Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

With time and patience...

After the unfortunate reaction on my part after meeting my first ex-husband, I had a real good discussion about it with my personal helper on Monday morning and that seemed to have helped me a great deal. She pointed out the fact that I was a human being with very human feelings and that it was not so strange that I reacted to him the way I did. I have subsequently had a good blogging friend point out the same thing to me, and even illustrate it with a story of her own, so I feel much better now. 

I haven't had to take anymore extra medication and to me that is a good sign. It means I am more steady on my feet and more solidly held together. I'm not falling apart anymore, although I look back in horror at the time when I did and at anything that reminds me of it. Even the clothes that I wore. They all need to be washed before I will wear them again. I don't even want to wear the boots I was wearing. They will need to be banned for a while. 

I feel like doing something radical such as rearranging the bookcase, but I've managed to keep myself from doing that huge chore yet. I don't want to bite off more than I can chew and really need to set apart a time for that. For now I just want to be content that I feel more normal again and that I seem to be back in control of myself. The fact that this is so, fills me with joy and I feel as if I've escaped some sort of sentence. 

Of course, anything I say during the night mustn't be held against me and I don't want to be held accountable for it. During the night I am an eternal optimist and always see the glass more than half full. It's how I feel during the day that will really count, although it is strange that those feelings should be more legitimate. I'm alive during the night too, after all, and I sleep half the day.

I'm sitting here drinking cold milk now and getting a bit chilled from it, but it is ever so good for my thirst. I will go back to bed shortly because I'm tired enough to sleep some more. I'm sure I have no interesting things left to do here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Read all about it...

Well, the first day of the week lies behind me and a good one it was too. I have a very satisfied feeling and can look forward to the evening with a peaceful mind. I feel like I accomplished something and was useful and engaged and it's done wonders for my self esteem.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and made coffee and sat behind the computer until the early morning. Of course, then I got tired and after I took my medicines, I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and went to sleep. I didn't wake up until 11 am when my personal helper rang the intercom. I was so discombobulated. I had to get into action right away, when what I needed was a cup of coffee and a cigarette. 

I tried to speak coherently and pass for a functioning human being, but I didn't become one until after I had taken a shower and got dressed with a lot of difficulty and made a pot of coffee and had a cup. Then I felt like a human being who could participate in a grown up conversation. It was a great relief when I felt my mind start working normally. After that I started making sense. 

We dressed for the cold and took Tyke for a walk. It was very invigorating outside and the cold felt great because we were dressed warm enough. Tyke was a bundle of joy. He piddled on every twig and sniffed everywhere he had not been for a while. He pulled me along the sidewalk at high speed and then would stop in his tracks to investigate something minutely. It was stop and go and nothing in between. He was a happy puppy beside himself who forgets the world around him.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would not feel bad about how I spend the weekends and just make the best of them and not sit and mope about them, but survive them as well as I could without guilt feelings. If I feel myself perk up on Sunday afternoon, then that's all the better and I can take advantage of that and do whatever I have not gotten around to the rest of the weekend. I'm not to moan and complain about the weekends anymore as long as I find a way to survive them. And I do. In my own convoluted way.

Just as she left, my domestic help showed up and we started off with a cigarette and a talk. Then I had to clean up all the Trivial Pursuit cards that Tyke had pulled out of the box that was sitting on the bookcase in my bedroom. There were hundreds of those cards and they were spread all over the place. He had gotten to them by climbing on the rattan chair. The smartest thing to do, of course, was to move the chair. For some reason, this very obvious thing had not dawned on me before. Now he can't get to the higher shelves of the bookcase anymore.

Then I did the dishes, which I should have done on Sunday, but never got around to, and I cleaned every one of them down to the last teaspoon. Even Tyke has clean bowls. I don't like doing the dishes that much. I find it a frustrating job because the water slowly drains from the sink. It is because of a faulty plug and I have to keep refilling the sink and it's hard to get the water temperature right. I need a different faucet and a different plug. Or a dish pan to do the dishes in.

I turned down the thermostat and opened all the windows to air out the apartment, which is necessary when you smoke. It didn't help much because it didn't get colder than 20.5C in here. The kitchen window was stuck and I couldn't get it open. It would have made a difference. There was no wind, so no draft to speak of, and the little windows at the top of the living room windows don't let in much air. That's really noticeable in the summertime when you want the heat to escape.

I also had not gotten around to hanging up the laundry and got that done. I filled the rack  and am slowly getting the next load ready. I will look in my closet and find clothes to wash. Whatever smells like smoke will go in the laundry. 

The domestic help stayed for awhile after she was done with her work. We talk and bond and get to know each other. She does always try to please me and makes the extra effort and the better we get to know each other, the harder she tries. But I also try to make it as easy on her as possible and try to do things  before she gets here. 

After she left, I moved the very big scratching pole out of the spare bedroom into the living room and put it in the corner where Tyke has his toys. He investigated it for a while and then began to bark at it and coming to me looking very indignant. He didn't want that thing there. I told him it was for Gandhi, but he went over to her and shoved her off the sofa. She was very clearly not interested in the scratching pole and didn't even look at it. Tyke barked at it some more, so I picked it up and put it back in the spare bedroom and then peace returned. That was one failed experiment. It looked very ugly there anyway. 

Tyke and I went for another walk and now we're waiting for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. I never know at what time he'll be here, but I have to be home after 6 pm. 

Well, the story has gotten long enough. I'm quitting now. All that enthusiasm...

Ciao,

Nora

The frozen world...

I'm having a jolly good time here by myself early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. It's too early for the day to start and do anything seriously active and I can enjoy these quiet hours for a while to come yet. The whole world is silent and as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person awake on the block. There is no sign of life anywhere yet. 

As a result I feel in a very good mood, because I like feeling that I have the world all to myself. It is like being Robinson Crusoe and finding yourself alone on an island with no one else to worry about but yourself. Maybe I have a secret longing for that. No, I would get awfully lonely after awhile. I do need some human contact. Having animals alone for company is not enough. You can only have a one sided conversation with them. 

Tyke would like to believe differently and think we are having a dialogue, but I very often don't quite understand what he wants and have to guess as to his needs that he demands of me. I have to guess until I get it right. It would be easier if he could be clearer from the start. He wags his tail and gets excited if I guess it right. Otherwise he just looks quite dumbfounded at me.

I suppose I am also in a good mood because the weekend is over, although I spent it quite nicely and didn't go crazy. I nursed my little illness and stayed inside because the weather was so bad. It was nice pretending I was very sick because it meant that I was super kind to myself and only did things that I felt like doing. Which in the end was very little like it is most weekends, except that now I didn't feel guilty about it. I guess I can only have a guilt free time off if I think I'm sick. I'll have to be sick more often.

Today I pick up the regular routine. The personal helper is coming and so is the domestic help, but I already started to get back into the swing of things yesterday evening by putting out the trash and getting the mail from the last few days out of the mailbox. And, of course, cleaning up the god awful mess that Tyke had made in the bedroom when he tore apart the old books, the remains of which are now disposed of.  I have to finish clearing the bookcase of all tempting objects today. At least to a height that Tyke can get to. He is a badly behaved dog sometimes.

It will be good to get back into a regular routine, but I don't look back onto this weekend as a wasted one. It was quite cozy and after a false start Friday night, I did re-establish my regular schedule. Up to a point anyway and I did get enough sleep, which always seems to be so very important, but I suppose it is to anyone. I wish for longer nights, but I'm bound to have short ones. It seems getting up is more important than staying in bed to me. It is the call of the silent hours. 

I have to think of a fun outfit to wear today. I'll have to pull open my closet and have a serious look at everything. I'll have to wear layers, because it's a bit cold outside, but here in the apartment it's nice and warm. I don't have to worry about being cold inside. Going into my closet is always a journey of discovery, because I always forget about the clothes I own. Every time I find something that I'd forgotten about and it will be the same thing today. That's the plus side of being absentminded. 

The trash people will be by soon, unless they get held up by the slippery roads. All the slush that was in the streets yesterday got frozen during the night. The paper delivery person will be here any minute. It will officially be the start of the morning. I will have some time to dawdle yet. I don't need to rush. I will take my medicines and wait for them to work. I've had several glasses of cold milk and will make a new pot of coffee and read blogs. The day is young yet. 

Have a great Monday!

Ciao,

Nora

Up early in the morning...

I'm having my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and have just written a post for my other blog The Unquiet Mind. Please go have a look, it is an update on my psychiatric situation. Much too serious a subject to discuss here, where I want to keep it somewhat lighthearted, although it may not always seem that way. I must admit that I do on occasion get serious here too, but I don't always set out to be, whereas on the other blog, I always do. I hasten to add, though, that you will not fall over with boredom if you read it. Besides, I need the traffic there, because it seems to be my orphaned blog and not a lot of people have made the link yet.

I didn't get a lot of sleep. I was up late working on the LibraryThing website, adding the proper covers to the books on my lists of books and it was a lot of fun. It became somewhat addictive and each time I said to myself that I would do one more page and stop, only to do another page after that. At one point I just had to stop because I was too tired, but I stopped reluctantly and I will finish the job today if I get the chance. I don't nearly have all the books I have ever read listed there, but at least the ones for the past 6 years or so and maybe more. I did go through a period when I read ferociously and read a huge amount of books in a couple of years time. Some of these books I don't remember now at all and I will have to reread them and a bunch of them are on my wish list at bol.com. Which reminds me that I still have to reorganize the bookcase.

I didn't sleep late, but got up in a half stupor, very sleepy and barely able to make coffee, but in a good mood, feeling very sleep wobbly and cozy. I sat and had my first cup behind the computer and managed to write an email that was very simple and I felt oh, so good in my warm bathrobe. Soon enough I had a second cup and the caffeine started to work and woke me up properly. 

There is a difference between Fair Trade coffee and the regular coffee I get. The Fair Trade coffee seems to be lower in caffeine and doesn't wake me up nearly as well. I don't know how that would be done, if that is possible, but it seems to be so. Maybe the beans are roasted differently and the Fair Trade coffee is not as intense. 

I have no appointments and the only exciting thing about today is that it is payday. That means I get to pay bills. That's always the saddest thing about having money in my bank account. Watching chunks of it disappear. I do have a free day and must take advantage of it and hope that the weather is halfway decent so I can take the dog for a few long walks, because it seems to do him good and it doesn't hurt me either. It did rain on and off yesterday and during the night and everything is awfully wet and dripping. It's not going to be very warm either and more rain is expected, so we may not be able to make great expeditions. We'll have to see how much the sky clears up. 

I must go back to bed now, as I'm falling asleep in my desk chair. I need to sleep for at least another 5 hours. At least I have the time to do it. I have nowhere to go. Had I been smarter. I would have gone back to bed in the middle of the night when I was still so sleepy, but I had to be stubborn and get up. I do get a kick out of the most unusual things. Being half stoned with sleep and sitting behind the computer, for example. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

Man the ramparts!

I am drinking several cups of coffee. I decided on this action when I gently started nodding off behind the computer and I felt I had no desire yet to go back to bed. I was there earlier, but woke up because I had to go to the toilet and let Tyke out back and that was enough reason for me to want to stay up. I can't withstand the excitement of walking into the living room and turning on the computer and hoping there are some emails in my inbox.

Usually, I am not disappointed and I wasn't tonight, though the pickings were slim. There were only four emails and most of those were comments on my blog posts, though I am happy with them, of course. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth and comments are very welcome gifts. As a matter of fact, I prefer them to regular emails, which have a tendency to be about things people want from me or appointments that are canceled. They are seldom emails I really want to get. I always brace myself before I read them, except for the ones from my older sister. They are very chatty and she sends at least two a day. They are so uncomplicated.

Anyway, so here I am up in the middle of the night again, unwilling to go back to bed, though I will when it gets to be morning, and it's not as if I have a moonlit, starry sky to entice me because I can't see a thing of the night sky. I didn't even know there was a full moon the other night until someone pointed it out to me and I thought that declared my odd behavior. I am such a lunatic.

Come on, I am being a slow poke and the night is rushing toward dawn. I always have to sit and contemplate my navel. It would be better if I just sat and wrote, I would get a post written much quicker. Now I endlessly sit and reread the words I've written and it does me no good at all. I can't be having writer's block. I do know what I want to write about. The subject is very simple. It is all about me and what I think and what I've done. It can't get much easier than that. I'm not writing the great American novel. I think that was Main Street, wasn't it? Or is it Lake Wobegone Days? The jury is out on that one. Tell me what you think is the great American novel.

Speaking of novels, I do need to go back to reading mine, but instead of reading the one I had started, I think maybe I need to start a new one. It's very possible that I'm not in the proper mood for the book I was reading before I was so rudely interrupted by my crazy mood. I may need to put that one on the bookcase for a while and get out something else that intrigues me more. I have enough books to choose from and I must look carefully and see what I think may be attractive now. If you have any suggestions on novels I should read, then please let me know. Maybe I already have them, if not, I'll add them to my wish list over at bol.com. My ever growing wish list. Some day, when I hit the jackpot, I'm going to order them all. And buy a new bookcase. I'll have to move, though, because I won't have a place to put it.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora