Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Sunday blues...

I just got up for the second time and am having my second cup of coffee. Even though the sun is shining outside, I'm not enthused about the day, but I figure that everybody is allowed a day like that. I want to stay in my bathrobe and slippers and be lazy all day long and pretend that it has nothing to do with me. Actually, I would be doing what the day was created for, except that I wouldn't heed the call to prayer. I simply don't want to participate and I think I will be excused by whatever higher being lords it over me. 

I thought that it might be due to the fact that I had reduced my anti-depressants, but I decided that I was just in a slightly grumpy mood and not to blame it on that. I think it is quite normal to be in a grumpy mood every now and then for no particular reason other than that it is Sunday. It isn't my favorite day of the week anyway, no matter how hard I try to ignore this fact. Reducing my medicines has nothing to do with it. I simply want to be good and kind to myself and make the best of a not so exciting day. 

One thing I should not be and that is scared of moods, because they are the most normal thing  in the world. I can't always be even tempered, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm so very often in a positive mood that a grumpy mood takes me by surprise and I immediately get suspicious. I try to find a reason other than the most obvious one, in other words, that it's part of the human condition. It is possible to be fed up with the most ordinary things and to need a little time out, which is what I'm going to take today. 

Having written all of this down already makes me feel a lot better. I have probably analyzed it the long way around, but I have gotten to my point in the end. Anyway, there is to be no 'ought' or 'should' today. There are only wants and needs. 


Friday, January 28, 2011

The 101st post.

Post 100 went by without me realizing it. I would have had a big celebration with party hats and balloons, but I'm too late now. I could still have a cupcake, but where can you buy just one cupcake? I would have to get at least three and feel obliged to eat them all, or two of them anyway and give the other one to Tyke who doesn't need one. I'll have to properly celebrate the 200th post and have people over to share in the fun and buy a real cake. That's a good plan and gets me off the hook for now.

I just woke up from a nap on my bed. It was very comforting and beneficial. I was feeling cold and fuzzy brained before I took it and now feel restored back to normal, whatever that is by any measure. I think that when you say you feel 'normal,' everybody knows what that means. It's a universally accepted state of being, as opposed to feeling 'crazy' which is not okay. Taking a nap can make you feel perfectly normal. In my case it always seems to work well. At any rate, I'm full of good cheer now. 

No doubt I'm full of good cheer because it's Friday evening and the weekend has officially started. I feel myself bathed in good vibes. I couldn't feel better if I were going out to the pub tonight with a bevy of my best pals and was going to drink six pale ales. That would be about my limit if I were going to ride my bike home. 

Luckily, I have to do no such thing and I get to stay in the warm apartment and not have to brave the freezing temperatures outside, although a pale ale would taste awfully good right now and I have none in the refrigerator. That is my bad luck and I should plan ahead better. I will ask the Exfactor to pick me up a six-pack the next time he goes grocery shopping. 

The good thing is that it's nice and warm in here. I aired out the apartment earlier today and pretended that the cold air didn't bother me. There was very little sunshine on the windows, because the sun is still so low in the sky that I'm plunged in shade in the afternoon. The apartment was aired out, at least to my sense of smell it was, but it sure was chilly in here. I wore almost enough clothes, but Tyke started shivering. 

I quickly closed the windows and turned up the thermostat. I was ready to knit Tyke a sweater. I think he was grateful as it heated up in here. I sure was glad about it. I'm not much of a hero when it comes to extremes of temperatures, unless I'm dressed like Scott on Antarctica. My nose is not sensitive enough to know how it really smells in here now. I'm so used to nicotine. I'm sure only I can live with it or the occasional visitor who also smokes. 

Since I'm not having a cold glass of beer, I'm having a cup of freshly brewed coffee, which is not bad either, although I would have preferred the beer. What a choice that is on a Friday night. Coffee or beer, really! Come to think of it, though, there's an awful lot of carbonation in beer and no doubt it will make me burp something terrible. That's something you always have to take into consideration when you have a gastric band. It won't be so bad when I burp, I will be here on my own anyway, but there may be some discomfort involved. I don't know if I'm willing to undergo that. Maybe I should let it sit and go flat first.

I'm going to hang up a load of freshly washed laundry before I forget. It will make it smell good in here. At least, that's my fervent hope. 


Thursday, January 27, 2011

The bull by the horns...

Today is my day off and I can do with it as I please. I will have to walk Tyke and do some chores, but other than that, I can be as leisurely as I want to be. I have no appointments and nobody coming over. That means I can sit here in my bathrobe for a while with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes and take my time writing this. That's nice if I'm not inspired by my muse and I have to think about what to write next. 

Tyke was taken to the dog trim salon yesterday by the Exfactor and came back half the dog he was. His circumference had been decidedly diminished. He didn't, however, look like a puppy. He looked like the adult dog he is, with a fully grown body and a strongly built head and face. I did have to sit and stare at him in this incarnation quite a bit. He looked so tough, as if he was a different dog and some of his cuteness was gone. We did a lot of bonding, because I felt that I had to re-establish my ties with him. 

Of course, he's the same sweet thing he always was, he just looks different. We played with the ball and I gave him many belly rubs and scratched his ears and tugged his rawhide bone. He slept on the bed with me as usual and I think since he has such short hair now, he wanted to stay especially warm so close to me.

Yesterday, I also told my personal helper that I had less need for personal help now and that I wanted to reduce the care from 4 hours a week to one hour a week. She was quite taken aback and flustered. I don't think she knew how to deal with it, because I was so sure of myself and so assertive. The normal procedure is that they decide when you need less care and this is done after careful discussion in an internal group headed by a psychologist. 

I had already gotten the distinct impression that the 4 hours a week care would go on indefinitely and that there would be no re-evaluation. It surprised me that they didn't wonder as to what to do with me anymore when it became so clear that our time together was empty and useless. We might have as well played a game of cards. We were desperately trying to fill up the time. I was saving up chores to do for while they were here, but then being told that this wasn't necessary if I could do them myself. I felt that I had to keep them entertained while they were here. 

Well, I'm down to figuring things out for myself now. I feel perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Reducing my medication has made me much more stable and aware of things. I no longer feel lethargic and dull witted.

I'm looking forward to today. It will be a cold but partially sunny day. It will be nice weather to walk Tyke in. I hope he won't be too cold in his short coat. I do have the luxury of wearing my warm winter coat and gloves. 

I hope you all have a nice day.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It's late at night, but I assume I will go to bed eventually. It's past midnight, so officially the day has ended and I'm in a new day. It is Wednesday now and Tuesday is yesterday. That's to avoid confusion when I talk about yesterday. 

Yesterday I saw my SPN and talked about my growing dislike to see my personal helpers anymore. I explained how with the decrease of my medicines, my own sense of self destination and independence had returned and that I felt much more capable and emancipated and in charge of my own life and much less dependent on the help and interference of other people. 

My SPN thought that made perfect sense and that I sounded very reasonable, but she didn't want me to discontinue the services of my personal helpers in case I was in need of them somewhere down the road. She did say that maybe it was time to cut back the amount of visits to once a week or once every two weeks. I think for scheduling purposes I will have to go to once a week. 

I will discuss this with my Wednesday personal helper this morning and tell her that I would like only the one to come on Mondays to get the week started. I don't know how she will take this, but it must be done. We're wasting each other's time. There's no sense in her coming here on Wednesdays. I will be most diplomatic about it and get it across it in the most positive way. There's no need to hurt anyone's feelings. Having decided that, I feel a lot better. 

It rained almost all day yesterday and I walked to my SPN under my umbrella. I decided to walk instead of riding my bike, as I thought that might be easier on my knee. I also didn't want to get soaking wet and the Exfactor also needed my bike to do the groceries while I was gone. He arrived here just before I left and we had coffee together while I made the grocery list.

I took Tyke for walks in the rain and his fur turned curly as if he'd had a perm. He is lucky that way. My hair just gets straighter when it gets wet.

I think it's time for me to go to bed. I'm tired now and long to go to sleep. It will be ever so cozy in my bed. 

Have a good night, you all. 


Monday, January 24, 2011

If I can think of something...

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee, which probably won't prevent me from going to bed again later on, but I'm not supposed to, because my Belgian personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be ready for her and not receive her all sleepy headed in my pajamas and bathrobe. That would happen, because the battery in my alarm clock is dead again and I really don't have another one now, so the alarm clock can't wake me up on time. I have to shower and get dressed before she gets here, that's part of the deal. She does keep me on my toes. It's all part of the effort to make a decent human being out of me. One that's presentable to the world and I think it's come to fruition so far, but then again, I was never a lost cause. 

Before I went to bed last night, I changed the sheets and it was a pleasure to lie down in bed and go to sleep. Of course, I didn't sleep long enough, but if I'm smart, I will last the rest of the day and save up all my need for sleep until tonight. I tell myself that this should not be too hard to do, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself? I can just see myself make attempts to stay off the sofa later this afternoon.  I suppose I will be drinking my pot of coffee today, but not to the point that I'm so wired that I can't calm down. I won't take it to that extreme. There is even a limit to how much coffee I can drink and be happy with. 

Because today is Monday, it feels like I'm going to participate in my own little rat race again. My rat race is not too fast and complicated, but it is in contrast to the lazy weekend when my time is my own. I have obligations during the week, although they can be seen as accomplishments that I achieve and that are good for my self esteem if I do. That's how I approach them anyway and I'm always very relieved at the end of the day when everything has gone well. God forbid that my life should be more complicated than it is. I manage things just fine now and get enough satisfaction out of them. Not much ought to be added to it. It would be like throwing a wrench into the works. 

I am getting a little tired of my personal helpers. I feel that I don't need them so much anymore and I'm starting to feel their presence as an interference and not an added value. They are becoming much too nosy and bossy for my taste and I'm not looking forward to their presence as much as I once did. I started to notice this once I started to reduce my medicines and I think  it maybe is because I've become less passive. I think they are taking away my autonomy which I so badly want. I will have to stand up for myself and let my own opinions count. I don't want anyone interfering with my independence and my sense of self destination. I don't think I need to depend that much on other people to give me a sense of direction and purpose.

Having said that, I think I will get the show on the road now. There are a few chores I have to do. 

Have a good day!


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Always in the morning...

I made the mistake of looking at the alarm clock this morning, not realizing that it had stopped because the battery had died. According to it, it wasn't even early in the morning yet. I felt quite frustrated, because I was all done sleeping, but soon after that, I looked at my watch and saw that it was much later. I do have bad luck with batteries for the alarm clock and I hope this one is rechargeable. I'll have to invest in a package of rechargeable batteries. That shouldn't cost an arm and a leg and I do need them for other things as well. I'll put them on the shopping list for next Tuesday along with a bottle of vinegar to clean the coffeemaker. 

The coffeemaker is making a lot of protesting noises when it spits out the last bit of water into the filter and I know it is because of the hard water and the fact that I haven't cleaned it for a while. It's so easy to forget. I do have to take care of it, because it's a good coffeemaker, although I would prefer a Senseo machine, but I can't really afford one of those right now. I want to get a real one and not one of those cheap imitations that you see for sale sometimes. I have no faith in them at all. I think they'll break down in the shortest amount of time. 

Yesterday was a nice day, although it rained nearly all day. I didn't let that bother me and took Tyke for a long walk in the drizzle. I decided we needed some fresh air and some exercise. We both enjoyed it very much, apart from the fact that we got wet. That's not the worst thing that can happen, though. I pretended that I didn't have a sore knee and walked like it didn't bother me. I doesn't seem to have hurt me at all. It's going to be sore anyway, regardless of what I do. At this point, I think it's the cut that hurts me most. 

There was speed skating on television in the afternoon and that did provide some diversion. The Dutch men did well and I can only be proud of them. I do enjoy watching speed skating, as it's almost hypnotic to look at, especially if they skate a longer distance. It's a very relaxing sport to watch, while being exciting enough too. The commentary is always very good and professional and as unbiased as it can get. There's real admiration for the skaters from other countries, not just our own. 

I didn't get a lot of chores done, but then that didn't seem so important. There was not that much to do anyway. I played with Tyke a lot and gave him some of my undivided attention, which he appreciated very much. Gandhi participated as much as possible, unless it got too rough. She stuck as close to us as she could and retrieved Tyke's rubber toy when it got stuck under the chair. That was good, because I didn't have to kneel down and get it. That's kind of hard on my knee.

The Exfactor came by and I gave him some of my strong coffee and that quite perked him up. I saw him come to live. I think he'd only had tea, which proves my point that it's another beverage altogether. 

I went to bed early, despite my intention to stay up. By eight o'clock I was yawning something awful and longing to go to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there was no stopping it. I listened to the radio for a while, but there were football games on and that doesn't interest me all that much. It seems that football season is never over. If so, I must miss the break. I was thinking about putting on a CD when I fell asleep. 

This morning I will go back to bed for a while, because it's Sunday morning and there's no need to rush the day. There will be enough hours to be up to do things in. It's going to be cloudy and chilly today and there may be a shower now and then. It's not very exciting weather. Mostly very dreary. It's really the kind of weather that makes you want to have a hibernating Sunday, but I suppose I will go for another long walk with Tyke. We'll take the same route we did yesterday, because it was such a great success. It was just long enough to not be too exhausting. 

I hope you all have a great day!


Friday, January 21, 2011

A few cups of coffee...

I was getting worried about myself and thought that I was maybe feeling the effects of the reduction of my medication. I felt negative and emotional and couldn't talk myself out of it. Then a brilliant idea hit me and I thought that maybe I was going through caffeine withdrawal. I'd only had two cups today. I quickly made a pot of coffee and now I'm drinking my second cup. I feel a lot better already, so my hunch was right and that problem was easily solved. 

I do have my addictions, but I guess my anti-psychotics aren't one of them. Caffeine and nicotine are, but I had been ready to take another pill and I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad the solution of the coffee presented itself to me first, because I would have lived under a mistaken illusion. I would have thought that I could not reduce my medication any further and that would have been a shame. I'm doing such a good job at reducing them and I'm kind of proud of myself that I've gotten this far already. I would not have thought it was possible. 

It's just below freezing outside, but it's nice and warm in here. I have the blinds drawn and the heater on and I'm warmly dressed. I'm glad it's evening and I'm ready to make the most of it. It's my goal to really enjoy this Friday night. Not that there's anything on television, I'll have to find another way to amuse myself. That shouldn't be too difficult. I do have some imagination and then there's always the radio to listen to. 

I've always been fond of a good political discussion and I'm sure there will be one on tonight now that the university students are protesting against the budget cuts. I don't think the protesters will be taken serious and I think the budget cuts will be made anyway. Not enough students showed up at the rally. The protest signs were too neat and too polite. The students were well behaved. There wasn't enough of an uproar. Nobody knows how to get outraged anymore. The government will do what it wants, regardless of the opposition and in this case, it may possibly be right. 

I've had enough coffee now and I feel great. It's done its job and I can function like a normal person again. That certainly is a difference with how I felt earlier. It's funny that the things that seem the most innocent, are the most addictive. I wonder if people get the same addiction to regular tea? And what did people do in the days before there was coffee or tea? They must have had a drink to get them going in the morning. I can't imagine that they just drank water. There must have been some stimulating beverage. I know that people drank a weak beer when the water in the towns was not potable. Maybe everybody was continually slightly drunk back then. It was said that beer was good for nursing mothers. It can't have been all bad and there used to be a lot of breweries. 

My timing is perfect and I can watch the news in a little while. I think the news ought to last longer and be more comprehensive, but that's just me. Most people probably don't want that. 

Have a good night!


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ma'am, it's not broken...

I'm sitting here in the afternoon with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am enjoying the relative peace and quiet that reign. Outside the sun is periodically shining and it looks warmer than it actually is. Inside it is warm enough and I'm wearing an extra cardigan just to be on the safe side. I don't like to be the least bit chilled, as I am a creature of comfort. I don't do suffering very well and avoid it at all cost. I don't think it's necessary to the human condition.

I would like to be in charge of all the temperatures and make it comfortable everywhere, but then I really ought to go live in a sub-tropical climate. I would prefer that to a tropical climate where it would be too hot and humid. I wouldn't want to sweat all day and have to use a deodorant every ten minutes. It would be okay if I got to live by the blue sea and go swimming all day long, although I don't look good in a bikini, but that's nothing to worry about if you live by yourself in a shack on a lonely beach. You can go naked then.

I did enjoy living in a sub-tropical climate when I lived in California. I thought it was just perfect, except for the occasional heatwave. In the wintertime people were always worrying about getting chilled and wearing a jacket, while I thought the temperature was just lovely. I really liked the rainy season when the rain fell straight out of the sky in buckets. It wasn't cold and you could go outside and walk in it. It isn't like here where you freeze your buns off. 

Well, I don't have to worry about walking around and generally using my knee and bending it. It isn't broken. I knew ahead of time that it wasn't going to be, even though it does really hurt. At least I don't have to worry about damaging it when I use it. I can pretty much ignore the pain and do what I am able to. I have to call the doctor tomorrow and hear what she has to say about it. I assume that she will prescribe rest. 

In the meantime I do some limping and try to make myself as comfortable as possible. I'm not taking any painkillers. I don't think those are necessary. They can be hard on your stomach anyway. I feel more relaxed now about walking around and about taking Tyke out. I know I'm not hurting anything by doing so. All in all it's a big relief.

Tyke's decided he needs some attention. I'm alternately petting him and typing this. 

Have a great day!


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

But all I did was fall down!

My Wednesday personal helper convinced me to go to the doctor to have my knee looked at. I was able to go at 9:30 this morning and had it examined quite thoroughly and was then told that an X-ray would have to be made of it. I'll have to go to the hospital for that. I made an appointment, but couldn't have it done until tomorrow. My sister will take me and her friend will pick me up, because my sister has to go to work. 

I wasn't really in the mood to go to the hospital to have an X-ray made, but I'll be good and have it done. My personal helper talked me into it. I needed some convincing. It upsets my day and I don't like anything upsetting my day. I don't like my schedule changed. I like for everything to be predictable and normal, but I'll be alright once it's done. It will be a huge relief. 

The doctor said I had quite a wound, but that it was healing really well. I didn't say that I let my dog lick it clean and that's why it looked so good. She would have come at me with a huge injection needle. 

This morning there were suddenly workmen outside my living room windows digging up the sidewalk. They dug down to the water main. They did what they had to do and sometime later some other men came and closed the hole up with new sand and retiled it.They used heavy machinery to do this and Tyke was beside himself with fear or anger. He barked quite a bit. Luckily, they worked fast and got the job done quickly. There was no notice in the mailbox saying why they had shown up like that and what work they had performed. It could have been a terrorist network. Nobody would have been the wiser. 

I've got to take a nap. I'm so sleepy and my knee hurts. I need a rest. 

Have a nice day!


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

All is well past midnight...

It's past midnight and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've already slept, but woke up from some awful singing on the radio and the pain in my knee. Yesterday when I was walking Tyke, I slipped on some grating and landed on my knee and hurt it, and since then it has been bothering me. I don't think it is anything serious, but just an irritating pain that makes me hobble a bit. I was wearing my slick ankle boots, thinking I could because there was no snow or ice, but an accident sits in a small corner, as we say here.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day, except for that, and it went by quickly. My personal helper was here in the morning and, because I wanted to make sure that we had some useful things to do, I had saved up two chores. She jokingly told me that she was very grateful for that and that there was nothing wrong with a good talk over a cup of coffee. The next time I will do those chores by myself, as I'm perfectly able to. I very naively thought it would give us something to do besides talk, but apparently that is enough.

I also called the dog salon to make an appointment to have Tyke trimmed and he will be going there Wednesday next week. It's about time too, because I'm almost to the point that I have to put little ribbons in his hair and that would make him look like a girl dog. I'm sure he wouldn't like that if he understood it. I hope my knee is better by that time so I can take him.

The domestic help was here in the afternoon and very nicely cleaned the apartment. I sat in my bedroom with the animals for part of the time that she was here and listened to the radio. There was a politician on from the extreme right party, who was not following the party policy and keeping young Muslim women from entering the work force and therefor had been kicked out of the party. These are interesting times. He could not get a subsidy to set up a fledgling program because, according to party policy, he would have had to vote down his own proposal.  You learn something new every day. You don't hear these things on the 6 o'clock news.

I'm drinking cold lemonade now and very welcome it is too. I was very thirsty, but I think the coffee makes me so. It does dehydrate you. Every time I get up to get something, I limp for the first few steps until my knee gets adjusted to be in that position. It makes me look very poorly. 

I am going to try and go back to sleep in a while, but I feel amazingly awake. I don't think a person is supposed to be this awake in the middle of the night. It's not normal. I must start longing for my bed and that warm duvet. I am a little bit cold sitting here. Doubtlessly that's from the cold lemonade too, but it does make me long for a warm and cozy place.

Have a good morning when you get up or a good night when you go to sleep. Whichever applies to you. 


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Unbelievably so...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and if it were summertime, the sun would be coming up now. That's how I excuse my early presence here. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I've just answered my emails and let Tyke out back. It was a little bit cold out there and I stood by the back door in my tank top and pajama bottoms. It was very refreshing, but now I've put on my bathrobe. I'm not that hardy. I did have goosebumps.

Since it's Sunday today, it is officially a day of rest, although you may say that I've had one of those yesterday too. I know I did, but it wasn't official, I was sort of cheating then. Yesterday was a wasted day and I bow my head in shame when I think back on it. It was a day that I have nothing to show for and that is not something I'm proud of. The day slipped through my fingers like loose sand at the beach. I somehow, despite all the rest I'm supposed to get, hope to make up for it today and make it a worthwhile day. How I propose to do this is a mystery to me yet, but hopefully I'll think of something. 

Actually, what I forgot to do yesterday was plain enjoy myself. I was rather uptight all day long and didn't really relax. I didn't even take the time to just sit in my armchair to enjoy the solitude. The times that I could have, I turned on the television and watched programs that I wasn't really interested in. I think I felt uptight because I had cut down on my anti-depressives, and despite my resolve not to let that bother me, I think it did subconsciously influence me, as if I was expecting something to go wrong. I was just a bit on edge. 

Nothing really went wrong and at the end of the day I felt fine. When I went to bed I was perfectly normal and in a good enough state of mind. I really think that I had worried for nothing, even though it was only on a subconscious level and with hindsight. I misjudge the power of the pills, although at the same time I don't underestimate them. I do know they play an important part in the workings of my psyche, but I know that it's not so bad that I can't reduce them safely up to a point. I suppose I should say that I underestimate the strength of my own psyche and the fact that I am capable of dealing with my feelings. 

You do learn something new every day and you're never too old to learn, or maybe they are the same lessons you learn over and over again, just in a slightly different form so you don't forget them. There does seem to be a lot of repeat, but that maybe due to my foolhardiness. It's very well possible that all people are foolhardy and that we're all learning the same lessons over and over again. Maybe they don't really stick until we get older and they are engraved well enough into our brains. 

It's been a pleasure to sit here and write this, but I do think that I have to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not nearly time to start the day. I am starting to yawn and that is a sure sign that I'm not done sleeping yet. It will be nice to get back into bed for a few more hours. 

Have a good day, all of you. Or a good night if you're about to. 


Friday, January 14, 2011

Are you sleeping?

It's Friday afternoon and time to start celebrating the weekend. I don't do this with a cold beer, because I don't have any of those in the refrigerator. Instead, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes good too, though a beer might have tasted better and put me in a really good mood. I'm actually in a good enough mood all by myself, so that cup of coffee will have to do. I may even get really radical and have a glass of juice in a while. I won't put any vodka in it, although I still have half a bottle left. It will just have to linger on the shelf longer for a really special occasion, though I can't think of one right of the top of my head. Maybe I'll save it for world peace. 

The weekend ought to be very relaxed. The weather will be decent enough to take Tyke for many walks and I will be able to sleep late if I feel like it, which I usually do. That is only logical when you consider that I do my best sleeping in the mornings. I seem to be on a different time schedule than the rest of the country. There will be interesting things to watch on television and lots of good stuff to listen to on the radio. There will also be lots of opportunity to sit in my armchair and do nothing but daydream, which is becoming a favorite activity of mine and which I can  heartily recommend. It's very nice to sit in silence and to let your thoughts wander amongst gentle subjects. Very often I pet Tyke while I am sunk in thought and Gandhi lies on my lap. We do have our bonding moments. 

Today is the day that I cut my anti-depressives back by a third. I'm not worried about this and I assume it will be fine. Once my psychiatrist explained to me that you really aren't hooked on this kind of medicine, I stopped worrying about it. You do get hooked on things like tranquilizers, but I've always been able to get off those pretty easily. You aren't physically hooked on anti-depressives. You do use them as a mental crutch, so depending on your life circumstances, you may still need a crutch, but it can be something else. It can be an insight that you have gained into your own situation or psyche.

The sun is starting to set and it is getting dark in here. I have to switch some lamps on. It is also time to close the bedroom windows and turn on the heater. I am starting to feel a little bit cold.  The sky has been cloudy all day and it's going to rain tonight. I should be able to walk Tyke one more time without getting wet. If we do get wet, I have a towel to rub him dry with hanging over the bathroom radiator and he's very good about having that done. As a matter of fact, I think he enjoys it. Those are the little pleasures in life for him. He's just like a little kid and easy to please. 

I hope you all have a good evening.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Easing into the evening...

It's raining hard outside and I'm glad I'm not out there. I was out there earlier walking Tyke when it was drizzling and windy and that was bad enough. I didn't wear a hat, because it makes my hair look so funny, and my head got cold, but I can handle a little bit of cold. It's not freezing outside anymore and the temperatures are much kinder now compared to what they have been. Anything seems balmy now, even if the wind is blowing hard. 

It's going to be raining and 'balmy' for the next couple of days, so I guess we're very lucky. Anything that doesn't include freezing temperatures is good. A couple of days ago, people had to scrape the frost off their windshields and the grass was covered with it. There were even icy patches on the roads and the sidewalks, but we have none of that now, thank goodness. I never liked rain as much as I do now, although there have been other seasons that I liked it well enough also.

My personal helper was here this morning and we hung up the laundry and changed the sheets on the bed. I have to have jobs to do while she is here, otherwise we just sit here and talk and this particular helper, who comes on Wednesdays, is not so very good at that. She likes to have something to do. I must think of more chores to do while she is here. 

I sent her away a little bit early, because I really wanted to take a short nap on the sofa. It seemed that I didn't get enough sleep during the night, although I slept for seven hours. I thought that was enough when I got up this morning, but I never did stop yawning and the walk with Tyke that I took at dawn didn't refresh me properly. I wasn't ready to conquer the world. 

I'm so glad that there are clean sheets on my bed. I'm looking forward to going to sleep tonight. Something very interesting will have to be on television to prevent me from going prematurely. It's ridiculous. I act like a farmer from the Dark Ages who goes to bed when his chickens roost. It's like I have no life after it gets dark and it gets dark early. No. it's not like I really mind. I have no problem with it really. I do like my schedule and am quite comfortable with it. It fits me and that's the main concern.

I must remember that the days are getting longer now and if I try very hard, I can imagine that and tell myself that I notice the difference. It does give you something to be hopeful about. You do have to look at it optimistically. January is already almost halfway over. It is going by quickly. And the days really do seem a bit longer. I must always look at the glass half full and not half empty. It's a better attitude. You must never think that things are as dire as the night is dark. Besides, the night is no enemy of mine.

God awful Sesame Street is on. I suppose that when you're a kid, it's a wonderful program to watch, but when you're an adult it's maddening. It's always on before the six o'clock news, so I always catch a glimpse of it. I can't believe I used to watch it when my kids were little. I must have been brain dead then. I think all mothers of small children are, or simple minded. I sure am glad I survived that stage in my life and that my brain started functioning again afterwards. It seems it survived undamaged, although emotionally it took me some time to get over it. It did teach me to have infinite amounts of patience with a lot of things. I don't know if that's a good character trait, however. 

I've already been watching the news during the day, so there's probably not much news there for me to watch. I may as well wait for the eight o'clock news, which will be more comprehensive. Today is the commemorative of the earthquake in Haiti and there are a lot of questions about where all the money went that was donated. Different explanations are given, but it seems that country is difficult to help back on its feet, because it wasn't on its feet before. There was an enormous amount of poverty and corruption and there is even more now. 

I won't get bogged down in a discussion about that. I could have many similar discussions. There's injustice all over the world. 

There are rivers in the Netherlands overflowing their banks. It is not the disaster it could be, because we're well prepared. Where it is possible, temporary walls are built to hold back the water. In other places, land is being allowed to flood. The situation is much worse in Queensland where they really have problems. We watch what is happening in Brisbane with bated breath. 

Well, so much for my thoughts this evening, They did go all over the place. I must have had a lot on my mind. That's what happens if you watch the news a lot. 

I hope you all have a good evening.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Itsy bitsy thoughts...

It's early in the morning and I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee. It tastes very good, even though I didn't measure the coffee carefully when I put it into the filter. I just eyeballed it. It looked right, so I went with it. I didn't feel like putting the coffee into the paper filter with measured spoonfuls. I was too hurried for that. I just wanted a cup of coffee quickly. 

Some mornings are that way. Not because I'm grumpy, because I'm far from that. I just want the coffee because I crave it and I'm thirsty. It also is a perfect accompaniment to my cigarette, which I also crave. I can seldom be accused of being grumpy. Mostly I'm very kindhearted when I wake up in the mornings, unless I'm woken up from a sound sleep, which I rarely am. Even then I don't bite anyone's head off. 

I went to bed early last night and I don't even remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I took two rusk toasts with butter to bed with me and got crumbs in the bed. That was bound to happen, of course, so I had to wipe those away before I could settle down. I was asleep in no time and I don't remember any of my dreams, so they must not have been important and that's just the way I like it. I don't necessarily want to remember all of them. Not all of them are epic stories with great meaning. 

I have two appointments today. One with my psychiatrist in the morning. It will be about the reduction of the medicines and how well that is going. I think he wants to have a good look at me to make sure I'm still fairly normal. Of course, I can assure him that I am, but I would say that maybe even if I weren't. I could be on my way to hypo-mania and claim to be perfectly normal. I have been known to do that. It is a careful consideration. 

I have an appointment with my SPN in the afternoon. She called me yesterday and said that she had gotten over the flu. That's why I missed my appointment with her last week. I was lucky enough that she had an opening today. 

In between the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and have coffee. I've got to make a grocery list beforehand and check on the cleaning supplies, because I don't know if the domestic helps let me know on time when they start running out. I'm always hearing, oh, this bottle is empty! I'm going to have a look at all of them and see how much is there. 

So it will be a slightly busy day and I don't mind. It will make the time go by quickly and I will appreciate the time off all the more. I do like the pauses in between the hectic times. At least the apartment is clean and the dishes and the laundry are all done. That's one reason to count my blessings. I'm sure I can think of several others if I put my mind to it. 

It's already with some amount of joy that I look forward to Thursday when I will have no appointments or anyone coming over at all. It will be a free day to do with as I please and I do need days like that when all I do is walk Tyke and do whatever chores need to get done. I do like my solitary days. They always give me a little breathing space to get back on track. I suppose people who work have to save that up until the weekends and even then they have a lot of things to do that they don't get around to during the week. I guess it would be hard to fit in solitary time if they had that need.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I plan to have one myself. It is with some amount of anticipation that I look forward to it. 


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A cow jumped over the moon...

I just had to mightily entertain Tyke for a while. He decided that he was bored and that he needed lots of attention. I must have petted him for half an hour, at least, that's what my arm feels like. I think he's been sufficiently entertained now, but you never know. He's like a little kid on any Sunday afternoon. There's nobody to play with and there's nothing on television. It's too bad that I can't read him stories. 

I made myself a pot of coffee and sat in my armchair for a long time doing absolutely nothing but letting my mind wander. That's a good thing to do on a Sunday. It's a good day for contemplation. You just have to make sure that you don't get carried away with it, so you mustn't think too deeply. They have to be light and entertaining thoughts as much as possible. You mustn't start thinking that you have problems, because they are nearly nonexistent in the grander scheme of things. 

It's a good idea to look around you and to see how other people live their lives and how they deal with the problems that come their way. You find out that you don't do too badly. As a matter of fact, you may be surprised at how well you do. It's a good time to throw overboard your own mythology and to start believing in yourself. It's good to know that you aren't one extreme or the other, but something in the middle where it is comfortable to be.

The afternoon is coming to an end and so is the weekend. It's been a nice time off with not much to show for it, but then that wasn't my intention. Every day that is successful is one I strike up for posterity. To have as many successful days as possible at the end will be my legacy. I don't aim to leave behind much more than that. Happiness is my goal, the form of which I'll recognize if I'm open minded enough. 

Tyke's sound asleep by my feet. I hardly know where to put them. I'm sitting here with twisted legs so as to not step on him. He likes to get as close as possible. Gandhi is asleep on the red fleece blanket on the sofa. That's been her spot all weekend. I'm going to fix dinner, I'm hungry. Some rice will do nicely. 

Have a good evening!


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Slowly but surely...

My coffee tastes very good this morning and I can't get enough of it. It is making me as perky as a butterfly on a sunny spring day. Well, you can see where my thoughts are. They are certainly not stuck in the wintertime. They long for another season. Because it's January I do dare to long for the springtime. I look forward to it as something that's going to happen in the not too unforeseeable future. I am an optimist, no matter what the weather is still going to bring us. Which will be rain this weekend and that is a heck of a lot better than snow or sleet. 

I even dared sleep with my bedroom window open last night. That's because it really wasn't that cold outside. Cold is all very relative. It just depends on what you've gotten used to. It's no longer freezing, so any kind of temperature is nice. It feels healthier to sleep with the window open, all that fresh air must be good for something. I imagine it's better for my braincells. I will have better dreams because of it, though I don't really remember the ones I had last night. They must not have been that impressive.

I ate carrots and peas for dinner last night and they were so good that I ate my fill of them. I was truly full when I had to stop eating and I had to give the last of the carrots to Tyke who devoured them with a lot of appetite. I had forgotten how much fun it was to eat a big spoonful of peas. To really stuff your mouth with them and slowly chew them. It was heavenly. I have more left for tonight and it's something to look forward to. It's the little pleasures in life that make it fun. Peas and carrots can make you very happy. 

I watched a Dutch police series and it was as bad as they always are. A lot of drama and action and very little substance. I don't know why I bother, except that this one is filmed locally so it is interesting to see all the familiar places. The only problem is that nobody in the series speaks with a local accent, because they all come from the west of the country and that does make it lose some of its credibility. I don't know if that holds true for British series as well. 

I didn't go to bed too late last night. There was nothing else on television that I wanted to watch, as is usual for Friday nights. I can't get excited about many of the programs that are on, but that's why the television has an off button. I won't sit there and mindlessly watch whatever is on. I'm not hooked on it. 

Today is Saturday and the first official day of the weekend, although it really started yesterday afternoon after the domestic help left. I'm looking forward to the lazy days that are ahead of me. I will hang out in my bathrobe for a while this morning and be slow to get the show on the road. There is no time clock to punch and nobody will show up here. I get to have my privacy all to myself. 

There will be speed skating on today and I will watch that. Our best skater is not competing, so now it's up to the other guys. They will get a chance to prove their worth. They're up against some tough competition. They're skating the 10K today and that's a tough race. I'm curious to see how well we will do. It will be a relaxing way to spend the afternoon, for me at any rate. Not for them.

Have a good day!


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Not enough of a good thing...

I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette. I just woke up from a short nap on the sofa, which made me feel a lot better than I did before I took it. I was a bit discombobulated and feeling like I wasn't quite all together and thought it was because of the missing pill. I've just now taken all my evening medicines and should be doing okay in no time at all. 

Outside it is raining and melting a lot of the snow and ice, which is good. I wish it would rain more and really get rid of it. I would love to see clean streets and sidewalks. I'm afraid that the rain isn't coming down hard enough to wash away the toughest of the ice. It really needs to pour for that.

Maybe I should do a rain dance, though I'm not related to any kind of an aboriginal at all and probably don't have the right powers and accouterments. The gods would not be fooled by me, a western European woman. I probably can't dance down the rain, but I could give it an honest effort. Can you see me now, out on the patio? That would be a sight!

It's already dark outside and the streetlights are on. I still have the window shades up and can see a splatter of rain hit the windows every now and then. Inside it's cozy with the lamps and the heater on. I've just fed the animals, so they are happy. They do patiently wait in the kitchen until I notice them there. Not a peep out of them. I wish Tyke would be more assertive and carry his dish to me. Or that Gandhi would at least meow.

The Exfactor was here earlier in the day to drink coffee. He could actually make it up the street on his motorcycle. He has been having to park it at the beginning of the street and walk the rest of the way, because it was too slippery.

He told me the same story of how many films he took apart and how many trailers of films and how many advertisements and how long it took him. It makes me cross eyed with boredom. He only has a couple of stories and he tells me the same ones over and over again. He's like an old demented man. I feel that he's slowly driving me mad with them.

It's possible that we don't have enough to talk about for two visits in the week. I certainly don't know enough except for what I hear on the news, so I don't have that much to contribute.

Well, that's really all I've got to tell you, speaking of interesting contributions.

Have a nice evening.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

In the land of do not sleep...

It's very early in the morning, as it usually is when I write a post, so there's nothing new there. I need not even mention it anymore, but it's such a convenient way to start a sentence. I'm having my coffee and cigarettes, as is usual too and I shouldn't have to mention that either, but it sets the scene. I'm sitting by the light of the desk lamp in my bathrobe and slippers. Do I ever sit here any differently? You'd be surprised if I wrote that I'm sitting here totally naked with strawberries stuck up my nose. Well, I'm not, don't fear. 

I didn't sleep all night long like I wished. I did have that intention, but my wish didn't come true. Like so many other nights, I woke up to go to the toilet and was wide awake after that. Tyke needed to go out and I made coffee. I do have enough sense to make coffee and not rely on a glass of milk to get me to rejoin the living. That doesn't work. Milk addles my brain and works like a tranquilizer. Coffee makes me sharp and quick witted. I don't think I'm supposed to drink milk when I write a blog post. It immediately dulls my senses. It's okay for watching television with. I seem to have that reaction to milk. 

I went to sleep last night without listening to the radio or to any music. I just laid in the almost dark and closed my eyes and tried to push away any intruding thoughts. I thought of pleasant things, mostly. Whenever something unpleasant popped up, I concentrated on the different parts of my body and how relaxed they were. I did notice that, because there was no radio or no music, I had a tune running through my head on my own continuously. It wasn't anything familiar and I thought maybe I was an undiscovered composer. Yeah, right. And Vivaldi was my ancestor. 

I fell asleep within 20 minutes. It wasn't such a bad thing to lie there and wait to fall asleep. I know that if I were to read a book, it would take me much longer, because I would get absorbed in what I was reading. I'm trying to keep the stimuli to a minimum and find the best way to fall asleep and stay asleep. It's still very elusive to me. Staying asleep, that is. Once in a while when it happens, I'm always pleasantly surprised and I wonder what I did right. Apparently I got it wrong this night. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to wear today. It's going to be a balmy 6 degrees Celsius and it's going to rain this afternoon. It will be near tropical weather (42F). That calls for a whole different outfit than I've been wearing. I will look in my closet and see what sort of exciting things are there. 

It's much too early to start the day, but I suppose I will. There's no time like the present to do the things I must do. 

Have a nice day!


Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Last night I fell asleep with a CD of the sound of a thunderstorm accompanied with gentle music. It was very soothing and I fell asleep about halfway through it. When I woke up in the night to go to the toilet, all was silent in my bedroom and I went straight back to sleep. I slept until 8:30 this morning and enjoyed the serenity that was there instead of the cackle of talk radio. It was a better way to wake up and I probably slept better because of the silence. 

I'm going to try it again tonight with the gentle piano music of Erik Satie. I have two CDs by him and I will look through the rest of my CD collection and see what other soothing music I have there. I think the silence that comes after the music is very important. I seem to sleep better when there is no noise at all. At least I don't get all sorts of subliminal messages from the radio that interfere with my dreams and that makes them more gentle too.

Now I'm sitting here slowly waking up with my coffee and cigarettes. The sun is shining brightly outside and the sky is blue. The sun is hopefully melting the snow in the street. I'm still yawning and think I could have slept another hour or so, but I had to get up, because I'm expecting the Exfactor. I should get dressed before that time, but I'm awfully comfortable in my bathrobe right now. I'll have one more cup of coffee first. 

I was supposed to go see my SPN this afternoon, but the secretary called to say that she was sick, so suddenly there is no rush to the day. I can take it easy, because I don't have to be somewhere at a certain time. That gives me some spare time that I'm sure I'll find a purpose for. I've been reading my own blog archives and I think I will continue to do that. It is very enlightening. 

Well, I think I will get dressed. I'm just dawdling now and not accomplishing much. I don't have much to report either. Everything is fine. 

Have a nice day!


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Quiet Days...

I've spent a quiet day at home, not doing anything out of the ordinary but watching television and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did open the bedroom window at one point to air out the place until it got too cold in here. I just turned up the thermostat and I'm waiting for my hands to get warm. I didn't realize that I had gotten so cold.

I did take Tyke out and we trudged through the melting snow. The ice is even melting and crunches when I step on it. Some people have cleaned their sidewalks. Other people have blocked the sidewalks with piles of snow from their driveways. That's real smart, isn't it? They're not the brightest bulbs in the package. 

I put out the trash early while I thought of it, because I forgot last week so I had two bags today. If I don't put it out while I think of it and put it off until later, I'm bound to forget about it, because the Exfactor always used to put out the trash and it's a job I'm still not used to doing regularly. You would think I would be now after two years, but I still have to make a point of it. There's always a little warning bell going off some time during the weekend that I must not forget it, but it doesn't usually go off at the right moment.

He also used to always pay the bills, but that was a job he disliked doing very much and paperwork was always put off until the very last minute. When I had to take that over all on my own, I immediately got very organized and found out all about it as quickly as I could. I'm very up to date on the bills and have most of them written off automatically so I don't forget anything. I do have a budget and stick to it closely. It's a responsibility I can handle, but then I only have to worry about my own expenses and I don't have a family to worry about. Like kids who make big demands or a husband who is high maintenance. 

I didn't used to know what was in the kitchen cabinets or in the kitchen closet, except the most necessary things. I came to find out, when I was living on my own, that there was a lot of junk there and that a lot of other places in the apartment held a lot of junk. A 'getting rid of stuff' process started and now I'm almost down to the basics and everything is accounted for. The Exfactor used to be in charge, but wasn't really capable of running the ship. He was the wrong person for it, because he was not capable of throwing anything out. Things got stowed everywhere and collected dirt and dust.

It's very strange to live in a place that you're not in charge of, while you're in fact the woman of the house. It's a very liberating realization when you do become in charge of it and fix things according to your own ideas and actually have the nerves to toss things out. You make huge discoveries and have light bulbs go on above your head and suddenly you see reason and become clear headed. Bless the day that I came to live on my own in this apartment. It is the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I guess you never would have thought that I'd say that one day, would you? 

It's very liberating to be a woman on your own, although it can be lonely at times and sometimes I do wish for a companion. I wouldn't want someone around me all the time, though. It would get on my nerves, because I do appreciate my independence and my privacy. I don't want to play house with anyone. I never was into that when I was a kid either. Neither did I play with dolls. I don't think I have huge bonding needs. They're not out of the ordinary anyway. I have a tendency to stick to myself and make do with my own company. Each person is an island, although part of an archipelago. You can build a bridge, but a bridge can be dismantled and then you can only swim across. 

I know someone who is a gregarious loner. It is something I would like to be, but I think I'm not gregarious enough yet. I need a little bit more humor in me. I take myself much too serious. Some day I'll be relaxed and wise enough to be one too. Then I'll be able to laugh at myself and see the humor of my own character. I'll be able to see the comedy that my own life also is. I'll approach mankind with laughter on my face. That will be my first expression. I have been told that I look naughty, like the cat that ate the mouse. But that's really my ironic look. Nobody knows this yet. Until now. 

Have a good evening.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

It's 2011...

I realized that this time Christmas and New Year's Eve weren't as bad as last year, because they were the second time since my divorce that I lived through them on my own. The first time was much harder. I was very consciously aware that I was on my own and I felt sorry for myself. I had no such problem this time and made it through just fine. I felt very independent and sure of myself and like the solitude was a choice and not something that was forced on me. I was comfortable with my own company and I didn't feel lonely. 

Last night, at the stroke of midnight, I cuddled and kissed Tyke and wished myself a Happy New Year. I couldn't cuddle and kiss Gandhi, because she was hiding from the noise of the fireworks. She didn't show up until an hour later. I petted her then and she followed me to the bedroom where I could finally get into bed along with Tyke very cozily. I was asleep soon after that. It does wear you out to listen to a barrage of fireworks for nearly one hour. 

Tyke did well. He was a little bit scared, but stayed close to me and I petted him the whole time and soothed his sometimes trembling body. He didn't bark or whine and I thought he was very brave. 

I'm very much aware that this is a new year and I do have certain expectations of it. I have not really made any resolutions. I still have the ones I made along the line last year and I'll continue on with those. They are very simple ones. Just some things I have determined to do for myself. Eat healthy, live frugally, be social and look at the bright side of things. Learn lessons from everything that happens. Nothing happens by chance. 

It's late in the morning now and I have been sitting here for a while drinking coffee as if I have a hangover. I drank milk at midnight. No alcohol for me. I would have enjoyed a cold white beer, but I didn't have any in the refrigerator. I survived without it too. It isn't necessary to celebrate every significant event with booze. It's a myth that it puts us in a better mood. Alcohol is a depressant, so who needs that? 

I'm going to see my sister and her friend this afternoon. She will come and get me so I won't have to ride my bike through the sludge that is the thawing snow and ice. That's a relief. I must eat something before I go. To celebrate the new year, I will eat something festive from my care package. The best thing I've been eating from it was the aged cheese. I have a piece of that every day and it's quite good. I'm down to the last piece now and I will have that tonight, providing I have room in my stomach. It depends on what else I've eaten. 

I must get dressed in something festive too. I must enter the new year correctly with the right amount of color. It won't do to look drab. 

Tyke and I will take a walk through what's left of the snow. There's actually quite a bit of it still. It isn't thawing fast enough for me and on Sunday night it is supposed to start freezing again. I hope they got that prediction wrong, because the street isn't nearly clean yet. It will be nice to be out in the fresh air and not break my neck in my new boots. They have proved to be very steady.

Hava Happy New Year all of you! May it be the best year ever.