Untying the knots...

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish spitting out the last drops of coffee so I can have a cup. I'm in need of some caffeine. I seem to be quite often lately and I don't know why I've developed this sudden urge to drink lots of cups of coffee. I just feel that it's the only way to keep my head straightened out. It's such a mess up there. It feels like there's a traffic jam taking place with several accidents and casualties. 

The dog is sitting beside me and is looking at me very urgently but he has been walked and he has kibbles in his bowl and a rawhide bone to chew on. The truth is that he's a little bit spoiled and probably wants something entirely different like an apple or a banana which I'm not going to give him. I'm just going to have to ignore him and maybe then he'll get the message. Not that I find this easy to do. 

I took a paracetamol earlier for my headache and the pain in my shoulders and neck which are all caused by stress. It's stopped working now and I really should have taken a anti-inflammatory pill which I have two left of. They work better and last longer. I suppose I should call the doctor's office and get a refill. I will take one of them now because it makes no sense to sit here and be in pain. 

The coffee tastes very good and I imagine that I'm starting to feel better but that could all be in my imagination. I have not taken a nap this afternoon because I slept through the night until a very decent time in the morning. That's almost unheard of. I did get up to go to the bathroom at some ungodly hour but I went straight back to bed and was instantly asleep again. That hasn't happened in a very long time.

The sky has been overcast almost all day but it's been very warm and it got up to 26 degrees Celsius. Now the sun is shining into the living room windows and making it warm in here too. It's very pleasant to sit here and be warm for a change. This is the hottest it has been all year so far. Tomorrow it will be a lot cooler again and it will rain. We don't have a very nce weekend ahead of us. 

The coffee has made me feel better and now I can think straight again. It's either that or because of the fact that I took my medicines a while ago. Sometimes it is hard to figure out why something changes and what is the magic ingredient. I can only do my best and try everything. The main thing is to try and stay as calm as possible under all circumstances. The one thing I must not do is to get rattled. 

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Irene

After midnight...

I had every intention of going to sleep at a reasonable time and went to bed after I watched the highlights of the football games that had been played this weekend. I have clean sheets on the bed, so I was looking forward to getting under the duvet. I was under it for about an hour in the pleasant company of the animals but I couldn't get to sleep, so I got up again and I have been sitting here ever since amusing myself with various activities behind the computer. 

I'm slightly loopy from my sleep medication but it's not too bad because I had some coffee to sober me up a bit. I will go back to bed again shortly because I think I'm slowly getting into the proper mood for it. I do want to sleep for a long enough time so I will wake up bright and chipper in the morning for the busy day that I have ahead of me. 

I've got my outfit picked out for tomorrow, so getting dressed will be no problem. All I have to do is reach into the closet and pull it out and I will be dressed in no time at all. My hair is in good shape, so running my fingers through it will be all that's required. That's the advantage of having had it newly cut. That's why it's so important that I don't let it get past that crucial state of becoming unmanageable. I have to go to the hairdresser before it starts to bother me. As if going to the hairdresser is such a horrible thing to do.

I'm almost out of perfumes and will have to invest in some new ones, unless I find myself a sugar daddy who will supply me with some. I don't think I'm the kind of woman who would settle for that sort of an arrangement, so that choice is out. I do have a very lovely scented deodorant that I also use as a body spray. I apply it generously and the whole bathroom smells like it afterwards. I use them up quite quickly but I do smell nice. 

A bottle of perfume doesn't last long. At least not the way I apply it. I find I get used to the scent and have to apply more of it in order to appreciate it and I see the amount dwindling quickly in the bottle. I try to get everything out of it that I can before I toss it out. 

Of course my sense of smell is impaired because I smoke, so I need a lot of whatever I use to be able to detect it. It is a bit of a problem. I can never be sure if I'm wearing enough or too much for other people's tastes.

I suppose I will go find my bed now and finally get the sleep I need.  I have to be sensible sometimes. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

The weekend...

Having established that I'm slightly depressed, I don't feel that I have to keep up appearances and put on a cheerful face. The timing of it is actually good because I can spend this weekend nurturing it and taking care of myself in the best possible way. That means not taking on anything that requires a lot of effort or that can cause any stress. It's my intention to indulge myself and only do things that make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Although I said before that I was maybe not in need of a lot of sleep, it's something that I do want to do my share of and I think it may be one of the ways to spend my time pleasantly. I'll have to see how that develops. It's possible that the naps I imagine I'm going to take are actually not going to happen at all. Then I'll have to find other ways to pass the time as pleasantly as possible. It's pretty much up to me, whatever I think works. 

It's fairly early in the morning and I'm planning on going back to bed shortly. It is Saturday after all and I have no obligations other than taking care of the animals. I like the unstructured way I'll be able to spend the day. I don't know why I only have that feeling on the weekends because nothing prevents me from having it during the week. I suppose it being the weekend makes it more official and allowable. It's as if it is sanctioned by law. 

It was raining earlier and that made it very cozy to be inside. For a minute there was a bit of a deluge but it soon eased up again. It's supposed to rain off and on for the rest of the day so it's perfect to stay home. There's not going to be any better weather ahead until the end of next week. That's a long time to deal with rain and low temperartures.

I must not fall into the trap of thinking I have to fullfill some special duty today. Already I'm trying to justify my existence. All I have to do is just be and get through the day in one piece.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

The next day...

It just turned into the next day and I can forget about yesterday which was a boring day as Thursdays usually are. They are because I normally don't have anything planned on Thursday. That is silly of me and unforgiveable and there is no real reason for it. Why should Thursday be an empty day, for god's sake? There is the weekend ahead of me with enough spare time to do as I wish and I don't need an empty day during the week.

I was trying to change this by signing up for a creative therapy class for psychiatric patients. I had an appointment there earlier in the week. I checked it out but it was a dismall place and not something I want to go to once a week. It looked like the place you go to when there's nowhere else left to go. Because of budget cuts, the best part time therapy facilities have become beyond my reach. We have this government a lot to thank for. 

Not to get stuck on a downward note, let's talk about something completely different. And what would that be? I don't know yet but I'll come up with something. 

I'm sitting here in my red bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee from the most excellent coffeemaker. I'm more than wide awake enough and really should switch to a glass of cold milk now because I'm very thirsty. The cold milk will give me an alternative mood that will be completely different from the one that is caused by the coffee. That's the way it is. Different beverages cause different realities. I need the caffeine to make me alert and I need the cold milk to make me mellow.

It's amazing what a beverage can do, isn't it?

I'm relieved that today is Friday. It means that I've nearly completed another week and that I'm ready for the weekend. I would like to spend it sleeping, although I think that's not going to be possible. I don't think I have that much sleep in me now, not like I did earlier in the week. 

The Exfactor and the domestic help will be here today so I will have some company of the agreeable kind. Well, I usually do anyway. There's no disagreeable company here ever. 

I'm getting awfully sleepy and am going to have to go back to bed. The cold milk has made me very mellow and there are some hours left to sleep before it's morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Madly relaxing...

I had to make myself some coffee instead of taking a nap because I didn't want to go to sleep at this time of the afternoon. I want to save my tiredness for tonight when I want to do as much sleeping as possible in my new bedroom. I still have to get a little used to sleeping there, although this morning I woke up quite assured and didn't feel at all uncomfortable. All my familiar things were around me and the animals were there also. 

Just now I was yawning something awful and I had run completely out of steam, but the coffee is giving me my second wind. I knew it would help me if I just got the energy together to make a pot. I had to motivate myself to go into the kitchen to do it. That's how bad a shape I was in. Luckily, there was enough coffee left in the jar and I didn't have to open a new package because that would have been too much work. 

I got brave and put together the bed for the guest room. It was quite a job and it was more work than I had anticipated. It is a metal bed and looks like an old fashioned iron one. It was quite heavy to handle on my own. The dog helped me and I think he took off with some nuts and bolts. The second page of the instructions was missing so I had to figure out the final part myself. Using logic I think I managed quite well. It seems to be pretty solid. 

