Own up to nothing...

I just walked the dog in the late afternoon autumn sun. It was pleasant to be out there because it wasn't too cold and there was no wind to speak of. I had to enjoy it extra much because tomorrow it's going to start raining and it will be done with the fun. I wanted to tell the dog to enjoy the weather, but I don't think he would have cared one way or the other. It's all the same to him. 

I'm having a much needed cup of coffee and it is agreeing with me better than the glass of milk I tried earlier. The milk upset my stomach and caused me to have much discomfort. I'm not back to normal yet. I think now that I must have some bacterial or viral infection because I really felt ill too while I was having these stomach problems. While I am having them still. 

Tonight I'm going to make a very light chicken soup and hope for the best. I'm not going to put any vermicelli in it and basically keep it as simple as possible. It will be mostly bouillon. My personal helper said that I should keep my electrolytes in balance and to do that with something salty. So soup it is.

There, I've already told you more than I was planning to. I was going to keep it light and simple, just like my soup. I wasn't planning on going into a lengthy discourse on my stomach. 

I'm so ready for my glasses to be ready. I'm anticipating a phone call every day, but it may take another week. I've gone so long without glasses, I should be able to wait that much longer. I'm just very impatient to have them. Every day I'm second guessing if I picked the right pair, but I won't know for sure until I've got them on. And then it will be too late to change my mind. 

I've forgotten to watch the news. Now I'm ignorant until later this evening. Luckily, I get a second opportunity. There are political shenanigans going on again. Aren't there always? 

I must make soup to strengthen me. I can't face it on an empty stomach. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

One more time...

I've just taken Tyke for a walk in the real autumn like November wind that blew yellow leaves all around us and ahead of our feet. It was invigorating and not at all that cold. It made me feel alive and ready to take another walk once we were inside again. We will have to go again before it gets dark and I hope the wind will be blowing as nicely then. 

I do appreciate this weather and I want to take advantage of it before it gets too cold to really enjoy it. As long as the wind is not too cold, it is wonderful how it hits your face and makes your skin feel just a bit chilled and look all rosy. I love the way it comes from unexpected directions and whirls the leaves around in spinning circles and rushing waves of color. 

--------------------------

I became very sleepy and had to lie down on the sofa where I took quite a nap. I will have to drink some coffee to completely come to my senses again. The coffeemaker is brewing it now. I have to be patient for just a few minutes, though I find that hard to do. 

There, now I have my coffee. I will be a living, breathing human being shortly. Right now I'm just faking it. 

I was waxing so poetically about the wind and the leaves, but I don't think I can do it anymore. All the poetry has left my body, only dull wit has been left behind to fill up the holes. That and a whole lot of sleepiness. I can't hone my writing skills on them. I will have to use different tactics now. 

My plan was to take Tyke for a walk before it got dark, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. The wind has stopped blowing as blustery and the sun is already getting low on the horizon. And I am still yawning. I need another cup of coffee, obviously...

...Well, instead of messing around with coffee, I took Tyke for a walk, because he would not wait any longer. It was still windy outside and not cold yet, so it was still enjoyable. It is a good thing that we went when we did. It is just starting to get dark and the streetlights are on already. 

I must remember that I like blustery wind that's not too cold. I didn't remember that about myself. It's like it is a new discovery that I made today. How interesting. See how you're never too old to learn things? Even about yourself? 

I am having that other cup of coffee now. It is still very welcome. I've turned the lights on in the living room and will close the blinds in a minute. I see people coming home from their work now, many of them on their bicycles. There are still kids playing outside before they have to go in for dinner. It's Wednesday, so it must be meatball day. That's traditional.

When I think of meatballs, I think of the nice little ones you get at Ikea. I haven't had those in a long time. I can't eat them anymore because of my gastric band and the last time I did, I ran into terrible trouble, because I ate more than I could handle. I'll never forget those meatballs. 

But I still like to go to Ikea. You just need to bring a big, full wallet with you when you go, because there's so much to see that you want and you can easily fill up one of those big shopping carts they have. I have no trouble spending money there. That's probably why I avoid the place right now. It's dangerous. 

It's time to watch the news. I have to go and be informed, although I think it will make no difference if I know how things are in the world. I can only do my share to make it a better one in my own limited way and hope everybody else does their share. I feel very frustrated at times. It doesn't seem that enough people care. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

All dressed up...

I'm all dressed up waiting for it to be time to go to my creative class. I stood in front of my closet this morning and managed to put an outfit together that I'm very pleased with. I could describe it to you, but I'm sure you're not waiting for me to go into detail about that. I tried on a few combinations before I found the right one. Of course, everything revolved around the neat leggings that I had discovered and I put together an outfit with them in mind. I also wanted to wear my Esprit boots and I happened to find a dress that matched the leggings and the boots. After that, the rest was easy. Since I have also lost weight, my clothes fit me a lot nicer, so that's a bonus. 

Since I had my hair cut, I've also started wearing make up again. Not very much. Just some eyeshadow and mascara. It takes me just a few minutes to apply it. I liked myself well enough without the make up, but I realized that with the make up, I look just a bit better. I think I got vain and want to make the best of it. I am getting older and want to look younger. I also bought a pack of cleansing tissues, so the make up is wiped off easily. Witht the depression looming, I want to take special care of myself.

I'm glad that I can order clothes on line and that I don't have to go into town to try things on in dressing rooms. Although there is one store that I really like and their sizes are very dependable, You can actually buy things off the rack without trying them on. But I like shopping on line. I know my size and things are delivered the next day. It's very exciting to open the package and get out the item of clothing that you've ordered and try it on. On the rare occasion that it doesn't fit, you send it back and get a different size at no extra charge the next day. Service with a smile. 

It's cold outside and it's time to start wearing my winter coat. The long one with the hood and the buttons and the zipper. It's really autumn now. The nights are cold and in the daytime it doesn't get much warmer. Rain was predicted for today, but it doesn't look as though it is going to, much to my relief. I'd rather not ride my bike in the rain. No matter how easy my haircut is. 

For practical reasons, I've put my watch back on today and I hope I don't break out in a rash again. I do want to be able to keep track of the time when I'm away from home. I really need to get a leather band for it and I'm going to ask the Exfactor if he will get that done for me one of these days. He goes into town more often than I do and it will be a simple thing to do for him.

Now that the weather has changed, my eczema is really acting up and I need to get a new prescription for the ointment from my GP. I have to remember to call them tomorrow morning for it. I'll put that down in my agenda so I don't forget. 

Okay, I have to go. I need to go and be creative. Wish me luck. 

Ciao,
Nora