Drinking cups of coffee...

I've taken a nap and watched the news, but neither of these things have done anything to restore my sanity. I realized that I was in need of caffeine and saw myself forced to make a pot of coffee. 

I'm drinking my second cup and I know I will have a third one because I'm slowly coming to my senses. I no longer feel the need to commit suicide. That's a relief anyway. In a little while I may even be able to put on a happy face. 

Caffeine does normally have that effect. It works as good as any medicine. Why bother with a 'happy pill' if you can have a cup of coffee? 

I'm not doing well and see the shadow of the 'black dog' who's wandering around again. I'm showing all the signs of an upcoming depression and have already sent my psychiatrist an email to that effect. I've been fighting this feeling for a while and it's better to acknowledge it and ring the warning bell. 

It's not so smart to ignore help when help is available. It's no good trying to muddle through on your own and to fight a losing battle. You can act like you're tough when you're really being foolhardy.

Except for the news, there's not a thing of interest on TV tonight to distract me. Tomorrow night there will be a thriller on, but tonight there is just the usual fare for the masses. I suppose I will act like one and try to be amused anyway.

I still have to eat dinner, but I can't get excited about it. I will blame that on the 'black dog.' 

I have to go in search of a better mood. Maybe I left it lying around somewhere. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping my sanity...

After having had a hypo-manic night, I plunged into the abyss this afternoon and started to feel suicidal. I thought I was going absolutely stark raving mad and didn't know at first what to do, but I felt pretty hopeless. I desperately wanted to reach out and call someone, but because it was a holiday, I didn't know who to call.

Then I realized that when I felt this way, I needed to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet and not a sedative, which would only make it worse. I went ahead and did that and crawled into bed and waited for it to work and when it started to, I fell asleep, which is probably the best thing that could have happened.

When I woke up, I felt ever so much better and it was time to take my normal dose of medicines. I'm waiting for those to start working now and I should be feeling pretty good in about ten minutes. I've also got a cup of coffee to help me get the last cobwebs of sleep out of my head.

I've got to be careful and make sure this doesn't repeat itself. Staying up all night was not a good idea. Especially not being so very active and changing all the scenery around. That was a bad idea when you consider that I don't deal well with changes. I'm still very uncomfortable with it now, but I'm not going to make any alterations again. I'll leave things the way they are. 

It sure is difficult being me sometimes. Well, a lot of times it is. It's a day job. Actually, I have to keep an eye on myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wish someone else would do it for me for a couple of weeks so I could have a break. It sure does get exhausting. 

I need to walk the dog. He's begging with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora