A safely started post...

I always start my posts safely and tell you that I'm sitting here peacefully with a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the middle of the night and that all is well. This is no exception to the rule. This is what I'll tell you. How close it is to the truth is another matter, but that's not something I want to get into at all, so I'll just keep everything very simple and only discuss things on the surface where they appear very tranquil. 

I've not posted for a couple of days because the subjects that have kept me occupied have not been things I've want to write about. They have been things I wanted to think about and ultimately discuss with my SPN, which I have done yesterday. At least it turned out I was on the right track and that I was thinking logically and coming to the right conclusions, so I'm rather proud of myself. It turns out that I can depend on myself to make the right decisions. 

I don't want to be enigmatic, but I also don't want to go into detail about the various subjects that I struggled with. Needless to say. I had a lot on my plate. I still have a lot on my plate, but at least I'm more clear on how to deal with it now. 

I don't know how much sense there is in blogging when you don't go into the details of what keeps you busy, but I suppose there are other things to talk about, although they seem rather frivolous in comparison. I've thought about not blogging at all, but then I thought that was too extreme a decision. I think that maybe I will post less often and not be so open about the things I write about. Some subjects are better left alone and are only for silent contemplation or discussion with the professionals. 

The weather has turned from beautiful to cold and rainy. Yesterday I had to wear double layers of clothing and my jacket and scarf. There was a cold wind blowing from the west. I didn't turn the heater on, however, and still have the bedroom window open on a crack. It's not too chilly inside and if I stay dressed warm enough, it is doable. I do wear extra warm pajamas when I go to bed and Tyke huddles close to me. At least his fur is long and curly enough again to keep him warmer. 

Everything is green and becoming colorful. There is hardly a bare tree to be found. Lots of trees have beautiful blossoms on them, pink and white. The tulips are blooming and so are many other bulb plants. The tulips are the prettiest and very varied. You see them in all sorts and colors. I suppose because I'm Dutch I would have to like tulips best.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A reason for being late...

I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday and told him that the new sleeping pills had not worked at all. That, as a matter of fact, I had been up for nights without any sleep at all, and that I had gone back to using my old sleeping pills which allowed me some sleep anyway. 

He called me in the afternoon and said that he had never heard of these pills not working at all and that the cause had to be  that I had stopped using my old sleeping pills so abruptly. He suggested that I try using my old sleeping pills along with the new sleeping pills last night and that he would call me today to see what had happened. If I had slept at all. 

My old sleeping pills are the kind that help you fall asleep, but don't keep you asleep, that's why I always woke up after a few hours. The new sleeping pills are really to help you sleep through the whole night. So last night I took them both not expecting very much.

Much to my surprise I slept almost nine hours. I couldn't believe my luck. That's the longest I have slept in I don't know how long. It's been forever. I don't even remember when the last time was that I slept such a long time. Needless to say, I felt great. I was only a little bit groggy when I got up and one cup of coffee took care of that.

Now I only wish to sleep like this every night and I hope it is possible. I hope my psychiatrist lets me use this combination of pills always. 

I look forward to the day now, knowing that I won't have to go back to bed to get the sleep that I didn't get during the night. I woke up at a civilized hour. I went to bed early last night because I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. All day yesterday I didn't take a nap. This normally would have messed up my sleep schedule something awful, but now I've had the proper amount of sleep and I can plan a normal day. 

I have to go see my SPN this morning and after that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. I've already started a grocery list as I thought of items I absolutely needed and should not forget. They are not things I get every week so they are not things I automatically think of when I sit down to make a list when the Exfactor is here. Thank goodness there's a white board in the kitchen to help me remember. It does pay to be a little bit organized. 

I wasn't planning on seeing my SPN this week, but made a last minute appointment anyway with the way things were going. My mood was all over the place and I was in danger of becoming quite hypo-manic. As it is I did some dumb things anyway, but more about that some other time. When I'm not embarrassed. 

I will get the show on the road and take Tyke for a walk. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but it's still quite cold outside. It's been freezing last night. 

Have a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

No rest for me...

I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can't have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.

So now I'm sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster. 

To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don't want to be awake right now. I'm awake under protest.  All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly. 

I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit. 

I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there's a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That's why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it's a good thing that I don't have one handy. 

The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn't the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn't realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro's. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you're going to smoke at all... I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda. 

I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that's much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don't wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don't have it in the right position. I've found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don't move around much in my sleep. It's the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There's still room for Tyke to lie down too. 

I wasn't too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention. 

I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let's face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won't go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I'm glad I make it to my SPN's office. 

That dog is still barking and I still can't go back to bed. I'm wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he's trying to figure out where that dog is. He's looking into the dark night. 

I've got to find some other things to do now. I think I've made this epistle long enough. I've got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn't fit in my kitchen. I'm so deprived of luxuries. I don't take anything for granted. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The sense of medicines...

Because I had not been feeling my old self lately, I asked my psychiatrist today if I could increase my anti-depressants. I told him the reasons why and he said it was okay with him if I felt that I couldn't wait a few days to see if it would improve. I thought about that, but realized that I didn't want to continue feeling the way I was. I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle and that I was going down hill.

What bothered me especially was the over analyzing of my thoughts that I was doing continuously and still want to do, although now that I realize that I'm depressed, I try not to do this anymore. I don't give it the legitimacy that it had before. I was picking every word and deed and thought apart until nothing was left whole and unexamined, but because I looked at it through dark and negative  colored glasses, nothing looked right and I couldn't get a clear picture. 

Like I said, I try not to over analyze my thoughts anymore and I'm waiting for the medication to do its job. I have faith in it, just like I believe in not using it when it's not necessary. At the same time, I'm not going to take myself so seriously. I'm going to leave my thoughts alone and not pick them apart. I will treat myself like an ailing person who has to get better.

That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. I feel major discomfort creeping up on me as I write this. My mood is morose. I have deep and dark thoughts and unpleasant memories popping up their head.  Scenarios that are unwanted and uncalled for enter my head and are played out and they are painful. They make my toes curl in my boots. It's best to keep myself occupied.

One way I did that today was to watch the continuous news about the devastation in Japan from the earthquake and the tsunami. I guess my troubles pale in the face of that. It's always good to keep a sane perspective on things, though you must not neglect your own problems because other people in the world are having worse ones.  You'd never get around to taking care of yourself that way.

I have to walk Tyke, he is waiting impatiently. He has just eaten his dinner.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

What a life...

The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.

It's terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don't even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can't go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 

I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there's nobody else around to do it. It's a one woman operation, although I guess when you're surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they're not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.

Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.

I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don't you wish you could pick your scenery? 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

On a cold spring day...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off. The bedroom window is open and the heater is turned off. I'm airing out the place and stubbornly refuse to change the situation. I should put on more clothes, but I also refuse to do that. I guess I'm being very Calvinistic and must believe in minor suffering. As long as my teeth aren't chattering, I think I can handle it. On top of everything, I had a glass of cold milk and that made me extra cold. I think I will have a cup of hot coffee next. It's the most sensible thing to do.

My personal helper was here this morning and together we walked Tyke and did the dishes. Doing the dishes with another person makes them less of a bothersome chore. I had just received approval by mail to have 4 hours a week of personal help for another 5 years. Isn't that wonderful? Now we won't have to reapply every year, which is a long drawn out process. This comes at a time of major cut backs when many people have their applications turned down, so I got very lucky.

Getting the approval has taken a lot of stress off my shoulders because I was prepared to get turned down and was worried about opening the envelope when it came in the mail. As a matter of fact, I put it off for a whole day before I dared open it. You can imagine what a relief it was when I saw the year 2016 in the extension box. I suppose somebody is watching over me.

It's overcast outside and windy. It's a cold wind and it's supposed to rain later on. It's not pleasant to walk the dog. I do think I liked the sunshine better, but I can never make up my mind about these things. Inside it is cozy and I have some of the lights on. I'm glad that the dishes are done, but I still have to hang up the laundry and wash another load. 

I've closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater and put on a heavy cardigan. I've also had a cup of coffee. Common sense did prevail.

I'm very sleepy and need to take a nap. I slept 8 hours last night, but I guess that still wasn't enough. I have a terrible desire to go to sleep. I think I will go lie down in my bed and get warm and comfortable.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

It's officially Saturday again...

Having gone to bed early last night, I'm up early this morning too and drinking coffee and having myself a splendid time. I can't get enough of the early morning hours when everything is so peaceable and serene and I am the only person awake on the block. At least I assume I am. I thought I heard some noise in the stairwell earlier, but all is quiet now. No doubt that was a neighbor coming home from a late night out. The bars don't close until the wee hours of the morning and there are those stubborn enough to take advantage of that. 

I slept well between clean sheets with both the animals on the bed. This does not leave that much room for me, but I manage. I do wake up with a sore knee, but I would regardless. It always takes me a while to get over it after I've gotten up and it takes some time to get comfortable. I think Tyke lies in waiting for me to open my eyes, because he is always looking at me when I do and ready to be greeted. Gandhi is tucked in beside my pillows and looks like a little ball of fur.She doesn't get up when we do, but keeps right on sleeping. 

The first thing I do when I walk into the living room is turn on the computer and then walk into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I try to measure the ground coffee properly into the filter so that I don't make it too strong and I succeeded today. It is just right and I was not too generous like I have a tendency to be. I very often over optimistically put in too much ground coffee and make it much too strong taking away from the good flavor of it. Strong coffee does wake me up, but it makes me thirsty too, causing me to have to drink cold milk for the quenching of it. 

When I first wake up, I always have visions of many good things to eat, but those disappear into the background once I've had my first cup of coffee. I could raid the cupboards when I first get up. I want to eat all sorts of decadent things, but I don't have those in the apartment anyway. Imagine if I had a box of cookies or bonbons. No doubt I would be tempted to eat those. I would be tempted to stuff my mouth with them before I had time to properly think about it. I do have a jar of Nutella and in a weak moment I have spoons full of that. Little teaspoons full. It's one of my deadly sins.

Since today is Saturday, it's going to be a day of freedom. I will walk Tyke several times and hang up a load of laundry, but I don't have much else to do. There are no 'ought to's' in my life today. There will be sports on television and then some inane programs that are not worth watching. Luckily there is an off button. The best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, which I have not taken the time to do and today would be the perfect opportunity. My armchair is a good place to hang out in. I will also take the necessary naps on the sofa and contemplate my navel. 

It's going to rain today and that will be a perfect opportunity to hibernate. I will have the lights turned on in the living room and be cozy. I do like the rain when I'm inside. There something very soothing about the rain when you're not in it. Besides, even if I were in it, it wouldn't hurt me very much, because I have indestructible hair. If it got wet, all I'd have to do is rub it quickly with a towel and it would be in shape again. It's not going to be very cold and we're in for some mild weather. I think winter is really over now.

Enjoying my own company is what it's going to be all about this weekend. Luckily, I'm in a good enough mood to do that. I don't feel any of the discomfort that I felt last week when I was not so stable. I've managed to get on an even keel since then. I'm okay again by myself.

I will go back to bed again shortly. There's lots of time to sleep still. I don't have to get the day started early. I can sleep late and my warm bed does call me. I've started to yawn and that is a sure sign that I need some more sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal...

It's early in the morning and I'm very pleasantly sitting here with my second cup of coffee by the light of the desk lamp and the computer monitor. I can take my time writing this, because I'm not going back to bed like I usually do. I have an appointment to see my hairdresser at 10 o'clock, so I will stay up. I will be too muddle headed if I go back to bed and try to get up on time the second time around. It would take numerous cups of coffee to get me into good enough shape and dressed and ready to go. 

I have been feeling good since yesterday afternoon and I can say with enough certainty that I'm back to normal. I reduced my anti-psychotics to the original dose, because the higher dose was making me feel moody and I'm in a much better frame of mind now. I suppose the higher dose was okay for a little while, but not to continue on. These things need to be carefully tuned. What works well one day doesn't work the next. My moods do change, after all. I don't stay euphoric or dysphoric for a long time. They are not endless cycles. 

The beginning of the day yesterday was only slightly pleasant, but it ended nicely as I started feeling better and Tyke got an extra walk when I got back to normal. That was a nice benefit for him and me. I did feel like being out there in the cold and breathing in the fresh evening air an extra time. 

I didn't get a heck of a lot accomplished, but I didn't worry about that. There wasn't that much to do that was pressing so I could take it easy. Today I will get caught up on whatever wasn't done yesterday. The laundry is dry and I can think about putting clean sheets on the bed again. 

Last night I stayed up and watched an Inspector Linley Mystery. I was very cozily sitting in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me and Gandhi on my lap. I do love English detective series and stay up late especially to watch them, even if it is past my bedtime. I ate a bowl of yogurt, though it wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was younger and the yogurt was so much thicker and creamier. Still, it was refreshing and filling enough.

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut. It will be nice to have manageable hair again. The Exfactor is also going to be here today for a cup of coffee. That and going to the hairdresser will be pleasant breaks in the day.

I don't really have that much to say this morning. I thought I was full of words, but it turns out not to be the case. Well, that will have to do then. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

In the quiet moments...

I've slept a good long time this morning and took a while to wake up in my armchair with several cups of coffee. It was a pleasant time out. I petted Tyke and found my equilibrium. It wasn't actually too far away. 

I have a day off and not much on the program, which is fine with me, because I don't feel all that ambitious today. All I want to do is have my peace of mind and hold on to it as much as I can. I have it right now, so I'm in good shape and don't want to lose it. I'm going to prevent myself from doing anything to let it slip away.

The best thing to do, is do everything as calmly and quietly as possible without being in a rush. Every move has to be thought out as well as possible ahead of time. There's to be no stress in my day and I want to keep things simple and unhurried. 

I'll make it a nurturing day and pretend I am under the wool with a minor ailment. Actually, my knee is bothering me quite a bit, so I could use that as an excuse. I got up with it feeling quite sore and is hasn't gotten better yet.

I want to enjoy the day as much as I can, but do it in a very peaceful way without the least amount of stress. It's going to be a mental health day. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to have one of those and I think I am today. That's why I'm still in my bathrobe and I'm planning to be for a while. 

Wednesday is usually a day on which I don't have too many chores. Not too many dishes have accumulated and the laundry has been done. Things get busier again by Friday, but for now I have some time off. 

I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow. Yesterday I realized that my hair was too long and unmanageable. That seems to happen from one day to the other. You realize that you're spraying too much hairspray on it to keep it in place. It's a mess in the morning when I get up out of bed. There's not much shape to it and it looks quite funny. Flattened on one side and sticking up on the other. I look frightful. 

The sun is coming out and it's about time. It does make the world a little more cheerful. Things have been gray and gloomy. We're supposed to have a wintry shower this afternoon, that's how cold it is, but after that, the temperatures are going to improve. Hopefully, spring will be in the air from that point forward. 

Tyke wants to go for a walk, so I need to get dressed. It will be good to get some fresh air. 

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

I'm sitting here with a tall glass of cold milk and a cigarette. It is in the middle of the night, but I've already slept for a long time, because I went to bed early yesterday evening. Today is my day off. I can spend it as I wish, within reason, as long as I walk Tyke and do some of my chores. 

It's the kind of day that I look forward to. I do very much like leisurely days in which nothing important is on the schedule and no one is coming to visit me. That doesn't mean that I'm anti-social, because I also appreciate the days when someone does. I do like to keep these days finely balanced. A little bit of everything is perfect. 

The milk tastes great and is perking me right up. I had a cup of coffee, but for a change I wasn't in the mood for another cup. That's highly unusual. The milk is agreeing better with me than the coffee did and is waking up my brain. It must be the coldness of it. It's almost as good as having a cold dessert. In my case that would have to be something like an ice cream sundae with whipped cream on top. I haven't had one of those in ages, but I do have the memory of one.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries and I had him buy me three cartons of low fat yogurt. I'm all done eating vanilla pudding and I was in the mood for something completely different. I do like the slightly sour taste of plain yogurt. For lack of space in the bike bags, I didn't have him buy me any buttermilk, although I was in the mood for that too. Maybe I'll have him get me that the next time.  It's something I have been craving.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to not reduce my sleep medication right now because I had not been sleeping well. Sleeping well is so important and it is really detrimental to my well being if I don't. I don't function as well during the day if I haven't had a good night's sleep. That includes the hours that I sleep in the early morning after I go back to bed. I am reducing the anti-depressives some more and started that yesterday, but I'm not the least bit concerned about that. That will be fine. 

I also saw my SPN and we are now going to see each other once every two weeks, because it's not really necessary to see each other more often. We don't have that much to discuss. We will reduce the visits more as we go along.

I think that now I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not morning yet and I have some hours left before it will be. I'm yawning and more than ready to go back to sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

At first do no harm...

I've had several cups of coffee and I feel sufficiently awake, but then I was the moment I opened up my eyes. Tyke was sitting pretty beside my bed looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I have no idea how long he had been sitting there. He wagged his tail when I looked at him. I petted him and he was happy. Then he went to sleep in the armchair while I made coffee. I guess he just anticipated that I would wake up soon. It's become such a ritual.

I'm not grumpy, because I didn't take the Valerian tablets and yesterday I felt good all day. It really did make a difference. Now, you are able to buy these tablets over the counter and unsuspecting people may do that and have a similar reaction as I did and not know what is happening to them. Buying over the counter medicines is not as innocent as it seems, because it can have all sorts of side effects. I would be very careful using them and really only take them on the advice of a doctor. Even then I would be very wary. 

I finally got a sport's gel for my knee and that is helping the joint pain quite a bit. I apply it twice a day in a thin layer that I rub in real well. I do feel relief for quite a while afterwards, although the pain doesn't completely disappear. It does feel better when I get up out of bed. Sleeping seems to be the most hurtful thing for my knee, but so does sitting down. When I straighten out my leg, it gets stuck and goes snap. I will keep applying the sport's gel until it gets better.

Every morning, my freshly washed hair is in a disarray. I sleep on my right side and that side of my hair gets kinky. No matter how much brushing I do, I can't get it to lie down in a proper shape. It really needs to be washed every day for it to look good. It's so fine and unmanageable. It's very straight too and it doesn't have much bounce. I would love to have some body and volume to my hair but I am not that lucky. I think I need to use a creme rinse and will have to invest in a bottle and see if that makes a difference. I will have to go to the drugstore and see what's available to match the shampoo I'm using.

I had changed the bed yesterday and last night I slept under freshly laundered sheets. They smelt very good when I got in bed, That truly is a pleasure. I especially like the newly washed pillow cases. It didn't take me long to fall sleep. I listened to the football outcomes of the different games that had been played. I'm really starting to enjoy that and am getting to know the players of the different clubs better. There had also been speed skating races and one of our women had done well. Those are the commentaries I went to sleep with.

I ate a whole piece of Port Salut cheese last night. It's a very soft and tasty cheese and it goes down easy. The Exfactor had bought it for me because he knows how much I like it. It's a special treat. It's really the kind of cheese you serve at parties with crackers, but I ate it just as it was. It's a young cheese and easy to digest. An aged cheese is harder for me to handle. I've stopped eating Brie and Camembert. I had those so often that I grew tired of them. I do go through phases that I like certain kinds of foods and eat them until I'm sick of them. 

I just went through a period that I liked vanilla pudding very much, but I'm coming to the end of that and I think I will switch to yogurt now. Just plain yogurt without a flavor. I also feel like drinking buttermilk. That's very thirst quenching because of it's sour taste. I've always liked it and I make mean buttermilk pancakes, though I doubt I will be making them. I wouldn't have enough room in my stomach for them. I'm totally over my like for Cup A Soups after having eaten those a lot. They're too salty anyway and not all that nutritious. 

I'm still taking my vitamin pill every day and it's not hard to remember to do this. All I have to think about is the fact that I want to stay healthy and I reach for that bottle quick enough. At one point, I want to have my blood checked for a vitamin or mineral deficiency, but I want to do that after I've been taking the vitamins for a while.

I'm going to get a glass of cold milk and find another way to amuse myself that's not too damaging. My psychiatrist said to let him know if I was not sleeping well enough. I will see him on Tuesday and I will know by that time how well I am doing. Right now I'm wide awake, but I don't know what will happen the rest of the day. I haven't had much sleep yet, but I may catch up on that. 

Have a great day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

In the long run...

I slept a record time of ten hours last night. I did get up twice to go to the toilet, but both times I went back to sleep immediately. I'm mighty proud of myself because I did it without the aid of the Valerian tablets. I decided not to take those anymore because I thought they were making me feel grumpy during the day. I was grumpy for as many days as I took them and the link seemed obvious. 

Actually, yesterday I thought I was starting to feel depressed and I sure as heck didn't want that. I could only assume that it was because of the Valerian tablets because that was the one major change there had been in my life. I felt quite bad and was worried about myself, but realized what the cause might be and decided to not to start to despair. I just had to be patient for a while and get a good night's sleep. I feel ever so much better this morning and that's something to be thankful for.

Now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee on a gray Saturday morning, but I don't mind one bit. It may rain later on, but that's okay. As long as my mood is good it doesn't matter. I'm happy about the fact that it is Saturday and a day to do nothing much important on. Of course, I will walk the dog and do some chores, but I will do them in my own leisurely way. There's no pressure to get anything done at a certain time, except that Tyke does know how to tell time and knows when I need to take him for a walk. He's a smart dog. 

I have a vague idea of what the day is going to look like. I'm going to change the bed for one thing and do a load of laundry. As always, I have to clean up the kitchen and also put the clean laundry away. I'm going to try and sit down in my armchair and read my book, but I'll probably daydream instead. I should probably call it meditating and contemplating my navel. I'll also watch the latest developments in Egypt on television.

First I'll go and walk Tyke. He's had his breakfast and is more than ready to go. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Just make another pot of coffee...

I've just walked Tyke and the weather isn't nearly as lovely as it has been for the past couple of days. We had lots of sunshine, but now the sky is overcast and gray and they say it's going to rain this afternoon. It's chillier outside too and my short leather jacket was really not that warm to wear, but I refuse to put on my thick winter coat. I'm going to be the eternal optimist and pretend that springtime is coming. 

I want to put that winter coat away for the season and not wear it again. If I stubbornly wear my leather jacket, it's bound to get nicer outside just because I want it to be. I can always put on my thick warm scarf and be protected that way. I want to fool Mother Nature into thinking that she doesn't need to set free any more frost and cold wind on us. A little bit of rain is alright, that doesn't bother me. 

It's funny how quickly you get used to warm sunshine and daisies in the grass. You feel that this ought to be the weather from now on. It's very upsetting when the temperatures dip down again and the cold wind starts to blow. Well, it's relatively cold. It's uncomfortable anyway compared to what you had just got used to. 

I was feeling grumpy earlier this morning and I'm not sure if I completely got over it. I've decided not to worry about and to pay it as little mind as I can. I'm not going to do anything to give reason to let it come to the surface. I'm going to lie low. I will treat it with coffee and cigarettes and vanilla pudding. Those are the best things I can think of. I will only do pleasant things and I will decide what those are. They may include a chore or two. I'm not completely irresponsible.

I'm yawning even though I got enough sleep. I hope I don't have to take a nap on the sofa. Not that I'd mind that all that much. It is nice and warm in here and I can put the yellow fleece blanket over me. I really wanted to watch the news and read my book for a while before I did anything else. It's well written and worth the effort, because it is an effort for me to read a book. I don't do it as easily as I used to. I really have to plan it into my day. 

I'm going to proceed with the rest of the day. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied and entertained. Tyke and Gandhi need some attention and I need to fold the dry laundry.

I hope you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Go on, make me happy...

I just got back from seeing my SPN and my psychiatrist. I also stopped by the pharmacy. They were all lightening visits and I was done everywhere in the shortest amount of time, because everything was so uncomplicated. Isn't that nice? 

I had to get a letter to reapply for the personal helper for another year from my SPN and she had that done in no time. I hardly had to help her with it and was actually joking around and telling her to put in all sorts of nonsense. She just ignored me and I told her that that was the best thing she could do. I could not be held responsible for the contents of that letter, because I'm not that concerned about getting the reapplication approved. It either will be or not, I leave that up to fate. I do appreciate the effort she put into the letter and I will give it to my personal helper on Monday so she can fill out the rest of the paperwork.

My psychiatrist wanted to know how much weight I had lost when I saw him and it pleased me that it was that obvious. I told him that it was due to reducing the medicines and not because I was eating less, because he was concerned about that. I had to reassure him that yes, I was eating enough. He also wanted to make sure that I was absolutely doing alright and that I was not in any way hypo-manic and I tried to reassure him in the best possible way that I wasn't without sounding like I was. Sometimes it is a little bit difficult to prove that you're normal. You start to sound a little mad while you do. 

He wants me to get off the medication that I take to go to sleep at night and I have to start reducing it today. Instead of taking that, he wants me to try herbal medicine and I've picked up those tablets from the pharmacy this afternoon. It is proven that they work and I'm going to try them for a week. If I have luck with them, I'll keep using them. I have no reason to doubt their usefulness and I'm sure they'll work fine. I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight and trying them out. 

In the meantime, I've taken Tyke for a walk, because he was begging to go out. It was time for him to go according to the schedule. He had that right.  It is dark outside now, but today was a beautiful sunny day and I only needed to wear my short leather jacket and no scarf. It felt like springtime a little bit. The snowdrops are out everywhere and today I saw daisies in the fields. That was a nice surprise and it made me feel hopeful. With enough sunshine things will start popping out of the ground. 

I've missed watching the six o'clock news, but I'm going to sit in my armchair now and read my book until the eight o'clock news comes on. That will be a good and quiet way to pass the time. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

No, I haven't...

I haven't nearly had enough sleep, because Tyke woke me up barking twice for no reason that I could figure out. I had to get him quiet immediately and spent some time entertaining him, which woke me up almost completely, but I wasn't ready to be awake. I did get up eventually, instead of lying there in the dark, and went on the bathroom scale where I saw that I had lost another kilo. 

That almost got me over my grouchiness and I figured a cup of coffee would do the rest. I'm attempting now to be in a good mood, but I'm not quite there yet. It's going to take at least another cup of coffee and maybe a nap on the sofa. People shouldn't get up at ungodly hours and have to start the day. Nothing good will come of it. I think I need a can of Red Bull. 

I feel like doing nothing but complain about the early hour of the day and I wonder how people do it every day who have to go to a job. Do they get up cheerfully and shower and get dressed and get out of the house on time? How do they do that? They must need their requisite cups of coffee to get them kick started. They have to decide what to wear and put on their clothes in the right order, all the while under pressure to be somewhere on time. 

I also have to complain about my knee. It is bothering me and I'm not a happy camper. It is better if I walk around on it, but as soon as I come to rest, it starts to hurt, no matter what position I have it in. It's very wearisome and I'd like to be rid of my knee and have another one. A brand new twenty year old knee, even if it doesn't match the rest of me. I could be like the bionic woman and have new parts. 

I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and am starting to feel some semblance of normality. I've stopped yawning, which is good, because my jaw threatened to get stuck. Leave it to coffee to help me start to feel better. I'm drinking it with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It's not all that horrible and it's better than drinking it black. I used to drink my coffee black when I was very stoic. I don't remember when I started taking milk in it again, but couldn't do without it now. There is a limit to how much I want to deprive myself. I do deprive myself of a lot of things already. I've had a hunkering for a meatball for a week, for instance, but I won't eat it. 

I suppose I have to decide what I'm going to do now. I think I will get dressed and watch the repeats of the news and see if I'm truly awake. If not, I'll go lie down on the sofa. The Exfactor is supposed to come over this morning to do the groceries and I'll have to get a shopping list ready. I do feel tired still and really not ready to start the day. I want to rest my knee too. It's protesting wildly. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

Ponderings...

It's late at night, but I assume I will go to bed eventually. It's past midnight, so officially the day has ended and I'm in a new day. It is Wednesday now and Tuesday is yesterday. That's to avoid confusion when I talk about yesterday. 

Yesterday I saw my SPN and talked about my growing dislike to see my personal helpers anymore. I explained how with the decrease of my medicines, my own sense of self destination and independence had returned and that I felt much more capable and emancipated and in charge of my own life and much less dependent on the help and interference of other people. 

My SPN thought that made perfect sense and that I sounded very reasonable, but she didn't want me to discontinue the services of my personal helpers in case I was in need of them somewhere down the road. She did say that maybe it was time to cut back the amount of visits to once a week or once every two weeks. I think for scheduling purposes I will have to go to once a week. 

I will discuss this with my Wednesday personal helper this morning and tell her that I would like only the one to come on Mondays to get the week started. I don't know how she will take this, but it must be done. We're wasting each other's time. There's no sense in her coming here on Wednesdays. I will be most diplomatic about it and get it across it in the most positive way. There's no need to hurt anyone's feelings. Having decided that, I feel a lot better. 

It rained almost all day yesterday and I walked to my SPN under my umbrella. I decided to walk instead of riding my bike, as I thought that might be easier on my knee. I also didn't want to get soaking wet and the Exfactor also needed my bike to do the groceries while I was gone. He arrived here just before I left and we had coffee together while I made the grocery list.

I took Tyke for walks in the rain and his fur turned curly as if he'd had a perm. He is lucky that way. My hair just gets straighter when it gets wet.

I think it's time for me to go to bed. I'm tired now and long to go to sleep. It will be ever so cozy in my bed. 

Have a good night, you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Always in the morning...

I made the mistake of looking at the alarm clock this morning, not realizing that it had stopped because the battery had died. According to it, it wasn't even early in the morning yet. I felt quite frustrated, because I was all done sleeping, but soon after that, I looked at my watch and saw that it was much later. I do have bad luck with batteries for the alarm clock and I hope this one is rechargeable. I'll have to invest in a package of rechargeable batteries. That shouldn't cost an arm and a leg and I do need them for other things as well. I'll put them on the shopping list for next Tuesday along with a bottle of vinegar to clean the coffeemaker. 

The coffeemaker is making a lot of protesting noises when it spits out the last bit of water into the filter and I know it is because of the hard water and the fact that I haven't cleaned it for a while. It's so easy to forget. I do have to take care of it, because it's a good coffeemaker, although I would prefer a Senseo machine, but I can't really afford one of those right now. I want to get a real one and not one of those cheap imitations that you see for sale sometimes. I have no faith in them at all. I think they'll break down in the shortest amount of time. 

Yesterday was a nice day, although it rained nearly all day. I didn't let that bother me and took Tyke for a long walk in the drizzle. I decided we needed some fresh air and some exercise. We both enjoyed it very much, apart from the fact that we got wet. That's not the worst thing that can happen, though. I pretended that I didn't have a sore knee and walked like it didn't bother me. I doesn't seem to have hurt me at all. It's going to be sore anyway, regardless of what I do. At this point, I think it's the cut that hurts me most. 

There was speed skating on television in the afternoon and that did provide some diversion. The Dutch men did well and I can only be proud of them. I do enjoy watching speed skating, as it's almost hypnotic to look at, especially if they skate a longer distance. It's a very relaxing sport to watch, while being exciting enough too. The commentary is always very good and professional and as unbiased as it can get. There's real admiration for the skaters from other countries, not just our own. 

I didn't get a lot of chores done, but then that didn't seem so important. There was not that much to do anyway. I played with Tyke a lot and gave him some of my undivided attention, which he appreciated very much. Gandhi participated as much as possible, unless it got too rough. She stuck as close to us as she could and retrieved Tyke's rubber toy when it got stuck under the chair. That was good, because I didn't have to kneel down and get it. That's kind of hard on my knee.

The Exfactor came by and I gave him some of my strong coffee and that quite perked him up. I saw him come to live. I think he'd only had tea, which proves my point that it's another beverage altogether. 

I went to bed early, despite my intention to stay up. By eight o'clock I was yawning something awful and longing to go to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there was no stopping it. I listened to the radio for a while, but there were football games on and that doesn't interest me all that much. It seems that football season is never over. If so, I must miss the break. I was thinking about putting on a CD when I fell asleep. 

This morning I will go back to bed for a while, because it's Sunday morning and there's no need to rush the day. There will be enough hours to be up to do things in. It's going to be cloudy and chilly today and there may be a shower now and then. It's not very exciting weather. Mostly very dreary. It's really the kind of weather that makes you want to have a hibernating Sunday, but I suppose I will go for another long walk with Tyke. We'll take the same route we did yesterday, because it was such a great success. It was just long enough to not be too exhausting. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

But all I did was fall down!

My Wednesday personal helper convinced me to go to the doctor to have my knee looked at. I was able to go at 9:30 this morning and had it examined quite thoroughly and was then told that an X-ray would have to be made of it. I'll have to go to the hospital for that. I made an appointment, but couldn't have it done until tomorrow. My sister will take me and her friend will pick me up, because my sister has to go to work. 

I wasn't really in the mood to go to the hospital to have an X-ray made, but I'll be good and have it done. My personal helper talked me into it. I needed some convincing. It upsets my day and I don't like anything upsetting my day. I don't like my schedule changed. I like for everything to be predictable and normal, but I'll be alright once it's done. It will be a huge relief. 

The doctor said I had quite a wound, but that it was healing really well. I didn't say that I let my dog lick it clean and that's why it looked so good. She would have come at me with a huge injection needle. 

This morning there were suddenly workmen outside my living room windows digging up the sidewalk. They dug down to the water main. They did what they had to do and sometime later some other men came and closed the hole up with new sand and retiled it.They used heavy machinery to do this and Tyke was beside himself with fear or anger. He barked quite a bit. Luckily, they worked fast and got the job done quickly. There was no notice in the mailbox saying why they had shown up like that and what work they had performed. It could have been a terrorist network. Nobody would have been the wiser. 

I've got to take a nap. I'm so sleepy and my knee hurts. I need a rest. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

All is well past midnight...

It's past midnight and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've already slept, but woke up from some awful singing on the radio and the pain in my knee. Yesterday when I was walking Tyke, I slipped on some grating and landed on my knee and hurt it, and since then it has been bothering me. I don't think it is anything serious, but just an irritating pain that makes me hobble a bit. I was wearing my slick ankle boots, thinking I could because there was no snow or ice, but an accident sits in a small corner, as we say here.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day, except for that, and it went by quickly. My personal helper was here in the morning and, because I wanted to make sure that we had some useful things to do, I had saved up two chores. She jokingly told me that she was very grateful for that and that there was nothing wrong with a good talk over a cup of coffee. The next time I will do those chores by myself, as I'm perfectly able to. I very naively thought it would give us something to do besides talk, but apparently that is enough.

I also called the dog salon to make an appointment to have Tyke trimmed and he will be going there Wednesday next week. It's about time too, because I'm almost to the point that I have to put little ribbons in his hair and that would make him look like a girl dog. I'm sure he wouldn't like that if he understood it. I hope my knee is better by that time so I can take him.

The domestic help was here in the afternoon and very nicely cleaned the apartment. I sat in my bedroom with the animals for part of the time that she was here and listened to the radio. There was a politician on from the extreme right party, who was not following the party policy and keeping young Muslim women from entering the work force and therefor had been kicked out of the party. These are interesting times. He could not get a subsidy to set up a fledgling program because, according to party policy, he would have had to vote down his own proposal.  You learn something new every day. You don't hear these things on the 6 o'clock news.

I'm drinking cold lemonade now and very welcome it is too. I was very thirsty, but I think the coffee makes me so. It does dehydrate you. Every time I get up to get something, I limp for the first few steps until my knee gets adjusted to be in that position. It makes me look very poorly. 

I am going to try and go back to sleep in a while, but I feel amazingly awake. I don't think a person is supposed to be this awake in the middle of the night. It's not normal. I must start longing for my bed and that warm duvet. I am a little bit cold sitting here. Doubtlessly that's from the cold lemonade too, but it does make me long for a warm and cozy place.

Have a good morning when you get up or a good night when you go to sleep. Whichever applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora