No, I'm not a harried housewfie...

It is now day three since I quit smoking and my most successful day so far. I don't nearly feel the frustration today that I felt the first two days. I still want to light up a cigarette all the time, but I'm less disappointed when I realize that I can't. I'm finding my peace with it, I guess. 

I don't nearly have enough things to do during the day now that I don't spend it smoking and frantically try to think of activities. It's difficult to sit and do nothing. I have to keep myself busy and I have the energy for it also. The apartment has never been so organized.

I do take the dog for walks when I'm bored and make the walks a bit longer than they used to be. We both benefit from that. I try to think of interesting routes to follow that we have not gone on before and take all sorts of side streets. The dog thinks it's great and happily follows me.

I've spent time redecorating the livingroom and all I have left to do now is make a curtain shorter and I will do that tomorrow when I have nothing else on the program. The sewing machine isn't working so I will use iron on tape to make the hem with. After the sewing machine is repaired, I will fix the hem properly.

I've got a new chair to sit in with a new cushion and a new pillow in it. I feel like I'm sitting on a throne. The problem is that the cat has decided that this is her chair as well and lies down in it whenever I get up. When I want to sit down in it, I have to disturb her and I feel bad about doing that, even though she gets to lie down on my lap. The dog thinks it's strange when I sit down on the sofa instead and chases the cat out of the chair. I don't want his loyalty to me to go quite that far, but he feels called upon to do this.

I've got to take the dog for a walk. He's sitting beside me begging to go and I can't ignore him any longer. Off we go. 

Ciao,

Nora

In from the cold...

I'm sitting here warming myself with a cup of hot coffee after having just walked the dog in the cool evening air. It wasn't actually all that cold and all I had on was my short leather jacket and a scarf. That's pushing my luck just a little bit, but I refuse to put on my winter coat unless I absolutely have to. I'll put it off until the last possible minute. Call me stubborn if you have to. I refuse to own up to the fact that it's almost winter. As long as there's no snow, I'll pretend it isn't. I'm in fact in total denial. 

The sun was shining this afternoon after the day started of dreary and drizly. As long as the sun shines, I'm full of hope. All around the bits of clouds I saw lots of blue sky. It hasn't actually rained all that much either. Not as much as was predicted, so we got off easy. The farmers needed the rain and nature did too, but for us ordinary human beings it was nice. It's especially nice not to get rained on when you're out on your bike. It's tough to dress for the rain and the cold.

My hairdo appreciates no rain also because I've got it just right now. I don't have to use an overabundance of hairspray on it and it stays in place real well all day even if there's wind outside. I know, I'm so self centered to think of it. It's true, I'm a very self absorbed woman.

My carefully applied nail polish has already chipped on three nails and I thought that nail polish was much tougher than that. There must be some that can withstand the test of time or how else is a woman supposed to look decent for any length of time? I'll have to fix them tonight because now I look ridiculous. It does take an effort to look beautiful. Nobody ever said it was easy. You do have to have the odd spare hour to put into it. 

Sometimes, when my mind gets into that space, I get very preoccupied with my looks and I can get very absorbed with my clothes and make up. They take on very important roles in my life. Luckily, I do have the time and energy, as a rule, to spend on them. I don't mind giving them the extra mental energy that they require. It's fun to think about fixing myself up to look pretty for even the least amount of audience. Because, really, how many people see me? I mostly have to do it for my own sake. 

The coffee tastes excellent and is putting me in a good frame of mind. I don't know if it's just the coffee or the fact that it's Friday evening and that it's the weekend. I must say, that despite everything I claim, I still like the weekends the best, although why this is so is a mystery to me. I'll leave that unanalyzed and unexplained. Not everything in life needs to be figured out. 

I'm going to put clean sheets on my bed in a little while so I can look forward to going to sleep tonight. That sounds as if I ever have a problem with that. Of course, I don't. Going to bed and sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and I never think that I will not sleep when I go to lie down under the duvet. It's staying asleep that I have a problem with, but then I do amuse myself when I'm up. In my own convoluted way I do end up getting enough sleep. That's the main concern. I haven't turned into a zombie yet. 

I better get the show on the road. I've got a few things to do and the news to watch also. I must be well informed because we face turbulent times in Europe.

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Never mind the foolishness...

I've been up for a couple of hours and had two cups of coffee. I had gone to bed on time, but once I was lying there, I realized that I was not at all sleepy, although it took me an hour to figure that out. That's how long I stayed in bed anyway. 

I figured it was pretty futile to continue lying there and got up again and made some coffee and turned on the computer. There were emails to answer and comments to read. Those were good enough pastimes for me. 

After that, I finished reading all the blog posts of 'The Gaff Giraffe' which had taken me a couple of days to do. It was very educational and showed me again how neurotic I can get sometimes and how completely like an unguided missile, and how very boring I can get at other times. Like a true bipolar person, I guess. From one extreme to the other.

I'm starting to yawn now and am going to have to find my bed soon. In the meantime, I'm drinking cold milk which is bound to make me sleepy. As soon as I stop drinking coffee, I start going downhill. It almost makes me want to make more coffee again so I will have more energy. I'm not quite ready to go back to bed. 

Since it is officially Saturday now, I feel I have the privilege to stay up as long as I want because I can sleep late. I suppose I'm having another one of my celebratory moments in the middle of the night when I feel on top of the world and want to make it last as long as possible. 

Being slightly in a stupor only adds to the attraction. I feel a little stoned and it's rather pleasant. I'm dopey with the need for sleep, but I have the will and the desire to stay up, so I'm on the edge. Don't I like to live dangerously? It's my middle name. Yeah, right. 

I have the smell of Chinese food on my brain tonight and I have such a hunger for it that I'm ready to go to the Chinese restaurant and order them to open up and fix me a meal of Nasi Goreng, which is really an Indonesian dish but the cultures get mixed up. I would love to have a portion of satay with that. Of course, my eyes would be bigger than my stomach and I would never be able to finish it, but I'd enjoy trying it. 

I guess I'm bound to get these olfactory fantasies every night because they are secret desires for foods I long for but can not eat. Or only eat in very little portions. Sometimes I think I smell a Hema smoked sausage which are the best in the country. No such luck for me. It's terrible, the things I have to do without. 

But I do get to lose weight, albeit agonizingly slowly because of the medicines I'm on. It would go a lot faster if it weren't for them. They do hinder me in my weight loss. Especially when they are increased and I don't even know if that is helping me, as is the case now. 

I know one thing, I mustn't give up coffee completely because it keeps 'the black dog' at bay. Trying to only drink tea is not such a success. Drinking coffee puts me in a much better mood. I just have to not overdo it. There's to be moderation in it as in everything. I'm certainly not going to quit cold turkey like I had planned to. That was a very unrealistic idea. It was a shock to my system and not a very pleasant one at that. 

I got my second wind and am feeling good now. I'm over my sleepiness. Speaking of food must have done me some good. I almost feel like I had some. I get the same sort of satisfaction from reading food recipes down to the minutest details. I feel like I've partaken of the meal. I've had this habit since I was a kid. Reading my mother's cookbook and looking at the pictures of the dishes.

Have a good Saturday you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

By the wayside of my life...

I'm not in the mood for finishing the book 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt after having seen the movie, so I just now picked out another novel from the ones on the bookcase that I haven't read yet. It is 'The Abortionist's Daughter' by Elizabeth Hyde and I know very little about it except what I've read on the back cover. I'm taking a chance and hope that I will like it well enough. 

I haven't read anything by this author that I can remember, although some of the titles of her other novels look familiar. I can't say for sure if I've read any of them, though. I will let you know what I think of this one when I'm into it a bit. I've become a critical reader, so novels have to live up to a high standard. I'm afraid I've become spoiled by a few excellent ones I've read this past year. 

The energy I put into reading a book is precious and can't be wasted. I feel that it really has to be worth my while to take the time to sit and read it. It's very often an effort that I have to make and it's not always something that comes easy. It helps if a novel really grabs me with it's good prose and credibility and sense of compassion for the characters. I dislike it if the author's too far fetched fantasy wears me out me and pushes my 'hard-to-believe-button'. 

It's still in the middle of the night, although some people would be optimistic and call this the very early morning. It's not going to be light for some time and I'm facing a totally empty day. That is a day of no appointments and no excessive chores. I will have to find other ways to fill my day. I am sure my imagination will not forsake me and then there's always the Tour de France to watch.

I changed the sheets on the bed last night and found two duvet covers in the closet that I had forgotten about, so now I'm sleeping under little red roses. The covers are as good as new because I've hardly used them and had overlooked them being on the bottom shelf. They were just part of the unseen interior of the closet. They were unnoticeably there. I'm richer than I thought I was.

I saw my SPN yesterday. I don't know how well it went. I was teary eyed at the prospect of not seeing her anymore after September and as it is now, I only see her once every three weeks. I asked for another therapist after she's gone and was relieved to hear that my psychiatrist had already broached that subject with her. I don't think I can quite make it on my own and I think I'm going to fall into a bit of a hole when she's gone. 

I don't do well with changes and this will be a big change as she's played such a crucial role in my life. I have to properly prepare myself for it and not act like it's just nothing at all. I mustn't ignore my feelings by sticking my head in the sand and I can't approach everything rationally only. 

I think I will sit and read my book for a while in my armchair until I go back to bed. It's still not dawn yet. I will take my medicines which will make me sleepy. I can sleep late today. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the moonshine...

Frankly, I don't know if the moon is shining, but I thought I would title this post like that anyway. There's a fun Dutch nonsense song that starts of that way and it was playing through my head. It's, amongst other things, about a centipede who has to shine his shoes.

I'm up drinking coffee, but this time there's no strange dog barking and all is quiet. I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to watch the news. I saw that Qaddafi's troops were defeating the rebels and became so disgusted with that, that I very angrily shut off the television. He is bombing them into submission with his airplanes, and there is not yet a no fly zone. It p*sses me off. This came after the very bad news of the nuclear reactors in Japan and my evening of bad news was complete. I had to go to bed after that and pretend to not care anymore. 

I listened on the radio to the outcomes of the different sporting events of the weekend and the interviews with the athletes and the highlights of the games that had been played. Those are something to get lost in and to forget everything else. If nothing else, there's always sport to fall back onto and it is a world of its own. There were all round speed skating championships this weekend and the Dutch did well.

It's been a strange weekend. I didn't have the energy that I had anticipated and that I showed during the night when I was so upbeat. During the day I slept a lot and didn't get a lot done. I walked Tyke, but other than that I didn't do very much. I hardly got my chores done and took many naps. My mood wasn't all that great during the day and I had to fight off somberness and gloom. Things got better toward the evening, but then it was time to go to bed and I normally feel better at that point. 

Except during the night, I'm suffering from a mild depression. The extra medication is not doing its job yet, but then it normally takes a while before it does. It's not a matter of a few days. It slowly has to build up in your system. It's nice to pretend that you feel better, but it's not the reality and you won't be able to live up to it. 

Today the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. For some reason I'm looking forward to it. I suppose I'm looking forward to the company. I also need help doing the dishes because I've not been able to do them. They've been too much of a big job to do by myself. I kept putting them off. 

I did get dressed nicely in a cheerful outfit for all the good that did me. At least I looked presentable when I walked Tyke. It didn't cheer me up as much as I had hoped it would. I'm wearing it today and maybe I will have better results. Right now, it's the nicest outfit I've got. 

I think I will go back to bed now. I've got some sleep left in me yet. It will be nice to lie there and listen to the radio. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. 

Have a good morning when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora

Company...

The day is unfolding little by little. Between each scene I take a time out. I do that with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and some time spent pondering about what's happened and what's coming up next. Mostly I feel very pleased, because the day is unfolding pleasantly, although I am only halfway there yet. I know the rest of it will be fine too. I feel it in my wind swept bones.

Before my personal helper got here this morning, I did the chores and I did them with good humor and not at all frustrated because I had to do them, like I sometimes do. I owe this to the fact that I have stopped taking a tranquilizer in the morning that always made me feel so tired and like going back to bed. Now I have energy and I'm not dragging myself from room to room trying to get things done hopelessly. It really does make a difference. 

I put clean sheets on the bed and put the dirty sheets in the washing machine immediately. They will have to stay in there for a while, though, because I have a load of laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. I can only handle one load at the time, or I would have to get another rack that I could hang over one of the doors and dry more laundry on it. It would work, but it isn't all that necessary that all the laundry gets dried at once. I'm not running an orphanage, after all.  It is just a one person household.

I got the whole apartment straightened out and ready for the domestic help, so she would be able to clean it without there being any stuff lying around  that was useless and in the way.  Cleaning up Tyke's toys is the biggest challenge, because as soon as I do, he drags them all out again and distributes them across the living room floor. He's just like a little kid that way. And to think that I ordered more toys for him.

I made a fresh pot of coffee when my personal helper got here and took a shower and put on a new set of double layered clothes. She had warned me that it was cold outside, but I had already noticed that when I stood by the back door to let Tyke out.

I had to wait for my psychiatrist to call me before we were able to go for a walk and he called promptly at noon. He asked me how the decreasing of the tranquilizers was going and I told him that I had it down to one pill during the day, but that it had not been as easy as I had thought it was going to be. I had missed them. We made an appointment for next week at which time we're going to discuss decreasing my dose of anti-psychotics, which is going to be scary and I'm honestly going to tell him that. I'm a hero on socks, as we say here. The implication should be clear.

We took Tyke for a walk in the cold wind, therefor our walk was not very long, but long enough for Tyke to take care of all of his needs. It's not only time for thick winter coats, but for gloves and hats as well. I worry about my hair and the scrunched up state it gets in from wearing a hat. Vanity does prevent me from doing it yet. I'll have to suffer from a cold head. It's tough trying to be a fashionable woman at my age. I don't look good in hat hair.

The domestic help has been here in the meantime and we had ourselves a good old chat while she did her work. We also drank coffee and smoked cigarettes even though she's not supposed to, but I'm not going to tell. She's got two little boys and she tells me stories about them that bring tears to my eyes from pure emotion, either from laughter or compassion or a mixture of both. I'm easily moved. Of course, I'm in a much better state of mind to be moved too, now that my emotions are not dulled by the tranquilizers.

I've got a lovely clean apartment and I'm going to keep it that way. I do feel incredibly spoiled. The quality of my life has improved so much since these people have come into it.  I never want to go back to how it used to be. I pray to Allah/God/Buddha/Wotan that I will always be this lucky. Everybody deserves a break and I was certainly ready for mine.

I've got to walk Tyke if he's ready to go. I think he's sound asleep, but we'll see. One movement from me can mean the end of that. He does have his alert ears on, even when he's taking a nap.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

Moving around endlessly...

After not having slept all night, I did manage to sleep for a few hours on the sofa this afternoon, because I was running out of steam and my body had to catch up with my mind that was working overtime. I didn't want to go to sleep and I fought it, but I had no other option, otherwise I would have fallen asleep behind the computer with my head on the keyboard and that leaves nasty marks on your face. 

I very dutifully laid down on the sofa and made myself go to sleep and woke up about two hours later. I made myself some coffee and slowly came to my senses, though I think I may have written a post before I completely had my wits about me. That will make for interesting reading too. It may boggle your mind, as it boggled mine when I read it later. I thought, now what in the world was I talking about? Is this woman quite in her right mind? Is there a screw loose maybe? Does something need to be fastened? 

See, I make fun of myself so you can't ahead of me. We can laugh together anyway. It is better than feeling embarrassed. I've always got to make fun of myself when I think I'm in danger of having made a blunder. I read an article about that in a woman's magazine today. The best way to deal with a blunder is to laugh about it yourself and to not take it too seriously, as long as you learn a lesson from it so you won't repeat it. I think that is good advice. 

I'm try to keep all my blogs straight and update the one that I wrote in the longest time ago. I try not to repeat myself, but write something new wherever I am. God forbid someone should actually read all 5 blogs, although I think it's not possible. I don't want to write the same story in all 5 blogs so I aim for variety. I mustn't fall into repeats, though the temptation is there at times and sometimes I will and there will be overlap. It's hard to be completely original all the time. Even the greatest diarists couldn't have done it. 

It's great when your mind is full of ideas and curiosity and goodwill and words and deeds and points of view to get across. but your body has to co-operate too. I wish I was a teenager with the endless energy of one and the capacity to sleep until noon the next day. I feel that I have so much I want to say, but I'm sluggish and I really am dragging my body through the day more than I'm willing to admit. I don't want to go to sleep, though, because I would be afraid that I would miss out on something fun that I could do. Sooner or later I have to go to bed for real, in my pajamas and under the duvet. I must try to get some sleep, even if it is only for a few hours. 

It's funny, but when I opened up ' The Choppy Sunflower' blog, there were immediate comments, as if people had been waiting for me to return and it was the most normal thing in the world that I did. There was no mention really of my long absence. I thought everybody would have forgotten me by now, but apparently that is not true. I do have followers wherever I go. It's not a multitude, but there are some people out there.

Oh hallelujah, my medicines have just started to work and I feel so much better now. What a relief that is. I was wondering if I was going to notice anything in this state of mind. I did feel a certain amount of stress that I wanted to get rid off. 

I was just out walking Tyke when we ran into the Yorkshire Terrier puppy that was also being walked. He was so enthused, that within the shortest amount of time our leashes and the fringe of my scarf had become completely entangled and we couldn't get it undone. We had to let the dogs off the leashes and mess around for a good 5 minutes before we got everything disentangled. It was actually pretty hilarious and the dogs had a good time. Tyke likes being off the leash and doesn't go anywhere. He's completely fascinated with that puppy, as he likes all puppies. I'll have to let him off the leash there more often when the other dogs are out and let him have a good run around.

Well, that's it for me for now. I wonder what I'm going to do next? How will I get through the rest of the evening? What stunts can I think of? 

Ciao,
Nora