I thought about putting together the dresser as well, but I had really run out of steam and enthusiasm. The flatpacks that it came in were quite heavy and hard to move around. I felt discouraged and decided not to do it and maybe save it for tomorrow. Another problem is that I've now got all this packing material and I don't immediately know what to do with it. 

I felt my headache come back and didn't want to push my luck. The anti-inflammatory medicine for it works well, but I don't think I'm supposed to do these sort of actions. I'm a stubborn woman and get myself into trouble. Luckily, I was smart enough to stop on time and to not push myself to the edge. I did have to switch gears and tell myself to take it easy for the rest of the day. There's nothing like giving yourself wise advise when there's nobody else around to do it. 

The dog was very loveable when I sat down and took a breather. He kept putting his paw on my hand so I would pet him and he couldn't get close enough to me. He moaned and sighed in ecstacy. I suppose we needed to bond again after I had been so busy and pre-occupied. He is a sweet animal and oh so attached to me. 

The cat likes the new bedroom and spends all her time sleeping on the pillows of my bed. It's like to her there's never been a better place to lie down. It is nice that the door to the patio is right there. She can exit in the shortest amount of time. She slept on top of my head during the night. 

I've got vanilla ice cream and after eating enough to fill me, I was really done with it and haven't had anymore. This is really surprising because I thought I would finish it in a hurry. It wasn't as good as I remembered it. It wasn't the satisfying experience that I hoped it would be. Maybe it would be a lot more fun to have a big sundae in the ice cream parlor. I think I will save my ice cream moments for that. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

And all the king's horses...

I'm sitting here feeling in a pretty good mood, although I have no special reason to, but I suppose you don't always have to. I guess you can have a pretty good mood just for the hell of it. Maybe all the right ingredients are in place to make me feel this way and I'm not even realizing it consciously. If so, I'm grateful for it and will take full advantage of it as long as the situation exists. 

There's one thing I do know and that's how to count my blessings, even if they are small and quite accidental. I look for them whenever I can and praise all of them. I never take anything for granted. God forbid that I should be ungrateful. I'm always thankful enough when things turn out well as they often do and count my luck along the way. Even when things don't look good, they always end up okay in the end. As a rule, of course. There are exceptions.

I'm not Pollyanna and I don't look at the world through rose colored glasses, although I may be accused of that. It's possible that I'm just naive enough for it. I refuse to see life differently, unless my own black mood dictates it, but then it is of a temporary nature and it doesn't reflect my normal state of mind which is a lot sunnier.

I've had my cups of coffee and they've woken me up enough. I was a little bit discombobulated when I got up but now I'm more than wide awake enough. It's a pleasure to feel so sharp witted, although that is only relatively speaking. I wouldn't want to have to complete a series of difficult tasks right now, Turning out a post is hard enough. I do have to think of amusing enough things to write about to entertain my public. 

It's very possible that the anonymous caller didn't call me at midnight. I normally wake up from the phone ringing and I didn't this time for which I'm very grateful. Hopefully he's gotten tired of calling me because I don't answer the phone anymore after I couldn't get anything out of him. If it is a him. The phone calls started right when I got my new land line and I can only hope that he's got the wrong person. He sure was persistent.

The dog woke me up by licking my hands and face. He had to go out back. It wasn't cold outside and it was a pleasure to stand by the open back door and get some fresh air. It was a clear night out and a lot of stars were visible. I always imagine what it would be like to be out in the countryside and see the night sky then. I'm sure it would be beautiful. You miss a lot of stars when you're in town because of the light polution.

I have to go back to bed and finish sleeping because tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. I do have to get enough sleep before that time. I've been drinking ice cold milk and settling down a bit. It agreed pretty well with my stomach and quenched my everlasting thirst. 

Goodnight everyone. 

Ciao,

Irene

No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Feeling my oats...

I'm really on my way to bed but temporarily got sidetracked about 30 minutes ago. I'm still planning on going there soon but I'll let myself be delayed for a little while longer. I'll pretend to not be in a hurry and that my bed is something I'm not looking forward to very much. That's only half true. I'll let you figure out which half is true. 

I'm also temporarily in a good enough mood. That's surprising because for the last few days I have been grumpy. I do want to take advanatge of this good mood and write a cheerful post even if I have not much to say. I very often have not much to say and somehow I manage to write a post anyway. That's when I write what is called a bunch of bull. 

I don't know why I have been grumpy these last few days. I'm getting enough sleep, so that's not the problem. I'm eating well, so I'm not going hungry. I don't smoke anymore, of course, but I'm still getting nicotine through the patches. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm just grumpy for no apparent reason. 

I'm sure there is a cause but it's not clear to me. I would have to be deeply analyzed to find it out. I don't know if I want to make quite that much effort. I figure that sooner or later I'll get over being grumpy and be in a good mood again permanently or for as long as it lasts. Whichever comes first. 

I had bacon and eggs for dinner but it wasn't the deeply satisfying experience it should have been. I think this was because the eggs weren't biological eggs and they didn't taste as good. The yolks weren't nearly as tasty as they should have been. I opted for quantity over quality and regret it now, but you live and learn.

I think now that I can eat more normally, I will start eating open faced sandwiches again. I have a hunkering for chicken, lettuce, tomato and mayonaise on wheatbread.  That sounds absolutely delicious. I wish I had one right now. I will have to make a good shopping list on Tuesday. It's too bad that I have to wait until that time. 

Oh, I'm just having cravings now. It's that time of the evening again when I always get them. Normally I feel like eating ice cream. I better have a glass of ice cold milk. That will take care of it. 

When I feel cravings, it's time to go to bed. It will be fun to go in search of it, although it shouldn't be too hard to find. I'm already looking forward to getting under the warm duvet. Sleeping is wonderful. The moment of awakening is sheer bliss, even though it only lasts a second.

Have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Too early to sleep, I suppose...

I was all ready to go to bed and go to sleep because I thought the day was done, but apparently I was too early with my attempt and my body wasn't quite ready to shut down yet. I was lying there wide awake, thinking all sorts of interesting thoughts, but not at all going to sleep so I got up again. 

I will try again in a little while because it is my intention to get a good night's sleep. Now that my lungs are inhaling clean air, I do feel that I'm a healthier sleeper and that my nights are spent better in a sounder sleep. I'm not bothered by nicotine and tar and other poisons anymore and I imagine that my breathing has become more liberated and that it affects my sleep also.

Actually, I'm imagining all sorts of good things and in my mind's eye my body is going through a healing process that I think it may not possibly go through that quickly in real life. I don't know how fast a body recuperates after smoking for so many years at my rate. I'm optimistic, though, and I'm willing it to heal quickly. I'm imagining pink and healthy tissue where my lungs are. I do believe in the power of positive thinking. 

I will know what sort of shape I'm in when I next ride my bike. I was in pretty good shape, but I expect to have more endurance now and more power in my legs. I'll really know how well I do when I ride up an incline. Those are always the true tests. 

I'm in my pajamas and bathrobe with a glass of cold milk. I have a craving for a Big Mac and french fries, but I don't think I'll be having them any time soon. It would be impossible for me to finish them, but it's nice to wish for them and to pretend I could have them if I wanted to. A Quarter Pounder would be nice too. I haven't had anything like it in years.

It's time for me to go to bed. When I start to have cravings like that, it's time to call it a night. Otherwise I will sit here and torture myself with visions of food I can't eat. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Life does continue...

I was rudely interrupted in my sleep by the dog who had to go out back for a piddle. I suppose I can't really be upset about that because it is much better than him piddling inside by the back door. It does feel awful if you step in it the next day totally unawares. 

It was much less cold outside than it had been and I stood out on the patio in the night air enjoying it while the dog did his business. The air felt pleasant after having been so cold and I didn't mind being out there in just my pajamas. The sky was overcast and that's probably why it wasn't so cold. 

A pot of coffee was quickly made and I'm having my second cup. I've read other people's blogs and commented on them where I thought I had something to say. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not always as outspoken as I appear to be. 

I actually had a scrambled egg to eat yesterday. I have not had eggs in a long time. I had the Exfactor buy me biological eggs, meaning they came from chickens that had been allowed to roam free outside and have been fed responsibly. 

I fixed it with real butter and it tasted delicious. One egg is all I can handle, but it's perfect for a meal. It agreed with my stomach well too and I didn't experience any problems such as loud noises and burps. That's a good sign and I will have another one today.

I think if you listen to your body well, it will tell you what foods agree with it. You can try them out in small amounts for a couple of times and see what happens. I don't deal well with wheat, especially whole wheat products. They give me gas and make me bloat something awful. So I avoid them. 

I haven't had any chocolate lately either. I don't eat Nutella any longer and I haven't gotten any candy bars from the tobacco shop. I think I've gotten over my craving for it. I may talk about it now and then, but that's really nothing serious. Mostly that's just an old habit. 

What I crave most are cold things such as ice cold milk or pudding or ice cream. Anything to take that dry feeling from my mouth. I think that's a side effect from the medicines. 

I haven't had any ice cream in a long time either. I know it's too dangerous and that I will eat the whole carton in one go. It goes down that easy. It does melt in your mouth, after all. 

Cravings are usually bad things and are best ignored, except low fat, ice cold milk. Or ice cold orange juice. That's a good one too and that's what I'm going to have next. 

I'm yawning. It's time to go back to bed. My duvet is turning out to be the most wonderful thing. I love the thickness of it, yet it's so featherlight. It's perfect to sleep under. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hanging in there a while longer...

It's in the middle of the night and, although I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I have the feeling that I'm not really supposed to be up. As a rule, I enjoy being up at this hour and do my clearest thinking, but tonight must be the exception. I'm slightly muddled and will have to do my best to get through writing this post. 

Maybe as I write this, and have another cup of coffee, the cobwebs will clear from my mind. That has been known to happen. The mental exercise and the caffeine seem to do wonders for my thinking capacities and very often I become quite coherent. That is my preferable state of mind. It's nice to be drowsy and almost nod off, but it's ever so much better to be sharp witted and on your toes. 

Either way, I will fall asleep again when I go back to bed. Nothing will prevent that from happening. Especially now that I've got the new, comfortable duvet on the bed and the bedroom window open to let the cold night air in. As long as the dog is not shivering from the cold, I'll be able to do that.

Outside it's below freezing and there will be frost on everything in the morning. That has its own charms as long as I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog out. It does get warmer a bit during the day and it will be sunny, although the sunshine will not be very strong. It will not give you a tan, but at least it will be cheerful with a bright blue sky. Somebody in their heavens does smile kindly upon us still. 

My mood has improved a bit and I do not see the world as darkly shaded as I did yesterday. That may be because it's now the middle of the night and I'm usually in a better mood at this time. Things never seem as dire at this time because I'm safely wrapped in darkness and my warm and comfortable bathrobe. It's easy to feel safe under these circumstances and have a good attitude. It's when daylight comes that I have to be equally well tuned. 

That should be possible if I get enough sleep and am not awakened prematurely. It's a joy to wake up on my own when I'm good and ready to and take my time to come to my senses with a cup of coffee. That first hour of the day can be very nice when I sit in my armchair and get ready to start the day. The dog is patient and merely wants to sit on my lap. He's in no hurry yet to go out. He knows I need a little bit of time. 

I'm going to act like it's going to be a joy to wake up in the morning. As if I have a fantastic day ahead of me. And then I will make the best of it. I will act like I have enormous horizons and huge possibilities. Like I can make all my wishes come true. You never know how far fetched that is.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

In which I turn into a pumpkin...

Here I am sitting in my bathrobe with my new glasses on, being able to see and read everything. Things are a revelation to me. I never knew what it was like to see so well up close and far away. 

That doesn't mean I'm not about to topple out of this chair from sleepiness, the coffee not withstanding. I'm forcing myself to be awake just so I get to wear my glasses and try them out. It's such a shame to put them away in their case for the night.

No doubt I will get used to this novelty and soon I will be going to sleep again like regular people. In the meantime, I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling very mellow. I will probably fall asleep in this chair behind the computer. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. A little nap wouldn't hurt. 

The caffeine is resuscitating me a little bit and I'm not in as bad a shape as when I turned the computer on. I was near comatose then. I could hardly lift an arm. The coffee barely made it to my lips, but I'm working on my second cup now. I'm finding some strength in it. 

This is all due to the fact that I had a fairly busy day by my standards and that I hardly slept the night before it. Going downtown by myself to pick up my glasses was kind of a big deal, although I seemed to do it effortlessly. I did worry about it beforehand and no doubt that is why I slept so badly. 

Seemingly little things like that can still bother me a lot. But I'm brave in spite of myself when the stakes are high enough. 

I haven't turned into a pumpkin yet and I doubt very much that I'm going to now. The magic hour has passed without it happening. I'm still just an ordinary mortal with a sleep filled mind, but I think I will be up for a while yet. I'm not ready to go to bed. 

It seems like a very boring place to be right now. I must be getting my second wind. Doubtlessly, the coffee is beginning to do its work.

I must find some entertaining ways in which to amuse myself. I think there are some blogs that I have to comment on. I'm awake enough now to be able to do that. I do have the benefit that in the morning it will be Saturday and a day on which I can do what I choose to do. 

Ciao,

Nora

Finally...

I finally feel like I'm caught up on my sleep and that I'm a normally functioning human being again. I took a much needed nap after dinner and slept until the delivery boy from the pharmacy rang the intercom. It's a good thing he did, because I probably still would have been asleep now and that's not what was supposed to happen. 

I didn't get enough sleep last night and got up way too early this morning and was sort of dragging my butt all day. I didn't feel my normal cheerful self, no matter how hard I tried, but I knew it was from the lack of sleep. Sometimes you get too tired to fall asleep and I had tried it unsuccessfully in the afternoon. I felt jet lagged. Thank goodness that I feel alright now. 

I have an announcement to make. From this day on this blog is not going to be my main blog anymore. It is going to be one of the other ones which is now called: Be My Doll, Ain't No Chick. That's where I'll do most of my important posting. So if you're only subscribed to one of my blogs, as I know some of you are, I suggest you switch over to that one. It also has my complete archives which this one doesn't. 

Now that I've made that announcement, I suddenly don't know what to blog about anymore. I've taken the wind out of my own sails. 

At least I'm still yawning despite the coffee I'm drinking. That's a good sign. It means I will sleep alright tonight. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

One of those nights...

 It's threatening to become one of those long sleepless nights that I'm famous for which end up with me not going to bed until some time in the morning. I haven't been to bed yet and have been keeping myself busy with the appearances of my blogs and the names of them. 

I don't know if that was necessary, but it's something I get caught up in very once in a while. A madness comes over me and I go looking for blogger layouts and always find a new website where I can get them for free. And of course, I always think there are better layouts there than the ones I have at the moment. 

I think I am one hell of a stubborn woman with a one track mind who gets fixated on certain activities and stops being aware of everything around her. That's why it's good for me to sit here and write this post and take some distance from it all. Maybe I can get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground and go to bed at a halfway decent time. Maybe I can talk some sense into myself. 

Regardless of the late hour, I'm having some coffee to straighten out my head. It was in a complete muddle. I'm tired enough so I won't worry about falling asleep. That is, if I have enough sense to go to bed and don't continue to sit here doing useless things. I must tell myself that I look forward to going to bed and that it's a nice place to go to. There's so much temptation to stay up and sit here in a half stupor. 

I do like altered states of mind.Especially the kind that are benign and treat me friendly. The kind that leave me without feeling guilty, as this one is right now. Of course, I don't know the aftermath of it yet, but I assume a good outcome.  All will be well in the morning. 

I don't know what happened to the day. It was over in no time at all and I wasn't bored for one minute. Of course, sleeping for half of it took care of a great deal of it. I would be bored in the morning I I didn't sleep. To me that's not the best time of the day to be up. I used to clean house then in my housewifely days, but those are far behind me. I scrub the toilet at any time of the day now. I have no method. 

I have to go to bed now because I'm starting to doze off. My eyes want to fall shut. I'm sure one more cup of coffee would save me, but i better not drink it. I also have to pay attention to the dog because he's bothering the cat for lack of attention from me. I'll have to give him a good belly rub. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

English tea...

I'm having a pot of ordinary tea (it is called English tea) and it's not keeping me awake. I sat here reading blogs and I was slowly drifting off to sleep in my chair. "Well, go to bed then," I hear you all say, but I don't quite want to do that yet. I want to sit here in a stupor and see if I can write a post first while I break out into a sweat from the effort. 

Oh right, that may be from the hot tea. It does taste very nice and I hoped that whatever caffeine was in it would keep me awake, but it doesn't quite work like that, I guess. There is a difference between coffee and ordinary tea, apparently.

It did get me over the grumpiness that I felt when I had just gotten up. I'm grateful for that because that's the one big reason why I drink the coffee. It's to alter my mood, but the tea seems to have done the job too. I do have to say that I make strong tea. It is almost black and the sugar makes it sweet. Strong, sweet tea. Isn't that supposed to cure what ails you? 

Darn, it's hard to stay awake. I have to try and think of something interesting. It's hard to do when only some parts of your brain are functioning and others are in sleep mode. Maybe I can wake them up with a glass of ice cold milk. Sort of shock them into alertness. It's worth a try. 

I didn't stay up to watch 'Midsomer Murders' last night. I was too tired and went to bed early. That's because I didn't have my afternoon nap. Middle aged women like I do need their beauty sleep. I'll even miss a good thriller for that. 

I just let the dog out back and stood outside in the cold night air. There was a pleasant wind blowing and it cooled me off quite nicely.Now I'll appreciate getting under the duvet all the more. 

It's time to go back to bed, although I've stopped yawning and am alert again. The cold milk worked. Well, up to a point it did. I am somewhat looking forward to going back to sleep. I do know that I need at least several more hours. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost asleep...

I'm about to go to sleep and only stubbornness is keeping me up. I should seriously have my head examined because I'm tired enough to go to bed right now. I just don't want the night to end yet. I want to sit here a little while longer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the very late evening. I made a cup of coffee to keep me from falling asleep behind the computer.

I managed to make it through the day on only two tranquilizers. I thought that was a good sign and I was not a nervous wreck. I would have taken more if I had needed them. It's possible that the increase in the antidepressants is starting to do its job because they also have an anti-anxiety function. I've taken them at this dose for five days now and maybe that is long enough to make some difference.

I know I have to be patient and that this whole process can't be rushed. It's going to take time while the medicines build up in strength in my body. Hopefully, each day will be a better day, but I don't want to be back to the point that I was before I became depressed. I want to be doing much better than that because I think I was not doing all that great when I became depressed.

I think I've been suffering from a low grade depression for a long time and it's no longer acceptable to me to live with it. My life has to improve a great deal. The quality of it has to get a lot better. What I have considered as 'normal' is no longer okay. I've actually lived a very low quality life and I won't do it anymore. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist and my SPN and it's definitely going to be a subject of discussion in future talks. 

It's getting late and I have to think about going to bed. My coffee cup is empty so it's time. I have to take my sleeping pills now and drift off to sleep. 

I hope you are all having a good night and that you'll have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

The becauses...

Because I had not slept so well last night and because I had gotten up so early this morning, I just took a two hour nap in my bed. I went to sleep quite devastated, but woke up in a much better frame of mind. 

I did just now take two tranquilizers, but I think they were due because I had not had any since early this morning. This was to prevent the next wave of devastation from washing over me. I felt it coming and wanted to head it off at the pass.

They are not quite working yet, but should be soon and I will be in safer waters.  Until that time, I'm drinking coffee to get at least my head on straight.  

I was in a hypo-manic mood during the night and had to force myself to go to bed when it was already quite late. That's why I only had a few hours of sleep. I had to go see my SPN this morning. I think I like being hypo-manic when it is first happening, but after a while it isn't funny anymore and I become trapped in it. 

I wish I didn't become it at all. Neither extreme is good. Being hypo-manic is just as bad as being depressed. You are not yourself and behave unpredictably. Both extremes are scary. 

Enough said about that. Sometimes I get so tired of myself. 

Ciao,

Nora