Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

English tea...

I'm having a pot of ordinary tea (it is called English tea) and it's not keeping me awake. I sat here reading blogs and I was slowly drifting off to sleep in my chair. "Well, go to bed then," I hear you all say, but I don't quite want to do that yet. I want to sit here in a stupor and see if I can write a post first while I break out into a sweat from the effort. 

Oh right, that may be from the hot tea. It does taste very nice and I hoped that whatever caffeine was in it would keep me awake, but it doesn't quite work like that, I guess. There is a difference between coffee and ordinary tea, apparently.

It did get me over the grumpiness that I felt when I had just gotten up. I'm grateful for that because that's the one big reason why I drink the coffee. It's to alter my mood, but the tea seems to have done the job too. I do have to say that I make strong tea. It is almost black and the sugar makes it sweet. Strong, sweet tea. Isn't that supposed to cure what ails you? 

Darn, it's hard to stay awake. I have to try and think of something interesting. It's hard to do when only some parts of your brain are functioning and others are in sleep mode. Maybe I can wake them up with a glass of ice cold milk. Sort of shock them into alertness. It's worth a try. 

I didn't stay up to watch 'Midsomer Murders' last night. I was too tired and went to bed early. That's because I didn't have my afternoon nap. Middle aged women like I do need their beauty sleep. I'll even miss a good thriller for that. 

I just let the dog out back and stood outside in the cold night air. There was a pleasant wind blowing and it cooled me off quite nicely.Now I'll appreciate getting under the duvet all the more. 

It's time to go back to bed, although I've stopped yawning and am alert again. The cold milk worked. Well, up to a point it did. I am somewhat looking forward to going back to sleep. I do know that I need at least several more hours. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

No such luck tonight...

I had taken an extra sleeping pill in the hope of sleeping extra well tonight, but I was not so lucky as the dog started to bark very loudly not too many hours after I had fallen asleep. Needless to say, this shocked me awake and I had to get up to settle him down. I stayed up and made myself some coffee and now I am sitting here in a half awake state which is mildly pleasant and as a matter of fact, not at all disagreeable. 

It must be because I'm slightly drugged that it agrees with me so well and it's true that I'm slightly dopey. I'm not saying no to this state of mind and I embrace it fully because what a wonderful place to be in. All my thoughts are pleasant and mellow and I don't feel one bit of anxiety. I can highly recommend this condition to anyone. 

You may want to smoke a little bit of pot to get into this frame of mind. Just a few tokes ought to do it. It's good for whatever physical aches and pains you have and in some countries it is prescribed medicinally. You could be legally smoking pot if it's not easily available like it is here. My son used it as part of his cancer treatment. It was prescribed to him. 

That's was just an aside. I got a little sidetracked. I'm easily distracted right now being not completely in charge of my full faculties. 

Of course, this mood is not going to last forever. As I drink my coffee I will sober up and become quite normal again. It is not for me  to stay in a state of oblivion for a long time. I'm too down to earth for that. I do always seek the path back to the rational state of being very quickly. Recreational drugs are probably wasted on me. All they do is make me hungry and raid the refrigerator. 

I find that the best way to sleep in bed with my bad and painful shoulder, is to lie on my back with my hands folded over my stomach. Sort of like the effigy of a knight resting over his grave. I have the least amount of pain then. It's getting up and acting like it's a normal shoulder when I get in trouble and the least amount of movement bothers me.

This does not prevent me from using it, as I don't want to act like a cripple. I figure if I can stand the pain then I can do the deed. If I don't use it, it will stiffen up and I will be even further from home. If it gets worse, I will go see my GP, but until that time I will ignore it as much as possible. I sure can't go whacking anybody over the head with that arm, but I wasn't planning on doing that anyway. 

I didn't stay up to watch that thriller last night, feeling a great desire to go to bed instead and to sleep between the clean sheets. I was not disappointed and was very comfortable. It's a loss to miss the thriller, but sometimes sleep comes first. 

It won't come first now because by this time I'm over my stupor and I'm wide awake. I will have to drink some warm milk and in the meantime find some activities to keep me occupied.  It's still very early in the night and I've got many hours to go until dawn when I'll be ready to go to sleep again. Maybe I'll surprise myself and go to sleep on time anyway. 

I hope you're having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Drinking cups of coffee...

I've taken a nap and watched the news, but neither of these things have done anything to restore my sanity. I realized that I was in need of caffeine and saw myself forced to make a pot of coffee. 

I'm drinking my second cup and I know I will have a third one because I'm slowly coming to my senses. I no longer feel the need to commit suicide. That's a relief anyway. In a little while I may even be able to put on a happy face. 

Caffeine does normally have that effect. It works as good as any medicine. Why bother with a 'happy pill' if you can have a cup of coffee? 

I'm not doing well and see the shadow of the 'black dog' who's wandering around again. I'm showing all the signs of an upcoming depression and have already sent my psychiatrist an email to that effect. I've been fighting this feeling for a while and it's better to acknowledge it and ring the warning bell. 

It's not so smart to ignore help when help is available. It's no good trying to muddle through on your own and to fight a losing battle. You can act like you're tough when you're really being foolhardy.

Except for the news, there's not a thing of interest on TV tonight to distract me. Tomorrow night there will be a thriller on, but tonight there is just the usual fare for the masses. I suppose I will act like one and try to be amused anyway.

I still have to eat dinner, but I can't get excited about it. I will blame that on the 'black dog.' 

I have to go in search of a better mood. Maybe I left it lying around somewhere. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The mildness of the early morning...

Last night I closed all the windows and turned on the heater, that's how cold I was. This is after I had put on my bathrobe over my clothes and I had put on socks also. I couldn't get warm enough. 

It was wonderful to have the heater on for a while, but I turned it off before I went to bed. I haven't opened the windows yet, but I will later this morning because I can't hear the rain that's falling and I do miss the sound of it. 

It's not going to be very warm today and I will wear warmer clothes than I did yesterday. I'm going to have to put away all the clothes I have worn in the last few days because I've left them lying around. They're very easily put away in the closet, but I've been lazy. 

I stayed up late last night because I watched the thriller 'Wallander' and it wasn't on until late. It was an exciting episode and worth staying up for. I think the month of many thrillers every week is over now because there isn't one on tonight, much to my regret. It will be plain old boring TV again from now on. 

That means I will be doing more reading possibly. I've started reading 'The Abortionist's Daughter' and am somewhat interested in it. It hasn't quite grabbed me the way I had hoped it would, but I will stick with it. I don't want to give up too easily. Maybe I'm not the reader I once was. 

Today will be the last stage of the Tour de France which I have been following to some extend. Both the television and the radio have been doing live broadcasts and have built other talk shows around it. There's been a lot of coverage. It's been hard to ignore it. There will be an exciting finish today because the winner is not yet clear. 

There's been a lot of television and radio coverage about the mass killings in Norway. We get hourly updates on that and it is an awfully gruesome thing. The Norwegians have been shocked to the core as theirs is a relatively safe country. I think we would all be very shocked if it happened to us. It's a very sad thing indeed. My heart goes out to the parents of all those young people that were killed. 

Since it's Sunday today, it is the inevitable day of rest, but there will be some chores I have to do, the laundry being one of them. Before I do anything, I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's too early to start the day. 

It's stopped raining, but I will open the windows anyway to air out the place. With a little bit of luck it will rain again more soon so I can listen to the soothing sound of it. 

Have a good Sunday, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Feast or famine...

I haven't for the past two nights felt funny anymore and that's, I think, because I wake up prematurely. Tonight I woke up because the cat was licking my head with her rough tongue. It was a strange thing to wake up to, but rather pleasant once I realized what the sensation was. I laid very still so she wouldn't stop. 

Of course, after a while she did and moved on, so I got up and made myself some coffee. I'm waiting for it to put some oomph into my life as I sit here rather listlessly. I'm awake, but not functioning well enough. I'm counting on the caffeine to bring some difference to that.

I didn't have a very rewarding day yesterday. I went back to bed early in the morning without setting the alarm clock and I slept past both my appointments. I didn't wake up until a quarter past noon when it was too late for even the last one. 

At least I got all the sleep I needed and that was a good thing because I was in dire need of it. I had been dragging my butt for a couple of days. In the afternoon I even took a long nap and if the cat hadn't woken me up, I'm sure I would be asleep now. I made sure I set the alarm clock before I went to bed last night because I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist at 11 am. I mustn't miss that one. 

Actually, it wasn't such a very unrewarding day yesterday. It was just a very low key day. It rained for most of it, which didn't bother me too much, except for when I had to walk the dog. We did get a little wet and cold. The rest of the day, at least the part that wasn't spent sleeping, went by quickly. The day was over in no time at all. 

I watched a very satisfying episode of 'A Touch of Frost' and started reading a new book: 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt. I've always liked her novels and hope to enjoy this one as well. She's a very intelligent writer. The first novel I ever read of her was called 'Possession.' I recommend it for beginners. This novel I have now came from my bookcase from the hoard of books I haven't read yet. It is nice to be in 'possession' of all those books and have my pick.

I need to look through the mail from the last couple of days and see what that's all about, but I'm loathe to do it. I keep putting it off. I'm always afraid that people will want money from me. There's only so much to go around. It's a pain in the neck to get unexpected, official looking mail. You try to determine by the look of the envelope what will be in it, but it is impossible. The only thing to do is to be brave and open it up. 

For one day today the weather is actually going to be nice, but it is an exception. The sun will be shining and there will be no rain. The temperatures will be decent and there will be no cold wind like there was yesterday. After that there will be rain again. 

It is a very strange summer and we've had no hot weather to speak of since May. People are booking last minute vacations like crazy. Double the amount that they were last year.

I need to go back to bed to sleep for a few more hours. Not that I'm now sleepy or anything. I may get so once I'm under the duvet. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't it wonderful?

Today is actually Saturday and the first day of the weekend which I love so much. I can't begin to tell you why I do. It would turn into an endlessly boring story, but I do like the two days off from most of my responsibilities, few as they are and mostly imagined. I have 'during the week stress syndrome'. I always feel under a lot of pressure and it disappears over the weekend. 

I always felt that I had to be sick in order to get out from under the stress that I felt and used to get many mysterious cases of the flu. Headaches, sore throats, stomachaches. Now that I know better, I don't get these aches and pains anymore, except on rare occasions. I can honestly say that I'm actually physically a very healthy person when I didn't think I was before. 

I do still get backaches, but I think those have to do with posture and weak spots in my back. Being away from the computer and taking a good walk help take care of them. Having lost all the weight has also helped tremendously. I do very often have a sore spot halfway up my back, but that's due to the mild case of scoliosis. Sitting very upright helps and taking pain medication on occasion is also helpful. 

That goes to show you how mental stress can translate itself into physical ailments. You need to take care of yourself mentally in order to take care of yourself physically. I used to get an inflamed esophagus regularly and I never do now. My stomach used to be literally tied up in knots and make me feel sick to the point of vomiting. 

Anyway, it is Saturday and I can relax and enjoy the day which will end with an episode of 'Wallander' on TV tonight. It will be on late, so hopefully I will not be too sleepy and have the energy to stay up to watch it. It is on past my bedtime and I may be tempted to go to sleep. But then I would miss out on listening to all that wonderful Swedish, so I do really have to give it my best try and stay up.

Yesterday went by fine. A domestic help was here, but it still wasn't my regular one whose whereabouts are a mystery to me. The girl that was here instead was a part time worker who was really a student at the university, so capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. She had coffee with the Exfactor and me when he showed up to do some shopping for me. 

The dog thought the domestic help had come especially for him and spent a lot of time bonding with her and by the time she left he was best friends with her. He does like all this company we get and he especially likes the fact that they're all cuddly women who take the time to pet him. He can't get up close and personal enough. He likes everybody. 

I finally had the courage to open up all my mail and was glad to find out that I could dismiss most of it. A lot of it went straight into the recycling box. Today I have to check the mailbox again because I haven't checked it in a few days not being in the right frame of mind to do it. I don't get mail every day and I have a sticker on my mail slot that prohibits junk mail. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of adverts as well as regular mail.

I checked the TV guide and found out that the daily exercise program is on at 8:45 in the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I'm asleep. I thought I needed the exercise to get rid of some excess fat and to tone some muscles. I have to figure out a way to do this. I know the exercise program is good because I've watched it a few times. 

I suppose I could set the alarm clock, but I don't know if I'm that much of a hero. I would be awfully grouchy if I was woken up by it and I wouldn't have had enough sleep. It's a real dilemma. I would probably shut off the alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. 

I have to stop eating vanilla pudding even though I only eat one bowl of it a day. I've got to switch to another kind of sensible and healthy food. I was thinking of whole meal rusk toast with cheese. As long as I feel that I've eaten something substantial. The vanilla pudding tastes great, but it probably has too many calories in it. It tastes too good to be true. 

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep. I've been drinking cold milk and am sufficiently chilled to want to get back under the warm duvet. The dog's just been out back for a piddle, so he's all set for now. 

I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Acceptance...

The coffeemaker is brewing a pot of coffee to which I'm looking forward very much. It is spitting the last drops of water into the filter and I will be able to fill my cup in just a second. It will be most satisfactory to drink because I just had a cup of heated up coffee and it wasn't so very good. I knew it wasn't going to be, but I had it anyway. I was too discombobulated when I first got up to make a proper pot. 

I didn't hear the first birds start to sing, but now I'm listening to the latecomers. They don't sound nearly as enthusiastic, as if they're just putting in their time. It all sounds rather halfhearted. The first birds really make a concert of it and are jubilant. They sound like a hallelujah choir that greets the day wholeheartedly. 

Thank god today is Friday. All I have left to do are the dishes and to hang up the clean laundry. Those are not unsurmountable chores. They are within reason. The bed's been changed and I had the pleasure of sleeping under clean sheets last night. That was after I watched 'A Touch of Frost' which was on late.

It was a satisfactory episode and nothing too complicated, although it did have a twist that I didn't figure out until the last minute, but then again, I'm not a big sleuth and do like to be surprised. It was a good old fashioned thriller. The kind that makes you want to have cheese and crackers and a good glass of wine while you watch it. 

I've accepted the fact that I've had to increase my medication after having decreased it not too long ago. It seems that I don't do well enough on a lesser amount in the long run. I can see the sense of that and I hope my psychiatrist can see it also. I have to write him an email about it today. 

It's always nice to try and do with less and for a while it seemed to work, but this is the second time in a few weeks that I've gotten into trouble and I think that's too often. I become dysphoric and it is highly uncomfortable. I don't think that's the way I'm supposed to exist. It's supposed to be easier than that. 

I'm having a lovely glass of cold milk now and very nice it tastes too. I'd had enough coffee. It really only takes two cups to get me in the right state of mind as a rule. I'm going to do my chores before I go back to bed for some more sleep. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time before she gets here. I do need to come to my senses before she walks in. 

There's not going to be an exciting thriller on this evening. There will be a Belgian police series on and they are as bad as the Dutch ones. They don't compare to the British thrillers. Then there's going to be 'The Music Fest on the Square.' That's all Dutch music and that's about as bad as it sounds. It doesn't suit my taste, but a certain segment of the population seems to really enjoy it. 

Right, I'm off. Have a great day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Easing toward dawn...

Actually, I just noticed that it's dawn already because the sky is starting to become light, although there are many clouds there still. I've been so preoccupied that I didn't hear the birds sing, but now that I'm paying attention, I do hear some of them chirp. I think I missed the big concert earlier when they all woke up. 

There must have been the usual cacophony, but I didn't hear it because I was too busy commenting on blog posts. That goes to show you that I can only pay proper attention to one thing at the time. I can't chew gum and walk at the same time. 

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm cold so it's time to put on my bathrobe. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Is that how preoccupied I was? 

The dog is sleeping soundly behind me in the armchair. I haven't heard a peep out of him yet. The cat is asleep on the sofa. She's curled up into a little ball. That's what the early morning looks like here. 

I'm trying not to think too much about the day ahead. I've still got to go to bed to sleep some more before I really start the day. It won't be until my second attempt at getting up that I will have to give serious thought to the rest of the day. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to increase my medication like I did yesterday and inform my psychiatrist of it. It helped me so much and I felt so much better when I did it yesterday that it seems senseless not to do it today and have another bad day. I've had enough of them and don't want a repeat.

I've got some chores to do today and I suppose that, despite the reluctance that I feel, I will get them done. I just need to work up some enthusiasm and I hope that when I wake up later, I will have some of that. It's very necessary that I feel up to things again and not look at them as a mountain I have to climb. 

I've been watching a program on TV called 'Baby Boom' and I'm sure that if I were in my child producing years, I would have been motivated to get pregnant now. It's all about getting pregnant and trying to stay pregnant and having babies. It tugs at my heart strings and brings back many memories and I'm sorry that those years are behind me. 

It's probably the wrong program for me to watch. I'm sure I'm in the wrong age group. I have an infertile body and no hormones screaming through my body. It's purely an emotional issue. Accepting that I've reached this stage in my life and that the other stage is over for good. I sure do miss it, though. 

'Aurelio Zen' was on last night and it was a good episode. I understand that only three of them were made and that it's not sure if more of them will be. I think that's a shame and I hope whoever is in charge will change their mind. They are so well done that you forget they are not Italian actors acting as Italian characters. 

'Inspector Frost' will be on tonight and I'm looking forward to that too. He's an old favorite, but I don't know if these will be repeats or new episodes. Either way, it's a good way to spend the evening, although I do end up going to bed late. But that's the least of my worries. 

I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and start a load of washing. It will be nice to lie down in a clean bed. I'm already yawning again so I think it's time to go. I've been drinking cold milk and am slowly getting sleepier. There's a great desire to get under the warm duvet.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Giving it a try...

I've been in a somewhat bad mood for the past two days, but now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I'm going to take advantage of it and try to write a cheerful post. The somewhat weak, yet potable coffee is helping me be in a more optimistic mood, but maybe it's the hour of the night that's helping me be more cheerful. I do always do better at this time of my 24 hour cycle. 

The coffee is weak because I'm almost out of it and I have just enough left to make a pot in the morning when I get up again. By that time I will be out of milk, but there's the powdered creamer left. I'm counting on the Exfactor being here on time to save me from my dire situation. I will drink rooibos tea if I have to, it does agree with me as opposed to regular tea, which gives me lots of phlegm and coughing fits. 

My daytime moods have been very negative and make me not be productive at all. I sit around like a bump on a log and do a lot of sleeping. I can't get excited about very much at all and only take out the dog because I have to. My level of motivation is very low. 

There's a commercial on TV for a soft drink in which people turn into a splash of water and scatter like many drops of it into the air. I've been wanting the same thing to happen to me. To just dissipate into thin air and to vaporize completely. What a perfect way to stop existing. If only it were that simple.

I guess I'm looking for a painless way out. An easy solution that only exists in fiction.

Now, however, it is nighttime and there is a different set of circumstances. I must look at the glass half full, though the coffeepot and the milk container are empty. I guess it's time to drink tea. 

I don't know what my day is going to look like, except that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. More than anything I would like for my mood to improve. I would like for my sense of peacefulness to return. I must find my inner center of calm and concentrate on that and try to find contentment in the little things. 

There's going to be an episode of Inspector Frost on tonight. That's something to look forward to. There's also mail to open. I look less forward to that. It's a minor miracle that I even got it out of the mailbox yesterday. I prefer no mail at all because whatever it is, it's almost always mail I don't want.

I'm sufficiently tired now to want to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. I may waste this day on nothing important at all. If I regain my equilibrium then that would be an achievement. I think doing some dishes and a load of laundry is called for. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Dreaming of the good guys...

It's very early in the morning and the first birds have not yet started to sing. I've had two cups of coffee and am now drinking my third one. For some reason they taste extra good this morning and they are even quenching my thirst. They are also making me feel nice and warm on the inside and I'm sitting here in my pajamas without my bathrobe on. 

It was cool during the night and it isn't going to be such a warm day. I like the coolness at night and sleep better for it. I don't mind so much what the temperature is during the day, as long as it's not too hot. I don't think we're in danger of that this coming week. It's going to be summery, but not too warm. It will be pleasant to be outside. 

Because the fields have been mowed again, there aren't any interesting wildflowers growing there right now. The grass is kept cut short. There are still tall red poppies in the flowerbeds, but that's about it. There's nothing exciting to discover. I look in vain for something new, but all there is is white clover that grows very close to the ground and that is not cut down. The interesting ground cover with the purple flowers has been completely decimated. It was better when the fields were neglected during the drought. Nobody cared what was growing there then. 

Last night I watched a very good episode of 'Sebastian Bergman.' It was interesting because you get to know the character better with each episode and learn to find him a little more sympathetic. There's nothing worse that disliking the main character of the plot. He's becoming more human now. The episode was very exciting and filmed well and then, of course, there was the Swedish language which I paid close attention to. It's starting to make sense. 

I watched a journalism program afterwards which touched on a bunch of political subjects, but which left me none the wiser and with more questions than I had. I suppose it was to stimulate my independent mind. I just wish I knew what to do with it. I feel hopelessly inept at changing the course of history. The 'old boys network' seems very much in place and very smug and solid too. Our liberal prime minister seems to have tight control of everything and enough support to get away with it. Liberalism here being the same thing as what conservative republicanism is in the United States. 

I will go back to bed now. My personal helper is going to be here this morning and I've got to set the alarm clock so I will get up on time. I'll have to find some decent clothes to wear too. Something I will feel pretty and comfortable in. 

I hope you'll all have a very good Monday and a Happy 4th of July if that applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday morning...

Well, it may already be morning and the birds may already have greeted the day, but that does not mean that I'm awake yet. I'm in an upright position and I'm writing this, but that's about where my alertness ends. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and I hope to come to my senses soon. I'll try to make sense in the best possible way and write something coherent until the coffee kicks in. 

I went to bed after midnight because I stayed up and watched an episode of 'Wallander.' It intrigued me enough to want to stay up and finish watching it, although it was way past my bedtime. Besides, it was the Swedish one and I do love watching anything done in Swedish. It's the linguist in me that enjoys it so much. I always try to understand as much of it as I can. 

I watched this after I came home from the film I watched in the film house with my sister. That was only a partial success. It wasn't a very good film, but we had a nice outing. We had cappuccinos in the bar before and after the film and it was very cozy. The film house itself is a very nice place to be and fun to linger in. We got a schedule of the films coming up for the next couple of months and are going to pick out the other ones we want to go see together. There's lots of choice. 

We rode our bikes over there and the film house is downtown. I had not been there in forever, so it was about time that I made the trip, although nothing had changed, of course. Making the bike ride over there wasn't nearly as gruesome as I thought it was going to be and we were there in the shortest amount of time. I'm in good shape and can do it easily. It wasn't very warm out, but that was good weather for riding our bikes in. 

The coffee has kicked in and I am fully awake, much to my relief. I can think absolutely straight. I've got to think about what I'm going to do today besides watch the Tour de France. It will be on all afternoon and I do like to watch it for the scenery and to listen to the casual commentary. It's a nice way to spend the time. It's the tour of tours, after all.

Tonight the thriller 'Sebastian Bergman' will be on. It is another Swedish one. I will be able to practice the language more. At least it will be on at a decent enough time so I won't end up in bed too late. 

I do have to keep in mind that this is that last day of the weekend which is flying by quickly. I have to make the most of the day and spend it as pleasurable as I can. I do think that's what Sundays are for. Sundays are 'treat yourself well days.' 

Of course, I always treat myself well and there's not a day that goes by that I don't. I always try to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. For the most part I succeed, bar the things I don't have any control over. I count my blessings all the time and knock on wood regularly. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Blogging for insomniacs...

I've just started a pot of freshly brewed coffee and it will be done in just a few minutes. I drank a cup of heated up coffee first, but it was very unsatisfactory. I don't think it really woke me up well enough either. I think it had lost those qualities by sitting in the pot too long, if that is possible. I will be right as rain as soon as I have a cup of the freshly brewed stuff. I'm sure my brain will start functioning much better.

I woke up because he dog barked once. That was enough to get me up out of bed. I'm always immediately alert when he barks because I'm afraid that he'll do it again. It was a false alarm because there was nothing the matter and he curled up on the living room chair as soon as I turned on the computer. I think he just likes for me to be up in the middle of the night. I guess he doesn't like to be on his own when it's dark.

I've got my cup of freshly brewed coffee now and very nice it tastes too. It tastes like it will wake me up properly. I'm very eagerly drinking it anyway. I drink it like it's the elixir of life and for my mind it is. I'm sure a study has been done that shows that a certain amount of caffeine is good for a body. I think I remember hearing about it. As long as you don't overdo it. The same as a certain amount of chocolate is and red wine.

I watched a Swedish thriller last night. It was about a forensic profiler and it was the first episode in the series. It was the introduction to the character who was not immediately a likable man. You didn't feel a lot of sympathy for him, but it turned out that he had a lot of skeletons in his closet. He was very good in his job, if not unorthodox, but still it was a bit of a problem to really like him. It is not a clearcut case of him being a good guy. He is multi faceted.

It was fun to listen to the Swedish language because it had elements of English, German and Dutch in it, so some of it was very understandable. It helped to have the subtitles so I could make sense of it, but I paid close attention to what was being said. I've always liked to listen to people speak Swedish. This series is very well done, by the way. It was very believable. It's called 'Stefan Bergman.'

Yesterday went by without a hitch. It was a very low key day. I washed both my skinny jeans in very hot water and hung them outside to dry in the sun. I hope it has shrunk them. I will try them on today, but I won't wear them because it's going to be a hot day and I will have to wear skimpy clothes like I did yesterday.

I started to read a new novel, but found it absolutely uninteresting and I will have to find a new one on the bookcase. Some titles are so intriguing that you imagine the book to be also, but it can be a real let down. Or maybe it's the particular mood you're in that's just not right for that kind of book. 'Running With Scissors' sounded like a good title, but when I started reading the book, I realized I was not interested in the subject matter.

I do better reading a novel that I've already read and liked. I've got enough sorts of books to choose from and I should be able to find one that's to my liking. I may make some false starts, but eventually I will find the right one or I'll end up rereading the same one over and over again and that can't be the purpose of my reading.

The weekend went by quickly and I feel that I didn't do much with it. I took care of some chores, but time seemed to fly by. I think I had gotten used to three day weekends and these short ones go by too quickly. I need a Monday off also. Maybe some day in the future we'll always have three day weekends. I remember my father having to work on Saturdays. That was the norm back then. I do date myself, don't I?

As long as I don't have a 'sell by date' there's no problem. I see no numbers printed on my body. I don't know how to read the life line on the palm of my hand and I'm not about to go to a palm reader to find out how long my life is going to be. In my mind, I'm going to become very old. As long as I can live independently, I have no problem with that. I would always wish to be able to take care of myself. The women on both sides of my family live long and independent lives, so I have good genes.

I bonded well with the dog this weekend. We played endlessly with the tennis ball and he sat on my lap and I got my face slobbered. I do appreciate these tokens of affection. I've gotten completely used to the way he looks now, so naked in his very short fur. He does have the cutest face and his eyes are full of expression.

I think I've made this post long enough and instead of rambling on any longer, I'll knit an end to it. I don't want to bore you with my every day observations of life. A person does have to know when to stop writing.

I blame it on the very good coffee that I've written as much as I have. It's quite perked me up. It will be a real job going back to sleep. I don't think I'm going to be ready for it for a while. I'll have to find some other ways to keep me occupied.

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Upwardly middle aged blogging...

I'm so very thirsty, I could drink two liters of cold milk easily. Instead I'm having a cup of coffee which is waking me up, but is not doing much to quench my thirst. It is very good coffee, I've got that down to a science. As long as I make exactly six cups, I know precisely how much ground coffee to put in the filter. That's one formula I know. I should be able to make four cups and eight, but I haven't tried that yet. I always make six. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and had lost a kilo. I wasn't expecting that and was pleasantly surprised. After all, it is in the middle of the night and that's not when I weight the least. All the signs were pointing to it, though. My clothes are roomy and I move around very easily as if I am a skinny person. Maybe I should get used to that and think of myself as one, but I still have what is so kindly called, love handles. I think they are the bane of middle age. 

I have a flat belly and no bottom and no fat on my thighs. I guess you could say I'm blessed, because at least I don't have a pear shape like so many women do. So, I very consciously count my blessings. When it comes to my hip hugging jeans, they don't have too much hip to hug. I'm the perfect candidate for them. I would have been wearing them sooner had I known this earlier, but then again, timing is everything in life and this is probably when I'm meant to wear them.

I think I've had enough coffee because I'm sufficiently awake. I couldn't be more alert than I am now. I've been drinking it from my favorite mug: the one that has my name on it. It's just big enough so that I can finish the coffee before it gets cold. I wish all my mugs were this size. A lot of them are too big and I always end up drinking cold coffee or having to toss it out. Not a lot of thought goes into the design of coffee mugs. It must be thought that bigger is better, as it is with everything in this day and age. 

Except, of course, that women are supposed to be an unobtainable size zero, which is only achieved by being anorexic and having an overindulgent exercise program. I do say this after proudly proclaiming that I've lost another kilo. 

I was supposed to have watched 'Wallander' last night, but it was on late and I didn't have the energy to stay up to watch it. I went to bed a half hour before it came on. I was only half sorry that I missed it needing my sleep so much. There's nothing I look forward to more than going to bed at night, sleeping for the few hours that I do anyway. 

The dog and the cat get on the bed with me and we have a cuddling session before everybody settles down for the night. There's sure a lot of loving going around. The dog is especially nice to pet now that all of his thick curls have been trimmed. He's a smooth dog and my fingers don't get tangled in his fur. He smells better too. 

Today it's supposed to be 24C and tomorrow and the day after that it will be 32C. It will be a regular heatwave. After that the temperatures are going down and we will have rain again. I'm going to have to dress appropriately and this will be the perfect opportunity to wash both pairs of skinny jeans on a high temperature to shrink them a bit. They are a little bit roomy. I could have done with a smaller size, but I thought that was impossible and too hard to believe.

I will now go and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. I've got to take my medicines because it has become dawn. I'm not ready yet to go back to bed. Maybe I will sit in my armchair and read my novel. I've got a tall glass of cold milk to quench my thirst.

I hope you'll all have a very good Sunday. Don't exhaust yourselves doing too many things. It is a day of rest, after all. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's good to be back.

It had been my intention to go to bed tonight just like ordinary people do at some point, but for whatever reason. it didn't work out that way and I find myself wide awake behind the computer doing all sorts of interesting things. At least, I find them interesting and they have been a source of entertainment to me this past hour or so.

Of course, I have been up much longer than that, but I have been able to fill my time with enough useful things because I have felt no desire to go to bed. It is absolutely cozy here by the light of the desk lamp and in the quiet of the night with only the company of the animals.

I know that sooner or later I will have to go to bed, but I think I can postpone it for a while longer. I'm most definitely not yawning or in any other way showing signs of sleepiness. As soon as I do, I will make the right decision and find my spot under the duvet where I will no doubt sleep like a log.

Every once in a while I have a night like this when I don't have the desire to go to sleep. It's too exciting to be up in the middle of the night and to keep going until the early morning. It's usually when the dawn is about to come that I am ready to go to bed after such a very long night. I didn't sleep last night either. I never was able to get to sleep. I laid in bed uselessly until I gave up and got up again.

I blame it on the fact that for some reason there was no good thriller on TV last night.  This was contrary to my expectations and upset my schedule. I found myself having to go to bed too early while I was not really ready to. There was nothing on TV that I wanted to watch, but it turned out that there was nothing on the radio I wanted to listen to either. So I laid in bed pretty bored.

I can always think of a sure way to entertain myself and that's behind the computer. I'm rarely bored if I'm occupied that way. There's always an email to answer or a blog post to comment on. I get around to the ones that I didn't have time for before. I reread blog posts with more attention and take my time commenting.

I'm taking my sweet old time to finish this post because I'm dawdling a lot. My mind keeps wandering off to other things. It wants to be occupied with subjects that don't matter right now. You could say that I'm easily distracted. Maybe I'm getting tired. That would not be a bad thing.

I do have a bit of a backache but that's from sitting slumped in my armchair. It is too comfortable for me and I always end up in the wrong position and have to very carefully extract myself from it at the end of the evening without putting myself through a lot of pain. Once I'm up, I'm okay again.

I think I will look at my templates and see if I'm happy with them. I may have to play around with them a bit.

Have a good morning when you get up. I will be asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Almost fools in April...

Today is the last day in March and tomorrow will be April Fool's Day. I hope I'm not fooled by anyone because in the past I've been gullible and fallen for it. I may be cynical enough by now not to, I don't know. I suppose it depends on who were to try it and how sincerely it was done. I will forewarn myself and with every story I hear, I will remind myself that it's April 1st and intend not to believe it. I think that's the best defense. 

I'm not a great fooler myself  and hate to tell people stories that aren't true, so I'm not about to go along with the tradition. It's probably because my mother and older sister used to tell very upsetting stories that turned out not to be true when I was a child. I never wanted to carry on that tradition. It's not the kind of joking around that I like. 

Yesterday was not a great day weather wise. It was cloudy and the sun was not out and with it, all my good intentions disappeared. It was as though most of my energy had been drained out of me and I did the least amount of chores. Whether or not it is a sunny, bright day does influence me, apparently. The gloomy weather didn't make me gloomy so much, but it made me want to withdraw inside the apartment and not do much of anything. 

I've done enough of that this wintertime and am not about to repeat it every time the weather doesn't co-operate. I have to get over that and not be so influenced by it, although it seems to have a life of its own and I don't know how much I can actually do about it.

I didn't really perk up until the end of the day and the news came on television. Not that it was anything to be happy about. You have to watch the news so critically, not that they try to influence you one way or the other, but you have to do a lot of reading between the lines and try to get more background information about the stories you hear. Radio is good for that because you hear many different points of view on the subjects. Different broadcasting groups have to share air space on Radio One so, many angles are got at and more information is given. 

It's with some amount of dread that I look forward to today because it's going to be a cloudy, rainy day. Now, I know in the past I've claimed that I liked these days, but I don't like them now. I crave sunlight. I probably preferred the relatively mild, rainy days to the snowy, cold, windy days. Maybe I felt like hibernating more then, but since we've set the clocks ahead one hour, I want nothing more then bright and long, sunny days to go out in. I do walk the dog with much more cheer when it's sunny outside. Heck, I do everything with much more cheer.

I'm going to sit down in my armchair and read my thriller before I go back to bed. It's become a nice little habit. I read in the afternoon also. Slowly but surely I'm getting through that book. Havers is being insubordinate to Linley, but it will all be for a good cause. It will help solve the case. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Ease me gently into the morning...

I figure if I've managed to get 5 hours of sleep, I've done a damn good job and I allow myself to get up and walk into the living room to turn on the computer and from there proceed into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I know how really awake I am by how well I perform this job. If I do it without the least frustration, I am most definitely ready to be up. 

This morning I made the coffee without the least amount of effort. I did it routinely, without giving it a thought and got the proportion of ground coffee just right. I don't over optimistically spoon coffee into the paper filter anymore. I know that less is better to make a strong enough cup with this Dutch coffee.

I also know now at which time of the evening to go to bed to get the most out of my sleep. It isn't very late and I'm certainly not going to go down in history as a party animal, but it is the most sufficient way for me to deal with my specific sleep requirements. It's a good thing that I live alone and that I don't have to be a companion to anyone late at night, because surely it wouldn't work out. Our schedules would clash like crazy.

My dog knows when it's time to go to bed. He gives me the warning signs and acts like my alarm clock to tell me it's time to go. Around bedtime he sits and barks at me softly and won't stop until I've gotten up and changed into my pajamas. Then I have to do my whole 'going to bed routine' while he follows me around the apartment, checking to make sure I do everything I'm supposed to do. He's not happy until I've settled down under the duvet and he's climbed onto the bed with me. 

Of course, every night we have the problem of the cat who wants to come on the bed also and who needs to be chased away by the dog. This is another endless routine that we go through and nobody seems to learn a lesson. The cat always comes and the dog always wants to assert his position and I always have to intervene. Maybe I should stop intervening and let them figure it out for themselves. I should stop rescuing the cat and let her fight her own fights. She needs a little bit of assertiveness training. 

I've stopped drinking coffee a while ago and have switched to lemonade. I'm going to take it and sit in my armchair for a while and read my thriller before I go back to bed to get some more sleep. The Exfactor is going to be here this morning and in the afternoon I've got appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN.  I don't want new sleeping pills. I think they mess me up too much during the day without working at night. I think the system I have now will suffice. 

Have a great day everyone!

Ciao,

Nora