Monday, February 28, 2011


I've been grumpy since yesterday and I haven't been able to get over it yet, but then at one point I really stopped trying. I decided to accept that I was grumpy after I had unsuccessfully tried to change my mood. I came to the realization that grumpiness is a natural state of mind too and that I didn't necessarily need to get over it. It wasn't really bothering me all that much. It was going to bother other people more than me and I decided not to worry about that. I didn't need to be in a good mood for somebody else, after all. 

Today I've patiently endured the company of the people who were here and I was as polite as I could be, but I was glad when the last one pulled the front door closed behind her and I could be alone. I'd rather sit here and be grumpy by myself than in the company of someone else. When other people are around you have to act friendly and polite, which you are not at all in the mood for being. I only feel like being kind to the dog and the cat and I guess for now that makes me a misanthrope. 

I have no idea when I'm going to get over this grumpiness. Since I've decided not to let it bother me, I'm not going to hold my breath. It will disappear whenever it's ready to. Whenever what's bothering me has cleared up. It's not so bad to go through life grumpy. It gives you a whole new perspective on things. It makes you more cynical and honest and those are not bad things to be nowadays. It's better than walking around with that eternally cheerful outlook like some kind of Pollyanna. 

I think a sense of guilt motivates us to want to try and get into a better mood, but I don't feel guilty. I don't feel that I owe somebody a better mood. Luckily, I don't have to share my space with anyone, so I'm off the hook. It would be harder if I lived with someone and had to explain my attitude. I would have to be rude to the person I lived with. Now I can be kind to the dog and the cat and not worry about anyone else. 

I must watch the news and find out what's happening in Libya. It will make me grumpier probably. And the Oscars, oh god, the Oscars... 


Sunday, February 27, 2011

Pleasantly scented...

I just spritzed on some of my new perfume in order to be pleasantly scented. I figured there's nothing wrong with smelling nice in the middle of the night while I'm sitting here all by myself. I do it just for my own pleasure and nobody else's. I don't think Tyke and Gandhi care one way or the other. They are sound asleep and oblivious of how I smell. I'm very much aware of it and it puts me in the proper mood to write. It's made me more alert. 

I should have pleasantly scented candles burning all over the apartment to make the place smell good or constantly walk around with a can of Brise and spray that around. I should make a point to do that regularly and air out the place a lot too. Now that the temperatures are getting milder there's no excuse not to do that. I do open the bedroom window every day, but I should open several windows and get a draft going. That would be mighty chilling. 

My short hair is really short and I'm still surprised every time I look in the mirror. I try to put on my most friendly face when I look at myself and be as feminine as I can be. I am wearing pretty earrings so I don't look too butch. It's better if I view myself in the full length mirror and get a completer picture than when I just see my head. I'm super critical of only my head, but I figure people don't just see it when they see me. They see all of me. 

I've got a good outfit right now that's flattering and that makes me look skinny. I'm already thinking of the subsequent outfits that I can wear that will be equally good. This one spans the crown and I'm being very careful with it and try not to spill anything on it so it will last a while. The clothes smell of my perfume and when I put them on in the morning it is very pleasant. I'm still wearing my clothes in layers, but soon that won't be necessary anymore. I'm managing to stay warm, though, and I only need to wear my black leather jacket when I go out. 

Besides getting skinnier, my feet have shrunk too and I'm now a size smaller than I used to be, so I have to take that into account when I order new shoes or boots. I'm wearing thicker socks with my boots, but I'm running out of them. I don't have enough and am going to have to buy some more. Hopefully they'll have them at the supermarket and the Exfactor can pick some up for me the next time he is there. It's amazing what they sell at the supermarket, but it is very convenient. 

Yesterday went by quickly for a Saturday. I didn't do anything important, but the hours flew by. I do mostly manage to amuse myself and don't get bored with my own company. There's always Tyke to have a good time with and to take for a  walk. It was raining for the latter half of the day and it was very cozy inside. I had the lights turned on and watched television and took a nap. I forgot to hang up the laundry to dry and will have to do that today. It was a day on which one would bake cookies if there were people to eat them. Or to bake a cake. I'm not foolish enough to do that, because I would have to eat it all by myself and there's no way I could handle that.

It's been a successful day if I've managed to achieve serenity and a sense of peacefulness with myself. I do run into obstacles and it's a challenge to resolve those. I apply whatever magic formulas are necessary. I really should delve into the study of mindful living more, which is the westernized version of Buddhism. So far I do my own made up version of it and customize it to my needs, but I'm sure there's a lot I could learn. It might be useful to read some literature on it, although you do have to be careful with that as I'm sure there's a lot of nonsense out there. Probably everybody is an expert. I could be an expert. 

I'm going back to bed for my precious early morning hours of sleep. It's too early to start the day. The sun's not even up yet. It's Sunday and the world will wake up slowly. 

Have a good day.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

It's officially Saturday again...

Having gone to bed early last night, I'm up early this morning too and drinking coffee and having myself a splendid time. I can't get enough of the early morning hours when everything is so peaceable and serene and I am the only person awake on the block. At least I assume I am. I thought I heard some noise in the stairwell earlier, but all is quiet now. No doubt that was a neighbor coming home from a late night out. The bars don't close until the wee hours of the morning and there are those stubborn enough to take advantage of that. 

I slept well between clean sheets with both the animals on the bed. This does not leave that much room for me, but I manage. I do wake up with a sore knee, but I would regardless. It always takes me a while to get over it after I've gotten up and it takes some time to get comfortable. I think Tyke lies in waiting for me to open my eyes, because he is always looking at me when I do and ready to be greeted. Gandhi is tucked in beside my pillows and looks like a little ball of fur.She doesn't get up when we do, but keeps right on sleeping. 

The first thing I do when I walk into the living room is turn on the computer and then walk into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I try to measure the ground coffee properly into the filter so that I don't make it too strong and I succeeded today. It is just right and I was not too generous like I have a tendency to be. I very often over optimistically put in too much ground coffee and make it much too strong taking away from the good flavor of it. Strong coffee does wake me up, but it makes me thirsty too, causing me to have to drink cold milk for the quenching of it. 

When I first wake up, I always have visions of many good things to eat, but those disappear into the background once I've had my first cup of coffee. I could raid the cupboards when I first get up. I want to eat all sorts of decadent things, but I don't have those in the apartment anyway. Imagine if I had a box of cookies or bonbons. No doubt I would be tempted to eat those. I would be tempted to stuff my mouth with them before I had time to properly think about it. I do have a jar of Nutella and in a weak moment I have spoons full of that. Little teaspoons full. It's one of my deadly sins.

Since today is Saturday, it's going to be a day of freedom. I will walk Tyke several times and hang up a load of laundry, but I don't have much else to do. There are no 'ought to's' in my life today. There will be sports on television and then some inane programs that are not worth watching. Luckily there is an off button. The best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, which I have not taken the time to do and today would be the perfect opportunity. My armchair is a good place to hang out in. I will also take the necessary naps on the sofa and contemplate my navel. 

It's going to rain today and that will be a perfect opportunity to hibernate. I will have the lights turned on in the living room and be cozy. I do like the rain when I'm inside. There something very soothing about the rain when you're not in it. Besides, even if I were in it, it wouldn't hurt me very much, because I have indestructible hair. If it got wet, all I'd have to do is rub it quickly with a towel and it would be in shape again. It's not going to be very cold and we're in for some mild weather. I think winter is really over now.

Enjoying my own company is what it's going to be all about this weekend. Luckily, I'm in a good enough mood to do that. I don't feel any of the discomfort that I felt last week when I was not so stable. I've managed to get on an even keel since then. I'm okay again by myself.

I will go back to bed again shortly. There's lots of time to sleep still. I don't have to get the day started early. I can sleep late and my warm bed does call me. I've started to yawn and that is a sure sign that I need some more sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Friday, February 25, 2011

Time to start the day...

My eyes weren't working at all when I turned on the computer this morning and I had to almost immediately put on my glasses. It was some relief to be able to read again. I guess some mornings it takes your eyes a little longer to wake up. I rubbed them hard enough at first to try and get the sleep out of them, but that didn't work. I suppose morning exercises don't work for your eyes. 

Now I'm sitting here quite contentedly with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. The newspaper delivery person has just been by on his noisy scooter, disturbing the peace and quiet of the early morning. I'll pretend I didn't hear that and will rediscover my equilibrium. I mustn't let something like that upset the start of the day. 

My hair is almost completely in place this morning, except that it is sticking up funnily at one side of my head. It's where I slept on it. It will be easy to remedy. All I have to do is get it wet and rub it dry with a towel and it will be in place again. I will jump in the shower to do that and get squeaky clean.

That will give me the opportunity to choose some other clothes to wear, because I'm in the mood for something different. I always forget that I still have lots of things to choose from. There aren't only the clothes that have gotten too big on me. There are lots of other things that are made of stretch material and have elastic waist bands that still fit.

I ordered some new lingerie, including some pretty colored bras instead of just plain black or white ones. I plan to clean out my underwear drawer and throw out everything that doesn't fit me anymore or that is worn out. I also want to go to the discount store that's close by here and see what sort of interesting things they have on sale there. And I need socks.

I think I'm awake, but there's some doubt in my mind. I'm going to try and stay up and get the day started, but I still feel sleepy. I think it's because of the medicines I took an hour ago. I may have to go back to bed for a while. 
Have a nice day.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Back to normal...

It's early in the morning and I'm very pleasantly sitting here with my second cup of coffee by the light of the desk lamp and the computer monitor. I can take my time writing this, because I'm not going back to bed like I usually do. I have an appointment to see my hairdresser at 10 o'clock, so I will stay up. I will be too muddle headed if I go back to bed and try to get up on time the second time around. It would take numerous cups of coffee to get me into good enough shape and dressed and ready to go. 

I have been feeling good since yesterday afternoon and I can say with enough certainty that I'm back to normal. I reduced my anti-psychotics to the original dose, because the higher dose was making me feel moody and I'm in a much better frame of mind now. I suppose the higher dose was okay for a little while, but not to continue on. These things need to be carefully tuned. What works well one day doesn't work the next. My moods do change, after all. I don't stay euphoric or dysphoric for a long time. They are not endless cycles. 

The beginning of the day yesterday was only slightly pleasant, but it ended nicely as I started feeling better and Tyke got an extra walk when I got back to normal. That was a nice benefit for him and me. I did feel like being out there in the cold and breathing in the fresh evening air an extra time. 

I didn't get a heck of a lot accomplished, but I didn't worry about that. There wasn't that much to do that was pressing so I could take it easy. Today I will get caught up on whatever wasn't done yesterday. The laundry is dry and I can think about putting clean sheets on the bed again. 

Last night I stayed up and watched an Inspector Linley Mystery. I was very cozily sitting in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me and Gandhi on my lap. I do love English detective series and stay up late especially to watch them, even if it is past my bedtime. I ate a bowl of yogurt, though it wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was younger and the yogurt was so much thicker and creamier. Still, it was refreshing and filling enough.

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut. It will be nice to have manageable hair again. The Exfactor is also going to be here today for a cup of coffee. That and going to the hairdresser will be pleasant breaks in the day.

I don't really have that much to say this morning. I thought I was full of words, but it turns out not to be the case. Well, that will have to do then. 

Have a nice day.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

In the quiet moments...

I've slept a good long time this morning and took a while to wake up in my armchair with several cups of coffee. It was a pleasant time out. I petted Tyke and found my equilibrium. It wasn't actually too far away. 

I have a day off and not much on the program, which is fine with me, because I don't feel all that ambitious today. All I want to do is have my peace of mind and hold on to it as much as I can. I have it right now, so I'm in good shape and don't want to lose it. I'm going to prevent myself from doing anything to let it slip away.

The best thing to do, is do everything as calmly and quietly as possible without being in a rush. Every move has to be thought out as well as possible ahead of time. There's to be no stress in my day and I want to keep things simple and unhurried. 

I'll make it a nurturing day and pretend I am under the wool with a minor ailment. Actually, my knee is bothering me quite a bit, so I could use that as an excuse. I got up with it feeling quite sore and is hasn't gotten better yet.

I want to enjoy the day as much as I can, but do it in a very peaceful way without the least amount of stress. It's going to be a mental health day. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to have one of those and I think I am today. That's why I'm still in my bathrobe and I'm planning to be for a while. 

Wednesday is usually a day on which I don't have too many chores. Not too many dishes have accumulated and the laundry has been done. Things get busier again by Friday, but for now I have some time off. 

I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow. Yesterday I realized that my hair was too long and unmanageable. That seems to happen from one day to the other. You realize that you're spraying too much hairspray on it to keep it in place. It's a mess in the morning when I get up out of bed. There's not much shape to it and it looks quite funny. Flattened on one side and sticking up on the other. I look frightful. 

The sun is coming out and it's about time. It does make the world a little more cheerful. Things have been gray and gloomy. We're supposed to have a wintry shower this afternoon, that's how cold it is, but after that, the temperatures are going to improve. Hopefully, spring will be in the air from that point forward. 

Tyke wants to go for a walk, so I need to get dressed. It will be good to get some fresh air. 

Have a good day. 


Monday, February 21, 2011

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.


Whatever feels right...

I've slept enough and I feel that I'm ready to face the day. I don't feel any dread because today is Monday. I'm excited about it, as a matter of fact. Not that there is anything in particular to be excited about. Nothing special is going to happen, except that the sun is going to shine today, although it will be cold, but that's a small price to pay for sunshine. 

It's been so dreary lately that I'll more than welcome the sun. I've seen enough gray skies for a while, even if no rain falls out of them. Some rain would have been nice, there would have been a purpose to all the clouds that covered the sky, although it's a good thing that the wintry showers that were predicted for yesterday didn't materialize. Snow and rain would not have been welcome. It's a good thing that the predictions turn out wrong so often. 

I visited my sister yesterday and had two cappuccinos and two Italian cookies that made me burp even though I dunked them, which made them very easy to eat. It's very hard to indulge in something good. It's best done when on my own, but I never have cookies in the apartment, especially not Italian ones. It does make me eat very little of something sinful. I don't need to worry about gaining weight because I'm over indulging. 

It was cold on my bike and I wore a scarf and gloves. There was a cold wind blowing. I pedaled as quickly as I could to get out of the cold.  Luckily, because it was Sunday, there was not a lot of traffic and I could go fast and not worry about getting into an accident. I hardly hit the brakes. All that exercise is good for my knee and the more I use it, the less it hurts. It's when I sit and do nothing that it starts to bother me. 

My nephew had borrowed some English language novels from me to read for his English class and he had settled on Beloved from Toni Morrison, which I think is an excellent book to read. I hope he enjoys it as much as I did and that he gets a good grade on it. It was not the book that I thought he was going to choose. I thought it was going to be too difficult for him to read. I put it in the selection because I thought it was a challenge. He took me up on it.

Tyke was very happy to see me when I came home. He wagged his whole body and we had quite a welcoming ceremony. Poor Gandhi didn't stand a chance. She had to be greeted later when things had calmed down and she could sit on my lap. The animals aren't alone much because I'm not gone very often, so it's a big deal when I have been. They act like abandoned children. 

I think I will go do some chores. I didn't do much yesterday on account of it being Sunday. Things do accumulate. 

Have a nice day.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Make a story out of it...

I hope that the cup of coffee I'm drinking is quickly going to put me in a more cheerful mood. If not this one, then the one I'm going to drink after it. I am a bit down in the dumps and I've been trying in various ways to feel better, but they haven't made a difference yet. I wish I had a magic pill that I could take to cheer me up, but I know that such thing does not exist, although I used to think so. Now I'm counting on the coffee. 

I didn't start the day out too bad. I was a bit slow this morning and I took my time waking up in my armchair with several cups of coffee and my inevitable cigarettes. Once I had my head together after a long enough time, I took a shower and got dressed and walked Tyke. I seemed to function alright, but after that, I've been going downhill and my mood has not improved yet.

I did do the chores that needed to get done. I hadn't changed the bed last night like I had planned and I did that today and did a load of laundry. I've got a nice clean bed to look forward to tonight. That ought to cheer me up a bit, but that's nice for later when I've got my pajamas on. I've got to think about this moment and try to make a difference. I don't want to sit here like a bump on a log and be downhearted. I've got to find something to be a bit happy about right now. 

Maybe the last reduction of my anti-depressives has caught up with me and that is making me have a down day. Usually those reductions take a couple of days for your body to react to. The amount of medication in your body doesn't drop down to the new level until a few days after you've cut back. It's been four days since I reduced it. That could account for it and I may be okay again by tomorrow. There's no reason to get worried anyway. 

I heard somewhere that last night was a full moon. That would explain why I couldn't get to sleep right away. I never keep track of these things as I'm completely unaware of the moon in the night sky. I never know what phase it is in. I'm a typical city dweller when it comes to something like that. After the fact, I do always seem to be affected by the full moon and I should keep better track of it. It would explain my lunatic moments.

There's no sunshine today to cheer me up. It's completely overcast and cold. It isn't much fun to go for walks now and Tyke only gets short ones. We're expecting rain tonight and tomorrow we're even supposed to have wintry showers. I guess I was prematurely excited about the springtime. I am wearing cheerful clothes because of it. I thought I had to make the best of a gloomy day. 

The coffee hasn't helped much and I'm going to stop drinking it and switch to cold milk. I better stop having high expectations of today and strike this one up to experience. You can't have good days all the time. That would be too much to ask for. I suppose it's in human nature to have the odd day when things don't go all that great for whatever reason and I guess it keeps you humble in case you get a big head. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 


Postponing sleep...

I ought to be asleep by now and I laid in bed for a while, but I could not get to sleep. I was too restless and decided to get up again. It's better to sit here than to toss and turn in bed, listening to endless commentaries on football games that I'm not interested in. A little bit of that goes a long way and sometimes I just don't care enough. I do have my football intake limit.

I made some coffee to get over the grogginess and I'm having my second cup. This will not prevent me from falling asleep later on when I'm ready to go back to bed. It will merely prevent me from being grumpy as I sit here. It will re-establish my equilibrium. I'm somewhat thrown off course by being up. Normally I sleep a few hours before I get up. Now I have to do it cold turkey. It's like getting thrown into the deep end before you have your diploma. 

I will be alright in the shortest amount of time. I just have to find my rhythm and my chutzpah. I always have them close at hand. It's like playing the blues, you have to be ready to do it any time of the day or night. It just needs a little warm up. I'm not going to play the blues though, or anything like it. I'm not in that kind of mood. I'd have to feel melancholy for that and that's one thing I'm not. I'm too positively inclined. 

I'm always seeing the glass half full, even if it's darn near empty. Somehow it gets filled again. Call it karma or good luck, but something always works out. I've stopped being scared that it doesn't, although I do give it some thought and don't live carelessly. On the contrary, I live very carefully, always with one eye on tomorrow. It would be reckless to say that I live with abandon, because I don't. I lead a carefully orchestrated life and everything is done with a purpose. So is everything I don't do. That's to prevent me from making mistakes. 

I've switched to drinking cold milk and I'm still sufficiently sleepy. I ought to be able to go back to bed in a while. At least I don't feel restless anymore. Besides, it's the weekend and I can sleep late and take naps during the day tomorrow if I wish to. I usually have one screwed up night during the weekend, so I suppose that this is the one. It would have been better if I'd had a true purpose to get up on time in the morning. Then I would have tried to go to sleep harder.

Sleep tight!


Friday, February 18, 2011

The idle hours...

I'm spending the best hours of the night not asleep in my bed, but awake in my bathrobe and slippers, sat behind the computer in the living room with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. My new bottle of perfume was standing on the desk, so I've spritzed some on and now I smell delicious and the experience is extra special. I think I do owe it to myself to get the most out of it. I want all my senses to be aware, although what I'm most aware of is the silence and the darkness, but I do taste the very good coffee and the smoke of my cigarette as I inhale.

The night is my friend and the environment I feel most happy in for the couple of hours that I spend awake. It is the friendliest space to be in, although I am cut off from the night sky and the stars and whatever form the moon is in. The window shades are closed and I'm inside the cozy apartment by the light of a few lamps. I could go outside on the patio and observe the sky, but I'm not curious enough and unwilling to stand in the cold air. If I were a cave woman, I would know, but I've evolved into a modern city dweller who is out of touch with these things. 

My bathrobe and slippers keep me warm. I haven't yet turned up the thermostat. My bathrobe keeps getting bigger on me as I lose weight, but it's a very comfortable piece of clothing to wrap myself in. I need to remember to wash it every once in a while, but it's the only one I have and I'm loathe to do without it. Maybe it's a good idea to get another one for this coming spring. A more lightweight one that is a little easier to wear when the temperatures rise. I'm full of optimism, because the sky has been so blue, and the sun has been shining so brightly, that it's hard not to think that spring is on its way.

There's not one thing in my life that I would do differently than how I'm doing it right now. I'm perfectly contented. That sounds as if I have everything my heart desires, but it really means that I'm easily fulfilled. I've come to wish for one thing only and that is peace of mind and it is something I achieve with regularity. It seems that the less medicines I take, the more serenity I find and I wonder how much of my instability was chemically induced. I seem to be reaching the basic core of myself that's pretty solid and one I can depend on. That's a very self validating thing.

I've ordered a denim skirt on line that's two sizes smaller than the ones I have. It's going to be delivered this afternoon. I can't wait to try it on. I have lots of tops to wear with it, so that's no problem. It will be a good basic piece of clothing to own. I will order a few more skirts over time to replace the ones that are too big. That's the kind of shopping that's very satisfying. 

I wish you the best of days. 


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Moving along quietly...

I feel serenity as I sit here in the middle of the night behind the computer with a cup of coffee. It's a very pleasant feeling and I'm grateful for it. I feel it often enough to know that I can count on it and I sure appreciate its regular presence in my life. I often wished for it when I was younger and now that I'm older and wiser and appreciative, I'm glad that it's part of my daily life. 

I have long moments throughout the day and night that I'm struck by this feeling of serenity and contentment. I find myself blessed by it. I don't analyze it, but accept it for what it is, and that is the complete absence of aggravation and stress. Some things are attainable in the end and serenity is one of them. I hope that I will always find contentment in the sheer act of being alive. 

I find that I'm happiest in my own company and that the feeling of serenity is strongest when I'm all by myself. I do enjoy the time spent with other people, but it doesn't have to be long. An hour or so is more than enough. It's like getting your tank filled and cruising along down the road on your own and enjoying the scenery, though the scenery I see is all in my head and is made up of uncomplicated thoughts and images.

I do get pulled off my path by daily life as it happens with its minor complications, but I try to keep the chances of that happening to a minimum. My whole life is carefully tuned to avoid major obstacles. I find that the big ones are those that take place in my own head and I can realign them. Painful memories are the ones that come to mind immediately, but I've found a way to deal with them. I no longer get bogged down in them. 

It's been two days since the last reduction in my anti-depressives and I've had no adverse reactions yet, but then again, I wasn't expecting any. I do these reductions with a lot of optimism and with the assumption that all will be well. I do anticipate some possible reactions, but just assume that I will deal with them and so far there have been no really bad ones. 

Once in a while I think I feel something unpleasant and I'm somewhat on edge, but it is of a passing nature and something I get through and it is not serious enough to break my head over. I get over it by sitting in my armchair quietly and doing a bit of meditating while all around me it is silent. It is not too hard to get into this state of mind having enough experience with it now. 

At least my first reaction to an unpleasant feeling isn't to reach for a pill to make it go away. I have enough faith in myself to know it will pass on its own and that it's temporary as all feelings are. I can always aim for the higher goal of serenity and exist in that sphere. There's seldom a need to panic.

I think I will go back to bed. I'm sufficiently sleepy now. My bed is still the best place to be early in the morning. 

Have a good day all of you.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to spend the night...

I'm sitting here with a tall glass of cold milk and a cigarette. It is in the middle of the night, but I've already slept for a long time, because I went to bed early yesterday evening. Today is my day off. I can spend it as I wish, within reason, as long as I walk Tyke and do some of my chores. 

It's the kind of day that I look forward to. I do very much like leisurely days in which nothing important is on the schedule and no one is coming to visit me. That doesn't mean that I'm anti-social, because I also appreciate the days when someone does. I do like to keep these days finely balanced. A little bit of everything is perfect. 

The milk tastes great and is perking me right up. I had a cup of coffee, but for a change I wasn't in the mood for another cup. That's highly unusual. The milk is agreeing better with me than the coffee did and is waking up my brain. It must be the coldness of it. It's almost as good as having a cold dessert. In my case that would have to be something like an ice cream sundae with whipped cream on top. I haven't had one of those in ages, but I do have the memory of one.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries and I had him buy me three cartons of low fat yogurt. I'm all done eating vanilla pudding and I was in the mood for something completely different. I do like the slightly sour taste of plain yogurt. For lack of space in the bike bags, I didn't have him buy me any buttermilk, although I was in the mood for that too. Maybe I'll have him get me that the next time.  It's something I have been craving.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to not reduce my sleep medication right now because I had not been sleeping well. Sleeping well is so important and it is really detrimental to my well being if I don't. I don't function as well during the day if I haven't had a good night's sleep. That includes the hours that I sleep in the early morning after I go back to bed. I am reducing the anti-depressives some more and started that yesterday, but I'm not the least bit concerned about that. That will be fine. 

I also saw my SPN and we are now going to see each other once every two weeks, because it's not really necessary to see each other more often. We don't have that much to discuss. We will reduce the visits more as we go along.

I think that now I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not morning yet and I have some hours left before it will be. I'm yawning and more than ready to go back to sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 


Monday, February 14, 2011

But for the wickedness of me...

 Today is Valentine's Day, but I have no illusions and don't expect a pretty card in the mail from a secret admirer. I have no believe that such a person exists and I would be highly surprised if one came out of the woodworks. I sincerely hope one doesn't, because I wouldn't know what to do with him. He would upset my quiet and sedate life, even if he wished to stay anonymous. I would be afraid that he would feel the urge to make himself known and that would not make me happy. 

But all of you who are receiving Valentine's cards and are happy with them, please enjoy them to the fullest, and all the boxes of chocolates you're going to get with them too. Maybe some of you will get proposed to on this day and it will lead to the happiest day of your life. If so, I congratulate you in advance. The days of romance are all behind me and I've hung my harp in the willows. There are to be no heart shaped boxes for me, although I do love bonbons. 

I don't think that Valentine's Day is the enormous commercialized event in this country that it is in some other countries. That can still happen, of course. These traditions do blow over and cross borders. I'm sure if shopkeepers and department stores see a profit in it, they will make a big promotion out of it in the shortest amount of time. I haven't been downtown and I don't get any advertising in my mailbox, but it's possible that there are all sorts of sales going on there too. It's far from my bed and I'm not completely up to date. The ads on television haven't made me much wiser, but I think it's still relatively small scale here.

So I will not be eating any bonbons, which is a good thing, because I don't need to gain the extra weight and I can never just eat one of them. I wouldn't be satisfied until the whole box was empty and I was sick of them, especially if they were Belgian bonbons. They are not something I would ever buy for myself for that reason. That would be purely decadent and foolish. Maybe I would have them for my last meal, but that's a long way off and I may be over my craving for them by then. It's possible that when I'm an old lady, I will only like rusk toast with strawberry jam. 

All this talk about bonbons is making me hungry and I'm going to have to look in the refrigerator to see what there is to eat. I've just eaten the last spoonful of peanut butter and the Nutella is all gone. I'll have to eat something healthy, although I think peanut butter is in small doses. There's lots of protein in it. 

Have a happy Valentine's Day!


Sunday, February 13, 2011

At first do no harm...

I've had several cups of coffee and I feel sufficiently awake, but then I was the moment I opened up my eyes. Tyke was sitting pretty beside my bed looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I have no idea how long he had been sitting there. He wagged his tail when I looked at him. I petted him and he was happy. Then he went to sleep in the armchair while I made coffee. I guess he just anticipated that I would wake up soon. It's become such a ritual.

I'm not grumpy, because I didn't take the Valerian tablets and yesterday I felt good all day. It really did make a difference. Now, you are able to buy these tablets over the counter and unsuspecting people may do that and have a similar reaction as I did and not know what is happening to them. Buying over the counter medicines is not as innocent as it seems, because it can have all sorts of side effects. I would be very careful using them and really only take them on the advice of a doctor. Even then I would be very wary. 

I finally got a sport's gel for my knee and that is helping the joint pain quite a bit. I apply it twice a day in a thin layer that I rub in real well. I do feel relief for quite a while afterwards, although the pain doesn't completely disappear. It does feel better when I get up out of bed. Sleeping seems to be the most hurtful thing for my knee, but so does sitting down. When I straighten out my leg, it gets stuck and goes snap. I will keep applying the sport's gel until it gets better.

Every morning, my freshly washed hair is in a disarray. I sleep on my right side and that side of my hair gets kinky. No matter how much brushing I do, I can't get it to lie down in a proper shape. It really needs to be washed every day for it to look good. It's so fine and unmanageable. It's very straight too and it doesn't have much bounce. I would love to have some body and volume to my hair but I am not that lucky. I think I need to use a creme rinse and will have to invest in a bottle and see if that makes a difference. I will have to go to the drugstore and see what's available to match the shampoo I'm using.

I had changed the bed yesterday and last night I slept under freshly laundered sheets. They smelt very good when I got in bed, That truly is a pleasure. I especially like the newly washed pillow cases. It didn't take me long to fall sleep. I listened to the football outcomes of the different games that had been played. I'm really starting to enjoy that and am getting to know the players of the different clubs better. There had also been speed skating races and one of our women had done well. Those are the commentaries I went to sleep with.

I ate a whole piece of Port Salut cheese last night. It's a very soft and tasty cheese and it goes down easy. The Exfactor had bought it for me because he knows how much I like it. It's a special treat. It's really the kind of cheese you serve at parties with crackers, but I ate it just as it was. It's a young cheese and easy to digest. An aged cheese is harder for me to handle. I've stopped eating Brie and Camembert. I had those so often that I grew tired of them. I do go through phases that I like certain kinds of foods and eat them until I'm sick of them. 

I just went through a period that I liked vanilla pudding very much, but I'm coming to the end of that and I think I will switch to yogurt now. Just plain yogurt without a flavor. I also feel like drinking buttermilk. That's very thirst quenching because of it's sour taste. I've always liked it and I make mean buttermilk pancakes, though I doubt I will be making them. I wouldn't have enough room in my stomach for them. I'm totally over my like for Cup A Soups after having eaten those a lot. They're too salty anyway and not all that nutritious. 

I'm still taking my vitamin pill every day and it's not hard to remember to do this. All I have to think about is the fact that I want to stay healthy and I reach for that bottle quick enough. At one point, I want to have my blood checked for a vitamin or mineral deficiency, but I want to do that after I've been taking the vitamins for a while.

I'm going to get a glass of cold milk and find another way to amuse myself that's not too damaging. My psychiatrist said to let him know if I was not sleeping well enough. I will see him on Tuesday and I will know by that time how well I am doing. Right now I'm wide awake, but I don't know what will happen the rest of the day. I haven't had much sleep yet, but I may catch up on that. 

Have a great day all of you.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

In the long run...

I slept a record time of ten hours last night. I did get up twice to go to the toilet, but both times I went back to sleep immediately. I'm mighty proud of myself because I did it without the aid of the Valerian tablets. I decided not to take those anymore because I thought they were making me feel grumpy during the day. I was grumpy for as many days as I took them and the link seemed obvious. 

Actually, yesterday I thought I was starting to feel depressed and I sure as heck didn't want that. I could only assume that it was because of the Valerian tablets because that was the one major change there had been in my life. I felt quite bad and was worried about myself, but realized what the cause might be and decided to not to start to despair. I just had to be patient for a while and get a good night's sleep. I feel ever so much better this morning and that's something to be thankful for.

Now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee on a gray Saturday morning, but I don't mind one bit. It may rain later on, but that's okay. As long as my mood is good it doesn't matter. I'm happy about the fact that it is Saturday and a day to do nothing much important on. Of course, I will walk the dog and do some chores, but I will do them in my own leisurely way. There's no pressure to get anything done at a certain time, except that Tyke does know how to tell time and knows when I need to take him for a walk. He's a smart dog. 

I have a vague idea of what the day is going to look like. I'm going to change the bed for one thing and do a load of laundry. As always, I have to clean up the kitchen and also put the clean laundry away. I'm going to try and sit down in my armchair and read my book, but I'll probably daydream instead. I should probably call it meditating and contemplating my navel. I'll also watch the latest developments in Egypt on television.

First I'll go and walk Tyke. He's had his breakfast and is more than ready to go. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Just make another pot of coffee...

I've just walked Tyke and the weather isn't nearly as lovely as it has been for the past couple of days. We had lots of sunshine, but now the sky is overcast and gray and they say it's going to rain this afternoon. It's chillier outside too and my short leather jacket was really not that warm to wear, but I refuse to put on my thick winter coat. I'm going to be the eternal optimist and pretend that springtime is coming. 

I want to put that winter coat away for the season and not wear it again. If I stubbornly wear my leather jacket, it's bound to get nicer outside just because I want it to be. I can always put on my thick warm scarf and be protected that way. I want to fool Mother Nature into thinking that she doesn't need to set free any more frost and cold wind on us. A little bit of rain is alright, that doesn't bother me. 

It's funny how quickly you get used to warm sunshine and daisies in the grass. You feel that this ought to be the weather from now on. It's very upsetting when the temperatures dip down again and the cold wind starts to blow. Well, it's relatively cold. It's uncomfortable anyway compared to what you had just got used to. 

I was feeling grumpy earlier this morning and I'm not sure if I completely got over it. I've decided not to worry about and to pay it as little mind as I can. I'm not going to do anything to give reason to let it come to the surface. I'm going to lie low. I will treat it with coffee and cigarettes and vanilla pudding. Those are the best things I can think of. I will only do pleasant things and I will decide what those are. They may include a chore or two. I'm not completely irresponsible.

I'm yawning even though I got enough sleep. I hope I don't have to take a nap on the sofa. Not that I'd mind that all that much. It is nice and warm in here and I can put the yellow fleece blanket over me. I really wanted to watch the news and read my book for a while before I did anything else. It's well written and worth the effort, because it is an effort for me to read a book. I don't do it as easily as I used to. I really have to plan it into my day. 

I'm going to proceed with the rest of the day. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied and entertained. Tyke and Gandhi need some attention and I need to fold the dry laundry.

I hope you'll all have a good day!


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Go on, make me happy...

I just got back from seeing my SPN and my psychiatrist. I also stopped by the pharmacy. They were all lightening visits and I was done everywhere in the shortest amount of time, because everything was so uncomplicated. Isn't that nice? 

I had to get a letter to reapply for the personal helper for another year from my SPN and she had that done in no time. I hardly had to help her with it and was actually joking around and telling her to put in all sorts of nonsense. She just ignored me and I told her that that was the best thing she could do. I could not be held responsible for the contents of that letter, because I'm not that concerned about getting the reapplication approved. It either will be or not, I leave that up to fate. I do appreciate the effort she put into the letter and I will give it to my personal helper on Monday so she can fill out the rest of the paperwork.

My psychiatrist wanted to know how much weight I had lost when I saw him and it pleased me that it was that obvious. I told him that it was due to reducing the medicines and not because I was eating less, because he was concerned about that. I had to reassure him that yes, I was eating enough. He also wanted to make sure that I was absolutely doing alright and that I was not in any way hypo-manic and I tried to reassure him in the best possible way that I wasn't without sounding like I was. Sometimes it is a little bit difficult to prove that you're normal. You start to sound a little mad while you do. 

He wants me to get off the medication that I take to go to sleep at night and I have to start reducing it today. Instead of taking that, he wants me to try herbal medicine and I've picked up those tablets from the pharmacy this afternoon. It is proven that they work and I'm going to try them for a week. If I have luck with them, I'll keep using them. I have no reason to doubt their usefulness and I'm sure they'll work fine. I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight and trying them out. 

In the meantime, I've taken Tyke for a walk, because he was begging to go out. It was time for him to go according to the schedule. He had that right.  It is dark outside now, but today was a beautiful sunny day and I only needed to wear my short leather jacket and no scarf. It felt like springtime a little bit. The snowdrops are out everywhere and today I saw daisies in the fields. That was a nice surprise and it made me feel hopeful. With enough sunshine things will start popping out of the ground. 

I've missed watching the six o'clock news, but I'm going to sit in my armchair now and read my book until the eight o'clock news comes on. That will be a good and quiet way to pass the time. 

Have a good evening you all. 


Monday, February 7, 2011

Don't listen to the blues...

I'm unable to sleep, though I slept for two hours, but that's not very much in the scheme of things. I knew ahead of time that I wasn't going to be very successful when I went to bed last night. I wasn't tired enough and the only thing that put me to sleep was my 'falling asleep' pill. When it stopped working, I was wide awake again. There was nothing for me to do but to get up and install myself behind the computer and try again later. I really need a 'sleep through the night' pill, but I'm afraid I would get hooked on it and that would mean another medicine to wean myself off. Besides, I'm sure it would leave me very groggy in the mornings and that's not what I want to be.

I'll have to find ways to amuse myself while I'm up, though I think finding blog templates is not one of them. I think I've changed those often enough and I've changed the names of my blogs often enough too. I'll have to think of something else to do. I can't imagine yet what that will be and that leaves me feeling somewhat desperate. I'll have to pretend that I have a plan to proceed with.

I could sit in my armchair and read my newly started novel, but sitting behind the computer is ever so much more exciting. Things move at a speed that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a 21st century person. Reading a book seems boring in comparison. It seems like such a passive activity. There's not much activity, except for turning the pages. Oh, and using your imagination, of course.

Being up does give me the opportunity to take an Omega 3 capsule which I didn't take enough of yesterday. I'm fine with the vitamin pill, but I sometimes forget the Omega 3. I'm sure it doesn't matter when I take them, as long as I do. I want to say that I feel better since I started taking the vitamin pills, but I'm sure it's all in my imagination. I don't think I can feel an effect after just a few days. I wish there was a 'healthy brain' pill. If there is, I'm unaware of it. I'm sure you'll point it out to me if you know of one. 

I have to share my space today with the personal helper and the domestic help, both of whom I have mixed feelings about losing my privacy to. I have so enjoyed being on my own these past two days and have not been bored at all. It will be nice to get the apartment cleaned, but it isn't very dirty at all. It hasn't had the chance to become so. My personal helper will have to be entertained and I will send her away early if that turns out to be too much of a chore, unless she can be of some service to me. I have no jobs to do with her. We can walk Tyke together, though I can easily do that on my own. 

I will answer my emails and then go back to bed and try and fall asleep. I am starting to yawn now. 

I hope you're all sleeping tight and that you'll have a good morning. 


Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Saturday interruption...

While it was really my intention to get dressed and do some chores, I've decided to drink some coffee and sit behind the computer for a while instead. I just got up and don't quite feel like moving around yet. I've just fed the animals and now Tyke is on his perch on the dining table looking out the living room window, watching the wind blow dried leaves down the street. He will be amused by that for a while. It's dog television.

I'm drinking some coffee and am thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of the day and what is most important. There are some jobs that are pressing and I'm going to try and get those done today so I won't have to think about them anymore. They keep nagging me at the back of my mind and that's not fun. I never feel that I can quite relax until they get done. Call it my sense of responsibility. I must get them over and done with before I can sit down and start reading a new book. 

I finished reading Laurie Hertzel's book that's in my sidebar and that I can heartily recommend. Her description of her trip to Soviet Russia and her discovery of the Finnish Americans there was especially interesting.

It does mean that I have to look through the unread novels on my bookcase and find a good one to read. I've just gone through a period during which I didn't read much and whatever novel I choose, has to grab my attention well. I want to sit in my armchair and really install myself and spend some hours reading and not feel distracted by anything. I want to have the kind of book that I can get lost in.

I must get dressed and go out in the windy weather and walk Tyke. He is begging to go out. I will do my chores afterwards. It will feel good to get them done and spend the rest of the day easily. 

I hope you'll all have a good day!


Friday, February 4, 2011


It's storming outside, making it feel cold inside too while it really isn't. It just makes you feel that way. The wind is noisily blowing down the street. I feel chilled even with my warm bathrobe on. It sounds like an autumn storm in February. At least it's not nearly cold enough to freeze, so that's a blessing. We do have to keep looking at the  positive side of things. It just as easily could be cold and snowing now, because it is the time of year for it and last year it did.

For a change I slept through the night while I dreamed many interesting dreams and woke up a couple of times in a sweat, but went back to sleep again immediately. I was very busy during the night, you might say. I even attempted to speak Spanish, but it came out as French. I never did learn enough Spanish to get around well, not even in my dreams. I keep dreaming about my first ex-husband who then proceeds to have pity parties and tries to make me feel guilty and do things I don't want to do. I do resist him and stick to my guns. I don't like dreaming about him and wonder why I still do. I must have some unfinished business with him. 

I'm having my cups of coffee now and very welcome they are too. I was fully awake when I got up, but I do need my coffee to really start functioning. I think I've had enough now and that I will switch to cold milk, because I'm thirsty.I would drink lemonade or juice if they would agree with my stomach better. Milk seems to settle the best, but everything makes me burp. That's because in my eagerness to quench my thirst, I drink it quickly. 

I always wake up with a very sore knee, but once I get up and start moving around, it gets better. It's when I sit in one position too long that it starts to bother me. Especially sleeping seems to be the worst thing for it. I sleep on my side and must lie in a way that hurts my knee the most. I don't get the feeling that it's getting better, but I suppose that I have to be patient. I am a middle aged lady, after all, and things may take longer to heal.

I ended up not going to my psychiatrist yesterday, because my appointment was for in the evening and I didn't feel like going out in the dark and cold weather. I canceled it and made a new appointment for next week during the day. That means I'm staying on these doses of medicines for now. That's okay. There's no need to rush the reductions. I just now feel that I'm at ease with the latest reduction, because I was a little bit wobbly every once in a while, although I wasn't sure it was because of that. It could have been because of anything. It's better to wait a while and to be sure of myself.

I went to my sister yesterday afternoon and had espressos and Italian cookies. The espressos always perk me up wonderfully and I don't need coffee for the rest of the day. The cookies were good, they were made of whole wheat flour  and only my gastric band prevented me from eating more than two of them. Which reminds me that I forgot to go on the bathroom scale this morning. Apparently I'm not clearheaded enough to think of that. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and so is the domestic help. I will have to clean up the kitchen and change my bed before that time. Another load of laundry is just what I need. At least I feel awake enough to tackle that. 

Here's hoping you'll all have a good day!


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

No, I haven't...

I haven't nearly had enough sleep, because Tyke woke me up barking twice for no reason that I could figure out. I had to get him quiet immediately and spent some time entertaining him, which woke me up almost completely, but I wasn't ready to be awake. I did get up eventually, instead of lying there in the dark, and went on the bathroom scale where I saw that I had lost another kilo. 

That almost got me over my grouchiness and I figured a cup of coffee would do the rest. I'm attempting now to be in a good mood, but I'm not quite there yet. It's going to take at least another cup of coffee and maybe a nap on the sofa. People shouldn't get up at ungodly hours and have to start the day. Nothing good will come of it. I think I need a can of Red Bull. 

I feel like doing nothing but complain about the early hour of the day and I wonder how people do it every day who have to go to a job. Do they get up cheerfully and shower and get dressed and get out of the house on time? How do they do that? They must need their requisite cups of coffee to get them kick started. They have to decide what to wear and put on their clothes in the right order, all the while under pressure to be somewhere on time. 

I also have to complain about my knee. It is bothering me and I'm not a happy camper. It is better if I walk around on it, but as soon as I come to rest, it starts to hurt, no matter what position I have it in. It's very wearisome and I'd like to be rid of my knee and have another one. A brand new twenty year old knee, even if it doesn't match the rest of me. I could be like the bionic woman and have new parts. 

I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and am starting to feel some semblance of normality. I've stopped yawning, which is good, because my jaw threatened to get stuck. Leave it to coffee to help me start to feel better. I'm drinking it with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It's not all that horrible and it's better than drinking it black. I used to drink my coffee black when I was very stoic. I don't remember when I started taking milk in it again, but couldn't do without it now. There is a limit to how much I want to deprive myself. I do deprive myself of a lot of things already. I've had a hunkering for a meatball for a week, for instance, but I won't eat it. 

I suppose I have to decide what I'm going to do now. I think I will get dressed and watch the repeats of the news and see if I'm truly awake. If not, I'll go lie down on the sofa. The Exfactor is supposed to come over this morning to do the groceries and I'll have to get a shopping list ready. I do feel tired still and really not ready to start the day. I want to rest my knee too. It's protesting wildly. 

Have a good morning!