On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

The first cup...

I'm sitting here with my first cup of coffee, soon to become my second cup, because I've almost finished it, greedily as I'm drinking it. I do want to get the cobwebs out as quickly as I can this morning, because I figure that every minute counts. Oh sure, I have hours of time before my personal helper gets here, but that time goes by quickly when you're having fun, as I'm about to have. 

I'm thoroughly going to enjoy every minute of those hours doing nothing but blog and answer emails, and yes, also do some chores. But if that is true, why am I sitting here on the edge of my seat as if I am about to take off into the 'I don't know where?'  I do have to relax in order to be able to enjoy myself. I can't sit here with a tightly folded into itself body that's about to be triggered into an explosion of uncontrolled movement. 

I've just taken my medicines and readjusted the way I sit in this chair. I have everything loose now and am very consciously trying to stay that way. I'm trying to stay grounded. I'm paying attention to the relaxation of all my muscles and my breathing. I'm becoming aware of all the little aches and pains and know that I have to pay attention to them and not ignore them. I stop sitting hunched over and straighten my back. There's so much to remember. 

At least I'm not about to take off from my chair anymore. I'm going to have a tall glass of cold milk next. 

That does necessitate putting on my bathrobe, because that cools your body off quite a bit, a glass of cold milk does. But I'm much more relaxed now and I feel a lot better. I can better enjoy writing the rest of this post now. 

I went to bed late last night, I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. At least I had enough sense to go to bed, because I really had to force myself to. I wasn't sleepy when I went and could have stayed up longer. I wanted to be sensible, though, and get some amount of normal sleep anyway. I did want to be in halfway decent shape this morning. 

When my personal helper gets here, I want to be ready to get things done. That really means that I have to take a shower before she gets here, but I do so hate taking showers and really need to be motivated for them. Somebody needs to make me take them. It's the antiquated shower system that makes me hate taking showers so much. Some things in 'cheap' apartments in the Netherlands are simply abysmal. 

Well, I've told you enough trivial things now, I think. I must move on to other things. There are other blogs not to neglect and to write trivial things in.

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora