The bull by the horns...

Today is my day off and I can do with it as I please. I will have to walk Tyke and do some chores, but other than that, I can be as leisurely as I want to be. I have no appointments and nobody coming over. That means I can sit here in my bathrobe for a while with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes and take my time writing this. That's nice if I'm not inspired by my muse and I have to think about what to write next. 

Tyke was taken to the dog trim salon yesterday by the Exfactor and came back half the dog he was. His circumference had been decidedly diminished. He didn't, however, look like a puppy. He looked like the adult dog he is, with a fully grown body and a strongly built head and face. I did have to sit and stare at him in this incarnation quite a bit. He looked so tough, as if he was a different dog and some of his cuteness was gone. We did a lot of bonding, because I felt that I had to re-establish my ties with him. 

Of course, he's the same sweet thing he always was, he just looks different. We played with the ball and I gave him many belly rubs and scratched his ears and tugged his rawhide bone. He slept on the bed with me as usual and I think since he has such short hair now, he wanted to stay especially warm so close to me.

Yesterday, I also told my personal helper that I had less need for personal help now and that I wanted to reduce the care from 4 hours a week to one hour a week. She was quite taken aback and flustered. I don't think she knew how to deal with it, because I was so sure of myself and so assertive. The normal procedure is that they decide when you need less care and this is done after careful discussion in an internal group headed by a psychologist. 

I had already gotten the distinct impression that the 4 hours a week care would go on indefinitely and that there would be no re-evaluation. It surprised me that they didn't wonder as to what to do with me anymore when it became so clear that our time together was empty and useless. We might have as well played a game of cards. We were desperately trying to fill up the time. I was saving up chores to do for while they were here, but then being told that this wasn't necessary if I could do them myself. I felt that I had to keep them entertained while they were here. 

Well, I'm down to figuring things out for myself now. I feel perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Reducing my medication has made me much more stable and aware of things. I no longer feel lethargic and dull witted.

I'm looking forward to today. It will be a cold but partially sunny day. It will be nice weather to walk Tyke in. I hope he won't be too cold in his short coat. I do have the luxury of wearing my warm winter coat and gloves. 

I hope you all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Quiet Days...

I've spent a quiet day at home, not doing anything out of the ordinary but watching television and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did open the bedroom window at one point to air out the place until it got too cold in here. I just turned up the thermostat and I'm waiting for my hands to get warm. I didn't realize that I had gotten so cold.

I did take Tyke out and we trudged through the melting snow. The ice is even melting and crunches when I step on it. Some people have cleaned their sidewalks. Other people have blocked the sidewalks with piles of snow from their driveways. That's real smart, isn't it? They're not the brightest bulbs in the package. 

I put out the trash early while I thought of it, because I forgot last week so I had two bags today. If I don't put it out while I think of it and put it off until later, I'm bound to forget about it, because the Exfactor always used to put out the trash and it's a job I'm still not used to doing regularly. You would think I would be now after two years, but I still have to make a point of it. There's always a little warning bell going off some time during the weekend that I must not forget it, but it doesn't usually go off at the right moment.

He also used to always pay the bills, but that was a job he disliked doing very much and paperwork was always put off until the very last minute. When I had to take that over all on my own, I immediately got very organized and found out all about it as quickly as I could. I'm very up to date on the bills and have most of them written off automatically so I don't forget anything. I do have a budget and stick to it closely. It's a responsibility I can handle, but then I only have to worry about my own expenses and I don't have a family to worry about. Like kids who make big demands or a husband who is high maintenance. 

I didn't used to know what was in the kitchen cabinets or in the kitchen closet, except the most necessary things. I came to find out, when I was living on my own, that there was a lot of junk there and that a lot of other places in the apartment held a lot of junk. A 'getting rid of stuff' process started and now I'm almost down to the basics and everything is accounted for. The Exfactor used to be in charge, but wasn't really capable of running the ship. He was the wrong person for it, because he was not capable of throwing anything out. Things got stowed everywhere and collected dirt and dust.

It's very strange to live in a place that you're not in charge of, while you're in fact the woman of the house. It's a very liberating realization when you do become in charge of it and fix things according to your own ideas and actually have the nerves to toss things out. You make huge discoveries and have light bulbs go on above your head and suddenly you see reason and become clear headed. Bless the day that I came to live on my own in this apartment. It is the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I guess you never would have thought that I'd say that one day, would you? 

It's very liberating to be a woman on your own, although it can be lonely at times and sometimes I do wish for a companion. I wouldn't want someone around me all the time, though. It would get on my nerves, because I do appreciate my independence and my privacy. I don't want to play house with anyone. I never was into that when I was a kid either. Neither did I play with dolls. I don't think I have huge bonding needs. They're not out of the ordinary anyway. I have a tendency to stick to myself and make do with my own company. Each person is an island, although part of an archipelago. You can build a bridge, but a bridge can be dismantled and then you can only swim across. 

I know someone who is a gregarious loner. It is something I would like to be, but I think I'm not gregarious enough yet. I need a little bit more humor in me. I take myself much too serious. Some day I'll be relaxed and wise enough to be one too. Then I'll be able to laugh at myself and see the humor of my own character. I'll be able to see the comedy that my own life also is. I'll approach mankind with laughter on my face. That will be my first expression. I have been told that I look naughty, like the cat that ate the mouse. But that's really my ironic look. Nobody knows this yet. Until now. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora