The best is yet to come...

I want to wite as normal a post as possible without trying to reflect a state of mind that doesn't exist. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure of my state of mind at the moment because I may be the slightest bit on the loopy side. That is not because of my sleep medication because I'm not under the influence of it anymore. I feel a little giddy all on my own and can't take things quite as serious as I should right now. 

Of course, it's not necessary that I do. I think I'm serious enough most of the time so that it's okay to lighten up a bit. I'd like to lighten up a lot as a matter of fact. That would really reflect my most inner state of mind. The place where my joyful child waits impatiently to be let out. I will set her free and give her the upper hand. 

I had many joyful moments throughout the day that were about nothing important at all. They were joyful because they were free of stress and worry and I could indulge myself simply in enjoying being alive in the moment. Nothingness is a great bliss. You shouldn't strive for the presence of some things, you should strive for the absence of other things. Subtraction is the greatest skill. 

Look at me suddenly taking on a serious tone while I had not planned on that. I think that must be because I've stopped drinking coffee and have switched to cold milk. It does have a tendecy to interfere with the workings of my frontal lobes. I should have poured myself a stiff drink in order to lower my boundaries and let my sense of humor speak better. I don't know how well frozen frontal lobes are going to help me in being giddy. 

I do hope I wake up in all peacefulness in the morning and set the standard for the day. It would be wonderful to have many more joyful moments in which to contemplate my navel and be free of stress and worry. 

I need to take my joyful self back to bed and finish sleeping. I am yawning now and it's because of the gosh darned milk. No, it's really because of the law of nature and people need to be asleep in the middle of the night. I'm no different than anybody else.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Irene

Before I take a nap...

I don't even know if I'm going to take a nap yet. It may be one way to get through a seemingly long and boring afternoon. I've already had a busy morning and there's nothing on the program for the rest of the day. I did get up early this morning before the sun had even gotten up properly. It was good to get an early start and walk the dog first thing once I was awake good and well. 

It was very cold this morning having gotten down to freezing during the night. Even in my winter coat I was not warm enough. There's a blustery wind blowing from the south, which is at least warmer than one blowing from the north. As usual, I can't get warm enough and am chilled down to my bones. I'm drinking hot coffee to get a little warmer but it hardly seems to help. I'm probably not carrying enough fat.

The Exfactor showed up first and was a welcome sight. I actually didn't need that many groceries but it was good to see his friendly face. He told me all about his long and cold weekend and his adventures on his motorcycle and all I could think was that I was glad that I wasn't on the back of it. I prefer comfort and warmth. Like sitting in a cozy car with the heater turned on. 

I made a short shopping list and asked him to be on the look out for a coffeemaker because I'm starting to long for real cups of coffee now. The Exfactor is usually in and out so many stores during the week that he is bound to run into one. The groceries were quickly done but I do have to eat one of the Greek yoghurts soon because the Exfactor accidentally poked his finger through the lid of one of them. That will be my mission for today then. 

My personal helper showed up next and we had a good time chatting about everything under the sun. She tells me many things she's not supposed to tell me and I have a good time listening to all her stories. Sometimes I fall out of my chair in amazement. I laugh at the ridiculousness of management and the silliness of bureaucracy. You wouldn't believe how bad it gets. I tell her that sometimes it sounds like she's in a very badly directed film. 

I've walked the dog for the second time and picked up the apartment. I have no laundry to do and no dishes to wash. I can't think of a thing to do. I've washed my hair and got it to look properly tousled again which was a bit of a job because it was so squeaky clean. I did have to put a lot of hairspray on it but now even this blustery wind can't destroy it. The only thing that would is a hurricane and I don't think we're about to have one. 

I've changed my clothes because I was too cold and because what I was wearing was tight and made my stomach stick out too much. I looked like I was several months pregnant and I'm too old for that. I can't get away with it. I'm wearing something a little more forgiving now. I have to remember to get more tops like this. I can't go around constantly holding in my stomach. I'm bound to forget and look silly. 

I've got to look for something to keep me occupied. How does a middle aged woman stay out of trouble? I can think of ways to get into trouble but they may not all be socially acceptable. 

Ciao,

Irene

Madly relaxing...

I had to make myself some coffee instead of taking a nap because I didn't want to go to sleep at this time of the afternoon. I want to save my tiredness for tonight when I want to do as much sleeping as possible in my new bedroom. I still have to get a little used to sleeping there, although this morning I woke up quite assured and didn't feel at all uncomfortable. All my familiar things were around me and the animals were there also. 

Just now I was yawning something awful and I had run completely out of steam, but the coffee is giving me my second wind. I knew it would help me if I just got the energy together to make a pot. I had to motivate myself to go into the kitchen to do it. That's how bad a shape I was in. Luckily, there was enough coffee left in the jar and I didn't have to open a new package because that would have been too much work. 

I got brave and put together the bed for the guest room. It was quite a job and it was more work than I had anticipated. It is a metal bed and looks like an old fashioned iron one. It was quite heavy to handle on my own. The dog helped me and I think he took off with some nuts and bolts. The second page of the instructions was missing so I had to figure out the final part myself. Using logic I think I managed quite well. It seems to be pretty solid. 

I thought about putting together the dresser as well, but I had really run out of steam and enthusiasm. The flatpacks that it came in were quite heavy and hard to move around. I felt discouraged and decided not to do it and maybe save it for tomorrow. Another problem is that I've now got all this packing material and I don't immediately know what to do with it. 

I felt my headache come back and didn't want to push my luck. The anti-inflammatory medicine for it works well, but I don't think I'm supposed to do these sort of actions. I'm a stubborn woman and get myself into trouble. Luckily, I was smart enough to stop on time and to not push myself to the edge. I did have to switch gears and tell myself to take it easy for the rest of the day. There's nothing like giving yourself wise advise when there's nobody else around to do it. 

The dog was very loveable when I sat down and took a breather. He kept putting his paw on my hand so I would pet him and he couldn't get close enough to me. He moaned and sighed in ecstacy. I suppose we needed to bond again after I had been so busy and pre-occupied. He is a sweet animal and oh so attached to me. 

The cat likes the new bedroom and spends all her time sleeping on the pillows of my bed. It's like to her there's never been a better place to lie down. It is nice that the door to the patio is right there. She can exit in the shortest amount of time. She slept on top of my head during the night. 

I've got vanilla ice cream and after eating enough to fill me, I was really done with it and haven't had anymore. This is really surprising because I thought I would finish it in a hurry. It wasn't as good as I remembered it. It wasn't the satisfying experience that I hoped it would be. Maybe it would be a lot more fun to have a big sundae in the ice cream parlor. I think I will save my ice cream moments for that. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Oh, what the heck...

I've got to remember not to get all serious while I sit here and write this. I've got to keep it as lighthearted as I can. It is, after all, Saturday and a day off and not the kind of day to be serious about anything at all. There's simply no need for it. 

Outside there's a cold wind blowing and it's making me have second thoughts about taking the dog out in a while. I don't remember there being mention of cold wind in the forecast. I wish they'd check these things with me beforehand. I do dislike unreliable weather forecasting.

I am enjoying the freshly made coffee very much and it's making my mind blossom. I'm working on my first cup, so there's room for improvement still. The second one should do wonders. That's before I've even had my medicines. Just imagine what's going to happen then. A whole metamorphosis will take place. 

I've taken a nap and woke up with the dog in my arms. He slobbered my face when I opened my eyes. That was his way of kindly greeting me. I do appreciate the gesture and slobber does dry up quickly if it's not too wet. You've got to look at everything from an optimistic point of view. That includes wet kisses from a dog. 

Mind you, I've never liked wet kisses from the human male sort of variety. Those were the kind that always turned me off immediately. No one who kissed like that ever got any further with me. I am very discriminate when it comes to kissing. I'd rather have the dog kiss me than getting slobbered on by just any old body. Or a young one, for that matter. 

I'm getting sidetracked. Said dog is now standing beside me with a very urgent look on his face. I think I've got to brave the cold wind and take him out. I will wear my warmest coat. It is the end of November, after all. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In which I turn into a pumpkin...

Here I am sitting in my bathrobe with my new glasses on, being able to see and read everything. Things are a revelation to me. I never knew what it was like to see so well up close and far away. 

That doesn't mean I'm not about to topple out of this chair from sleepiness, the coffee not withstanding. I'm forcing myself to be awake just so I get to wear my glasses and try them out. It's such a shame to put them away in their case for the night.

No doubt I will get used to this novelty and soon I will be going to sleep again like regular people. In the meantime, I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling very mellow. I will probably fall asleep in this chair behind the computer. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. A little nap wouldn't hurt. 

The caffeine is resuscitating me a little bit and I'm not in as bad a shape as when I turned the computer on. I was near comatose then. I could hardly lift an arm. The coffee barely made it to my lips, but I'm working on my second cup now. I'm finding some strength in it. 

This is all due to the fact that I had a fairly busy day by my standards and that I hardly slept the night before it. Going downtown by myself to pick up my glasses was kind of a big deal, although I seemed to do it effortlessly. I did worry about it beforehand and no doubt that is why I slept so badly. 

Seemingly little things like that can still bother me a lot. But I'm brave in spite of myself when the stakes are high enough. 

I haven't turned into a pumpkin yet and I doubt very much that I'm going to now. The magic hour has passed without it happening. I'm still just an ordinary mortal with a sleep filled mind, but I think I will be up for a while yet. I'm not ready to go to bed. 

It seems like a very boring place to be right now. I must be getting my second wind. Doubtlessly, the coffee is beginning to do its work.

I must find some entertaining ways in which to amuse myself. I think there are some blogs that I have to comment on. I'm awake enough now to be able to do that. I do have the benefit that in the morning it will be Saturday and a day on which I can do what I choose to do. 

Ciao,

Nora

Waiting for the dawn...

I went on the bathroom scale just now and much to my surprise, I had lost two kilos. I was not expecting that and almost made a little jump of happiness. I was standing on the scale at the time, so it's a good thing that I didn't because surely I would have broken it. 

I now have to lose 900 grams to reach my goal, but if I want to reach the weight of my skinny days, I have to lose five more kilos. Then I will be at the weight that I was when I was twenty years old. I get the distinct feeling that it can be done. 

I was also that weight before I got big from the medication. Before I started craving all those carbohydrates and all the fat started sticking to my bones. Before those nightmarish days in which I lost track of myself. 

Thank goodness those days are behind me. I'm no longer groping in the dark and not aware of myself and what is happening to me. It all truly was a bad dream. One which I never wish to be lost in again. God forbid that I should ever go through anything like that again. 

I don't expect to go through anything like it again. My head is in a much better space and I'm no longer in a unhealthy relationship. My eating is under control  and I'm not obsessed with unhealthy foods. I live a fairly normal life. As far as 'normal' is definable.

The depressions are the worst things that happen to me. I don't have control over them, but even they don't cause me to eat more. They do make me crave certain foods, but I don't have to give in to that. 

I very much feel like eating chocolate when I get down in the dumps, but that would be the worst thing I could do. It would only create a more morose mood. 

My skinny clothes are getting a little big on me, although not all of them. Some of them are very stretchy and will fit me for a long time. The jeans I have to hitch up with a belt. There's no other way about it. It's all for a good reason, n'est ce pas? 

And here it is early in the morning and I'm already awake. I don't know why I am already. Even the dog and the cat are still sound asleep. I have no good reason to be up. There's enough time in the day to do the things that I have to do.

I could possibly talk myself into going back to bed for a while, but I'm really not sleepy anymore. I don't think there's anything on TV this early in the morning. And I'm severely limited in how much coffee I can drink. I don't want to upset my stomach.

I may possibly have to take up a hobby. I had thought about taking up knitting, but now I'll seriously have to consider it. There are worse things I could do.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

And now for something really different...

It's early in the morning before dawn, but I find myself awake already. I'm more than ready for the day to start and I don't know why that is either. It's not as if I have a heck of a lot of interesting things to do today. I'll have to find ways in which to amuse myself so I won't get bored.

Of course, I'm still yawning, so I'm not as awake as I claim to be. That may be just a sign of the remnants of my sleep though. I'm having a cup of coffee and it may take care of that soon. If I do fail to wake up properly after all, I will go back to bed, but I'm not counting on it. 

I have taken my medicines and my vitamins and those are such big pills that I'll have to wait before I can eat breakfast. They will have to pass my gastric band first. I will have to wait for about an hour.  Then I have to decide which of the foods that I have available to me I'm going to eat for breakfast. 

It can be anything, as long as I feel like eating it. It's just a matter of getting my nutrients in for today and in what order I want to do that. I will have to wait until an hour from now and see what I feel like eating then. Maybe I will just have a plum. I hope they are a little more ripe than they were yesterday. 

I'm finishing up the last of the milk in my coffee. After that there will be no more milk and I'll have to drink my coffee black or with powdered creamer. I'm undecided which I will do. I think they are both bad choices that I'll have to get used to. 

I'm thinking of going with the black coffee because I used to drink my coffee black. I think in the end it will be the simplest choice and I'm not all that fond of powdered creamer. It does have an artificial taste. It will be easier to just pour a cup of black coffee. 

Right, I'll go see what other kind of trouble I can get into. I hope you'll all have a great day. And nice weather, of course. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dawdling...

I should be out walking the dog now, but I'm drinking a delicious cup of coffee and feeling generally good mooded so I'm loathe to get off my butt. I refuse to accept that it's that time of the evening again and that I have to fulfill my duty. Besides, the dog is sound asleep on the floor beside me and doesn't seem in the least interested in going out. It will wait until later. 

First I'm going to sit here and take advantage of the moment. It is too good to let go to waste. I don't very often get that super peaceful feeling anymore during the day and I do want to hold on to it while I can. I'm afraid that if I get up and start moving around, it will disappear as snow for the sun. I hold it as if it is a precious gift. As if it is something very fragile. I don't want to break it into a hundred fragments. 

Outside it is gray and cool and slightly windy. It's the kind of weather I don't mind at all. Some drops of rain fell even. They were just a few, but even so. At least I get to wear some decent clothes and I don't have to walk around skimpily dressed. The windows are still open and fresh air is coming in through them. I hope that the smoky smell will disappear quickly, although it's not as bad as it has been in the past. It helps if there's a bit of a draft. 

The coffee tastes especially good. I made a strong pot of it having just woken up from a nap a while ago. I wasn't sure what time of day it was when I woke up and was slightly disappointed when I realized that it was only late in the afternoon. For some reason I expected it to be in the middle of the night. I must have been completely discombobulated. I think I was even dreaming. The coffee has wakened me up quite nicely and now I'm back to my full senses. Sometimes I get the proportions of ground coffee and water just right. 

It's nice to be in a peaceful mood. I feel like I'm having a Zen moment and it's lasting a while. It's like being infused with happiness for no good reason at all. It just came out of the blue, although I'd like to know what made it come about so I can have a repeat of the experience. But first I'll enjoy it as much as I can. I do have to stay in the moment. Infusions of peacefulness and happiness are always welcome. It doesn't matter where they came from. It's making them last that counts. 

It's slowly getting dark in the living room. It will be time to turn the lights on shortly. The evenings do start earlier all the time and with it true fall will come. It's already in the air today after all that warm weather. I'm curious to see when I'll have to start wearing my winter coat. I'm glad I bought it when I did. I'm more than ready for any kind of weather and I've got the boots for it too. I won't be caught unawares. 

I've got to take my peaceful mood and go walk the dog with it before it really gets dark. It will be nice to be outside in the cool air for a while. It will cheer me up tremendously, not that I really need any cheering up. I will add another dimension to my mood. The dog will be most happy to go outside and walk through the fallen leaves. We will both benefit from the fresh air. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Small pleasures...

I've just finished a cup of coffee and, because it was the last one in the pot, I'll have to have a glass of milk now. Life is tough. You can't always get what you want.

I am thirsty and not about to sit here without something to drink. I do like some amount of instant gratification. Some things I hate to do without. I don't like to suffer. I'll do it if there's no other option, but if there is a choice, I'd rather not. I guess I do want what I can get most of the time.

It's some time in the afternoon of a sunny Thursday. There's nothing I should be doing now but sitting here writing this post. Unless it is lying outside on a chaise lounge getting a tan and I'm not about to expose my tender skin to the harsh rays of the hot autumn sun.

It would look good, a tan or many freckles. I just don't really have the patience to lie out there long enough to get any color or to be the focus of attention of the neighborhood in the meantime. I'd have to lie out front of the apartment and be the butt of all jokes in my skimpily dressed body. The thought alone makes me break out in a sweat.

Well, it's not as bad as all that. I do exaggerate. If forced at gunpoint I would go sit out there and bask in the sun. I can remove my watch and you'd see the very faint outline of it on my wrist. That's how much sun I've gotten this summer. But you can also blame that on the weather.

For as warm as it is outside, that's as cool as it is inside. I've got the back door and the windows open and I'm sitting in a nice draft. I feel the cool air on my bare feet. In the olden days, old women would have said, "Be careful, you're going to catch a cold!" Does anyone go around making that claim still?

The nonsense we are told when we are children. It is mind boggling. We have to unlearn so much when we become adults and knowledgeable. It's a terrible thing to be raised by poorly informed people. And to think that there used to be so many of them around. I shudder at the thought. It sure as heck doesn't make me long for the 'good old days.'

I've got to walk the dog. We are a little off our schedule today. That's because I took an unexpected nap at a time I normally don't. I'm full of surprises.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Finally...

I finally feel like I'm caught up on my sleep and that I'm a normally functioning human being again. I took a much needed nap after dinner and slept until the delivery boy from the pharmacy rang the intercom. It's a good thing he did, because I probably still would have been asleep now and that's not what was supposed to happen. 

I didn't get enough sleep last night and got up way too early this morning and was sort of dragging my butt all day. I didn't feel my normal cheerful self, no matter how hard I tried, but I knew it was from the lack of sleep. Sometimes you get too tired to fall asleep and I had tried it unsuccessfully in the afternoon. I felt jet lagged. Thank goodness that I feel alright now. 

I have an announcement to make. From this day on this blog is not going to be my main blog anymore. It is going to be one of the other ones which is now called: Be My Doll, Ain't No Chick. That's where I'll do most of my important posting. So if you're only subscribed to one of my blogs, as I know some of you are, I suggest you switch over to that one. It also has my complete archives which this one doesn't. 

Now that I've made that announcement, I suddenly don't know what to blog about anymore. I've taken the wind out of my own sails. 

At least I'm still yawning despite the coffee I'm drinking. That's a good sign. It means I will sleep alright tonight. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

One of those nights...

 It's threatening to become one of those long sleepless nights that I'm famous for which end up with me not going to bed until some time in the morning. I haven't been to bed yet and have been keeping myself busy with the appearances of my blogs and the names of them. 

I don't know if that was necessary, but it's something I get caught up in very once in a while. A madness comes over me and I go looking for blogger layouts and always find a new website where I can get them for free. And of course, I always think there are better layouts there than the ones I have at the moment. 

I think I am one hell of a stubborn woman with a one track mind who gets fixated on certain activities and stops being aware of everything around her. That's why it's good for me to sit here and write this post and take some distance from it all. Maybe I can get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground and go to bed at a halfway decent time. Maybe I can talk some sense into myself. 

Regardless of the late hour, I'm having some coffee to straighten out my head. It was in a complete muddle. I'm tired enough so I won't worry about falling asleep. That is, if I have enough sense to go to bed and don't continue to sit here doing useless things. I must tell myself that I look forward to going to bed and that it's a nice place to go to. There's so much temptation to stay up and sit here in a half stupor. 

I do like altered states of mind.Especially the kind that are benign and treat me friendly. The kind that leave me without feeling guilty, as this one is right now. Of course, I don't know the aftermath of it yet, but I assume a good outcome.  All will be well in the morning. 

I don't know what happened to the day. It was over in no time at all and I wasn't bored for one minute. Of course, sleeping for half of it took care of a great deal of it. I would be bored in the morning I I didn't sleep. To me that's not the best time of the day to be up. I used to clean house then in my housewifely days, but those are far behind me. I scrub the toilet at any time of the day now. I have no method. 

I have to go to bed now because I'm starting to doze off. My eyes want to fall shut. I'm sure one more cup of coffee would save me, but i better not drink it. I also have to pay attention to the dog because he's bothering the cat for lack of attention from me. I'll have to give him a good belly rub. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

A thunderstorm and a cup of coffee...

Thunder and lightning are heaving across the nighttime sky. Rain is pouring down hard. I am sat quite cozily inside and am only a bit worried about the elements that are playing their parts right over the top of the apartment. It is a little bit frightening when you see the sky light up and hear the loud crack of the thunder and how it then continues to rumble across the sky. 

I suppose it makes me feel vulnerable. I'll feel better once the storm has moved on. At least I'm not as bad as my paternal grandmother who, I was told, moved under the dining table when there was a thunderstorm. I can imagine her doing this because she was a small, nervous woman who was easily scared of things. 

A dining table seems like a good place to hide under. They were sturdily built in those days. Nothing like those flimsy things we have now.

I can pretend nothing is the matter and sit here and drink my cup of coffee and for the dog's sake stay very calm because he is a bit scared. The coffee tastes very nice too. It's giving me nerves of steel.

The dog got his vaccinations today. He had not been to the vet in a long time and for some reason he was very much impressed this time. He stuck close to me and eyed the vet suspiciously. He was certainly well behaved and giving him his shot was no problem, but it was funny to see him so very much on guard and subdued. He wanted to make friends with the vet, but wasn't too sure how to go about it.

As soon as we were outside, he was his old self again, but the memory of how he was in there will stay with me for a while. It was a side of him that I had not seen before and in a way it was very endearing and made me love him all the more. He had counted on me for a good outcome. We had ourselves a good bonding ritual when we got home. 

In my present mood, I was a bit bored with the day. I had to stay home because of the domestic help and took a nap while she was here because I didn't know what else to do and the nap was welcome. The domestic help gets to play house while I sleep and she always makes some changes for me to discover. I think that is endearing too because it shows she cares. 

I'm going back to bed now and I hope I sleep for a long time and am not up early like I was yesterday because it makes the day last too long. I don't know what to do with myself so early in the morning. Nobody needs me at that time. The phone better not ring before I'm ready to get up. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal once again....

I think I'm in a good enough frame of mind now to take a good look back at the past several days and see that I was probably in a hypo-manic state which I didn't come out of until yesterday afternoon after I finally slept for about five hours. I had been sleep deprived until that time and not in a position to think clearly. 

I looked back on it with some horror, but realized that I had not done anything too stupid and that all of my actions were easily able to be set straight. I had not made any really big guffaws that involved other people and would require a lot of explanation. Nor had I spent a lot of money. I was saved by the bell again. 

I remember feeling very good at the beginning of this period of madness, but becoming quite agitated as it continued and feeling very uncomfortable with it. Exhaustion was starting to show through and I could hardly keep up with myself, but felt compelled to nevertheless until I literally collapsed in my bed.

I built in a day of rest yesterday and took it very easy. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, so I added a lot of rest periods and periods of silence and patience. I avoided anything that was too stimulating and avoided the computer most of all because that's where I had spent all my time. 

I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel now and to not let things get out of hand again. I know what the pitfalls are and am going to avoid them.

My psychiatrist had warned me that I would have mood swings, but I had not expected them to be so severe. I really had not been properly prepared for this and was taken by surprise. I thought I was merely starting to feel better. Not that I was going to shoot into the sky like a rocket. 

Now I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee trying to be as mellow and calm as I can be. I'm accepting this period in the night for what it is and that is a time out before I go to bed again to finish sleeping, which I will hopefully have the sense to do. I don't want to become so cocky that I will stay up again until morning and decide that I don't need to sleep. I'm not home free yet.

Ultra rapid cycling is an unpredictable monster that you don't want hiding in your closet. I hope I'm done with it quickly and I assume I'm bothered by it now because of the increase in my antidepressants. It must be my body's way of adjusting to the new dose. Hopefully I've seen the worst of it now and a warned woman counts for two. 

The night is very quiet and serene. Thunderstorms and rain with winds were predicted, but none has come of it. It's just as well. I doubt that anyone was ready for another deluge. The last time, roads and cellars were flooded and trees were blown over. So I don't mind a clear, quiet night at all. I'm sure lots of sighs of relief are being breathed. 

It's very pleasant to be up. I'm enjoying my time of feeling well very much. It's no wonder that I always want this to last as long as possible. These are the most pleasurable hours of the day and night.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Thunder and lightning...

I woke up because the dog was trying to get my attention by gently growling into my right ear. I pulled him up on the bed and had a wrestling match with him which I won. Then we got up and went to the kitchen where he ate his kibbles and I made coffee. Now he's asleep on the sofa and I'm very cozily sitting here behind the computer in the middle of the night as is usual. All is well with the world. 

Last night, clouds moved in and the wind started to blow very hard. It started to thunder and rain something awful. It was an enormous storm and a lot of water fell out of the sky. The thunder moved right overhead and the lightning strikes came one right after another. 

In Belgium, right across the border, there was a music festival and trees and big tents got blown over and apart and several people got killed and seventy got wounded. It was quite a drama. The festival was in a chaos and had to be canceled. There were thousands of young people there who somehow all had to leave the festival grounds safely. Many of them had to be picked up by their parents. 

So for a while all was not right with the world. At least not in our little corner of it. The night is very silent now and there is no more storm or rain. I'm glad of it because it was very disquieting. I felt like I had to go and build an ark to put the animals in. 

The dog wanted to go outside as quickly as possible and trudge through the puddles after the storm was over. He did get very wet and the fur on his head got very curly so he looked like a poodle. The cat very wisely stayed inside and sat in front of the living room window and contemplated the wet world from there. She watched the whole storm from that spot and was very intrigued by it.

I thought I was going to be more tired than I am because I didn't take an afternoon nap yesterday. I'm surprisingly awake. I've only slept for a few hours, but I feel like I'm ready to stay up. No doubt I'll come to my senses once I start drinking cold milk instead of this coffee and feel the need to go back to bed. I must do the things that ordinary people do and stick to the schedule. 

I slept between clean sheets, but it was so warm and muggy in the bedroom that it was almost too warm to sleep under the duvet. I had it only covering my legs and that sufficed. It still hasn't cooled off a lot in the apartment, although today is going to be a not so warm day, but I prefer that. I'd rather wear more clothes than less clothes. 

Thank god it's Friday again. It's time to get ready to enjoy the weekend. This is the first weekend in a long time that I'll actually just plain feel good. It won't be an escape from the real world. It will just be two enjoyable days with time off for good behavior, but I won't dread the coming of Monday when it's over.

I suppose I must start thinking now about going back to bed. I'm not tired, but I should try to get some more sleep. It will be the sensible thing to do. Even if I only rest with my eyes open it will be good. At least I will have had a time out. I've got to take advantage of those clean sheets. 

I hope you'll all have a good Friday with the kind of weather you hope for. 

Ciao,

Nora

The becauses...

Because I had not slept so well last night and because I had gotten up so early this morning, I just took a two hour nap in my bed. I went to sleep quite devastated, but woke up in a much better frame of mind. 

I did just now take two tranquilizers, but I think they were due because I had not had any since early this morning. This was to prevent the next wave of devastation from washing over me. I felt it coming and wanted to head it off at the pass.

They are not quite working yet, but should be soon and I will be in safer waters.  Until that time, I'm drinking coffee to get at least my head on straight.  

I was in a hypo-manic mood during the night and had to force myself to go to bed when it was already quite late. That's why I only had a few hours of sleep. I had to go see my SPN this morning. I think I like being hypo-manic when it is first happening, but after a while it isn't funny anymore and I become trapped in it. 

I wish I didn't become it at all. Neither extreme is good. Being hypo-manic is just as bad as being depressed. You are not yourself and behave unpredictably. Both extremes are scary. 

Enough said about that. Sometimes I get so tired of myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to business...

Okay, there is to be no fooling around and things are going to be back to business as usual. I will keep a stiff upper lip and not sit here and feel sorry for myself. There is to be no whining and complaining except for when I momentarily can't stand it anymore, but then it will be very briefly. 

Last night I muttered swear words under my breath. I didn't speak the lord's name in vain, but I did mention him several times. Repeatedly, actually. It felt good and it was sort of like an incantation. It was a plea to his omnipresence, as far as that heathen heart of mine was capable of it. The catholic church would have been proud of me. I swore as well as any pastor. I did it every time reality dawned on me.

The English aren't the only ones who can keep a stiff upper lip. We Dutch people are equally good at it, though we call it something else. We have all sorts of expressions for it, none of which are really suitable for translation. I don't like them well enough anyway. We straighten our backs and turn into the wind and get ready to brave the storm. And not a peep out of you. That's just a general description.

I'm sitting here having numerous cups of coffee and I'm not keeping track of how many I've had. It doesn't seem important right now. What counts is the state of my mood and its relative wellness. If I have to chemically induce that, then so be it. It seems a minor detail in the general state of affairs. I had a lot of coffee yesterday too and I survived it well enough. I still think it has medicinal properties and is as necessary to me as my medication is.

It's early in the morning and I don't know if I will go back to bed. I very much feel like staying up and starting the day. I woke up in a terrible sweat, but I know it's not from the menopause. It's a side effect from the antidepressants and now that they've been increased, it's going to bother me more. I don't look forward to going back to bed and would have to change the sheets first anyway. It's possible that I'll hang out here in my bathrobe for quite a while longer.

At least it's possible now for me to take tranquilizers during the day which soften the edges quite a bit. I was encouraged to do this and I have no qualms about taking them, not now. I always get off them very easily too when the time is right. 

I don't know what sort of post this has turned out to be. It wasn't as normal a post as I had intended it to be. Maybe it will be the next time. I will talk about ordinary things in a more normal frame of mind. If I achieve that, of course. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora