No photos...

It's about time that I write a post for this poor neglected blog. It's been a while since I turned my attention to it. It's a perfect time to do so because it's late in the afternoon on a Friday and I have just walked the dog and have nothing pressing left to do. I always plan it that way and luckily (or not) I don't have a family to cook dinner for. I suppose it would make me happy if I had a really nice family and a really nice kitchen and enough food in the refrigerator to cook dinner with. But in my wildest fantasies I am rich so it would be no problem. 

Unfortunately, I never buy any lottery tickets so the chances of me becoming rich are very small if not non-existant. I don't know if I should be like all the other optimistic people and buy them. I have a feeling that I would never win anything because I am never lucky when it comes to those kinds of things. It would probably just end up costing me precious money. I'm going to have to marry a millionaire. But who would have me? I am past my prime, after all. 

I better start thinking more cheerful thoughts. It's no good to sit here and face that sort of reality too much, it might depress me and I'm not in the mood for that. Let's talk about the weather instead and I'll tell you that it's done with the sunshine and that it's been gloomy all day. It hasn't bothered my outlook on life and I've kept my chin up helped by numerous cups of coffee. I needed those because I got up too early this morning and had a shortage of sleep all day. The caffeine kept me going. 

The domestic help was here and the Exfactor, so I didn't get a chance to take a nap but I hope I'll sleep all the better tonight. I'll be a good dog owner and walk the dog one more time before I go to bed. That is instead of letting him do a piddle out back which I normally do. I'm usually not in the mood to go out anymore at night and most of all want to put my pajamas and my bathrobe on as quickly as possible. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good and help me sleep extra well. It doesn't get dark until 10:30 pm, so I'll be safe from the bad guys.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

The best is yet to come...

I want to wite as normal a post as possible without trying to reflect a state of mind that doesn't exist. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure of my state of mind at the moment because I may be the slightest bit on the loopy side. That is not because of my sleep medication because I'm not under the influence of it anymore. I feel a little giddy all on my own and can't take things quite as serious as I should right now. 

Of course, it's not necessary that I do. I think I'm serious enough most of the time so that it's okay to lighten up a bit. I'd like to lighten up a lot as a matter of fact. That would really reflect my most inner state of mind. The place where my joyful child waits impatiently to be let out. I will set her free and give her the upper hand. 

I had many joyful moments throughout the day that were about nothing important at all. They were joyful because they were free of stress and worry and I could indulge myself simply in enjoying being alive in the moment. Nothingness is a great bliss. You shouldn't strive for the presence of some things, you should strive for the absence of other things. Subtraction is the greatest skill. 

Look at me suddenly taking on a serious tone while I had not planned on that. I think that must be because I've stopped drinking coffee and have switched to cold milk. It does have a tendecy to interfere with the workings of my frontal lobes. I should have poured myself a stiff drink in order to lower my boundaries and let my sense of humor speak better. I don't know how well frozen frontal lobes are going to help me in being giddy. 

I do hope I wake up in all peacefulness in the morning and set the standard for the day. It would be wonderful to have many more joyful moments in which to contemplate my navel and be free of stress and worry. 

I need to take my joyful self back to bed and finish sleeping. I am yawning now and it's because of the gosh darned milk. No, it's really because of the law of nature and people need to be asleep in the middle of the night. I'm no different than anybody else.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Irene

Obviously...

It's clear that I feel the need to write a post and you may ask yourself why when I have written one not such a long time ago. It's obvious, of course, I like to see my thoughts reflected back to me in black and white. It makes me feel that I really exist. Without the act of putting down my thoughts in a structured form, they would not take on any real meaning and would not become as clear to me. 

This is really a way of thinking out loud and giving shape to what is yet unformed in my head. The best thing about writing them down is rereading them and gaining understanding. I reread them immediately and some time later down the line when I have forgotten them and can be pleasantly surprised again. They usually offer some insight into the way I rationalize my behavior and think things through. It's a way of analyzing myself. 

I read between the lines and remember whatever was important to me at the time and what sort of mood I was in and what I didn't put down. My memory does not forsake me yet. I'm carried back instantly to the time I wrote it. Whole scenarios play themselves out in front of my eyes. Luckily, lately there's not been a lot of drama. 

The end of drama came with the end of my marriage so there has been no drama for almost four years, except for the occasianl bout. Those occur less and less frequently as I slowly normalize. If the word exists, it is possible to become it so I want no arguments about that. 

Speaking of exes, the Exfactor will not be able to go grocery shopping today so I will have to go without Greek yoghurt and bananas and vanilla pudding. That is a hardship that I had not counted on. I had planned everything down to this very day. I will have to eat different foods today and those are whatever is left in the cupboards and the refrigerator. I'm sure I'll manage but it won't be as exciting. I've got enough milk anyway and enough instant coffee. 

I haven't gotten my new telephone number in the mail yet so officially I can't make any phone calls. Of course I've got my mobile phone so I'm not cut off from the world conpletely. I had memorized my other number really well and hope the new one is equally easy to remember. I'm going to be very careful about who I give it to. Few people will have it. If I had known it was going to be such a problem having a land line, I wouldn't have done it. Now I'm stuck with the consequences. 

It's time for me to drink some buttermilk. It's the first glass I'm going to have. I look forward to it very much and I hope it's a s good as I remember it. It's been in the refrigerator for a couple of days and so far I've been able to resist it. It should be very thirst quenching anyway. Hmmm...that reminds me of buttermilk pancakes!

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Feeling my oats...

I'm really on my way to bed but temporarily got sidetracked about 30 minutes ago. I'm still planning on going there soon but I'll let myself be delayed for a little while longer. I'll pretend to not be in a hurry and that my bed is something I'm not looking forward to very much. That's only half true. I'll let you figure out which half is true. 

I'm also temporarily in a good enough mood. That's surprising because for the last few days I have been grumpy. I do want to take advanatge of this good mood and write a cheerful post even if I have not much to say. I very often have not much to say and somehow I manage to write a post anyway. That's when I write what is called a bunch of bull. 

I don't know why I have been grumpy these last few days. I'm getting enough sleep, so that's not the problem. I'm eating well, so I'm not going hungry. I don't smoke anymore, of course, but I'm still getting nicotine through the patches. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm just grumpy for no apparent reason. 

I'm sure there is a cause but it's not clear to me. I would have to be deeply analyzed to find it out. I don't know if I want to make quite that much effort. I figure that sooner or later I'll get over being grumpy and be in a good mood again permanently or for as long as it lasts. Whichever comes first. 

I had bacon and eggs for dinner but it wasn't the deeply satisfying experience it should have been. I think this was because the eggs weren't biological eggs and they didn't taste as good. The yolks weren't nearly as tasty as they should have been. I opted for quantity over quality and regret it now, but you live and learn.

I think now that I can eat more normally, I will start eating open faced sandwiches again. I have a hunkering for chicken, lettuce, tomato and mayonaise on wheatbread.  That sounds absolutely delicious. I wish I had one right now. I will have to make a good shopping list on Tuesday. It's too bad that I have to wait until that time. 

Oh, I'm just having cravings now. It's that time of the evening again when I always get them. Normally I feel like eating ice cream. I better have a glass of ice cold milk. That will take care of it. 

When I feel cravings, it's time to go to bed. It will be fun to go in search of it, although it shouldn't be too hard to find. I'm already looking forward to getting under the warm duvet. Sleeping is wonderful. The moment of awakening is sheer bliss, even though it only lasts a second.

Have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

One of those nights...

 It's threatening to become one of those long sleepless nights that I'm famous for which end up with me not going to bed until some time in the morning. I haven't been to bed yet and have been keeping myself busy with the appearances of my blogs and the names of them. 

I don't know if that was necessary, but it's something I get caught up in very once in a while. A madness comes over me and I go looking for blogger layouts and always find a new website where I can get them for free. And of course, I always think there are better layouts there than the ones I have at the moment. 

I think I am one hell of a stubborn woman with a one track mind who gets fixated on certain activities and stops being aware of everything around her. That's why it's good for me to sit here and write this post and take some distance from it all. Maybe I can get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground and go to bed at a halfway decent time. Maybe I can talk some sense into myself. 

Regardless of the late hour, I'm having some coffee to straighten out my head. It was in a complete muddle. I'm tired enough so I won't worry about falling asleep. That is, if I have enough sense to go to bed and don't continue to sit here doing useless things. I must tell myself that I look forward to going to bed and that it's a nice place to go to. There's so much temptation to stay up and sit here in a half stupor. 

I do like altered states of mind.Especially the kind that are benign and treat me friendly. The kind that leave me without feeling guilty, as this one is right now. Of course, I don't know the aftermath of it yet, but I assume a good outcome.  All will be well in the morning. 

I don't know what happened to the day. It was over in no time at all and I wasn't bored for one minute. Of course, sleeping for half of it took care of a great deal of it. I would be bored in the morning I I didn't sleep. To me that's not the best time of the day to be up. I used to clean house then in my housewifely days, but those are far behind me. I scrub the toilet at any time of the day now. I have no method. 

I have to go to bed now because I'm starting to doze off. My eyes want to fall shut. I'm sure one more cup of coffee would save me, but i better not drink it. I also have to pay attention to the dog because he's bothering the cat for lack of attention from me. I'll have to give him a good belly rub. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

English tea...

I'm having a pot of ordinary tea (it is called English tea) and it's not keeping me awake. I sat here reading blogs and I was slowly drifting off to sleep in my chair. "Well, go to bed then," I hear you all say, but I don't quite want to do that yet. I want to sit here in a stupor and see if I can write a post first while I break out into a sweat from the effort. 

Oh right, that may be from the hot tea. It does taste very nice and I hoped that whatever caffeine was in it would keep me awake, but it doesn't quite work like that, I guess. There is a difference between coffee and ordinary tea, apparently.

It did get me over the grumpiness that I felt when I had just gotten up. I'm grateful for that because that's the one big reason why I drink the coffee. It's to alter my mood, but the tea seems to have done the job too. I do have to say that I make strong tea. It is almost black and the sugar makes it sweet. Strong, sweet tea. Isn't that supposed to cure what ails you? 

Darn, it's hard to stay awake. I have to try and think of something interesting. It's hard to do when only some parts of your brain are functioning and others are in sleep mode. Maybe I can wake them up with a glass of ice cold milk. Sort of shock them into alertness. It's worth a try. 

I didn't stay up to watch 'Midsomer Murders' last night. I was too tired and went to bed early. That's because I didn't have my afternoon nap. Middle aged women like I do need their beauty sleep. I'll even miss a good thriller for that. 

I just let the dog out back and stood outside in the cold night air. There was a pleasant wind blowing and it cooled me off quite nicely.Now I'll appreciate getting under the duvet all the more. 

It's time to go back to bed, although I've stopped yawning and am alert again. The cold milk worked. Well, up to a point it did. I am somewhat looking forward to going back to sleep. I do know that I need at least several more hours. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Green tea with lemon...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm drinking green tea with lemon. The reason that I am is because I'm almost out of coffee and I want to save the little bit that I do have for in the morning when I'm really going to need it. For when my brain will be screaming for the caffeine.

The tea is actually working out quite nicely and making me feel very good. I have no complaints about it at all. Of course, I take it with sugar to make it more potable and I realize that's cheating a little bit. True tea lovers would not take sugar in their tea. They would want to drink theirs unadulterated. They probably have purer souls that I do or more rarefied taste buds.

Whatever...the tea is making me feel good enough to be able to write a post, although it may turn into a silly post. If it does, I will drink tea in the middle of the night more often. Besides, I have no reason to write a serious post and I'm not in the mood for it either. I've done enough of that lately. It's time to lighten up.

Having written that, I'm momentarily stuck for words and I think I'm having writer's block. I must ignore that and pretend that I have something to say anyway.

I will tell you about the weather yesterday which, after a bad start, was good for the second half of the day. It was actually warm enough to go out in it without a jacket and the sun was shining. That is such a rarity these days that it is worth mentioning.

I had to go out in it to see my SPN with whom I had an appointment for 45 minutes. I took up only 25 minutes of her time, because that's all the time I needed to say what I wanted to say. Nothing was very complicated and I came to my conclusion quickly. I didn't feel the need to prolong the session. 

I was home in no time at all and had the good fortune to be able to take a nap with the animals on the bed. We sure all appreciated that. I personally like nothing better than taking naps. I think that's all I do anyway, take longer or shorter naps. That's how I sleep.

I think I will go back to bed now and see if I can sleep some more. I'm most definitely not wide awake from drinking coffee. It does make a difference if you don't. I didn't even have to drink a glass of ice cold milk to get to this state. I'm drowsy all by myself. 

I hope you're having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to business...

Okay, there is to be no fooling around and things are going to be back to business as usual. I will keep a stiff upper lip and not sit here and feel sorry for myself. There is to be no whining and complaining except for when I momentarily can't stand it anymore, but then it will be very briefly. 

Last night I muttered swear words under my breath. I didn't speak the lord's name in vain, but I did mention him several times. Repeatedly, actually. It felt good and it was sort of like an incantation. It was a plea to his omnipresence, as far as that heathen heart of mine was capable of it. The catholic church would have been proud of me. I swore as well as any pastor. I did it every time reality dawned on me.

The English aren't the only ones who can keep a stiff upper lip. We Dutch people are equally good at it, though we call it something else. We have all sorts of expressions for it, none of which are really suitable for translation. I don't like them well enough anyway. We straighten our backs and turn into the wind and get ready to brave the storm. And not a peep out of you. That's just a general description.

I'm sitting here having numerous cups of coffee and I'm not keeping track of how many I've had. It doesn't seem important right now. What counts is the state of my mood and its relative wellness. If I have to chemically induce that, then so be it. It seems a minor detail in the general state of affairs. I had a lot of coffee yesterday too and I survived it well enough. I still think it has medicinal properties and is as necessary to me as my medication is.

It's early in the morning and I don't know if I will go back to bed. I very much feel like staying up and starting the day. I woke up in a terrible sweat, but I know it's not from the menopause. It's a side effect from the antidepressants and now that they've been increased, it's going to bother me more. I don't look forward to going back to bed and would have to change the sheets first anyway. It's possible that I'll hang out here in my bathrobe for quite a while longer.

At least it's possible now for me to take tranquilizers during the day which soften the edges quite a bit. I was encouraged to do this and I have no qualms about taking them, not now. I always get off them very easily too when the time is right. 

I don't know what sort of post this has turned out to be. It wasn't as normal a post as I had intended it to be. Maybe it will be the next time. I will talk about ordinary things in a more normal frame of mind. If I achieve that, of course. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

No dull people here...

As usual, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, enjoying the peace and quiet of the middle of the night. I don't have to tell you anything new. It's the same old story, but I think that does not make me a dull person. I'd like to think that it makes me predictable, but still still exciting enough to get to know better. I may be an open book by now, but maybe we haven't read all the chapters yet. 

I made just enough coffee for two cups. That's my limit and how much coffee I make every time I do. In 24 hours, I have six cups of coffee and I think that's not much compared to how many I used to drink. I'm severely limiting myself. It's a little bit tough, but doable. 

As long as I get some caffeine when I wake up from whenever I've been asleep, I'm okay. If I don't have any, I'm likely to be a grouchy person and sit here like a bump on a log and achieve very little. 

I feel that way especially when I wake up from my afternoon nap. I would be very devastated if I could not have any caffeine then. I always feel like I'm in a state of depression and feel like crying when I first get up. 

Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I really do need the caffeine to function better. I think it's like a medicine that makes the chemicals in my brain work better. Two cups are just enough, although I'd like to cut it down to one, but I think that's stretching it and probably an over ambitious plan. 

I must have just turned thirteen when I started drinking coffee regularly. I remember that I had my own cup and saucer that nobody else used. Everybody did. We all had our own individual little teaspoon too to stir the sugar with. I took both sugar and cream in my coffee then. To make it potable, I'm sure. 

We drank coffee every evening at 8 o'clock and in the weekends also at 10:30 in the morning. We all had two cups, it was a ritual. It was a little impolite to turn down the second cup. In the Netherlands, it's impolite to turn down anything that's offered to you, even if it's by your own mother.

I got my own hand cut crystal wineglass when I was not quite sixteen. It was assumed that you learned how to handle alcohol and drink it socially along with the adults at the proper time of the evening. I never did become a drinker, except for the occasional lapse when I have three or four drinks and become drunk.

But the love for coffee never left me and I'm addicted to it to this day. That's why I think it has medicinal qualities. My son was the same way and was not approachable until he'd had his morning coffee. We had a lot in common. Talk about the apple not falling far from the tree. 

There may have been a dull person here after all. What do you think? It's not a very exciting post, is it? Apparently I'm not that inspired this night. I must not have had enough coffee. I'm probably too sane to be very interesting. 

Well, you can't win them all.

Have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Slow motion...

It's truly in the middle of the night, there's no doubt about it. It's not even close to dawn. In a way that's good because it will allow me enough time to go back to bed and sleep long enough before the Exfactor gets here. I won't be completely befuddled when he gets here, although it doesn't matter so much in his case if I am. He is very patient with me and allows me time to wake up properly without me having to be all artificially cheerful. It's a much kinder process of waking up. 

I will try to be up on time before he gets here anyway and have the coffee ready. We are both always ready for a cup because a lot of times the Exfactor only drinks tea in the morning at his place and I'm convinced that it doesn't give him a proper start to the day. He really seems to come alive after he's had a cup of coffee here. That's because he drinks things like mint tea with sugar which leave him dopey. 

I'm drinking coffee now in an attempt not to be too sleepy headed and to be able to finish this post before I go back to bed. I've made just a little pot of it so I won't drink too much. There is always cold milk. I do need something to keep the slumber at bay for now. I would fall instantly asleep behind the keyboard if I didn't. It wouldn't do to have a row of letters imprinted on my forehead. 

It's not bad being in this half awake state. It's actually kind of pleasant. I feel as though I'm slightly drugged and better able to express my feelings, although they are all tenuous and hardly of any consequence at all. They are strictly nighttime feelings of made of ethereal stuff. Like fluffs of stardust and just as lightweight. There's not a heavyweight thought among them. 

I would always like to exist in this state of mind, somewhere in limbo I suppose. Neither here nor there. Somewhat approachable yet not quite present in my own elusive way; in a dreamy state of mind. It's a much more relaxed way of being.

I can't keep existing here. Reality pulls me back and has me return to the present situation which is that I'll have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. Besides, the dog wants impossible things from me that I don't know how to fulfill. He's been out back and he's had a snack. I don't know what else to do. There's little escapism when you get right down to it. It's all of momentary nature. 

Right, I'm off to bed to sleep some more and perchance to dream. I actually have no doubt about that. I always do the second time around and the most interesting things too. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Over the hills and through the woods...

That's not really where I'm going. I just felt like saying that. It's in the middle of the night and I'm sure I'm not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 

No, I'm staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That's right here with my dog and cat. 

I've already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I've forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 

I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn't make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 

I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o'clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I'll even have to set the alarm clock.

My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I'm thrilled for her and can't wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 

She's going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it's all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can't think of one. 

The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn't have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn't seem to agree with me very well.

I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I'm planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 

It's going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I'm glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.

As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that's a shame because I'm attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There's no help for it. 

I hope you're all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

When you don't know any better...

Yesterday evening I watched inane television. Since it was Saturday evening, it was the only kind of television to watch. It is not thought that intelligent people watch television on a Saturday evening. It is expected that they are all otherwise engaged. Apparently only dull and desperate people watch television on Saturday evenings.

It was one way to pass the evening and I pretended to care very much and be interested. I watched it while I slowly ate my dinner in stages. That takes me a while and is a good distraction. I also played with the dog and petted the cat who decided to come lie on my lap. I do have other things to keep me occupied while I try not to get too disgusted by what is offered for my entertainment. 

The other option is turning the television off, but that is too silent and then I wouldn't have anything to be exasperated with. Luckily, there are only commercials in between the programs, otherwise they would drive me crazy too. There are very few amusing ones and some of them make me want to throw a brick through the screen. Fortunately, I don't have a brick handy. 

Some of them are an insult to my intelligence. But you can walk away from them until the next program starts and go to the toilet or be otherwise engaged. At one point, I just turned the darn thing off and went to bed and listened to the radio instead, which was broadcasting a football game between Milan and Rome. Some days you can't win. Luckily, I was tired enough to fall sleep quickly, so I was spared most of that.

The only reason I was tired enough was because I had taken my 'fall asleep medicines' and once those stopped working, I was awake again. As I became conscious, I was writing a blog post in my mind, the gist of which I don't remember now. That's how much it occupies my mind in the middle of the night. I compose blog posts as I wake up. Beethoven must have composed music in his sleep. I assume he had pen and paper handy. 

I forgot to call the hairdresser yesterday to make an appointment while it was really necessary that I do. Now I'll have to wait until Tuesday because they are closed on Monday. I have a terrible head of hair that needs a lot of hairspray to keep it in place. The dog leaves the bathroom when I apply it and waits in the hallway. He doesn't do that when I apply my deodorant. Of course, I don't use copious amounts then. 

The cat escaped into the stairwell yesterday and stayed away for half an hour. Finally she showed up at the front door again where she waited patiently until I opened it. She does once in a while look for an opportunity to make her escape. I don't know what she does in the stairwell but she always goes way to the top. I refuse to chase her and always rightly guess that she'll show up again. Every once in a while she escapes though the outside door, but she just walks around the block end enters the apartment through the cat flap in the back door as if it is no problem. Luckily, she is a bright cat. 

The dog doesn't know what to do with himself when the cat has escaped. He thinks it's weird and misses her because he knows she's gone through the front door. He keeps going there to see if she's not back yet. Then when I let her in, he pretends that he won't let her and tries to push her out again as if he's not happy with her company. God forbid she should not show up one day. He'd miss her badly.

It's with some amount of reluctance that I bring this to an end. I don't want to make this too long and I have to think about going to bed. I am yawning, so maybe I'll be asleep again in no time. There's always the radio to listen to. I'm sure there will be no football games on now. 

We're still expecting some rain today and it will be most welcome, I just hope there will be enough to really make a difference. A really good shower should do. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

If I go slowly, I will surely get there...

If I start writing this post slowly now and take my time, it will be tomorrow by the time I'm done. All I have to do is not be in a rush and I really do think that's the most comfortable way to write anyway. Since I seldom consciously allow myself that luxury, I will take full advantage of it and go as slowly as I can. I will even repeat myself if that is necessary to prolong the process. In the meantime, I will make myself some coffee to make the whole experience as holistic as possible. 

I should find some food to eat too, but I will postpone that for a while. It is hard to eat and write at the same time, besides that, you get crumbs in the keyboard. My domestic help is good about getting those out, but I'm afraid that in her enthusiasm she will one day shake loose the keys. 

I have already slept, having gone to bed early, but it was inevitable that I'd wake up again after a few hours. I will go back to sleep eventually, but not until I've gone through the lengthy process of getting into the proper mood again. I've got to get to the point that I'll look forward to going to bed and that it's the only place where I want to be. Luckily, I'm already yawning, so hopefully it won't take too long. 

I stood by the back door a while ago to let out the dog and inhaled the fresh night air and now the smell of it is embedded in my system. It's like it's penetrated my pajamas because I keep smelling it, but I'm sure it's just my imagination. It's  as if I've got freshly laundered clothes on and I've been washed in spring rain. It's very pleasant and all I can think is that it must be an imaginary olfactory experience I'm having.  I'm sure I don't really smell like this. And by the way, no washing powder or shower gel comes close to smelling this way. 

The wind has stopped blowing so hard. It was a cold wind that was blowing from the north east and it is slowly going to start blowing from the south which will make things warmer by the weekend. I'm looking forward to that. It does mean that I can hang the laundry outside to dry because there is no rain in the forecast. Things should dry pretty quickly. 

I've got groceries in the house again because the Exfactor did them yesterday. I was completely out of milk and to me that is very serious. That means I can't drink tall glasses of it and I have to put powdered creamer in my coffee. I still had other supplies so I wasn't completely destitute. There was enough left to eat. I suppose I care most about the milk. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some ice cream, so It mustn't have been very important. I'll try to remember next time because in the middle of the night like this, I feel like having a bowl of it. 

I just had a bowl of chocolate pudding and that prevented me from getting any crumbs into the keyboard. It was very good and filling. I forgot all about having that in the refrigerator. There's nothing like sleeping on a full stomach, so I suppose I should think about going to bed. It is tomorrow now, after all. 

I hope you'll all sleep tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

Alertness at the wrong time...

I'm not at all supposed to be awake now, but the dog climbed on top of me while I was sound asleep and started being grumpy at me as if he wanted me to wake up in a hurry and I did. I tried to push him off, but he was insistent that I get up. He pulled the duvet right off me and pushed his nose against my body in effort to get me to move.

I finally had to get up out of bed before he was satisfied and he settled down as soon as I had gotten a cup of coffee and sat down behind the computer. Isn't he quite the character? He's sound asleep now in the armchair as if he had nothing to do with me being up. He's as innocent as a newborn baby. 

He didn't want anything else. He didn't want to go out for a piddle or want a treat or a fresh drink of water. He just seemed to want me to be up. Apparently he appreciates my watchful company. It probably makes him feel more secure. Maybe he doesn't like to feel alone in the dark. Or he has gotten so used to me being up in the middle of the night that he thinks it's normal.

That leaves me sitting here in the middle of the night, slightly sleepy headed and with some empty time to fill. I usually know how to take care of that. A post is quickly written. Or as slowly as I want. I can take all the time in the world to do it. All I have to do is make sure that I'm up at 9 o'clock in the morning when my psychiatrist is going to call me. 

I mustn't miss that call. I'll have to set the alarm clock for it so I will be coherent when he does call. I have to make sure that I've had a few cups of coffee before I talk to him. The worst thing in the world is talking to someone on the phone right when you've woken up. You are so vulnerable when you do and you can't think straight yet. They've really got you at a disadvantage. 

At least I went to bed at a decent time last night. I got my pajamas on early and watched a consumer program on TV, but it was only mildly interesting. I guess I'm supposed to get outraged every week, but I've ceased to be because nothing surprises me anymore. They do have to find new items every week to air on their program. 

It does go to show you how much there's screwed up in this country, but I can't get excited about everything. We live in a banana republic. Things that don't work well here have been resolved perfectly well in surrounding countries and we're just muddling along, especially with the government of major cutbacks that we have now. All we have to do is look how they're done across the border. And successfully so. 

Don't get me started. All things lead to politics. Badly done politics.

I mustn't get bogged down in that and focus my vision on a totally different subject. I'll talk about the weather instead which was decidedly cold yesterday, although the sun was shining all day. There was a cold wind blowing from the north east and it was only 15C. I needed both my cardigan and my jacket when I went outside to walk the dog. 

The weather is going to slowly improve by the end of the week and it will be a little warmer by the weekend. I don't mind if it's cold as long as I'm dressed for it. The fact that the sun shines makes it easier. It stays light late now and the days last long. This pleases me very much and I'm happy for all the hours of daylight. I wouldn't mind a bit of rain, especially because there are wildfires here and there. These are started by opportunistic arsonists who are hard to catch. 

The fires get started on the moors and they smolder underground in the peat for a long time, even when it looks like they have been put out. They need infra red cameras to see where the fire is still alive and tackle it there. They use firetrucks and helicopters with big water bags to fight the fires.

That's about as interesting as I can get right now. This post has gotten long enough anyway. I mustn't bore you. I will go and find some other way to amuse myself right now because I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. Hopefully, something joyful will pass my path. 

I hope you're all having a good night or are about to. I hope your weather is treating you right and that your government is also. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's tomorrow already...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette wasting my time. I should be asleep and I had vowed that I would be, but I woke up nevertheless. Never one to miss an opportunity, I'm writing a post, of course. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

I have to wait until I get sleepy again and it may take some time and that's not because I had the coffee. I will sleep regardless of it. I just have to get into the proper mindset to go to sleep again. I have to long for my bed and I'm not there yet. 

I am yawning, so that's a good sign. I have a tear rolling down my cheek. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning so hard that I have to be careful not to dislocate my jaw.

I can't take myself seriously right now and I feel that anything I write will be nonsense. That's because I don't want to write about anything serious. I want to leave all those subjects alone. I only want to write about things that don't matter, like about how good the coffee tastes and how good that glass of milk is going to taste that I'm going to have in a minute. 

I feel like having a banana split with a huge dollop of whipped cream on top. Real whipped cream, not the kind that comes from a can. Some ice cream would taste real good right now. Vanilla with real bits of vanilla bean in it. I will make myself happy with the cold milk instead. That's almost as good. 

It rained all day yesterday which made it cozy to be inside, but I did have to turn the lights on and I had the heater on too later in the day. I even wore warm clothes. My mood went from bad to worse and I slept all afternoon, which made me feel better. Sleep always restores me. It bans bad thoughts. 

I've got to go back to bed and sleep as long as I possibly can. I have to set some kind of record. I mustn't be fooled into getting up in a few hours. I must stay in bed and sleep. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Let's try that again...

It's late at night and I had started to write another post, but it was such a stressed one, that I deleted it and took an anti-psychotic tablet. I waited until it started to work before attempting to write this one. Hopefully, it will be mellow enough and serene so that I will be happy with it. I do dislike writing fraught and distressed posts. They're not good ways to get your point across, whatever that point may be. 

I've made myself some coffee and am trying to get as relaxed as possible. It's hard after these past days of inner turmoil, but I think I'm getting back on my feet again, although that may be the courage of the medicines speaking. I certainly don't feel 'normal.' I feel as though I've been in an accident and I'm still in full recovery from it. That's what a meeting with an ex-husband will do to you. 

I think it will take me some time to regain my balance and it's made worse by the knowledge that he will be in town again next month. I don't know how to deal with that yet. I have to recuperate from this first and discuss it with my SPN and talk to my psychiatrist about the use of the extra medication. I'm sure I need some good advice and feedback. This is not something that I can handle on my own.

In the meantime, I have to make the most of the night. I'm not as relaxed as I'd like to be and I feel an awful lot of pressure to go to bed, while there is really no rush to and I'm not sleepy yet. I would like to be carefree again, but it seems impossible right now. 

Sleep tight, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Optimism...

If I didn't get up in the middle of the night, I would never write a blog post. At least not in the frame of mind I am in now in the beginning of the springtime when the first buds are starting to show on the hedges and the trees and it's the season in which I start to rapid cycle. The nighttime is when I feel my most sane as opposed to during the day when things are much more tricky and I'm not capable of writing down a sensible word. I tried that yesterday and got absolutely nowhere. 

It's a good thing that I wake up in the middle of the night and sit here with a cup of coffee and feel so sane. At least I can gather my thoughts together and put down something that's worth reading when I'm not capable of that during the day. I haven't figured out yet why that is, but for me is not to know the reason why, I just accept it. It's probably some chemical process that I don't understand and that is the result of the combination of the medicines I take and the sleep I've had so far. Doubtlessly the silence of the night and the relative safeness of it help too. 

I knew this period of rapid cycling was coming up and I wasn't far off the mark when I told my psychiatrist that it would happen in March/April. It's maybe happening a little bit sooner because of the early onset of springtime, but it's mostly due to the increased hours of daylight and the amount of sunlight. As a result, I'm not that fond of very sunny days when the sun shines in a completely blue sky. I prefer gray and cloudy days with some rain. That's when I feel most happy. They seem to fit my disposition better. 

It's going to be sunny for the next couple of days, so I'm not too thrilled about that, although with my increased dose of medication I may do a lot better. It may not bother me as much. I may be less hyper alert and less sensitive. 

All this talk about my moods doesn't prevent me from writing about other things. I have been keeping track of the national and international news, although I have to say that I'm very sensitive to it now and that it bothers me very much to hear all the negative messages. I worry about what's happening politically in my own country and I worry about what's happening in Libya. On top of that Qaddafi's forces have taken hostage three Dutch soldiers that were trying to rescue a Dutch national and are pretending they were there for evil reasons. I worry about those three soldiers. 

I had to turn off the 8 o'clock newscast last night because I couldn't take anymore after having watched the news a lot during the day. I saw enough politicians' faces to last me a lifetime. Somehow they are going to twist and turn to get everything to go their way and it is not to the good of the people. I'm ready for the opposition to do a coup d'etat. As someone at the bottom of the economic ladder, I feel very insecure. This government is very unkind to the little people. It's a ruthless government and they are capable of anything. I hope it falls apart soon. 

I must think of something happier to write about. I can only think of the animals that bring such joy to my life. Tyke's fur is growing and he is getting some curls in it again. He is starting to look more like his old self. I think he is generally less cold too. When he is asleep, I whisper very quietly, "He is such a good dog," and he perks up his head and starts wagging his tail. He is never so sound asleep that he doesn't hear that.

I've switched Gandhi's food from the store brand kibbles to Gourmet and she likes it very much and seems to barf less often. She's also less interested in eating Tyke's food, so something must have been missing in the old kibbles. 

Today is Friday, but I have no idea what sort of a day it is going to be. It all depends on how well my medicines will work. The domestic help is not coming. I have to do some chores and with a little bit of luck I'll get around to them. 

Have a good day everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora