No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Do wishes come true?

For the past two days I've felt utterly depressed and I've done almost nothing but lie in my bed and wait for time to pass until it was over, all the while believing that it never would be. I felt incapable of getting dressed or combing my hair or doing anything in the apartment. I fed myself sporadically and drank milk and coffee whenever the mood struck me. I was not able to write a post and vowed never to write another one.

A while ago I woke up in a better mood and although I'm still daunted by everything, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel a little bit. I still don't quite know how I'm going to make it through today, but I'm less worried about it now than I was before. Somehow I will manage it in the best possible way. It may be a very convoluted way, but I'll get through it somehow. I will take the best possible care of myself that I can and not feel guilty in the process. 

I suppose I'm not done rapid cycling at all and I wonder when I will be or if this is my fate. I sincerely hope not because it's very difficult to live with. It's very difficult to be unstable and to not be able to count on a steady mood. It makes me feel very insecure.

This was just a sign of life. I'm going back yo bed. It's where I most like to be. 

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal once again....

I think I'm in a good enough frame of mind now to take a good look back at the past several days and see that I was probably in a hypo-manic state which I didn't come out of until yesterday afternoon after I finally slept for about five hours. I had been sleep deprived until that time and not in a position to think clearly. 

I looked back on it with some horror, but realized that I had not done anything too stupid and that all of my actions were easily able to be set straight. I had not made any really big guffaws that involved other people and would require a lot of explanation. Nor had I spent a lot of money. I was saved by the bell again. 

I remember feeling very good at the beginning of this period of madness, but becoming quite agitated as it continued and feeling very uncomfortable with it. Exhaustion was starting to show through and I could hardly keep up with myself, but felt compelled to nevertheless until I literally collapsed in my bed.

I built in a day of rest yesterday and took it very easy. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, so I added a lot of rest periods and periods of silence and patience. I avoided anything that was too stimulating and avoided the computer most of all because that's where I had spent all my time. 

I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel now and to not let things get out of hand again. I know what the pitfalls are and am going to avoid them.

My psychiatrist had warned me that I would have mood swings, but I had not expected them to be so severe. I really had not been properly prepared for this and was taken by surprise. I thought I was merely starting to feel better. Not that I was going to shoot into the sky like a rocket. 

Now I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee trying to be as mellow and calm as I can be. I'm accepting this period in the night for what it is and that is a time out before I go to bed again to finish sleeping, which I will hopefully have the sense to do. I don't want to become so cocky that I will stay up again until morning and decide that I don't need to sleep. I'm not home free yet.

Ultra rapid cycling is an unpredictable monster that you don't want hiding in your closet. I hope I'm done with it quickly and I assume I'm bothered by it now because of the increase in my antidepressants. It must be my body's way of adjusting to the new dose. Hopefully I've seen the worst of it now and a warned woman counts for two. 

The night is very quiet and serene. Thunderstorms and rain with winds were predicted, but none has come of it. It's just as well. I doubt that anyone was ready for another deluge. The last time, roads and cellars were flooded and trees were blown over. So I don't mind a clear, quiet night at all. I'm sure lots of sighs of relief are being breathed. 

It's very pleasant to be up. I'm enjoying my time of feeling well very much. It's no wonder that I always want this to last as long as possible. These are the most pleasurable hours of the day and night.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Optimism...

If I didn't get up in the middle of the night, I would never write a blog post. At least not in the frame of mind I am in now in the beginning of the springtime when the first buds are starting to show on the hedges and the trees and it's the season in which I start to rapid cycle. The nighttime is when I feel my most sane as opposed to during the day when things are much more tricky and I'm not capable of writing down a sensible word. I tried that yesterday and got absolutely nowhere. 

It's a good thing that I wake up in the middle of the night and sit here with a cup of coffee and feel so sane. At least I can gather my thoughts together and put down something that's worth reading when I'm not capable of that during the day. I haven't figured out yet why that is, but for me is not to know the reason why, I just accept it. It's probably some chemical process that I don't understand and that is the result of the combination of the medicines I take and the sleep I've had so far. Doubtlessly the silence of the night and the relative safeness of it help too. 

I knew this period of rapid cycling was coming up and I wasn't far off the mark when I told my psychiatrist that it would happen in March/April. It's maybe happening a little bit sooner because of the early onset of springtime, but it's mostly due to the increased hours of daylight and the amount of sunlight. As a result, I'm not that fond of very sunny days when the sun shines in a completely blue sky. I prefer gray and cloudy days with some rain. That's when I feel most happy. They seem to fit my disposition better. 

It's going to be sunny for the next couple of days, so I'm not too thrilled about that, although with my increased dose of medication I may do a lot better. It may not bother me as much. I may be less hyper alert and less sensitive. 

All this talk about my moods doesn't prevent me from writing about other things. I have been keeping track of the national and international news, although I have to say that I'm very sensitive to it now and that it bothers me very much to hear all the negative messages. I worry about what's happening politically in my own country and I worry about what's happening in Libya. On top of that Qaddafi's forces have taken hostage three Dutch soldiers that were trying to rescue a Dutch national and are pretending they were there for evil reasons. I worry about those three soldiers. 

I had to turn off the 8 o'clock newscast last night because I couldn't take anymore after having watched the news a lot during the day. I saw enough politicians' faces to last me a lifetime. Somehow they are going to twist and turn to get everything to go their way and it is not to the good of the people. I'm ready for the opposition to do a coup d'etat. As someone at the bottom of the economic ladder, I feel very insecure. This government is very unkind to the little people. It's a ruthless government and they are capable of anything. I hope it falls apart soon. 

I must think of something happier to write about. I can only think of the animals that bring such joy to my life. Tyke's fur is growing and he is getting some curls in it again. He is starting to look more like his old self. I think he is generally less cold too. When he is asleep, I whisper very quietly, "He is such a good dog," and he perks up his head and starts wagging his tail. He is never so sound asleep that he doesn't hear that.

I've switched Gandhi's food from the store brand kibbles to Gourmet and she likes it very much and seems to barf less often. She's also less interested in eating Tyke's food, so something must have been missing in the old kibbles. 

Today is Friday, but I have no idea what sort of a day it is going to be. It all depends on how well my medicines will work. The domestic help is not coming. I have to do some chores and with a little bit of luck I'll get around to them. 

Have a good day everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora

On a Thursday morning...

I had a heck of a time yesterday because I was rapid cycling. This came after I had been in a not so great mood for a couple of days and that should have been a warning sign that something was up. I had to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet in the afternoon when things really started going badly, but soon after that they improved and I was able to have a better night. 

It is possible that I will have to stay on an increased dose for a while. I seem to be in an unstable period and the dose I am on is not protecting me well enough. I will have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and find out what he thinks about this. It is good that I have the leeway to take an extra tablet if I need it. It really helps. It is better if I have the approval of my psychiatrist. 

Since yesterday was such a crazy day, I can't say much that's sensible about it. I can look back on it now and see that I should have done something about the situation much sooner and that I let things get out of hand. Very often you are not the best judge of your own situation until it's almost too late. Still, you are the only one who knows what's going on inside your own head and you do have to make the decisions. 

I'm planning on having a very quiet day today. I don't want much of anything to happen. I hope the day passes without any events in it. I will walk Tyke and do some chores, but not do anything that is upsetting to my equilibrium. It's nice to be under the impression that you can actually plan a day like that, but I'm going to try my hardest. There's no need to go looking for challenges. I can avoid those as much as possible. 

I wish I had something totally different to write about. I think this is a very uninteresting subject. I can't wait to start the next blog post. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

A pot of strong tea...

It's early in the morning and I've run out of coffee, so I've made a pot of strong tea and it seems to be doing the job of waking me up properly too, which I had not expected, although I hoped it would do something. I've had 2 mugs of tea and feel as wide awake as if I had one mug of coffee. I am much pleased and can't believe it's working. I thought I had to sit here half asleep forever, but it's not true. 

Because I was emotionally so wiped out yesterday, I went to bed at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and slept until some time in the evening, when I briefly got up because I thought I was awake. If I had had coffee then, I would have had some and become awake, but luckily I didn't have any, so in the shortest amount of time I was back in bed and sound asleep until about 4 o'clock this morning. You could say that I slept almost 12 hours and that's a long time for me.

I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday afternoon and have courage again. Yesterday afternoon I was rapidly spiraling downwards and it was not a heck of a lot of fun. I'll spare you the details of how I tried to cope with that. I didn't do anything stupid, but I reached out and touched a lot of people. That's always kind of embarrassing afterwards. I was aided and abetted in this by my personal helper and I have to watch that as she tries her best to rescue me. There can be too much of that too. She becomes an enabler instead of a helper. She starts grasping at straws and has me grasping at them too. I have to keep my own council more.

My personal helper and I are meeting my SPN today. This was at the request of my personal helper who wants to know better how to help me and I think she will be set straight by both my SPN and me, because my personal helper seems to think that I need to be rescued somehow out of a terrible situation. She doesn't realize that I have good people working in my interest. 

Ha! The dull details of my life. Let me think of what else I can tell you. The Exfactor is coming by this morning to do the groceries and it's a good thing too, because I'm running out of things. I'm down to my last little bit of milk and I'm going to drink that shortly, although I must say that the tea doesn't make me nearly as thirsty as the coffee does. So it's true that tea is a great thirst quencher. I'll drink more of it in the future and put a couple of packages on the shopping list. It's called English Tea, but the English probably don't have it. 

Okay, I'm off to other things. 

Have a really terrific day.

Ciao,
Nora

Movement...

I need a lot of coffee, because I'm almost dozing off behind the computer and it's not nearly time to go to bed, although I am more than ready for it to be. I may go early tonight and sleep as long as I can possibly manage to make up for last night when I hardly slept at all. 

Still you would think that all that sleep this morning would have made up for it and the nap this afternoon. Apparently that didn't help at all, or I'm so tired after my little drama that I need extra sleep. I can't forget about it, because my sore wrists remind me of it constantly. I would like to completely put it out of my mind, but I'm afraid I'll have to send an email to my SPN in a little while explaining to her what happened. There's always an aftermath to deal with, isn't there? 

I'm almost embarrassed that I rapid cycled about such a little incident that took mostly place inside my own head and that had such dire consequences for me. I felt I was going to rapid cycle a while ago when the cigarettes were all gone and the coffee spilled over the desk and the ashtray. I felt like breaking down and crying, but then I thought that it was only a temporary setback that could be fixed and I could always go to sleep if I couldn't handle it. Rapidly cycling downwards is like having a nervous breakdown repeatedly. 

Rapidly cycling upwards is like repeatedly finding joy and elation at nothing at all. At just any ordinary thing and getting the most pleasure out of it that you can. Finding ecstasy, even if it lasts for only brief moments, and pure unadulterated joy that lasts for hours. It's like being high on a drug. 

I've had 2 cups of coffee and that is enough. I'm awake again. I mustn't drink any more, because I may not fall asleep tonight.  I am planning on sleeping well and not having a long night up like I did last night. That was so silly, I fell asleep behind the computer with my head on the edge of the desk. I still have a sore spot on top of my forehead. Luckily, I'm not permanently branded by it. I could have fallen asleep on the keyboard too. I wonder what sort of problems I would have gotten the computer into then? I would have given it conflicting messages. I might have had a mess on my hands. 

I was just standing by the back door, letting out Tyke, and it was cold outside. Now I am chilled to the bone and I really need a cup of hot chocolate milk, but I don't know if that works the same as caffeine. Does it? I should just give it a try, because it would warm my stomach and surroundings so nicely. It's practically a meal, a cup of hot chocolate milk. I always feel very full when I've had one. That reminds me of when I used to drink Cup a Soup. That was always very good too. I must get into that habit again now that the weather is colder. 

Well, I'm off to the microwave oven. No pots and pans required. 

Have a nice evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Go lightlly...

 The package that was supposed to get here between 9 and 12 o' clock, got here at 5 minutes before 12. Well, I suppose somebody has to get squeezed in last. I would have been ready to make a phone call at noon if it had not been here, I am that much of a stickler. The poor man did look harried and I forgave him on the spot. I'm sure he does not have an easy job delivering all those packages to uptight people who are waiting impatiently like I was. All those harassed housewives who want to try on their new clothes and other assorted customers whose addresses he has to find.

I took my package into the bedroom immediately before Tyke could rip it out of my hands, because he thinks everything is for him that gets delivered, and got out the black mini skirt and the leggings that I wanted to wear with my new purchases. They are a black T-shirt with a draped neckline and it is draped going down too, so you mustn't pull it down too tightly otherwise you lose the effect, and a very modern looking cardigan that reaches down in long points down the front, which are edged in a braid in the same material and which look very neat. 

So I put that all on right away and my earrings too and felt smashing. It was even better than I had hoped for. I do know which clothes I like and what looks good on me. I zero in on those things right away and instinctively know that I should get them. No, I don't have a big head at all, just a super inflated ego. Ha! You see how incredibly vain I am, don't you? 

I was just outside with Tyke for the second time and it was pretty cold. There was quite a bit of wind and now it has started to rain, so there go my plans to hang up the sheets and pillow cases on the clothing line.

My sister just called me to tell me that she and her boyfriend were going to the thermal baths at the spa and to tell me how cozy they had it last night together with her daughter, while I thought she was calling me to invite me over, because when I answered the phone, I said, "Yes, that will be fine."  She didn't ask me what I meant by that and I felt like a fool. 

I'm afraid I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself right now, because I'm never invited for anything. I'm not included in my sister's very busy social life at any point, while she has so much to go around. The Exfactor also does not include me in his, even though we shared the same people. I think people aren't very generous and are mostly concerned with themselves and don't think what it's like for me to always be alone. Nobody ever thinks, let's ask Irene over, she could use some diversion. 

I'm rapidly cycling downwards now and I'm sitting here crying, but it has a cause. The cause is my pity party. I'm sitting here all dressed up with no place to go and that is what it finally comes down to. It doesn't matter what I look like, there's no one to look at me and tell me I look pretty. 

Ciao,
Nora

So what else is up?

I changed my profile picture because after I cut my my hair, it looks more like that now than it looked like the former. I also think I look younger in it, so my deed was not without second intentions. If I find any pictures in which I look younger still, I'll probably post one of them. I'll have you believe I'm a young middle aged woman yet instead of this aged one. I'll slowly creep back in time and undergo a metamorphosis.

I have hurricane proof hair and it's so hard and spiky that I can poke your eye out. That's just a temporary condition to get it to sit in place this morning. I used hairspray on it when it was still wet and now it's like it's cemented. I have to brush it to get the dangerous elements out and soften it up again. It will definitely stay in place now, there's no danger of even one hair going in the wrong direction or lying down too flat.

I was awakened to the irritating sound of the alarm clock at 8:30. That meant it had been going off for some time, because I had set it for 8 o'clock. I only had slept for two and a half hours, because I had been up the whole night. Somehow I managed to get out of bed and make myself some coffee and drink it quickly so I would come to my senses in the shortest amount of time. I had another cup as fast as I could and I recovered from my stupor in a hurry while I also smoked some cigarettes. All I had to do was get dressed and hop on my bike to go to the clinic to see my psychiatrist. I had one hour and ten minutes to pull myself together before I had to leave. That was enough time to ponder all the bigger questions in life and get dressed.

I had developed a theory about my not being able to sleep during the night and it had to do with a subject that I don't like to think about, let alone discuss on this blog. I always thought that I woke up around 2 am because my sleeping pill was done working and that I wanted to be up because it was the most peaceful time for me to be awake. The fact that I went to bed at 6 am and slept well for a couple of hours, I blamed on the fact that I was trying to postpone the day and all the pressures of it. Until I really tried to sleep through the night and found that such an awful experience and had those awful nightmares.

The theory has to do with the murder of my mother, which to this day is the most shocking and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. My whole life long I had a fear that one day my father would kill my mother. I had this fear since I was a small child and thought I could prevent it from happening. I thought I had the necessary psychological skills and bravery to prevent it. This fear never left me and just before my father actually killed my mother, I felt the fear very strongly.

My father prowled around the house at night very quietly. Some people had said to my mother that she should put a lock on her bedroom door, but for some reason she never did this. I don't know why not. I don't know why she thought she was safe in her sleep when she was in fact at her most vulnerable. My father killed her in the early morning hours, very brutally, with a hammer and a knife. He then smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and after that very calmly called the police and told them what he had done.

I discussed this theory about why I'm not able to sleep during the night with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is very likely that this is the cause of my sleepless nights and that it is something that needs to be worked on very seriously, especially since my dreams take on such gruesome forms.Which goes to show you that some things get easier with time and some things get worse. It all depends on how you've dealt with them.

I made a new appointment and my psychiatrist said that he would inform my SPN whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. He said that considering the circumstances and the fact that I had been rapid cycling, which was his diagnosis, he would not change anything in my medication, as that might bring about the onset of another bout of it.

Writing about this subject makes me very uncomfortable and I feel that I need to move on to something else as quickly as possible. It's like dragging old skeletons out of the closet without getting anyone's permission, but I'm afraid that it's stuck in my head now and I don't know what else to write about. It makes me infinitely sad and I can push that away as I usually do, but it will just put me back into the same position. I am planning on going to sleep at a normal time tonight and I will see what happens. Maybe a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.

I am tired in a really good exhausted way. I feel like I've done a lot of work and am at the end of it, while I'm really only at the beginning.

Have a good night, everyone. 

Ciao,
Nora

Rapid Cycling...

I got up during the night, although I had vowed not to do that. I wrote a post about that experience, justifying it and making it look like it was not such a bad thing to do at all, and that I could really handle it and that it was unlikely to cause me any problems. That post was, in fact, a load of bullshit and I realized that in the morning and deleted it. I know there were people who read it and I'm sorry that they did, because they must have had their doubts about me and my sensibility. 

I did go back to bed after I wrote that post and slept another few hours, but after I had been up for a little while, I rapidly started to cycle downwards into a depression. At first I didn't realize the cause and the effect and I thought I was doomed to have another bad day. I didn't know what to do and thought maybe the medication I was taking was all wrong for me and that all sorts of things about it would have to be changed. 

I walked Tyke and then tried to concentrate on watching some cultural programs on TV, but it didn't alter my mood and I thought, "My God, what's the sense in living?" I took my second batch of medicines and laid down on the sofa, not knowing what else to do. I fell asleep there and slept for 4 hours and when I woke up, my depression was gone and I felt fine. Which goes to show you, like I already knew from past experiences, but had forgotten, that when I'm rapidly cycling downwards, I need to go to sleep and seriously sleep for a couple of hours, deeply and undisturbed. 

I used to have a sign that said, "You are rapid cycling! Go to sleep!" I don't know what happened to it and I will ask the Exfactor to make me a new one. All I know is, that when I'm rapid cycling, I need a lot of sleep, more than usual, 8 hours isn't going to do it, and a disturbed night's sleep is really bad. I need to sleep at least 10 hours if not more. The depression is cured by sleeping. 

So the next time I'm up in the middle of the night and I decide to write a post, and it is a bullshit story justifying my reason to be up, just ignore it. Or better yet, call me on it.

Ciao,
Nora

Feeling much better now.

I was complaining in an earlier post that I was feeling wound up and obsessed, but after my medication started to work and I had two cups of coffee, I feel a lot better and I'm sure it is the combination of both that has saved me. I had not had any coffee since earlier in the day and I'm sure my body and mind were just in need of some, because I seem to thrive on it when it comes to my emotional well being. The medication was very welcome too and it calmed me down and made me feel serene.

Sometimes my mind is like a leaf tumbling in the wind and I don't know from one hour to the next how I will feel and I can go from despair to happiness in a short amount of time. They are very opposite states of mind that I fall victim to. I can be totally alright or completely not alright within the shortest amount of time without anything changing around me. It is an internal process that I hardly understand myself. I am very grateful when everything falls into place again and I feel what I assume is normal. I'm sure there is some ultra rapid cycling going on.

I was ready to go to bed a while ago because I felt so miserable, but now I'm more than able to stay up, even though I've got my pajamas on and my bathrobe. It's still early in the evening and there's no need for me to go to bed already. It is Saturday night, after all, and I am allowed a late night. I should be out in a café drinking beers with my buddies, but I don't have any of those and besides, I would get awfully drunk and not be able to make my way home. I can't see myself riding my bike home at night in an inebriated state. 

I keep running my hands through my newly cut hair and no matter what I do, it falls back into place the way it's supposed to. It's going to be the easiest hair to take care of. I'm looking forward to waking up with it and seeing how well it stayed in shape. Of course, it's going to be so easy to wash. All I have to do is stick my head under the faucet and shampoo it and rub it dry with a towel and it falls into shape automatically. It's a completely natural haircut. I could wash it three times a day if I wanted and I wouldn't have to worry about getting it into the right style.

Because the weather has cooled off considerably, I have to think of some different clothes to wear. I will have to start wearing layers again and I will have a good look in my closet and see what is there to choose from. It's something I look forward to, because I like combining clothes. I don't just like to put on a sweater, but prefer to wear several layers on top of each other that each show beneath the other. I've washed and ironed almost all of my clothes and there is a large selection. I've been wearing my denim skirts again with leggings and boots and it's fun to find tops to go with them. Each autumn I rediscover my clothes and the combinations I can make with them. It's time to be wearing scarves again too. I like to combine my clothes with scarves and I have a small collection to choose from, but one of them is my favorite and it is a green one and goes with a lot of my clothes and I always feel that when my neck is warm, the rest of me is warm too.

I have those really nice suede boots from Esprit and I have treated them against the rain and dirt, but I still won't wear them when it's raining outside. I just don't want to take the chance. I can wear my cowboy boots when it's raining and save the suede boots for dry days. I also have a pair of ankle boots, but I don't think they are going to have a long life. They were cheap and not really made for inclement weather. They are more for show than anything. I will wear them out in no time and have to toss them and have to buy a new pair. I will just have to spend some more money the next time and get a better pair. I do love to wear boots and like them better than shoes, so I'm always happy when the weather permits me to wear them. 

I have a collection of handbags too, but I always end up using the same one, although I do change them on occasion when I think I ought to give the other bags a chance. The one that I always use has the perfect shoulder strap and the perfect compartments to put all my belongings in, although it is not the most attractive handbag that I have. I have some that are much prettier, but they aren't as practical. In some of them, everything gets lost and I spend valuable time looking for my keys or mobile phone. Others don't have a shoulder strap and you have to hold them by the hand and that is such a bother, because if you do try to hang them on your shoulder, they always slide off. Then I have one that is like a backpack and it is really cute, but you always have to get it off your back if you want to get into it and the straps get in the way. So, it's always back to that old stand by, the practical black bag with all the handy compartments. One day I ought to go shopping and find a really good one that I can use for variety. 

You can tell that right now I'm really into clothes and accessories. For some reason that seems to be very important to me right now. Maybe it's because I got a haircut and I feel a little bit like a new woman. Maybe it is just because right now, this moment, I feel good and can concentrate on those things. Sometimes it's good to refocus your energy on the basics of who you are and I am very much my clothes and how well I care for myself. When I am depressed, I don't care about these things so much, so it's with renewed vigor that I do when I feel good.  

I do have to keep an eye on that ultra rapid cycling that I seem to be doing. I'm bouncing off the walls sometimes. I switch moods like a commuter switches trains and all this time I'm trying to find the magic formula to set everything right, while I have no idea what I'm doing half of the time. It's overtaking me like rapidly moving traffic on the highway. I must be very aware. I wish I had an early warning system. Like sirens going off.

My orange juice is all gone and now I'm drinking lemonade, which is very good too. I can drink many glasses of that, but there are a lot of calories in it. It's a great thirst quencher, but very sweet. I'm trying to avoid drinking all the milk, because I have to make it last until Tuesday when the Exfactor will do the groceries. I can't drink water from the faucet, because it reminds me of the time when I was four years old and an older girl tried to drown me. I swallowed a lot of water then. My dislike of water from the faucet has only grown over the years, as do many of those quirks. 

I'm in the mood for an ice cream sundae. It's a shame that it's the wrong time of the day for one. When it's a certain time of the night, cravings can really hit you. I don't get those longings during the day when I could go to the store to do something about it. I always get them when it is impossible, because we don't have a supermarket that's open 24/7. When I lived in California, we would go to the store at night and get whatever we had a craving for. Not that we abused the privilege, but it was nice that we could. I feel that I live a much less spoiled life here.

Tyke's curled up in the red armchair. He thinks it's time to call it a night and he is right, usually I'm in bed by this time. Gandhi is sound asleep in my armchair. It is kind of cozy with both animals asleep and me sitting here by the light of the desk lamp. I can do this for hours more to come, because I'm not in the least bit tired. I always say that just before I'm about to go to bed.   

I will end this now, because it's gotten long enough. I will think about going to bed, though I don't know how I'm going to manage. It may turn into a very late night. 

Sleep tight if it is that time for you. 

Ciao,
Nora