...and other tales of mayhem.

It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that. 

There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.

 

I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.

I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me. 

That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.

At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings. 

I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday. 

I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost asleep...

I'm about to go to sleep and only stubbornness is keeping me up. I should seriously have my head examined because I'm tired enough to go to bed right now. I just don't want the night to end yet. I want to sit here a little while longer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the very late evening. I made a cup of coffee to keep me from falling asleep behind the computer.

I managed to make it through the day on only two tranquilizers. I thought that was a good sign and I was not a nervous wreck. I would have taken more if I had needed them. It's possible that the increase in the antidepressants is starting to do its job because they also have an anti-anxiety function. I've taken them at this dose for five days now and maybe that is long enough to make some difference.

I know I have to be patient and that this whole process can't be rushed. It's going to take time while the medicines build up in strength in my body. Hopefully, each day will be a better day, but I don't want to be back to the point that I was before I became depressed. I want to be doing much better than that because I think I was not doing all that great when I became depressed.

I think I've been suffering from a low grade depression for a long time and it's no longer acceptable to me to live with it. My life has to improve a great deal. The quality of it has to get a lot better. What I have considered as 'normal' is no longer okay. I've actually lived a very low quality life and I won't do it anymore. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist and my SPN and it's definitely going to be a subject of discussion in future talks. 

It's getting late and I have to think about going to bed. My coffee cup is empty so it's time. I have to take my sleeping pills now and drift off to sleep. 

I hope you are all having a good night and that you'll have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

At the stroke of midnight...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here with a big mug of coffee and a cigarette. I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can be and not worry about a thing. I don't actually have that much to worry about, but I just feel the general sort of tension that comes with being alive. My shoulders and back are tight and sore and I'm trying to relax them. I could use a good massage. Instead I have taken a painkiller and it should work shortly. It will probably also put me to sleep because it has codeine in it.

I've developed a cough and I think I have just a touch of bronchitis. No doubt that has to do with the time of year and the weather. It's been so cold and damp, although yesterday we had partial sunshine and will have again today. The humidity is high, though. When I was a child, I used to get bronchitis at this time of the year. I had some issues with allergies too, although I'm supposed to have outgrown those now. I still suspect those play a role, but I may be mistaken.

I've got empty and serene days ahead of me when nobody will come here and disturb my peace and quiet. I have no domestic help coming here on Friday. She has a day off because of carnival. This weekend carnival is celebrated and here, down South, it is a very big deal for a couple of days. It's something you have to experience at least once and I have. I don't participate in it anymore now, but it is fun to do. You do have to be able to consume large quantities of beer.

I'm glad because of the empty days because I'm still grumpy and I'm not feeling very sociable yet. I discussed this with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is fine. As long as it is not bothering me personally and I am happy withdrawing inside my own comfort zone, he is not worried. He thinks it's a defense mechanism. It's when you have a little bit of an overdose of the world and you need some time on your own to recuperate.

I'm going to take advantage of the days and spend them as relaxed as is possible. I will pretend I'm ill and treat myself in that manner. That means I'll spoil myself. I won't do it otherwise. I always have to pretend I'm ill in order to completely relax and enjoy the days off. I still have to do my chores and walk the dog, but it will be with a different attitude that I do them and with less pressure on myself. I won't feel like I will be performing duties. 

I'm taking advantage of the nights too because I don't feel that I have to stick to a strict schedule. I'm enjoying these quiet hours in the darkness and feel pretty good. The painkiller is working and my back and shoulders feel a lot better. It's nice to be relieved of the pain and I can sit upright a lot easier now. I also don't feel the pressure that I have to be in bed by a certain time. I will go when I'm good and ready. The nights are always the times when I'm most relaxed and feel most at ease. I feel so protected by them. 

Take advantage of your best hours.

Ciao,

Nora

New theme, new name...

But need I even mention it? I should get away with this without even discussing it. What's there to say? If you have me on your blog list, just refer to me as Nora and not by the name of my blog, because it changes too often. God only knows what I started out as. I don't even remember it myself, it is so many incarnations ago. 

I've been up all night, and when I'm up all night, I'm generally in the mood to change things, because I'm more adventurous then. I should always function at night, or otherwise always be under the influence of a sleeping pill, but wide awake. I seem to have my most brilliant ideas then. At least, they seem brilliant to me. Of course, they may be drug induced illusions and I won't know that until the next day after I've slept.

That reminds me that I'm not looking forward to the day and I don't want it to become dawn. I like sitting here in the dark having my little adventures and taking looks at what I have done. I don't want to go to bed either. I want to stay up and reap the rewards of my deeds and indulge in them. I want to snicker and smile and be happy.  I would rather not sleep and stay in this state of mind forever. 

I haven't had any coffee for a while and have been drinking cold milk. I never did get around to drinking a glass of warm milk to make me sleepy. I decided against that when I realized that I was having a good time. I didn't want to curtail my activities. 

From one good idea comes another and before you know it, hours have passed and it is approaching morning and it is time for another batch of medicines. The ones I am going to take are going to dampen my spirits a bit and it's a darn shame. I wish I could skip them, but I will be sensible and take them. I'm a co-operative patient who doesn't sleep at night, but does everything else right. 

I am going to make a pot of coffee in a little while to get ready for the arrival of morning. I do want to greet it with a clear mind. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleeping yet. I suppose I will wait and see what happens and when the need hits me, I will go and lie down. 

It is possible that the Exfactor is going to come by this morning and I do want to be dressed when he gets here and not greet him in my usual attire of bathrobe with my hair sticking up. I do still want to make a good impression, although I have no ulterior motives. If I did have those, I would dismiss them immediately. 

The coffee is brewing and before long I will have a nice fresh cup of it. I'm trying to not make it too strong, because I realized that I do go through my ground coffee awfully quickly. I probably make it too potent. I don't want it to put hair on my chest. I think a little bit less strong is okay too and very drinkable, as long as the flavor of the coffee is right and is not the weak brew that the Exfactor makes. 

No, the coffee is good and very welcome. It warms up my stomach. I will now go and see to the other blog, so the surprise will not be too big there. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

It´s me again...

Although I´ve just written a post, I don´t feel any urge to go to bed yet. As a matter of fact, I feel quite mellow and am enjoying the late hour of the night when I have no more obligations. I´ve just walked Tyke and am sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I think that all is well with the world. I feel like I´ve taken a wellness drug that´s made me feel very good and that has emptied my head of bad thoughts and bad vibrations. Not that I had that many there to begin with, but now I don´t have any. I´m completely at ease.

I´m drinking a glass of cold milk and am enjoying a cigarette, The cold milk is very good, as I´ve been very thirsty lately and can´t seem to get enough to drink. I´m all done drinking coffee, of course, and have to drink milk and lemonade now, which are no great hardships, they just don´t alter my mood the way coffee does. The milk makes me feel cold all over and I feel like turning on the heater, though it isn´t really that cold inside here. I really should have a cup of hot chocolate, but I´m afraid I´m all out of that and haven´t thought to replace it. That should go on the next shopping list. It isn´t that much of a luxury. Despite my skimping on the grocery list, I do want to have something nice in the cupboards that will give me some joy. There´s always a fine line between being frugal and being kind to yourself and I walk that line all the time. 

It´s a very peaceful and quiet time of the night. I know I can sleep late in the morning and if I use a bit of willpower, I will most likely sleep through the night. It is my intention anyway. I will just be very hungover when I get up in the morning and need several cups of coffee to get to my senses. That´s the drawback of sleeping late. I´ll sit in my armchair and try to put my head in order and organize my thoughts for the day, but the coffee will work quickly and I will be alright after about half an hour. It´s like the rebirth of a human being. My dog doesn´t seem to have that problem. Of course, he´s not burdened by many thoughts and responsibilities. He doesn´t have the human capacity to worry. 

I don´t have the capacity to worry late at night, that´s why I enjoy this time so much. I´m in a zone of no concerns. Nothing can touch me now and I am perfectly safe. I feel that I am out of harm´s way and that whatever awaits me during the day is many hours away and not even within easy reach. There´s a real buffer between now and then. A whole night´s sleep and many dark hours in which nothing will happen, even if I were to wake up in the middle of the night. I can postpone the start of the day as long as possible, because as long as I sleep, there´s no tomorrow. It doesn´t start until I wake up in the morning.

Nothing really horrible awaits me tomorrow. I give the impression that something really bad is going to happen. It will just be an ordinary Friday with the domestic help coming and me having to go to the tobacconist. I have to make some copies of some important papers and I have to do that at the grocery store, but that´s the most complicated thing I have to do, and really, how hard is that in a lifetime? I´ve done more difficult things than that. I mustn´t act like anything out of the ordinary is a complication. I´m not handicapped or otherwise challenged, after all. I´m a capable human being and I have to stop thinking of myself as someone who is less able and more vulnerable. 

I suppose somewhere along the line you have to embrace your individualism and except the fact that you don´t have to always be a conformist. As a matter of fact, that it is a thing that is not at all desirable. When it has been your training and ambition to always belong to a group and to fit in, it is difficult to give up that ambition and to strike out on your own with your own well thought out ideas and conclusions about life and the main social and political issues. Some people come to this point quicker than others and I admire them for it. Some people do life ass backwards and conform before they rebel. Early in life they have a desire to belong to the highest possible status quo they can attain and only later on do they realize the emptiness of it and the false promises. They live lives of quiet desperation and escape when the dream falls apart. It was only a big soap bubble that had alluring colors, but burst when the conditions weren´t optimal. Being non conformist gives a much healthier state of mind and allows you much more freedom and exposure to real life. You´re not in a straight jacket any longer. 

Well, I do get philosophical late at night, don´t I? It´s a case of random thoughts connecting in my mind. It all makes sense to me. I´m very brave late at night and can say heroic things. It´s during the daytime that I have to put them to the test. That´s when my bravery will be put under scrutiny. My deeds are small then and my victories little, but they amount to a lot for me. I will get braver as I grow bolder. It will grow with my sense of security and my believe in myself. I have to be damned stubborn and pretend that I´ve got that. If I were a man I would say that I have to act like I´ve got balls.

It´s time to go to bed. I do have to get some sleep. Cozy as it is to sit here and exchange thoughts with you, though I´m not knowing yours really. No doubt I´ll read them later. It´s been a rambling post and one I needed to write. Sometimes I need to get all these loose thoughts out of my head. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora