Neutrality...

All moments should be as simple as this one. Every minute should be as uncomplicated as this one is. Unfortunately, today they aren't and I find myself at times filled with anxiety. 

I know why that is. It's because I wasn't able to stick to the diet because of unforeseen circumstances. It wasn't really because of a fault of my own, but still it makes me feel highly uncomfortable. Going on the diet was a big deal, going off it is an even bigger deal. 

I don't generally do well with changes in my life and this is a double whammy. On top of that I had the discomfort of the stomach problems. It's all been too upsetting for me and I wonder how I would deal with a real crisis. 

Well, it's the seemingly small problems in life that are always the hardest to tackle. Those are the ones that sneak up on you. It's the bigger things we are better prepared for and get the most support in. 

I must say that I consider myself fortunate that I don't have to deal with any big problems and that this is a relative small one that I have to tackle. I do have to count my blessings, after all. I must never forget to do that. God forbid that I should start thinking that my life is overly complicated. 

See how everything is relative? I started off worrying and before you know it, I've talked myself right out of it. I must just accept that I can't follow that silly diet and that I have a sensitive stomach. A stomach with an instruction booklet. That's all, no more, no less. 

At least I'm able to drink a cup of coffee with milk in it, that's truly a blessing. You know how much I want my cup of coffee. How much I need it. I'm not the same woman if I haven't had it. It perks me up tremendously if I'm in need of it. I won't be drinking tea any time soon. I had not such a good experience with it. 

The sun has been shining all day and the dog and the cat have been sitting in front of the window watching the world come by. It has been very entertaining to them because it has been very busy and lots of people have walked through the street. It's been like watching TV for them. 

I've got to see if I can catch the latest news and find out about the state of the country. I hope it's not going to hell in a hand basket yet. According to our able politicians, it isn't.

Ciao,

Nora

By the wayside of my life...

I'm not in the mood for finishing the book 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt after having seen the movie, so I just now picked out another novel from the ones on the bookcase that I haven't read yet. It is 'The Abortionist's Daughter' by Elizabeth Hyde and I know very little about it except what I've read on the back cover. I'm taking a chance and hope that I will like it well enough. 

I haven't read anything by this author that I can remember, although some of the titles of her other novels look familiar. I can't say for sure if I've read any of them, though. I will let you know what I think of this one when I'm into it a bit. I've become a critical reader, so novels have to live up to a high standard. I'm afraid I've become spoiled by a few excellent ones I've read this past year. 

The energy I put into reading a book is precious and can't be wasted. I feel that it really has to be worth my while to take the time to sit and read it. It's very often an effort that I have to make and it's not always something that comes easy. It helps if a novel really grabs me with it's good prose and credibility and sense of compassion for the characters. I dislike it if the author's too far fetched fantasy wears me out me and pushes my 'hard-to-believe-button'. 

It's still in the middle of the night, although some people would be optimistic and call this the very early morning. It's not going to be light for some time and I'm facing a totally empty day. That is a day of no appointments and no excessive chores. I will have to find other ways to fill my day. I am sure my imagination will not forsake me and then there's always the Tour de France to watch.

I changed the sheets on the bed last night and found two duvet covers in the closet that I had forgotten about, so now I'm sleeping under little red roses. The covers are as good as new because I've hardly used them and had overlooked them being on the bottom shelf. They were just part of the unseen interior of the closet. They were unnoticeably there. I'm richer than I thought I was.

I saw my SPN yesterday. I don't know how well it went. I was teary eyed at the prospect of not seeing her anymore after September and as it is now, I only see her once every three weeks. I asked for another therapist after she's gone and was relieved to hear that my psychiatrist had already broached that subject with her. I don't think I can quite make it on my own and I think I'm going to fall into a bit of a hole when she's gone. 

I don't do well with changes and this will be a big change as she's played such a crucial role in my life. I have to properly prepare myself for it and not act like it's just nothing at all. I mustn't ignore my feelings by sticking my head in the sand and I can't approach everything rationally only. 

I think I will sit and read my book for a while in my armchair until I go back to bed. It's still not dawn yet. I will take my medicines which will make me sleepy. I can sleep late today. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping my sanity...

After having had a hypo-manic night, I plunged into the abyss this afternoon and started to feel suicidal. I thought I was going absolutely stark raving mad and didn't know at first what to do, but I felt pretty hopeless. I desperately wanted to reach out and call someone, but because it was a holiday, I didn't know who to call.

Then I realized that when I felt this way, I needed to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet and not a sedative, which would only make it worse. I went ahead and did that and crawled into bed and waited for it to work and when it started to, I fell asleep, which is probably the best thing that could have happened.

When I woke up, I felt ever so much better and it was time to take my normal dose of medicines. I'm waiting for those to start working now and I should be feeling pretty good in about ten minutes. I've also got a cup of coffee to help me get the last cobwebs of sleep out of my head.

I've got to be careful and make sure this doesn't repeat itself. Staying up all night was not a good idea. Especially not being so very active and changing all the scenery around. That was a bad idea when you consider that I don't deal well with changes. I'm still very uncomfortable with it now, but I'm not going to make any alterations again. I'll leave things the way they are. 

It sure is difficult being me sometimes. Well, a lot of times it is. It's a day job. Actually, I have to keep an eye on myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wish someone else would do it for me for a couple of weeks so I could have a break. It sure does get exhausting. 

I need to walk the dog. He's begging with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The sound of silence...

There doesn't seem to be much pleasure in drinking coffee lately. I don't get the kick out of it that I normally do. I used to count on it really carrying a punch and waking me up well, but nowadays it doesn't do that anymore. I hardly seem to notice the effects of it. I still drink one or two cups when I wake up, but it doesn't give me the pleasure that it used to. That heady feeling that I used to get is not there anymore. 

It's a shame that this is so because I used to look forward to my cup of coffee and the way it made me feel. I could always count on the rush it gave me. Now that I don't get this anymore, I sit here like a dull person and have to stimulate myself, which is a much harder thing to do. I have to try to get excited when I really don't feel that way very much. I've come to depend on the coffee too much. Now I'm just addicted to the caffeine without the fringe benefits. 

Hopefully this is a temporary situation and I will be back to normal soon. I will once again be stimulated by the caffeine and be my old jolly self. I've already started to make the coffee stronger in order to get some effect. I can't stay this dull person forever, it just will not do. I'm counting on a little bit of life force in these posts. A little bit of joie de vivre. 

It's in the middle of the night and I'm almost content sitting here. Underneath it all shimmers the layer of dissatisfaction that I feel all the time now in some measure. It goes from mild irritation to outright stress and slight panic. The medication helps, but during the day I have a hard time and am not happy. I'm glad when the day is over and it is evening and I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe. That's when I'm most at ease. 

I tell myself that it's because I've had all my medication for the day and that its accumulated effect is working for me, but it may be that the evening, like the night, is the safest time of the day for me. The blinds are closed, the lights are on, and nothing bad will happen. I look forward to going to bed where I will listen to the radio for a while before I fall asleep. It seems to be all about keeping safe and out of harm's way. I feel exposed during the day and at danger of the unexpected. 

In reality, I'm safe inside the apartment and I'm even safe when I take Tyke out for walks. Nothing bad ever happens. They're my own thoughts that haunt me. I imagine terrible things will happen that never do. It's the anticipation of them that makes it hard. 

I have to try and make a better day of it today. Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I didn't get anything accomplished and just survived. I have to do better today. There are some chores that I have to do and I have to arrange my day differently and better. 

Taking a nap in the afternoon is turning out not to be such a success because I wake up in a bad mood and it takes me a while to get over it. I spend precious time trying to pull myself together and it is a painful process. I should spend that time sitting in my armchair reading a book with a nice cup of tea. As if that is too much of an effort. 

I think I will go back to bed. I'm not quite done sleeping yet, although there is some temptation to stay up and change my whole schedule around. Maybe I will do that yet. I could stay up and sit in my armchair and read my book and wait for the morning to start. I can arrange my day as I see fit, after all. I did say it is time to make some changes. 

Have a good day everyone.

Ciao,

Nora

New theme, new name...

But need I even mention it? I should get away with this without even discussing it. What's there to say? If you have me on your blog list, just refer to me as Nora and not by the name of my blog, because it changes too often. God only knows what I started out as. I don't even remember it myself, it is so many incarnations ago. 

I've been up all night, and when I'm up all night, I'm generally in the mood to change things, because I'm more adventurous then. I should always function at night, or otherwise always be under the influence of a sleeping pill, but wide awake. I seem to have my most brilliant ideas then. At least, they seem brilliant to me. Of course, they may be drug induced illusions and I won't know that until the next day after I've slept.

That reminds me that I'm not looking forward to the day and I don't want it to become dawn. I like sitting here in the dark having my little adventures and taking looks at what I have done. I don't want to go to bed either. I want to stay up and reap the rewards of my deeds and indulge in them. I want to snicker and smile and be happy.  I would rather not sleep and stay in this state of mind forever. 

I haven't had any coffee for a while and have been drinking cold milk. I never did get around to drinking a glass of warm milk to make me sleepy. I decided against that when I realized that I was having a good time. I didn't want to curtail my activities. 

From one good idea comes another and before you know it, hours have passed and it is approaching morning and it is time for another batch of medicines. The ones I am going to take are going to dampen my spirits a bit and it's a darn shame. I wish I could skip them, but I will be sensible and take them. I'm a co-operative patient who doesn't sleep at night, but does everything else right. 

I am going to make a pot of coffee in a little while to get ready for the arrival of morning. I do want to greet it with a clear mind. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleeping yet. I suppose I will wait and see what happens and when the need hits me, I will go and lie down. 

It is possible that the Exfactor is going to come by this morning and I do want to be dressed when he gets here and not greet him in my usual attire of bathrobe with my hair sticking up. I do still want to make a good impression, although I have no ulterior motives. If I did have those, I would dismiss them immediately. 

The coffee is brewing and before long I will have a nice fresh cup of it. I'm trying to not make it too strong, because I realized that I do go through my ground coffee awfully quickly. I probably make it too potent. I don't want it to put hair on my chest. I think a little bit less strong is okay too and very drinkable, as long as the flavor of the coffee is right and is not the weak brew that the Exfactor makes. 

No, the coffee is good and very welcome. It warms up my stomach. I will now go and see to the other blog, so the surprise will not be too big there. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora