No photos...

It's about time that I write a post for this poor neglected blog. It's been a while since I turned my attention to it. It's a perfect time to do so because it's late in the afternoon on a Friday and I have just walked the dog and have nothing pressing left to do. I always plan it that way and luckily (or not) I don't have a family to cook dinner for. I suppose it would make me happy if I had a really nice family and a really nice kitchen and enough food in the refrigerator to cook dinner with. But in my wildest fantasies I am rich so it would be no problem. 

Unfortunately, I never buy any lottery tickets so the chances of me becoming rich are very small if not non-existant. I don't know if I should be like all the other optimistic people and buy them. I have a feeling that I would never win anything because I am never lucky when it comes to those kinds of things. It would probably just end up costing me precious money. I'm going to have to marry a millionaire. But who would have me? I am past my prime, after all. 

I better start thinking more cheerful thoughts. It's no good to sit here and face that sort of reality too much, it might depress me and I'm not in the mood for that. Let's talk about the weather instead and I'll tell you that it's done with the sunshine and that it's been gloomy all day. It hasn't bothered my outlook on life and I've kept my chin up helped by numerous cups of coffee. I needed those because I got up too early this morning and had a shortage of sleep all day. The caffeine kept me going. 

The domestic help was here and the Exfactor, so I didn't get a chance to take a nap but I hope I'll sleep all the better tonight. I'll be a good dog owner and walk the dog one more time before I go to bed. That is instead of letting him do a piddle out back which I normally do. I'm usually not in the mood to go out anymore at night and most of all want to put my pajamas and my bathrobe on as quickly as possible. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good and help me sleep extra well. It doesn't get dark until 10:30 pm, so I'll be safe from the bad guys.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Just make some coffee, woman!

Not too long ago, I was in a terrible mood. It felt like the world was coming to an end. I got up from my nap and felt devastated. I was literally in a number one depression and didn't know how to get out of it. I sat in my armchair with a glass of milk and just felt awful. I wondered what in the world had happened during my nap that I felt this way and why my day had suddenly ended up like that. 

Of course, what I didn't do was make a pot of coffee because that would have lifted my spirits soon enough. I was in such bad shape that it didn't dawn on me until a few hours later after I had suffered quite a bit. For some reason it actually did get through to me at one point to make a pot and once I did have a cup of coffee, I startted to feel a lot better. By the time I had my second cup, I was my usual cheerful self and all was well with the world. 

That just goes to show you what a benevolent chemical caffeine is for me and how I can't do without it at certain times of the day. I would still be in bad shape if it weren't for those cups of coffee. I might be contemplating all sorts of things now that I don't even want to think of. Thank god I did have the caffeine and that I was smart enough to make the coffee because I was almost in too much of a stupor to do that. I was saved by my instincts that finally kicked in.

The weather has been horrible today. It has been storming with a terrible strong wind blowing rain and hail sideways and thunder and lightening on top of that. I've been outside as little as I could and the dog has had to go out back mostly. The weather is very unpredictable and it does clear up for a few minutes at the time, only to suddenly become horrid again the next. Hopefully, this will all clear up by tomorrow, but I'm not sure if the rain will stop. 

I'm very comfortably seated here early in the evening and I'm glad the day is done. I feel that I'm just now coming to life. It was sort of a wasted day. I think the storm unsettled me and I didn't like the way the wind hit the rain against the windows. It's now temporarily quiet outside and it is very enjoyable. I've just turned on the heater and it's nice and warm in here. 

I very much like my new skinny jeans. They are very comfortable and they fit well and have enough stretch in them to allow easy movement. I certainly got the size right and will know from now on which ones to get. This brand is very good and relatively inexpensive. It's also nice to be able to order them online.and have them delivered the next day. I must also have a very easy size because the length of the legs is just right. It's nice when you can count on that.

The style that I've got my hair combed in now is much better than how I had it before. I can sleep on this hair and wake up looking decent. I hardly have to do anything to it to get it in shape and I don't have to use so much hairspray.. I've got it parted on the other side and it covers my thin spot better. That's my secret., by the way. Don't tell anyone. My hair looks fuller and is more manageable. I never tried this before, but wish I had. It's a real discovery. It's going to be so much easier to let it grow out now. 

I didn't wear any make up today and that's against my own rules. I didn't feel like getting all gussied up. For some reason, I liked myself well enough without it. Besides, I didn't go anywhere today. Putting on mascara is the hardest because of the low volume of eyelashes that I have left. They used to be thick and long, but as I've gotten older, they've gotten thinner and shorter. I think this is very unfortunate and one of the drawbacks of middle age. There ought to be a law against this sort of thing.

I hope you'll all have a good evening and better weather than we're having. 

Ciao,

Nora

Feeling ever so much better...

I was feeling slightly discombobulated when I woke up from my nap this afternoon, but now that I've had my first cup of coffee, I'm doing much better. I almost forgot for it to start working and got worried for naught. I thought I was going to continue to feel off track, but as I drank the coffee, I became more cheerful and coherent. I should remember that it almost always is this way and that I don't function optimally when I first wake up. 

I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I should make coffee and that it's very important, but it's not a conscious decision that I make. I do it almost automatically and I very obediently pour a cup when the coffeemaker is done. I drink it without thinking about it and only gradually become aware of its positive effect on me. The second cup is much more deliberate. I do know what effect I'm after then. It's probably also unnecessary, but I have it anyway. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I watched a program this morning on Frans Hals, the 17th century painter. It showed the intricate and informal way he painted people of importance and how innovative that was in his time. He was quite a radical painter, although we would not think so now. The paintings that were shown and discussed were beautiful, although most of them were of very stately men and women. He very much personalized them and gave each one something completely unforgettable by way of an expression or a pose. 

I love these kinds of programs and appreciate it so much when they are on. It makes you look at art with whole new eyes. It makes me want to go to a good bookstore and buy every art book I can lay my hands on. Well, I do have my own and I can have a look at them again. There is enough art discussed in them and enough to look at to feast the eyes, but I would love to own books on all the famous artists. I very much enjoyed taking art history classes when I lived in California. Those were the good old days. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner because my stomach is empty. It is a feeling I enjoy, but I'm hungry now. I think I'll have some chicken soup. That's something the dog enjoys eating too. I can never finish all of it myself so I share it with him. 

Have a good evening all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Finally...

I finally feel like I'm caught up on my sleep and that I'm a normally functioning human being again. I took a much needed nap after dinner and slept until the delivery boy from the pharmacy rang the intercom. It's a good thing he did, because I probably still would have been asleep now and that's not what was supposed to happen. 

I didn't get enough sleep last night and got up way too early this morning and was sort of dragging my butt all day. I didn't feel my normal cheerful self, no matter how hard I tried, but I knew it was from the lack of sleep. Sometimes you get too tired to fall asleep and I had tried it unsuccessfully in the afternoon. I felt jet lagged. Thank goodness that I feel alright now. 

I have an announcement to make. From this day on this blog is not going to be my main blog anymore. It is going to be one of the other ones which is now called: Be My Doll, Ain't No Chick. That's where I'll do most of my important posting. So if you're only subscribed to one of my blogs, as I know some of you are, I suggest you switch over to that one. It also has my complete archives which this one doesn't. 

Now that I've made that announcement, I suddenly don't know what to blog about anymore. I've taken the wind out of my own sails. 

At least I'm still yawning despite the coffee I'm drinking. That's a good sign. It means I will sleep alright tonight. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

...and other tales of mayhem.

It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that. 

There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.

 

I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.

I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me. 

That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.

At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings. 

I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday. 

I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.

Ciao,

Nora

But for the title of this post....

No matter how malcontented I am during the day, I always feel so much better during the night. I think that maybe I should judge how well I'm doing only by taking my measure at night and not during the day when it could be anything from bad to worse. I'm most definitely not in a position to give a rational answer during the day. Whatever circumstances prevail then influence me for the worse.

I notice that I'm especially influenced by the company of other people and that their presence has a negative effect on me. Other people's company does not do me good, on the contrary. It wears me out and turns me into a pessimist. Usually I can't wait for them to be gone so I can be left in peace with my own simple thoughts. I don't like their intrusive presence and questions and fixated interest in me. I don't like how they try to fit my thoughts into boxes with labels.

Maybe I hang out with the wrong people, there's the distinct possibility of that. My personal helper is going to be two weeks off and I will see how well I do without her presence during that time. I'm looking forward to the emotional freedom. Maybe I'll disconnect from her after that. We are both at a point where we're wondering what her role in my life is anymore. It is possible that she is obsolete and that she's even become an obstacle. She gets too stuck in trying to rescue me when I don't want to be rescued.

I've got to write about something more cheerful than this. Be assured then that I'm enjoying this moment to the best of my ability. I've got my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and the quiet peacefulness of the night. All is not right with the world, but some things are. I can pretend to be in a timeless place where nothing is important and in the end, I will go back to bed to sleep some more, providing the coffee doesn't keep me awake.

Today, the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, which is very good because I'm just about out of milk and you know what a disaster that is. I'm also out of vanilla pudding and have been for some time. I do miss it very much. It's the creamy smoothness that I miss so much. I could eat liters of the stuff. My gastric band prohibits it. 

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon. I don't know if I'll go there with any sort of expectations. A lot of it depends on what mood I'll find myself in. The appointment is at a time when I usually take a nap, so it will be a little rough to stay up. I think I have to work on my attitude and I will discuss that. I need a change of it. I need a positive kick in the pants. I can't wish to become better and wish to be dead at the same time. 

I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm drinking the last of the milk and it's settling me down, I'm even yawning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day today.

Ciao,

Nora

Slow motion...

It's truly in the middle of the night, there's no doubt about it. It's not even close to dawn. In a way that's good because it will allow me enough time to go back to bed and sleep long enough before the Exfactor gets here. I won't be completely befuddled when he gets here, although it doesn't matter so much in his case if I am. He is very patient with me and allows me time to wake up properly without me having to be all artificially cheerful. It's a much kinder process of waking up. 

I will try to be up on time before he gets here anyway and have the coffee ready. We are both always ready for a cup because a lot of times the Exfactor only drinks tea in the morning at his place and I'm convinced that it doesn't give him a proper start to the day. He really seems to come alive after he's had a cup of coffee here. That's because he drinks things like mint tea with sugar which leave him dopey. 

I'm drinking coffee now in an attempt not to be too sleepy headed and to be able to finish this post before I go back to bed. I've made just a little pot of it so I won't drink too much. There is always cold milk. I do need something to keep the slumber at bay for now. I would fall instantly asleep behind the keyboard if I didn't. It wouldn't do to have a row of letters imprinted on my forehead. 

It's not bad being in this half awake state. It's actually kind of pleasant. I feel as though I'm slightly drugged and better able to express my feelings, although they are all tenuous and hardly of any consequence at all. They are strictly nighttime feelings of made of ethereal stuff. Like fluffs of stardust and just as lightweight. There's not a heavyweight thought among them. 

I would always like to exist in this state of mind, somewhere in limbo I suppose. Neither here nor there. Somewhat approachable yet not quite present in my own elusive way; in a dreamy state of mind. It's a much more relaxed way of being.

I can't keep existing here. Reality pulls me back and has me return to the present situation which is that I'll have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. Besides, the dog wants impossible things from me that I don't know how to fulfill. He's been out back and he's had a snack. I don't know what else to do. There's little escapism when you get right down to it. It's all of momentary nature. 

Right, I'm off to bed to sleep some more and perchance to dream. I actually have no doubt about that. I always do the second time around and the most interesting things too. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Grumpiness...

I've been grumpy since yesterday and I haven't been able to get over it yet, but then at one point I really stopped trying. I decided to accept that I was grumpy after I had unsuccessfully tried to change my mood. I came to the realization that grumpiness is a natural state of mind too and that I didn't necessarily need to get over it. It wasn't really bothering me all that much. It was going to bother other people more than me and I decided not to worry about that. I didn't need to be in a good mood for somebody else, after all. 

Today I've patiently endured the company of the people who were here and I was as polite as I could be, but I was glad when the last one pulled the front door closed behind her and I could be alone. I'd rather sit here and be grumpy by myself than in the company of someone else. When other people are around you have to act friendly and polite, which you are not at all in the mood for being. I only feel like being kind to the dog and the cat and I guess for now that makes me a misanthrope. 

I have no idea when I'm going to get over this grumpiness. Since I've decided not to let it bother me, I'm not going to hold my breath. It will disappear whenever it's ready to. Whenever what's bothering me has cleared up. It's not so bad to go through life grumpy. It gives you a whole new perspective on things. It makes you more cynical and honest and those are not bad things to be nowadays. It's better than walking around with that eternally cheerful outlook like some kind of Pollyanna. 

I think a sense of guilt motivates us to want to try and get into a better mood, but I don't feel guilty. I don't feel that I owe somebody a better mood. Luckily, I don't have to share my space with anyone, so I'm off the hook. It would be harder if I lived with someone and had to explain my attitude. I would have to be rude to the person I lived with. Now I can be kind to the dog and the cat and not worry about anyone else. 

I must watch the news and find out what's happening in Libya. It will make me grumpier probably. And the Oscars, oh god, the Oscars... 

Ciao,

Nora