The best is yet to come...

I want to wite as normal a post as possible without trying to reflect a state of mind that doesn't exist. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure of my state of mind at the moment because I may be the slightest bit on the loopy side. That is not because of my sleep medication because I'm not under the influence of it anymore. I feel a little giddy all on my own and can't take things quite as serious as I should right now. 

Of course, it's not necessary that I do. I think I'm serious enough most of the time so that it's okay to lighten up a bit. I'd like to lighten up a lot as a matter of fact. That would really reflect my most inner state of mind. The place where my joyful child waits impatiently to be let out. I will set her free and give her the upper hand. 

I had many joyful moments throughout the day that were about nothing important at all. They were joyful because they were free of stress and worry and I could indulge myself simply in enjoying being alive in the moment. Nothingness is a great bliss. You shouldn't strive for the presence of some things, you should strive for the absence of other things. Subtraction is the greatest skill. 

Look at me suddenly taking on a serious tone while I had not planned on that. I think that must be because I've stopped drinking coffee and have switched to cold milk. It does have a tendecy to interfere with the workings of my frontal lobes. I should have poured myself a stiff drink in order to lower my boundaries and let my sense of humor speak better. I don't know how well frozen frontal lobes are going to help me in being giddy. 

I do hope I wake up in all peacefulness in the morning and set the standard for the day. It would be wonderful to have many more joyful moments in which to contemplate my navel and be free of stress and worry. 

I need to take my joyful self back to bed and finish sleeping. I am yawning now and it's because of the gosh darned milk. No, it's really because of the law of nature and people need to be asleep in the middle of the night. I'm no different than anybody else.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Irene

Before I take a nap...

I don't even know if I'm going to take a nap yet. It may be one way to get through a seemingly long and boring afternoon. I've already had a busy morning and there's nothing on the program for the rest of the day. I did get up early this morning before the sun had even gotten up properly. It was good to get an early start and walk the dog first thing once I was awake good and well. 

It was very cold this morning having gotten down to freezing during the night. Even in my winter coat I was not warm enough. There's a blustery wind blowing from the south, which is at least warmer than one blowing from the north. As usual, I can't get warm enough and am chilled down to my bones. I'm drinking hot coffee to get a little warmer but it hardly seems to help. I'm probably not carrying enough fat.

The Exfactor showed up first and was a welcome sight. I actually didn't need that many groceries but it was good to see his friendly face. He told me all about his long and cold weekend and his adventures on his motorcycle and all I could think was that I was glad that I wasn't on the back of it. I prefer comfort and warmth. Like sitting in a cozy car with the heater turned on. 

I made a short shopping list and asked him to be on the look out for a coffeemaker because I'm starting to long for real cups of coffee now. The Exfactor is usually in and out so many stores during the week that he is bound to run into one. The groceries were quickly done but I do have to eat one of the Greek yoghurts soon because the Exfactor accidentally poked his finger through the lid of one of them. That will be my mission for today then. 

My personal helper showed up next and we had a good time chatting about everything under the sun. She tells me many things she's not supposed to tell me and I have a good time listening to all her stories. Sometimes I fall out of my chair in amazement. I laugh at the ridiculousness of management and the silliness of bureaucracy. You wouldn't believe how bad it gets. I tell her that sometimes it sounds like she's in a very badly directed film. 

I've walked the dog for the second time and picked up the apartment. I have no laundry to do and no dishes to wash. I can't think of a thing to do. I've washed my hair and got it to look properly tousled again which was a bit of a job because it was so squeaky clean. I did have to put a lot of hairspray on it but now even this blustery wind can't destroy it. The only thing that would is a hurricane and I don't think we're about to have one. 

I've changed my clothes because I was too cold and because what I was wearing was tight and made my stomach stick out too much. I looked like I was several months pregnant and I'm too old for that. I can't get away with it. I'm wearing something a little more forgiving now. I have to remember to get more tops like this. I can't go around constantly holding in my stomach. I'm bound to forget and look silly. 

I've got to look for something to keep me occupied. How does a middle aged woman stay out of trouble? I can think of ways to get into trouble but they may not all be socially acceptable. 

Ciao,

Irene

Feast or famine...

I haven't for the past two nights felt funny anymore and that's, I think, because I wake up prematurely. Tonight I woke up because the cat was licking my head with her rough tongue. It was a strange thing to wake up to, but rather pleasant once I realized what the sensation was. I laid very still so she wouldn't stop. 

Of course, after a while she did and moved on, so I got up and made myself some coffee. I'm waiting for it to put some oomph into my life as I sit here rather listlessly. I'm awake, but not functioning well enough. I'm counting on the caffeine to bring some difference to that.

I didn't have a very rewarding day yesterday. I went back to bed early in the morning without setting the alarm clock and I slept past both my appointments. I didn't wake up until a quarter past noon when it was too late for even the last one. 

At least I got all the sleep I needed and that was a good thing because I was in dire need of it. I had been dragging my butt for a couple of days. In the afternoon I even took a long nap and if the cat hadn't woken me up, I'm sure I would be asleep now. I made sure I set the alarm clock before I went to bed last night because I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist at 11 am. I mustn't miss that one. 

Actually, it wasn't such a very unrewarding day yesterday. It was just a very low key day. It rained for most of it, which didn't bother me too much, except for when I had to walk the dog. We did get a little wet and cold. The rest of the day, at least the part that wasn't spent sleeping, went by quickly. The day was over in no time at all. 

I watched a very satisfying episode of 'A Touch of Frost' and started reading a new book: 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt. I've always liked her novels and hope to enjoy this one as well. She's a very intelligent writer. The first novel I ever read of her was called 'Possession.' I recommend it for beginners. This novel I have now came from my bookcase from the hoard of books I haven't read yet. It is nice to be in 'possession' of all those books and have my pick.

I need to look through the mail from the last couple of days and see what that's all about, but I'm loathe to do it. I keep putting it off. I'm always afraid that people will want money from me. There's only so much to go around. It's a pain in the neck to get unexpected, official looking mail. You try to determine by the look of the envelope what will be in it, but it is impossible. The only thing to do is to be brave and open it up. 

For one day today the weather is actually going to be nice, but it is an exception. The sun will be shining and there will be no rain. The temperatures will be decent and there will be no cold wind like there was yesterday. After that there will be rain again. 

It is a very strange summer and we've had no hot weather to speak of since May. People are booking last minute vacations like crazy. Double the amount that they were last year.

I need to go back to bed to sleep for a few more hours. Not that I'm now sleepy or anything. I may get so once I'm under the duvet. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Laughing matters...

This is going to be an attempt at not taking myself so seriously, but I honestly don't know if I'm capable of it. It seems to me that I try to weigh off the amount of humor against the amount of graveness very carefully, but that I get bogged down in the latter very often. That is my perception anyway. It may be a skewed point of view, but that's how I see it. 

It's in the middle of the night and I'm having my inevitable cups coffee. I'm still waiting for them to wake me up properly and to put some pizazz into my writing. If they're not going to soon, I'm switching to cold milk. I want to get a little high out of the caffeine and if I'm not getting that, there's no point in drinking them. I'm still yawning and may have gotten up when I shouldn't have. 

I very easily could have continued sleeping after I went to the toilet, but I had to be stubborn and stay up. I have to be fully awake by 7 am because I have an appointment at 8:50 am. I have to go see the woman at my GP's practice who's going to help me quit smoking. That doesn't leave me much time to get any extra sleep and at noontime I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. It does pay to be alert by that time. 

I woke up with my short hair sticking up all over the place. I look like a stick figure that a child drew. That's the one drawback about having short hair. It does look funny when you've slept on it. I'll have to wash it every day to get it to look nice. That's no real hardship, of course. It's in place and dry in no time at all.

I have to go back to bed for a while. I feel that my whole body needs it. I'll have to set the alarm clock and hope I make it up on time. I'm going to set it for 8 o'clock. That should give me enough time to get my act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Quiet Days...

I've spent a quiet day at home, not doing anything out of the ordinary but watching television and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did open the bedroom window at one point to air out the place until it got too cold in here. I just turned up the thermostat and I'm waiting for my hands to get warm. I didn't realize that I had gotten so cold.

I did take Tyke out and we trudged through the melting snow. The ice is even melting and crunches when I step on it. Some people have cleaned their sidewalks. Other people have blocked the sidewalks with piles of snow from their driveways. That's real smart, isn't it? They're not the brightest bulbs in the package. 

I put out the trash early while I thought of it, because I forgot last week so I had two bags today. If I don't put it out while I think of it and put it off until later, I'm bound to forget about it, because the Exfactor always used to put out the trash and it's a job I'm still not used to doing regularly. You would think I would be now after two years, but I still have to make a point of it. There's always a little warning bell going off some time during the weekend that I must not forget it, but it doesn't usually go off at the right moment.

He also used to always pay the bills, but that was a job he disliked doing very much and paperwork was always put off until the very last minute. When I had to take that over all on my own, I immediately got very organized and found out all about it as quickly as I could. I'm very up to date on the bills and have most of them written off automatically so I don't forget anything. I do have a budget and stick to it closely. It's a responsibility I can handle, but then I only have to worry about my own expenses and I don't have a family to worry about. Like kids who make big demands or a husband who is high maintenance. 

I didn't used to know what was in the kitchen cabinets or in the kitchen closet, except the most necessary things. I came to find out, when I was living on my own, that there was a lot of junk there and that a lot of other places in the apartment held a lot of junk. A 'getting rid of stuff' process started and now I'm almost down to the basics and everything is accounted for. The Exfactor used to be in charge, but wasn't really capable of running the ship. He was the wrong person for it, because he was not capable of throwing anything out. Things got stowed everywhere and collected dirt and dust.

It's very strange to live in a place that you're not in charge of, while you're in fact the woman of the house. It's a very liberating realization when you do become in charge of it and fix things according to your own ideas and actually have the nerves to toss things out. You make huge discoveries and have light bulbs go on above your head and suddenly you see reason and become clear headed. Bless the day that I came to live on my own in this apartment. It is the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I guess you never would have thought that I'd say that one day, would you? 

It's very liberating to be a woman on your own, although it can be lonely at times and sometimes I do wish for a companion. I wouldn't want someone around me all the time, though. It would get on my nerves, because I do appreciate my independence and my privacy. I don't want to play house with anyone. I never was into that when I was a kid either. Neither did I play with dolls. I don't think I have huge bonding needs. They're not out of the ordinary anyway. I have a tendency to stick to myself and make do with my own company. Each person is an island, although part of an archipelago. You can build a bridge, but a bridge can be dismantled and then you can only swim across. 

I know someone who is a gregarious loner. It is something I would like to be, but I think I'm not gregarious enough yet. I need a little bit more humor in me. I take myself much too serious. Some day I'll be relaxed and wise enough to be one too. Then I'll be able to laugh at myself and see the humor of my own character. I'll be able to see the comedy that my own life also is. I'll approach mankind with laughter on my face. That will be my first expression. I have been told that I look naughty, like the cat that ate the mouse. But that's really my ironic look. Nobody knows this yet. Until now. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora