It's about time...

I'm sitting here with a much needed cup of coffee pretending that the day is much more entertaining than it really is. I've done my chores and walked the dog and there's nothing left for me to do. I have to try and fill the remaining hours of the afternoon and they seem to stretch endlessly ahead me.

I try very much to live in the moment and to not project myself forward in time too much. I'm trying to stay in the here and now and not worry about what I'm going to do an hour from now. If I stay in the moment, chances are that each moment will bring its own solution and that I will enjoy it as it happens. 

If I learned anything from Mindfulness, it is that. It's not something that comes to me automatically. I do have to make the effort and repeatedly tell myself to not start thinking ahead of time. But if I do make the effort, the peacefulness is very rewarding. 

The problem is that I can't only stay in the moment and write a blog post. That would get awfully boring. I would not have anything to write about but telling you that I was contemplating my navel. My navel does not have that much depth. There are other things to discuss that are more interesting.

The means to hang on to your sanity differ with the circumstances of your life. If the circumstances were different, my coping mechanisms would be different too. Fate has me living this kind of life for now, but it could just as easily be completely the opposite. I would magically make other coping skills appear out of thin air if I had to. I have to prepare myself for my window of opportunity.

Sometimes you have to live your life as if there's a safety net in place and assume that you're going to land safely. That means that you have to be willing to take chances. I've been living my life too carefully and am going to put a stop to that now. I'm going to do more things that I'm uncomfortable with doing. I will tell myself there's a saftey net. 

And now I will go and move to the next moment. 

Ciao,

Nora

The pesky dog...

The pesky dog won't let me sleep. He woke me up by insistently barking at me and if I ignored him, he jumped on the bed and slobbered on my face. It was very obvious that he wanted me to get up. He kept repeating this, because I kept ignoring him, until there was no other recourse but to get up. He had to go out back to do a piddle.

And now, of course, I am up with a cup of coffee, which is really a cafe au lait because it has more milk than coffee in it. Soit, it will suffice. It actually tastes pretty good, but I'm going to have to make some real coffee to get my head straight. I should just go straight back to bed, but I'm too stubborn to do that. I do like sitting here in this half asleep state and try to make sense. It's a challenge.

I don't know why I take on these challenges when It's so obvious that I'm not up to them, unless this real cup of coffee that I'm having now is going to work quickly and set my head straight. It may happen yet. I'm chugging it down and getting ready to have the next one in my eagerness to make sense. Anything to stop me from yawning anyway...

...I just fell asleep for an hour in my desk chair and  I just woke up again. I feel a lot better now. That little nap was just what I needed. I feel completely refreshed. I just got a little bit chilled and I'll have to put on my bathrobe. 

There, I also got a new cup of coffee because the old one had gotten cold. At least I remained upright in my chair and my head didn't hit the keyboard. I was leaning against the backrest of the chair and my chin was resting on my chest. I did pick the most comfortable position to sleep in, although I don't even remember drifting off. 

*

One of my blogging buddies  said that she applied lotion to her feet every night before she went to sleep and that this gave her very soft feet. I have been thinking about doing the same thing because I have a lot of problems with callouses that are hard to get rid of and I thought maybe the lotion might help that. If I'm good about it and apply it every night, I may get silky soft feet. It would be a good habit to get into.

I also seem to have developed eczema on the fingers of my right hand and am going to have to start applying ointment there. The skin got cracked there and is a little painful. Now I have to remember to apply the ointment in several places and I'm already bad about doing it. It's one of my least favorite jobs. I guess I'd rather scratch than apply ointment. Sometimes I don't take good care of myself. 

I'm equally bad about applying lotion to my arms and legs to prevent dry skin and rough elbows and knees. I do have some very nice smelling stuff that I can apply. I think I'm going to have to develop some new habits and take care of them before I go to sleep at night. They will just have to become new rituals. It's time to turn a new leaf. 

*

I've completely run out of perfumes and have thrown out all the empty bottles. I used them up quickly and I think I maybe applied them to liberally. I can't help myself, I do like to smell nice. I'm going to have to replenish my supply by going to the discount store and picking out some new ones. I'll have to walk over there one of these days. Right now I'm making do with a very nice smelling deodorant, but there's nothing like a good perfume. I do like it when my clothes smell of it. 

*

I have to take the bottle of Febreze and spray all the clothes that are on hangers in my closet, even the ones that have recently been washed. It will give them that nice fresh smell that's so nice when I put them on. A lot of my clothes smell like smoke and I can't keep washing them every time I've worn them just once. Some of the clothes are too delicate for that. That's a job I can do this week. 

It has been nice to discover that some size 16 clothes are way too big on me now and that those can go in the piles of obsolete items. It's a bit of a shame not to be able to wear those clothes anymore, but there are others instead that I can wear and that makes up for it. 

*

I suppose that I will go to bed now as it is late. I will start with my new rituals tonight. I'll get all the lotions out and put them on the bookcase by the bed. Then I'll have no excuse to forget them. I'll turn into a proper woman yet. 

Have a good night and a splendid morning when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

On a Thursday morning...

I had a heck of a time yesterday because I was rapid cycling. This came after I had been in a not so great mood for a couple of days and that should have been a warning sign that something was up. I had to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet in the afternoon when things really started going badly, but soon after that they improved and I was able to have a better night. 

It is possible that I will have to stay on an increased dose for a while. I seem to be in an unstable period and the dose I am on is not protecting me well enough. I will have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and find out what he thinks about this. It is good that I have the leeway to take an extra tablet if I need it. It really helps. It is better if I have the approval of my psychiatrist. 

Since yesterday was such a crazy day, I can't say much that's sensible about it. I can look back on it now and see that I should have done something about the situation much sooner and that I let things get out of hand. Very often you are not the best judge of your own situation until it's almost too late. Still, you are the only one who knows what's going on inside your own head and you do have to make the decisions. 

I'm planning on having a very quiet day today. I don't want much of anything to happen. I hope the day passes without any events in it. I will walk Tyke and do some chores, but not do anything that is upsetting to my equilibrium. It's nice to be under the impression that you can actually plan a day like that, but I'm going to try my hardest. There's no need to go looking for challenges. I can avoid those as much as possible. 

I wish I had something totally different to write about. I think this is a very uninteresting subject. I can't wait to start the next blog post. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora