On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora