Some rainy Tuesday again...

The title speaks for itself. It's one of those cold wet days on which you want to stay inside and hibernate. However, there is the dog to walk and fresh air to inhale and some exercise to be got. Those things need to happen too. Thank goodness for that because it would be a bad thing for me if I didn't get outside at all. I think I must always have a dog to take out or else I would become a recluse. First I needed children and now I need a dog. Living alone can be bad for an introvert. 

The dog and I did get rained on but we didn't mind it too much because it was the beginning of a shower and we were almost home. The worst of it came down when we were already inside. The bad thing about wearing glasses is that they do get splatters on them when it rains and you really need little windshield wipers on them to get them clean. Your vision is somewhat obscured when you walk in the rain and the wind is coming at you. It does make your walk more adventurous. 

I'm not now bothered anymore by the fact that I've quit the tranquilizers. I was a little bit this morning but I think it was mostly because I hadn't had enough sleep. That made me feel slightly off balance and a little wary about the whole thing. I took a long nap later and woke up feeling a lot better. I think I just needed the sleep. I will assume that I will have no other after effects from having quit them and that all will go well. I've got the right attitude anyway and I can't be tempted to take a tranquilizer because there aren't any left. 

I've got to go and get something to eat before the news comes on. It will be all bad news but at least I will be informed. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Hanging in there a while longer...

It's in the middle of the night and, although I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I have the feeling that I'm not really supposed to be up. As a rule, I enjoy being up at this hour and do my clearest thinking, but tonight must be the exception. I'm slightly muddled and will have to do my best to get through writing this post. 

Maybe as I write this, and have another cup of coffee, the cobwebs will clear from my mind. That has been known to happen. The mental exercise and the caffeine seem to do wonders for my thinking capacities and very often I become quite coherent. That is my preferable state of mind. It's nice to be drowsy and almost nod off, but it's ever so much better to be sharp witted and on your toes. 

Either way, I will fall asleep again when I go back to bed. Nothing will prevent that from happening. Especially now that I've got the new, comfortable duvet on the bed and the bedroom window open to let the cold night air in. As long as the dog is not shivering from the cold, I'll be able to do that.

Outside it's below freezing and there will be frost on everything in the morning. That has its own charms as long as I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog out. It does get warmer a bit during the day and it will be sunny, although the sunshine will not be very strong. It will not give you a tan, but at least it will be cheerful with a bright blue sky. Somebody in their heavens does smile kindly upon us still. 

My mood has improved a bit and I do not see the world as darkly shaded as I did yesterday. That may be because it's now the middle of the night and I'm usually in a better mood at this time. Things never seem as dire at this time because I'm safely wrapped in darkness and my warm and comfortable bathrobe. It's easy to feel safe under these circumstances and have a good attitude. It's when daylight comes that I have to be equally well tuned. 

That should be possible if I get enough sleep and am not awakened prematurely. It's a joy to wake up on my own when I'm good and ready to and take my time to come to my senses with a cup of coffee. That first hour of the day can be very nice when I sit in my armchair and get ready to start the day. The dog is patient and merely wants to sit on my lap. He's in no hurry yet to go out. He knows I need a little bit of time. 

I'm going to act like it's going to be a joy to wake up in the morning. As if I have a fantastic day ahead of me. And then I will make the best of it. I will act like I have enormous horizons and huge possibilities. Like I can make all my wishes come true. You never know how far fetched that is.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

But for the title of this post....

No matter how malcontented I am during the day, I always feel so much better during the night. I think that maybe I should judge how well I'm doing only by taking my measure at night and not during the day when it could be anything from bad to worse. I'm most definitely not in a position to give a rational answer during the day. Whatever circumstances prevail then influence me for the worse.

I notice that I'm especially influenced by the company of other people and that their presence has a negative effect on me. Other people's company does not do me good, on the contrary. It wears me out and turns me into a pessimist. Usually I can't wait for them to be gone so I can be left in peace with my own simple thoughts. I don't like their intrusive presence and questions and fixated interest in me. I don't like how they try to fit my thoughts into boxes with labels.

Maybe I hang out with the wrong people, there's the distinct possibility of that. My personal helper is going to be two weeks off and I will see how well I do without her presence during that time. I'm looking forward to the emotional freedom. Maybe I'll disconnect from her after that. We are both at a point where we're wondering what her role in my life is anymore. It is possible that she is obsolete and that she's even become an obstacle. She gets too stuck in trying to rescue me when I don't want to be rescued.

I've got to write about something more cheerful than this. Be assured then that I'm enjoying this moment to the best of my ability. I've got my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and the quiet peacefulness of the night. All is not right with the world, but some things are. I can pretend to be in a timeless place where nothing is important and in the end, I will go back to bed to sleep some more, providing the coffee doesn't keep me awake.

Today, the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, which is very good because I'm just about out of milk and you know what a disaster that is. I'm also out of vanilla pudding and have been for some time. I do miss it very much. It's the creamy smoothness that I miss so much. I could eat liters of the stuff. My gastric band prohibits it. 

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon. I don't know if I'll go there with any sort of expectations. A lot of it depends on what mood I'll find myself in. The appointment is at a time when I usually take a nap, so it will be a little rough to stay up. I think I have to work on my attitude and I will discuss that. I need a change of it. I need a positive kick in the pants. I can't wish to become better and wish to be dead at the same time. 

I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm drinking the last of the milk and it's settling me down, I'm even yawning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day today.

Ciao,

Nora

Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

Another day again...

It must be possible to shut off your feelings so you don't have to be aware of your emotions and how you react to the events in your life. To be immune against your own inner turmoil and the words and deeds of other people. I'll leave it undetermined if I find myself in such a position now, but if not, I come very close to it. The fact that I'm writing this post casts some doubt on it because obviously I care enough to discuss it and I really shouldn't give a darn.

I'm attempting not to give a darn and to go about my day wrapped in a bubble of indifference. I'm succeeding to some extent because I notice that I care less about the little things, such as how I look and what people are going to think of me. Or how the apartment looks and what someone would say if they were to walk in right now. I don't give a hoot.

Of course, I try to care less about the bigger issues too and let them be water off a ducks back. I want to say to everybody, "I simply don't give a sh*t." That's how I feel and that's how I want to act. It's harder to act out your indifference if you're used to being a kind and polite person. It's tougher to be a tough cookie. 

I didn't take the new sleeping pills along with the old ones last night. I just took the old ones and slept four hours. I wasted my time behind the computer and didn't write a blog post. I wasn't in the proper mood. At that time I still cared too much and I was angry about not being able to sleep. I spent the time being upset and bitter and accomplishing nothing.

Since then, I've had this change of attitude, after I first felt like I had been a victim in an accident and that I was in a state of shock. I realized that that was a subconscious attempt to protect my feelings and then this turned to indifference. Or at least the huge attempt at it. I'm a bit wobbly on it, but still this sentence keeps playing through my head and I want to say it to everybody, "I don't give a sh*t."

Of course, underneath it all there's a huge amount of anger. It doesn't take very much to get in touch with that. It's a seething, boiling vat. The only person it hurts is me. I don't achieve anything with it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's nothing I can do about the sleeping pill situation. It's not in my hands, but it does change the relationship between my psychiatrist and me. There's an inevitable break in it now and I don't know if it can be repaired. 

I'm tired. I think I need to take a nap. Much as I dislike taking naps. 

Have a great day.

Nora

At the stroke of midnight...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here with a big mug of coffee and a cigarette. I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can be and not worry about a thing. I don't actually have that much to worry about, but I just feel the general sort of tension that comes with being alive. My shoulders and back are tight and sore and I'm trying to relax them. I could use a good massage. Instead I have taken a painkiller and it should work shortly. It will probably also put me to sleep because it has codeine in it.

I've developed a cough and I think I have just a touch of bronchitis. No doubt that has to do with the time of year and the weather. It's been so cold and damp, although yesterday we had partial sunshine and will have again today. The humidity is high, though. When I was a child, I used to get bronchitis at this time of the year. I had some issues with allergies too, although I'm supposed to have outgrown those now. I still suspect those play a role, but I may be mistaken.

I've got empty and serene days ahead of me when nobody will come here and disturb my peace and quiet. I have no domestic help coming here on Friday. She has a day off because of carnival. This weekend carnival is celebrated and here, down South, it is a very big deal for a couple of days. It's something you have to experience at least once and I have. I don't participate in it anymore now, but it is fun to do. You do have to be able to consume large quantities of beer.

I'm glad because of the empty days because I'm still grumpy and I'm not feeling very sociable yet. I discussed this with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is fine. As long as it is not bothering me personally and I am happy withdrawing inside my own comfort zone, he is not worried. He thinks it's a defense mechanism. It's when you have a little bit of an overdose of the world and you need some time on your own to recuperate.

I'm going to take advantage of the days and spend them as relaxed as is possible. I will pretend I'm ill and treat myself in that manner. That means I'll spoil myself. I won't do it otherwise. I always have to pretend I'm ill in order to completely relax and enjoy the days off. I still have to do my chores and walk the dog, but it will be with a different attitude that I do them and with less pressure on myself. I won't feel like I will be performing duties. 

I'm taking advantage of the nights too because I don't feel that I have to stick to a strict schedule. I'm enjoying these quiet hours in the darkness and feel pretty good. The painkiller is working and my back and shoulders feel a lot better. It's nice to be relieved of the pain and I can sit upright a lot easier now. I also don't feel the pressure that I have to be in bed by a certain time. I will go when I'm good and ready. The nights are always the times when I'm most relaxed and feel most at ease. I feel so protected by them. 

Take advantage of your best hours.

Ciao,

Nora