I was complaining in an earlier post that I was feeling wound up and obsessed, but after my medication started to work and I had two cups of coffee, I feel a lot better and I'm sure it is the combination of both that has saved me. I had not had any coffee since earlier in the day and I'm sure my body and mind were just in need of some, because I seem to thrive on it when it comes to my emotional well being. The medication was very welcome too and it calmed me down and made me feel serene.
Sometimes my mind is like a leaf tumbling in the wind and I don't know from one hour to the next how I will feel and I can go from despair to happiness in a short amount of time. They are very opposite states of mind that I fall victim to. I can be totally alright or completely not alright within the shortest amount of time without anything changing around me. It is an internal process that I hardly understand myself. I am very grateful when everything falls into place again and I feel what I assume is normal. I'm sure there is some ultra rapid cycling going on.
I was ready to go to bed a while ago because I felt so miserable, but now I'm more than able to stay up, even though I've got my pajamas on and my bathrobe. It's still early in the evening and there's no need for me to go to bed already. It is Saturday night, after all, and I am allowed a late night. I should be out in a café drinking beers with my buddies, but I don't have any of those and besides, I would get awfully drunk and not be able to make my way home. I can't see myself riding my bike home at night in an inebriated state.
I keep running my hands through my newly cut hair and no matter what I do, it falls back into place the way it's supposed to. It's going to be the easiest hair to take care of. I'm looking forward to waking up with it and seeing how well it stayed in shape. Of course, it's going to be so easy to wash. All I have to do is stick my head under the faucet and shampoo it and rub it dry with a towel and it falls into shape automatically. It's a completely natural haircut. I could wash it three times a day if I wanted and I wouldn't have to worry about getting it into the right style.
Because the weather has cooled off considerably, I have to think of some different clothes to wear. I will have to start wearing layers again and I will have a good look in my closet and see what is there to choose from. It's something I look forward to, because I like combining clothes. I don't just like to put on a sweater, but prefer to wear several layers on top of each other that each show beneath the other. I've washed and ironed almost all of my clothes and there is a large selection. I've been wearing my denim skirts again with leggings and boots and it's fun to find tops to go with them. Each autumn I rediscover my clothes and the combinations I can make with them. It's time to be wearing scarves again too. I like to combine my clothes with scarves and I have a small collection to choose from, but one of them is my favorite and it is a green one and goes with a lot of my clothes and I always feel that when my neck is warm, the rest of me is warm too.
I have those really nice suede boots from Esprit and I have treated them against the rain and dirt, but I still won't wear them when it's raining outside. I just don't want to take the chance. I can wear my cowboy boots when it's raining and save the suede boots for dry days. I also have a pair of ankle boots, but I don't think they are going to have a long life. They were cheap and not really made for inclement weather. They are more for show than anything. I will wear them out in no time and have to toss them and have to buy a new pair. I will just have to spend some more money the next time and get a better pair. I do love to wear boots and like them better than shoes, so I'm always happy when the weather permits me to wear them.
I have a collection of handbags too, but I always end up using the same one, although I do change them on occasion when I think I ought to give the other bags a chance. The one that I always use has the perfect shoulder strap and the perfect compartments to put all my belongings in, although it is not the most attractive handbag that I have. I have some that are much prettier, but they aren't as practical. In some of them, everything gets lost and I spend valuable time looking for my keys or mobile phone. Others don't have a shoulder strap and you have to hold them by the hand and that is such a bother, because if you do try to hang them on your shoulder, they always slide off. Then I have one that is like a backpack and it is really cute, but you always have to get it off your back if you want to get into it and the straps get in the way. So, it's always back to that old stand by, the practical black bag with all the handy compartments. One day I ought to go shopping and find a really good one that I can use for variety.
You can tell that right now I'm really into clothes and accessories. For some reason that seems to be very important to me right now. Maybe it's because I got a haircut and I feel a little bit like a new woman. Maybe it is just because right now, this moment, I feel good and can concentrate on those things. Sometimes it's good to refocus your energy on the basics of who you are and I am very much my clothes and how well I care for myself. When I am depressed, I don't care about these things so much, so it's with renewed vigor that I do when I feel good.
I do have to keep an eye on that ultra rapid cycling that I seem to be doing. I'm bouncing off the walls sometimes. I switch moods like a commuter switches trains and all this time I'm trying to find the magic formula to set everything right, while I have no idea what I'm doing half of the time. It's overtaking me like rapidly moving traffic on the highway. I must be very aware. I wish I had an early warning system. Like sirens going off.
My orange juice is all gone and now I'm drinking lemonade, which is very good too. I can drink many glasses of that, but there are a lot of calories in it. It's a great thirst quencher, but very sweet. I'm trying to avoid drinking all the milk, because I have to make it last until Tuesday when the Exfactor will do the groceries. I can't drink water from the faucet, because it reminds me of the time when I was four years old and an older girl tried to drown me. I swallowed a lot of water then. My dislike of water from the faucet has only grown over the years, as do many of those quirks.
I'm in the mood for an ice cream sundae. It's a shame that it's the wrong time of the day for one. When it's a certain time of the night, cravings can really hit you. I don't get those longings during the day when I could go to the store to do something about it. I always get them when it is impossible, because we don't have a supermarket that's open 24/7. When I lived in California, we would go to the store at night and get whatever we had a craving for. Not that we abused the privilege, but it was nice that we could. I feel that I live a much less spoiled life here.
Tyke's curled up in the red armchair. He thinks it's time to call it a night and he is right, usually I'm in bed by this time. Gandhi is sound asleep in my armchair. It is kind of cozy with both animals asleep and me sitting here by the light of the desk lamp. I can do this for hours more to come, because I'm not in the least bit tired. I always say that just before I'm about to go to bed.
I will end this now, because it's gotten long enough. I will think about going to bed, though I don't know how I'm going to manage. It may turn into a very late night.
Sleep tight if it is that time for you.