Saturday, March 31, 2012

Madly relaxing...

I had to make myself some coffee instead of taking a nap because I didn't want to go to sleep at this time of the afternoon. I want to save my tiredness for tonight when I want to do as much sleeping as possible in my new bedroom. I still have to get a little used to sleeping there, although this morning I woke up quite assured and didn't feel at all uncomfortable. All my familiar things were around me and the animals were there also. 

Just now I was yawning something awful and I had run completely out of steam, but the coffee is giving me my second wind. I knew it would help me if I just got the energy together to make a pot. I had to motivate myself to go into the kitchen to do it. That's how bad a shape I was in. Luckily, there was enough coffee left in the jar and I didn't have to open a new package because that would have been too much work. 

I got brave and put together the bed for the guest room. It was quite a job and it was more work than I had anticipated. It is a metal bed and looks like an old fashioned iron one. It was quite heavy to handle on my own. The dog helped me and I think he took off with some nuts and bolts. The second page of the instructions was missing so I had to figure out the final part myself. Using logic I think I managed quite well. It seems to be pretty solid. 

I thought about putting together the dresser as well, but I had really run out of steam and enthusiasm. The flatpacks that it came in were quite heavy and hard to move around. I felt discouraged and decided not to do it and maybe save it for tomorrow. Another problem is that I've now got all this packing material and I don't immediately know what to do with it. 

I felt my headache come back and didn't want to push my luck. The anti-inflammatory medicine for it works well, but I don't think I'm supposed to do these sort of actions. I'm a stubborn woman and get myself into trouble. Luckily, I was smart enough to stop on time and to not push myself to the edge. I did have to switch gears and tell myself to take it easy for the rest of the day. There's nothing like giving yourself wise advise when there's nobody else around to do it. 

The dog was very loveable when I sat down and took a breather. He kept putting his paw on my hand so I would pet him and he couldn't get close enough to me. He moaned and sighed in ecstacy. I suppose we needed to bond again after I had been so busy and pre-occupied. He is a sweet animal and oh so attached to me. 

The cat likes the new bedroom and spends all her time sleeping on the pillows of my bed. It's like to her there's never been a better place to lie down. It is nice that the door to the patio is right there. She can exit in the shortest amount of time. She slept on top of my head during the night. 

I've got vanilla ice cream and after eating enough to fill me, I was really done with it and haven't had anymore. This is really surprising because I thought I would finish it in a hurry. It wasn't as good as I remembered it. It wasn't the satisfying experience that I hoped it would be. Maybe it would be a lot more fun to have a big sundae in the ice cream parlor. I think I will save my ice cream moments for that. 

I hope you're all having a good day.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Sometimes no change is no good...

I woke up with a headache and I've still got it so I've just taken a paracetamol. Hopefully it will start to work shortly. This is the same headache that I've been battling almost non stop for the past 12 days. I did have one day of relief when I thought it was gone but it seems I was mistaken. It was only a temporary absence of the worst pain. I was too much of an optimist like I have a tendency to be. 

I do have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I hope he can give me some medicine to cure it. Actually, I hope he will tell me that I've got a bug and give me an anitbiotic. Having a headache all the time is tiring. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. The novelty has worn off by now. 

Other than that I'm in a good enough mood because today the spare bedroom gets cleaned out. I'm looking forward to that very much and can't wait for the job to be done. It will mean that I'll have some cleaning to do but hopefully my domestic help will be able to pitch in tomorrow. I know the floor is going to need a lot of cleaning and it's rather dusty in there, so it's going to need a bit of elbow grease. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and it sure is making me feel good. I was very thristy and the coffee had made me more so. The milk makes me feel cold, that's true, but it soothes my stomach and makes my head feel better. The coldness helps the pain. There's probably something to be said for putting an ice bag on your head when you're having a headache. Unfortunately I have no such thing and no ice cubes. The ice cube tray got a big split in it and I threw it away. I have yet to buy a new one.

I'm sitting here in my warm bathrobe which needs to be washed again and I will put it in with the next load of laundry. This bathrobe does take a beating because I hang out in it so much. I spill things on it and wipe my hands on it and basically treat it badly. It's a very comfortable piece of clothing and I'm very fond of it. I hope I'll have it for a long time even though it's too big on me. Maybe that's the comfort of it. It has two big pockets in which I put a multitude of things and every once in a while I clean them out. At least I always have a tissue handy. 

I'm starting to yawn and need to think about going back to bed. It's with some reluctance that I do that because I'm not nearly ready to go. I like sitting here too much in the cozy semi darkness and I've just poured myself another glass of milk. I do want to finish it first and smoke another cigarette. 

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

And all the king's horses...

I'm sitting here feeling in a pretty good mood, although I have no special reason to, but I suppose you don't always have to. I guess you can have a pretty good mood just for the hell of it. Maybe all the right ingredients are in place to make me feel this way and I'm not even realizing it consciously. If so, I'm grateful for it and will take full advantage of it as long as the situation exists. 

There's one thing I do know and that's how to count my blessings, even if they are small and quite accidental. I look for them whenever I can and praise all of them. I never take anything for granted. God forbid that I should be ungrateful. I'm always thankful enough when things turn out well as they often do and count my luck along the way. Even when things don't look good, they always end up okay in the end. As a rule, of course. There are exceptions.

I'm not Pollyanna and I don't look at the world through rose colored glasses, although I may be accused of that. It's possible that I'm just naive enough for it. I refuse to see life differently, unless my own black mood dictates it, but then it is of a temporary nature and it doesn't reflect my normal state of mind which is a lot sunnier.

I've had my cups of coffee and they've woken me up enough. I was a little bit discombobulated when I got up but now I'm more than wide awake enough. It's a pleasure to feel so sharp witted, although that is only relatively speaking. I wouldn't want to have to complete a series of difficult tasks right now, Turning out a post is hard enough. I do have to think of amusing enough things to write about to entertain my public. 

It's very possible that the anonymous caller didn't call me at midnight. I normally wake up from the phone ringing and I didn't this time for which I'm very grateful. Hopefully he's gotten tired of calling me because I don't answer the phone anymore after I couldn't get anything out of him. If it is a him. The phone calls started right when I got my new land line and I can only hope that he's got the wrong person. He sure was persistent.

The dog woke me up by licking my hands and face. He had to go out back. It wasn't cold outside and it was a pleasure to stand by the open back door and get some fresh air. It was a clear night out and a lot of stars were visible. I always imagine what it would be like to be out in the countryside and see the night sky then. I'm sure it would be beautiful. You miss a lot of stars when you're in town because of the light polution.

I have to go back to bed and finish sleeping because tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. I do have to get enough sleep before that time. I've been drinking ice cold milk and settling down a bit. It agreed pretty well with my stomach and quenched my everlasting thirst. 

Goodnight everyone. 


Thursday, March 22, 2012

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.