Nightly mishaps...

I really need one more cup of coffee before I start writing this and I will take care of that shortly. It ought to get me in the proper mood to turn out some good prose. I'm still a bit struck by sleep and I'm not sure if I should have gotten up already. I thought I was awake when I opened my eyes, but it may have been a miscalculation. 

Any moment now the caffeine is going to do its job and jolt my brain into alertness and I will be right as rain. I will be better than that, I will be great. Not that I will have delusions of grandeur, I won't be as bad as all that. I will just feel terrific because I always do when I get a caffeine high.

If I ever got stranded on a deserted island, I would have to have coffee and cigarettes with me. On the other hand, it might be a chance to get over my addictions for good. I would have to live on the fruits of the land and the sea and I would hope to get stranded on a bountiful island. God only knows how healthy I'd get. 

I think the caffeine I've consumed in the meantime has done its job. I've sat here and had a huge fantasy about that deserted island. I feel wide awake and very alert. All the gears in my head are working faultlessly. If I ever were to become a writer of literature, I would have to do all my work very early in the morning when everybody else was still asleep. I'd have to drink a lot of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes and take advantage of my most productive hours.

Those certainly aren't during the day when I don't get much of anything done. Well yes, with a little bit of luck I get my chores done, but that's not very imaginative. Anybody can do that.

Well, so much for that temporary high of the coffee. It didn't last and I've come back down to earth. Now I'm just an ordinary mortal like everybody else. My head's readjusted itself again and I'm no longer existing in higher spheres. It was too much of a good thing anyway and this state of being is much more realistic. Being high on caffeine is a very artificial way to get in touch with your imagination. It's a lot of hot air that you spout.

I'm glad that I'm myself again because I didn't know what to do with myself the way I was. I think I was running a little bit rampant, especially if you could have seen where those fantasies about the deserted island took me. I had an earthquake and a tsunami all built in and a high hill to flee to. And a broken down and sodden encampment on the beach. 

I'm drinking my second tall glass of cold lemonade. That's better than drinking more coffee. I do have to keep an eye on that and not let myself be seduced by the immediate effects of the caffeine. It has just as much allure as alcohol does. I get a kick out of it. 

I finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed last night before I went to sleep. I never did get around to that this weekend. I put on clean pajamas and was asleep five minutes after I laid down. Gandhi slept on my stomach and was still there when I woke up. She always thinks my stomach is the best place to lie down on because it's like a cushion. She kneads it like it's a ball of dough. Luckily, she doesn't use her nails. She's a kind and considerate cat. 

I will think about going back to bed for awhile. This morning the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries, but I have lots of time before he gets here. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and after that one with my SPN. I'll have to go to the pharmacy after that and that will take care of my afternoon. It's supposed to be 17C today (62F) and the sun is going to shine. I may not have to wear my scarf. It will be the first time. 

Have a good day, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday again...

Having gone to bed early last night, I'm up early this morning too and drinking coffee and having myself a splendid time. I can't get enough of the early morning hours when everything is so peaceable and serene and I am the only person awake on the block. At least I assume I am. I thought I heard some noise in the stairwell earlier, but all is quiet now. No doubt that was a neighbor coming home from a late night out. The bars don't close until the wee hours of the morning and there are those stubborn enough to take advantage of that. 

I slept well between clean sheets with both the animals on the bed. This does not leave that much room for me, but I manage. I do wake up with a sore knee, but I would regardless. It always takes me a while to get over it after I've gotten up and it takes some time to get comfortable. I think Tyke lies in waiting for me to open my eyes, because he is always looking at me when I do and ready to be greeted. Gandhi is tucked in beside my pillows and looks like a little ball of fur.She doesn't get up when we do, but keeps right on sleeping. 

The first thing I do when I walk into the living room is turn on the computer and then walk into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I try to measure the ground coffee properly into the filter so that I don't make it too strong and I succeeded today. It is just right and I was not too generous like I have a tendency to be. I very often over optimistically put in too much ground coffee and make it much too strong taking away from the good flavor of it. Strong coffee does wake me up, but it makes me thirsty too, causing me to have to drink cold milk for the quenching of it. 

When I first wake up, I always have visions of many good things to eat, but those disappear into the background once I've had my first cup of coffee. I could raid the cupboards when I first get up. I want to eat all sorts of decadent things, but I don't have those in the apartment anyway. Imagine if I had a box of cookies or bonbons. No doubt I would be tempted to eat those. I would be tempted to stuff my mouth with them before I had time to properly think about it. I do have a jar of Nutella and in a weak moment I have spoons full of that. Little teaspoons full. It's one of my deadly sins.

Since today is Saturday, it's going to be a day of freedom. I will walk Tyke several times and hang up a load of laundry, but I don't have much else to do. There are no 'ought to's' in my life today. There will be sports on television and then some inane programs that are not worth watching. Luckily there is an off button. The best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, which I have not taken the time to do and today would be the perfect opportunity. My armchair is a good place to hang out in. I will also take the necessary naps on the sofa and contemplate my navel. 

It's going to rain today and that will be a perfect opportunity to hibernate. I will have the lights turned on in the living room and be cozy. I do like the rain when I'm inside. There something very soothing about the rain when you're not in it. Besides, even if I were in it, it wouldn't hurt me very much, because I have indestructible hair. If it got wet, all I'd have to do is rub it quickly with a towel and it would be in shape again. It's not going to be very cold and we're in for some mild weather. I think winter is really over now.

Enjoying my own company is what it's going to be all about this weekend. Luckily, I'm in a good enough mood to do that. I don't feel any of the discomfort that I felt last week when I was not so stable. I've managed to get on an even keel since then. I'm okay again by myself.

I will go back to bed again shortly. There's lots of time to sleep still. I don't have to get the day started early. I can sleep late and my warm bed does call me. I've started to yawn and that is a sure sign that I need some more sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Just make another pot of coffee...

I've just walked Tyke and the weather isn't nearly as lovely as it has been for the past couple of days. We had lots of sunshine, but now the sky is overcast and gray and they say it's going to rain this afternoon. It's chillier outside too and my short leather jacket was really not that warm to wear, but I refuse to put on my thick winter coat. I'm going to be the eternal optimist and pretend that springtime is coming. 

I want to put that winter coat away for the season and not wear it again. If I stubbornly wear my leather jacket, it's bound to get nicer outside just because I want it to be. I can always put on my thick warm scarf and be protected that way. I want to fool Mother Nature into thinking that she doesn't need to set free any more frost and cold wind on us. A little bit of rain is alright, that doesn't bother me. 

It's funny how quickly you get used to warm sunshine and daisies in the grass. You feel that this ought to be the weather from now on. It's very upsetting when the temperatures dip down again and the cold wind starts to blow. Well, it's relatively cold. It's uncomfortable anyway compared to what you had just got used to. 

I was feeling grumpy earlier this morning and I'm not sure if I completely got over it. I've decided not to worry about and to pay it as little mind as I can. I'm not going to do anything to give reason to let it come to the surface. I'm going to lie low. I will treat it with coffee and cigarettes and vanilla pudding. Those are the best things I can think of. I will only do pleasant things and I will decide what those are. They may include a chore or two. I'm not completely irresponsible.

I'm yawning even though I got enough sleep. I hope I don't have to take a nap on the sofa. Not that I'd mind that all that much. It is nice and warm in here and I can put the yellow fleece blanket over me. I really wanted to watch the news and read my book for a while before I did anything else. It's well written and worth the effort, because it is an effort for me to read a book. I don't do it as easily as I used to. I really have to plan it into my day. 

I'm going to proceed with the rest of the day. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied and entertained. Tyke and Gandhi need some attention and I need to fold the dry laundry.

I hope you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Always in the morning...

I made the mistake of looking at the alarm clock this morning, not realizing that it had stopped because the battery had died. According to it, it wasn't even early in the morning yet. I felt quite frustrated, because I was all done sleeping, but soon after that, I looked at my watch and saw that it was much later. I do have bad luck with batteries for the alarm clock and I hope this one is rechargeable. I'll have to invest in a package of rechargeable batteries. That shouldn't cost an arm and a leg and I do need them for other things as well. I'll put them on the shopping list for next Tuesday along with a bottle of vinegar to clean the coffeemaker. 

The coffeemaker is making a lot of protesting noises when it spits out the last bit of water into the filter and I know it is because of the hard water and the fact that I haven't cleaned it for a while. It's so easy to forget. I do have to take care of it, because it's a good coffeemaker, although I would prefer a Senseo machine, but I can't really afford one of those right now. I want to get a real one and not one of those cheap imitations that you see for sale sometimes. I have no faith in them at all. I think they'll break down in the shortest amount of time. 

Yesterday was a nice day, although it rained nearly all day. I didn't let that bother me and took Tyke for a long walk in the drizzle. I decided we needed some fresh air and some exercise. We both enjoyed it very much, apart from the fact that we got wet. That's not the worst thing that can happen, though. I pretended that I didn't have a sore knee and walked like it didn't bother me. I doesn't seem to have hurt me at all. It's going to be sore anyway, regardless of what I do. At this point, I think it's the cut that hurts me most. 

There was speed skating on television in the afternoon and that did provide some diversion. The Dutch men did well and I can only be proud of them. I do enjoy watching speed skating, as it's almost hypnotic to look at, especially if they skate a longer distance. It's a very relaxing sport to watch, while being exciting enough too. The commentary is always very good and professional and as unbiased as it can get. There's real admiration for the skaters from other countries, not just our own. 

I didn't get a lot of chores done, but then that didn't seem so important. There was not that much to do anyway. I played with Tyke a lot and gave him some of my undivided attention, which he appreciated very much. Gandhi participated as much as possible, unless it got too rough. She stuck as close to us as she could and retrieved Tyke's rubber toy when it got stuck under the chair. That was good, because I didn't have to kneel down and get it. That's kind of hard on my knee.

The Exfactor came by and I gave him some of my strong coffee and that quite perked him up. I saw him come to live. I think he'd only had tea, which proves my point that it's another beverage altogether. 

I went to bed early, despite my intention to stay up. By eight o'clock I was yawning something awful and longing to go to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there was no stopping it. I listened to the radio for a while, but there were football games on and that doesn't interest me all that much. It seems that football season is never over. If so, I must miss the break. I was thinking about putting on a CD when I fell asleep. 

This morning I will go back to bed for a while, because it's Sunday morning and there's no need to rush the day. There will be enough hours to be up to do things in. It's going to be cloudy and chilly today and there may be a shower now and then. It's not very exciting weather. Mostly very dreary. It's really the kind of weather that makes you want to have a hibernating Sunday, but I suppose I will go for another long walk with Tyke. We'll take the same route we did yesterday, because it was such a great success. It was just long enough to not be too exhausting. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

A cow jumped over the moon...

I just had to mightily entertain Tyke for a while. He decided that he was bored and that he needed lots of attention. I must have petted him for half an hour, at least, that's what my arm feels like. I think he's been sufficiently entertained now, but you never know. He's like a little kid on any Sunday afternoon. There's nobody to play with and there's nothing on television. It's too bad that I can't read him stories. 

I made myself a pot of coffee and sat in my armchair for a long time doing absolutely nothing but letting my mind wander. That's a good thing to do on a Sunday. It's a good day for contemplation. You just have to make sure that you don't get carried away with it, so you mustn't think too deeply. They have to be light and entertaining thoughts as much as possible. You mustn't start thinking that you have problems, because they are nearly nonexistent in the grander scheme of things. 

It's a good idea to look around you and to see how other people live their lives and how they deal with the problems that come their way. You find out that you don't do too badly. As a matter of fact, you may be surprised at how well you do. It's a good time to throw overboard your own mythology and to start believing in yourself. It's good to know that you aren't one extreme or the other, but something in the middle where it is comfortable to be.

The afternoon is coming to an end and so is the weekend. It's been a nice time off with not much to show for it, but then that wasn't my intention. Every day that is successful is one I strike up for posterity. To have as many successful days as possible at the end will be my legacy. I don't aim to leave behind much more than that. Happiness is my goal, the form of which I'll recognize if I'm open minded enough. 

Tyke's sound asleep by my feet. I hardly know where to put them. I'm sitting here with twisted legs so as to not step on him. He likes to get as close as possible. Gandhi is asleep on the red fleece blanket on the sofa. That's been her spot all weekend. I'm going to fix dinner, I'm hungry. Some rice will do nicely. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

It's 2011...

I realized that this time Christmas and New Year's Eve weren't as bad as last year, because they were the second time since my divorce that I lived through them on my own. The first time was much harder. I was very consciously aware that I was on my own and I felt sorry for myself. I had no such problem this time and made it through just fine. I felt very independent and sure of myself and like the solitude was a choice and not something that was forced on me. I was comfortable with my own company and I didn't feel lonely. 

Last night, at the stroke of midnight, I cuddled and kissed Tyke and wished myself a Happy New Year. I couldn't cuddle and kiss Gandhi, because she was hiding from the noise of the fireworks. She didn't show up until an hour later. I petted her then and she followed me to the bedroom where I could finally get into bed along with Tyke very cozily. I was asleep soon after that. It does wear you out to listen to a barrage of fireworks for nearly one hour. 

Tyke did well. He was a little bit scared, but stayed close to me and I petted him the whole time and soothed his sometimes trembling body. He didn't bark or whine and I thought he was very brave. 

I'm very much aware that this is a new year and I do have certain expectations of it. I have not really made any resolutions. I still have the ones I made along the line last year and I'll continue on with those. They are very simple ones. Just some things I have determined to do for myself. Eat healthy, live frugally, be social and look at the bright side of things. Learn lessons from everything that happens. Nothing happens by chance. 

It's late in the morning now and I have been sitting here for a while drinking coffee as if I have a hangover. I drank milk at midnight. No alcohol for me. I would have enjoyed a cold white beer, but I didn't have any in the refrigerator. I survived without it too. It isn't necessary to celebrate every significant event with booze. It's a myth that it puts us in a better mood. Alcohol is a depressant, so who needs that? 

I'm going to see my sister and her friend this afternoon. She will come and get me so I won't have to ride my bike through the sludge that is the thawing snow and ice. That's a relief. I must eat something before I go. To celebrate the new year, I will eat something festive from my care package. The best thing I've been eating from it was the aged cheese. I have a piece of that every day and it's quite good. I'm down to the last piece now and I will have that tonight, providing I have room in my stomach. It depends on what else I've eaten. 

I must get dressed in something festive too. I must enter the new year correctly with the right amount of color. It won't do to look drab. 

Tyke and I will take a walk through what's left of the snow. There's actually quite a bit of it still. It isn't thawing fast enough for me and on Sunday night it is supposed to start freezing again. I hope they got that prediction wrong, because the street isn't nearly clean yet. It will be nice to be out in the fresh air and not break my neck in my new boots. They have proved to be very steady.

Hava Happy New Year all of you! May it be the best year ever. 

Ciao,

Nora

Alone in the evening...

Having established that I have some kind of a bug, and that I am somewhat under the weather, I took an aspirin for my aches and pains and decided to be extra kind for myself. The aspirin is not working. I may as well have not taken anything, but you can't say I didn't try. I still ache all over, but maybe it's old age and I'm just now aware of it.

Maybe this is aches and pains and age awareness day. I'll try to have it made official and have it put on the calender. I really think that achy middle aged people need the recognition and that we should not hide our pain under a rock. Once you start to pay attention to your body, you realize you hurt all over, even down to your feet. It would be a shame not to get a day in the spotlight for that. I think we deserve it. We would be able to bitch and complain all day long.

No, besides having my usual aches and pains, I really do think I'm a bit under the weather, because I have a sore throat and a headache also and the aspirin did help those a bit. They're not as bad as they were, but I don't know if it's worth taking the aspirin for. It doesn't make that much difference. I'm not going: hallelujah, I'm feeling so much better now. 

I already showed these on my other blog, but these are the boots I ordered from Scapino that look like Ugg boots. They have a lining in them and are bound to be warm. They have profiled soles, which I hope will help me walk on the icy streets and sidewalks that may be clear of ice soon, because it's supposed to rain tomorrow and Sunday, which will make these boots unnecessary. Nevertheless, winter isn't over yet and no doubt I will need them later this season.

I am, once again, thrilled that it's the weekend. Will I never learn my lesson? I look forward to the unstructured time, while I know that can be a pitfall for me. I'm going to spend it being sick, or not and I'm going to feel great and enjoy the time in between showers and take Tyke for walks and avoid the slush that will be in the streets. 

The wind will come from the south west, so it will not be too cold. Ha, I'm an optimist. It's going to be 3 degrees Celsius and feel like minus 4. There's going to be a mix of rain and snow. I just looked it up. Well, I don't know what to make of that. Will the rain melt the snow or not? How curious! I can't wait for tomorrow. 

I've just gotten myself another cup of coffee. My attention was starting to wane a little bit. I need to be a bit more alert when I write a post. I can't sit here with a half awake head steeped in other thoughts than what I'm supposed to be paying attention to. It is very crucial to stick to the matters at hand. 

My personal helper did get here yesterday. She took the bus from her home in the hills into town and then walked to where she had to be. She was completely dressed for the snow and the cold and I had her thaw out first with a cup of coffee. She had to peel off layers of clothes and we thawed out her boots on a towel in the hallway by the radiator. She had to see clients in outlying villages after she saw me and had to walk to a bus stop to take the bus there. She had to leave here on time to get there, the poor thing.

I walked to the tobacco shop afterwards and discovered clean streets and fairly clean sidewalks where the city had sprinkled salt on the roads and the people had done the same on their parts of the sidewalk. It wasn't perfect, but nearly so. It did make me feel a lot safer, because although I was wearing my hiking boots, they didn't keep me from slipping the way I had hoped. They were pretty clunky as a matter of fact and I did not feel at all gracious in them. They never did bring me much comfort.

Tyke's finally settled down. He's gone sound asleep beside me. He did keep himself busy with all sorts of activities, including investigating why Gandhi was so fascinated with an empty cardboard box and he thought maybe he ought to be also. He did try to get into it, but was unsuccessful and it fell over, much to his surprise. Young dogs are so clumsy, especially when you compare them to cats.  Tyke's always knocking over things or bumping into them. It's amazing that he hasn't given himself multiple concussions yet when he chases his ball. He never even seems dazed by that. He's got a hard head. 

Gandhi is sound asleep on the sofa. She's tucked in like a hand muff. She's got a compact fluffy shape. She's such a good cat. She doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I hope she lives for a very long time.  I think she is nine years old now. I'll have to check her passport. 

No, she is not going to be nine until April next year. People always think she is a lot younger, though. Tyke is going to be 21 months old tomorrow. I'll buy him a cupcake for his 2nd birthday.

Well, that's it for me. I've got to read some blogs until I get tired enough to go to bed. 

Have a good night!

Ciao,

Nora

Around the bend...

The day has gone by quickly and already it is the end of the afternoon.The day has been overcast almost all day and it didn't get warmer than 34F degrees. Still, I did not experience that as cold and I think I'm just getting used to it, although it may be the absence of any wind that may have something to do with it too. The sun is about to set and I will have to turn the lights on in the living room.

The domestic help has been here and left me with a clean apartment. She folded the dry laundry and did the dishes, unasked for. She's a bundle of efficiency. She cuddles Tyke and plays with him and Tyke is crazy about her. He eagerly waits behind the front door when she's rung the intercom and nearly jumps in her arms. Then he runs and gets one of his favorite toys and shows it to her proudly.

The first thing Tyke does, after she's vacuumed and mopped the living room floor, is get all his toys that have been gathered in one spot and distribute them all over the clean floor. It's hilarious and we always end up laughing about it. He doesn't like all his toys neatly in one place. We're supposed to trip over them and pretend it's an obstacle course. 

The dog gets spoiled by every woman who enters this apartment and he loves all of them.  He likes their good smells and their happy, light voices and their soft hands. He thinks they all come here especially for him and can't wait to bond with them. What he wants more then anything is a belly rub, but any kind of attention will do. Just being talked to makes him happy, but he loves a good perfume.  He's crazy about any woman who smells good.  One of my personal helpers always wears very good perfumes and Tyke very much would like to lie in her lap and never move from there.

Gandhi is just happy if she didn't get locked up in the same room with the vacuum cleaner, because she is scared of it. She does return as soon as it's turned off, because she is a member of the tribe and doesn't want to feel left out. She is very much a people cat and likes to be in the presence of company. As long as the vacuum cleaner stands silent and doesn't move around, she can stand walking past it. She does want to sit on everyone's lap, but people are funny about cats and are less tolerant of cat hair and the sharp nails that they imagine every cat has. People either love cats or dislike them a lot. It's not like with dogs. I've not had a lot of cat lovers here yet. Poor Gandhi. 

Tyke is telling me that it's time to go for a walk. Unfortunately, we have to wait for the delivery boy from the pharmacy to get here first. I hope he can be patient enough until that time. I'm going to have to distract him. 

I hope you all have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

We all fall down...

It's early on a Sunday morning and I'm having my second cup of very delicious coffee. For some reason it turned out really well today, so I must have had the magic touch when I put the ground coffee into the filter. Maybe slightly carelessly scooping is the best way to do it, instead of carefully measuring each spoonful. I was in a hurry when I made the coffee, because I was impatient for a cup and I couldn't make it quick enough. 

Luckily, the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my nice hot cup of coffee in no time at all. It just seems to take a while when you're waiting, but that's when you have to find a way to amuse yourself instead. I did that by answering emails. That's usually the first thing I do in the morning, though I'm barely capable of it at first because of the cobwebs. I do manage to fake it until I make it, I think, because I go about it very slowly, unless the answers are very simple. 

I went to bed very early last night. I realized that I was grumpy because I was tired and in need of sleep. I had no patience left for anything or anybody. I made myself a glass of black berry milk and took that to bed with me and listened to the radio. I made sure that Tyke and I had some quality bonding time, which he was in need of, and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep. Gandhi was sleeping beside my pillows.

I suppose that yesterday was a perfectly uneventful day. I paid bills and got my paperwork in order and found out how poor I was. That's always good to know for the rest of the pay period. Then you know how much you have left to spend on groceries. God forbid that you should eat too much. 

I had planned to take a nap in the afternoon, but I never did get around to that. I suppose I wasn't sleepy enough and wanted to save whatever there was for the nighttime. I walked Tyke when he needed to get walked and sat behind the computer. I did some chores, but there weren't that many to do that were urgent and I will finish today what I didn't do yesterday. I have to put clean sheets on my bed and I do want to do that today to make going to bed tonight as pleasant as possible. 

Since today is Sunday, it's going to be another quiet day. There will be speed skating and other sports on television and I will watch them most likely. I also have to make sure I watch the news this morning. There were manifestations all over the country yesterday against the cultural budget cuts that the new government is planning against the will of many. I think the attempts to call a halt to it, though, are useless, because this government is ruthless.

It's going to be a cold day today. I just let Tyke out back and there was a cold wind blowing from the east. I was shivering in my bathrobe. Even Tyke thought it was cold and came back in in a hurry. It's only going to be 44F, but because of the wind, it's going to feel colder. It will be no fun to take Tyke out for walks today. I'm not looking forward to that. I do so dislike being in the cold wind. I will have to wear my North Pole coat. My leather jacket is not going to be warm enough. 

I've had enough coffee for this morning and have switched to milk with blackberry syrup. It's very delicious and filling too. It takes care of my sweet tooth at the same time. It does give me that little sugar high and it makes the milk more interesting to drink. It makes it last twice as long, because I don't gobble it down all at once. I take delicate sips, if you can imagine that. It's an excellent discovery and for that kind of milk you pay a relative fortune in the supermarket. 

I've got to take my medicines. It's that time of the morning again. I've had to play ball with Tyke while I wrote this. That involves a lot of wrestling to get it away from him. 

Have a good Sunday!

Ciao,

Nora

Doo Wah Diddy...

I'm not quite awake yet, but pretending to be. I'm waiting for the coffee to get done and in the meantime, I'm having some milk. I tried to drink some juice, but my stomach violently protested and didn't want it. It was too acid, even the mild kind. I will not make that mistake again. 

I'm sure it has been the cause of the acid reflux I have been having at night. I had not put one and one together, but now I see the link. As a reaction to that, I have been sleeping on my back and not on my side anymore, because that seems to make it worse. It's as though things get squashed and my esophagus doesn't seem to like that.

I'm having my coffee now and a pleasure it is indeed. I expect to be fully functioning any minute. The coffee is mild too, because I don't make it as strong anymore, and I drink it with plenty of milk. It's not a cafe au lait, but it's getting close to it. It does make me burp, but nearly anything does nowadays, so that's nothing unusual. I think I have to invest in a bottle of Maalox. The pharmaceutical industry must be doing alright. It may be something to invest my precious money in. 

It was cold during the night, but I had the thermostat set low and the heater did not go on. It's still warm enough in the apartment, despite the cold outside. As a matter of fact, I was very warm under my duvet and woke up sweating, and on top of that, Tyke climbed  on my chest so I could hardly breath, but he saw it as a moment of complete togetherness. That's when I thought I had better get up. Gandhi was lying beside my head and things were getting a little bit too cozy. The animals do pick their opportune moments to show their love and affection. I've never had it so good.

When I got up, Tyke wanted to go outside, but I know he only wants to go hang out there and sniff around and not come back in for a long time, so I completely ignored him and he laid down on the sofa, slightly miffed. He and Gandhi are curled up together being peaceful now. I don't know how long my peace and quiet are going to last. 

Today is actually the day I'm going to see my SPN, it was not yesterday like I thought. I had the day wrong in my memory and had to check my agenda to find out. Probably it is better that I see her today, because yesterday was not such a successful day and I wasted a lot of it doing absolutely nothing but feel low and uneasy. It was one of those days in which I very much doubted my own capacity to make it through life successfully and when my belief in myself was very low. 

I suppose that everybody has days like that and that you just have to get through them in the best possible way and go to sleep and hope that the following day will be better. It proved to be right and I do feel better this morning and it is only with uneasiness that I look back at yesterday. It's such an awful thing to doubt your own mind and your capacity to think straight. 

All you have to do really is take the day off and not do anything important. Take a mental health day, like I would allow my kids to have when they were young and had a not so great day. That was a day to be relieved of your responsibilities and to get treated extra special. It's something you can do for yourself without feeling all sorts of guilt and remorse. I seem to have a problem with that, as if I need someone's permission to do it. Everybody needs a mental health day now and then. You do recuperate from them. 

I have more zest in life today and look forward to it. That means Tyke will get more of his regular walks and I will get out of my bathrobe quicker. All the things I worried about yesterday, I will not worry about today. Those were spooks in my head. 

The fact that I have very clean hair helps a lot too. And the fact that it is so very blond is another pleasant addition. It's probably getting more gray, but it seems like it is very blond. The gray hair is very finely sprinkled throughout and doesn't really show up. I don't have a thing to worry about yet and I'm going to let it all happen naturally. I'm not going to reach for the hair dye.

I have to get dressed now and walk Tyke in the cold morning air. It's 37F outside and foggy. Time for warm clothes. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee or two or three...

I've been in a stupor all day, unable to function even at the lowest level. I was seriously concerned about myself as I laid down for the umpteenth time on the sofa for a nap. What was wrong with me? Was I getting sick? 

Finally I made myself a pot of coffee, not expecting much, but some improvement anyway. I had my first cup and man, did I get improvement! It was like I had taken the elixir of life. Suddenly I was able to function again and my whole mood perked up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: a metamorphosis took place. I was a pathetic bit of human being before I had the coffee and I'm not anymore now. All it took was one cup of coffee and I'm having my second one now. Hoping for more improvement, no doubt. 

All I have to do now is get out of my bathrobe and into some clothes and not forget that I have to drink coffee in the morning. That it's absolutely crucial that I do. I have to get into some clothes, though, and finally walk Tyke who has only been out back so far. He's been very patient with me and slept while I slept and has not gotten into any sort of trouble.

Both Gandhi and he were very hungry when I woke up the last time. I asked Tyke if he wanted to eat and Gandhi started to meow very pathetically. Tyke got worried and started to shove her out of the way. Gandhi jumped on the kitchen counter and waited for her share of the can of dog food. When she was done eating before Tyke, he defended his bowl very bravely from any advances she made toward it. She finally gave up and went outside, doubtlessly to give herself a good wash. 

It has stopped raining and the sun is barely visible through the clouds. It peeks through every once in a while. It is starting to be the end of the afternoon and the sun is moving towards the horizon, behind the row of houses opposite me. I've wasted a large part of the day sleeping and I now have to make up for it. I have to do a few chores before I call the day quits. I'm kind of late with it, but better late than never. 

I'm not going to worry about which clothes I'm going to put on at this point. I'll just wear whatever is warm. It's 43F outside, so no time to worry about fashion. I do have my cute earrings in, so my face will look nice, although my hair is kind of messed up, but I will comb it into a halfway decent style. If you lay on your hair a lot, it does get squashed down into a funny shape. 

Okay, I have to get going. The coffee was great and so was sitting here for a while. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did with majestic mountains and alpine meadows. Wouldn't we have fun? 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Chores...

I've just cleaned up the kitchen and the living room and I did that quickly. Next, I have to hang up the laundry and make a shopping list. I'm really waiting for my medicines to start working and they should shortly, because I've taken them about an hour ago. I must say that I feel calmer than I did a while ago, so there is progress already without me realizing that there was. 

I'm drinking a glass of cold milk, because I'm all done drinking coffee. I made enough for three cups and I think that is more  than enough to start the day with. Actually, I don't finish the third cup, because it's too much to drink for me, so I could actually make less coffee. It's just habit that keeps me making the same amount every morning. That, and the concern that I might actually want more coffee one of these mornings. It's silly, though, because I never do. 

Tyke had wagged the ivy on the coffee table with his tail and leaves had flown all over the area rug. I just finished picking them all up. It's a neat trick that he did when he jumped on top of it. He does still do that every once in a while, but it is mostly a thing of the past. He does realize that the coffee table is out of bounds now. Sometimes his exuberant puppy brain takes over and he forgets and I have to get him off of it as quickly as I can. 

Gandhi is quite innocent of these shenanigans and hardly ever does anything bad, except for use the furniture as scratching posts sometimes, while she has three of those at her disposal. Cats are great at ignoring the obvious and using something  else instead. Jesker used to shove her out of the way when she did that and I'm trying to teach Tyke to do the same thing, but he hasn't quite caught on yet.

I've just cleaned up the bedroom of a shredded cigarette pack and made the bed. I will hang up the laundry next. Little by little I will get everything done. There will be too much laundry to fit on the drying rack and I will have to get creative with hangers on the shower curtain rail. The bathroom will be filled with laundry. It is too cold to hang it outside to dry. 

There, I've hung up the laundry and got almost everything on the drying rack. Now I have to take a breather. It was a lot of bending and stretching. I did my morning gymnastics. I suppose that now I'll get the washing machine filled up with the next load.

I have to get dressed next and make a shopping list and go to the store. I'm thrilled to pieces about this, but it can't be helped. I have to go or do without a lot of things and that is not possible. The fact alone that I have to get some cigarette lighters is enough to make me go there.

It was fun spending time with you while I did my chores. 

Ciao.
Nora

An especially slow start.

I can't seem to wake up today. I've tried it several times now and each time I have to go back to sleep. I don't know how much the rainy weather plays a role in this. It did make me feel like I was held captive in the apartment. Not that I minded that very much. It was quite cozy inside. At one point I slept on the sofa, in my bathrobe with my slippers on, in the company of Tyke and Gandhi. All of us just fit. We were all scrunched together.

A great tiredness lies over me. All I want to do is lie down places in my bathrobe and not move from there. I think it is a way of avoiding things I do not want to do. Instead of going out there in the big bad world, I hole up in here and play it safe. It's a survival tactic that I have when things get too scary for me. I better cancel today and pretend I don't have to do anything, otherwise I'm going to have a panic attack and I'll be in real trouble. Maybe I'll be able to get dressed. That will be something anyway.

Now that I've admitted to that, I'm having a panic attack, of course, and I've had to sit here for a while and try to suppress it. I've taken my tranquilizers in the hope that they will work soon.

My daughter sent me images just a while ago of our old house that we were most happy in through Google maps. It showed the house and the street. I think this got to me more than I realized, because I dream about that house several times a month. I have a horrible ache in my chest and a lump in my throat. I didn't want to move from that house, but was practically forced to, because my husband at the time wanted to make a promotion far away. 

I'm calming down now. The tranquilizers are working. It's hard to be confronted with your past. Especially when you think you've closed the book on it. Well, except for in your dreams. I suppose it's always there in my subconscious. Living and breathing its own life. There's a lot of grief there and it is all unresolved. 

I'm going to lie down now. I feel worn out. Like I've been put through the wringer. I must find some peace and quiet. 

Ciao,
Nora

Singing in the rain...

I went out shopping today. I had it in my head that I was going to go to some discount stores and be successful and find some good loot, so that's what I did. I made sure I was dressed properly and that my hairdo was halfway presentable and got on my bike and rode it to the shopping center. 

It wasn't very cold outside, nevertheless, I wore my winter coat and my thick scarf and was toasty warm. I was only wearing one pair of thin leggings, but I didn't get cold legs, so I must be tougher than I think I am. Or it must help to keep certain parts of you extra warm, such as your feet and neck and arms. 

It's only a theory, of course. I know you are supposed to keep your head warm and I certainly don't do that with my short haircut and no hat. I have a hard enough time keeping my hair looking nice without ruining it with my snow hat. I must find a better hat and for that I'll have to go to the department stores downtown where they have a large collection of hats to choose from. 

Anyway...I went to the textiles shop first where they have wonderful discounts and the first thing I spotted was underwear. Good cotton ones with a little bit of stretch in black. Four of them into the basket. A pair of gray leggings, also into the basket. A powder blue top with a cowl neck for 4.99, into the basket. My favorite deodorant on sale, two cans and you know where they went... I checked out a lot of other things, but they were not deemed good enough buys to go home with me, so I went to the cash register and paid a ridiculously small amount of money for my purchases. 

Then I went to the drugstore and made my way to the discount aisle. The bins were a bit of a mess and I had to poke around very well, but I did come up with a couple of items. A black scarf, which I didn't have yet, a black cardigan, which was packaged and which turned out to be much too small when I got it home, but I will give it to my much skinnier sister, 3 pairs of stud earrings that look like they're silver, but luckily are not because I'm allergic to silver, and to top it all off, I got Tyke 4 small containers of chicken and rice dog food. Oh yes, I also got 2 candy bars. 

When I got outside, I saw that it had rained and my bike was soaking wet, but that didn't matter because I went into the fashion shop next door where I saw a neat pair of boots on sale for 15 Euros, but not in my size. I also saw scarves there, but noticed that they were very delicate and that they would have runs in them in the shortest amount of time and they weren't worth the money. So, I left empty handed from there.

I rode my wet bike home and just as I got there, it started to rain and it hasn't stopped yet, so I was just on time. Tyke just about tore the bags out of my hands thinking rightly so that there was something in there for him, but I let Gandhi have some of the food too because she likes that stuff very much, even though too much of it makes her barf. Tyke loved it and had two portions of it and seemed like he was a happy dog. I ate my candy bars and was a happy woman.

And now I've got to go lie down for a little while because I'm tired. I've only had one tranquilizer so far today, so that can't be it. I must just be tired. I'll go lie down on the sofa with the red fleece blanket over me, nice and cozy. 

Hav a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Feeling much better now.

I was complaining in an earlier post that I was feeling wound up and obsessed, but after my medication started to work and I had two cups of coffee, I feel a lot better and I'm sure it is the combination of both that has saved me. I had not had any coffee since earlier in the day and I'm sure my body and mind were just in need of some, because I seem to thrive on it when it comes to my emotional well being. The medication was very welcome too and it calmed me down and made me feel serene.

Sometimes my mind is like a leaf tumbling in the wind and I don't know from one hour to the next how I will feel and I can go from despair to happiness in a short amount of time. They are very opposite states of mind that I fall victim to. I can be totally alright or completely not alright within the shortest amount of time without anything changing around me. It is an internal process that I hardly understand myself. I am very grateful when everything falls into place again and I feel what I assume is normal. I'm sure there is some ultra rapid cycling going on.

I was ready to go to bed a while ago because I felt so miserable, but now I'm more than able to stay up, even though I've got my pajamas on and my bathrobe. It's still early in the evening and there's no need for me to go to bed already. It is Saturday night, after all, and I am allowed a late night. I should be out in a café drinking beers with my buddies, but I don't have any of those and besides, I would get awfully drunk and not be able to make my way home. I can't see myself riding my bike home at night in an inebriated state. 

I keep running my hands through my newly cut hair and no matter what I do, it falls back into place the way it's supposed to. It's going to be the easiest hair to take care of. I'm looking forward to waking up with it and seeing how well it stayed in shape. Of course, it's going to be so easy to wash. All I have to do is stick my head under the faucet and shampoo it and rub it dry with a towel and it falls into shape automatically. It's a completely natural haircut. I could wash it three times a day if I wanted and I wouldn't have to worry about getting it into the right style.

Because the weather has cooled off considerably, I have to think of some different clothes to wear. I will have to start wearing layers again and I will have a good look in my closet and see what is there to choose from. It's something I look forward to, because I like combining clothes. I don't just like to put on a sweater, but prefer to wear several layers on top of each other that each show beneath the other. I've washed and ironed almost all of my clothes and there is a large selection. I've been wearing my denim skirts again with leggings and boots and it's fun to find tops to go with them. Each autumn I rediscover my clothes and the combinations I can make with them. It's time to be wearing scarves again too. I like to combine my clothes with scarves and I have a small collection to choose from, but one of them is my favorite and it is a green one and goes with a lot of my clothes and I always feel that when my neck is warm, the rest of me is warm too.

I have those really nice suede boots from Esprit and I have treated them against the rain and dirt, but I still won't wear them when it's raining outside. I just don't want to take the chance. I can wear my cowboy boots when it's raining and save the suede boots for dry days. I also have a pair of ankle boots, but I don't think they are going to have a long life. They were cheap and not really made for inclement weather. They are more for show than anything. I will wear them out in no time and have to toss them and have to buy a new pair. I will just have to spend some more money the next time and get a better pair. I do love to wear boots and like them better than shoes, so I'm always happy when the weather permits me to wear them. 

I have a collection of handbags too, but I always end up using the same one, although I do change them on occasion when I think I ought to give the other bags a chance. The one that I always use has the perfect shoulder strap and the perfect compartments to put all my belongings in, although it is not the most attractive handbag that I have. I have some that are much prettier, but they aren't as practical. In some of them, everything gets lost and I spend valuable time looking for my keys or mobile phone. Others don't have a shoulder strap and you have to hold them by the hand and that is such a bother, because if you do try to hang them on your shoulder, they always slide off. Then I have one that is like a backpack and it is really cute, but you always have to get it off your back if you want to get into it and the straps get in the way. So, it's always back to that old stand by, the practical black bag with all the handy compartments. One day I ought to go shopping and find a really good one that I can use for variety. 

You can tell that right now I'm really into clothes and accessories. For some reason that seems to be very important to me right now. Maybe it's because I got a haircut and I feel a little bit like a new woman. Maybe it is just because right now, this moment, I feel good and can concentrate on those things. Sometimes it's good to refocus your energy on the basics of who you are and I am very much my clothes and how well I care for myself. When I am depressed, I don't care about these things so much, so it's with renewed vigor that I do when I feel good.  

I do have to keep an eye on that ultra rapid cycling that I seem to be doing. I'm bouncing off the walls sometimes. I switch moods like a commuter switches trains and all this time I'm trying to find the magic formula to set everything right, while I have no idea what I'm doing half of the time. It's overtaking me like rapidly moving traffic on the highway. I must be very aware. I wish I had an early warning system. Like sirens going off.

My orange juice is all gone and now I'm drinking lemonade, which is very good too. I can drink many glasses of that, but there are a lot of calories in it. It's a great thirst quencher, but very sweet. I'm trying to avoid drinking all the milk, because I have to make it last until Tuesday when the Exfactor will do the groceries. I can't drink water from the faucet, because it reminds me of the time when I was four years old and an older girl tried to drown me. I swallowed a lot of water then. My dislike of water from the faucet has only grown over the years, as do many of those quirks. 

I'm in the mood for an ice cream sundae. It's a shame that it's the wrong time of the day for one. When it's a certain time of the night, cravings can really hit you. I don't get those longings during the day when I could go to the store to do something about it. I always get them when it is impossible, because we don't have a supermarket that's open 24/7. When I lived in California, we would go to the store at night and get whatever we had a craving for. Not that we abused the privilege, but it was nice that we could. I feel that I live a much less spoiled life here.

Tyke's curled up in the red armchair. He thinks it's time to call it a night and he is right, usually I'm in bed by this time. Gandhi is sound asleep in my armchair. It is kind of cozy with both animals asleep and me sitting here by the light of the desk lamp. I can do this for hours more to come, because I'm not in the least bit tired. I always say that just before I'm about to go to bed.   

I will end this now, because it's gotten long enough. I will think about going to bed, though I don't know how I'm going to manage. It may turn into a very late night. 

Sleep tight if it is that time for you. 

Ciao,
Nora