Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's 2011...

I realized that this time Christmas and New Year's Eve weren't as bad as last year, because they were the second time since my divorce that I lived through them on my own. The first time was much harder. I was very consciously aware that I was on my own and I felt sorry for myself. I had no such problem this time and made it through just fine. I felt very independent and sure of myself and like the solitude was a choice and not something that was forced on me. I was comfortable with my own company and I didn't feel lonely. 

Last night, at the stroke of midnight, I cuddled and kissed Tyke and wished myself a Happy New Year. I couldn't cuddle and kiss Gandhi, because she was hiding from the noise of the fireworks. She didn't show up until an hour later. I petted her then and she followed me to the bedroom where I could finally get into bed along with Tyke very cozily. I was asleep soon after that. It does wear you out to listen to a barrage of fireworks for nearly one hour. 

Tyke did well. He was a little bit scared, but stayed close to me and I petted him the whole time and soothed his sometimes trembling body. He didn't bark or whine and I thought he was very brave. 

I'm very much aware that this is a new year and I do have certain expectations of it. I have not really made any resolutions. I still have the ones I made along the line last year and I'll continue on with those. They are very simple ones. Just some things I have determined to do for myself. Eat healthy, live frugally, be social and look at the bright side of things. Learn lessons from everything that happens. Nothing happens by chance. 

It's late in the morning now and I have been sitting here for a while drinking coffee as if I have a hangover. I drank milk at midnight. No alcohol for me. I would have enjoyed a cold white beer, but I didn't have any in the refrigerator. I survived without it too. It isn't necessary to celebrate every significant event with booze. It's a myth that it puts us in a better mood. Alcohol is a depressant, so who needs that? 

I'm going to see my sister and her friend this afternoon. She will come and get me so I won't have to ride my bike through the sludge that is the thawing snow and ice. That's a relief. I must eat something before I go. To celebrate the new year, I will eat something festive from my care package. The best thing I've been eating from it was the aged cheese. I have a piece of that every day and it's quite good. I'm down to the last piece now and I will have that tonight, providing I have room in my stomach. It depends on what else I've eaten. 

I must get dressed in something festive too. I must enter the new year correctly with the right amount of color. It won't do to look drab. 

Tyke and I will take a walk through what's left of the snow. There's actually quite a bit of it still. It isn't thawing fast enough for me and on Sunday night it is supposed to start freezing again. I hope they got that prediction wrong, because the street isn't nearly clean yet. It will be nice to be out in the fresh air and not break my neck in my new boots. They have proved to be very steady.

Hava Happy New Year all of you! May it be the best year ever. 

Ciao,

Nora