Some rainy Tuesday again...

The title speaks for itself. It's one of those cold wet days on which you want to stay inside and hibernate. However, there is the dog to walk and fresh air to inhale and some exercise to be got. Those things need to happen too. Thank goodness for that because it would be a bad thing for me if I didn't get outside at all. I think I must always have a dog to take out or else I would become a recluse. First I needed children and now I need a dog. Living alone can be bad for an introvert. 

The dog and I did get rained on but we didn't mind it too much because it was the beginning of a shower and we were almost home. The worst of it came down when we were already inside. The bad thing about wearing glasses is that they do get splatters on them when it rains and you really need little windshield wipers on them to get them clean. Your vision is somewhat obscured when you walk in the rain and the wind is coming at you. It does make your walk more adventurous. 

I'm not now bothered anymore by the fact that I've quit the tranquilizers. I was a little bit this morning but I think it was mostly because I hadn't had enough sleep. That made me feel slightly off balance and a little wary about the whole thing. I took a long nap later and woke up feeling a lot better. I think I just needed the sleep. I will assume that I will have no other after effects from having quit them and that all will go well. I've got the right attitude anyway and I can't be tempted to take a tranquilizer because there aren't any left. 

I've got to go and get something to eat before the news comes on. It will be all bad news but at least I will be informed. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

All in the twist of a hand...

I'm having my third cup of coffee this morning because it's making me feel so good. The coffee doesn't really taste good because it's instant but I like the effect. It's making my mind sharp and helping me think straight and those are nice things to have happen to you. I've been afraid to switch to cold milk in case I get an upset stomach which is more likely to happen than when I drink coffee. Coffee is by far the safest beverage I can drink. 

I took the dog for a walk and it wasn't too cold out there. The sun was shining and the temperature was agreeable. I did have to wear my winter coat but not my gloves or scarf. My head was warm enough too, funky as it is with my latest hairdo. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a hat over it. That would have ruined the whole effect. 

I was supposed to have had an impromptu appointment this morning, but I decided to call over there on a hunch and find out if the person I wanted to see was actually there. It's a good thing I called because she was not, having fallen ill with a kidney stone. I made an official appointment for next week. Things sounded kind of hectic over there and I'm sure they wouldn't have needed me there today. Sometimes a hunch pays off. 

I'm telling myself that there's nothing wrong with today and that I can spend it as agreeably as I want and that is true. I have no real obligations and no appointments. The day is my oyster, although I hardly know what to do with it. I'm in a contemplative mood and can spend it in much silence and solitude doing nothing important. I have no high goals for the day anyway. Peace of mind is my main concern. 

I suppose that's some kind of higher ideal and I shouldn't take that too lightly. What's better than to seek peacefulness? I hope the dog and the cat are of the same opinion. It would be good if we were all on the same wave length.

I wish the weather would make up its mind because now it's overcast and gray and it looks like it's going to rain. It will be cozy enough if it does. I really don't mind. One of my favorite things to listen to is a YouTube recording of a rainshower in a forest. It lasts an hour and is extremely soothing. Whoever thought of recording these natural sounds is a genius. I also like the ones of birdsong in the early morning. 

I didn't have to take a painkiller this morning for my headache. I did take a tranquilizer. and it has probably relaxed me enough. At least the muscles in my neck aren't tight. I'm wearing my glasses constantly, although I thought for a little while that they were maybe bothering me. It turned out to bother me more to have to do without them. I just don't see well enough if I don't wear them. 

I hope you'll all have a good day whatever kind of weather you're having. 

Ciao,

Irene

Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Aches and pains...

The muscles in my stomach ache from being unwell, but I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee successfully and I've also been able to drink a glass of milk and that is great news. I had to forego drinking the two for quite a while. This means that my stomach is slowly getting back to normal and my nerves are maybe slowly too. I do have to take a tranquilizer every now and then to steady myself, but I think that's a small price to pay for a stressless situation. Besides, I am worth it. 

Because I had hardly been able to eat anything, it was a relief to be able to drink the tall glass of milk. It was filling and nutritious and it did perk me up quite a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards and not so hungry. It was as good as having a small meal. The coldness of it was very pleasant and it also quenched my thirst.

The stress was coming from having too many things to do before my older sister gets here and me worrying about her health and her having a good enough time here. Now that I know this, because these feelings were creeping up on me subconsciously, I feel a bit better and more aware of what the problem is and able to deal with it. In the morning I will take care of everything that needs to get done and not worry about anything else. 

At least I feel well enough physically to be able to take care of things and no longer so ill. That is quite a relief. 

It's tough when your mental problem translates itself into a physical ailment, but once you are aware of it, there is a way to deal with it. I suppose that instead of taking a tranquilizer I could do some meditative exercises, but I'm not really the type to do them correctly to last for a long enough time. I find that taking a tranquilizer works quicker and better. I do rely on medication to get me out of the tough situations, but I am able to get off them when the time is right. 

It is with some amount of anticipation that I sit and think about the coming weekend. It is also Easter after all and my younger sister is giving a brunch for us all. I'm looking forward to that because I hope she is serving fresh croissants. I have been having a hunkering for them. I'm sure there will be something delicious to eat, although there's some question if my older sister and I will be able to partake much having the stomach problems that we do. There will be other people there to do the meal justice, though.

I suppose that I will go back t bed now and get some more sleep, although I'm not tired. Common sense tells me that I need to go back to bed. I can do the dishes instead. That may be a good idea also. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Should haves...

I was supposed to have gone to bed a while ago, but then got caught up in changing the templates to my blogs. This got me so excited, that I'm wide awake again and now I have to settle down all over again. I'm having another glass of cold milk in the hope that it will work soothingly and make me sleepy like it usually does. 

Changing the templates was really a spur of the moment thing. I think I really didn't want to go back to bed and was looking for an excuse to stay up. I sometimes like a little bit of excitement in the middle of the night. I don't get very much of it anymore now that I've quit my tranquilizers, so I have to create some when I can. I do need my little highs every now and then. 

I'm starting to yawn, so there's hope yet. I will be able to sleep for a couple of hours before I have to get up. The fun and excitement will start at 9 am. 

Bed is never so enticing as when you've been up half the night and oh so difficult to get out of in the morning. I will have to set the alarm clock. It's got an irritating enough sound so I won't sleep through it, though I seem to remember that one time I was so stupefied that I did. It must have been because of the drugs. I'll blame everything on them. 

The cat and the dog have been very well behaved since I've been up, while they were so very irritating before that. I guess they don't like for me to sleep and prefer it if I keep watch over them. The dog's been spread out on the sofa and the cat's been sound asleep on the bed. Before that time they were bickering and keeping me awake. They are just like two ornery little kids. 

Since today is Monday, it's going to be one of those long days in which my time is not my own. I will be surrounded by other people. I only enjoy that up to a point. There's a limit to how much I can stand that. I do look forward already to the end of the afternoon when I will be on my own again. 

First I have to go back to bed. I'm not quite ready to, but I'm going to have to make the effort. I'll just force myself to go to bed and fall asleep. It will be a matter of willpower. It may possibly just be nice to get under the duvet and get warm and cozy.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Friday morning...

It's early in the morning and unless I'm hypo-manic, I'm never going to say that I'm in an excellent mood again. It will suffice to say that I'm reasonably calm now and not all too depressed, but then the day has not properly started yet and this is just a prelude to it. 

I'm still fairly relaxed and the nerves aren't screaming through my body yet, although I feel an undertone of them in the not too far away distance. I have just taken my medicines, but not my tranquilizers because I think I will not take them again during the day. I think it was a misconceived idea of mine that they were helping me. 

I have to go see my psychiatrist a nine o'clock. I guess I'm a bit uptight about that because I don't know what to expect. I hope for some sort of solution, but I don't know if I will get it. I'm counting on his knowledge, but I also know his way of reasoning about my case. I don't expect any miracles. I don't think a rabbit will be pulled out of a hat. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbound and untethered...

The great thing about being unburdened of a depression is that you don't dread the day to come. You can go to sleep at night in a fairly restful state of mind and know that the next day is not going to be one in which you will be fighting a battle with yourself and the elements around you. A battle which you are going to lose and which is going to cause you all sorts of stress. 

Relieved of my depression because of the regular use of tranquilizers, I now feel pretty secure at any time of the day and night. I don't worry anymore that I'm not going to be able to cope because I can look forward to a lot of peacefulness and the knowledge that I'll make it through the day fairly unscathed. 

The fact that I will be safe in my own company makes me feel very secure. I no longer have to try and escape from myself and my own thoughts and find my solace in sleep. My thoughts are very benign now and don't harm me. I no longer have them hanging over me like so many dark clouds. 

Speaking of dark clouds, we've had enough of those around lately. Yesterday we had nothing but and it rained every now and then. We don't need the rain, so it is completely superfluous and we could actually do with a week of sunshine and warm temperatures. There seem to be none in the forecast. 

When I visited my sister yesterday afternoon, I wore two layers of clothing and my jacket and a scarf. I had to ride my bike over there. There was a cold wind blowing and I had to ride into it going over there. Luckily, it did stay dry, but the sky looked threatening all afternoon. 

We did sit in the garden for a little while all bundled up and looked at what flowers were blooming now and which ones were all done. Some plants are thriving in all the rain, but others are not doing all that well. They seem to like drier conditions, but the ground is soaked.

The herbs are doing great and my sister uses them for cooking. She cooks Italian a lot and vegetarian and uses the herbs to give the dishes the extra flavor.

It was good to come home again and see the dog and sit in quiet solitude for a while in my armchair before I took him for a walk. I so very much appreciate the time on my own again. I only need a little bit of socializing, though I could not do without. I like it when other people do most of the talking and I do the listening because I don't have that much to say. I should always be around talkers. 

I did the last of my chores in the evening and stayed up as long as I could, although I wanted to go to bed much earlier. I didn't want to upset my schedule, but in a way I do every night. At least I'm steady about it. 

Now it's time to finish sleeping. I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. I only have the domestic help coming here this afternoon. That's more than enough. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Repeat performances...

It was another tough day fighting with 'the black dog,' but now that it's nighttime I'm doing a lot better. I think it's because I've taken the tranquilizers and the sleeping pill and, although they don't always put me to sleep, they sure help me feel more upbeat.

I'm allowed to take tranquilizers during the day also, but I've been reluctant to do this. I don't know if there's something convoluted in my reasoning because right now it seems like a very logical thing to do. They take away so much of the heartache. But during the day I sit and suffer and refuse to take them. 

I may have to rethink this in the morning. Maybe I will be more fit for reason then and see the sensibility of taking them. They really do make a difference and make my life much easier. They eliminate many negative thoughts that I have a tendency to have now and that all have to do with my past. Thoughts that are totally useless to have because they are about issues that I've already dealt with. 

In a way it's like my mind wants to torture me and show me pictures of the things I want to least look at and that I have no good reason to. They serve no purpose whatsoever and when I take the tranquilizers, I'm almost immediately relieved of them. You can imagine that this is a very welcome break.

These sort of unpleasant side effects all come with 'the black dog.' There's a whole litany of them and they are as predictable as all symptoms are that come with this disease. I do and don't do the things that are typical for any person suffering from a depression. I'm a textbook case.

Everything isn't perfect right now, but I can forget a few things at this precious moment because all I have to do after this is go to bed. I won't have to think about anything complicated for a while until morning comes. I can forget that the whole world and all of its difficulties exist, including my own part in it.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

...and other tales of mayhem.

It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that. 

There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.

 

I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.

I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me. 

That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.

At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings. 

I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday. 

I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost asleep...

I'm about to go to sleep and only stubbornness is keeping me up. I should seriously have my head examined because I'm tired enough to go to bed right now. I just don't want the night to end yet. I want to sit here a little while longer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the very late evening. I made a cup of coffee to keep me from falling asleep behind the computer.

I managed to make it through the day on only two tranquilizers. I thought that was a good sign and I was not a nervous wreck. I would have taken more if I had needed them. It's possible that the increase in the antidepressants is starting to do its job because they also have an anti-anxiety function. I've taken them at this dose for five days now and maybe that is long enough to make some difference.

I know I have to be patient and that this whole process can't be rushed. It's going to take time while the medicines build up in strength in my body. Hopefully, each day will be a better day, but I don't want to be back to the point that I was before I became depressed. I want to be doing much better than that because I think I was not doing all that great when I became depressed.

I think I've been suffering from a low grade depression for a long time and it's no longer acceptable to me to live with it. My life has to improve a great deal. The quality of it has to get a lot better. What I have considered as 'normal' is no longer okay. I've actually lived a very low quality life and I won't do it anymore. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist and my SPN and it's definitely going to be a subject of discussion in future talks. 

It's getting late and I have to think about going to bed. My coffee cup is empty so it's time. I have to take my sleeping pills now and drift off to sleep. 

I hope you are all having a good night and that you'll have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

The becauses...

Because I had not slept so well last night and because I had gotten up so early this morning, I just took a two hour nap in my bed. I went to sleep quite devastated, but woke up in a much better frame of mind. 

I did just now take two tranquilizers, but I think they were due because I had not had any since early this morning. This was to prevent the next wave of devastation from washing over me. I felt it coming and wanted to head it off at the pass.

They are not quite working yet, but should be soon and I will be in safer waters.  Until that time, I'm drinking coffee to get at least my head on straight.  

I was in a hypo-manic mood during the night and had to force myself to go to bed when it was already quite late. That's why I only had a few hours of sleep. I had to go see my SPN this morning. I think I like being hypo-manic when it is first happening, but after a while it isn't funny anymore and I become trapped in it. 

I wish I didn't become it at all. Neither extreme is good. Being hypo-manic is just as bad as being depressed. You are not yourself and behave unpredictably. Both extremes are scary. 

Enough said about that. Sometimes I get so tired of myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back to business...

Okay, there is to be no fooling around and things are going to be back to business as usual. I will keep a stiff upper lip and not sit here and feel sorry for myself. There is to be no whining and complaining except for when I momentarily can't stand it anymore, but then it will be very briefly. 

Last night I muttered swear words under my breath. I didn't speak the lord's name in vain, but I did mention him several times. Repeatedly, actually. It felt good and it was sort of like an incantation. It was a plea to his omnipresence, as far as that heathen heart of mine was capable of it. The catholic church would have been proud of me. I swore as well as any pastor. I did it every time reality dawned on me.

The English aren't the only ones who can keep a stiff upper lip. We Dutch people are equally good at it, though we call it something else. We have all sorts of expressions for it, none of which are really suitable for translation. I don't like them well enough anyway. We straighten our backs and turn into the wind and get ready to brave the storm. And not a peep out of you. That's just a general description.

I'm sitting here having numerous cups of coffee and I'm not keeping track of how many I've had. It doesn't seem important right now. What counts is the state of my mood and its relative wellness. If I have to chemically induce that, then so be it. It seems a minor detail in the general state of affairs. I had a lot of coffee yesterday too and I survived it well enough. I still think it has medicinal properties and is as necessary to me as my medication is.

It's early in the morning and I don't know if I will go back to bed. I very much feel like staying up and starting the day. I woke up in a terrible sweat, but I know it's not from the menopause. It's a side effect from the antidepressants and now that they've been increased, it's going to bother me more. I don't look forward to going back to bed and would have to change the sheets first anyway. It's possible that I'll hang out here in my bathrobe for quite a while longer.

At least it's possible now for me to take tranquilizers during the day which soften the edges quite a bit. I was encouraged to do this and I have no qualms about taking them, not now. I always get off them very easily too when the time is right. 

I don't know what sort of post this has turned out to be. It wasn't as normal a post as I had intended it to be. Maybe it will be the next time. I will talk about ordinary things in a more normal frame of mind. If I achieve that, of course. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Fake it until you make it...

I took two tranquilizers a while ago and I've been sitting here waiting for them to work before I got down to the business of writing a post. I want to write a good humored post and not one steeped in seriousness and sorrow. There's no need for that, but I did need to get rid of a little bit of stress. It's better to feel as relaxed as possible and I did have permission from my psychiatrist to use the tranquilizers as I needed them.

I'm sitting here in a dimly lighted living room. Outside it has just started to rain again like it has been on and off all day. Luckily, I managed to stay nearly dry when I had to go out in it. I only got sprinkled on a little bit. I did get a wet bottom from my bicycle seat, but that was the least of my worries. It dried in no time at all. That's what happens when your bike is parked outside during a rain shower and you have nothing to wipe your seat off with.

I've walked the dog and the wind was blowing hard. It wasn't a real pleasure to be out there. It would have been if I had been dressed warmer maybe. It feels like autumn outside. It's only 59F and it's August. It's as cold as it gets in San Francisco in the summertime.

Right, so I have seen my psychiatrist and it was a very tough visit. He said I was severely depressed. I exposed all the negative feelings imaginable and he showed the patience of a saint until I became more reasonable. He has increased my antidepressants, although I told him that I had no faith in them. He said that it was the only option available right now. We are not going to mess with other medication. It would upset my equilibrium, but I said it was already upset. Ha ha!

He is a tough cookie, this psychiatrist. He is as stubborn and all knowing as I am. He really does know his business. I'm at his mercy. When he says no, he means no.

All I can hope for is improvement and I know it takes time. I have to be patient and think long term and not take the short view. I have to act like everything is okay until it is. That means stepping outside myself and not dwelling on everything that's wrong. It means ignoring a lot of things. It's pretty much what I've been doing all along. I'm good at that. 

I've got to go and watch the news. There's lots going on in the world. Even I know that. You can't close your eyes to it. Much as I'd like to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Exist only here...

I'm existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I'm really not properly awake. I've decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don't want anything to come along and burst my bubble.

In order to make this feeling last, I've just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don't want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there... So help me God. 

My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn't told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven't had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.

When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister's house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to. 

I let my sister know last night that I didn't want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I'm so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn't have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I've always done. I've never had 'the' confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left

On top of everything, the 16th is our late son's birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don't need any extra stress on top of it.

Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won't it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The lure of the nighttime...

I'm just going to have to face up to the fact that I'm a nighttime person and that it's when I'm at my most productive and not worry about it anymore. It's not as if it is some major disability that I have to get over at all cost because I have to be like everybody else and I know now that I'm not the only night owl. There are others like me out there who spend the night awake and don't go to sleep until morning. 

At least I've already gotten a couple of hours of sleep before I get up, so I'm somewhat rested and I know I will get more sleep later. I think I have been overly concerned about fitting into some 'normal' schedule and have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about being up when everybody else is asleep. I'm not going to do that anymore and just enjoy my time being up and not make excuses for it or blame it on some sort of failure on my part.

It's a way of life that I can afford to have and I will accept it. I can actually sleep late in the morning because I never make my appointments  until later in the day. I am that smart anyway. Nobody should try to see me at 8:30 in the morning. I will not be available.

That was the problem with one of my personal helpers. She insisted on seeing me at 8:30 on Wednesday morning to help me get the day started, which was the worst thing possible because I was not ready to start the day. It was not a success. I sat there bleary eyed and tried to be friendly and cheerful when all I wanted to do is go to bed and sleep, which I did as soon as she left, but it put a dent in my schedule. She's the one I stopped seeing. I saw no benefit in her coming here. 

I woke up with a very sore knee and must have slept in a wrong position. That knee can still bother me a lot at times. It's been two months since I injured it, but it continues to be a sore spot. Most days I don't notice it too much, but every once in a while it really acts up. I guess it's to the point now that I can predict the weather because it's going to rain. It still snaps when I straighten it out and always feels like it's going to get stuck. Exercising it seems to be the best thing for it. Sitting or lying down with it in one position is the worst. I guess when you get older, your injuries stay with you longer and become part of you.

I didn't watch television last night, because television these days seems to be all about light entertainment and not about the contents. And I'm talking about Public Television. I'm amazed at the stupidity of the programs, even those that claim to be informative. I wonder what they think about the intelligence of the average viewer. They must not have a very high opinion of it. Luckily, I can choose to shut the television off, but then I'm not the average viewer. 

I'm not high on sleep medication. I took one new sleeping pill and two tranquilizers so that I would sleep at least a little bit better. I didn't take the old sleeping pill that made me feel so loopy. I think that was a real humdinger. I will see if I do better during the day now. Hopefully I will not feel so down and lethargic. 

I think I will go and get into other sorts of trouble now. It's not quite time to go back to sleep yet. 

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora