Saturday, April 30, 2011

Another one for the road...

You can't artificially create a highly charged mood, so I will have to do with this medium charged mood instead. I'm not plucking the last stars out of the heavenly skies and seeing as though it's nearly dawn now, I won't be anymore either, no matter how many cups of coffee I drink. The morning will start off quietly and not with a bang and I will not go roaring into it. That's probably for the best, as it results in less accidents. 

After having had the joy of watching the royal wedding yesterday, I get the fun of watching Queen's Day being celebrated on television today. This is when our Queen Beatrix honors the birthday of our old Queen Juliana. It's a regular people's party all over the country and all stops are pulled out. We all celebrate. It's when the flags and the orange bunting are pulled out and flown all over and we go orange mad in honor of the House of  Orange. It's our national color. Queen's Day is our first national celebration in the springtime. The next will be Liberation Day on May the 5th. 

Since today is Saturday, it is a day off already besides being a national holiday. It will be very busy downtown and that area is best avoided. The cafe terraces will be filled with people because the weather will be good.  There will be the usual tourists and, because it's also spring break, there will be large amounts. It would be a perfect day to get lost in the crowd, if you liked a crowd.

I have to remember to be happy today and to not sit here like a rock in a meadow, all stony and silent and morose. There's no reason for me not to see the sunny side of life. I have to look at the reality of the day and see the lightness in it and it is going to be a very light day indeed. Maybe that has not quite dawned on me yet. The day will be filled with simple things and there's nothing to worry about, except what to wear and at what time to walk the dog. That's as easy as it gets. 

I slept a good six hours last night and that's a long time for me. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked at the alarm clock this morning. Still, I'm yawning right now, so I'm not fully awake yet. I must go and get dressed and take the dog out in the cool morning air and get woken up properly. There's a bit of wind that ought to blow the cobwebs from my mind. 

At this point the dog seems to have the same idea and has come up to me with big begging eyes. I think he's ready to go out. It's completely light outside now and the sun is shining.

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Friday, April 29, 2011

Being perfectly normal early in the morning...

Being perfectly normal doesn't happen very often anymore, so I do have to give it a special mention. Besides, I don't know how long the feeling is going to last. It may be very fleeting, but I hope it is solidly settled into my psyche for the rest of the day. I certainly welcome it and am very happy with it. It's been a long time since I have felt this way. 

I never know what ingredients make up the feeling and I hope to keep getting them right as I guess at them. I'm drinking coffee and have read other people's blog posts. They were for the most part cheerful, even the ones that were more introspective. Maybe that was just the take I had on them from my own point of view which is more rose colored. 

I've had at least 5 hours of sleep, that's pretty good by my standards. I had a very nice phone conversation with my daughter last night. I think that put some weight into the balance. It was about a positive subject and one I could advise her on using all my maternal instincts which are intact and alive and well. You never do stop being good at that, do you? It doesn't matter what age you are or what age your daughter is.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today for the second time this week and I'm going to set something straight which has been bothering me very much. It's a problem I had which I've since resolved and I want to help it out of this world and never talk about it again. It's an embarrassment to me now to even think about it. I will make short shrift of it. It's a reflection of how low I can get and had gotten. 

Being sound of mind has improved my point of view of life in general and my life in specific and suddenly everything looks a lot brighter than it did. All the little details that seemed so complicated now all look resolvable. I can't say that the world's problems seem less big by comparison, but I'm less burdened by them, if only in the smallest degree. Maybe my shoulders have become a bit stronger. 

I've always remained a realist about them anyway and never did think there was an easy solution or a solution at all. It's easier to look at my own life and take care of the details there. All I can do is manage my own life well. 

It's with some amount of relief that I start the day. Feeling unburdened for the most part has improved the way I'll enter the fray. It's not much of a fray anyway. At least, I don't look at it that way. Except for some minor complications, it all seems rather simple. All I have to do is stay as honest and as upfront as I can be and do my best. With a little bit of goodwill and a continuing good outlook, I ought to be able to do that.

And I still say, thank god it's Friday. The week has lasted long enough and it has been intense enough with lots of conflicting emotions that I'm more than ready for two days of nothingness. Of only watching cultural television and walking the dog and taking naps. And worrying about nothing else but which clothes I'm going to wear depending on the weather. That's as complicated as it's going to get. That's just about the level of excitement I'm willing to handle. 

No doubt I'll find some interesting elements to add to the mixture as I go along. One thing I have thought is that maybe I'm not really enjoying the book I'm reading and that I ought to start reading a different one, although I'm always loathe to leave a book unfinished. This one is not grabbing me, though. I don't really care enough about how it's going to end and I have been uninterested in reading it. I'm two thirds of the way through it and, although I like the characters, I don't care what happens to them. So I may be looking for a different book. 

I've got to take my medicines and check my emails. It's not quite time to get the day started. It is rather early still. I'll have to do some chores because the domestic help is going to be here today and I don't want her to walk into a messy apartment. I do still have my housewifely pride. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's tomorrow already...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette wasting my time. I should be asleep and I had vowed that I would be, but I woke up nevertheless. Never one to miss an opportunity, I'm writing a post, of course. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

I have to wait until I get sleepy again and it may take some time and that's not because I had the coffee. I will sleep regardless of it. I just have to get into the proper mindset to go to sleep again. I have to long for my bed and I'm not there yet. 

I am yawning, so that's a good sign. I have a tear rolling down my cheek. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning so hard that I have to be careful not to dislocate my jaw.

I can't take myself seriously right now and I feel that anything I write will be nonsense. That's because I don't want to write about anything serious. I want to leave all those subjects alone. I only want to write about things that don't matter, like about how good the coffee tastes and how good that glass of milk is going to taste that I'm going to have in a minute. 

I feel like having a banana split with a huge dollop of whipped cream on top. Real whipped cream, not the kind that comes from a can. Some ice cream would taste real good right now. Vanilla with real bits of vanilla bean in it. I will make myself happy with the cold milk instead. That's almost as good. 

It rained all day yesterday which made it cozy to be inside, but I did have to turn the lights on and I had the heater on too later in the day. I even wore warm clothes. My mood went from bad to worse and I slept all afternoon, which made me feel better. Sleep always restores me. It bans bad thoughts. 

I've got to go back to bed and sleep as long as I possibly can. I have to set some kind of record. I mustn't be fooled into getting up in a few hours. I must stay in bed and sleep. 

Have a good night.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I actually managed to sleep through the night. This in spite of the fact that I went to bed relatively early. I'm thoroughly amazed at myself and can't believe I did it, but it goes to show you that with a little bit of goodwill I can. I'm ever so grateful that I did because I needed a normal night's sleep. I haven't had one of those in a while. I'm ready to face the day now and I can't always say that when I wake up in the morning. Usually, I have to go back to bed.

The early birds are singing and it gives the morning a cheerful feeling. These birds are anticipating the sunrise which won't happen for another 45 minutes. There is rain in the forecast for this morning and it won't be very warm either, so I will have to wear some totally different clothes than I did yesterday when it was still sunny. That's okay, I don't mind raiding my closet. As a matter of fact, I enjoy doing it. There's always something there to wear that I'm in the mood for.

This morning my personal helper is going to be here and I saved the dishes especially for that occasion. I figured, we needed something to do together besides sit here and talk. It's better than doing the dishes on my own, anyway. I wish there were more jobs we could do together, but she's no help at all when it comes to hanging up the laundry which I need to do also. She hangs it up in the most impractical way.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, but I didn't get to see my SPN because she was sick. I got some relief from seeing my psychiatrist, but not the kind of relief I would have had if I had seen my SPN also. I can't say that I'm out of the woods yet. 

Actually, It's not a subject I want to discuss because I don't like the way it makes me feel, which is angry and frustrated. With myself, most likely. 

I hope you all have a good day.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Managing my life...

After going to bed at a not too indecent time last night, I did manage to sleep until a decent enough time this morning. I actually woke up because I had a terrible pain in my knee and was dreaming about furniture oil to oil my knee with. It hurt because of the way I had been sleeping with it: slightly bent and with my other leg on top of it. Once I got up out of bed, it was much better. I was not crippled and could use it normally. 

I don't know if I've had enough sleep, but I'll assume that I did and start the day accordingly. I've had my first cup of coffee and I've taken my medicines. The pills that are so necessary to my functioning well, especially lately. I still have to make a new pot of coffee because the coffee I drank was left over and heated up in the microwave. It was the easiest thing to do first thing when I got up. Yes, it's terrible, but I'll make a great pot of coffee next. 

Today, after two weeks, I'm finally seeing my psychiatrist and my SPN. It's been so very necessary that I talk to them and I've been unable to. That's been the hardest thing about all of this: to not have their feedback. There's been no phone or email contact or anything. I've had to invent the wheel on my own. It's been tough going and I hope not to be in that position again. To be without help from both of them at the same time. The timing was excruciatingly wrong.

Having just written that down, I'm already a bundle of nerves because I have to deal with the problems of the last two weeks. I don't know if I'm up to it. I would like to forget everything and start over from scratch, but of course I can't. Things must be dealt with. 

I would like to write something very cheerful now and get my thoughts off serious things. I can tell you that the sun is shining and that the sky is blue. I have to think about what to wear today. It has to be practical and good looking at the same time and not too warm to wear. Is that a feat or what? The possibilities are endless and it boggles my mind. It will take some pondering over. 

Right, I'll get the show on the road. 

Have a good day.


Monday, April 25, 2011

Keeping my sanity...

After having had a hypo-manic night, I plunged into the abyss this afternoon and started to feel suicidal. I thought I was going absolutely stark raving mad and didn't know at first what to do, but I felt pretty hopeless. I desperately wanted to reach out and call someone, but because it was a holiday, I didn't know who to call.

Then I realized that when I felt this way, I needed to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet and not a sedative, which would only make it worse. I went ahead and did that and crawled into bed and waited for it to work and when it started to, I fell asleep, which is probably the best thing that could have happened.

When I woke up, I felt ever so much better and it was time to take my normal dose of medicines. I'm waiting for those to start working now and I should be feeling pretty good in about ten minutes. I've also got a cup of coffee to help me get the last cobwebs of sleep out of my head.

I've got to be careful and make sure this doesn't repeat itself. Staying up all night was not a good idea. Especially not being so very active and changing all the scenery around. That was a bad idea when you consider that I don't deal well with changes. I'm still very uncomfortable with it now, but I'm not going to make any alterations again. I'll leave things the way they are. 

It sure is difficult being me sometimes. Well, a lot of times it is. It's a day job. Actually, I have to keep an eye on myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wish someone else would do it for me for a couple of weeks so I could have a break. It sure does get exhausting. 

I need to walk the dog. He's begging with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening.


On a sleepless night...

That's not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I'm up. I'm full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 

Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that's the kind of mood I'm in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I'm drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I've found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I'm taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It's like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 

Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don't have such complicated dreams. There's a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it's been a brilliant move on my part, but I'll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he'll be a party pooper about it. 

I'm wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It's impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 

Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn't nearly done yet. I'm only at the beginning of it. There's much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.

I hope you're all having a peaceful night too.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Fooling my brain....

I'm up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I've had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I'm in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That's how much I like cold milk. The fact that it's nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.

Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I'm planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It's such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 

I'm to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I'm making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don't quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it's the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 

I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It's pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I'll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That's when it tastes best. There's nothing worse than overheated coffee. I'm already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It's got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 

I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 
It's going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I'm more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I'm all that comfortable with. I'm not all that happy when it's too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don't mind when it's not all that hot. 

The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there's to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it's a big deal when they are canceled.

I'm not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It's for the best because I don't need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It's best when I don't have any around. To me it's just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It's an extra long weekend, that's nice. 

I will mess around with my blog templates next. I'm not quite happy with what I've got now and I have time to do something about them now. I'm full of caffeine, after all. 

I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Taking advantage of the mood...

If it hadn't been for the dog gently waking me up because he had to go out, I would still be asleep, I am convinced of it. Once I stood by the back door in the cool night air waiting for him to get done, I was awake and ready to stay up. I tried to go back to bed and fall asleep again, but I was unsuccessful. My brain was functioning and ready to do something active. 

The fact that the dog was on the bed also licking my face didn't help. He wanted me to get up and keep him company. He always wants a certain amount of attention in the middle of the night as if we have to re-bond again. He is a spoiled dog. He's used to my funny schedule and thinks that is normal and he wants me to stick to it. If I sleep too long, he becomes concerned and wakes me up. He's sound asleep on the coffee table now. 

I may as well take advantage of the good mood that I always have during the night and that seems to be so elusive during the day. It is only present in little chunks of time, but seems very hard to keep a hold of. I struggle most of the day and fight off the feeling of depression for a lot of it. I'm not really happy until the evening when the sun comes down and I feel that I can relax and put my pajamas on. I find life to be mostly a struggle of trying to stay balanced and being unable to.

At night I am relaxed and even tempered and I feel that I can be myself without any of the stress that I feel during the day. Obviously, I'm a nighttime person. It's mostly the fact that I have a dog that needs to be walked that forces me up and about during the day. I'd gladly spend a large time of the day in my lounge wear taking a nap whenever the mood struck me. That would be mostly when my mood became unbearable and I could not see the forest for the trees. 

I would very much like to take some medication during the day that would take the stress away that's almost constantly gnawing at me and that prevents me from functioning well. I'm getting tired of the struggle and don't want to do it anymore. There has to be an easier way. 

I think I will go back to bed now and get some more sleep. The worst part is that when I wake up, the day will have started. I'll have to arm myself against it. Somehow I have to make it through it and make the best of it, no matter the thoughts in my head. 


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Late in the evening...

I've already dozed in bed, really planning on going to sleep early, but it didn't quite work out that way. I guess I wasn't tired enough. I was  toasty warm, though. I had on my flannel pajamas and my socks, so no part of me was cold, because it was cool in the bedroom and beneath the duvet. The warmth of the near summer weather hasn't penetrated the bedroom yet and it is still a very cool location in the apartment.

I listened to the birds twitter their evening song and thought about having a CD of that and listening to it at will and how cheerful that would make me. Or their morning song, of course. I would listen to it at whatever time in the morning I woke up and start my day that way. I think that would be mighty pleasant. Of course, if I didn't sleep so soundly and turned off the radio, I might hear them for real, especially now that I have the bedroom window open again. 

The best place to hear them would be in the middle of a forest. That would be a joy. You forsake a lot by living in suburbia, except that there's the convenience of living close to the services you need. I don't feel that I'm in touch with nature, though. I feel far removed from it here in my stone and cement and asphalt world. The gardens and the greenery only provide some relief. I often wish I lived in the countryside, but because I have no car, it would be problematic for me. It would be hard to get around. 

You must accept your fate in life and accept the situation you're in and make the best of it. Especially if your means to change it are very limited. You can't have all sorts of fantasies that you can't make come true and frustrate yourself with them. You have to find a form of acceptance and the peace inside yourself to live with it. It means you have to face up to a huge amount of realism and come to grips with it. Maybe that's a lesson I should have learned earlier in my life, although I thought at one time that I had, but circumstances change beyond your control and you become undone. 

I don't want anything to come along to upset my equilibrium and maybe that's what the presence of my ex-husband did. That's why it's taking me such a long time to settle back into my normal life. Slowly but surely I am and I want to be left alone now. I don't want any more disturbance and upset. I have to fit back into my life like I did before and I don't want anyone to come along to make me doubt my choices or my satisfaction with them. It's all very tender and fragile and made up of gossamer threads.

It's time for me to be thinking about going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep well this time and not merely doze. At least I got some things off my mind, that's a relief. 

I hope you all had a good evening. 


Writing during the night...

It's a good thing that I wait with writing my posts until it is the middle of the night. If I were to write one during the day, it would be a very depressive one, because during the day I am in a depressed state of mind and not much good would come out of me. I would just bore you with doom and gloom stories, telling you how miserable I am and how I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. 

I'm in much better shape at night and can actually see the forest for the trees. Some load lifts off my shoulders and I can breathe easily until it is morning again.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time in bed, just laying there or dozing. It was pure escapism and I didn't answer the phone because I didn't feel like talking to anybody. This did not prevent a friend of mine to try to call me 8 times. Now, I know there was no emergency. This is just what she does when she can't get a hold of me. It makes me feel like a hunted animal. She will do it again today until I answer the phone, by which time I will be very irritated.

Anyway, during the day I'm in a terrible funk and it doesn't clear up until I've put my pajamas on and I go to bed at night. I lay there for a long while listening to the radio before I fall asleep, and have my glass of milk and a snack. Crackers and I share them with the dog. I know I will sleep a while before I get up again in a better mood, although what passes as a better mood is not nearly as good as what I'd like a good mood to be. I'm not jumping up and down with joy.

I think I'll choose the side of caution this week and accept that I'm in a depressed state of mind and act accordingly. That way I'll not make the expectations I have of myself too high and not have any big goals. I'll just aim for little achievements. Getting dressed and walking the dog will be one of them. Getting through the day safely and sanely will be important. However I decide to do that. I'll have to find the best possible way. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you're temporarily going to underachieve.

I suppose I'll get ready to go back to bed now. I'm not sure if there is any other kind of trouble that I can get into. 

Have a good night.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

With time and patience...

After the unfortunate reaction on my part after meeting my first ex-husband, I had a real good discussion about it with my personal helper on Monday morning and that seemed to have helped me a great deal. She pointed out the fact that I was a human being with very human feelings and that it was not so strange that I reacted to him the way I did. I have subsequently had a good blogging friend point out the same thing to me, and even illustrate it with a story of her own, so I feel much better now. 

I haven't had to take anymore extra medication and to me that is a good sign. It means I am more steady on my feet and more solidly held together. I'm not falling apart anymore, although I look back in horror at the time when I did and at anything that reminds me of it. Even the clothes that I wore. They all need to be washed before I will wear them again. I don't even want to wear the boots I was wearing. They will need to be banned for a while. 

I feel like doing something radical such as rearranging the bookcase, but I've managed to keep myself from doing that huge chore yet. I don't want to bite off more than I can chew and really need to set apart a time for that. For now I just want to be content that I feel more normal again and that I seem to be back in control of myself. The fact that this is so, fills me with joy and I feel as if I've escaped some sort of sentence. 

Of course, anything I say during the night mustn't be held against me and I don't want to be held accountable for it. During the night I am an eternal optimist and always see the glass more than half full. It's how I feel during the day that will really count, although it is strange that those feelings should be more legitimate. I'm alive during the night too, after all, and I sleep half the day.

I'm sitting here drinking cold milk now and getting a bit chilled from it, but it is ever so good for my thirst. I will go back to bed shortly because I'm tired enough to sleep some more. I'm sure I have no interesting things left to do here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 


Monday, April 18, 2011

Let's try that again...

It's late at night and I had started to write another post, but it was such a stressed one, that I deleted it and took an anti-psychotic tablet. I waited until it started to work before attempting to write this one. Hopefully, it will be mellow enough and serene so that I will be happy with it. I do dislike writing fraught and distressed posts. They're not good ways to get your point across, whatever that point may be. 

I've made myself some coffee and am trying to get as relaxed as possible. It's hard after these past days of inner turmoil, but I think I'm getting back on my feet again, although that may be the courage of the medicines speaking. I certainly don't feel 'normal.' I feel as though I've been in an accident and I'm still in full recovery from it. That's what a meeting with an ex-husband will do to you. 

I think it will take me some time to regain my balance and it's made worse by the knowledge that he will be in town again next month. I don't know how to deal with that yet. I have to recuperate from this first and discuss it with my SPN and talk to my psychiatrist about the use of the extra medication. I'm sure I need some good advice and feedback. This is not something that I can handle on my own.

In the meantime, I have to make the most of the night. I'm not as relaxed as I'd like to be and I feel an awful lot of pressure to go to bed, while there is really no rush to and I'm not sleepy yet. I would like to be carefree again, but it seems impossible right now. 

Sleep tight, all of you.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

While I'm at it...

Seeing as though I'm up still and completely calmed down by the extra anti-psychotic tablet I took, I'll take advantage of the quiet, peaceful feeling and write another post. My state of mind has improved tremendously since I've taken the tablet and I feel ever so much better and able to express myself in a much more normal way. I felt sort of flighty before and somewhat angst ridden, but that feeling is gone and now I feel tranquil. 

I think I do have to take advantage of every good moment and not spend it sleeping. There's time enough for that, as it is early in the night still and tomorrow is Sunday and nobody will be waiting for me to get up on time. Well, there usually isn't, is there? Not even on weekdays, come to think of it. I do have the luxury of sleeping late very often and I do take advantage of it, but I feel less guilty about it on the weekends. On the weekends, I'm my own mistress and I don't have to keep up appearances. 

I don't know who I'm keeping up appearances for, but I suppose it's for the neighbors, as I feel the social control is very high. I do always feel as though my every move is being watched and that much gossiping is going on. That's why I always dress with care when I go out, while sometimes I really don't want to give a hoot. I'm already the odd woman out, being a Hollander and not speaking the local language. Being a woman on my own is an extra disadvantage. 

Well, that's neither here nor there, you do get used to that and inside you don't notice it. I think that's why I like rainy days and everybody is inside minding their own business. There's a lot of freedom in being the only one out on the street. Of course, I do mind when It's raining cats and dogs. Even I can't handle that and don't venture outside, but an ordinary rainy day with showers is just fine, although I know there's still a lot of peeking through curtains going on. 

Hey, I don't want to discuss this subject at all, but it has to do with the loss of privacy and I guess that's high on my mind. It subconsciously puts pressure on you and causes a constant level of stress. It's what happens when you live in an overcrowded country. I would like to live someplace where there is lots of personal space and not so much social control. I wouldn't have such tight muscles in my neck and shoulders so often. 

I've been playing with my templates and I don't know if I'm done yet. I may experiment some more. I have nothing better to do at the moment. I'm not quite ready to go to bed. 

Sleep tight, all you people.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

After a perfectly nice day...

Yesterday, at the last minute, I decided to see my first ex-husband anyway and I am glad I did. After not seeing him for 6 years, I had forgotten what a delightful person he was and the monster I had created of him in my mind did not exist. Instead, he was an all American optimist, full of life and positivism and laughter. He was like a breath of fresh air and I think it was especially the American part that appealed to me so. It was so full of freedom. I was genuinely pleased to see him and he was genuinely pleased to see me. We got along well.

That is a good thing because his job is going to be bringing him to this part of the country regularly from now on and we will be seeing him again next month. I can only say that I am pleased about that.

I think it felt so comfortable because we have a shared past, much more so than I have with the Exfactor, and meeting each other seemed to clear the air on a lot of the complications of that. A lot of the load fell off my shoulders and things were much simpler than I had imagined they would be. They were very uncomplicated.

So, you learn a lesson every day. 

And he certainly stood in huge contrast to the Exfactor. There couldn't be two more different people. It's amazing that I married them both, while only one of them is really my type. 

Now I have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I'm not nearly done with that yet. 


Friday, April 15, 2011

Trying not to be too shallow...

It's the same setting as it usually is: the middle of the night and me in it with a cup of coffee and lots of silence. I wouldn't want to change anything about the formula, though it does become very repetitive as a description of my situation. I could just leave it out and not even describe it, but that does not seem right somehow. I do want to give you some idea of the circumstances I find myself writing under. I need it as a preamble to the rest of the story, although that is a very simple one. 

I spent a good deal of the day sleeping. I slept the whole morning after I went back to bed after being up half the night. I didn't get up until it was almost noon. I didn't feel bad about this and certainly didn't feel as if I had wasted half of the day. I like sleeping because I don't do enough of it at night, so whatever sleep I get in the morning is most welcome. 

I spent a long time drinking coffee before I felt I could function and get dressed and walk the dog. By that time, he was more than ready to go and his patience had worn thin. He had been out back for a piddle, but that's not the same thing as going for a walk. 

I dressed warm, because it was a cold and dreary day. I wore a double layer of clothes and my jacket and a scarf, although the last item may have een a bit overdone. I was very nice and warm anyway and not bothered in the least by the chilly wind. I had vowed not to feel cold anymore after the weather had been so beautiful, so I'm taking all these measures not to. 

Call me a spoiled Western European woman, but I don't want to be cold anymore after this winter and having felt the premature warmth of the early spring. So, when the sun didn't appear to warm up the living room through the windows, and the temperature in the apartment stayed low, I closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater even though I was also wearing my warm, woolly cardigan.

It continued to be a dreary day and later in the afternoon, being overcome by the need to hibernate, I went to bed and took a long nap. It was ever so warm and comfortable and when I got up, the apartment was a very pleasant temperature. 

I had a cup of coffee to clear the last of the sleep from my mind and ate most of a bowl of chicken soup with pasta and shared what was leftover with the dog. Later in the evening I had chocolate pudding and a tall glass of milk. 

I watched the news, which was not that uplifting as news nowadays isn't. A policeman had been shot dead with his own gun. There were wild west scenes as the gunman exchanged fire with other policemen and the gunman was wounded. Needless to say, the police will be the subject of much scrutiny. Isn't that always the way it goes. The gunman had earlier murdered a woman and was on the run. It sounds to me like he ought to be the subject of much scrutiny.

I tried to watch more television, but I really wanted to go to bed. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally just went. I laid in bed for a while listening to the radio before I turned the light off and pulled the duvet over me. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time and slept for 4 hours until I got up again.

Now I am getting sleepy again and I'm yawning. I will have to go back to bed. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time. I can't sleep until noon. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A safely started post...

I always start my posts safely and tell you that I'm sitting here peacefully with a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the middle of the night and that all is well. This is no exception to the rule. This is what I'll tell you. How close it is to the truth is another matter, but that's not something I want to get into at all, so I'll just keep everything very simple and only discuss things on the surface where they appear very tranquil. 

I've not posted for a couple of days because the subjects that have kept me occupied have not been things I've want to write about. They have been things I wanted to think about and ultimately discuss with my SPN, which I have done yesterday. At least it turned out I was on the right track and that I was thinking logically and coming to the right conclusions, so I'm rather proud of myself. It turns out that I can depend on myself to make the right decisions. 

I don't want to be enigmatic, but I also don't want to go into detail about the various subjects that I struggled with. Needless to say. I had a lot on my plate. I still have a lot on my plate, but at least I'm more clear on how to deal with it now. 

I don't know how much sense there is in blogging when you don't go into the details of what keeps you busy, but I suppose there are other things to talk about, although they seem rather frivolous in comparison. I've thought about not blogging at all, but then I thought that was too extreme a decision. I think that maybe I will post less often and not be so open about the things I write about. Some subjects are better left alone and are only for silent contemplation or discussion with the professionals. 

The weather has turned from beautiful to cold and rainy. Yesterday I had to wear double layers of clothing and my jacket and scarf. There was a cold wind blowing from the west. I didn't turn the heater on, however, and still have the bedroom window open on a crack. It's not too chilly inside and if I stay dressed warm enough, it is doable. I do wear extra warm pajamas when I go to bed and Tyke huddles close to me. At least his fur is long and curly enough again to keep him warmer. 

Everything is green and becoming colorful. There is hardly a bare tree to be found. Lots of trees have beautiful blossoms on them, pink and white. The tulips are blooming and so are many other bulb plants. The tulips are the prettiest and very varied. You see them in all sorts and colors. I suppose because I'm Dutch I would have to like tulips best.

Have a good day.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

The silence of midnight...

I've already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can't go back to sleep afterwards because I'm wide awake by the time I've done that and let the dog out back. There's no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I'm as alert as if I've slept for hours and I'm ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 

Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I've been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don't make empty noises. 

Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn't exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I'm trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.

Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That's worthy of a whole study in itself. It's a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I'm always pleasantly surprised when there's at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 

I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I'm all caught up. I don't know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog's eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 

I appreciate the fact that I don't have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 

It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don't happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won't yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn't going to mention it at all, but it's bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 

I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 
Sleep tight.


Friday, April 8, 2011

Catch up...

I had told myself that I couldn't spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn't counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 

I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I've eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It's very irritating and doesn't stop until I've gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 

It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don't mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can't during the day, or so I've told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.

I find that I'm much more relaxed during the day if I'm not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It's much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I'm not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That's my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn't need to be explained into the minutest detail.

I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that's something I'm going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It's worth the missing hours of sleep, which I'll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It's okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don't make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don't want them to think I have forsaken them. 

So, without much further ado, that's what I'll go do now. I hope you're all sound asleep or if not, that you're having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you're in. 


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Quickly done...

I've made myself a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind from the nap I just took. Hopefully it will perk me up soon or I will have to keep yawning. Naps are supposed to revitalize me, but very often I'm a bit of a wreck afterwards. There must be something appealing about them, though, otherwise I wouldn't keep taking them. Every so often I must be tired enough to need them.

I always feel like eating something when I wake up from my naps and I go look in the kitchen for something good. This time I had a package of crackers and I shared them with the dog because I couldn't finish them. The dog usually gets the last bit of any food I eat because I can't finish it. It's become a tradition. He sits by my side while I eat and waits for the leftovers.

Speaking of food, I remembered to go on the bathroom scale first thing this morning and I had lost a whole kilo. This despite the fact that I've been eating very well. It must be because I'm eating healthy and in small portions that I'm losing weight. I was not expecting it with the amount of medication I'm still taking. It's hard to lose weight with those medicines. 

I'm going to try and lose another 3 kilos. That's my next goal. Of course, I should ignore my weight now and not go on the scale anymore. That would be the best tactic. I hope I just forget to weigh myself first thing in the morning because anything after that isn't going to count.

The cup of coffee has worked its magic and the cobwebs are gone. I've also stopped yawning. It's almost time for the 6 o'clock new so I have to hurry up and finish this. It's turning into a little bitty post. 

I hope you're all having a good day.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Reclaiming my space...

I thought I would go to bed early, but it didn't work out. I laid there in the semi dark frustratingly awake, while I was willing myself to go to sleep. My head couldn't handle these two conflicting messages and became confused and then the dog started to bark. 

That's when I got up and turned on the computer. What else is there to do? I've also made a pot of coffee, of course. I will be up for a couple of hours.  I'm yawning and slightly sleepy headed, but in a very pleasant way. I'm mellow and good natured. My feet are slightly cold, but the rest of me is toasty warm in my bathrobe.

I have the heater turned off and the bedroom window open. I figure it's springtime now and that's how it should be, even at night. It took a while for me to get warm in my bed, especially my feet, but I was warm enough by the time I got up again. 

It was so early when I went to bed, that I heard the birds sing their evening song through the open window. It was a pleasure to listen to. There is one bird in particular that has quite a repertoire. I heard it last year too and in the morning, but was unable to identify it, even when I went to the site of European songbirds and listened to all the different songs. 

I did the dishes today and all the laundry, but unfortunately was unable to hang any of the laundry outside to dry because of the rain. I at least want to hang the sheets and pillow cases outside to dry because it such a pleasure to have them on my bed when I change it. I would change the bed even more often if the linens had been dried outside. 

The stack of dishes didn't turn out to be such a horrible job. I first soaked them in a sink with hot soapy water while I had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then I tackled them with a scrub sponge and got them sparkling clean. I rinsed them and let them air dry and then put them away when I was in the mood for it. I made it as easy on myself as I could.

I washed the blanket that is always on my bed and it is amazing what a difference it makes. The animals always sleep on it and after I have washed it, it always looks fresh and brightly colored again. I really do get some satisfaction for my efforts. I use a very ordinary washing powder that came out best in the tests and that the Exfactor gets for me especially at the store he shops at.

I walked the dog in the rain. It wasn't cold out and I decided that a little bit of water wasn't going to hurt us. It didn't come pouring down. We got a little damp and Tyke's fur got curlier. I wish I could say the same for my hair. It only got stiff from the hairspray in it. I didn't get any curls, much as I would like them. 

The  rain must have released all sorts of smells because Tyke took a long time sniffing in all sorts of spots and was very difficult to move along. He stuck his nose into the grass very deeply and inhaled and kept inhaling. I thought he was going to have dandelions and daisies stuck up his nose. 

Now will be a good time to sit in my armchair and read my book for a while until I get tired. I'm more than halfway through it and it's getting very interesting after we have gotten through all the preliminaries. The net is being tightened. The possible subjects are being lined up and there are many clues. I like the role Havers plays in all of this. She does good detective work. 

I hope you all have a good night.


It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 


Friday, April 1, 2011

Exist only here...

I'm existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I'm really not properly awake. I've decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don't want anything to come along and burst my bubble.

In order to make this feeling last, I've just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don't want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there... So help me God. 

My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn't told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven't had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.

When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister's house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to. 

I let my sister know last night that I didn't want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I'm so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn't have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I've always done. I've never had 'the' confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left

On top of everything, the 16th is our late son's birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don't need any extra stress on top of it.

Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won't it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.

Have a good day.