Grabbing the bull by the horns...

I've been up since the sun came up and that is very early in the morning at this time of the year. I was all done sleeping and I can only assume that since I stopped taking my sleeping pills, this is all the sleep I need and I'm talking about 6 to 7 hours. I only got up in the middle of the night one time too to let the dog out and to go to the toilet. I went back to bed immediately after that. 

That's highly unusual for me and I don't know if this is going to be a new habit. It may very well be and why not? It wouldn't be such a bad thing to sleep through the night. Other people do it so why not me? It would be a good habit to get into and I may actually learn how to sleep properly after all these years.

Thank goodness that today is Saturday and a day off because it will allow me to catch up on some chores that need to get done. I will go about them in a lazy manner because the day allows it. That's what the weekend is all about. I will thoroughly enjoy myself and not feel rushed at all. That will mean that I will have little or no stress. I'm looking forward to it already.

Of course, that sort of day without stress has already started now. I'm sitting here very comfortably with a cup of coffee and hardly a worry in the world. All I have to do in a little while is take the dog for a walk and it will be nice to get a dose of fresh air out in the blue skied, sunshiny, early morning. I hope the dog will be appreciative of that too, although the dog always likes going for a walk. It's the most fun thing he can do. 

The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was a grilled cheese sandwich. I had a huge craving for one. Luckily, that urge is gone now because it would be a terrible thing to eat for breakfast. I will have a glass of milk and a banana instead. That sounds a lot more sensible. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

After midnight...

I had every intention of going to sleep at a reasonable time and went to bed after I watched the highlights of the football games that had been played this weekend. I have clean sheets on the bed, so I was looking forward to getting under the duvet. I was under it for about an hour in the pleasant company of the animals but I couldn't get to sleep, so I got up again and I have been sitting here ever since amusing myself with various activities behind the computer. 

I'm slightly loopy from my sleep medication but it's not too bad because I had some coffee to sober me up a bit. I will go back to bed again shortly because I think I'm slowly getting into the proper mood for it. I do want to sleep for a long enough time so I will wake up bright and chipper in the morning for the busy day that I have ahead of me. 

I've got my outfit picked out for tomorrow, so getting dressed will be no problem. All I have to do is reach into the closet and pull it out and I will be dressed in no time at all. My hair is in good shape, so running my fingers through it will be all that's required. That's the advantage of having had it newly cut. That's why it's so important that I don't let it get past that crucial state of becoming unmanageable. I have to go to the hairdresser before it starts to bother me. As if going to the hairdresser is such a horrible thing to do.

I'm almost out of perfumes and will have to invest in some new ones, unless I find myself a sugar daddy who will supply me with some. I don't think I'm the kind of woman who would settle for that sort of an arrangement, so that choice is out. I do have a very lovely scented deodorant that I also use as a body spray. I apply it generously and the whole bathroom smells like it afterwards. I use them up quite quickly but I do smell nice. 

A bottle of perfume doesn't last long. At least not the way I apply it. I find I get used to the scent and have to apply more of it in order to appreciate it and I see the amount dwindling quickly in the bottle. I try to get everything out of it that I can before I toss it out. 

Of course my sense of smell is impaired because I smoke, so I need a lot of whatever I use to be able to detect it. It is a bit of a problem. I can never be sure if I'm wearing enough or too much for other people's tastes.

I suppose I will go find my bed now and finally get the sleep I need.  I have to be sensible sometimes. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Repeat performances...

It was another tough day fighting with 'the black dog,' but now that it's nighttime I'm doing a lot better. I think it's because I've taken the tranquilizers and the sleeping pill and, although they don't always put me to sleep, they sure help me feel more upbeat.

I'm allowed to take tranquilizers during the day also, but I've been reluctant to do this. I don't know if there's something convoluted in my reasoning because right now it seems like a very logical thing to do. They take away so much of the heartache. But during the day I sit and suffer and refuse to take them. 

I may have to rethink this in the morning. Maybe I will be more fit for reason then and see the sensibility of taking them. They really do make a difference and make my life much easier. They eliminate many negative thoughts that I have a tendency to have now and that all have to do with my past. Thoughts that are totally useless to have because they are about issues that I've already dealt with. 

In a way it's like my mind wants to torture me and show me pictures of the things I want to least look at and that I have no good reason to. They serve no purpose whatsoever and when I take the tranquilizers, I'm almost immediately relieved of them. You can imagine that this is a very welcome break.

These sort of unpleasant side effects all come with 'the black dog.' There's a whole litany of them and they are as predictable as all symptoms are that come with this disease. I do and don't do the things that are typical for any person suffering from a depression. I'm a textbook case.

Everything isn't perfect right now, but I can forget a few things at this precious moment because all I have to do after this is go to bed. I won't have to think about anything complicated for a while until morning comes. I can forget that the whole world and all of its difficulties exist, including my own part in it.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

No such luck tonight...

I had taken an extra sleeping pill in the hope of sleeping extra well tonight, but I was not so lucky as the dog started to bark very loudly not too many hours after I had fallen asleep. Needless to say, this shocked me awake and I had to get up to settle him down. I stayed up and made myself some coffee and now I am sitting here in a half awake state which is mildly pleasant and as a matter of fact, not at all disagreeable. 

It must be because I'm slightly drugged that it agrees with me so well and it's true that I'm slightly dopey. I'm not saying no to this state of mind and I embrace it fully because what a wonderful place to be in. All my thoughts are pleasant and mellow and I don't feel one bit of anxiety. I can highly recommend this condition to anyone. 

You may want to smoke a little bit of pot to get into this frame of mind. Just a few tokes ought to do it. It's good for whatever physical aches and pains you have and in some countries it is prescribed medicinally. You could be legally smoking pot if it's not easily available like it is here. My son used it as part of his cancer treatment. It was prescribed to him. 

That's was just an aside. I got a little sidetracked. I'm easily distracted right now being not completely in charge of my full faculties. 

Of course, this mood is not going to last forever. As I drink my coffee I will sober up and become quite normal again. It is not for me  to stay in a state of oblivion for a long time. I'm too down to earth for that. I do always seek the path back to the rational state of being very quickly. Recreational drugs are probably wasted on me. All they do is make me hungry and raid the refrigerator. 

I find that the best way to sleep in bed with my bad and painful shoulder, is to lie on my back with my hands folded over my stomach. Sort of like the effigy of a knight resting over his grave. I have the least amount of pain then. It's getting up and acting like it's a normal shoulder when I get in trouble and the least amount of movement bothers me.

This does not prevent me from using it, as I don't want to act like a cripple. I figure if I can stand the pain then I can do the deed. If I don't use it, it will stiffen up and I will be even further from home. If it gets worse, I will go see my GP, but until that time I will ignore it as much as possible. I sure can't go whacking anybody over the head with that arm, but I wasn't planning on doing that anyway. 

I didn't stay up to watch that thriller last night, feeling a great desire to go to bed instead and to sleep between the clean sheets. I was not disappointed and was very comfortable. It's a loss to miss the thriller, but sometimes sleep comes first. 

It won't come first now because by this time I'm over my stupor and I'm wide awake. I will have to drink some warm milk and in the meantime find some activities to keep me occupied.  It's still very early in the night and I've got many hours to go until dawn when I'll be ready to go to sleep again. Maybe I'll surprise myself and go to sleep on time anyway. 

I hope you're having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

It wasn't working...

I didn't achieve my goal of sleeping six hours last night. I had really imprinted it in my mind before I went to sleep and had picked the time that I should have woken up at, but alas, it didn't work out. 

First I woke up because I had to go to the toilet, which isn't too bad because I can usually go back to sleep. Then I woke up from a cacophony of noise emanating from the radio instead of the usual gentle nighttime sounds that come from it. After I got over that shock and tried to get back to sleep, I was alerted by the dog who had taken one of my boots off the third shelf of the bookcase and was just planning on having a good chew on it. 

I gave up trying to get more sleep then because I was perfectly awake, but had slept only four and a half hours. I decided that would have to do and got up reluctantly not having achieved my goal. I'm going to try again tonight and every night and get as close as I can get. It must be doable if I have my mind set the right way. I will always aim for six hours. 

My psychiatrist thought my way of dealing with my sleep problem was the right way and he was glad that I didn't want any new sleeping pills because he would have been very reluctant to give me any. I think I would have had to beg for them. He likes this approach much better and he was about to suggest it to me himself. 

We're also going to not do anything with the rest of my medication, so there are to be no reductions for awhile. It is thought better to let me be in balance for now and have a steady time before we do any more of that. I've been bouncing up and down enough. It's time for some peace and quiet. I can only agree to that.

My visit with my SPN went fine. She said she was glad to have the old me back. She was genuinely pleased about that. I was a reasonable woman again. I know I am because I feel that way myself.

Now I'm yawning again. I think I will sit in my armchair for a while and read my book and then go back to bed. I have lots of sleep to catch up on. 

Have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Ease me gently into the morning...

I figure if I've managed to get 5 hours of sleep, I've done a damn good job and I allow myself to get up and walk into the living room to turn on the computer and from there proceed into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I know how really awake I am by how well I perform this job. If I do it without the least frustration, I am most definitely ready to be up. 

This morning I made the coffee without the least amount of effort. I did it routinely, without giving it a thought and got the proportion of ground coffee just right. I don't over optimistically spoon coffee into the paper filter anymore. I know that less is better to make a strong enough cup with this Dutch coffee.

I also know now at which time of the evening to go to bed to get the most out of my sleep. It isn't very late and I'm certainly not going to go down in history as a party animal, but it is the most sufficient way for me to deal with my specific sleep requirements. It's a good thing that I live alone and that I don't have to be a companion to anyone late at night, because surely it wouldn't work out. Our schedules would clash like crazy.

My dog knows when it's time to go to bed. He gives me the warning signs and acts like my alarm clock to tell me it's time to go. Around bedtime he sits and barks at me softly and won't stop until I've gotten up and changed into my pajamas. Then I have to do my whole 'going to bed routine' while he follows me around the apartment, checking to make sure I do everything I'm supposed to do. He's not happy until I've settled down under the duvet and he's climbed onto the bed with me. 

Of course, every night we have the problem of the cat who wants to come on the bed also and who needs to be chased away by the dog. This is another endless routine that we go through and nobody seems to learn a lesson. The cat always comes and the dog always wants to assert his position and I always have to intervene. Maybe I should stop intervening and let them figure it out for themselves. I should stop rescuing the cat and let her fight her own fights. She needs a little bit of assertiveness training. 

I've stopped drinking coffee a while ago and have switched to lemonade. I'm going to take it and sit in my armchair for a while and read my thriller before I go back to bed to get some more sleep. The Exfactor is going to be here this morning and in the afternoon I've got appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN.  I don't want new sleeping pills. I think they mess me up too much during the day without working at night. I think the system I have now will suffice. 

Have a great day everyone!

Ciao,

Nora

Summer Time...

I was already in bed and sound asleep when the dog started to bark. It startled me awake and I decided to get up to prevent him from barking again because that's the last thing I want. I had already set all the clocks and my watch one hour ahead before I went to bed, so to me it is an hour later now than it still really is. The time won't change until 2 am and it is not that yet. At least I am well prepared and I won't be fooled by what time it is in the morning when I get up for the second time. Believe me, there's logic in there somewhere. It all makes sense to me in a slightly convoluted way. 

So, I'm sitting here now being wide awake, having my coffee and my cigarettes, with a very quiet dog at my feet,  Of course, he had to go out back first before he would settle down and I was quite nervous that he would start to bark out there too, but he did no such thing, thank goodness. There's nothing like the unpredictability of a dog to make you feel on edge in the middle of the night when your neighbors are asleep. My adrenalin rushed through my body until he was inside again, especially since I have a grumpy neighbor who likes to complain about nothing at all.

Saturday went by well and it was a good day. The only thing I forgot to do was pick out a new novel from the bookcase. I never did get around to that because I didn't get a chance to sit in my armchair to read. 

In the morning I slept for a long time to catch up on the sleep I didn't get during the night and it was blessed. I woke up in an excellent mood and totally well rested and not under the influence of the effects of the new sleeping pills that I had stopped taking. Apparently the effects of those babies kept working all day long and did all sorts of things with me that weren't pleasant. I'm not going to try any others. I'll just live with things the way they are now and consider myself a night person. I do get my sleep eventually and that's the main thing. I haven't become psychotic yet because of lack of sleep. 

I took my time picking out an outfit that I wanted to be especially comfortable besides looking good. Comfort was the main thing, though. I wanted to feel easy in it and not have to worry about everything constantly being in place and looking well arranged. I have a couple of outfits that I feel especially comfortable in and I opted for one of those. I can sit as unladylike in it as I want when nobody is around. and it always looks good and is warm enough to wear. I would wear it every day if I could, but it it does have to go into the washing every now and then. 

It's a black, long sleeved, stretch T-shirt dress with a low slung belt that I wear over leggings with a lightweight cardigan on top that's open at the front. It makes me look slimmer than I am and therefor it's flattering. At my age, I need all of that I can get. 

I had to go to the tobacco shop and I remembered to pick out a card for my grandson who is going to be 14 years old in a couple of weeks. I must send the card with contents on time because he lives in the States. I even remembered to pick up a couple of lighters because those things always run out of fuel prematurely. Before you know it, you're left without the means to light your cigarettes. The only thing I forgot to buy was a chocolate bar, but I have chocolate pudding in the refrigerator and I get to have some of that every day so that takes care of that craving. When that is gone, I still have yogurt on which I sprinkle some sugar. I do have to take care of my sweet tooth. 

I watched an international indoor bike racing competition on television in which we finally won a bronze and gold medal on the third day, which is a good thing because the event is held in the Netherlands on a newly built course. We had higher hopes than that, but there's one day of competition left. Dutch people always expect to be the best at all sports and are surprised when we aren't. We assume we belong to the world top in everything. Maybe we are naive optimists. Or maybe we really are fairly good at a lot of things. We have a lot of gumption for a little country and great fans all decked out in orange at every occasion. 

As soon as I'm done writing this, I'm going to choose a novel from the bookcase and put it ready for me to start reading by my armchair. I'm very curious as to what I will find there. I've got to get myself into the proper mood to read. I would really like a thriller and hope I can find one. An Inspector Linley would be nice. I need light entertainment, nothing too intellectual. My brain can't handle anything that's too deep and introspective. No high drama. You'll see the book magically appear on my sidebar.

I'm going to see my sister this afternoon. I haven't seen her in forever. She's always got such a busy life. We do keep daily contact by telephone, but it's not the same as seeing each other. I will drink good cappuccinos and eat Italian cookies of which I will only be able to eat two and then I will be full and I will burp a lot, but it will be worth it. 

Have a great day you all. It's now officially summer time. 

Ciao,

Nora

The most excellent time of the night...

I have slept four hours and am in good spirits. That is only one hour less than if I had taken my new sleeping pills, proving my point that they really don't work. And I feel better waking up too, making me all the more happy. So, the psychiatrist was right in telling me yesterday not to take them anymore. I can only agree with him, besides, the less pills, the better. They all have side effects and I believe these ones made me grumpy and emotional during the day. I'll have to see if today goes any better, but I assume it will. 

I am sat here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and all of my good intentions and a very good mood. I somehow want to act on them and make them count, but that's hard to do in the middle of the night. I can't perform good deeds or climb any mountains or make a trip around the world. If I were a billionaire I could maybe do some of these things impulsively. That's a huge daydream I could get lost in and I just did. I do have to call myself to order. 

This very good mood I am in will have to be put to use some other way. I will just have to write a good post and try to get my good vibes across. 

There's nothing nicer than sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling very good all by myself and wishing to share it with somebody else. If I could make your day seem brighter, I would be very happy. I would want your half empty glass to seem half full. I would want you to count all your blessings and be grateful for them, no matter how small they were.

But that sounds too evangelical and I don't want to come across as someone like that. You get to decide those things for yourself. There is such a thing called self determination, after all, in which you choose your own destiny and the things you believe in along the way. You have to pick your own attitude and outlook. I can't force you into one or the other. 

I'm now sitting here with a glass of cold milk and am thinking of all the ways a person can enjoy themselves if they can hang on to their good mood indefinitely. It seems to me that even the little things in life would be a joy to do if your mood was always good. Everything would be done without a struggle. I can't count on such predictability. My moods are too changeable for that. They go through the whole range from high to low and back again in one day. Especially at this time of the year. I'm a wobbly woman. I need my own cheerleader section. 

I am taking my time writing this because I'm continually distracted by my own thoughts. It's called daydreaming, I think. Sometimes I do a lot of that. I'm also developing a sore throat, which is surprising because as far as I know, I haven't been exposed to anyone who is ill. Oh yes, one of the domestic helps had tonsillitis and was taking antibiotics for it. I hope I'm not getting sick. It would be a waste of a good weekend, but I suppose the timing would be good. I have nothing really important planned. 

I can actually say that I'm glad that it is Saturday. I'm going to take the day off and rest on my laurels. Oh yes, I do have to go to the tobacco shop. That will be my outing for the day then. I do look forward to the day. I get to pick out a new novel from the bookcase and I'm full of curiosity as to what it's going to be. I feel like a thriller, but I don't know if I have any left that are unread. Wish me luck at finding something good. 

Have a good day and stay out of trouble. 

Ciao,

Nora

Is there no rest for the wicked?

Since it's so very early in the morning, I won't worry about how wicked I apparently am. I figure that I've got at least several hours before I have to face the truth of that question and by that time it may not be relevant anymore. I may have forgotten all about it. For now I will just enjoy these quiet hours that are given me in which to write this post and in which to announce as much nonsense as I can think of. I'm sure that if I let my mind take it's silly course, it will come up with all sorts of good stuff, providing I don't censor myself too much. 

I slept as much as I was able to, I woke up once and forced myself to go back to sleep, but that didn't work the second time. The second time, my eyes popped open and I practically jumped out of bed, ready to get the coffee started in the kitchen and turn on the computer. I was as eager as a young puppy to get up and play. This not withstanding the fact that I had taken the new sleeping pills. Much good they do me. I slept 6 hours last night and now I slept 5 hours. I'm defying medical science. 

Nevertheless, It's with a certain amount of contentment that I sit here and have my coffee and cigarettes. What better way to start the day. If the wicked can celebrate the early morning in that way, it pays to be wicked. The best thing is that I'm doing it at a clean desk because I uncluttered it yesterday. All I have left to do is sort out a stack of papers and I think half of them can go into the recycle box. 

I suddenly realized that I was working at a desk topped with unnecessary junk and took care of it in the shortest amount of time. I got rid of what had no business being there and rearranged everything else n a more pleasant manner. This suddenly gave me all sorts of space and I felt that my life was suddenly much less complicated. 

So, that's all it takes to make your life simple. You simply take the clutter off your desk. It unclutters you mind at the same time. I'm going to apply this trick to the rest of my apartment and be free of worries. It will give me a Zen like environment free to contemplate my navel in.

Speaking of that, I haven't taken the opportunity to contemplate my navel in a while and miss the exercise. Maybe that's what's missing in my life. I need to get back to my armchair to meditate in. Providing the pesky dog doesn't bother me with requests for games with his ball and petting sessions and wanting to climb  on my lap to embrace me and lick my face. And that's not even speaking of the cat who will want to get her time in also and infest my clothes with cat hair. The next time I will get a black cat to match my clothes. 

I've just about had all the coffee I want and have switched to cold milk. It does perk me up too with its nice chilled effect. It's the nicest thing next to an ice cream sundae. Every glass is a treat. 

I've got to plan my day. The domestic help is coming because it's Friday again, much to my surprise. But then it always is, isn't it? I'm never prepared for Fridays. They always sort of sneak up on me. The week goes by in a whirl and then suddenly it's the weekend and I always have mixed feelings about it. I wish I could get my head straight about that,

I'm not going to go and find the warmth and safety of my bed. I will stay up and start the day when the sun comes up. I will have to save whatever sleep I didn't get until tonight.

Have a happy day!

Ciao,

Nora

I say the glass is half full, darn it...

After having been in a pessimistic and foul mood for more than 24 hours, I decided yesterday afternoon to take matters into my own hands and to will myself to be optimistic and good natured again. I couldn't stand the mood I was in and I could see that it was only hurting me and hindering my process at becoming a healthy and sane woman. That's not what I wanted out of life. I didn't want to be bitter and  p*ssed off angry. It just didn't become me and I felt highly uncomfortable with it.

I decided to make my peace with my psychiatrist (the person I was most angry with) and to find out exactly how he wanted me to use the new sleeping pills along with the old ones. I wrote him a long and friendly email asking that question for one and soon afterwards I got an answer from him. He explained how he wanted me to use the sleeping pills and it was all very clear to me down the the minutest detail and it sounded reasonable to me. I never had understood that and had not gotten it clear from the beginning. I had been too busy being angry and p*ssed off.

It's a policy that I can live with and I've agreed to give it an honest try, so last night I took the new sleeping pills along with the old ones and had a decent night's sleep. I really slept until I was done sleeping and I made sure of that by staying in bed as long as possible. I'm training myself to be a good sleeper. That's the whole purpose behind this exercise. Anyway...

I watched a very good episode of Inspector Linley last night. It was the one in which the new Helen died, which I thought  was incredibly sad because I liked her and it came so unexpected. I liked her much better than the old Helen and thought she was a real improvement. I had envisioned her being part of the series for a long time.

Now that I'm up and running, I'm going to take the dog for a long walk this morning. He does so enjoy them and it seems to take the rambunctiousness out of him. He is a young dog, after all, and needs his diversions. There's nothing better to him than exploring new territory and peeing against new trees and bushes. Or at least, seldom used trees and bushes. It's going to be another bright and beautiful day today and, although it's still cold outside now, it will be nice to be out there. I'll have to wear my scarf, though.

I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee. He did the groceries earlier this week, bless his heart. I was almost out of everything, especially the milk. It's sad to look in the refrigerator at the end of a week after the shopping has been done. There's almost nothing in there and the cupboards are bare too. The Exfactor can only carry a week's worth of groceries on the bike and even that takes a lot of juggling and careful packing away in the bags. And well inflated tires for all the weight he carries. Which reminds me that I have to pump up my rear tire, it's a little low. I'm a star at pumping up tires, right!

I have to do chores today. I didn't do a thing yesterday, recuperating as I was from my bad mood. There's always some reason not to get your act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Another day again...

It must be possible to shut off your feelings so you don't have to be aware of your emotions and how you react to the events in your life. To be immune against your own inner turmoil and the words and deeds of other people. I'll leave it undetermined if I find myself in such a position now, but if not, I come very close to it. The fact that I'm writing this post casts some doubt on it because obviously I care enough to discuss it and I really shouldn't give a darn.

I'm attempting not to give a darn and to go about my day wrapped in a bubble of indifference. I'm succeeding to some extent because I notice that I care less about the little things, such as how I look and what people are going to think of me. Or how the apartment looks and what someone would say if they were to walk in right now. I don't give a hoot.

Of course, I try to care less about the bigger issues too and let them be water off a ducks back. I want to say to everybody, "I simply don't give a sh*t." That's how I feel and that's how I want to act. It's harder to act out your indifference if you're used to being a kind and polite person. It's tougher to be a tough cookie. 

I didn't take the new sleeping pills along with the old ones last night. I just took the old ones and slept four hours. I wasted my time behind the computer and didn't write a blog post. I wasn't in the proper mood. At that time I still cared too much and I was angry about not being able to sleep. I spent the time being upset and bitter and accomplishing nothing.

Since then, I've had this change of attitude, after I first felt like I had been a victim in an accident and that I was in a state of shock. I realized that that was a subconscious attempt to protect my feelings and then this turned to indifference. Or at least the huge attempt at it. I'm a bit wobbly on it, but still this sentence keeps playing through my head and I want to say it to everybody, "I don't give a sh*t."

Of course, underneath it all there's a huge amount of anger. It doesn't take very much to get in touch with that. It's a seething, boiling vat. The only person it hurts is me. I don't achieve anything with it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's nothing I can do about the sleeping pill situation. It's not in my hands, but it does change the relationship between my psychiatrist and me. There's an inevitable break in it now and I don't know if it can be repaired. 

I'm tired. I think I need to take a nap. Much as I dislike taking naps. 

Have a great day.

Nora

A reason for being late...

I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday and told him that the new sleeping pills had not worked at all. That, as a matter of fact, I had been up for nights without any sleep at all, and that I had gone back to using my old sleeping pills which allowed me some sleep anyway. 

He called me in the afternoon and said that he had never heard of these pills not working at all and that the cause had to be  that I had stopped using my old sleeping pills so abruptly. He suggested that I try using my old sleeping pills along with the new sleeping pills last night and that he would call me today to see what had happened. If I had slept at all. 

My old sleeping pills are the kind that help you fall asleep, but don't keep you asleep, that's why I always woke up after a few hours. The new sleeping pills are really to help you sleep through the whole night. So last night I took them both not expecting very much.

Much to my surprise I slept almost nine hours. I couldn't believe my luck. That's the longest I have slept in I don't know how long. It's been forever. I don't even remember when the last time was that I slept such a long time. Needless to say, I felt great. I was only a little bit groggy when I got up and one cup of coffee took care of that.

Now I only wish to sleep like this every night and I hope it is possible. I hope my psychiatrist lets me use this combination of pills always. 

I look forward to the day now, knowing that I won't have to go back to bed to get the sleep that I didn't get during the night. I woke up at a civilized hour. I went to bed early last night because I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. All day yesterday I didn't take a nap. This normally would have messed up my sleep schedule something awful, but now I've had the proper amount of sleep and I can plan a normal day. 

I have to go see my SPN this morning and after that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. I've already started a grocery list as I thought of items I absolutely needed and should not forget. They are not things I get every week so they are not things I automatically think of when I sit down to make a list when the Exfactor is here. Thank goodness there's a white board in the kitchen to help me remember. It does pay to be a little bit organized. 

I wasn't planning on seeing my SPN this week, but made a last minute appointment anyway with the way things were going. My mood was all over the place and I was in danger of becoming quite hypo-manic. As it is I did some dumb things anyway, but more about that some other time. When I'm not embarrassed. 

I will get the show on the road and take Tyke for a walk. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but it's still quite cold outside. It's been freezing last night. 

Have a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

A caffeinated post...

Without giving you the impression that I'm hypo-manic, I do have to say that I'm sitting here quite contentedly and that must be because I've already had four hours of sleep and one delicious cup of coffee. As happens once in a while, I got the amount of ground coffee just right and turned out a delicious pot of it that's not too bitter or too strong. It does not make my mouth pucker with the awful taste of it. It was a gentle and nicely brewed cup of coffee that I drank and I'm getting ready for my second one. 

I feel good, but I'm not on a high. My eyeballs aren't popping out of my head from excitement, nor am I thinking that I'm omnipotent and all knowing and have the answer to every question. I'm reasonable and sane, but doesn't every lunatic think that he is? The proof will be in the pudding and the pudding will be this post. You'll be able to judge me on the contents and the reasonableness of it. I hope to make complete sense while still being amusing.

Yesterday afternoon I took the dog for a long walk and I saw my first buttercups. I saw them under two trees on a stretch of grass beside the sidewalk. I thought that was very fortunate because I had just mentioned them on my other blog. It's the only place I saw them. I also saw my first dandelions, but I was not as thrilled about them. I'm waiting to see buttercups in the fields now, besides the many daisies that are there, and I suppose the clover will be next, both purple and white. I'm going to keep careful track of which wildflowers pop up where and when. 

Hopefully I'll know their names. It will be a good reason to take the dog on longer walks. I know of one place that's good for many kinds of wildflowers and if there are going to be any, that's the place to look for them. It's a ways out of town on the edge of it, but maybe I can walk there this afternoon after the domestic help has been here. It's supposed to be nice weather today with sunshine and pleasant temperatures, so it would be a good time to go. The exercise would do us both good and I'd have a goal. 

Speaking of goals, I was watching the highlights of some rugby games yesterday and that's a rough sport. Those guys get thrown around and pounced upon like nothing else. I'm sure their poor bodies are scraped and bruised like no others when they're done with their game. Footballers are ninnies compared to them. And I wonder who washes their clothes because they were covered in grass and dirt stains. I'm sure the wives don't have to do the washing at home. I think this was the Six Nation League Championship and I think England won. It was very exciting to watch.  

I also always watch the highlights of the football games and I'm glad they are the highlights only because I could not sit through a whole game unless they were the championships for something. At least with the highlights you get to see the most exciting bits. They show them from all the games that have been played during the week, so there's a lot. I'm not for any team in specific yet, although I think I'm starting to root for FC Twenthe. They're in second place now. It would be nice to see them at the top again. They were the champions last year. 

The sports news was regularly interrupted with news about the situation in Libya. The latest I heard was that Qaddafi wanted a cease fire and I hope he is serious this time because he's wanted one several times before and didn't keep his word. I hope for the people in Misrata that this time it's true, but I think we must not take him at his word. One thing Qaddafi must not be and that is trusted. He's too irrational for it. 

I'm amazingly calm. I don't have that haunted and over excited feeling that I have been having at all. It's a good thing that I've started using my old sleeping pills again. I sure do appreciate them after trying the other ones unsuccessfully. I guess you don't appreciate what you have until you have to do without it. I know that shortly I will go back to bed and sleep well for another long time and that I will be well rested when I get up. My personal helper is going to be here this morning, so I do have to get up at a somewhat reasonable hour. I want to get ready and dressed before she gets here. 

The only problem is that I'm not in the least tired and I haven't yawned once. I'm actually wide awake. I will have to stay up a while longer and wait for sleep to come and overtake me. It is too early to start the day, although I feel like doing it. I will have to see what I'm going to do with that bit of reality. How do I apply that? There's no need to panic, of course. There's no golden rule about when the day starts and when I'm supposed to sleep. I'll just wait and see where the road takes me. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The lure of the nighttime...

I'm just going to have to face up to the fact that I'm a nighttime person and that it's when I'm at my most productive and not worry about it anymore. It's not as if it is some major disability that I have to get over at all cost because I have to be like everybody else and I know now that I'm not the only night owl. There are others like me out there who spend the night awake and don't go to sleep until morning. 

At least I've already gotten a couple of hours of sleep before I get up, so I'm somewhat rested and I know I will get more sleep later. I think I have been overly concerned about fitting into some 'normal' schedule and have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about being up when everybody else is asleep. I'm not going to do that anymore and just enjoy my time being up and not make excuses for it or blame it on some sort of failure on my part.

It's a way of life that I can afford to have and I will accept it. I can actually sleep late in the morning because I never make my appointments  until later in the day. I am that smart anyway. Nobody should try to see me at 8:30 in the morning. I will not be available.

That was the problem with one of my personal helpers. She insisted on seeing me at 8:30 on Wednesday morning to help me get the day started, which was the worst thing possible because I was not ready to start the day. It was not a success. I sat there bleary eyed and tried to be friendly and cheerful when all I wanted to do is go to bed and sleep, which I did as soon as she left, but it put a dent in my schedule. She's the one I stopped seeing. I saw no benefit in her coming here. 

I woke up with a very sore knee and must have slept in a wrong position. That knee can still bother me a lot at times. It's been two months since I injured it, but it continues to be a sore spot. Most days I don't notice it too much, but every once in a while it really acts up. I guess it's to the point now that I can predict the weather because it's going to rain. It still snaps when I straighten it out and always feels like it's going to get stuck. Exercising it seems to be the best thing for it. Sitting or lying down with it in one position is the worst. I guess when you get older, your injuries stay with you longer and become part of you.

I didn't watch television last night, because television these days seems to be all about light entertainment and not about the contents. And I'm talking about Public Television. I'm amazed at the stupidity of the programs, even those that claim to be informative. I wonder what they think about the intelligence of the average viewer. They must not have a very high opinion of it. Luckily, I can choose to shut the television off, but then I'm not the average viewer. 

I'm not high on sleep medication. I took one new sleeping pill and two tranquilizers so that I would sleep at least a little bit better. I didn't take the old sleeping pill that made me feel so loopy. I think that was a real humdinger. I will see if I do better during the day now. Hopefully I will not feel so down and lethargic. 

I think I will go and get into other sorts of trouble now. It's not quite time to go back to sleep yet. 

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

The eagerness of it...

The delivery boy from the pharmacy delivered my new sleeping pills yesterday evening, so I was looking forward to taking them last night and having a good night's sleep. After I put on my pajamas and bathrobe, I watched an episode of Inspector Linley that lasted until 11 pm and then got ready for bed. I took one sleeping pill and waited for sleep to overtake me. When after one peaceful hour in bed it had not, I took another pill like I had been instructed to do. After a while, I fell asleep only to wake up a half hour later, wide awake without any drowsiness whatsoever. It felt like I had not taken any medicines at all. 

Needless to say, I was very disappointed and am sitting here now getting ready for a long night of no sleep. I don't know if it's a good idea to take my old sleep medication, but I am tempted to. At least I slept better with it. I did manage to sleep six hours the night before this one. I had asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me a knock out pill and he had said that this sleeping pill was one and had even said that possibly I'd be drowsy the next morning. I sure don't feel drowsy now. It's like I've taken a couple of aspirins. I think it was only the power of suggestion that made me fall asleep at all. 

It's just my luck that these pills don't work for me. I'm sometimes resistant to the workings of pills and need extra large doses of them, but I'm not going to do that with these. There's a safe limit to take and I'm not going to take more than that. 

So, unless I take my old medication, I'm going to have to entertain myself tonight. I don't know how I am going to do this yet. I can write endless blog posts, but sooner or later I'm going to run out of things to write about. I don't feel hypo-manic, so I don't have the thrill of that, but I'm glad about that. I'd rather keep both feet on the ground, or in this case, have my rear end planted firmly in my seat.  I really have no desire to go to bed right now as it reminds me of failure to go to sleep.  I hope I will naturally get tired and find my way there eventually. 

Maybe I'm meant to be a night person as I seem to function best then. I have the clearest head possible. I sure think better at night than I do during the day. I'm not encumbered by the complications that come with the daytime, even though they are small and hardly of any consequence at all. The nighttime seems to be my realm. I wish I could give you examples of great minds that functioned well during the night, but I'm sure there were many. I would have to investigate that. 

My normal mode of operation is to mess around with the appearance of my blogs when I can't sleep and I may do that. There are probably all sorts of possibilities that I have not tried out yet. There's always the desire to make things look different and better, although I don't know in the end if I do. It's a way to humor myself and to take care of my creative needs. I don't have enough outlets for those now, nor am I really desiring of them. A little bit of blog design goes a long way in the empty hours. I only have those on sleepless nights. 

Not being under the influence of drugs is an amazing thing. It's incredible how clear my mind is. How straight I can think. It's like a fog has lifted from my brain. I should always be this way. I am, to some extent, always under the influence of medication, especially during the day when I take the majority of my medicines.  They are necessary, but still...

I will see what sort of trouble I can get into. I shouldn't call it trouble but creative design. It may all come to naught, we will see. In the meantime, I will entertain myself while you all asleep, unless you are in North America and you are still up. Give me a sign of life if you are.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying harder...

After making the resolution yesterday to sleep better and longer during the night, I actually managed to do so. I woke up twice, but both times managed to go back to sleep, but the third time I ran out of patience and got up. I had slept more than six hours by then and for me that was a long time. 

One time after I had been awake and tried to go back to sleep, the animals both climbed on top of me because they expected me to get up, used to it as they are. I had a bit of a hard time settling them back down again, but managed to do so in the end by holding them both in place with one arm each.

I suppose it will be easier when I get those new sleeping pills tonight, although I don't want to get my hopes up too much in case they turn out to be a popcorn fart. I've been told though, that they are strong and that I may be drowsy first thing in the morning when I get up and to take care. I'm sure a good strong cup of coffee will take care of that.

I do feel well rested this morning and not so screwy the way I do when I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to drink strong cups of coffee to create an artificial high for myself out of which to write 'exciting' posts that never are and of which I only imagine they are. At least I'm not messing around with my moods and I feel even tempered. I'm also no longer under the influence of the old sleeping pill that I took, which I normally am when I get up in the middle of the night and which makes me feel loopy. 

Yesterday was a beautiful day with the most pleasant temperatures and sunshine all day. I rode my bike with only my jacket on and no scarf and I had my jacket unzipped. I probably could have just worn a cardigan over my clothes. Today it's only going to be just the slightest bit cooler, but I don't have to go anywhere. 

Today I have to stay home and wait for the package with summer clothes that I ordered on line and that hopefully are going to fit me. I can't wait to try them on. I ordered them in the new size that I am now, but they are not all the same brand so the sizes may differ. I'll have to keep my fingers crossed and hope for good luck.

I'm drinking a glass of cold milk now and it tastes very nice. I'm so glad I have groceries in the house again. The Exfactor got them yesterday and it's a good thing because I was out of a lot of things. Running out of milk is the worst. I really miss that when I don't have any. I drink lemonade, but it's not as satisfying. 

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and I haven't lost any more weight, but that's not so surprising when you consider that I've increased two medications. It's a surprise that I haven't gained any weight. My psychiatrist thinks that I decreased my medicines to quickly and that we need to do it much slower from now on once I get ready to reduce them again. He says that we should learn a lesson from this experience. That's fine with me. He knows best, I'll do whatever he says. I have complete faith in him. 

I have to take my medicines now and decide if I'm going back to bed for awhile. It's still early and I have no reason to be up yet. On the other hand, I'm not very tired. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

I'm sitting here with a tall glass of cold milk and a cigarette. It is in the middle of the night, but I've already slept for a long time, because I went to bed early yesterday evening. Today is my day off. I can spend it as I wish, within reason, as long as I walk Tyke and do some of my chores. 

It's the kind of day that I look forward to. I do very much like leisurely days in which nothing important is on the schedule and no one is coming to visit me. That doesn't mean that I'm anti-social, because I also appreciate the days when someone does. I do like to keep these days finely balanced. A little bit of everything is perfect. 

The milk tastes great and is perking me right up. I had a cup of coffee, but for a change I wasn't in the mood for another cup. That's highly unusual. The milk is agreeing better with me than the coffee did and is waking up my brain. It must be the coldness of it. It's almost as good as having a cold dessert. In my case that would have to be something like an ice cream sundae with whipped cream on top. I haven't had one of those in ages, but I do have the memory of one.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries and I had him buy me three cartons of low fat yogurt. I'm all done eating vanilla pudding and I was in the mood for something completely different. I do like the slightly sour taste of plain yogurt. For lack of space in the bike bags, I didn't have him buy me any buttermilk, although I was in the mood for that too. Maybe I'll have him get me that the next time.  It's something I have been craving.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to not reduce my sleep medication right now because I had not been sleeping well. Sleeping well is so important and it is really detrimental to my well being if I don't. I don't function as well during the day if I haven't had a good night's sleep. That includes the hours that I sleep in the early morning after I go back to bed. I am reducing the anti-depressives some more and started that yesterday, but I'm not the least bit concerned about that. That will be fine. 

I also saw my SPN and we are now going to see each other once every two weeks, because it's not really necessary to see each other more often. We don't have that much to discuss. We will reduce the visits more as we go along.

I think that now I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not morning yet and I have some hours left before it will be. I'm yawning and more than ready to go back to sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Go on, make me happy...

I just got back from seeing my SPN and my psychiatrist. I also stopped by the pharmacy. They were all lightening visits and I was done everywhere in the shortest amount of time, because everything was so uncomplicated. Isn't that nice? 

I had to get a letter to reapply for the personal helper for another year from my SPN and she had that done in no time. I hardly had to help her with it and was actually joking around and telling her to put in all sorts of nonsense. She just ignored me and I told her that that was the best thing she could do. I could not be held responsible for the contents of that letter, because I'm not that concerned about getting the reapplication approved. It either will be or not, I leave that up to fate. I do appreciate the effort she put into the letter and I will give it to my personal helper on Monday so she can fill out the rest of the paperwork.

My psychiatrist wanted to know how much weight I had lost when I saw him and it pleased me that it was that obvious. I told him that it was due to reducing the medicines and not because I was eating less, because he was concerned about that. I had to reassure him that yes, I was eating enough. He also wanted to make sure that I was absolutely doing alright and that I was not in any way hypo-manic and I tried to reassure him in the best possible way that I wasn't without sounding like I was. Sometimes it is a little bit difficult to prove that you're normal. You start to sound a little mad while you do. 

He wants me to get off the medication that I take to go to sleep at night and I have to start reducing it today. Instead of taking that, he wants me to try herbal medicine and I've picked up those tablets from the pharmacy this afternoon. It is proven that they work and I'm going to try them for a week. If I have luck with them, I'll keep using them. I have no reason to doubt their usefulness and I'm sure they'll work fine. I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight and trying them out. 

In the meantime, I've taken Tyke for a walk, because he was begging to go out. It was time for him to go according to the schedule. He had that right.  It is dark outside now, but today was a beautiful sunny day and I only needed to wear my short leather jacket and no scarf. It felt like springtime a little bit. The snowdrops are out everywhere and today I saw daisies in the fields. That was a nice surprise and it made me feel hopeful. With enough sunshine things will start popping out of the ground. 

I've missed watching the six o'clock news, but I'm going to sit in my armchair now and read my book until the eight o'clock news comes on. That will be a good and quiet way to pass the time. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora