Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal once again....

I think I'm in a good enough frame of mind now to take a good look back at the past several days and see that I was probably in a hypo-manic state which I didn't come out of until yesterday afternoon after I finally slept for about five hours. I had been sleep deprived until that time and not in a position to think clearly. 

I looked back on it with some horror, but realized that I had not done anything too stupid and that all of my actions were easily able to be set straight. I had not made any really big guffaws that involved other people and would require a lot of explanation. Nor had I spent a lot of money. I was saved by the bell again. 

I remember feeling very good at the beginning of this period of madness, but becoming quite agitated as it continued and feeling very uncomfortable with it. Exhaustion was starting to show through and I could hardly keep up with myself, but felt compelled to nevertheless until I literally collapsed in my bed.

I built in a day of rest yesterday and took it very easy. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, so I added a lot of rest periods and periods of silence and patience. I avoided anything that was too stimulating and avoided the computer most of all because that's where I had spent all my time. 

I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel now and to not let things get out of hand again. I know what the pitfalls are and am going to avoid them.

My psychiatrist had warned me that I would have mood swings, but I had not expected them to be so severe. I really had not been properly prepared for this and was taken by surprise. I thought I was merely starting to feel better. Not that I was going to shoot into the sky like a rocket. 

Now I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee trying to be as mellow and calm as I can be. I'm accepting this period in the night for what it is and that is a time out before I go to bed again to finish sleeping, which I will hopefully have the sense to do. I don't want to become so cocky that I will stay up again until morning and decide that I don't need to sleep. I'm not home free yet.

Ultra rapid cycling is an unpredictable monster that you don't want hiding in your closet. I hope I'm done with it quickly and I assume I'm bothered by it now because of the increase in my antidepressants. It must be my body's way of adjusting to the new dose. Hopefully I've seen the worst of it now and a warned woman counts for two. 

The night is very quiet and serene. Thunderstorms and rain with winds were predicted, but none has come of it. It's just as well. I doubt that anyone was ready for another deluge. The last time, roads and cellars were flooded and trees were blown over. So I don't mind a clear, quiet night at all. I'm sure lots of sighs of relief are being breathed. 

It's very pleasant to be up. I'm enjoying my time of feeling well very much. It's no wonder that I always want this to last as long as possible. These are the most pleasurable hours of the day and night.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Thunder and lightning...

I woke up because the dog was trying to get my attention by gently growling into my right ear. I pulled him up on the bed and had a wrestling match with him which I won. Then we got up and went to the kitchen where he ate his kibbles and I made coffee. Now he's asleep on the sofa and I'm very cozily sitting here behind the computer in the middle of the night as is usual. All is well with the world. 

Last night, clouds moved in and the wind started to blow very hard. It started to thunder and rain something awful. It was an enormous storm and a lot of water fell out of the sky. The thunder moved right overhead and the lightning strikes came one right after another. 

In Belgium, right across the border, there was a music festival and trees and big tents got blown over and apart and several people got killed and seventy got wounded. It was quite a drama. The festival was in a chaos and had to be canceled. There were thousands of young people there who somehow all had to leave the festival grounds safely. Many of them had to be picked up by their parents. 

So for a while all was not right with the world. At least not in our little corner of it. The night is very silent now and there is no more storm or rain. I'm glad of it because it was very disquieting. I felt like I had to go and build an ark to put the animals in. 

The dog wanted to go outside as quickly as possible and trudge through the puddles after the storm was over. He did get very wet and the fur on his head got very curly so he looked like a poodle. The cat very wisely stayed inside and sat in front of the living room window and contemplated the wet world from there. She watched the whole storm from that spot and was very intrigued by it.

I thought I was going to be more tired than I am because I didn't take an afternoon nap yesterday. I'm surprisingly awake. I've only slept for a few hours, but I feel like I'm ready to stay up. No doubt I'll come to my senses once I start drinking cold milk instead of this coffee and feel the need to go back to bed. I must do the things that ordinary people do and stick to the schedule. 

I slept between clean sheets, but it was so warm and muggy in the bedroom that it was almost too warm to sleep under the duvet. I had it only covering my legs and that sufficed. It still hasn't cooled off a lot in the apartment, although today is going to be a not so warm day, but I prefer that. I'd rather wear more clothes than less clothes. 

Thank god it's Friday again. It's time to get ready to enjoy the weekend. This is the first weekend in a long time that I'll actually just plain feel good. It won't be an escape from the real world. It will just be two enjoyable days with time off for good behavior, but I won't dread the coming of Monday when it's over.

I suppose I must start thinking now about going back to bed. I'm not tired, but I should try to get some more sleep. It will be the sensible thing to do. Even if I only rest with my eyes open it will be good. At least I will have had a time out. I've got to take advantage of those clean sheets. 

I hope you'll all have a good Friday with the kind of weather you hope for. 

Ciao,

Nora

Who I am and what I do...

I was slowly waking up and lying in bed with my eyes closed and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Who are you?" I thought that was too deep a question to have in the middle of the night and I could not answer it. I dismissed it quickly from my mind and got up to let the dog out. That was a less cerebral activity for me to take care of rather than think existential thoughts. 

I put on my bathrobe and made a pot of coffee. I turned on the computer and answered emails and read other people's blogs. The whole time I did that, I ignored that thought I'd had when I first started waking up. Now that I'm done with all those activities it's begging to be answered, but I'm loathe to answer it because how can I? 

How can I say who I am in a few easy sentences? I'm either going to have to dismiss the question all together or write an autobiography and that's way too much work. I don't know why I had that thought in the first place and what an odd one to have first thing when you still have your eyes closed and your mind starts to wake up.

I suppose I found myself alone in my bed and became aware of my solitariness as a human being in the great world. I realized I was just a tiny little cog in a very large machine and that I counted for hardly anything at all. I must have thought this in a split second in the darkness before I opened my eyes. I guess I felt my aloneness as all human beings eventually feel theirs.

I thought you didn't feel that until your dying hour and I suppose I felt it prematurely for some reason. I don't know if I had a dream just before it. I don't remember one. All I remember is darkness and silence, as if I had been out in the universe where someone had forgotten to turn the stars on.

Do we have to say who we are after we die? Is there a question that we have to answer? Do we have to say that we were the best possible human being we could have been? What if we chastise ourselves for all the things we didn't do? Are we forgiven?

I'm still discovering who I am, although I have a strong suspicion that I knew who I was a long time ago before life got a hold of me and filled me with my neuroses. Add some deep seated psychological pain and you've got the end product. Well, not the end product. It isn't over until the fat lady sings and she's nowhere in sight. I'll go listen to her aria at the very end. Until that time I've got a lot of work to do. 

I hope you all are having a good night. I'm going to sleep some more shortly. I hope I don't get anymore existential questions. One of those every now and then is enough, although it does give you food for thought. That's not too bad. 

Ciao,

Nora

The idle hours...

I'm spending the best hours of the night not asleep in my bed, but awake in my bathrobe and slippers, sat behind the computer in the living room with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. My new bottle of perfume was standing on the desk, so I've spritzed some on and now I smell delicious and the experience is extra special. I think I do owe it to myself to get the most out of it. I want all my senses to be aware, although what I'm most aware of is the silence and the darkness, but I do taste the very good coffee and the smoke of my cigarette as I inhale.

The night is my friend and the environment I feel most happy in for the couple of hours that I spend awake. It is the friendliest space to be in, although I am cut off from the night sky and the stars and whatever form the moon is in. The window shades are closed and I'm inside the cozy apartment by the light of a few lamps. I could go outside on the patio and observe the sky, but I'm not curious enough and unwilling to stand in the cold air. If I were a cave woman, I would know, but I've evolved into a modern city dweller who is out of touch with these things. 

My bathrobe and slippers keep me warm. I haven't yet turned up the thermostat. My bathrobe keeps getting bigger on me as I lose weight, but it's a very comfortable piece of clothing to wrap myself in. I need to remember to wash it every once in a while, but it's the only one I have and I'm loathe to do without it. Maybe it's a good idea to get another one for this coming spring. A more lightweight one that is a little easier to wear when the temperatures rise. I'm full of optimism, because the sky has been so blue, and the sun has been shining so brightly, that it's hard not to think that spring is on its way.

There's not one thing in my life that I would do differently than how I'm doing it right now. I'm perfectly contented. That sounds as if I have everything my heart desires, but it really means that I'm easily fulfilled. I've come to wish for one thing only and that is peace of mind and it is something I achieve with regularity. It seems that the less medicines I take, the more serenity I find and I wonder how much of my instability was chemically induced. I seem to be reaching the basic core of myself that's pretty solid and one I can depend on. That's a very self validating thing.

I've ordered a denim skirt on line that's two sizes smaller than the ones I have. It's going to be delivered this afternoon. I can't wait to try it on. I have lots of tops to wear with it, so that's no problem. It will be a good basic piece of clothing to own. I will order a few more skirts over time to replace the ones that are too big. That's the kind of shopping that's very satisfying. 

I wish you the best of days. 

Ciao,

Nora

Gentleness....

Last night I fell asleep with a CD of the sound of a thunderstorm accompanied with gentle music. It was very soothing and I fell asleep about halfway through it. When I woke up in the night to go to the toilet, all was silent in my bedroom and I went straight back to sleep. I slept until 8:30 this morning and enjoyed the serenity that was there instead of the cackle of talk radio. It was a better way to wake up and I probably slept better because of the silence. 

I'm going to try it again tonight with the gentle piano music of Erik Satie. I have two CDs by him and I will look through the rest of my CD collection and see what other soothing music I have there. I think the silence that comes after the music is very important. I seem to sleep better when there is no noise at all. At least I don't get all sorts of subliminal messages from the radio that interfere with my dreams and that makes them more gentle too.

Now I'm sitting here slowly waking up with my coffee and cigarettes. The sun is shining brightly outside and the sky is blue. The sun is hopefully melting the snow in the street. I'm still yawning and think I could have slept another hour or so, but I had to get up, because I'm expecting the Exfactor. I should get dressed before that time, but I'm awfully comfortable in my bathrobe right now. I'll have one more cup of coffee first. 

I was supposed to go see my SPN this afternoon, but the secretary called to say that she was sick, so suddenly there is no rush to the day. I can take it easy, because I don't have to be somewhere at a certain time. That gives me some spare time that I'm sure I'll find a purpose for. I've been reading my own blog archives and I think I will continue to do that. It is very enlightening. 

Well, I think I will get dressed. I'm just dawdling now and not accomplishing much. I don't have much to report either. Everything is fine. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

The frozen world...

I'm having a jolly good time here by myself early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. It's too early for the day to start and do anything seriously active and I can enjoy these quiet hours for a while to come yet. The whole world is silent and as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person awake on the block. There is no sign of life anywhere yet. 

As a result I feel in a very good mood, because I like feeling that I have the world all to myself. It is like being Robinson Crusoe and finding yourself alone on an island with no one else to worry about but yourself. Maybe I have a secret longing for that. No, I would get awfully lonely after awhile. I do need some human contact. Having animals alone for company is not enough. You can only have a one sided conversation with them. 

Tyke would like to believe differently and think we are having a dialogue, but I very often don't quite understand what he wants and have to guess as to his needs that he demands of me. I have to guess until I get it right. It would be easier if he could be clearer from the start. He wags his tail and gets excited if I guess it right. Otherwise he just looks quite dumbfounded at me.

I suppose I am also in a good mood because the weekend is over, although I spent it quite nicely and didn't go crazy. I nursed my little illness and stayed inside because the weather was so bad. It was nice pretending I was very sick because it meant that I was super kind to myself and only did things that I felt like doing. Which in the end was very little like it is most weekends, except that now I didn't feel guilty about it. I guess I can only have a guilt free time off if I think I'm sick. I'll have to be sick more often.

Today I pick up the regular routine. The personal helper is coming and so is the domestic help, but I already started to get back into the swing of things yesterday evening by putting out the trash and getting the mail from the last few days out of the mailbox. And, of course, cleaning up the god awful mess that Tyke had made in the bedroom when he tore apart the old books, the remains of which are now disposed of.  I have to finish clearing the bookcase of all tempting objects today. At least to a height that Tyke can get to. He is a badly behaved dog sometimes.

It will be good to get back into a regular routine, but I don't look back onto this weekend as a wasted one. It was quite cozy and after a false start Friday night, I did re-establish my regular schedule. Up to a point anyway and I did get enough sleep, which always seems to be so very important, but I suppose it is to anyone. I wish for longer nights, but I'm bound to have short ones. It seems getting up is more important than staying in bed to me. It is the call of the silent hours. 

I have to think of a fun outfit to wear today. I'll have to pull open my closet and have a serious look at everything. I'll have to wear layers, because it's a bit cold outside, but here in the apartment it's nice and warm. I don't have to worry about being cold inside. Going into my closet is always a journey of discovery, because I always forget about the clothes I own. Every time I find something that I'd forgotten about and it will be the same thing today. That's the plus side of being absentminded. 

The trash people will be by soon, unless they get held up by the slippery roads. All the slush that was in the streets yesterday got frozen during the night. The paper delivery person will be here any minute. It will officially be the start of the morning. I will have some time to dawdle yet. I don't need to rush. I will take my medicines and wait for them to work. I've had several glasses of cold milk and will make a new pot of coffee and read blogs. The day is young yet. 

Have a great Monday!

Ciao,

Nora