Solitary night blogging...

I'm yawning and I'm not completely awake yet. This cup of coffee I'm having is supposed to take care of that, or the next cup will. One way or the other, I will be in better shape shortly. I won't quite have the dishrag quality that I have now.

I'm not in a grumpy mood. I feel pretty mellow and even keeled. I'm just a little under the influence of sleep because I woke up prematurely. There was no real reason to. For a change it wasn't the dog's fault. He was sound asleep. I was merely gripped by the need to be awake.

I'm sitting here in my pajamas and socks and I'm still warm enough to not need my bathrobe. The hot coffee is heating my insides. It's a cool night outside but the apartment stays warm, even with the bedroom windows open. When I start to drink cold milk, I'll have to dress warmer, as it always cools me down a lot.

If I don't stop yawning so badly, I'll dislocate my jaw. I hope the coffee works quickly. Maybe I didn't make it strong enough. It's probably not carrying enough of a punch. I was too sleepy headed when I made it. I fumbled with the spoon and ground coffee and eyeballed the amount. I have to be more careful about these things in the middle of the night.

Yesterday went by quickly. I don't know sometimes where the days go. They very often seem to speed by. It seems that the older I get, the more quickly time passes. Hours pass as if they are mere minutes and even though the daylight lasts longer, the sun sets before I know it.

I feel that today I have to be more aware of time and how I spend it. I should not let the hours go to waste, although that is what I do very often very carelessly. Time is like a daydream that I float through with a few points of attention.

Tonight my sister and I are going to see a French film that's supposed to be humorous. It will be a light comedy and be entertaining. It's playing not too late and with a little bit of luck, I'll be home on time to see the episode of 'Wallander' that's on TV tonight. That way I'll have a doubly entertaining evening. I haven't been to the film house in ages and it's about time. If I enjoy myself, I'm going to make it a point to go more often. Say, once a month.

I'm drinking cold milk now and have cooled off and put on my bathrobe. It's funny how predictable some things are. It's like eating ice cream and getting chilled all over. I know for sure now that I won't be eating any ice cream because that's not going to help me lose weight. If I want to get rid of those love handles, that's something I absolutely have to avoid.

Shrinking my one pair of size 14 skinny jeans has worked out real well and they fit perfectly now. I washed them on the highest temperature in the washing machine. I think they are a size 12 now, like the other pair I have. They are sufficiently tight anyway and don't slide down my hips. It would have been even better if I'd had a dryer to put them in, but this will do.

I think I will go back to bed now. It's still in the middle of the night and I have no business being up yet. The animals are sound asleep anyway. The problem is that I'm not sleepy, so I may lie awake for a while. I guess the coffee carried more punch than I thought.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 

Ciao,

Nora

The most excellent time of the night...

I have slept four hours and am in good spirits. That is only one hour less than if I had taken my new sleeping pills, proving my point that they really don't work. And I feel better waking up too, making me all the more happy. So, the psychiatrist was right in telling me yesterday not to take them anymore. I can only agree with him, besides, the less pills, the better. They all have side effects and I believe these ones made me grumpy and emotional during the day. I'll have to see if today goes any better, but I assume it will. 

I am sat here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and all of my good intentions and a very good mood. I somehow want to act on them and make them count, but that's hard to do in the middle of the night. I can't perform good deeds or climb any mountains or make a trip around the world. If I were a billionaire I could maybe do some of these things impulsively. That's a huge daydream I could get lost in and I just did. I do have to call myself to order. 

This very good mood I am in will have to be put to use some other way. I will just have to write a good post and try to get my good vibes across. 

There's nothing nicer than sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling very good all by myself and wishing to share it with somebody else. If I could make your day seem brighter, I would be very happy. I would want your half empty glass to seem half full. I would want you to count all your blessings and be grateful for them, no matter how small they were.

But that sounds too evangelical and I don't want to come across as someone like that. You get to decide those things for yourself. There is such a thing called self determination, after all, in which you choose your own destiny and the things you believe in along the way. You have to pick your own attitude and outlook. I can't force you into one or the other. 

I'm now sitting here with a glass of cold milk and am thinking of all the ways a person can enjoy themselves if they can hang on to their good mood indefinitely. It seems to me that even the little things in life would be a joy to do if your mood was always good. Everything would be done without a struggle. I can't count on such predictability. My moods are too changeable for that. They go through the whole range from high to low and back again in one day. Especially at this time of the year. I'm a wobbly woman. I need my own cheerleader section. 

I am taking my time writing this because I'm continually distracted by my own thoughts. It's called daydreaming, I think. Sometimes I do a lot of that. I'm also developing a sore throat, which is surprising because as far as I know, I haven't been exposed to anyone who is ill. Oh yes, one of the domestic helps had tonsillitis and was taking antibiotics for it. I hope I'm not getting sick. It would be a waste of a good weekend, but I suppose the timing would be good. I have nothing really important planned. 

I can actually say that I'm glad that it is Saturday. I'm going to take the day off and rest on my laurels. Oh yes, I do have to go to the tobacco shop. That will be my outing for the day then. I do look forward to the day. I get to pick out a new novel from the bookcase and I'm full of curiosity as to what it's going to be. I feel like a thriller, but I don't know if I have any left that are unread. Wish me luck at finding something good. 

Have a good day and stay out of trouble. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the long run...

I slept a record time of ten hours last night. I did get up twice to go to the toilet, but both times I went back to sleep immediately. I'm mighty proud of myself because I did it without the aid of the Valerian tablets. I decided not to take those anymore because I thought they were making me feel grumpy during the day. I was grumpy for as many days as I took them and the link seemed obvious. 

Actually, yesterday I thought I was starting to feel depressed and I sure as heck didn't want that. I could only assume that it was because of the Valerian tablets because that was the one major change there had been in my life. I felt quite bad and was worried about myself, but realized what the cause might be and decided to not to start to despair. I just had to be patient for a while and get a good night's sleep. I feel ever so much better this morning and that's something to be thankful for.

Now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee on a gray Saturday morning, but I don't mind one bit. It may rain later on, but that's okay. As long as my mood is good it doesn't matter. I'm happy about the fact that it is Saturday and a day to do nothing much important on. Of course, I will walk the dog and do some chores, but I will do them in my own leisurely way. There's no pressure to get anything done at a certain time, except that Tyke does know how to tell time and knows when I need to take him for a walk. He's a smart dog. 

I have a vague idea of what the day is going to look like. I'm going to change the bed for one thing and do a load of laundry. As always, I have to clean up the kitchen and also put the clean laundry away. I'm going to try and sit down in my armchair and read my book, but I'll probably daydream instead. I should probably call it meditating and contemplating my navel. I'll also watch the latest developments in Egypt on television.

First I'll go and walk Tyke. He's had his breakfast and is more than ready to go. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Are you sleeping?

It's Friday afternoon and time to start celebrating the weekend. I don't do this with a cold beer, because I don't have any of those in the refrigerator. Instead, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes good too, though a beer might have tasted better and put me in a really good mood. I'm actually in a good enough mood all by myself, so that cup of coffee will have to do. I may even get really radical and have a glass of juice in a while. I won't put any vodka in it, although I still have half a bottle left. It will just have to linger on the shelf longer for a really special occasion, though I can't think of one right of the top of my head. Maybe I'll save it for world peace. 

The weekend ought to be very relaxed. The weather will be decent enough to take Tyke for many walks and I will be able to sleep late if I feel like it, which I usually do. That is only logical when you consider that I do my best sleeping in the mornings. I seem to be on a different time schedule than the rest of the country. There will be interesting things to watch on television and lots of good stuff to listen to on the radio. There will also be lots of opportunity to sit in my armchair and do nothing but daydream, which is becoming a favorite activity of mine and which I can  heartily recommend. It's very nice to sit in silence and to let your thoughts wander amongst gentle subjects. Very often I pet Tyke while I am sunk in thought and Gandhi lies on my lap. We do have our bonding moments. 

Today is the day that I cut my anti-depressives back by a third. I'm not worried about this and I assume it will be fine. Once my psychiatrist explained to me that you really aren't hooked on this kind of medicine, I stopped worrying about it. You do get hooked on things like tranquilizers, but I've always been able to get off those pretty easily. You aren't physically hooked on anti-depressives. You do use them as a mental crutch, so depending on your life circumstances, you may still need a crutch, but it can be something else. It can be an insight that you have gained into your own situation or psyche.

The sun is starting to set and it is getting dark in here. I have to switch some lamps on. It is also time to close the bedroom windows and turn on the heater. I am starting to feel a little bit cold.  The sky has been cloudy all day and it's going to rain tonight. I should be able to walk Tyke one more time without getting wet. If we do get wet, I have a towel to rub him dry with hanging over the bathroom radiator and he's very good about having that done. As a matter of fact, I think he enjoys it. Those are the little pleasures in life for him. He's just like a little kid and easy to please. 

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

On a cold Tuesday morning...

According to my weather bar, it is supposed to be snowing right now, but it looks like we haven't had any snow since last night. I think it must get it's information from the airport which is several kilometers away from town, because it very often shows different weather than what we have here. It lies on a higher plateau, so that may make the difference. 

The world is white and lighter and brighter, and so far the snow is pretty. We don't have any treacherous ice yet. I'll have to go out in it in a while to walk Tyke and test the conditions. I'll wear my sturdy cowboy boots, those are the best ones I've got at the moment. I wore my ankle boots yesterday, but snow got in them and my socks got wet. The snow falls on Tyke's outer fur and he easily shakes it off and doesn't really get wet. He's well insulated. 

I've slept well. I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at 6:30 this morning. That's not a heck of a long sleep, but it's enough for me. I feel I've done well if I've slept that many hours. It did take one cup of coffee to wake me up properly and another one to get me started well. I think I could have stayed in bed a while longer, but I was too eager to get up.

As it is I'm dawdling now and the morning is moving along steadily. The parents have already come by and taken their children to school. The kids were making snowballs as they went along. Tyke's looked at them full of curiosity and he's now sitting in front of the window looking at the white world. No doubt he wants to go out in it. It has started snowing lightly.

I wonder if the Exfactor will be able to get through it on his motorcycle. I assume the major thoroughfares are clear. I don't want him to break his neck just to get here, but he always managed it last winter. I think he sees it as a challenge. I do need groceries and my bike does need to get fixed. Unfortunately, he was not able to get that done when he was here yesterday. All for the lack of the proper tools.

I do an awful lot of daydreaming when I write a post. I spend more time daydreaming than I do writing. Whatever subject I write about,  causes a long string of thoughts to unravel in my mind and before you know it, I'm someplace far, far away. It's amazing the amount of stuff I deal with when I do that. It must have some purpose. I assume these things need to be thought about and that they are subjects that I normally would not get around to putting much thought to.

I look outside and see that, for the sake of fashion, some people are hopelessly under dressed for this weather. They wear everything just a bit too tight and too short and too open. You know they must be cold.

I'm going to get dressed myself and walk the dog. We'll get dusted by the snow and it will be nice.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Leather boots?

It is early in the evening and I woke up a while ago from a long nap in my bed. I took my one and only tranquilizer that I now take during the day this afternoon, and as a result I got very sleepy and couldn't stay awake. So this is the amount of sleepiness that I had been fighting three times a day, every day. 

It's a good thing that I finally started to question that and that I no longer blamed it on the amount of sleep that I got at night. I was putting things in the wrong order. It wasn't because I didn't get enough sleep during the night that I was sleepy during the day. It was because I was so sleepy during the day that I didn't get enough sleep during the night. I hope that makes sense, because it does to me. It was like putting the wagon in front of the horse.

Anyway, I am doing this with the blessing of my psychiatrist, so that is good. I've learned not to do anything with my medicines without first consulting my psychiatrist. I do have to trust him in this area of expertise and not think I know it all. I've had the tendency to think that I know it better, but I really do have to learn to trust somebody else when it comes to these things. 

I have this stubborn streak in me that makes me want to figure out things on my own and it just isn't necessary. I have to learn to trust other people and their knowledge. I guess I didn't learn that when I was a kid or in another period of my life. It is possible that I have been around a lot of incompetent people. Or people that weren't trustworthy. I suppose I haven't felt safe enough before.

Well, after that statement I hardly know what to write, because it put me on a whole different train of thought far, far away. I will try and come back to the reality of today and rejoin the present human race. 

I always think of all these humans racing around doing their jobs and chores and activities, trying to keep up with themselves and each other, one even crazier than the other, all in the human race for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that's as elusive as the rainbow itself.

But that's just an aside, I don't have all the answers either. I used to reach for the rainbow myself. I was chasing that pot of gold as fervently as the next person.

Enough already with the memories! This is not the time or place for them. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's a better place to be. It must be possible to write a post without daydreaming and sinking away into memories of a long ago life. Why do they hit me so much when I write a post? Is it because I refer to something? Is it that simple? 

It's a long time ago since I've done as much daydreaming as I do now. I used to do it all the time and think of it as a normal part of me, but I've very much rejected it as an unhealthy exercise. Now it seems to happen constantly, even when I'm preoccupied with something else. 

I started reading again today and I do notice that if I pay attention well enough to what I read, I don't daydream, but the book really has to capture my imagination. I'm reading a novel by Doris Lessing and her writing is so good that it does. 

It seems that I can drink fruit juice again. I had some this morning and it agreed with me and I'm having some right now without any problems really. I'll have to wait and see what happens during the night, but it would be nice if I could drink it again instead of all the milk that I drink. I do need some other vitamins too and it is thirst quenching.

It's not early in the evening anymore. I've wasted a lot of time. I'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe. I can stay up late, though, because it's the weekend.

Ciao,

Nora