Upwardly middle aged blogging...

I'm so very thirsty, I could drink two liters of cold milk easily. Instead I'm having a cup of coffee which is waking me up, but is not doing much to quench my thirst. It is very good coffee, I've got that down to a science. As long as I make exactly six cups, I know precisely how much ground coffee to put in the filter. That's one formula I know. I should be able to make four cups and eight, but I haven't tried that yet. I always make six. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and had lost a kilo. I wasn't expecting that and was pleasantly surprised. After all, it is in the middle of the night and that's not when I weight the least. All the signs were pointing to it, though. My clothes are roomy and I move around very easily as if I am a skinny person. Maybe I should get used to that and think of myself as one, but I still have what is so kindly called, love handles. I think they are the bane of middle age. 

I have a flat belly and no bottom and no fat on my thighs. I guess you could say I'm blessed, because at least I don't have a pear shape like so many women do. So, I very consciously count my blessings. When it comes to my hip hugging jeans, they don't have too much hip to hug. I'm the perfect candidate for them. I would have been wearing them sooner had I known this earlier, but then again, timing is everything in life and this is probably when I'm meant to wear them.

I think I've had enough coffee because I'm sufficiently awake. I couldn't be more alert than I am now. I've been drinking it from my favorite mug: the one that has my name on it. It's just big enough so that I can finish the coffee before it gets cold. I wish all my mugs were this size. A lot of them are too big and I always end up drinking cold coffee or having to toss it out. Not a lot of thought goes into the design of coffee mugs. It must be thought that bigger is better, as it is with everything in this day and age. 

Except, of course, that women are supposed to be an unobtainable size zero, which is only achieved by being anorexic and having an overindulgent exercise program. I do say this after proudly proclaiming that I've lost another kilo. 

I was supposed to have watched 'Wallander' last night, but it was on late and I didn't have the energy to stay up to watch it. I went to bed a half hour before it came on. I was only half sorry that I missed it needing my sleep so much. There's nothing I look forward to more than going to bed at night, sleeping for the few hours that I do anyway. 

The dog and the cat get on the bed with me and we have a cuddling session before everybody settles down for the night. There's sure a lot of loving going around. The dog is especially nice to pet now that all of his thick curls have been trimmed. He's a smooth dog and my fingers don't get tangled in his fur. He smells better too. 

Today it's supposed to be 24C and tomorrow and the day after that it will be 32C. It will be a regular heatwave. After that the temperatures are going down and we will have rain again. I'm going to have to dress appropriately and this will be the perfect opportunity to wash both pairs of skinny jeans on a high temperature to shrink them a bit. They are a little bit roomy. I could have done with a smaller size, but I thought that was impossible and too hard to believe.

I will now go and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. I've got to take my medicines because it has become dawn. I'm not ready yet to go back to bed. Maybe I will sit in my armchair and read my novel. I've got a tall glass of cold milk to quench my thirst.

I hope you'll all have a very good Sunday. Don't exhaust yourselves doing too many things. It is a day of rest, after all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Soothingly familiar...

I'm enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 

The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that's important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I've already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 

I'm actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn't take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can't have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.

Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 

The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don't think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 

This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can't wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 

During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I'm curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 

We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I'll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That's more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I'm already past his goal. 

Well, I think I'll get ready to go back to bed. I've got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

No depth to them tonight...

I didn't have any deep existentialist thoughts when I woke up tonight, which is just as well as I don't want to overburden my mind too much, although it did give me some blog fodder yesterday. It gave me a subject to write about anyway, while now I'm going to have to pull a rabbit out of my hat, so to speak. Writing cold turkey, with nothing specific on my mind, is a real challenge and I don't know if I can pull it off. 

There, I've already mentioned two animals that I'm not in possession of. A rabbit and a turkey and they are both good to eat. I can testify to that. I ate them both when I was still eating meat and could very easily eat them again, except that my conscious would bother me too much, but I sure did enjoy the taste of them. 

I generally like eating meat, providing it is cooked well and doesn't remind me of the animal too much. I dislike cold luncheon meats, especially if it has bits and chunks in it, but I do like ham as it is unrecognizable and tasty. But of course, I don't eat any of it anymore, except for the chicken in chicken and pasta soup. 

I do make an exception for that. I figure I need the little bit of protein I get from it and it is good for me. I can't be a full time saint. I find it difficult to be the best kid in the class all the time. I try to ignore the hopeless fate of the chickens as much as possible when I eat the soup. 

Actually, my favorite dish to eat when I still ate meat was roasted quail and lobster. I would have walked a mile for it. It was finger licking good and very decadent. I think I will have it for my last meal. The lobster at any rate, dipped in melted butter. Oh, I get hungry just thinking about it. I'm a principled meat loving vegetarian.

Well, let's talk about something other than food or I'm going to have to raid the refrigerator. Not that there are very exciting things in there. I do take care that there aren't. There are only the basics in there and nothing really decadent at all. You will find no Belgian bonbons there, icy cold and ready to pop into my mouth. Or ice cream in the freezer. There's chocolate pudding there, but I save that for dessert. It's a rule. 

Some rules about food can't be broken and I live by them as strictly as I live with my own particular day and night schedule. I eat certain things at certain times of the day and I sleep and take naps at certain times of the day and night. I find that predictability is the most comfortable and what I'm the most at ease with. If I do things at certain preset times, I'm most likely to get through the day and night successfully.

I'm having a tall glass of ice cold milk now and it usually takes care of any cravings I have, whatever sort of a craving it is. My taste buds and stomach get fooled into thinking they're having something really good and are satisfied, Isn't that an easy solution? I lose my longing for ice cream right away and I don't need to eat bonbons because my stomach gets full. 

There, it all started out with a rabbit and a turkey and that's where I'll end and I'm so not hungry for them now. These are the deepest thoughts I had tonight. They were all about food and for a change not about clothes, which is another subject I like to write about. More on that later, no doubt. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. I was dressed almost warm enough yesterday. It was a bit chillier than I expected. It will be again today. It's hard to decide what to wear. I hope you have nice weather.

Ciao,

Nora

...and then it was morning.

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don't need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I'm enjoying every cup that I drink. 

I do know a good thing when I have it and I'm grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I'm careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 

I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that's the point I was trying to make. 

I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser's chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don't pay attention to them and I don't think of what other people see.I think that's for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she's going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I'm fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.

I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I'll still have my psychiatrist, although he's less good for the emotional issues. I'll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I'll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 

The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won't be for another hour. It's supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 

Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn't bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That's turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it's great fun, but I don't think so. 

I hope you'll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you're about to go to bed, sleep tight. 

Ciao,

Nora

If I go slowly, I will surely get there...

If I start writing this post slowly now and take my time, it will be tomorrow by the time I'm done. All I have to do is not be in a rush and I really do think that's the most comfortable way to write anyway. Since I seldom consciously allow myself that luxury, I will take full advantage of it and go as slowly as I can. I will even repeat myself if that is necessary to prolong the process. In the meantime, I will make myself some coffee to make the whole experience as holistic as possible. 

I should find some food to eat too, but I will postpone that for a while. It is hard to eat and write at the same time, besides that, you get crumbs in the keyboard. My domestic help is good about getting those out, but I'm afraid that in her enthusiasm she will one day shake loose the keys. 

I have already slept, having gone to bed early, but it was inevitable that I'd wake up again after a few hours. I will go back to sleep eventually, but not until I've gone through the lengthy process of getting into the proper mood again. I've got to get to the point that I'll look forward to going to bed and that it's the only place where I want to be. Luckily, I'm already yawning, so hopefully it won't take too long. 

I stood by the back door a while ago to let out the dog and inhaled the fresh night air and now the smell of it is embedded in my system. It's like it's penetrated my pajamas because I keep smelling it, but I'm sure it's just my imagination. It's  as if I've got freshly laundered clothes on and I've been washed in spring rain. It's very pleasant and all I can think is that it must be an imaginary olfactory experience I'm having.  I'm sure I don't really smell like this. And by the way, no washing powder or shower gel comes close to smelling this way. 

The wind has stopped blowing so hard. It was a cold wind that was blowing from the north east and it is slowly going to start blowing from the south which will make things warmer by the weekend. I'm looking forward to that. It does mean that I can hang the laundry outside to dry because there is no rain in the forecast. Things should dry pretty quickly. 

I've got groceries in the house again because the Exfactor did them yesterday. I was completely out of milk and to me that is very serious. That means I can't drink tall glasses of it and I have to put powdered creamer in my coffee. I still had other supplies so I wasn't completely destitute. There was enough left to eat. I suppose I care most about the milk. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some ice cream, so It mustn't have been very important. I'll try to remember next time because in the middle of the night like this, I feel like having a bowl of it. 

I just had a bowl of chocolate pudding and that prevented me from getting any crumbs into the keyboard. It was very good and filling. I forgot all about having that in the refrigerator. There's nothing like sleeping on a full stomach, so I suppose I should think about going to bed. It is tomorrow now, after all. 

I hope you'll all sleep tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

It's tomorrow already...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette wasting my time. I should be asleep and I had vowed that I would be, but I woke up nevertheless. Never one to miss an opportunity, I'm writing a post, of course. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

I have to wait until I get sleepy again and it may take some time and that's not because I had the coffee. I will sleep regardless of it. I just have to get into the proper mindset to go to sleep again. I have to long for my bed and I'm not there yet. 

I am yawning, so that's a good sign. I have a tear rolling down my cheek. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning so hard that I have to be careful not to dislocate my jaw.

I can't take myself seriously right now and I feel that anything I write will be nonsense. That's because I don't want to write about anything serious. I want to leave all those subjects alone. I only want to write about things that don't matter, like about how good the coffee tastes and how good that glass of milk is going to taste that I'm going to have in a minute. 

I feel like having a banana split with a huge dollop of whipped cream on top. Real whipped cream, not the kind that comes from a can. Some ice cream would taste real good right now. Vanilla with real bits of vanilla bean in it. I will make myself happy with the cold milk instead. That's almost as good. 

It rained all day yesterday which made it cozy to be inside, but I did have to turn the lights on and I had the heater on too later in the day. I even wore warm clothes. My mood went from bad to worse and I slept all afternoon, which made me feel better. Sleep always restores me. It bans bad thoughts. 

I've got to go back to bed and sleep as long as I possibly can. I have to set some kind of record. I mustn't be fooled into getting up in a few hours. I must stay in bed and sleep. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Fooling my brain....

I'm up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I've had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I'm in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That's how much I like cold milk. The fact that it's nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.

Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I'm planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It's such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 

I'm to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I'm making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don't quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it's the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 

I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It's pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I'll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That's when it tastes best. There's nothing worse than overheated coffee. I'm already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It's got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 

I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 

It's going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I'm more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I'm all that comfortable with. I'm not all that happy when it's too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don't mind when it's not all that hot. 

The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there's to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it's a big deal when they are canceled.

I'm not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It's for the best because I don't need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It's best when I don't have any around. To me it's just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It's an extra long weekend, that's nice. 

I will mess around with my blog templates next. I'm not quite happy with what I've got now and I have time to do something about them now. I'm full of caffeine, after all. 

I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

With time and patience...

After the unfortunate reaction on my part after meeting my first ex-husband, I had a real good discussion about it with my personal helper on Monday morning and that seemed to have helped me a great deal. She pointed out the fact that I was a human being with very human feelings and that it was not so strange that I reacted to him the way I did. I have subsequently had a good blogging friend point out the same thing to me, and even illustrate it with a story of her own, so I feel much better now. 

I haven't had to take anymore extra medication and to me that is a good sign. It means I am more steady on my feet and more solidly held together. I'm not falling apart anymore, although I look back in horror at the time when I did and at anything that reminds me of it. Even the clothes that I wore. They all need to be washed before I will wear them again. I don't even want to wear the boots I was wearing. They will need to be banned for a while. 

I feel like doing something radical such as rearranging the bookcase, but I've managed to keep myself from doing that huge chore yet. I don't want to bite off more than I can chew and really need to set apart a time for that. For now I just want to be content that I feel more normal again and that I seem to be back in control of myself. The fact that this is so, fills me with joy and I feel as if I've escaped some sort of sentence. 

Of course, anything I say during the night mustn't be held against me and I don't want to be held accountable for it. During the night I am an eternal optimist and always see the glass more than half full. It's how I feel during the day that will really count, although it is strange that those feelings should be more legitimate. I'm alive during the night too, after all, and I sleep half the day.

I'm sitting here drinking cold milk now and getting a bit chilled from it, but it is ever so good for my thirst. I will go back to bed shortly because I'm tired enough to sleep some more. I'm sure I have no interesting things left to do here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Is there no rest for the wicked?

Since it's so very early in the morning, I won't worry about how wicked I apparently am. I figure that I've got at least several hours before I have to face the truth of that question and by that time it may not be relevant anymore. I may have forgotten all about it. For now I will just enjoy these quiet hours that are given me in which to write this post and in which to announce as much nonsense as I can think of. I'm sure that if I let my mind take it's silly course, it will come up with all sorts of good stuff, providing I don't censor myself too much. 

I slept as much as I was able to, I woke up once and forced myself to go back to sleep, but that didn't work the second time. The second time, my eyes popped open and I practically jumped out of bed, ready to get the coffee started in the kitchen and turn on the computer. I was as eager as a young puppy to get up and play. This not withstanding the fact that I had taken the new sleeping pills. Much good they do me. I slept 6 hours last night and now I slept 5 hours. I'm defying medical science. 

Nevertheless, It's with a certain amount of contentment that I sit here and have my coffee and cigarettes. What better way to start the day. If the wicked can celebrate the early morning in that way, it pays to be wicked. The best thing is that I'm doing it at a clean desk because I uncluttered it yesterday. All I have left to do is sort out a stack of papers and I think half of them can go into the recycle box. 

I suddenly realized that I was working at a desk topped with unnecessary junk and took care of it in the shortest amount of time. I got rid of what had no business being there and rearranged everything else n a more pleasant manner. This suddenly gave me all sorts of space and I felt that my life was suddenly much less complicated. 

So, that's all it takes to make your life simple. You simply take the clutter off your desk. It unclutters you mind at the same time. I'm going to apply this trick to the rest of my apartment and be free of worries. It will give me a Zen like environment free to contemplate my navel in.

Speaking of that, I haven't taken the opportunity to contemplate my navel in a while and miss the exercise. Maybe that's what's missing in my life. I need to get back to my armchair to meditate in. Providing the pesky dog doesn't bother me with requests for games with his ball and petting sessions and wanting to climb  on my lap to embrace me and lick my face. And that's not even speaking of the cat who will want to get her time in also and infest my clothes with cat hair. The next time I will get a black cat to match my clothes. 

I've just about had all the coffee I want and have switched to cold milk. It does perk me up too with its nice chilled effect. It's the nicest thing next to an ice cream sundae. Every glass is a treat. 

I've got to plan my day. The domestic help is coming because it's Friday again, much to my surprise. But then it always is, isn't it? I'm never prepared for Fridays. They always sort of sneak up on me. The week goes by in a whirl and then suddenly it's the weekend and I always have mixed feelings about it. I wish I could get my head straight about that,

I'm not going to go and find the warmth and safety of my bed. I will stay up and start the day when the sun comes up. I will have to save whatever sleep I didn't get until tonight.

Have a happy day!

Ciao,

Nora

On a cold spring day...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off. The bedroom window is open and the heater is turned off. I'm airing out the place and stubbornly refuse to change the situation. I should put on more clothes, but I also refuse to do that. I guess I'm being very Calvinistic and must believe in minor suffering. As long as my teeth aren't chattering, I think I can handle it. On top of everything, I had a glass of cold milk and that made me extra cold. I think I will have a cup of hot coffee next. It's the most sensible thing to do.

My personal helper was here this morning and together we walked Tyke and did the dishes. Doing the dishes with another person makes them less of a bothersome chore. I had just received approval by mail to have 4 hours a week of personal help for another 5 years. Isn't that wonderful? Now we won't have to reapply every year, which is a long drawn out process. This comes at a time of major cut backs when many people have their applications turned down, so I got very lucky.

Getting the approval has taken a lot of stress off my shoulders because I was prepared to get turned down and was worried about opening the envelope when it came in the mail. As a matter of fact, I put it off for a whole day before I dared open it. You can imagine what a relief it was when I saw the year 2016 in the extension box. I suppose somebody is watching over me.

It's overcast outside and windy. It's a cold wind and it's supposed to rain later on. It's not pleasant to walk the dog. I do think I liked the sunshine better, but I can never make up my mind about these things. Inside it is cozy and I have some of the lights on. I'm glad that the dishes are done, but I still have to hang up the laundry and wash another load. 

I've closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater and put on a heavy cardigan. I've also had a cup of coffee. Common sense did prevail.

I'm very sleepy and need to take a nap. I slept 8 hours last night, but I guess that still wasn't enough. I have a terrible desire to go to sleep. I think I will go lie down in my bed and get warm and comfortable.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Postponing sleep...

I ought to be asleep by now and I laid in bed for a while, but I could not get to sleep. I was too restless and decided to get up again. It's better to sit here than to toss and turn in bed, listening to endless commentaries on football games that I'm not interested in. A little bit of that goes a long way and sometimes I just don't care enough. I do have my football intake limit.

I made some coffee to get over the grogginess and I'm having my second cup. This will not prevent me from falling asleep later on when I'm ready to go back to bed. It will merely prevent me from being grumpy as I sit here. It will re-establish my equilibrium. I'm somewhat thrown off course by being up. Normally I sleep a few hours before I get up. Now I have to do it cold turkey. It's like getting thrown into the deep end before you have your diploma. 

I will be alright in the shortest amount of time. I just have to find my rhythm and my chutzpah. I always have them close at hand. It's like playing the blues, you have to be ready to do it any time of the day or night. It just needs a little warm up. I'm not going to play the blues though, or anything like it. I'm not in that kind of mood. I'd have to feel melancholy for that and that's one thing I'm not. I'm too positively inclined. 

I'm always seeing the glass half full, even if it's darn near empty. Somehow it gets filled again. Call it karma or good luck, but something always works out. I've stopped being scared that it doesn't, although I do give it some thought and don't live carelessly. On the contrary, I live very carefully, always with one eye on tomorrow. It would be reckless to say that I live with abandon, because I don't. I lead a carefully orchestrated life and everything is done with a purpose. So is everything I don't do. That's to prevent me from making mistakes. 

I've switched to drinking cold milk and I'm still sufficiently sleepy. I ought to be able to go back to bed in a while. At least I don't feel restless anymore. Besides, it's the weekend and I can sleep late and take naps during the day tomorrow if I wish to. I usually have one screwed up night during the weekend, so I suppose that this is the one. It would have been better if I'd had a true purpose to get up on time in the morning. Then I would have tried to go to sleep harder.

Sleep tight!

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

I'm sitting here with a tall glass of cold milk and a cigarette. It is in the middle of the night, but I've already slept for a long time, because I went to bed early yesterday evening. Today is my day off. I can spend it as I wish, within reason, as long as I walk Tyke and do some of my chores. 

It's the kind of day that I look forward to. I do very much like leisurely days in which nothing important is on the schedule and no one is coming to visit me. That doesn't mean that I'm anti-social, because I also appreciate the days when someone does. I do like to keep these days finely balanced. A little bit of everything is perfect. 

The milk tastes great and is perking me right up. I had a cup of coffee, but for a change I wasn't in the mood for another cup. That's highly unusual. The milk is agreeing better with me than the coffee did and is waking up my brain. It must be the coldness of it. It's almost as good as having a cold dessert. In my case that would have to be something like an ice cream sundae with whipped cream on top. I haven't had one of those in ages, but I do have the memory of one.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries and I had him buy me three cartons of low fat yogurt. I'm all done eating vanilla pudding and I was in the mood for something completely different. I do like the slightly sour taste of plain yogurt. For lack of space in the bike bags, I didn't have him buy me any buttermilk, although I was in the mood for that too. Maybe I'll have him get me that the next time.  It's something I have been craving.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to not reduce my sleep medication right now because I had not been sleeping well. Sleeping well is so important and it is really detrimental to my well being if I don't. I don't function as well during the day if I haven't had a good night's sleep. That includes the hours that I sleep in the early morning after I go back to bed. I am reducing the anti-depressives some more and started that yesterday, but I'm not the least bit concerned about that. That will be fine. 

I also saw my SPN and we are now going to see each other once every two weeks, because it's not really necessary to see each other more often. We don't have that much to discuss. We will reduce the visits more as we go along.

I think that now I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not morning yet and I have some hours left before it will be. I'm yawning and more than ready to go back to sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Storm...

It's storming outside, making it feel cold inside too while it really isn't. It just makes you feel that way. The wind is noisily blowing down the street. I feel chilled even with my warm bathrobe on. It sounds like an autumn storm in February. At least it's not nearly cold enough to freeze, so that's a blessing. We do have to keep looking at the  positive side of things. It just as easily could be cold and snowing now, because it is the time of year for it and last year it did.

For a change I slept through the night while I dreamed many interesting dreams and woke up a couple of times in a sweat, but went back to sleep again immediately. I was very busy during the night, you might say. I even attempted to speak Spanish, but it came out as French. I never did learn enough Spanish to get around well, not even in my dreams. I keep dreaming about my first ex-husband who then proceeds to have pity parties and tries to make me feel guilty and do things I don't want to do. I do resist him and stick to my guns. I don't like dreaming about him and wonder why I still do. I must have some unfinished business with him. 

I'm having my cups of coffee now and very welcome they are too. I was fully awake when I got up, but I do need my coffee to really start functioning. I think I've had enough now and that I will switch to cold milk, because I'm thirsty.I would drink lemonade or juice if they would agree with my stomach better. Milk seems to settle the best, but everything makes me burp. That's because in my eagerness to quench my thirst, I drink it quickly. 

I always wake up with a very sore knee, but once I get up and start moving around, it gets better. It's when I sit in one position too long that it starts to bother me. Especially sleeping seems to be the worst thing for it. I sleep on my side and must lie in a way that hurts my knee the most. I don't get the feeling that it's getting better, but I suppose that I have to be patient. I am a middle aged lady, after all, and things may take longer to heal.

I ended up not going to my psychiatrist yesterday, because my appointment was for in the evening and I didn't feel like going out in the dark and cold weather. I canceled it and made a new appointment for next week during the day. That means I'm staying on these doses of medicines for now. That's okay. There's no need to rush the reductions. I just now feel that I'm at ease with the latest reduction, because I was a little bit wobbly every once in a while, although I wasn't sure it was because of that. It could have been because of anything. It's better to wait a while and to be sure of myself.

I went to my sister yesterday afternoon and had espressos and Italian cookies. The espressos always perk me up wonderfully and I don't need coffee for the rest of the day. The cookies were good, they were made of whole wheat flour  and only my gastric band prevented me from eating more than two of them. Which reminds me that I forgot to go on the bathroom scale this morning. Apparently I'm not clearheaded enough to think of that. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and so is the domestic help. I will have to clean up the kitchen and change my bed before that time. Another load of laundry is just what I need. At least I feel awake enough to tackle that. 

Here's hoping you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

No, I haven't...

I haven't nearly had enough sleep, because Tyke woke me up barking twice for no reason that I could figure out. I had to get him quiet immediately and spent some time entertaining him, which woke me up almost completely, but I wasn't ready to be awake. I did get up eventually, instead of lying there in the dark, and went on the bathroom scale where I saw that I had lost another kilo. 

That almost got me over my grouchiness and I figured a cup of coffee would do the rest. I'm attempting now to be in a good mood, but I'm not quite there yet. It's going to take at least another cup of coffee and maybe a nap on the sofa. People shouldn't get up at ungodly hours and have to start the day. Nothing good will come of it. I think I need a can of Red Bull. 

I feel like doing nothing but complain about the early hour of the day and I wonder how people do it every day who have to go to a job. Do they get up cheerfully and shower and get dressed and get out of the house on time? How do they do that? They must need their requisite cups of coffee to get them kick started. They have to decide what to wear and put on their clothes in the right order, all the while under pressure to be somewhere on time. 

I also have to complain about my knee. It is bothering me and I'm not a happy camper. It is better if I walk around on it, but as soon as I come to rest, it starts to hurt, no matter what position I have it in. It's very wearisome and I'd like to be rid of my knee and have another one. A brand new twenty year old knee, even if it doesn't match the rest of me. I could be like the bionic woman and have new parts. 

I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and am starting to feel some semblance of normality. I've stopped yawning, which is good, because my jaw threatened to get stuck. Leave it to coffee to help me start to feel better. I'm drinking it with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It's not all that horrible and it's better than drinking it black. I used to drink my coffee black when I was very stoic. I don't remember when I started taking milk in it again, but couldn't do without it now. There is a limit to how much I want to deprive myself. I do deprive myself of a lot of things already. I've had a hunkering for a meatball for a week, for instance, but I won't eat it. 

I suppose I have to decide what I'm going to do now. I think I will get dressed and watch the repeats of the news and see if I'm truly awake. If not, I'll go lie down on the sofa. The Exfactor is supposed to come over this morning to do the groceries and I'll have to get a shopping list ready. I do feel tired still and really not ready to start the day. I want to rest my knee too. It's protesting wildly. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

Not enough of a good thing...

I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette. I just woke up from a short nap on the sofa, which made me feel a lot better than I did before I took it. I was a bit discombobulated and feeling like I wasn't quite all together and thought it was because of the missing pill. I've just now taken all my evening medicines and should be doing okay in no time at all. 

Outside it is raining and melting a lot of the snow and ice, which is good. I wish it would rain more and really get rid of it. I would love to see clean streets and sidewalks. I'm afraid that the rain isn't coming down hard enough to wash away the toughest of the ice. It really needs to pour for that.

Maybe I should do a rain dance, though I'm not related to any kind of an aboriginal at all and probably don't have the right powers and accouterments. The gods would not be fooled by me, a western European woman. I probably can't dance down the rain, but I could give it an honest effort. Can you see me now, out on the patio? That would be a sight!

It's already dark outside and the streetlights are on. I still have the window shades up and can see a splatter of rain hit the windows every now and then. Inside it's cozy with the lamps and the heater on. I've just fed the animals, so they are happy. They do patiently wait in the kitchen until I notice them there. Not a peep out of them. I wish Tyke would be more assertive and carry his dish to me. Or that Gandhi would at least meow.

The Exfactor was here earlier in the day to drink coffee. He could actually make it up the street on his motorcycle. He has been having to park it at the beginning of the street and walk the rest of the way, because it was too slippery.

He told me the same story of how many films he took apart and how many trailers of films and how many advertisements and how long it took him. It makes me cross eyed with boredom. He only has a couple of stories and he tells me the same ones over and over again. He's like an old demented man. I feel that he's slowly driving me mad with them.

It's possible that we don't have enough to talk about for two visits in the week. I certainly don't know enough except for what I hear on the news, so I don't have that much to contribute.

Well, that's really all I've got to tell you, speaking of interesting contributions.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In the land of do not sleep...

It's very early in the morning, as it usually is when I write a post, so there's nothing new there. I need not even mention it anymore, but it's such a convenient way to start a sentence. I'm having my coffee and cigarettes, as is usual too and I shouldn't have to mention that either, but it sets the scene. I'm sitting by the light of the desk lamp in my bathrobe and slippers. Do I ever sit here any differently? You'd be surprised if I wrote that I'm sitting here totally naked with strawberries stuck up my nose. Well, I'm not, don't fear. 

I didn't sleep all night long like I wished. I did have that intention, but my wish didn't come true. Like so many other nights, I woke up to go to the toilet and was wide awake after that. Tyke needed to go out and I made coffee. I do have enough sense to make coffee and not rely on a glass of milk to get me to rejoin the living. That doesn't work. Milk addles my brain and works like a tranquilizer. Coffee makes me sharp and quick witted. I don't think I'm supposed to drink milk when I write a blog post. It immediately dulls my senses. It's okay for watching television with. I seem to have that reaction to milk. 

I went to sleep last night without listening to the radio or to any music. I just laid in the almost dark and closed my eyes and tried to push away any intruding thoughts. I thought of pleasant things, mostly. Whenever something unpleasant popped up, I concentrated on the different parts of my body and how relaxed they were. I did notice that, because there was no radio or no music, I had a tune running through my head on my own continuously. It wasn't anything familiar and I thought maybe I was an undiscovered composer. Yeah, right. And Vivaldi was my ancestor. 

I fell asleep within 20 minutes. It wasn't such a bad thing to lie there and wait to fall asleep. I know that if I were to read a book, it would take me much longer, because I would get absorbed in what I was reading. I'm trying to keep the stimuli to a minimum and find the best way to fall asleep and stay asleep. It's still very elusive to me. Staying asleep, that is. Once in a while when it happens, I'm always pleasantly surprised and I wonder what I did right. Apparently I got it wrong this night. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to wear today. It's going to be a balmy 6 degrees Celsius and it's going to rain this afternoon. It will be near tropical weather (42F). That calls for a whole different outfit than I've been wearing. I will look in my closet and see what sort of exciting things are there. 

It's much too early to start the day, but I suppose I will. There's no time like the present to do the things I must do. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Affectionately yours...

It's not so early in the morning for a change, because I actually managed to sleep a little later than usual. How I did this, I don't know. I'm surprised myself, but I do feel well rested now and I won't have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I won't have a chance for that anyway, because my Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be dressed and ready before she gets here. 

I'm having my coffee now and have just about used up the last of the milk. The Exfactor didn't make it over here yesterday to do the groceries because of the weather, but he will be here today instead. The conditions have grown somewhat milder and the snow is even melting a bit. 

I've had to make things last and was down to the last of the milk and out of juice and completely out of rawhide bones for Tyke, which he always gets at night when we go to bed. They keep him occupied and out of trouble. At least, they are supposed to. It doesn't always work. Sometimes he devours them in a hurry and has spare time left to go look for ways to entertain himself. 

Luckily, I had lemonade left, so when I was really thirsty, as I am so often, I could drink tall glasses of that, but I miss drinking cold milk and can't wait to have that in the refrigerator again. I have it set on the coldest temperature so the milk will be extra cold.

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 2 kilos and am now just about the weight I'm supposed to be. I'm one kilo over, but I'm sure I'll lose that too. Especially now that I've cut back on the anti-psychotics, because that's the medication that makes you gain weight, no matter how well you watch what you eat. You can eat like a bird and still gain weight. It's very frustrating. 

I have to call the hairdresser today and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It's gotten completely unruly and only looks good when I've just washed it. It's about time that I go to the hairdresser. It's a treat I enjoy and I haven't been for a while. I've been short of money and had to wait for the right opportunity. It's presented itself now. It will be nice to have my hair cut into a decent style again. Something I can easily manage and that is back into shape in no time after I've washed it. You do have to maintain your short haircut. You can't neglect it. That's the one drawback of having short hair. 

I have to get dressed. It's time to get the day started. Several chores await me. It will be nice to get some things done before my personal helper gets here. I'm terribly thirsty and need to drink several glasses of ice cold lemonade before my thirst is quenched. Off I go. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetful time...

It's early in the morning and I'm brewing a cup of coffee. I just had a glass of cold milk, but now I need some caffeine. The milk has made me feel cold and I have to turn up the thermostat to get warm again. I had it turned down low for the night. 

It is raining outside and it looks like it has been all night because almost all of the snow and the ice are gone. The streets and the sidewalks are just about clear again, which is great. There will be no slipping and sliding when I go outside today. I will be able to walk Tyke again in the usual manner and that will be a great relief to both of us. We've been cooped up inside enough and are getting cabin fever. 

I'm sure I've never appreciated rain as much as I do now. I'll be able to ride my bike to the tobacco shop and that is a lot easier than having to walk there on the slippery sidewalks in this neighborhood. Riding my bike had been an impossibility and I don't know how the Exfactor managed it when he went to get my groceries. I suppose he is more fearless than I am and not afraid to fall and break something. Maybe his male hormones make him more brave or foolhardy. Either way, he got them done. 

Today he is coming over for a cup of coffee and the domestic help will be here as well, which means I have to clean up the apartment a bit. I always have to clean up the apartment before she comes. I have to put some order into it anyway, so it will be easy for her to clean it. 

And much to my surprise it is Friday again, which seems impossible. It means I have to prepare myself for the weekend and not have it be another unstructured waste of time. I can pretend I'm sick again and spend it in my bathrobe. It did have its appeal. It made me feel safe and cloistered, as if I was hibernating in a sheltered place.. 

I can also be more engaged and get dressed and take Tyke for regular walks and fill my days with more interesting activities, but then I do have to pull the wool over my own eyes and pretend I have those. I'll just watch a lot of television and act like that matters. There will be cultural programs on and lots of sports. I'll pretend to be engaged by them. I must care about something, recluse that I am. 

I'll find some comfortable clothes to wear that are also warm and I don't have to wear my hiking boots anymore. That's a relief anyway. I can wear another pair of boots. It will be a sport to stand in front of the closet and pick out the right outfit for the weekend. I'll opt for comfort more than anything. I'm in that kind of mood. 

So okay, the weekend will be about comfort and warmth and it's starting today. A day early, I'm cheating a bit. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Drinking coffee early in the morning...

I got up early, though I had not gone to sleep until 10 pm, and doubtlessly that means I will have to take a nap later today. I may try to stay up and save any tiredness that I feel for the nighttime and try and sleep really well then. I'll have to wait and see how well I do today. 

Someone mentioned, on an other blog, that your need for sleep changes as you get older and that you need less of it at night. It would be nice if I could blame my short nights on that. I remember my parents always needing a nap in the afternoon as they got older. Maybe that applies to me. Maybe I am an older person now, though I would hate to think of myself that way. 

Maybe it is all a very personal matter and it depends on your individual internal clock and how it is set. Mine seems to be set for shorter nights, with an occasional exception, and naps in the afternoon. I'm sure there is no good or bad or right or wrong, but just a system that works well for each person. You have to accept what works for you and live with that, as long as you get enough sleep in the end and you don't do all of it during the day, like I was doing for a while because of the tranquilizers. 

I had a very satisfying session with my SPN yesterday morning in which I closed the chapter of my first marriage, because I think I'm done with it.  I've gained a lot of understanding about it and about my own role in it.  I can look back and see how events unfolded and why things happened the way they did and why it ended the way it did. I've been relieved of a huge burden that I carried with me for a lot of years and that really weighed me down. 

I'll be moving on to the next chapter and that is my marriage to the Exfactor, which needs to be discussed, though it is not nearly as pressing as my first marriage was. Having said that, I wonder what's going to come to the surface in those talks, because a lot of things happened in our marriage that are not so admirable from the side of either party. There's not going to be a blaming game going on. Just an attempt at understanding. 

I've had my coffee in the meantime and I have switched to cold milk. It's making me burp something awful and I'm a regular orchestra all by myself. Tyke and Gandhi are the only audience members, so I don't have to be embarrassed. 

My head's still on awfully straight. I haven't stopped being sensible yet. I don't know what's come over me. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I better take advantage of it and do sensible things.  One sensible thing I'm going to do now is get dressed and walk the dog. At least I will get that out of the way.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora