Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Olfactory sensations.

I have the smell of spaghetti with bolognese sauce in my head, topped with a good helping of Italian cheese. I could swear there was a plate full of it in the kitchen and just to make sure, I even went to look, but I was disappointed. I checked the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator to see if I could make it myself, but of course, I didn't have the ingredients.

That's the olfactory sensation I woke up with in the middle of the night and wasn't it a frustrating one, because I can taste that spaghetti as if it's standing in front of me. I must have a terrible longing for a good helping of it. I'll have to get that out of my head as quickly as possible and maybe I can do it by having a cup of tomato soup. That may be the cure for it, though I would still like some cheese on top of that. 

Maybe just having a tall glass of ice cold milk will take care of it, as it takes care of all my cravings as a rule. It seems to be a cure all for everything. Even for the longing for Belgian chocolates. First I've got to have another cup of coffee. I have to be able to think straight and only the caffeine can achieve that, or so I think. 

It's actually not a cold night. It's 72F outside and inside it is very pleasant also. I'm sitting here in only my pajamas with bare feet. My feet are hot for some reason and I long to put them in a basin with cold water, but it would get messy here and I don't want to electrocute myself. I will put lotion on them in a little while and find refreshment that way. 

The dog always wants to lick the lotion when I apply it, so I have to rub it in quickly. I'm sure it's not good for him. He has strange tastes. The other day, he ate a raw zucchini with the greatest of appetites. It was like he had longed for it his whole life. Next, he's going to be eating Brussels sprouts. He also likes Mandarin oranges.

It's going to be a quiet day today and I'm going to enjoy it. Remember what I said about having that weekend feeling during the week? I'm going to apply it now. That means I'm not going to have that during the week stressful feeling. I will try to be as relaxed as I can get while still taking care of my chores and responsibilities. 

I also think that the increase in my anti-depressives is working now because I feel a lot better. That gloomy black dog is not following me around any more and I feel a lot more upbeat. Things weigh a lot less heavy anyway. I do them with much less anxiety and neuroses. Neuroses are a great thing to drop by the wayside. They are totally useless barbed things that leave you exhausted and hurt.

It's time to drink cold milk and that will leave me at a loss for words. It always seems to stop my flow of words, so I feel called upon to prove otherwise. I must write something down that makes sense. It also makes me instantly cold and I have to put on my bathrobe. Apparently, I will not have hot feet for much longer.

At least I've gotten over my longing for spaghetti with bolognese sauce. That's just a faint memory now. It's a good thing that you can't give into every craving that you have or you would get enormously fat. It's best to keep the cupboards and refrigerator as bare as possible. At least down to the most basic items so you don't fall into temptation.

I've got to go back to bed now. My brain isn't functioning anymore. Not well enough to finish writing this post anyway. I will hopefully sleep for a long time in the morning and then leisurely wake up with a cup of coffee and the news. 

Have a good day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Let's try that again...

It's late at night and I had started to write another post, but it was such a stressed one, that I deleted it and took an anti-psychotic tablet. I waited until it started to work before attempting to write this one. Hopefully, it will be mellow enough and serene so that I will be happy with it. I do dislike writing fraught and distressed posts. They're not good ways to get your point across, whatever that point may be. 

I've made myself some coffee and am trying to get as relaxed as possible. It's hard after these past days of inner turmoil, but I think I'm getting back on my feet again, although that may be the courage of the medicines speaking. I certainly don't feel 'normal.' I feel as though I've been in an accident and I'm still in full recovery from it. That's what a meeting with an ex-husband will do to you. 

I think it will take me some time to regain my balance and it's made worse by the knowledge that he will be in town again next month. I don't know how to deal with that yet. I have to recuperate from this first and discuss it with my SPN and talk to my psychiatrist about the use of the extra medication. I'm sure I need some good advice and feedback. This is not something that I can handle on my own.

In the meantime, I have to make the most of the night. I'm not as relaxed as I'd like to be and I feel an awful lot of pressure to go to bed, while there is really no rush to and I'm not sleepy yet. I would like to be carefree again, but it seems impossible right now. 

Sleep tight, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Catch up...

I had told myself that I couldn't spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn't counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 

I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I've eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It's very irritating and doesn't stop until I've gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 

It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don't mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can't during the day, or so I've told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.

I find that I'm much more relaxed during the day if I'm not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It's much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I'm not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That's my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn't need to be explained into the minutest detail.

I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that's something I'm going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It's worth the missing hours of sleep, which I'll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It's okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don't make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don't want them to think I have forsaken them. 

So, without much further ado, that's what I'll go do now. I hope you're all sound asleep or if not, that you're having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you're in. 

Ciao,

Nora

At the stroke of midnight...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here with a big mug of coffee and a cigarette. I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can be and not worry about a thing. I don't actually have that much to worry about, but I just feel the general sort of tension that comes with being alive. My shoulders and back are tight and sore and I'm trying to relax them. I could use a good massage. Instead I have taken a painkiller and it should work shortly. It will probably also put me to sleep because it has codeine in it.

I've developed a cough and I think I have just a touch of bronchitis. No doubt that has to do with the time of year and the weather. It's been so cold and damp, although yesterday we had partial sunshine and will have again today. The humidity is high, though. When I was a child, I used to get bronchitis at this time of the year. I had some issues with allergies too, although I'm supposed to have outgrown those now. I still suspect those play a role, but I may be mistaken.

I've got empty and serene days ahead of me when nobody will come here and disturb my peace and quiet. I have no domestic help coming here on Friday. She has a day off because of carnival. This weekend carnival is celebrated and here, down South, it is a very big deal for a couple of days. It's something you have to experience at least once and I have. I don't participate in it anymore now, but it is fun to do. You do have to be able to consume large quantities of beer.

I'm glad because of the empty days because I'm still grumpy and I'm not feeling very sociable yet. I discussed this with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is fine. As long as it is not bothering me personally and I am happy withdrawing inside my own comfort zone, he is not worried. He thinks it's a defense mechanism. It's when you have a little bit of an overdose of the world and you need some time on your own to recuperate.

I'm going to take advantage of the days and spend them as relaxed as is possible. I will pretend I'm ill and treat myself in that manner. That means I'll spoil myself. I won't do it otherwise. I always have to pretend I'm ill in order to completely relax and enjoy the days off. I still have to do my chores and walk the dog, but it will be with a different attitude that I do them and with less pressure on myself. I won't feel like I will be performing duties. 

I'm taking advantage of the nights too because I don't feel that I have to stick to a strict schedule. I'm enjoying these quiet hours in the darkness and feel pretty good. The painkiller is working and my back and shoulders feel a lot better. It's nice to be relieved of the pain and I can sit upright a lot easier now. I also don't feel the pressure that I have to be in bed by a certain time. I will go when I'm good and ready. The nights are always the times when I'm most relaxed and feel most at ease. I feel so protected by them. 

Take advantage of your best hours.

Ciao,

Nora

A Saturday interruption...

While it was really my intention to get dressed and do some chores, I've decided to drink some coffee and sit behind the computer for a while instead. I just got up and don't quite feel like moving around yet. I've just fed the animals and now Tyke is on his perch on the dining table looking out the living room window, watching the wind blow dried leaves down the street. He will be amused by that for a while. It's dog television.

I'm drinking some coffee and am thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of the day and what is most important. There are some jobs that are pressing and I'm going to try and get those done today so I won't have to think about them anymore. They keep nagging me at the back of my mind and that's not fun. I never feel that I can quite relax until they get done. Call it my sense of responsibility. I must get them over and done with before I can sit down and start reading a new book. 

I finished reading Laurie Hertzel's book that's in my sidebar and that I can heartily recommend. Her description of her trip to Soviet Russia and her discovery of the Finnish Americans there was especially interesting.

It does mean that I have to look through the unread novels on my bookcase and find a good one to read. I've just gone through a period during which I didn't read much and whatever novel I choose, has to grab my attention well. I want to sit in my armchair and really install myself and spend some hours reading and not feel distracted by anything. I want to have the kind of book that I can get lost in.

I must get dressed and go out in the windy weather and walk Tyke. He is begging to go out. I will do my chores afterwards. It will feel good to get them done and spend the rest of the day easily. 

I hope you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Unbelievably so...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and if it were summertime, the sun would be coming up now. That's how I excuse my early presence here. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I've just answered my emails and let Tyke out back. It was a little bit cold out there and I stood by the back door in my tank top and pajama bottoms. It was very refreshing, but now I've put on my bathrobe. I'm not that hardy. I did have goosebumps.

Since it's Sunday today, it is officially a day of rest, although you may say that I've had one of those yesterday too. I know I did, but it wasn't official, I was sort of cheating then. Yesterday was a wasted day and I bow my head in shame when I think back on it. It was a day that I have nothing to show for and that is not something I'm proud of. The day slipped through my fingers like loose sand at the beach. I somehow, despite all the rest I'm supposed to get, hope to make up for it today and make it a worthwhile day. How I propose to do this is a mystery to me yet, but hopefully I'll think of something. 

Actually, what I forgot to do yesterday was plain enjoy myself. I was rather uptight all day long and didn't really relax. I didn't even take the time to just sit in my armchair to enjoy the solitude. The times that I could have, I turned on the television and watched programs that I wasn't really interested in. I think I felt uptight because I had cut down on my anti-depressives, and despite my resolve not to let that bother me, I think it did subconsciously influence me, as if I was expecting something to go wrong. I was just a bit on edge. 

Nothing really went wrong and at the end of the day I felt fine. When I went to bed I was perfectly normal and in a good enough state of mind. I really think that I had worried for nothing, even though it was only on a subconscious level and with hindsight. I misjudge the power of the pills, although at the same time I don't underestimate them. I do know they play an important part in the workings of my psyche, but I know that it's not so bad that I can't reduce them safely up to a point. I suppose I should say that I underestimate the strength of my own psyche and the fact that I am capable of dealing with my feelings. 

You do learn something new every day and you're never too old to learn, or maybe they are the same lessons you learn over and over again, just in a slightly different form so you don't forget them. There does seem to be a lot of repeat, but that maybe due to my foolhardiness. It's very well possible that all people are foolhardy and that we're all learning the same lessons over and over again. Maybe they don't really stick until we get older and they are engraved well enough into our brains. 

It's been a pleasure to sit here and write this, but I do think that I have to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not nearly time to start the day. I am starting to yawn and that is a sure sign that I'm not done sleeping yet. It will be nice to get back into bed for a few more hours. 

Have a good day, all of you. Or a good night if you're about to. 

Ciao,

Nora

The first cup...

I'm sitting here with my first cup of coffee, soon to become my second cup, because I've almost finished it, greedily as I'm drinking it. I do want to get the cobwebs out as quickly as I can this morning, because I figure that every minute counts. Oh sure, I have hours of time before my personal helper gets here, but that time goes by quickly when you're having fun, as I'm about to have. 

I'm thoroughly going to enjoy every minute of those hours doing nothing but blog and answer emails, and yes, also do some chores. But if that is true, why am I sitting here on the edge of my seat as if I am about to take off into the 'I don't know where?'  I do have to relax in order to be able to enjoy myself. I can't sit here with a tightly folded into itself body that's about to be triggered into an explosion of uncontrolled movement. 

I've just taken my medicines and readjusted the way I sit in this chair. I have everything loose now and am very consciously trying to stay that way. I'm trying to stay grounded. I'm paying attention to the relaxation of all my muscles and my breathing. I'm becoming aware of all the little aches and pains and know that I have to pay attention to them and not ignore them. I stop sitting hunched over and straighten my back. There's so much to remember. 

At least I'm not about to take off from my chair anymore. I'm going to have a tall glass of cold milk next. 

That does necessitate putting on my bathrobe, because that cools your body off quite a bit, a glass of cold milk does. But I'm much more relaxed now and I feel a lot better. I can better enjoy writing the rest of this post now. 

I went to bed late last night, I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. At least I had enough sense to go to bed, because I really had to force myself to. I wasn't sleepy when I went and could have stayed up longer. I wanted to be sensible, though, and get some amount of normal sleep anyway. I did want to be in halfway decent shape this morning. 

When my personal helper gets here, I want to be ready to get things done. That really means that I have to take a shower before she gets here, but I do so hate taking showers and really need to be motivated for them. Somebody needs to make me take them. It's the antiquated shower system that makes me hate taking showers so much. Some things in 'cheap' apartments in the Netherlands are simply abysmal. 

Well, I've told you enough trivial things now, I think. I must move on to other things. There are other blogs not to neglect and to write trivial things in.

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora