Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Aches and pains...

The muscles in my stomach ache from being unwell, but I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee successfully and I've also been able to drink a glass of milk and that is great news. I had to forego drinking the two for quite a while. This means that my stomach is slowly getting back to normal and my nerves are maybe slowly too. I do have to take a tranquilizer every now and then to steady myself, but I think that's a small price to pay for a stressless situation. Besides, I am worth it. 

Because I had hardly been able to eat anything, it was a relief to be able to drink the tall glass of milk. It was filling and nutritious and it did perk me up quite a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards and not so hungry. It was as good as having a small meal. The coldness of it was very pleasant and it also quenched my thirst.

The stress was coming from having too many things to do before my older sister gets here and me worrying about her health and her having a good enough time here. Now that I know this, because these feelings were creeping up on me subconsciously, I feel a bit better and more aware of what the problem is and able to deal with it. In the morning I will take care of everything that needs to get done and not worry about anything else. 

At least I feel well enough physically to be able to take care of things and no longer so ill. That is quite a relief. 

It's tough when your mental problem translates itself into a physical ailment, but once you are aware of it, there is a way to deal with it. I suppose that instead of taking a tranquilizer I could do some meditative exercises, but I'm not really the type to do them correctly to last for a long enough time. I find that taking a tranquilizer works quicker and better. I do rely on medication to get me out of the tough situations, but I am able to get off them when the time is right. 

It is with some amount of anticipation that I sit and think about the coming weekend. It is also Easter after all and my younger sister is giving a brunch for us all. I'm looking forward to that because I hope she is serving fresh croissants. I have been having a hunkering for them. I'm sure there will be something delicious to eat, although there's some question if my older sister and I will be able to partake much having the stomach problems that we do. There will be other people there to do the meal justice, though.

I suppose that I will go back t bed now and get some more sleep, although I'm not tired. Common sense tells me that I need to go back to bed. I can do the dishes instead. That may be a good idea also. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

The beguiling early morning...

I've just about had my cups of coffee and I'm more than awake and functioning. It is early in the morning and in a little while it will be dawn and the first birds will start to sing. At least, I hope they don't change their minds in this somewhat gloomy weather. It is going to be an overcast day with showers. 

I've been up for a little while because the dog barked and I had to silence him immediately for the sake of the neighbors. Needless to say, this caused me to be wide awake like it always does. It always startles me out of a sound sleep. It's a bad habit the dog has. 

It's not really all that bad to be awake now because I have a few chores to do before the day starts properly and putting out the trash is one of them. As usual, I forgot to do that last night. I can do it in just a little while before the trash men get here bright and early. I've got the bag all ready to go. All I have to do is haul it outside to the curb. 

I feel better now, but looking back, I can say that I had about four bad days when things weren't going well with me. Maybe it was for even a longer period of time and I was outshouting myself. I may have been uncomfortable with myself for as long as a week. I'm starting to feel back to 'normal' now. 

It necessitated me taking extra medication to make it through the day and I really thought that I was in it for the long haul. This was beside the increase that I had already made. I did discuss this with my psychiatrist and although he wasn't thrilled about it, he allowed it as long as it was necessary. I didn't need it yesterday and maybe now I can get back to the regular dose.

It's awful to be unbalanced and to feel that you are losing the direction over your daily life. To feel that you are entering a state of madness when you seriously doubt your own reasoning powers and your ability to make clear deductions about your thoughts. All roads lead you to the wrong place and that is into the dark hole where there is confusion. 

I don't feel that way now. I can think clearly again. 

It is my own sister who deduced yesterday that I always do badly when she is gone. She had just come back from a week in Italy and I think she is right. I think subconsciously I get very insecure when she is gone. I miss the daily contact that we have on the phone and the knowledge that she is very close by when I need her. If I need her. 

It's dawn now, but for some reason I have not heard the birds sing. Maybe I missed the early concert completely. I have switched to drinking cold milk and very welcome that is too. The dog is sitting in front of the window waiting for the trash men to come by. He does know the Monday morning ritual after having watched me put out the bag. 

I've got to choose my clothes for today and they have to be warm. It's not going to be such a comfortable day outside. The temperatures will be low and there will be wind. I will walk the dog early and then I will tackle the chores. 

The other night, I watched the film 'Angels and Insects' on YouTube. Now I've seen the film before I've finished the book. I'm still interested in the book because I'm sure lots of detail was left out in the film. 

I didn't realize that you could watch whole movies on YouTube and I wonder which other ones are available. I know that the very first 'Harry Potter' is on there. I am going to see what other kinds of movies I can find there that I'm interested in.

Right, I'll get the show on the road. I hope you'll all have a good day. Low pressure systems notwithstanding. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Moving along quietly...

I feel serenity as I sit here in the middle of the night behind the computer with a cup of coffee. It's a very pleasant feeling and I'm grateful for it. I feel it often enough to know that I can count on it and I sure appreciate its regular presence in my life. I often wished for it when I was younger and now that I'm older and wiser and appreciative, I'm glad that it's part of my daily life. 

I have long moments throughout the day and night that I'm struck by this feeling of serenity and contentment. I find myself blessed by it. I don't analyze it, but accept it for what it is, and that is the complete absence of aggravation and stress. Some things are attainable in the end and serenity is one of them. I hope that I will always find contentment in the sheer act of being alive. 

I find that I'm happiest in my own company and that the feeling of serenity is strongest when I'm all by myself. I do enjoy the time spent with other people, but it doesn't have to be long. An hour or so is more than enough. It's like getting your tank filled and cruising along down the road on your own and enjoying the scenery, though the scenery I see is all in my head and is made up of uncomplicated thoughts and images.

I do get pulled off my path by daily life as it happens with its minor complications, but I try to keep the chances of that happening to a minimum. My whole life is carefully tuned to avoid major obstacles. I find that the big ones are those that take place in my own head and I can realign them. Painful memories are the ones that come to mind immediately, but I've found a way to deal with them. I no longer get bogged down in them. 

It's been two days since the last reduction in my anti-depressives and I've had no adverse reactions yet, but then again, I wasn't expecting any. I do these reductions with a lot of optimism and with the assumption that all will be well. I do anticipate some possible reactions, but just assume that I will deal with them and so far there have been no really bad ones. 

Once in a while I think I feel something unpleasant and I'm somewhat on edge, but it is of a passing nature and something I get through and it is not serious enough to break my head over. I get over it by sitting in my armchair quietly and doing a bit of meditating while all around me it is silent. It is not too hard to get into this state of mind having enough experience with it now. 

At least my first reaction to an unpleasant feeling isn't to reach for a pill to make it go away. I have enough faith in myself to know it will pass on its own and that it's temporary as all feelings are. I can always aim for the higher goal of serenity and exist in that sphere. There's seldom a need to panic.

I think I will go back to bed. I'm sufficiently sleepy now. My bed is still the best place to be early in the morning. 

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora