Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

The mildness of the early morning...

Last night I closed all the windows and turned on the heater, that's how cold I was. This is after I had put on my bathrobe over my clothes and I had put on socks also. I couldn't get warm enough. 

It was wonderful to have the heater on for a while, but I turned it off before I went to bed. I haven't opened the windows yet, but I will later this morning because I can't hear the rain that's falling and I do miss the sound of it. 

It's not going to be very warm today and I will wear warmer clothes than I did yesterday. I'm going to have to put away all the clothes I have worn in the last few days because I've left them lying around. They're very easily put away in the closet, but I've been lazy. 

I stayed up late last night because I watched the thriller 'Wallander' and it wasn't on until late. It was an exciting episode and worth staying up for. I think the month of many thrillers every week is over now because there isn't one on tonight, much to my regret. It will be plain old boring TV again from now on. 

That means I will be doing more reading possibly. I've started reading 'The Abortionist's Daughter' and am somewhat interested in it. It hasn't quite grabbed me the way I had hoped it would, but I will stick with it. I don't want to give up too easily. Maybe I'm not the reader I once was. 

Today will be the last stage of the Tour de France which I have been following to some extend. Both the television and the radio have been doing live broadcasts and have built other talk shows around it. There's been a lot of coverage. It's been hard to ignore it. There will be an exciting finish today because the winner is not yet clear. 

There's been a lot of television and radio coverage about the mass killings in Norway. We get hourly updates on that and it is an awfully gruesome thing. The Norwegians have been shocked to the core as theirs is a relatively safe country. I think we would all be very shocked if it happened to us. It's a very sad thing indeed. My heart goes out to the parents of all those young people that were killed. 

Since it's Sunday today, it is the inevitable day of rest, but there will be some chores I have to do, the laundry being one of them. Before I do anything, I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's too early to start the day. 

It's stopped raining, but I will open the windows anyway to air out the place. With a little bit of luck it will rain again more soon so I can listen to the soothing sound of it. 

Have a good Sunday, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday morning...

Well, it may already be morning and the birds may already have greeted the day, but that does not mean that I'm awake yet. I'm in an upright position and I'm writing this, but that's about where my alertness ends. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and I hope to come to my senses soon. I'll try to make sense in the best possible way and write something coherent until the coffee kicks in. 

I went to bed after midnight because I stayed up and watched an episode of 'Wallander.' It intrigued me enough to want to stay up and finish watching it, although it was way past my bedtime. Besides, it was the Swedish one and I do love watching anything done in Swedish. It's the linguist in me that enjoys it so much. I always try to understand as much of it as I can. 

I watched this after I came home from the film I watched in the film house with my sister. That was only a partial success. It wasn't a very good film, but we had a nice outing. We had cappuccinos in the bar before and after the film and it was very cozy. The film house itself is a very nice place to be and fun to linger in. We got a schedule of the films coming up for the next couple of months and are going to pick out the other ones we want to go see together. There's lots of choice. 

We rode our bikes over there and the film house is downtown. I had not been there in forever, so it was about time that I made the trip, although nothing had changed, of course. Making the bike ride over there wasn't nearly as gruesome as I thought it was going to be and we were there in the shortest amount of time. I'm in good shape and can do it easily. It wasn't very warm out, but that was good weather for riding our bikes in. 

The coffee has kicked in and I am fully awake, much to my relief. I can think absolutely straight. I've got to think about what I'm going to do today besides watch the Tour de France. It will be on all afternoon and I do like to watch it for the scenery and to listen to the casual commentary. It's a nice way to spend the time. It's the tour of tours, after all.

Tonight the thriller 'Sebastian Bergman' will be on. It is another Swedish one. I will be able to practice the language more. At least it will be on at a decent enough time so I won't end up in bed too late. 

I do have to keep in mind that this is that last day of the weekend which is flying by quickly. I have to make the most of the day and spend it as pleasurable as I can. I do think that's what Sundays are for. Sundays are 'treat yourself well days.' 

Of course, I always treat myself well and there's not a day that goes by that I don't. I always try to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. For the most part I succeed, bar the things I don't have any control over. I count my blessings all the time and knock on wood regularly. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Upwardly middle aged blogging...

I'm so very thirsty, I could drink two liters of cold milk easily. Instead I'm having a cup of coffee which is waking me up, but is not doing much to quench my thirst. It is very good coffee, I've got that down to a science. As long as I make exactly six cups, I know precisely how much ground coffee to put in the filter. That's one formula I know. I should be able to make four cups and eight, but I haven't tried that yet. I always make six. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and had lost a kilo. I wasn't expecting that and was pleasantly surprised. After all, it is in the middle of the night and that's not when I weight the least. All the signs were pointing to it, though. My clothes are roomy and I move around very easily as if I am a skinny person. Maybe I should get used to that and think of myself as one, but I still have what is so kindly called, love handles. I think they are the bane of middle age. 

I have a flat belly and no bottom and no fat on my thighs. I guess you could say I'm blessed, because at least I don't have a pear shape like so many women do. So, I very consciously count my blessings. When it comes to my hip hugging jeans, they don't have too much hip to hug. I'm the perfect candidate for them. I would have been wearing them sooner had I known this earlier, but then again, timing is everything in life and this is probably when I'm meant to wear them.

I think I've had enough coffee because I'm sufficiently awake. I couldn't be more alert than I am now. I've been drinking it from my favorite mug: the one that has my name on it. It's just big enough so that I can finish the coffee before it gets cold. I wish all my mugs were this size. A lot of them are too big and I always end up drinking cold coffee or having to toss it out. Not a lot of thought goes into the design of coffee mugs. It must be thought that bigger is better, as it is with everything in this day and age. 

Except, of course, that women are supposed to be an unobtainable size zero, which is only achieved by being anorexic and having an overindulgent exercise program. I do say this after proudly proclaiming that I've lost another kilo. 

I was supposed to have watched 'Wallander' last night, but it was on late and I didn't have the energy to stay up to watch it. I went to bed a half hour before it came on. I was only half sorry that I missed it needing my sleep so much. There's nothing I look forward to more than going to bed at night, sleeping for the few hours that I do anyway. 

The dog and the cat get on the bed with me and we have a cuddling session before everybody settles down for the night. There's sure a lot of loving going around. The dog is especially nice to pet now that all of his thick curls have been trimmed. He's a smooth dog and my fingers don't get tangled in his fur. He smells better too. 

Today it's supposed to be 24C and tomorrow and the day after that it will be 32C. It will be a regular heatwave. After that the temperatures are going down and we will have rain again. I'm going to have to dress appropriately and this will be the perfect opportunity to wash both pairs of skinny jeans on a high temperature to shrink them a bit. They are a little bit roomy. I could have done with a smaller size, but I thought that was impossible and too hard to believe.

I will now go and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. I've got to take my medicines because it has become dawn. I'm not ready yet to go back to bed. Maybe I will sit in my armchair and read my novel. I've got a tall glass of cold milk to quench my thirst.

I hope you'll all have a very good Sunday. Don't exhaust yourselves doing too many things. It is a day of rest, after all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

My morning coffee...

For a change I slept through the night again and I'm much pleased. It always feels like such an accomplishment when I do. Going back to bed after I've let the dog out back in the middle of the night is quite an achievement, especially if I'm grumpy when I do and I really want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I was able to resist the urge and go back to sleep. 

It is raining as I write this and as you know, I don't mind that one bit. I'm very warm and cozy inside by the light of the desk lamp with my bathrobe on. I can think of worse things that could happen. Rain is not one of them. The dog is not nearly ready to go out and is sound asleep on the sofa. We can wait to go for a walk until this shower is over. Besides, we need the rain on our dusty and dry earth. I hope things get good and wet. 

I looked through the shelves in my closet yesterday and found many clothes that were to big. They were added to the already large stacks of other clothes that I had already taken out. I found some things that would fit and washed them and they are hanging on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I've really decimated my wardrobe. It's sad when you see what's left over. I shouldn't complain, though. There's enough left to put together lots of outfits for now and I only have to worry about what I'm going to do in the wintertime. I'll have to get some warmer clothes before that time. Not much, but something anyway. 

I'll no doubt lose more weight before that time, so no action is required on my part now. I want to lose 5 kilos, but at the moment I'm not losing any weight. I'll probably have to decrease one of my medications if I want to and that's going to happen some time in the near future according to my psychiatrist. As soon as I'm stable enough, we're going to give it a try. 

I've been stable for about two weeks now and that's not a very long time yet. I'm grateful for it, though. It's so much easier not to have those terrible ups and downs anymore. Those are the hardest things to deal with. It's the unpredictability of the moods that makes it so difficult. It's great when everything is on an even keel again and I'm pretty much stable throughout the day. 

I watched the Eurovision Song Festival last night and listened to many mediocre songs. The songs I really liked didn't get the votes I hoped for. A typical song festival song won. That was predictable, of course. It is said, though, that the song festival does more for European cohesion than politics ever could. That's something anyway. You wouldn't think so with all the Eastern European countries voting for their neighboring countries. 

Tonight is the football match for the national championship. It will be very exciting to watch. I'm for FC Twenthe, of course. I couldn't be for Ajax. I have to be for the Saxons with their familiar accent. It's in the genetics. I'll either watch it on television or listen to it on the radio with the danger that I'll fall asleep during it. I still have to make a decision about that. It depends on how late I want to stay up. 

The sun just came out and it's a good time to end this epistle. I'll have to take the dog out shortly. I still need to take a shower and wash my hair before I'm presentable.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Late night thoughts...

My sister had given me a package of organically grown coffee and I made a pot of it just now, but I have to say that I don't like the taste of it very much. I made it just as strong as I made the regular coffee, but it doesn't pack a punch. You can't look a gift horse in the mouth and I will finish it all up, although it is with a bit of resistance. Maybe I will get used to the taste of it after a few pots, but organically grown is not necessarily better.

It was coffee she no longer used because she has a complicated Krupp machine now that makes all sorts of coffee and grinds whole beans. Before that, I never thought I had a decent cup of coffee at her house, but I thought she was just not very good at making coffee. Now I understand why that was. She made the coffee too weak and it was organic. Another mystery solved. 

Her Italian friend tweaked the Krupp machine yesterday and fixed me a most excellent cappuccino in a tall glass that I really savored, so I know now to always have him make my cappuccinos. It must be because he's Italian that he knows how to fix them so well. The milk was foamed to perfection.

As we speak a mixture of Dutch and English and Italian when we are together, we are all starting to understand each other in these languages. We switch from one to another without realizing that we do, although I'm very limited in Italian. I did guess the correct word for pillow, which is 'il cushino.'  

We sat in the garden in the sunshine and as I sat with my back towards the sunlight, I've got a tan line there and on my shoulders. My dress was low cut in the back. The fence blocked the cool wind that was blowing and it was lovely. We moved our chairs as the shade of the house moved across the garden. 

On the fields by my apartment, the dandelions have all gone to seed, but the daisies are still blooming. There is also purple clover now and there are yellow buttercups all over. I've even see the first pink poppies. It is a joy to walk the dog and to discover the new wildflowers. There are some other very small ones in different colors, but they are so little, that they hardly show up. There are bees buzzing around now too, but luckily I have no fear of them. I've never been stung by one. 

All in all, it was a wonderful lazy day yesterday as Sundays should be. It was truly a day of rest and I didn't even get around to doing the dishes that I should have done. I was also going to change my bed, but I didn't get around to that either. Those will be jobs for today. That's what Mondays are for, after all. I do have a clean set of sheets and pillow cases. It's the pillow cases that I always run out of. I have to get more of those with four pillows on my bed.

I'm truly thankful for the mood I find myself in. It's neither high nor low, but nicely in between. I guess I'm doing something right. If only I could figure out what the magic ingredients are, I would keep adding them every day. I would subtract whatever did not fit into the picture. It's such a relief to be balanced. I'd wish for it every day. I suppose that would bring me the greatest happiness. 

I've had a glass of milk, but the taste of that coffee is still in the back of my mouth. It really isn't very good. I think that maybe I will just keep it for emergencies. There's no sense in drinking something against your will. That's not what life is all about. You always need to find the most enjoyable experience as long as you don't hurt anyone with it. I'm sure my sister won't mind if I don't like her coffee. I don't think she was too thrilled about it herself, but bought it out of a sense of responsibility. She had a wacky little coffeemaker when she moved to her new house until the Krupp machine arrived.

I've got to think about going to bed, although I'm not nearly ready to. I'm enjoying the peace of the nighttime too much. 

I hope you're all sleeping tightly or are about to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Fooling my brain....

I'm up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I've had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I'm in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That's how much I like cold milk. The fact that it's nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.

Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I'm planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It's such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 

I'm to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I'm making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don't quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it's the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 

I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It's pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I'll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That's when it tastes best. There's nothing worse than overheated coffee. I'm already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It's got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 

I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 

It's going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I'm more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I'm all that comfortable with. I'm not all that happy when it's too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don't mind when it's not all that hot. 

The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there's to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it's a big deal when they are canceled.

I'm not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It's for the best because I don't need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It's best when I don't have any around. To me it's just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It's an extra long weekend, that's nice. 

I will mess around with my blog templates next. I'm not quite happy with what I've got now and I have time to do something about them now. I'm full of caffeine, after all. 

I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

While I'm at it...

Seeing as though I'm up still and completely calmed down by the extra anti-psychotic tablet I took, I'll take advantage of the quiet, peaceful feeling and write another post. My state of mind has improved tremendously since I've taken the tablet and I feel ever so much better and able to express myself in a much more normal way. I felt sort of flighty before and somewhat angst ridden, but that feeling is gone and now I feel tranquil. 

I think I do have to take advantage of every good moment and not spend it sleeping. There's time enough for that, as it is early in the night still and tomorrow is Sunday and nobody will be waiting for me to get up on time. Well, there usually isn't, is there? Not even on weekdays, come to think of it. I do have the luxury of sleeping late very often and I do take advantage of it, but I feel less guilty about it on the weekends. On the weekends, I'm my own mistress and I don't have to keep up appearances. 

I don't know who I'm keeping up appearances for, but I suppose it's for the neighbors, as I feel the social control is very high. I do always feel as though my every move is being watched and that much gossiping is going on. That's why I always dress with care when I go out, while sometimes I really don't want to give a hoot. I'm already the odd woman out, being a Hollander and not speaking the local language. Being a woman on my own is an extra disadvantage. 

Well, that's neither here nor there, you do get used to that and inside you don't notice it. I think that's why I like rainy days and everybody is inside minding their own business. There's a lot of freedom in being the only one out on the street. Of course, I do mind when It's raining cats and dogs. Even I can't handle that and don't venture outside, but an ordinary rainy day with showers is just fine, although I know there's still a lot of peeking through curtains going on. 

Hey, I don't want to discuss this subject at all, but it has to do with the loss of privacy and I guess that's high on my mind. It subconsciously puts pressure on you and causes a constant level of stress. It's what happens when you live in an overcrowded country. I would like to live someplace where there is lots of personal space and not so much social control. I wouldn't have such tight muscles in my neck and shoulders so often. 

I've been playing with my templates and I don't know if I'm done yet. I may experiment some more. I have nothing better to do at the moment. I'm not quite ready to go to bed. 

Sleep tight, all you people.

Ciao,

Nora

It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Pleasantly scented...

I just spritzed on some of my new perfume in order to be pleasantly scented. I figured there's nothing wrong with smelling nice in the middle of the night while I'm sitting here all by myself. I do it just for my own pleasure and nobody else's. I don't think Tyke and Gandhi care one way or the other. They are sound asleep and oblivious of how I smell. I'm very much aware of it and it puts me in the proper mood to write. It's made me more alert. 

I should have pleasantly scented candles burning all over the apartment to make the place smell good or constantly walk around with a can of Brise and spray that around. I should make a point to do that regularly and air out the place a lot too. Now that the temperatures are getting milder there's no excuse not to do that. I do open the bedroom window every day, but I should open several windows and get a draft going. That would be mighty chilling. 

My short hair is really short and I'm still surprised every time I look in the mirror. I try to put on my most friendly face when I look at myself and be as feminine as I can be. I am wearing pretty earrings so I don't look too butch. It's better if I view myself in the full length mirror and get a completer picture than when I just see my head. I'm super critical of only my head, but I figure people don't just see it when they see me. They see all of me. 

I've got a good outfit right now that's flattering and that makes me look skinny. I'm already thinking of the subsequent outfits that I can wear that will be equally good. This one spans the crown and I'm being very careful with it and try not to spill anything on it so it will last a while. The clothes smell of my perfume and when I put them on in the morning it is very pleasant. I'm still wearing my clothes in layers, but soon that won't be necessary anymore. I'm managing to stay warm, though, and I only need to wear my black leather jacket when I go out. 

Besides getting skinnier, my feet have shrunk too and I'm now a size smaller than I used to be, so I have to take that into account when I order new shoes or boots. I'm wearing thicker socks with my boots, but I'm running out of them. I don't have enough and am going to have to buy some more. Hopefully they'll have them at the supermarket and the Exfactor can pick some up for me the next time he is there. It's amazing what they sell at the supermarket, but it is very convenient. 

Yesterday went by quickly for a Saturday. I didn't do anything important, but the hours flew by. I do mostly manage to amuse myself and don't get bored with my own company. There's always Tyke to have a good time with and to take for a  walk. It was raining for the latter half of the day and it was very cozy inside. I had the lights turned on and watched television and took a nap. I forgot to hang up the laundry to dry and will have to do that today. It was a day on which one would bake cookies if there were people to eat them. Or to bake a cake. I'm not foolish enough to do that, because I would have to eat it all by myself and there's no way I could handle that.

It's been a successful day if I've managed to achieve serenity and a sense of peacefulness with myself. I do run into obstacles and it's a challenge to resolve those. I apply whatever magic formulas are necessary. I really should delve into the study of mindful living more, which is the westernized version of Buddhism. So far I do my own made up version of it and customize it to my needs, but I'm sure there's a lot I could learn. It might be useful to read some literature on it, although you do have to be careful with that as I'm sure there's a lot of nonsense out there. Probably everybody is an expert. I could be an expert. 

I'm going back to bed for my precious early morning hours of sleep. It's too early to start the day. The sun's not even up yet. It's Sunday and the world will wake up slowly. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The Sunday blues...

I just got up for the second time and am having my second cup of coffee. Even though the sun is shining outside, I'm not enthused about the day, but I figure that everybody is allowed a day like that. I want to stay in my bathrobe and slippers and be lazy all day long and pretend that it has nothing to do with me. Actually, I would be doing what the day was created for, except that I wouldn't heed the call to prayer. I simply don't want to participate and I think I will be excused by whatever higher being lords it over me. 

I thought that it might be due to the fact that I had reduced my anti-depressants, but I decided that I was just in a slightly grumpy mood and not to blame it on that. I think it is quite normal to be in a grumpy mood every now and then for no particular reason other than that it is Sunday. It isn't my favorite day of the week anyway, no matter how hard I try to ignore this fact. Reducing my medicines has nothing to do with it. I simply want to be good and kind to myself and make the best of a not so exciting day. 

One thing I should not be and that is scared of moods, because they are the most normal thing  in the world. I can't always be even tempered, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm so very often in a positive mood that a grumpy mood takes me by surprise and I immediately get suspicious. I try to find a reason other than the most obvious one, in other words, that it's part of the human condition. It is possible to be fed up with the most ordinary things and to need a little time out, which is what I'm going to take today. 

Having written all of this down already makes me feel a lot better. I have probably analyzed it the long way around, but I have gotten to my point in the end. Anyway, there is to be no 'ought' or 'should' today. There are only wants and needs. 

Ciao,

Nora

Always in the morning...

I made the mistake of looking at the alarm clock this morning, not realizing that it had stopped because the battery had died. According to it, it wasn't even early in the morning yet. I felt quite frustrated, because I was all done sleeping, but soon after that, I looked at my watch and saw that it was much later. I do have bad luck with batteries for the alarm clock and I hope this one is rechargeable. I'll have to invest in a package of rechargeable batteries. That shouldn't cost an arm and a leg and I do need them for other things as well. I'll put them on the shopping list for next Tuesday along with a bottle of vinegar to clean the coffeemaker. 

The coffeemaker is making a lot of protesting noises when it spits out the last bit of water into the filter and I know it is because of the hard water and the fact that I haven't cleaned it for a while. It's so easy to forget. I do have to take care of it, because it's a good coffeemaker, although I would prefer a Senseo machine, but I can't really afford one of those right now. I want to get a real one and not one of those cheap imitations that you see for sale sometimes. I have no faith in them at all. I think they'll break down in the shortest amount of time. 

Yesterday was a nice day, although it rained nearly all day. I didn't let that bother me and took Tyke for a long walk in the drizzle. I decided we needed some fresh air and some exercise. We both enjoyed it very much, apart from the fact that we got wet. That's not the worst thing that can happen, though. I pretended that I didn't have a sore knee and walked like it didn't bother me. I doesn't seem to have hurt me at all. It's going to be sore anyway, regardless of what I do. At this point, I think it's the cut that hurts me most. 

There was speed skating on television in the afternoon and that did provide some diversion. The Dutch men did well and I can only be proud of them. I do enjoy watching speed skating, as it's almost hypnotic to look at, especially if they skate a longer distance. It's a very relaxing sport to watch, while being exciting enough too. The commentary is always very good and professional and as unbiased as it can get. There's real admiration for the skaters from other countries, not just our own. 

I didn't get a lot of chores done, but then that didn't seem so important. There was not that much to do anyway. I played with Tyke a lot and gave him some of my undivided attention, which he appreciated very much. Gandhi participated as much as possible, unless it got too rough. She stuck as close to us as she could and retrieved Tyke's rubber toy when it got stuck under the chair. That was good, because I didn't have to kneel down and get it. That's kind of hard on my knee.

The Exfactor came by and I gave him some of my strong coffee and that quite perked him up. I saw him come to live. I think he'd only had tea, which proves my point that it's another beverage altogether. 

I went to bed early, despite my intention to stay up. By eight o'clock I was yawning something awful and longing to go to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there was no stopping it. I listened to the radio for a while, but there were football games on and that doesn't interest me all that much. It seems that football season is never over. If so, I must miss the break. I was thinking about putting on a CD when I fell asleep. 

This morning I will go back to bed for a while, because it's Sunday morning and there's no need to rush the day. There will be enough hours to be up to do things in. It's going to be cloudy and chilly today and there may be a shower now and then. It's not very exciting weather. Mostly very dreary. It's really the kind of weather that makes you want to have a hibernating Sunday, but I suppose I will go for another long walk with Tyke. We'll take the same route we did yesterday, because it was such a great success. It was just long enough to not be too exhausting. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

Unbelievably so...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and if it were summertime, the sun would be coming up now. That's how I excuse my early presence here. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I've just answered my emails and let Tyke out back. It was a little bit cold out there and I stood by the back door in my tank top and pajama bottoms. It was very refreshing, but now I've put on my bathrobe. I'm not that hardy. I did have goosebumps.

Since it's Sunday today, it is officially a day of rest, although you may say that I've had one of those yesterday too. I know I did, but it wasn't official, I was sort of cheating then. Yesterday was a wasted day and I bow my head in shame when I think back on it. It was a day that I have nothing to show for and that is not something I'm proud of. The day slipped through my fingers like loose sand at the beach. I somehow, despite all the rest I'm supposed to get, hope to make up for it today and make it a worthwhile day. How I propose to do this is a mystery to me yet, but hopefully I'll think of something. 

Actually, what I forgot to do yesterday was plain enjoy myself. I was rather uptight all day long and didn't really relax. I didn't even take the time to just sit in my armchair to enjoy the solitude. The times that I could have, I turned on the television and watched programs that I wasn't really interested in. I think I felt uptight because I had cut down on my anti-depressives, and despite my resolve not to let that bother me, I think it did subconsciously influence me, as if I was expecting something to go wrong. I was just a bit on edge. 

Nothing really went wrong and at the end of the day I felt fine. When I went to bed I was perfectly normal and in a good enough state of mind. I really think that I had worried for nothing, even though it was only on a subconscious level and with hindsight. I misjudge the power of the pills, although at the same time I don't underestimate them. I do know they play an important part in the workings of my psyche, but I know that it's not so bad that I can't reduce them safely up to a point. I suppose I should say that I underestimate the strength of my own psyche and the fact that I am capable of dealing with my feelings. 

You do learn something new every day and you're never too old to learn, or maybe they are the same lessons you learn over and over again, just in a slightly different form so you don't forget them. There does seem to be a lot of repeat, but that maybe due to my foolhardiness. It's very well possible that all people are foolhardy and that we're all learning the same lessons over and over again. Maybe they don't really stick until we get older and they are engraved well enough into our brains. 

It's been a pleasure to sit here and write this, but I do think that I have to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not nearly time to start the day. I am starting to yawn and that is a sure sign that I'm not done sleeping yet. It will be nice to get back into bed for a few more hours. 

Have a good day, all of you. Or a good night if you're about to. 

Ciao,

Nora

A cow jumped over the moon...

I just had to mightily entertain Tyke for a while. He decided that he was bored and that he needed lots of attention. I must have petted him for half an hour, at least, that's what my arm feels like. I think he's been sufficiently entertained now, but you never know. He's like a little kid on any Sunday afternoon. There's nobody to play with and there's nothing on television. It's too bad that I can't read him stories. 

I made myself a pot of coffee and sat in my armchair for a long time doing absolutely nothing but letting my mind wander. That's a good thing to do on a Sunday. It's a good day for contemplation. You just have to make sure that you don't get carried away with it, so you mustn't think too deeply. They have to be light and entertaining thoughts as much as possible. You mustn't start thinking that you have problems, because they are nearly nonexistent in the grander scheme of things. 

It's a good idea to look around you and to see how other people live their lives and how they deal with the problems that come their way. You find out that you don't do too badly. As a matter of fact, you may be surprised at how well you do. It's a good time to throw overboard your own mythology and to start believing in yourself. It's good to know that you aren't one extreme or the other, but something in the middle where it is comfortable to be.

The afternoon is coming to an end and so is the weekend. It's been a nice time off with not much to show for it, but then that wasn't my intention. Every day that is successful is one I strike up for posterity. To have as many successful days as possible at the end will be my legacy. I don't aim to leave behind much more than that. Happiness is my goal, the form of which I'll recognize if I'm open minded enough. 

Tyke's sound asleep by my feet. I hardly know where to put them. I'm sitting here with twisted legs so as to not step on him. He likes to get as close as possible. Gandhi is asleep on the red fleece blanket on the sofa. That's been her spot all weekend. I'm going to fix dinner, I'm hungry. Some rice will do nicely. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Getting started...

Because it's Sunday, I had a convoluted day. I spent a lot of the night awake and slept all of the morning. I didn't get up until 1 pm and took my time getting my act together. I was very much discombobulated and needed two tranquilizers to settle down. Then I took the dog for a walk in the icy cold. Although the sun was shining, there was frost on everything, but the cold air felt good on my face and I was dressed warm enough. 

The dog doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold at all, but then he does have on his own winter coat. That's why I don't want to get him trimmed right now, but I am going to have to consider it next month when it is going to get too long and some of it is going to have to get cut off. Maybe he can get partially trimmed and not as severely as he was  the last time. I think he's going to be too cold if it is. 

I need to get back to a normal schedule tonight, because tomorrow regular life starts again. It's okay to be careless for a little while, but I can't keep doing it. I do have to have structure and having a normal night's sleep is one of the things that comes with it. I don't actually enjoy being off my normal schedule like I used to. I do appreciate sleeping through the night. I have a better day if I do. Getting up in the middle of the night is not the thrill it used to be, but then again, I may have made that claim before. 

The sun is going down and it is getting cold in here. I've just turned up the thermostat. I'm shivering in my thinner cardigan. I decided to wear it, because the other one was to warm, I thought. I think I'll make myself a cup of hot chocolate to heat up my insides. It would be nice if I had marshmallows to put in it, but that's wishful thinking.  I'd probably finish the bag of marshmallows before I'd finish the package of chocolate mix. It would still be nice, though. 

I'm just now beginning to feel normal. All this time I've felt that I've been in a bad dream that I could not wake up from. I must have finally got back to my senses. It sure took long enough. I feel like I've walked out of a confusing place into a place where everything makes sense. I can think straight again. It happened as quickly as opening a door and walking through it, but it really makes me think of the saying that when God closes a door somewhere, he opens a window some place else. That's what it feels like. 

I've made my cup of hot chocolate and very delicious it is too. Very filling also. I can't drink it too quickly, otherwise I'll start burping, but since I'm here on my own, it doesn't matter too much. The animals don't mind. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

We all fall down...

It's early on a Sunday morning and I'm having my second cup of very delicious coffee. For some reason it turned out really well today, so I must have had the magic touch when I put the ground coffee into the filter. Maybe slightly carelessly scooping is the best way to do it, instead of carefully measuring each spoonful. I was in a hurry when I made the coffee, because I was impatient for a cup and I couldn't make it quick enough. 

Luckily, the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my nice hot cup of coffee in no time at all. It just seems to take a while when you're waiting, but that's when you have to find a way to amuse yourself instead. I did that by answering emails. That's usually the first thing I do in the morning, though I'm barely capable of it at first because of the cobwebs. I do manage to fake it until I make it, I think, because I go about it very slowly, unless the answers are very simple. 

I went to bed very early last night. I realized that I was grumpy because I was tired and in need of sleep. I had no patience left for anything or anybody. I made myself a glass of black berry milk and took that to bed with me and listened to the radio. I made sure that Tyke and I had some quality bonding time, which he was in need of, and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep. Gandhi was sleeping beside my pillows.

I suppose that yesterday was a perfectly uneventful day. I paid bills and got my paperwork in order and found out how poor I was. That's always good to know for the rest of the pay period. Then you know how much you have left to spend on groceries. God forbid that you should eat too much. 

I had planned to take a nap in the afternoon, but I never did get around to that. I suppose I wasn't sleepy enough and wanted to save whatever there was for the nighttime. I walked Tyke when he needed to get walked and sat behind the computer. I did some chores, but there weren't that many to do that were urgent and I will finish today what I didn't do yesterday. I have to put clean sheets on my bed and I do want to do that today to make going to bed tonight as pleasant as possible. 

Since today is Sunday, it's going to be another quiet day. There will be speed skating and other sports on television and I will watch them most likely. I also have to make sure I watch the news this morning. There were manifestations all over the country yesterday against the cultural budget cuts that the new government is planning against the will of many. I think the attempts to call a halt to it, though, are useless, because this government is ruthless.

It's going to be a cold day today. I just let Tyke out back and there was a cold wind blowing from the east. I was shivering in my bathrobe. Even Tyke thought it was cold and came back in in a hurry. It's only going to be 44F, but because of the wind, it's going to feel colder. It will be no fun to take Tyke out for walks today. I'm not looking forward to that. I do so dislike being in the cold wind. I will have to wear my North Pole coat. My leather jacket is not going to be warm enough. 

I've had enough coffee for this morning and have switched to milk with blackberry syrup. It's very delicious and filling too. It takes care of my sweet tooth at the same time. It does give me that little sugar high and it makes the milk more interesting to drink. It makes it last twice as long, because I don't gobble it down all at once. I take delicate sips, if you can imagine that. It's an excellent discovery and for that kind of milk you pay a relative fortune in the supermarket. 

I've got to take my medicines. It's that time of the morning again. I've had to play ball with Tyke while I wrote this. That involves a lot of wrestling to get it away from him. 

Have a good Sunday!

Ciao,

Nora