After midnight...

I had every intention of going to sleep at a reasonable time and went to bed after I watched the highlights of the football games that had been played this weekend. I have clean sheets on the bed, so I was looking forward to getting under the duvet. I was under it for about an hour in the pleasant company of the animals but I couldn't get to sleep, so I got up again and I have been sitting here ever since amusing myself with various activities behind the computer. 

I'm slightly loopy from my sleep medication but it's not too bad because I had some coffee to sober me up a bit. I will go back to bed again shortly because I think I'm slowly getting into the proper mood for it. I do want to sleep for a long enough time so I will wake up bright and chipper in the morning for the busy day that I have ahead of me. 

I've got my outfit picked out for tomorrow, so getting dressed will be no problem. All I have to do is reach into the closet and pull it out and I will be dressed in no time at all. My hair is in good shape, so running my fingers through it will be all that's required. That's the advantage of having had it newly cut. That's why it's so important that I don't let it get past that crucial state of becoming unmanageable. I have to go to the hairdresser before it starts to bother me. As if going to the hairdresser is such a horrible thing to do.

I'm almost out of perfumes and will have to invest in some new ones, unless I find myself a sugar daddy who will supply me with some. I don't think I'm the kind of woman who would settle for that sort of an arrangement, so that choice is out. I do have a very lovely scented deodorant that I also use as a body spray. I apply it generously and the whole bathroom smells like it afterwards. I use them up quite quickly but I do smell nice. 

A bottle of perfume doesn't last long. At least not the way I apply it. I find I get used to the scent and have to apply more of it in order to appreciate it and I see the amount dwindling quickly in the bottle. I try to get everything out of it that I can before I toss it out. 

Of course my sense of smell is impaired because I smoke, so I need a lot of whatever I use to be able to detect it. It is a bit of a problem. I can never be sure if I'm wearing enough or too much for other people's tastes.

I suppose I will go find my bed now and finally get the sleep I need.  I have to be sensible sometimes. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

On the success of not smoking...

I've had to keep myself entertained yesterday because I couldn't waste my time sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and numerous cigaerettes. That was onne of the methods I used to sit and contemplate my navel, but it is no longer possible since I quit smoking. I do still sit in my armchair on occasion but I don't contamplate my navel too much. I'm really not lost in thought as I dreamily peak through the clouds of smoke I exhale. 

I have to find other ways to fill my time now and it can be a bit of a problem because I'm an organized person and there really isn't that much to do. Yes, if I really think about it long and hard, I can think of chores to do that I've been putting off and that need my attention but they are not pressing matters. They are not shouting out at me to be done. 

I think what I'll do is take a trash bag and make a round through the apartment and just start filling the bag with obsolete items, be they big or small. I'll get rid of anything I'm doubtfull about and that includes the items that are in drawers and baskets that are sitting around. These are the catch all places in which things dispappear and then never see daylight again. 

It's almost 24 hours since I've quit smoking and it hasn't been difficult. Of course this is the third time I've quit and it is all so familiar to me. I really don't have much of a problem not lighting up a cigarette and very seldom feel that I have to. Sometimes I have a longing for one but the feeling is short lived. I just imagine myself inhaling smoke and how awful that really is and that helps me get over it. 

I aired out the apartment very well yesterday. I opened all the windows, and because it was windy outside, a good draft blew through. I don't smell the difference because no doubt my sense of smell is still impaired but I'll repeat the process today until I can be fairly sure that it smells good in here. I do have to spray the furniture with Febreze to get the smoky sell out of it.

It threatened to rain all day yesterday so I didn't hang any of my clothes outside to air on the clothes line. As it was, it didn't rain at all. I think I will just wash most of them in that good smelling washing powder and have that be good enough. There's still rain forecast for the next few days so I will dry them on the clothes rack in the bathroom. . 

I had an opportunity to smoke yesterday when I was at the hairdresser. I was offered a cup of coffee and a cigarette but I turned both down. I can't start making exceptions and I simply don't want to smoke anymore. I'm doing very well without it. 

I did get a good haircut and I'm happy with it. It's very easy to take care of hair and I should have gone in sooner. I thought it was barely time to have it cut but I was wrong. I could have gone a week ago or sooner. I was using way too much hairspray to keep my hairdo in place. 

Middle aged women do look better if they have decent haircuts. 

Ciao,

Irene

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.

Ciao,

Irene

To my health...

Hot cups of tea must be very good for your metabolism. I have been the recipient of the benefits of them today much to my relief. It is something I was not expecting, but it was very welcome indeed. I will be drinking tea more often now that I'm aware of this effect. Maybe it was already common knowledge, but I never knew about it. I do like the taste of tea with sugar and now that I know it has these nice side effects, I like it even better. 

I was all ready to go to bed, but it's too early for it. I'll have to stay up a while longer until it's a decent enough time to go. I did long to go lie down under the duvet and have one of my intricate and fascinating dreams. It's like going to the movies for free, after all. There is the unpredictability of them, but I'll take that into the equation. That does add a certain amount of excitement. 

The day has gone by like so many others. I managed to stay amused. A lot of times now I forget that I used to smoke. I go for whole periods without thinking about it. I think that's an amazing thing. At other times I remember it very much and want to light up a cigarette. It doesn't happen very often, just once in a while. After a good meal, for example. I must make sure I don't eat well too often. 

I had bacon and eggs tonight. I have been able to eat more with less problems. I think that's due to the medication. It's helped my stomach settle down. The bacon was delicious. I'm cheating because I'm supposed to be a vegetarian. I had a terrible craving for it and couldn't resist it when I was in the store. I gave some to the dog and it was a real treat to him. We did have ourselves a good time at dinner tonight. 

I'm going to try to go to bed now. I have a full stomach and should sleep well. Doesn't that make you have the most interesting dreams? No doubt I'll be up again later tonight. They're all naps that I take. 

Ciao,

Nora

Taking naps...

Since I've quit smoking, my life consists of taking many naps. I nap all the time, during the daytime as well as during the nighttime. Whenever I am bored and I think I may be sitting in my armchair with too much time on my hands, I decide to take a nap. This takes away the chance to feel the desire to smoke. 

I very cozily get under the duvet and fall asleep and have my very intricate and lively dreams for about an hour or two. Very often the dog wakes me up because he's bored and I very happily get up again. I'm never in a bad mood when I do. I know that whenever I want to, I can go back to bed. As long as I take care of my responsibilities in between naps there's no problem.

I like this way of life and it's a greeing with me very well. I know it's just a temporary life style and that it's not going to last forever. It's a solution to a minor problem and that problem will disappear as I get used to be a non smoker and I'm getting used to that more and more each day. The trick is to keep myself occupied and that I'm not always able to do, especially not on the weekends like now. 

I have started to eat more, but I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had actually lost a kilo. Apparently I'm not eating the wrong foods. I do have a hunkering for fried eggs and eat those a lot, but I don't eat any bread with them. I eat them plain without anything else. I fry them in sunflower oil, not in butter. I thought that might be healthtier, although butter tastes better. 

I also like slices of dense breakfast cake which is nourishing and filling but low in calories. I slather diet margarine on them. I can eat two slices of them at the time which is quite an improvement to how many I used to be able to eat. My stomach is treating me better. I can eat more with less problems. I think the medication is working well. 

Tomorrow ordinary life resumes when my personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I won't be able to take as many naps then. They haven't seen the latest changes in the apartment and I'm curious how they will react to them. Actually, I wish I could do more. I would like to redecorate all the time. I think it's my natural calling. 

As I sit here, I'm looking at a very nice framed glicee print that I got from an English artist that has all the colors of my decor in it. That turned out to be purely by accident and I just got lucky. I have it standing on my desk instead of the printer that I didn't have installed and that I never used. I figured that I'd rather look at a piece of art than at an ugly printer.The eye wants something too.

The image that is at the top of this post is not the one I have but is one of hers anyway. Her name was Tessa Edwards and she passed away last year.I'm sure if you google her you will be able to find more information about her and maybe even find out if you can still buy her art. 

I've got to get something to eat. They will be eggs no doubt, if there are any left. Maybe I will eat Parmesan noodles. That's a novel idea. Hmmm...

Ciao,

Nora

Too early to sleep, I suppose...

I was all ready to go to bed and go to sleep because I thought the day was done, but apparently I was too early with my attempt and my body wasn't quite ready to shut down yet. I was lying there wide awake, thinking all sorts of interesting thoughts, but not at all going to sleep so I got up again. 

I will try again in a little while because it is my intention to get a good night's sleep. Now that my lungs are inhaling clean air, I do feel that I'm a healthier sleeper and that my nights are spent better in a sounder sleep. I'm not bothered by nicotine and tar and other poisons anymore and I imagine that my breathing has become more liberated and that it affects my sleep also.

Actually, I'm imagining all sorts of good things and in my mind's eye my body is going through a healing process that I think it may not possibly go through that quickly in real life. I don't know how fast a body recuperates after smoking for so many years at my rate. I'm optimistic, though, and I'm willing it to heal quickly. I'm imagining pink and healthy tissue where my lungs are. I do believe in the power of positive thinking. 

I will know what sort of shape I'm in when I next ride my bike. I was in pretty good shape, but I expect to have more endurance now and more power in my legs. I'll really know how well I do when I ride up an incline. Those are always the true tests. 

I'm in my pajamas and bathrobe with a glass of cold milk. I have a craving for a Big Mac and french fries, but I don't think I'll be having them any time soon. It would be impossible for me to finish them, but it's nice to wish for them and to pretend I could have them if I wanted to. A Quarter Pounder would be nice too. I haven't had anything like it in years.

It's time for me to go to bed. When I start to have cravings like that, it's time to call it a night. Otherwise I will sit here and torture myself with visions of food I can't eat. 

Ciao,

Nora

No, I'm not a harried housewfie...

It is now day three since I quit smoking and my most successful day so far. I don't nearly feel the frustration today that I felt the first two days. I still want to light up a cigarette all the time, but I'm less disappointed when I realize that I can't. I'm finding my peace with it, I guess. 

I don't nearly have enough things to do during the day now that I don't spend it smoking and frantically try to think of activities. It's difficult to sit and do nothing. I have to keep myself busy and I have the energy for it also. The apartment has never been so organized.

I do take the dog for walks when I'm bored and make the walks a bit longer than they used to be. We both benefit from that. I try to think of interesting routes to follow that we have not gone on before and take all sorts of side streets. The dog thinks it's great and happily follows me.

I've spent time redecorating the livingroom and all I have left to do now is make a curtain shorter and I will do that tomorrow when I have nothing else on the program. The sewing machine isn't working so I will use iron on tape to make the hem with. After the sewing machine is repaired, I will fix the hem properly.

I've got a new chair to sit in with a new cushion and a new pillow in it. I feel like I'm sitting on a throne. The problem is that the cat has decided that this is her chair as well and lies down in it whenever I get up. When I want to sit down in it, I have to disturb her and I feel bad about doing that, even though she gets to lie down on my lap. The dog thinks it's strange when I sit down on the sofa instead and chases the cat out of the chair. I don't want his loyalty to me to go quite that far, but he feels called upon to do this.

I've got to take the dog for a walk. He's sitting beside me begging to go and I can't ignore him any longer. Off we go. 

Ciao,

Nora

Laughing matters...

This is going to be an attempt at not taking myself so seriously, but I honestly don't know if I'm capable of it. It seems to me that I try to weigh off the amount of humor against the amount of graveness very carefully, but that I get bogged down in the latter very often. That is my perception anyway. It may be a skewed point of view, but that's how I see it. 

It's in the middle of the night and I'm having my inevitable cups coffee. I'm still waiting for them to wake me up properly and to put some pizazz into my writing. If they're not going to soon, I'm switching to cold milk. I want to get a little high out of the caffeine and if I'm not getting that, there's no point in drinking them. I'm still yawning and may have gotten up when I shouldn't have. 

I very easily could have continued sleeping after I went to the toilet, but I had to be stubborn and stay up. I have to be fully awake by 7 am because I have an appointment at 8:50 am. I have to go see the woman at my GP's practice who's going to help me quit smoking. That doesn't leave me much time to get any extra sleep and at noontime I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. It does pay to be alert by that time. 

I woke up with my short hair sticking up all over the place. I look like a stick figure that a child drew. That's the one drawback about having short hair. It does look funny when you've slept on it. I'll have to wash it every day to get it to look nice. That's no real hardship, of course. It's in place and dry in no time at all.

I have to go back to bed for a while. I feel that my whole body needs it. I'll have to set the alarm clock and hope I make it up on time. I'm going to set it for 8 o'clock. That should give me enough time to get my act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Generally keeping out of trouble...

I've just gotten back from the hairdresser where I got a really decent haircut. It was done so well, that I was proud to walk down the street with it, but then I'm an incredibly vain person. I hardly ever have any doubts about my good looks when I come away from the hairdresser. That's because she fixes my hair perfectly with gel and the proper attention. I can never get it to look that way myself.

It was a joy as ever to be fussed over and to sit in that chair and watch the metamorphosis take place. My very own young woman cut my hair and I was very happy for it. I had not seen her in ages and everybody else and their sister had been cutting my hair. Nobody had done a bad job, but this girl did a great job. She's been cutting my hair for years and we were trying to remember today how long it had been.

Because today is such a warm day, I have all the windows open and there's a strong draft blowing through the apartment. It's making it smell good in here, except for in the hallway where the air does not stir because it's dead space. I'll have to take the can of Brise and spray like crazy over there. Actually, I think I have to take all the items on the coat rack and wash them or air them on the clothes line.

It's supposed to rain later and already the clouds have moved in, although the sun is still trying to shine. I hope it will rain because then I won't have to worry about having to water my sister's garden while she's in Italy. So, keep your fingers crossed.

I have just put a bunch of things from the coat rack in the washing machine and put the rest outside on hangers and hope the rain will stay away for a while. Everything is off the coat rack now except for my leather jackets. I very liberally sprayed the hallway with air freshener. I'm going to walk in there in a while to find out what it smells like. I may have to go out and walk in again.

I have designated one spot as my smoking spot. It is a rattan chair by the open kitchen window. It is the only place I am allowed to smoke and sparingly too. I can't go there every time the urge hits me because I'd be going there constantly. I want the whole apartment to be smoke free and to smell good. I want no ashes and residue to settle on the furniture.

It's started to rain very hard and I'm too late to bring in the coats that are hanging outside. They are hanging beneath the trees so they should be alright. At least they will smell good now. I'm assured of that.

I'm going to take my afternoon nap. It will be nice to listen to the rain come down.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora 

Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora