Thursday, March 31, 2011

Almost fools in April...

Today is the last day in March and tomorrow will be April Fool's Day. I hope I'm not fooled by anyone because in the past I've been gullible and fallen for it. I may be cynical enough by now not to, I don't know. I suppose it depends on who were to try it and how sincerely it was done. I will forewarn myself and with every story I hear, I will remind myself that it's April 1st and intend not to believe it. I think that's the best defense. 

I'm not a great fooler myself  and hate to tell people stories that aren't true, so I'm not about to go along with the tradition. It's probably because my mother and older sister used to tell very upsetting stories that turned out not to be true when I was a child. I never wanted to carry on that tradition. It's not the kind of joking around that I like. 

Yesterday was not a great day weather wise. It was cloudy and the sun was not out and with it, all my good intentions disappeared. It was as though most of my energy had been drained out of me and I did the least amount of chores. Whether or not it is a sunny, bright day does influence me, apparently. The gloomy weather didn't make me gloomy so much, but it made me want to withdraw inside the apartment and not do much of anything. 

I've done enough of that this wintertime and am not about to repeat it every time the weather doesn't co-operate. I have to get over that and not be so influenced by it, although it seems to have a life of its own and I don't know how much I can actually do about it.

I didn't really perk up until the end of the day and the news came on television. Not that it was anything to be happy about. You have to watch the news so critically, not that they try to influence you one way or the other, but you have to do a lot of reading between the lines and try to get more background information about the stories you hear. Radio is good for that because you hear many different points of view on the subjects. Different broadcasting groups have to share air space on Radio One so, many angles are got at and more information is given. 

It's with some amount of dread that I look forward to today because it's going to be a cloudy, rainy day. Now, I know in the past I've claimed that I liked these days, but I don't like them now. I crave sunlight. I probably preferred the relatively mild, rainy days to the snowy, cold, windy days. Maybe I felt like hibernating more then, but since we've set the clocks ahead one hour, I want nothing more then bright and long, sunny days to go out in. I do walk the dog with much more cheer when it's sunny outside. Heck, I do everything with much more cheer.

I'm going to sit down in my armchair and read my thriller before I go back to bed. It's become a nice little habit. I read in the afternoon also. Slowly but surely I'm getting through that book. Havers is being insubordinate to Linley, but it will all be for a good cause. It will help solve the case. 

Have a nice day.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It wasn't working...

I didn't achieve my goal of sleeping six hours last night. I had really imprinted it in my mind before I went to sleep and had picked the time that I should have woken up at, but alas, it didn't work out. 

First I woke up because I had to go to the toilet, which isn't too bad because I can usually go back to sleep. Then I woke up from a cacophony of noise emanating from the radio instead of the usual gentle nighttime sounds that come from it. After I got over that shock and tried to get back to sleep, I was alerted by the dog who had taken one of my boots off the third shelf of the bookcase and was just planning on having a good chew on it. 

I gave up trying to get more sleep then because I was perfectly awake, but had slept only four and a half hours. I decided that would have to do and got up reluctantly not having achieved my goal. I'm going to try again tonight and every night and get as close as I can get. It must be doable if I have my mind set the right way. I will always aim for six hours. 

My psychiatrist thought my way of dealing with my sleep problem was the right way and he was glad that I didn't want any new sleeping pills because he would have been very reluctant to give me any. I think I would have had to beg for them. He likes this approach much better and he was about to suggest it to me himself. 

We're also going to not do anything with the rest of my medication, so there are to be no reductions for awhile. It is thought better to let me be in balance for now and have a steady time before we do any more of that. I've been bouncing up and down enough. It's time for some peace and quiet. I can only agree to that.

My visit with my SPN went fine. She said she was glad to have the old me back. She was genuinely pleased about that. I was a reasonable woman again. I know I am because I feel that way myself.

Now I'm yawning again. I think I will sit in my armchair for a while and read my book and then go back to bed. I have lots of sleep to catch up on. 

Have a terrific day.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ease me gently into the morning...

I figure if I've managed to get 5 hours of sleep, I've done a damn good job and I allow myself to get up and walk into the living room to turn on the computer and from there proceed into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I know how really awake I am by how well I perform this job. If I do it without the least frustration, I am most definitely ready to be up. 

This morning I made the coffee without the least amount of effort. I did it routinely, without giving it a thought and got the proportion of ground coffee just right. I don't over optimistically spoon coffee into the paper filter anymore. I know that less is better to make a strong enough cup with this Dutch coffee.

I also know now at which time of the evening to go to bed to get the most out of my sleep. It isn't very late and I'm certainly not going to go down in history as a party animal, but it is the most sufficient way for me to deal with my specific sleep requirements. It's a good thing that I live alone and that I don't have to be a companion to anyone late at night, because surely it wouldn't work out. Our schedules would clash like crazy.

My dog knows when it's time to go to bed. He gives me the warning signs and acts like my alarm clock to tell me it's time to go. Around bedtime he sits and barks at me softly and won't stop until I've gotten up and changed into my pajamas. Then I have to do my whole 'going to bed routine' while he follows me around the apartment, checking to make sure I do everything I'm supposed to do. He's not happy until I've settled down under the duvet and he's climbed onto the bed with me. 

Of course, every night we have the problem of the cat who wants to come on the bed also and who needs to be chased away by the dog. This is another endless routine that we go through and nobody seems to learn a lesson. The cat always comes and the dog always wants to assert his position and I always have to intervene. Maybe I should stop intervening and let them figure it out for themselves. I should stop rescuing the cat and let her fight her own fights. She needs a little bit of assertiveness training. 

I've stopped drinking coffee a while ago and have switched to lemonade. I'm going to take it and sit in my armchair for a while and read my thriller before I go back to bed to get some more sleep. The Exfactor is going to be here this morning and in the afternoon I've got appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN.  I don't want new sleeping pills. I think they mess me up too much during the day without working at night. I think the system I have now will suffice. 

Have a great day everyone!


Monday, March 28, 2011

Tea doesn't do the job...

I tried to wake up with a cup of tea, but it left me very grumpy and grouchy, so that was not a success. The reason I had the tea, was that I had to open a new vacuum sealed package of coffee and I was not in the mood for that first thing when I got up. I just couldn't face the struggle of opening it up and pouring the coffee into the glass containers before I could make a pot. So I chose the easy way out and microwaved a cup of tea. It did nothing for me, except leave me in a bad mood. 

Of course, then I was very motivated to open that darn package and make coffee. It didn't turn out to be too frustrating a job by then. I was quite up to dealing with it. I'm very happy to say that I'm having my second cup now and that I'm beginning to feel a lot better. My coffeemaker is kind to me and doesn't take too long to turn out a fresh pot. I don't have to wait endlessly. My craving is soon satisfied.

I went to bed very early last night because I simply was done with the day and had read my book and there was nothing decent on television. In the book a gruesome murder had just been discovered and I figured that was a good place to stop reading lest my imagination started working overtime. The investigating team was just off to start looking for a second body, which I'm sure was going to be an equally gruesome discovery. It was a lot to take in all at once. 

Television on weekend nights is pitiful. You can't count on it for your entertainment, unless you are a vegetable and have no functioning brain cells. They must save the worst programs for the weekends when everybody is otherwise committed and only really dull and less challenged people stay home.  The kind who don't know that the television has an off button. 

My sister and I sat in the sunshine in her garden yesterday afternoon and I had cappuccinos while she drank tea. It was wonderful. All the bulb plants had come up and were blooming or were about to bloom. The violets were brightly purple and blue. The hydrangeas were getting new leaves and the perennials were starting to pop out of the ground. We got a little bit of color from the sun and discussed world issues. We agreed on most everything and exchanged information about what we'd read and heard and seen. It had been a while since we'd had a good conversation. It gives you food for thought. 

Tyke and Gandhi were happy when I got home and Tyke got a belly rub and then a walk. When we got back, Gandhi got to lie on my lap for a while. I do have to keep both animals happy. 

I'm sufficiently tired now to go back to bed. I do have to put the trash out. I forgot to do that last night. I have to set the alarm clock because my personal helper is going to be here later this morning. I do want ample time to wake up before she gets here, otherwise I won't be communicative enough. 

Have a super day.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Summer Time...

I was already in bed and sound asleep when the dog started to bark. It startled me awake and I decided to get up to prevent him from barking again because that's the last thing I want. I had already set all the clocks and my watch one hour ahead before I went to bed, so to me it is an hour later now than it still really is. The time won't change until 2 am and it is not that yet. At least I am well prepared and I won't be fooled by what time it is in the morning when I get up for the second time. Believe me, there's logic in there somewhere. It all makes sense to me in a slightly convoluted way. 

So, I'm sitting here now being wide awake, having my coffee and my cigarettes, with a very quiet dog at my feet,  Of course, he had to go out back first before he would settle down and I was quite nervous that he would start to bark out there too, but he did no such thing, thank goodness. There's nothing like the unpredictability of a dog to make you feel on edge in the middle of the night when your neighbors are asleep. My adrenalin rushed through my body until he was inside again, especially since I have a grumpy neighbor who likes to complain about nothing at all.

Saturday went by well and it was a good day. The only thing I forgot to do was pick out a new novel from the bookcase. I never did get around to that because I didn't get a chance to sit in my armchair to read. 

In the morning I slept for a long time to catch up on the sleep I didn't get during the night and it was blessed. I woke up in an excellent mood and totally well rested and not under the influence of the effects of the new sleeping pills that I had stopped taking. Apparently the effects of those babies kept working all day long and did all sorts of things with me that weren't pleasant. I'm not going to try any others. I'll just live with things the way they are now and consider myself a night person. I do get my sleep eventually and that's the main thing. I haven't become psychotic yet because of lack of sleep. 

I took my time picking out an outfit that I wanted to be especially comfortable besides looking good. Comfort was the main thing, though. I wanted to feel easy in it and not have to worry about everything constantly being in place and looking well arranged. I have a couple of outfits that I feel especially comfortable in and I opted for one of those. I can sit as unladylike in it as I want when nobody is around. and it always looks good and is warm enough to wear. I would wear it every day if I could, but it it does have to go into the washing every now and then. 

It's a black, long sleeved, stretch T-shirt dress with a low slung belt that I wear over leggings with a lightweight cardigan on top that's open at the front. It makes me look slimmer than I am and therefor it's flattering. At my age, I need all of that I can get. 

I had to go to the tobacco shop and I remembered to pick out a card for my grandson who is going to be 14 years old in a couple of weeks. I must send the card with contents on time because he lives in the States. I even remembered to pick up a couple of lighters because those things always run out of fuel prematurely. Before you know it, you're left without the means to light your cigarettes. The only thing I forgot to buy was a chocolate bar, but I have chocolate pudding in the refrigerator and I get to have some of that every day so that takes care of that craving. When that is gone, I still have yogurt on which I sprinkle some sugar. I do have to take care of my sweet tooth. 

I watched an international indoor bike racing competition on television in which we finally won a bronze and gold medal on the third day, which is a good thing because the event is held in the Netherlands on a newly built course. We had higher hopes than that, but there's one day of competition left. Dutch people always expect to be the best at all sports and are surprised when we aren't. We assume we belong to the world top in everything. Maybe we are naive optimists. Or maybe we really are fairly good at a lot of things. We have a lot of gumption for a little country and great fans all decked out in orange at every occasion. 

As soon as I'm done writing this, I'm going to choose a novel from the bookcase and put it ready for me to start reading by my armchair. I'm very curious as to what I will find there. I've got to get myself into the proper mood to read. I would really like a thriller and hope I can find one. An Inspector Linley would be nice. I need light entertainment, nothing too intellectual. My brain can't handle anything that's too deep and introspective. No high drama. You'll see the book magically appear on my sidebar.

I'm going to see my sister this afternoon. I haven't seen her in forever. She's always got such a busy life. We do keep daily contact by telephone, but it's not the same as seeing each other. I will drink good cappuccinos and eat Italian cookies of which I will only be able to eat two and then I will be full and I will burp a lot, but it will be worth it. 

Have a great day you all. It's now officially summer time. 

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The most excellent time of the night...

I have slept four hours and am in good spirits. That is only one hour less than if I had taken my new sleeping pills, proving my point that they really don't work. And I feel better waking up too, making me all the more happy. So, the psychiatrist was right in telling me yesterday not to take them anymore. I can only agree with him, besides, the less pills, the better. They all have side effects and I believe these ones made me grumpy and emotional during the day. I'll have to see if today goes any better, but I assume it will. 

I am sat here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and all of my good intentions and a very good mood. I somehow want to act on them and make them count, but that's hard to do in the middle of the night. I can't perform good deeds or climb any mountains or make a trip around the world. If I were a billionaire I could maybe do some of these things impulsively. That's a huge daydream I could get lost in and I just did. I do have to call myself to order. 

This very good mood I am in will have to be put to use some other way. I will just have to write a good post and try to get my good vibes across. 

There's nothing nicer than sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling very good all by myself and wishing to share it with somebody else. If I could make your day seem brighter, I would be very happy. I would want your half empty glass to seem half full. I would want you to count all your blessings and be grateful for them, no matter how small they were.

But that sounds too evangelical and I don't want to come across as someone like that. You get to decide those things for yourself. There is such a thing called self determination, after all, in which you choose your own destiny and the things you believe in along the way. You have to pick your own attitude and outlook. I can't force you into one or the other. 

I'm now sitting here with a glass of cold milk and am thinking of all the ways a person can enjoy themselves if they can hang on to their good mood indefinitely. It seems to me that even the little things in life would be a joy to do if your mood was always good. Everything would be done without a struggle. I can't count on such predictability. My moods are too changeable for that. They go through the whole range from high to low and back again in one day. Especially at this time of the year. I'm a wobbly woman. I need my own cheerleader section. 

I am taking my time writing this because I'm continually distracted by my own thoughts. It's called daydreaming, I think. Sometimes I do a lot of that. I'm also developing a sore throat, which is surprising because as far as I know, I haven't been exposed to anyone who is ill. Oh yes, one of the domestic helps had tonsillitis and was taking antibiotics for it. I hope I'm not getting sick. It would be a waste of a good weekend, but I suppose the timing would be good. I have nothing really important planned. 

I can actually say that I'm glad that it is Saturday. I'm going to take the day off and rest on my laurels. Oh yes, I do have to go to the tobacco shop. That will be my outing for the day then. I do look forward to the day. I get to pick out a new novel from the bookcase and I'm full of curiosity as to what it's going to be. I feel like a thriller, but I don't know if I have any left that are unread. Wish me luck at finding something good. 

Have a good day and stay out of trouble. 


Friday, March 25, 2011

Is there no rest for the wicked?

Since it's so very early in the morning, I won't worry about how wicked I apparently am. I figure that I've got at least several hours before I have to face the truth of that question and by that time it may not be relevant anymore. I may have forgotten all about it. For now I will just enjoy these quiet hours that are given me in which to write this post and in which to announce as much nonsense as I can think of. I'm sure that if I let my mind take it's silly course, it will come up with all sorts of good stuff, providing I don't censor myself too much. 

I slept as much as I was able to, I woke up once and forced myself to go back to sleep, but that didn't work the second time. The second time, my eyes popped open and I practically jumped out of bed, ready to get the coffee started in the kitchen and turn on the computer. I was as eager as a young puppy to get up and play. This not withstanding the fact that I had taken the new sleeping pills. Much good they do me. I slept 6 hours last night and now I slept 5 hours. I'm defying medical science. 

Nevertheless, It's with a certain amount of contentment that I sit here and have my coffee and cigarettes. What better way to start the day. If the wicked can celebrate the early morning in that way, it pays to be wicked. The best thing is that I'm doing it at a clean desk because I uncluttered it yesterday. All I have left to do is sort out a stack of papers and I think half of them can go into the recycle box. 

I suddenly realized that I was working at a desk topped with unnecessary junk and took care of it in the shortest amount of time. I got rid of what had no business being there and rearranged everything else n a more pleasant manner. This suddenly gave me all sorts of space and I felt that my life was suddenly much less complicated. 

So, that's all it takes to make your life simple. You simply take the clutter off your desk. It unclutters you mind at the same time. I'm going to apply this trick to the rest of my apartment and be free of worries. It will give me a Zen like environment free to contemplate my navel in.

Speaking of that, I haven't taken the opportunity to contemplate my navel in a while and miss the exercise. Maybe that's what's missing in my life. I need to get back to my armchair to meditate in. Providing the pesky dog doesn't bother me with requests for games with his ball and petting sessions and wanting to climb  on my lap to embrace me and lick my face. And that's not even speaking of the cat who will want to get her time in also and infest my clothes with cat hair. The next time I will get a black cat to match my clothes. 

I've just about had all the coffee I want and have switched to cold milk. It does perk me up too with its nice chilled effect. It's the nicest thing next to an ice cream sundae. Every glass is a treat. 

I've got to plan my day. The domestic help is coming because it's Friday again, much to my surprise. But then it always is, isn't it? I'm never prepared for Fridays. They always sort of sneak up on me. The week goes by in a whirl and then suddenly it's the weekend and I always have mixed feelings about it. I wish I could get my head straight about that,

I'm not going to go and find the warmth and safety of my bed. I will stay up and start the day when the sun comes up. I will have to save whatever sleep I didn't get until tonight.

Have a happy day!


Thursday, March 24, 2011

I say the glass is half full, darn it...

After having been in a pessimistic and foul mood for more than 24 hours, I decided yesterday afternoon to take matters into my own hands and to will myself to be optimistic and good natured again. I couldn't stand the mood I was in and I could see that it was only hurting me and hindering my process at becoming a healthy and sane woman. That's not what I wanted out of life. I didn't want to be bitter and  p*ssed off angry. It just didn't become me and I felt highly uncomfortable with it.

I decided to make my peace with my psychiatrist (the person I was most angry with) and to find out exactly how he wanted me to use the new sleeping pills along with the old ones. I wrote him a long and friendly email asking that question for one and soon afterwards I got an answer from him. He explained how he wanted me to use the sleeping pills and it was all very clear to me down the the minutest detail and it sounded reasonable to me. I never had understood that and had not gotten it clear from the beginning. I had been too busy being angry and p*ssed off.

It's a policy that I can live with and I've agreed to give it an honest try, so last night I took the new sleeping pills along with the old ones and had a decent night's sleep. I really slept until I was done sleeping and I made sure of that by staying in bed as long as possible. I'm training myself to be a good sleeper. That's the whole purpose behind this exercise. Anyway...

I watched a very good episode of Inspector Linley last night. It was the one in which the new Helen died, which I thought  was incredibly sad because I liked her and it came so unexpected. I liked her much better than the old Helen and thought she was a real improvement. I had envisioned her being part of the series for a long time.

Now that I'm up and running, I'm going to take the dog for a long walk this morning. He does so enjoy them and it seems to take the rambunctiousness out of him. He is a young dog, after all, and needs his diversions. There's nothing better to him than exploring new territory and peeing against new trees and bushes. Or at least, seldom used trees and bushes. It's going to be another bright and beautiful day today and, although it's still cold outside now, it will be nice to be out there. I'll have to wear my scarf, though.

I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee. He did the groceries earlier this week, bless his heart. I was almost out of everything, especially the milk. It's sad to look in the refrigerator at the end of a week after the shopping has been done. There's almost nothing in there and the cupboards are bare too. The Exfactor can only carry a week's worth of groceries on the bike and even that takes a lot of juggling and careful packing away in the bags. And well inflated tires for all the weight he carries. Which reminds me that I have to pump up my rear tire, it's a little low. I'm a star at pumping up tires, right!

I have to do chores today. I didn't do a thing yesterday, recuperating as I was from my bad mood. There's always some reason not to get your act together. 

Have a good day.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Another day again...

It must be possible to shut off your feelings so you don't have to be aware of your emotions and how you react to the events in your life. To be immune against your own inner turmoil and the words and deeds of other people. I'll leave it undetermined if I find myself in such a position now, but if not, I come very close to it. The fact that I'm writing this post casts some doubt on it because obviously I care enough to discuss it and I really shouldn't give a darn.

I'm attempting not to give a darn and to go about my day wrapped in a bubble of indifference. I'm succeeding to some extent because I notice that I care less about the little things, such as how I look and what people are going to think of me. Or how the apartment looks and what someone would say if they were to walk in right now. I don't give a hoot.

Of course, I try to care less about the bigger issues too and let them be water off a ducks back. I want to say to everybody, "I simply don't give a sh*t." That's how I feel and that's how I want to act. It's harder to act out your indifference if you're used to being a kind and polite person. It's tougher to be a tough cookie. 

I didn't take the new sleeping pills along with the old ones last night. I just took the old ones and slept four hours. I wasted my time behind the computer and didn't write a blog post. I wasn't in the proper mood. At that time I still cared too much and I was angry about not being able to sleep. I spent the time being upset and bitter and accomplishing nothing.

Since then, I've had this change of attitude, after I first felt like I had been a victim in an accident and that I was in a state of shock. I realized that that was a subconscious attempt to protect my feelings and then this turned to indifference. Or at least the huge attempt at it. I'm a bit wobbly on it, but still this sentence keeps playing through my head and I want to say it to everybody, "I don't give a sh*t."

Of course, underneath it all there's a huge amount of anger. It doesn't take very much to get in touch with that. It's a seething, boiling vat. The only person it hurts is me. I don't achieve anything with it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's nothing I can do about the sleeping pill situation. It's not in my hands, but it does change the relationship between my psychiatrist and me. There's an inevitable break in it now and I don't know if it can be repaired. 

I'm tired. I think I need to take a nap. Much as I dislike taking naps. 
Have a great day.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'll have another one, please.

To make myself feel better, I'm drinking vodka and I'm reaching that inebriated stage that means I'm feeling pretty good now. I felt as bad as you can get and spent a good hour crying. I couldn't stop crying and considered using the hash that I found in the cake tin to roll a joint with. I changed my mind and went for the vodka bottle instead. I figured it was the least harmful of the two in combination with my medicines. There would be less chance of hallucinations.

I like this inebriated stage I find myself in now, because the last few hours have been quite emotional and painful. Nobody has died, it hasn't been as bad as all that, don't get me wrong. Now that I'm slightly drunk, I can almost laugh at the reason why I was so very much upset, but I'm sure that when I'm sober again, I will be upset all over. I may have to stay drunk. At least I''m still able to type, albeit slowly.

You may know that last night I slept nine hours in the first time in forever and that I was overjoyed by this. Finally, after years of many sleepless nights. I got these hours of sleep by taking a combination of my old sleep pills and the new. My psychiatrist had told me to try this. I thought that finally we had found the magic formula.

He called me today and said that I could not do this again. Well, he told me that I could only do this sometimes when I needed a good night's sleep. So here I am again, faced with sleepless night so that I won't get addicted to the new sleeping pills while I really don't give a shit. I'm already addicted to the old ones.

It was like someone kicked me in the stomach and took away something very precious that I had finally gotten. I've had sleepless nights for so long and they mess up my life so badly and mess with my moods and my daily rhythm so very much. My whole day gets screwed up because of my bad nights and at night I sit behind the computer like a hypo-manic maniac and turn out idiotic posts.

I'm probably turning out an idiotic post now, but I don't care. I'm mad as hell and need another drink.

I refuse to take the new sleeping pills at all now, even though my psychiatrist has written a new prescription for them and faxed it to the pharmacy. They will be delivered tonight. I'm not going to make myself happy with a good night's sleep every once in a while to only have bad nights of sleep the rest of the time. I'm either going to sleep well all of the time or not at all. I'm boycotting the whole damn system.

I wrote my psychiatrist a very angry email to which I got a very polite reply, saying that sleeping pills are not the answer. He's saying that to someone who hasn't slept well in years and who finally had nine hours worth of sleep. How very wonderful. Isn't the medical profession humane?

I suppose I'm very angry and there's nothing like an angry drunk. You can only feed her more booze and hope she becomes jolly. As a matter of fact, part of me is jolly and really doesn't give a damn anymore. As long as there's vodka in the bottle, I'm okay. By the way, I'm drinking real Russian vodka.

Chances are that I'll become an alcoholic yet. Or a pothead. I haven't decided which it's going to be yet. I guess it depends on which I can afford best. They're both expensive addictions. They have to fit in your budget. I guess you could do them instead of eating and lose a lot of weight. You could buy cheap beer, it wouldn't have to cost an arm and a leg and it would fill you up. You'd just have to get the kind with the highest alcohol percentage. It would take all your troubles away. I've never had as much sympathy for an alcoholic.

I just want my sleep and I'll do whatever I can to get it. I want to sleep through the night like I did last night. I want not to be sleepy through the day and to not have to take naps. I want even tempered moods. I don't want to be hypo-manic when I'm up during the night. I don't want to drink many cups of coffee to keep me n an even keel.

Right now I like alcohol very much and its effects. I find them very comforting. I wonder why I didn't turn to it before? Yes, I know I have in the past, but I always forsook it. All I need is a Sugar Daddy to keep up my supply. A bottle of vodka a day ought to do it. Maybe half a bottle would do. I don't want to fall into a stupor.

I don't think I will be able to walk the dog tonight. I think I can't walk in a straight line. It would be noticeable if I tried. I think I'm a good drunk, though. I make sense halfway. All I need now is a tropical island and a white beach and a blue sea and some palm trees. And a life of leisure and debauchery. No care in the world. That's my secret wish. I'd hate to die of liver disease, though.But maybe it would all be worth it.

Yours fondly,

A reason for being late...

I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday and told him that the new sleeping pills had not worked at all. That, as a matter of fact, I had been up for nights without any sleep at all, and that I had gone back to using my old sleeping pills which allowed me some sleep anyway. 

He called me in the afternoon and said that he had never heard of these pills not working at all and that the cause had to be  that I had stopped using my old sleeping pills so abruptly. He suggested that I try using my old sleeping pills along with the new sleeping pills last night and that he would call me today to see what had happened. If I had slept at all. 

My old sleeping pills are the kind that help you fall asleep, but don't keep you asleep, that's why I always woke up after a few hours. The new sleeping pills are really to help you sleep through the whole night. So last night I took them both not expecting very much.

Much to my surprise I slept almost nine hours. I couldn't believe my luck. That's the longest I have slept in I don't know how long. It's been forever. I don't even remember when the last time was that I slept such a long time. Needless to say, I felt great. I was only a little bit groggy when I got up and one cup of coffee took care of that.

Now I only wish to sleep like this every night and I hope it is possible. I hope my psychiatrist lets me use this combination of pills always. 

I look forward to the day now, knowing that I won't have to go back to bed to get the sleep that I didn't get during the night. I woke up at a civilized hour. I went to bed early last night because I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. All day yesterday I didn't take a nap. This normally would have messed up my sleep schedule something awful, but now I've had the proper amount of sleep and I can plan a normal day. 

I have to go see my SPN this morning and after that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. I've already started a grocery list as I thought of items I absolutely needed and should not forget. They are not things I get every week so they are not things I automatically think of when I sit down to make a list when the Exfactor is here. Thank goodness there's a white board in the kitchen to help me remember. It does pay to be a little bit organized. 

I wasn't planning on seeing my SPN this week, but made a last minute appointment anyway with the way things were going. My mood was all over the place and I was in danger of becoming quite hypo-manic. As it is I did some dumb things anyway, but more about that some other time. When I'm not embarrassed. 

I will get the show on the road and take Tyke for a walk. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but it's still quite cold outside. It's been freezing last night. 

Have a happy day.


Monday, March 21, 2011

A caffeinated post...

Without giving you the impression that I'm hypo-manic, I do have to say that I'm sitting here quite contentedly and that must be because I've already had four hours of sleep and one delicious cup of coffee. As happens once in a while, I got the amount of ground coffee just right and turned out a delicious pot of it that's not too bitter or too strong. It does not make my mouth pucker with the awful taste of it. It was a gentle and nicely brewed cup of coffee that I drank and I'm getting ready for my second one. 

I feel good, but I'm not on a high. My eyeballs aren't popping out of my head from excitement, nor am I thinking that I'm omnipotent and all knowing and have the answer to every question. I'm reasonable and sane, but doesn't every lunatic think that he is? The proof will be in the pudding and the pudding will be this post. You'll be able to judge me on the contents and the reasonableness of it. I hope to make complete sense while still being amusing.

Yesterday afternoon I took the dog for a long walk and I saw my first buttercups. I saw them under two trees on a stretch of grass beside the sidewalk. I thought that was very fortunate because I had just mentioned them on my other blog. It's the only place I saw them. I also saw my first dandelions, but I was not as thrilled about them. I'm waiting to see buttercups in the fields now, besides the many daisies that are there, and I suppose the clover will be next, both purple and white. I'm going to keep careful track of which wildflowers pop up where and when. 

Hopefully I'll know their names. It will be a good reason to take the dog on longer walks. I know of one place that's good for many kinds of wildflowers and if there are going to be any, that's the place to look for them. It's a ways out of town on the edge of it, but maybe I can walk there this afternoon after the domestic help has been here. It's supposed to be nice weather today with sunshine and pleasant temperatures, so it would be a good time to go. The exercise would do us both good and I'd have a goal. 

Speaking of goals, I was watching the highlights of some rugby games yesterday and that's a rough sport. Those guys get thrown around and pounced upon like nothing else. I'm sure their poor bodies are scraped and bruised like no others when they're done with their game. Footballers are ninnies compared to them. And I wonder who washes their clothes because they were covered in grass and dirt stains. I'm sure the wives don't have to do the washing at home. I think this was the Six Nation League Championship and I think England won. It was very exciting to watch.  

I also always watch the highlights of the football games and I'm glad they are the highlights only because I could not sit through a whole game unless they were the championships for something. At least with the highlights you get to see the most exciting bits. They show them from all the games that have been played during the week, so there's a lot. I'm not for any team in specific yet, although I think I'm starting to root for FC Twenthe. They're in second place now. It would be nice to see them at the top again. They were the champions last year. 

The sports news was regularly interrupted with news about the situation in Libya. The latest I heard was that Qaddafi wanted a cease fire and I hope he is serious this time because he's wanted one several times before and didn't keep his word. I hope for the people in Misrata that this time it's true, but I think we must not take him at his word. One thing Qaddafi must not be and that is trusted. He's too irrational for it. 

I'm amazingly calm. I don't have that haunted and over excited feeling that I have been having at all. It's a good thing that I've started using my old sleeping pills again. I sure do appreciate them after trying the other ones unsuccessfully. I guess you don't appreciate what you have until you have to do without it. I know that shortly I will go back to bed and sleep well for another long time and that I will be well rested when I get up. My personal helper is going to be here this morning, so I do have to get up at a somewhat reasonable hour. I want to get ready and dressed before she gets here. 

The only problem is that I'm not in the least tired and I haven't yawned once. I'm actually wide awake. I will have to stay up a while longer and wait for sleep to come and overtake me. It is too early to start the day, although I feel like doing it. I will have to see what I'm going to do with that bit of reality. How do I apply that? There's no need to panic, of course. There's no golden rule about when the day starts and when I'm supposed to sleep. I'll just wait and see where the road takes me. 

Have a good day.



Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Refreshing my mind in the middle of the night...

I'm just the least bit sleepy, but that doesn't keep me from sitting here and merrily carrying on with my nighttime activities because I am enjoying myself. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now but planted on this chair behind the computer. The call of my bed is not alluring enough to take me there yet. It can wait for a couple more hours. I'd rather not spend my time sleeping now. That would be a terrible waste of time. I'd have to be toppling out of my chair before I did that. 

Toppling out of my chair is hard to do because it has armrests. Most likely I would fall forward with my head on the keyboard and get funny indentations on my forehead. I've also been known to end up with my head on the edge of the desk and have a ridge on my forehead that was very painful and visible and hard to explain. It's a funny way to fall asleep and I hope I don't do it tonight. Hopefully I'll crawl to my bed before that time. 

I've had three cups of coffee and am not about to fall asleep, regardless of my slight tiredness. I have enough willpower to stay up because I want to. I like sleeping in the morning ever so much better. I like being up in the middle of the night and being a night owl. It suits me to sit here in my bathrobe and to know that the world around me is asleep. I'm not the least bit scared of the bogeyman. There are no ghosts in my world. There's only the friendliness of the darkness of the night. 

I do get a sore bum from sitting in this chair, although it is a comfortable one. A soft pillow doesn't help, I've tried that. I've broken my tail bone once and it will always be a sore spot. I have to sit in a particular way to make it as easy as possible. I would like a big old executive chair to sit in and will one day acquire one. Like I am the CEO of a large company and can lord it over everybody and give myself a big bonus once a year. I can dream, can't I?

The good thing about being up in the middle of the night is that the animals are asleep the whole time and don't badger me. Nor is Tyke badgering Gandhi and she has peace and quiet. I don't have to continually rescue her from his loving embrace. He does still think that he has to show his dominance over her. Especially when he wants attention or when she gets too close to me. He can really be a pain in the neck. I've thought about getting him fixed, but the cost is prohibitive right now. Maybe this summer  when I get my vacation allowance. 

Oh, I totally forgot that today is Saturday. That's nice. All I have to do is go to the tobacco shop and hang up a load of laundry to dry. It's good that it's the weekend, although why it is I couldn't really tell you. I have no good reason for it. I have enough days during the week that feel like days off also. It's just the general idea that it's the weekend that makes it feel more festive. The weather isn't going to be all that great, although the sun is going to shine. It won't be very warm. 

One thing I have to do today is finish reading my book. That's one goal I have to set for myself. I'm halfway through it and since it's not such a big book, I ought to be able to finish it in one day. I really want to move on to the next one and I can't wait to look on my bookcase to find it. I've got two cubbyholes empty to fill up with books and when I'm done reading the ones I still have, I can start ordering new ones. I have to check out Wise Web Woman's reading list and see what interesting novels she's got on hers. She's a connoisseur of good novels.

I think I'll knit an end to this post and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. Every night I go looking for it. Frustratingly so, usually. 


Friday, March 18, 2011

The lure of the nighttime...

I'm just going to have to face up to the fact that I'm a nighttime person and that it's when I'm at my most productive and not worry about it anymore. It's not as if it is some major disability that I have to get over at all cost because I have to be like everybody else and I know now that I'm not the only night owl. There are others like me out there who spend the night awake and don't go to sleep until morning. 

At least I've already gotten a couple of hours of sleep before I get up, so I'm somewhat rested and I know I will get more sleep later. I think I have been overly concerned about fitting into some 'normal' schedule and have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about being up when everybody else is asleep. I'm not going to do that anymore and just enjoy my time being up and not make excuses for it or blame it on some sort of failure on my part.

It's a way of life that I can afford to have and I will accept it. I can actually sleep late in the morning because I never make my appointments  until later in the day. I am that smart anyway. Nobody should try to see me at 8:30 in the morning. I will not be available.

That was the problem with one of my personal helpers. She insisted on seeing me at 8:30 on Wednesday morning to help me get the day started, which was the worst thing possible because I was not ready to start the day. It was not a success. I sat there bleary eyed and tried to be friendly and cheerful when all I wanted to do is go to bed and sleep, which I did as soon as she left, but it put a dent in my schedule. She's the one I stopped seeing. I saw no benefit in her coming here. 

I woke up with a very sore knee and must have slept in a wrong position. That knee can still bother me a lot at times. It's been two months since I injured it, but it continues to be a sore spot. Most days I don't notice it too much, but every once in a while it really acts up. I guess it's to the point now that I can predict the weather because it's going to rain. It still snaps when I straighten it out and always feels like it's going to get stuck. Exercising it seems to be the best thing for it. Sitting or lying down with it in one position is the worst. I guess when you get older, your injuries stay with you longer and become part of you.

I didn't watch television last night, because television these days seems to be all about light entertainment and not about the contents. And I'm talking about Public Television. I'm amazed at the stupidity of the programs, even those that claim to be informative. I wonder what they think about the intelligence of the average viewer. They must not have a very high opinion of it. Luckily, I can choose to shut the television off, but then I'm not the average viewer. 

I'm not high on sleep medication. I took one new sleeping pill and two tranquilizers so that I would sleep at least a little bit better. I didn't take the old sleeping pill that made me feel so loopy. I think that was a real humdinger. I will see if I do better during the day now. Hopefully I will not feel so down and lethargic. 

I think I will go and get into other sorts of trouble now. It's not quite time to go back to sleep yet. 

Have a good day when you get up.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

The eagerness of it...

The delivery boy from the pharmacy delivered my new sleeping pills yesterday evening, so I was looking forward to taking them last night and having a good night's sleep. After I put on my pajamas and bathrobe, I watched an episode of Inspector Linley that lasted until 11 pm and then got ready for bed. I took one sleeping pill and waited for sleep to overtake me. When after one peaceful hour in bed it had not, I took another pill like I had been instructed to do. After a while, I fell asleep only to wake up a half hour later, wide awake without any drowsiness whatsoever. It felt like I had not taken any medicines at all. 

Needless to say, I was very disappointed and am sitting here now getting ready for a long night of no sleep. I don't know if it's a good idea to take my old sleep medication, but I am tempted to. At least I slept better with it. I did manage to sleep six hours the night before this one. I had asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me a knock out pill and he had said that this sleeping pill was one and had even said that possibly I'd be drowsy the next morning. I sure don't feel drowsy now. It's like I've taken a couple of aspirins. I think it was only the power of suggestion that made me fall asleep at all. 

It's just my luck that these pills don't work for me. I'm sometimes resistant to the workings of pills and need extra large doses of them, but I'm not going to do that with these. There's a safe limit to take and I'm not going to take more than that. 

So, unless I take my old medication, I'm going to have to entertain myself tonight. I don't know how I am going to do this yet. I can write endless blog posts, but sooner or later I'm going to run out of things to write about. I don't feel hypo-manic, so I don't have the thrill of that, but I'm glad about that. I'd rather keep both feet on the ground, or in this case, have my rear end planted firmly in my seat.  I really have no desire to go to bed right now as it reminds me of failure to go to sleep.  I hope I will naturally get tired and find my way there eventually. 

Maybe I'm meant to be a night person as I seem to function best then. I have the clearest head possible. I sure think better at night than I do during the day. I'm not encumbered by the complications that come with the daytime, even though they are small and hardly of any consequence at all. The nighttime seems to be my realm. I wish I could give you examples of great minds that functioned well during the night, but I'm sure there were many. I would have to investigate that. 

My normal mode of operation is to mess around with the appearance of my blogs when I can't sleep and I may do that. There are probably all sorts of possibilities that I have not tried out yet. There's always the desire to make things look different and better, although I don't know in the end if I do. It's a way to humor myself and to take care of my creative needs. I don't have enough outlets for those now, nor am I really desiring of them. A little bit of blog design goes a long way in the empty hours. I only have those on sleepless nights. 

Not being under the influence of drugs is an amazing thing. It's incredible how clear my mind is. How straight I can think. It's like a fog has lifted from my brain. I should always be this way. I am, to some extent, always under the influence of medication, especially during the day when I take the majority of my medicines.  They are necessary, but still...

I will see what sort of trouble I can get into. I shouldn't call it trouble but creative design. It may all come to naught, we will see. In the meantime, I will entertain myself while you all asleep, unless you are in North America and you are still up. Give me a sign of life if you are.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Trying harder...

After making the resolution yesterday to sleep better and longer during the night, I actually managed to do so. I woke up twice, but both times managed to go back to sleep, but the third time I ran out of patience and got up. I had slept more than six hours by then and for me that was a long time. 

One time after I had been awake and tried to go back to sleep, the animals both climbed on top of me because they expected me to get up, used to it as they are. I had a bit of a hard time settling them back down again, but managed to do so in the end by holding them both in place with one arm each.

I suppose it will be easier when I get those new sleeping pills tonight, although I don't want to get my hopes up too much in case they turn out to be a popcorn fart. I've been told though, that they are strong and that I may be drowsy first thing in the morning when I get up and to take care. I'm sure a good strong cup of coffee will take care of that.

I do feel well rested this morning and not so screwy the way I do when I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to drink strong cups of coffee to create an artificial high for myself out of which to write 'exciting' posts that never are and of which I only imagine they are. At least I'm not messing around with my moods and I feel even tempered. I'm also no longer under the influence of the old sleeping pill that I took, which I normally am when I get up in the middle of the night and which makes me feel loopy. 

Yesterday was a beautiful day with the most pleasant temperatures and sunshine all day. I rode my bike with only my jacket on and no scarf and I had my jacket unzipped. I probably could have just worn a cardigan over my clothes. Today it's only going to be just the slightest bit cooler, but I don't have to go anywhere. 

Today I have to stay home and wait for the package with summer clothes that I ordered on line and that hopefully are going to fit me. I can't wait to try them on. I ordered them in the new size that I am now, but they are not all the same brand so the sizes may differ. I'll have to keep my fingers crossed and hope for good luck.

I'm drinking a glass of cold milk now and it tastes very nice. I'm so glad I have groceries in the house again. The Exfactor got them yesterday and it's a good thing because I was out of a lot of things. Running out of milk is the worst. I really miss that when I don't have any. I drink lemonade, but it's not as satisfying. 

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and I haven't lost any more weight, but that's not so surprising when you consider that I've increased two medications. It's a surprise that I haven't gained any weight. My psychiatrist thinks that I decreased my medicines to quickly and that we need to do it much slower from now on once I get ready to reduce them again. He says that we should learn a lesson from this experience. That's fine with me. He knows best, I'll do whatever he says. I have complete faith in him. 

I have to take my medicines now and decide if I'm going back to bed for awhile. It's still early and I have no reason to be up yet. On the other hand, I'm not very tired. 
I hope you'll all have a good day.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Nightly mishaps...

I really need one more cup of coffee before I start writing this and I will take care of that shortly. It ought to get me in the proper mood to turn out some good prose. I'm still a bit struck by sleep and I'm not sure if I should have gotten up already. I thought I was awake when I opened my eyes, but it may have been a miscalculation. 

Any moment now the caffeine is going to do its job and jolt my brain into alertness and I will be right as rain. I will be better than that, I will be great. Not that I will have delusions of grandeur, I won't be as bad as all that. I will just feel terrific because I always do when I get a caffeine high.

If I ever got stranded on a deserted island, I would have to have coffee and cigarettes with me. On the other hand, it might be a chance to get over my addictions for good. I would have to live on the fruits of the land and the sea and I would hope to get stranded on a bountiful island. God only knows how healthy I'd get. 

I think the caffeine I've consumed in the meantime has done its job. I've sat here and had a huge fantasy about that deserted island. I feel wide awake and very alert. All the gears in my head are working faultlessly. If I ever were to become a writer of literature, I would have to do all my work very early in the morning when everybody else was still asleep. I'd have to drink a lot of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes and take advantage of my most productive hours.

Those certainly aren't during the day when I don't get much of anything done. Well yes, with a little bit of luck I get my chores done, but that's not very imaginative. Anybody can do that.

Well, so much for that temporary high of the coffee. It didn't last and I've come back down to earth. Now I'm just an ordinary mortal like everybody else. My head's readjusted itself again and I'm no longer existing in higher spheres. It was too much of a good thing anyway and this state of being is much more realistic. Being high on caffeine is a very artificial way to get in touch with your imagination. It's a lot of hot air that you spout.

I'm glad that I'm myself again because I didn't know what to do with myself the way I was. I think I was running a little bit rampant, especially if you could have seen where those fantasies about the deserted island took me. I had an earthquake and a tsunami all built in and a high hill to flee to. And a broken down and sodden encampment on the beach. 

I'm drinking my second tall glass of cold lemonade. That's better than drinking more coffee. I do have to keep an eye on that and not let myself be seduced by the immediate effects of the caffeine. It has just as much allure as alcohol does. I get a kick out of it. 

I finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed last night before I went to sleep. I never did get around to that this weekend. I put on clean pajamas and was asleep five minutes after I laid down. Gandhi slept on my stomach and was still there when I woke up. She always thinks my stomach is the best place to lie down on because it's like a cushion. She kneads it like it's a ball of dough. Luckily, she doesn't use her nails. She's a kind and considerate cat. 

I will think about going back to bed for awhile. This morning the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries, but I have lots of time before he gets here. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and after that one with my SPN. I'll have to go to the pharmacy after that and that will take care of my afternoon. It's supposed to be 17C today (62F) and the sun is going to shine. I may not have to wear my scarf. It will be the first time. 

Have a good day, all of you. 


Monday, March 14, 2011

In the moonshine...

Frankly, I don't know if the moon is shining, but I thought I would title this post like that anyway. There's a fun Dutch nonsense song that starts of that way and it was playing through my head. It's, amongst other things, about a centipede who has to shine his shoes.

I'm up drinking coffee, but this time there's no strange dog barking and all is quiet. I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to watch the news. I saw that Qaddafi's troops were defeating the rebels and became so disgusted with that, that I very angrily shut off the television. He is bombing them into submission with his airplanes, and there is not yet a no fly zone. It p*sses me off. This came after the very bad news of the nuclear reactors in Japan and my evening of bad news was complete. I had to go to bed after that and pretend to not care anymore. 

I listened on the radio to the outcomes of the different sporting events of the weekend and the interviews with the athletes and the highlights of the games that had been played. Those are something to get lost in and to forget everything else. If nothing else, there's always sport to fall back onto and it is a world of its own. There were all round speed skating championships this weekend and the Dutch did well.

It's been a strange weekend. I didn't have the energy that I had anticipated and that I showed during the night when I was so upbeat. During the day I slept a lot and didn't get a lot done. I walked Tyke, but other than that I didn't do very much. I hardly got my chores done and took many naps. My mood wasn't all that great during the day and I had to fight off somberness and gloom. Things got better toward the evening, but then it was time to go to bed and I normally feel better at that point. 

Except during the night, I'm suffering from a mild depression. The extra medication is not doing its job yet, but then it normally takes a while before it does. It's not a matter of a few days. It slowly has to build up in your system. It's nice to pretend that you feel better, but it's not the reality and you won't be able to live up to it. 

Today the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. For some reason I'm looking forward to it. I suppose I'm looking forward to the company. I also need help doing the dishes because I've not been able to do them. They've been too much of a big job to do by myself. I kept putting them off. 

I did get dressed nicely in a cheerful outfit for all the good that did me. At least I looked presentable when I walked Tyke. It didn't cheer me up as much as I had hoped it would. I'm wearing it today and maybe I will have better results. Right now, it's the nicest outfit I've got. 

I think I will go back to bed now. I've got some sleep left in me yet. It will be nice to lie there and listen to the radio. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. 

Have a good morning when you wake up.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

No rest for me...

I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can't have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.

So now I'm sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster. 

To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don't want to be awake right now. I'm awake under protest.  All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly. 

I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit. 

I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there's a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That's why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it's a good thing that I don't have one handy. 

The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn't the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn't realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro's. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you're going to smoke at all... I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda. 

I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that's much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don't wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don't have it in the right position. I've found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don't move around much in my sleep. It's the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There's still room for Tyke to lie down too. 

I wasn't too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention. 

I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let's face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won't go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I'm glad I make it to my SPN's office. 

That dog is still barking and I still can't go back to bed. I'm wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he's trying to figure out where that dog is. He's looking into the dark night. 

I've got to find some other things to do now. I think I've made this epistle long enough. I've got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn't fit in my kitchen. I'm so deprived of luxuries. I don't take anything for granted. 

Have a good night.