Dull moments in the closet...

I sit here not quite awake drinking my cup of coffee. There's fog in my head still from the nap I just took. I hope to any minute now become more clearheaded, but it may take me a while. In the meantime, I will just enjoy this state of mind to the best of my ability. It does add another dimension to my thinking capacities. The fact that they are a little impaired doen't bother me all that much. Goodness knows what I'll come up with. 

My mascara was smeared by one eye when I got up, but that was quickly fixed. I still look decent enough to go walk the dog in a little while. Besides, it is dark outside and no one will see. It's not as if I'm going out on a hot date and the dog makes no objections at all if my make up isn't on right. That's the one drawback of dogs, I do think they ought to be more critical of your looks. And more appreciative too. 

At least my nails are properly polished and my hands look decent with my rings on them. I almost look like a lady and I could be mistaken for one. I'm certainly dressed like one because I'm wearing a very ladylike dress. It comes from my closet hardly worn because it didn't fit me all that well before. It sure does look good now. Losing a few kilos made all the difference. It's a tight fitting dress, at least it was. It's a little roomier now. 

I'm glad I rediscovered it. Delving into my closet every now and then can be a rewarding experience. I always find something that I had forgotten about. I don't know if I should blame that on my bad memory or on my abundance of clothes. I don't think I have that many clothes. I do regularly take things out of the closet and put them away. I really wish I had an abundance of shoes and boots because I never seem to have enough of them. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. I would like to find boots I had forgotten about.

The coffee has woken me up to a point and it has also made me very thirsty. I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That will play some other tricks with my mind and my stomach. There's never a dull moment around here. Well, actually there are. I just refuse to recognize them as such. I just pretend they are meditative moments. I have them regularly during the day. 

I always pretend my life is more interesting than it is. I have to use my imagination a lot and care about things that are really not very important. I have to make the little things big and give them lots of meaning. That´s why I always say that you have to care about them. If you do, they will fill up your life and give it contentedness.

I have to take the dog for a walk. He´s been waiting patiently beside me. It is cold and dark outside so I will have to dress for it. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Giving it a try...

I've been in a somewhat bad mood for the past two days, but now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I'm going to take advantage of it and try to write a cheerful post. The somewhat weak, yet potable coffee is helping me be in a more optimistic mood, but maybe it's the hour of the night that's helping me be more cheerful. I do always do better at this time of my 24 hour cycle. 

The coffee is weak because I'm almost out of it and I have just enough left to make a pot in the morning when I get up again. By that time I will be out of milk, but there's the powdered creamer left. I'm counting on the Exfactor being here on time to save me from my dire situation. I will drink rooibos tea if I have to, it does agree with me as opposed to regular tea, which gives me lots of phlegm and coughing fits. 

My daytime moods have been very negative and make me not be productive at all. I sit around like a bump on a log and do a lot of sleeping. I can't get excited about very much at all and only take out the dog because I have to. My level of motivation is very low. 

There's a commercial on TV for a soft drink in which people turn into a splash of water and scatter like many drops of it into the air. I've been wanting the same thing to happen to me. To just dissipate into thin air and to vaporize completely. What a perfect way to stop existing. If only it were that simple.

I guess I'm looking for a painless way out. An easy solution that only exists in fiction.

Now, however, it is nighttime and there is a different set of circumstances. I must look at the glass half full, though the coffeepot and the milk container are empty. I guess it's time to drink tea. 

I don't know what my day is going to look like, except that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. More than anything I would like for my mood to improve. I would like for my sense of peacefulness to return. I must find my inner center of calm and concentrate on that and try to find contentment in the little things. 

There's going to be an episode of Inspector Frost on tonight. That's something to look forward to. There's also mail to open. I look less forward to that. It's a minor miracle that I even got it out of the mailbox yesterday. I prefer no mail at all because whatever it is, it's almost always mail I don't want.

I'm sufficiently tired now to want to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. I may waste this day on nothing important at all. If I regain my equilibrium then that would be an achievement. I think doing some dishes and a load of laundry is called for. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Moving along quietly...

I feel serenity as I sit here in the middle of the night behind the computer with a cup of coffee. It's a very pleasant feeling and I'm grateful for it. I feel it often enough to know that I can count on it and I sure appreciate its regular presence in my life. I often wished for it when I was younger and now that I'm older and wiser and appreciative, I'm glad that it's part of my daily life. 

I have long moments throughout the day and night that I'm struck by this feeling of serenity and contentment. I find myself blessed by it. I don't analyze it, but accept it for what it is, and that is the complete absence of aggravation and stress. Some things are attainable in the end and serenity is one of them. I hope that I will always find contentment in the sheer act of being alive. 

I find that I'm happiest in my own company and that the feeling of serenity is strongest when I'm all by myself. I do enjoy the time spent with other people, but it doesn't have to be long. An hour or so is more than enough. It's like getting your tank filled and cruising along down the road on your own and enjoying the scenery, though the scenery I see is all in my head and is made up of uncomplicated thoughts and images.

I do get pulled off my path by daily life as it happens with its minor complications, but I try to keep the chances of that happening to a minimum. My whole life is carefully tuned to avoid major obstacles. I find that the big ones are those that take place in my own head and I can realign them. Painful memories are the ones that come to mind immediately, but I've found a way to deal with them. I no longer get bogged down in them. 

It's been two days since the last reduction in my anti-depressives and I've had no adverse reactions yet, but then again, I wasn't expecting any. I do these reductions with a lot of optimism and with the assumption that all will be well. I do anticipate some possible reactions, but just assume that I will deal with them and so far there have been no really bad ones. 

Once in a while I think I feel something unpleasant and I'm somewhat on edge, but it is of a passing nature and something I get through and it is not serious enough to break my head over. I get over it by sitting in my armchair quietly and doing a bit of meditating while all around me it is silent. It is not too hard to get into this state of mind having enough experience with it now. 

At least my first reaction to an unpleasant feeling isn't to reach for a pill to make it go away. I have enough faith in myself to know it will pass on its own and that it's temporary as all feelings are. I can always aim for the higher goal of serenity and exist in that sphere. There's seldom a need to panic.

I think I will go back to bed. I'm sufficiently sleepy now. My bed is still the best place to be early in the morning. 

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora