There's more than meets the eye...

The darn dog woke me up not too long after I fell asleep and now, of course, I'm sitting here trying to be wide awake with the aid of a cup of coffee. I'm actually in a pleasant sort of state of mind, slightly drowsy but awake enough to function. My head is a little bit fuzzy but I think I can make sense, although I feel the slightest bit stoned. No doubt the coffee will sober me up in no time. Caffeine has been known to do that to me. 

I do want to take advantage of this pleasant state of mind and write something agreeable. Maybe I am so soft of heart now that I will only write nice things, although I'm sure you're going to accuse me of always doing that. Maybe I only think less agreeable things and don't actually write them down. If not, I must get more brave and stick my neck out more often. It's not my job to only be nice after all. 

Tonight I am more than willing to be nothing but entertaining and kind but I must stay in this state of mind. Maybe I should stop drinking coffee. I don't want to make any spelling and grammar mistakes however so I do have to be on my toes. My spell check only works for the Dutch language and marks just about every word I write wrong. Everything is underlined in red. This makes things very confusing and I really have to be very alert. 

I would like to be full of piss and vinegar but I have to take on a different role for that. I do have someone to take as an example for that and her way of blogging is a great inspiration to me. She tells it like it is and then some. I'll keep her under wraps and not reveal who she is. I'll try to be more like her and she can be my mentor. I'll keep her in mind as I make my own feeble attempts at being astute and profound. I do  think the caffeine is starting to take affect now. 

So you see, I've gone from wanting to be entertaining and kind to wanting to be full of piss and vinegar. So what will it be? It's a toss up. I think I'm as yet sitting on top of the fence but I must choose sides. 

I shouldn't have had the coffee and then at least out of my muddled mind something controversial would have come to the surface. That's the problem when you drink mind altering beverages. They also alter your ideas. The caffeine evened out my thought processes and now I have nothing interesting left to talk about. The next time I'm having a drink. That's a mind altering beverage too but maybe it will work less inhibiting. I may actually say something astounding.

At least I'm still yawning so I'm not completely lost. There are some vestiges of sleep left in me yet. Let that be of some comfort to me. Maybe out of this last bit of drowsiness something profound will arise.

Well, don't hold your breath waiting for it. It will have to wait until the next post.

Ciao,

Irene

What a life...

The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.

It's terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don't even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can't go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 

I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there's nobody else around to do it. It's a one woman operation, although I guess when you're surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they're not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.

Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.

I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don't you wish you could pick your scenery? 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

It´s me again...

Although I´ve just written a post, I don´t feel any urge to go to bed yet. As a matter of fact, I feel quite mellow and am enjoying the late hour of the night when I have no more obligations. I´ve just walked Tyke and am sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I think that all is well with the world. I feel like I´ve taken a wellness drug that´s made me feel very good and that has emptied my head of bad thoughts and bad vibrations. Not that I had that many there to begin with, but now I don´t have any. I´m completely at ease.

I´m drinking a glass of cold milk and am enjoying a cigarette, The cold milk is very good, as I´ve been very thirsty lately and can´t seem to get enough to drink. I´m all done drinking coffee, of course, and have to drink milk and lemonade now, which are no great hardships, they just don´t alter my mood the way coffee does. The milk makes me feel cold all over and I feel like turning on the heater, though it isn´t really that cold inside here. I really should have a cup of hot chocolate, but I´m afraid I´m all out of that and haven´t thought to replace it. That should go on the next shopping list. It isn´t that much of a luxury. Despite my skimping on the grocery list, I do want to have something nice in the cupboards that will give me some joy. There´s always a fine line between being frugal and being kind to yourself and I walk that line all the time. 

It´s a very peaceful and quiet time of the night. I know I can sleep late in the morning and if I use a bit of willpower, I will most likely sleep through the night. It is my intention anyway. I will just be very hungover when I get up in the morning and need several cups of coffee to get to my senses. That´s the drawback of sleeping late. I´ll sit in my armchair and try to put my head in order and organize my thoughts for the day, but the coffee will work quickly and I will be alright after about half an hour. It´s like the rebirth of a human being. My dog doesn´t seem to have that problem. Of course, he´s not burdened by many thoughts and responsibilities. He doesn´t have the human capacity to worry. 

I don´t have the capacity to worry late at night, that´s why I enjoy this time so much. I´m in a zone of no concerns. Nothing can touch me now and I am perfectly safe. I feel that I am out of harm´s way and that whatever awaits me during the day is many hours away and not even within easy reach. There´s a real buffer between now and then. A whole night´s sleep and many dark hours in which nothing will happen, even if I were to wake up in the middle of the night. I can postpone the start of the day as long as possible, because as long as I sleep, there´s no tomorrow. It doesn´t start until I wake up in the morning.

Nothing really horrible awaits me tomorrow. I give the impression that something really bad is going to happen. It will just be an ordinary Friday with the domestic help coming and me having to go to the tobacconist. I have to make some copies of some important papers and I have to do that at the grocery store, but that´s the most complicated thing I have to do, and really, how hard is that in a lifetime? I´ve done more difficult things than that. I mustn´t act like anything out of the ordinary is a complication. I´m not handicapped or otherwise challenged, after all. I´m a capable human being and I have to stop thinking of myself as someone who is less able and more vulnerable. 

I suppose somewhere along the line you have to embrace your individualism and except the fact that you don´t have to always be a conformist. As a matter of fact, that it is a thing that is not at all desirable. When it has been your training and ambition to always belong to a group and to fit in, it is difficult to give up that ambition and to strike out on your own with your own well thought out ideas and conclusions about life and the main social and political issues. Some people come to this point quicker than others and I admire them for it. Some people do life ass backwards and conform before they rebel. Early in life they have a desire to belong to the highest possible status quo they can attain and only later on do they realize the emptiness of it and the false promises. They live lives of quiet desperation and escape when the dream falls apart. It was only a big soap bubble that had alluring colors, but burst when the conditions weren´t optimal. Being non conformist gives a much healthier state of mind and allows you much more freedom and exposure to real life. You´re not in a straight jacket any longer. 

Well, I do get philosophical late at night, don´t I? It´s a case of random thoughts connecting in my mind. It all makes sense to me. I´m very brave late at night and can say heroic things. It´s during the daytime that I have to put them to the test. That´s when my bravery will be put under scrutiny. My deeds are small then and my victories little, but they amount to a lot for me. I will get braver as I grow bolder. It will grow with my sense of security and my believe in myself. I have to be damned stubborn and pretend that I´ve got that. If I were a man I would say that I have to act like I´ve got balls.

It´s time to go to bed. I do have to get some sleep. Cozy as it is to sit here and exchange thoughts with you, though I´m not knowing yours really. No doubt I´ll read them later. It´s been a rambling post and one I needed to write. Sometimes I need to get all these loose thoughts out of my head. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora