Friday, May 27, 2011

Waiting for the rain...

As is usual, I'm up in the middle of the night with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. The dog is asleep on the coffee table and the cat is asleep on the sofa, which is a more normal place to be asleep on. It's a good thing that the coffee table is so sturdy. In fact, it is just about indestructible and can carry the weight of the dog easily. He must know that as he's sound asleep and totally oblivious of everything. 

He's been on two wild goose chases out on the patio looking for I know not what. He was on the trail of something, possibly a hedgehog. He didn't find anything, but wouldn't come in until I threatened to lock him out. He nearly got stuck in the jasmine bush and it served him right. He's way too curious for his own good. He pretends he badly has to go out and do a piddle, only to go sniffing all over the place and ignoring me when I try to get him to come in. 

The cat's a much simpler creature and takes care of herself. She's so uncomplicated. Except for the occasional mouse she brings in, she's not much trouble. There's a huge difference in the instruction booklets of both animals. You need a bookwork for the dog and a pamphlet for the cat. Cats are self explanatory. They are completely fool proof, excuse the unintentional pun.

Yesterday I put together a new outfit of two unrelated pieces of clothing. It looked good and I was much pleased. It seems I always get lucky with my clothes and am able to mix and match a lot. Maybe it's because I stick to the same basic colors and that the main one is black with which I combine others. I seem to pick autumn colors a lot while originally I'm supposed to be a summer colors person. I think maybe I've changed over the years. 

Purging my closet has made it easier to pick out outfits. I have a much better view of the clothes I have available now. I've put things that were folded on shelves on hangers to give me a better idea of what's there. I have more room to do that now. It helps to get dressed if your closet is organized. There's no hopeless searching through clothes that don't fit or are otherwise obsolete.

It helps that the weather has been cooler because this gives me more chance to wear the clothes that I like best. Skimpy clothes are okay, but not necessarily the ones that I most want to wear. I do like dressing up a bit and I like wearing layers.

Today is Friday and one of the days I enjoy the most. I intend to make the most of it. The domestic help will be here and I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee, but it's really the run up to the weekend and the time I like most. The unstructured time. 

I will be watching a lot of tennis on television at Roland Garros. The weather won't be all that great, so I won't be outside all that much. The temperatures will be low and we're still supposed to get that promised rain that hasn't materialized, but maybe it will today.

I hope you're all having a good night and sweet dreams. 


Thursday, May 26, 2011

An innocent dog...

He is sound asleep in the armchair now and you wouldn't think that he is guilty of waking me up out of a sound sleep, but he is, that darn dog. He had to go out and do a piddle and as a result I am sitting here somewhat grumpy and not quite awake with a cup of coffee. 

He was softly barking at me to let me know that he needed to go out and he couldn't be ignored. It's very irritating to listen to when you are trying to sleep because he keeps it up at a steady pace. There's no rest for the wicked or even for those who have been good as gold. 

Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocents, not even the cat can wake him, and I'm sitting here yawning. But I will be alright after another cup of coffee and not be grumpy any longer. I already feel my mood improve after this first cup. You can't keep a good woman down forever. At least not for the duration of the night.

Speaking of keeping a good woman down, in two weeks time I am going to start decreasing my anti-psychotics in 0.5 mg increments. My psychiatrist has decided that I'm going to do it very slowly so as not to cause any mood disturbances. He said that we should have learned our lessons from the past and not decrease them too quickly. 

I can only concur and agree to this course of action. I want to decrease a total of 2 mg so that will take me several weeks. I'm much less cocky and assured of myself than I was at earlier attempts when I overestimated my ability to decrease them. I think I actually got in trouble because of that attitude. Hopefully this time things will go much better. 

I got a flat tire on the way home from seeing my psychiatrist and had to walk my way home with my bike. Luckily, it wasn't too far. I have to pump up my tire and see if it is a true leak or just a slowly emptying tire. If it is the latter, the tire won't have to be patched, which will save a lot of work. For the Exfactor anyway. 

I had a nice enough day. Nothing too exciting happened, which is fine with me. I like uneventful days for the most part. I talked to both my sisters on the phone and listened to their tales of woe, leaving me feeling frustrated. And then having to push away that feeling because there's nothing I can do about any of it. Their's are ongoing sagas that seem to have no endings. 

That's why I like my life uncomplicated. There's enough excitement in the lives of the people around me. I function as a sounding board. I hear it all. I would hate to have complications in my own life on top of that. I do appreciate the simplicity of my days. 

Yesterday we had beautiful weather. The sky was blue and the sun was shining all day. Today things are going to look a little differently. It's going to be colder and overcast and rainy and it's going to stay cooler for the next couple of days.

That means a change of clothes and I will have to look through my closet and see what is appropriate. Hopefully, something fun will jump out at me. I'm sure there are still forgotten clothes there that I will rediscover.

I've got to go and rediscover my bed. It's time to sleep some more. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Over the hills and through the woods...

That's not really where I'm going. I just felt like saying that. It's in the middle of the night and I'm sure I'm not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 

No, I'm staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That's right here with my dog and cat. 

I've already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I've forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 

I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn't make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 

I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o'clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I'll even have to set the alarm clock.

My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I'm thrilled for her and can't wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 

She's going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it's all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can't think of one. 

The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn't have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn't seem to agree with me very well.

I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I'm planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 

It's going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I'm glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.

As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that's a shame because I'm attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There's no help for it. 

I hope you're all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Soothingly familiar...

I'm enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 

The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that's important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I've already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 

I'm actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn't take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can't have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.

Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 

The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don't think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 

This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can't wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 

During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I'm curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 

We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I'll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That's more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I'm already past his goal. 

Well, I think I'll get ready to go back to bed. I've got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 


Monday, May 23, 2011

The pesky dog...

The pesky dog won't let me sleep. He woke me up by insistently barking at me and if I ignored him, he jumped on the bed and slobbered on my face. It was very obvious that he wanted me to get up. He kept repeating this, because I kept ignoring him, until there was no other recourse but to get up. He had to go out back to do a piddle.

And now, of course, I am up with a cup of coffee, which is really a cafe au lait because it has more milk than coffee in it. Soit, it will suffice. It actually tastes pretty good, but I'm going to have to make some real coffee to get my head straight. I should just go straight back to bed, but I'm too stubborn to do that. I do like sitting here in this half asleep state and try to make sense. It's a challenge.

I don't know why I take on these challenges when It's so obvious that I'm not up to them, unless this real cup of coffee that I'm having now is going to work quickly and set my head straight. It may happen yet. I'm chugging it down and getting ready to have the next one in my eagerness to make sense. Anything to stop me from yawning anyway...

...I just fell asleep for an hour in my desk chair and  I just woke up again. I feel a lot better now. That little nap was just what I needed. I feel completely refreshed. I just got a little bit chilled and I'll have to put on my bathrobe. 

There, I also got a new cup of coffee because the old one had gotten cold. At least I remained upright in my chair and my head didn't hit the keyboard. I was leaning against the backrest of the chair and my chin was resting on my chest. I did pick the most comfortable position to sleep in, although I don't even remember drifting off. 

One of my blogging buddies  said that she applied lotion to her feet every night before she went to sleep and that this gave her very soft feet. I have been thinking about doing the same thing because I have a lot of problems with callouses that are hard to get rid of and I thought maybe the lotion might help that. If I'm good about it and apply it every night, I may get silky soft feet. It would be a good habit to get into.

I also seem to have developed eczema on the fingers of my right hand and am going to have to start applying ointment there. The skin got cracked there and is a little painful. Now I have to remember to apply the ointment in several places and I'm already bad about doing it. It's one of my least favorite jobs. I guess I'd rather scratch than apply ointment. Sometimes I don't take good care of myself. 

I'm equally bad about applying lotion to my arms and legs to prevent dry skin and rough elbows and knees. I do have some very nice smelling stuff that I can apply. I think I'm going to have to develop some new habits and take care of them before I go to sleep at night. They will just have to become new rituals. It's time to turn a new leaf. 


I've completely run out of perfumes and have thrown out all the empty bottles. I used them up quickly and I think I maybe applied them to liberally. I can't help myself, I do like to smell nice. I'm going to have to replenish my supply by going to the discount store and picking out some new ones. I'll have to walk over there one of these days. Right now I'm making do with a very nice smelling deodorant, but there's nothing like a good perfume. I do like it when my clothes smell of it. 


I have to take the bottle of Febreze and spray all the clothes that are on hangers in my closet, even the ones that have recently been washed. It will give them that nice fresh smell that's so nice when I put them on. A lot of my clothes smell like smoke and I can't keep washing them every time I've worn them just once. Some of the clothes are too delicate for that. That's a job I can do this week. 

It has been nice to discover that some size 16 clothes are way too big on me now and that those can go in the piles of obsolete items. It's a bit of a shame not to be able to wear those clothes anymore, but there are others instead that I can wear and that makes up for it. 


I suppose that I will go to bed now as it is late. I will start with my new rituals tonight. I'll get all the lotions out and put them on the bookcase by the bed. Then I'll have no excuse to forget them. I'll turn into a proper woman yet. 

Have a good night and a splendid morning when you wake up. 


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 


My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 


I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 


Saturday, May 21, 2011

How long will it last?

I'm somewhat sleepy headed as I sit here with my first cup of coffee in the middle of the night and I've been yawning nonstop. No doubt another cup of coffee will fix me right up and I will be perky in no time at all. I wish to be perky and not sit here so muddleheaded and in danger of dislocating my jaw every time I yawn. Besides, I do want to be able to make some sense as I write this and not look like a completely misguided woman. I always want to come across as totally sane and sensible. 

Oh yes, I forgot that I had stated that I wanted to be completely honest at all times and that I would show my less positive aspects also. So I don't have to be perfect. I can be muddleheaded and misguided. I'll be it for just a while then until the coffee starts to work. When the caffeine kicks in, I'll be right on track again. 

I'm sitting here with my short hair totally sticking out all over the place. It looks like I've been in a bad storm and it has gotten stuck that way. No amount of brushing will get it in place again. I will have to wash it with a good shampoo to get it to look decent again. I don't know what I do in bed to get it to look that way, but apparently I rub it the wrong way. It's not even static electricity that makes it look like this. I do this all by myself. 

Those are the lesser side effects of having short hair. You very quickly look like a porcupine.

I'm having my second cup of coffee and the yawning is lessening. I do think I'm becoming more clearheaded. Any minute now I'm going to break out in a song and dance routine. 

Well no, I don't think it will be as bad as that. I'm not known for quite that much exuberance. It would cost me an awful lot of effort. It would probably knock the wind right out of me. I don't think I will ever do a tap dance and I can only sing in the shower. 

I almost forgot to be happy that today is Saturday. Isn't that wonderful? I have most of my chores done and the day to myself. It really and truly will be a weekend day to enjoy as I please and as far as I know, the weather is going to be decent also. We're supposed to have sunshine all day. 

In a way, that's not so good because we ought to have some rain to replenish the rivers and canals and groundwater supply. We do officially have a drought now, so we don't hope for a long hot summer. On the contrary, we wish for rain. The dikes along the rivers and the canals are drying out and that may cause a break and a flood and some of them are now artificially kept wet. The Netherlands are not a wet country anymore.

It's with some amount of anticipation that I look forward to going back to bed. It will be nice to lie in the semi dark and listen to the radio before I drift off to sleep again. 

It will be equally nice to choose which clothes I'm going to wear today. I'm still looking for that unfindable cardigan. I have yet to figure out what I've done with it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I'm planning on having a very nice one. God forbid anything should stop me from having it. 


Friday, May 20, 2011

No depth to them tonight...

I didn't have any deep existentialist thoughts when I woke up tonight, which is just as well as I don't want to overburden my mind too much, although it did give me some blog fodder yesterday. It gave me a subject to write about anyway, while now I'm going to have to pull a rabbit out of my hat, so to speak. Writing cold turkey, with nothing specific on my mind, is a real challenge and I don't know if I can pull it off. 

There, I've already mentioned two animals that I'm not in possession of. A rabbit and a turkey and they are both good to eat. I can testify to that. I ate them both when I was still eating meat and could very easily eat them again, except that my conscious would bother me too much, but I sure did enjoy the taste of them. 

I generally like eating meat, providing it is cooked well and doesn't remind me of the animal too much. I dislike cold luncheon meats, especially if it has bits and chunks in it, but I do like ham as it is unrecognizable and tasty. But of course, I don't eat any of it anymore, except for the chicken in chicken and pasta soup. 

I do make an exception for that. I figure I need the little bit of protein I get from it and it is good for me. I can't be a full time saint. I find it difficult to be the best kid in the class all the time. I try to ignore the hopeless fate of the chickens as much as possible when I eat the soup. 

Actually, my favorite dish to eat when I still ate meat was roasted quail and lobster. I would have walked a mile for it. It was finger licking good and very decadent. I think I will have it for my last meal. The lobster at any rate, dipped in melted butter. Oh, I get hungry just thinking about it. I'm a principled meat loving vegetarian.

Well, let's talk about something other than food or I'm going to have to raid the refrigerator. Not that there are very exciting things in there. I do take care that there aren't. There are only the basics in there and nothing really decadent at all. You will find no Belgian bonbons there, icy cold and ready to pop into my mouth. Or ice cream in the freezer. There's chocolate pudding there, but I save that for dessert. It's a rule. 

Some rules about food can't be broken and I live by them as strictly as I live with my own particular day and night schedule. I eat certain things at certain times of the day and I sleep and take naps at certain times of the day and night. I find that predictability is the most comfortable and what I'm the most at ease with. If I do things at certain preset times, I'm most likely to get through the day and night successfully.

I'm having a tall glass of ice cold milk now and it usually takes care of any cravings I have, whatever sort of a craving it is. My taste buds and stomach get fooled into thinking they're having something really good and are satisfied, Isn't that an easy solution? I lose my longing for ice cream right away and I don't need to eat bonbons because my stomach gets full. 

There, it all started out with a rabbit and a turkey and that's where I'll end and I'm so not hungry for them now. These are the deepest thoughts I had tonight. They were all about food and for a change not about clothes, which is another subject I like to write about. More on that later, no doubt. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. I was dressed almost warm enough yesterday. It was a bit chillier than I expected. It will be again today. It's hard to decide what to wear. I hope you have nice weather.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Who I am and what I do...

I was slowly waking up and lying in bed with my eyes closed and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Who are you?" I thought that was too deep a question to have in the middle of the night and I could not answer it. I dismissed it quickly from my mind and got up to let the dog out. That was a less cerebral activity for me to take care of rather than think existential thoughts. 

I put on my bathrobe and made a pot of coffee. I turned on the computer and answered emails and read other people's blogs. The whole time I did that, I ignored that thought I'd had when I first started waking up. Now that I'm done with all those activities it's begging to be answered, but I'm loathe to answer it because how can I? 

How can I say who I am in a few easy sentences? I'm either going to have to dismiss the question all together or write an autobiography and that's way too much work. I don't know why I had that thought in the first place and what an odd one to have first thing when you still have your eyes closed and your mind starts to wake up.

I suppose I found myself alone in my bed and became aware of my solitariness as a human being in the great world. I realized I was just a tiny little cog in a very large machine and that I counted for hardly anything at all. I must have thought this in a split second in the darkness before I opened my eyes. I guess I felt my aloneness as all human beings eventually feel theirs.

I thought you didn't feel that until your dying hour and I suppose I felt it prematurely for some reason. I don't know if I had a dream just before it. I don't remember one. All I remember is darkness and silence, as if I had been out in the universe where someone had forgotten to turn the stars on.

Do we have to say who we are after we die? Is there a question that we have to answer? Do we have to say that we were the best possible human being we could have been? What if we chastise ourselves for all the things we didn't do? Are we forgiven?

I'm still discovering who I am, although I have a strong suspicion that I knew who I was a long time ago before life got a hold of me and filled me with my neuroses. Add some deep seated psychological pain and you've got the end product. Well, not the end product. It isn't over until the fat lady sings and she's nowhere in sight. I'll go listen to her aria at the very end. Until that time I've got a lot of work to do. 

I hope you all are having a good night. I'm going to sleep some more shortly. I hope I don't get anymore existential questions. One of those every now and then is enough, although it does give you food for thought. That's not too bad. 


Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I suppose that's best to describe the benign feelings I have right now about the world  in general, though not about all things in specific, but I'll not let myself be bothered about them right now. I want to have nothing but benign feelings, pushing away the effects of the less happy news items I watched on television last night. If they are all true, they make me feel very jaded indeed and I want none of that right now. 

I do want to enjoy my few hours of peace and quiet in the darkness and silence of the night and believe in the general goodness of mankind, though it is hard to pull the wool over my own eyes. It requires a state of oblivion that even I don't know I'm capable of. I'm going to give it my best try, though. 

The face of one man is etched in my mind right now and that is the face of Dominic Strauss-Kahn and I wonder how he is doing in his single prison cell on Wicker Island. I want the allegations to not be true, but I'm afraid they are and I'm ever so sorry about that. It bothers me to no end that a man in his position would steep so low.  I suppose I feel an enormous amount of disappointment. This isn't about having extra-marital affairs anymore. This is about rape and it's very serious. 

Enough said about that. I have to find something equally true and honest in its place. Something to offset it. Something of beauty and elegance. That's hard to come by in this world. I suppose I'm looking for a hero and I can't find one at this moment. I need a Nelson Mandela.

I suppose that I don't feel as benign as I thought I did, though I wish to. I worry about men in power abusing their privilege. It's been shown that the brain activity of people in power changes and that they take bigger chances and do things ordinary people would not. They are risk takers. This goes for women in power as well as men. Women are more subtle, though. They don't have a penis in their pants with which they have to assert themselves. 

I'll gently return to the night and it's peacefulness. If I sit here so silently, it's hard to imagine that there's a big complicated world out there. I can make my own world as small as I like. I can make it as small as the light of my desk lamp reaches. I can forget about yesterday and the day that is to come. All I have to do in a while is go back to bed and sleep. I don't even have to dream about unpleasant things, at least, I hope not. 

On another subject, the book I'm reading, 'Loot and other stories,' is not fascinating me at all, but then again, not many books are lately and I never seem to be able to finish one. I will have to go in search of another book that will hopefully grab my attention well enough. I do still have enough to choose from on the bookcase. It's a shame to leave all these books unread, but maybe some day in the future I will go back and finish them.

Today actually brings nothing complicated with it. It is a day of no consequence at all. I can make it as simple as I want and I am grateful for that. I will do some simple chores and generally take care of my mental health, which has for the most part been good. I'm not going from one extreme mood to the other, but am mostly positioned somewhere in the middle range. You have no idea what a relief that is. I'm not in the bouncy castle.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning when you get up. We're actually going to have good weather. 


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.


Monday, May 16, 2011

That gosh darned dog!

The darn dog woke me up from a sound sleep. He decided he needed to go out back for a piddle or two. When he came in again, he decided that he was hungry, so I had to feed him something until he was satisfied and went to sleep. By that time I was wide awake and not ready to go back to bed, as I never am under these circumstances. 

I made myself a cup of heated up coffee and made the best of it. I'm going to have to make some real coffee next, though, because this stuff is undrinkable and I'm worthy of better. It will do to get the first cobwebs out, but it's no good for my enjoyment. And my enjoyment comes first after Tyke has been settled down. 

I was sleeping very nicely under the good smelling sheets. They had still not lost their good scent from having been dried outside. I was having a dream that I remembered fleetingly when I woke up, but that totally has escaped me now.

I've been having very interesting dreams lately and my body mimics the actions I perform in my dreams. I wake up that way. If I dream I hold a paintbrush, I wake up with my fingers positioned that way.

I dream that I travel all over the world, to the very edge of it, at the danger of falling off. I go to Tierra del Fuego and it's barren there and unwelcome. All the natives have been decimated. Hardly anyone lives there.

I go to places that don't exist, that are on the edge of an imaginary map, like Columbus did. They're dangerous and hostile places with only a single airfield and not much else.  The ground is about to break up and we are going to fall through it.  You have to walk lightly there. 

It's probably a reflection of the insecurity I feel every day about being in this place. I never quite feel safe and at home. There's always this undercurrent of hostility I feel. I'm a stranger in a strange land.

I've made myself a fresh pot of coffee and very nice it tastes too. You wouldn't believe the difference between it and the old heated up coffee. Or maybe you would. It's so nice to treat yourself decently, especially in the middle of the night when it really counts. When you are having your best hours. 

I still like being enveloped by the darkness that is the night and many times I don't wish for it to end. But that is mainly because I don't want the day to start with all of its obligations. The inevitability of having to see people and having to perform chores can seem oppressive. Actually, when I do these things during the day, they never turn out to be as bad as I imagined them to be, but there's always a level of discomfort and a relief when they're all done and gone. 

I have a growing dissatisfaction with my personal helper. I think she is too negative and not such a good influence on me and I feel very often that I determine the fate and outcome of our meetings instead of her. I don't quite feel that I can rely on her to make the best decisions. I feel very much that I have to take the lead into my own hands and know best myself. She's not much of a help anymore. As a matter of fact, she can be a hinder. 

Not everybody in the world has equal amounts of common sense, not even when they have the diplomas to go with it. You do have to take care who you put your trust in. I have to be my own sage. My own wise woman. Foolish people abound. Not everybody who tries to do you a service actually does. 

I will go back to bed eventually and determine in the morning what I'm going to wear. It's not going to be a very warm day. It's only going to be 58F and rainy. I think I've got just the outfit that's good for that kind of weather. I must be comfortable at all costs. I've got just the pair of pants for that. 

Have a nice morning or a nice evening, which ever timezone you're in. 


Sunday, May 15, 2011

My morning coffee...

For a change I slept through the night again and I'm much pleased. It always feels like such an accomplishment when I do. Going back to bed after I've let the dog out back in the middle of the night is quite an achievement, especially if I'm grumpy when I do and I really want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I was able to resist the urge and go back to sleep. 

It is raining as I write this and as you know, I don't mind that one bit. I'm very warm and cozy inside by the light of the desk lamp with my bathrobe on. I can think of worse things that could happen. Rain is not one of them. The dog is not nearly ready to go out and is sound asleep on the sofa. We can wait to go for a walk until this shower is over. Besides, we need the rain on our dusty and dry earth. I hope things get good and wet. 

I looked through the shelves in my closet yesterday and found many clothes that were to big. They were added to the already large stacks of other clothes that I had already taken out. I found some things that would fit and washed them and they are hanging on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I've really decimated my wardrobe. It's sad when you see what's left over. I shouldn't complain, though. There's enough left to put together lots of outfits for now and I only have to worry about what I'm going to do in the wintertime. I'll have to get some warmer clothes before that time. Not much, but something anyway. 

I'll no doubt lose more weight before that time, so no action is required on my part now. I want to lose 5 kilos, but at the moment I'm not losing any weight. I'll probably have to decrease one of my medications if I want to and that's going to happen some time in the near future according to my psychiatrist. As soon as I'm stable enough, we're going to give it a try. 

I've been stable for about two weeks now and that's not a very long time yet. I'm grateful for it, though. It's so much easier not to have those terrible ups and downs anymore. Those are the hardest things to deal with. It's the unpredictability of the moods that makes it so difficult. It's great when everything is on an even keel again and I'm pretty much stable throughout the day. 

I watched the Eurovision Song Festival last night and listened to many mediocre songs. The songs I really liked didn't get the votes I hoped for. A typical song festival song won. That was predictable, of course. It is said, though, that the song festival does more for European cohesion than politics ever could. That's something anyway. You wouldn't think so with all the Eastern European countries voting for their neighboring countries. 

Tonight is the football match for the national championship. It will be very exciting to watch. I'm for FC Twenthe, of course. I couldn't be for Ajax. I have to be for the Saxons with their familiar accent. It's in the genetics. I'll either watch it on television or listen to it on the radio with the danger that I'll fall asleep during it. I still have to make a decision about that. It depends on how late I want to stay up. 

The sun just came out and it's a good time to end this epistle. I'll have to take the dog out shortly. I still need to take a shower and wash my hair before I'm presentable.

Have a good day all of you.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Sipping hot coffee...

I greet this day as if it's supposed to be some sort of important day, but really, I have no idea why it should be. Am I forgetting something important? Is it a holiday somewhere in the world? Somebody enlighten me, please. I feel in a celebratory mood and there must be a reason for it. 

If not celebratory, then at least as if it is cause for a solemn occasion that requires a ceremony. Something like that. Like there ought to be church bells ringing and incense burnt and candles lighted. Maybe the news today will enlighten me. May the 14th, people. What can it be?

In the meantime, I'm sipping hot coffee in the middle of the night as is my usual ritual. The coffee packs a punch. I made it very strong on purpose. I wanted a good kick in the rear end to really wake me up. To really get the cobwebs out. 

I got what I asked for and the coffee blasted them out. I've got mouth puckering cups of it. Nice and strong and bitter. They taste like espressos. I haven't created such a nice artificial high in quite a while. 

I'm also celebrating the fact that Blogger is on the air again. It was hard to do without for 24 hours. I didn't quite go through withdrawal symptoms, but I came close. I was ready to go straight back to bed if there was no connection. I didn't even make coffee until I was sure that there was. That must explain why I made the coffee so strong. It is celebratory coffee. 

The Exfactor was here yesterday and told me he is going to be moving house next week. He will be moving into town again so he will be a lot closer than he is now, which will be more convenient for him and for me.  He does all of his major errands in town and he is here several times a week. That takes up a lot of his time and fuel for his motorcycle. 

Needless to say, he's going to be very busy next week and I have to find out another way to get my groceries. I may have to call in my sister's help or do them on my own. I don't know how brave I'll be yet. If I do them on my own, I won't be able to get them all at once like the Exfactor does. I'm not strong enough to haul that many groceries around on the bike. 

First I've got to enjoy the fact that today is Saturday and a day off. I'm going back to bed in a while to finish sleeping and I hope to sleep late. I will have to miss whatever cultural programs are going to be on television. I only have visions of going back to bed now and I'm yawning. It will be nice to make it a leisurely morning as far as the dog is going to co-operate with that. He may have different plans.

I have to find some completely different clothes to wear in the morning as today it's not going to be very warm. It's only going to be 60F and we're going to have spotty showers. That means warmer clothes with long sleeves and not the skimpy things I've been wearing.

I've taken two thirds of the clothes out of my closet as being to big to wear. It's been decimated. I'll slowly have to build up a wardrobe again. 

Right, I'm off to bed. I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. 



Thursday, May 12, 2011

In which I do laundry...

I thought I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep last night and stayed up past my bedtime, but then, with visions of hypo-mania in my head, I went to bed anyway and duly went to sleep. Of course, I'm awake a few hours later, but that's my normal routine and I will go back to bed in a while when I've written this post. To make a long story short, I'm doing what comes natural. 

Yesterday evening, I took a load of clothes out of my closet and washed them and hung them up lovingly to dry on the rack in the bathroom. On there were three summer tops that I had not worn yet, but that I hope will fit me now. 

I will do that again today and wash more clothes and purge my closet of things that are too big on me at the same time. I will wash all the clothes that I think will fit me and have a clean wardrobe. It is with a lot of joy that I do this because in the process I'm rediscovering clothes that I had forgotten about. They were waiting for me to shrink into them.

Besides, there's nothing better than wearing clean clothes and having everything neatly hanging on hangers no longer interspersed with clothes that are obsolete. It will be the biggest purge yet. You just can't imagine how much fun this is. Or maybe you can and you know exactly what I'm talking about. If so, more power to you. 

Today I will wear a red paisley see through tunic with a black silky tank top underneath it on top of my black Capri leggings. It will be fun to wear and hopefully it won't be too cold. I will be defiant and wear it anyway, though. I'm in the mood for it. It's a new discovery. 

You see how my every thought is taken up by my clothes right now. I think it's a harmless occupation and I get that way now and then. It must serve its purpose. It does mean that I care about the state of my closet and the way I look. I tell myself that those aren't bad things.

I had to take my stud earrings out last night because one earlobe had become infected. I think I had the earring in too tight because I had a hard time getting that one out. It was a bit of a struggle to get it off. I have a very sore earlobe and I will have to put ointment on it until it gets better and not wear any earrings for a while, which makes me feel undressed. Under dressed, I should say. 

I will have to wear a necklace instead so as to not feel so naked. I've got enough of those to choose from, or maybe I will wear a summer scarf. There are some options anyway. I haven't worn a scarf in a while and it will be an interesting addition to my outfit. It will make my neck feel warm anyway.

My hair is still as funky as ever and I woke up with the perfect hairdo this morning. I am glad that I don't have to wash it so often because washing my hair a lot is bad for my eczema. The more I wash it, the more I itch. Damp conditions are not good for it. They don't tell you that at the doctor's office. It's for you to find out on your own. Desert air would be good for it, I think.

I'm off to raid my closet and do the next load of laundry. I will start a bag of unwanted clothes. Orphaned clothes. I don't know if I will get rid of them. I may hang on to them just in case of a catastrophe. I may suddenly, for unknown reasons, gain 10 kilos, god forbid. But I mustn't jinx myself. 

I hope you'll all have a good day with many pleasant surprises in it and beautiful weather. It still looks overcast over here, but no doubt it will clear up as soon as the sun gets hot enough. 


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

...and then it was morning.

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don't need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I'm enjoying every cup that I drink. 

I do know a good thing when I have it and I'm grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I'm careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 

I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that's the point I was trying to make. 

I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser's chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don't pay attention to them and I don't think of what other people see.I think that's for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she's going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I'm fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.

I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I'll still have my psychiatrist, although he's less good for the emotional issues. I'll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I'll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 

The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won't be for another hour. It's supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 

Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn't bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That's turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it's great fun, but I don't think so. 

I hope you'll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you're about to go to bed, sleep tight. 


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

...and then I woke up.

It's in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here with a very nice cup of coffee, For some reason it turned out just right. Sometimes you just get lucky, I guess. That makes me wonder how much of my coffee making is still guesswork and how much of it is craftsmanship. I think the former may have a lot to do with it. It's called: eyeballing it and sometimes I get it just right. 

It's all in the hesitation of adding another spoonful of coffee to the measured amount of water. Do I or don't I? Well, yes I will, but not too much. You see how I will never get it down to a perfect formula because there's also the amount of milk in the cup to consider. I pour this in before I add the coffee so as not to have to stir it. I have to get that just right also depending on the size of the cup. The coffee does have to taste milky, but can't get lukewarm. 

I'm so nit picky.  I do have my peculiarities and some things have to be just so. I don't even like for someone else to pour me a cup of coffee because I'm afraid they won't get it just right and that will bother me. I won't enjoy the coffee as much. And enjoying a cup of coffee is important. It's just as important as having a good meal. 

I suppose the one person I would trust to get me the perfect cup of coffee would be my daughter, but I don't know why that is. For some reason I think she would get it just right. I think she would understand the importance of a good cup of coffee and would take perfect care. 


I just had to rescue a mouse from the claws of the cat. She was playing with it in the hallway and I heard it squeaking. Luckily, it didn't seem too badly damaged. I released it out back. Yesterday, both the cat and the dog were playing with a mouse that seemed badly damaged before I could rescue it. I set it free, but I had no high hopes for it. The dog seems to do more damage than the cat. He's much rougher with them. It seems the animal kingdom is alive and well outside, but it's not safe. Not with those two monsters I have.


The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I've started a list on the white board, but I keep getting the idea that I'm forgetting something crucial. It will probably come to me after the groceries have been done. 

I know that I want him to buy me some cheese crackers. I want to try those instead of the plain crackers I've been eating. I crave something hearty and salty. That must be instead of the meat I'm not eating, although I crave that too. I would love to eat a pork chop.

I have to see my SPN this afternoon. It's been a month, I think, since I saw her, so it's about time. I've got a lot to discuss with her and will be able to fill the hour well.

It will be interesting to see what I'm going to wear today because it's going to be a lot cooler than it has been. I will have to find something completely different to wear. It will be my pleasure, as that has never been a problem. I do enjoy a dive into my closet. I have a vague idea already, but I don't know if it's going to work out. It all depends on if the top matches the skirt and which shoes to wear. 

Isn't it great to have that sort of minor problem? It isn't even really a problem. It's life completely simplified. Oh, and I must call the hairdresser today to make an appointment. I wish everything in my life was so easy. I suppose some people live those kinds of lives. Uncomplicated ones without worries about moods and money. 

I'm not in the least tired, although I should go back to bed and get some more sleep. Maybe if I take my medicines now I will get sleepy. It's worth a try. I wouldn't know what else to do so early in the morning. I'm not in the mood to read my book. I prefer lying in bed and listening to the radio, but it would be nice if I dozed off again.

I hope you'll all have a good day. We may have some rain and we need it. 


Monday, May 9, 2011

On a hot Sunday in May...

The dog wouldn't let me sleep tonight. Every time I had dozed off, he woke me up by barking very softly but insistently beside the bed. Of course, I got up each time to find out what he wanted, but never could figure it out. The fourth time I gave up and stayed up and now he 's lying beside my feet, sound asleep as if nothing is bothering him. 

I suppose he just didn't want me to be asleep in bed. He's done this before and seems to prefer me up and present in the living room while he sleeps soundly in my vicinity. I seem to function as his guardian angel, which is fine, but I do also need to get my sleep eventually. 

I had already taken my 'falling asleep medicines' and I'm now a little stoned. I'm trying to get over that by drinking some coffee. I don't know how well it's going to work. I've had one cup and I'm waiting to see how it will affect me, but I've already made the second cup just to be sure. I'm yawning something awful and really have to get over this sleepiness. 

It's not such a pleasant feeling at all. I feel a little sweaty and drunk as if I'm coming down with something. I don't recommend doing this at all. Of course, I'm sitting around in my bathrobe, which I should not be at all because it is too hot, but I didn't want to sit around half naked late at night. I think I ought to shed the bathrobe.

I feel like drinking about 5 glasses of cold lemonade, one after the other. I'm very thirsty, but that must be because it's been another warm day and the apartment has still not cooled off. The air is very dry also. I spent the afternoon in my sister's garden sitting in the shade because it was too hot to sit in the sun. We wore the least amount of clothes possible and drank cold beers in elegant glasses. 

My sister and I made a big joke about having the best possible posture and showing the most amount of cleavage, the flattest stomach and the most tucked in bottom, but decided it couldn't be done while shaking someone's hand and saying, "How do you do?" at the same time.  We practiced that and it was impossible and hilarious.  

Because we did this in Dutch, her Italian friend couldn't figure out what we were doing, so every time we said, "How do you do?" to him, he thought we had gone bonkers, while we were just trying to show lots of cleavage, but apparently it didn't show up.

Then I had to ride my bike home and got exercise induced asthma because the air was so dry. There must have been lots of pollen in it. I had to sit and rest a while when I got home. I didn't have an inhaler to use. The one I have is ancient. I got over it by doing breathing exercises and being calm and serene. I do have to get another inhaler just in case for this summer. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I'm over the worst of my sleepiness now, but I think I will still be able to go back to bed when I'm done with this. I just hope the dog is agreeable to it. The cat was lying beside my pillows, very cozy, all rolled up. She was settled down for the night and we disturbed her beauty sleep. At least she got to have another little bowl of milk. She never turns that down and she still likes the new kibbles. The cat is most satisfied. That's one out of three anyway.

I've lost another 1.4 kilos and now have another 0.5 kilos left to lose. Next, I'm going to try for another 5 kilos, but I don't know if it is possible. I will not make an extra effort, but just keep eating as I am. If I don't make it, I will be satisfied with the weight I am. I will have to have corrective surgery done to get rid of all the loose skin on my belly and stomach. I think my insurance company pays for it. 

I will make an effort to go back to bed now. I do need my sleep. I'm not going to say 'beauty sleep'  because I'm beyond that. The dog is snoring by my feet. I've let him out back and have given him a rawhide bone, so I hope he is satisfied. 

I hope you're all having a good night. Sleep tight!


Sunday, May 8, 2011

When you don't know any better...

Yesterday evening I watched inane television. Since it was Saturday evening, it was the only kind of television to watch. It is not thought that intelligent people watch television on a Saturday evening. It is expected that they are all otherwise engaged. Apparently only dull and desperate people watch television on Saturday evenings.

It was one way to pass the evening and I pretended to care very much and be interested. I watched it while I slowly ate my dinner in stages. That takes me a while and is a good distraction. I also played with the dog and petted the cat who decided to come lie on my lap. I do have other things to keep me occupied while I try not to get too disgusted by what is offered for my entertainment. 

The other option is turning the television off, but that is too silent and then I wouldn't have anything to be exasperated with. Luckily, there are only commercials in between the programs, otherwise they would drive me crazy too. There are very few amusing ones and some of them make me want to throw a brick through the screen. Fortunately, I don't have a brick handy. 

Some of them are an insult to my intelligence. But you can walk away from them until the next program starts and go to the toilet or be otherwise engaged. At one point, I just turned the darn thing off and went to bed and listened to the radio instead, which was broadcasting a football game between Milan and Rome. Some days you can't win. Luckily, I was tired enough to fall sleep quickly, so I was spared most of that.

The only reason I was tired enough was because I had taken my 'fall asleep medicines' and once those stopped working, I was awake again. As I became conscious, I was writing a blog post in my mind, the gist of which I don't remember now. That's how much it occupies my mind in the middle of the night. I compose blog posts as I wake up. Beethoven must have composed music in his sleep. I assume he had pen and paper handy. 

I forgot to call the hairdresser yesterday to make an appointment while it was really necessary that I do. Now I'll have to wait until Tuesday because they are closed on Monday. I have a terrible head of hair that needs a lot of hairspray to keep it in place. The dog leaves the bathroom when I apply it and waits in the hallway. He doesn't do that when I apply my deodorant. Of course, I don't use copious amounts then. 

The cat escaped into the stairwell yesterday and stayed away for half an hour. Finally she showed up at the front door again where she waited patiently until I opened it. She does once in a while look for an opportunity to make her escape. I don't know what she does in the stairwell but she always goes way to the top. I refuse to chase her and always rightly guess that she'll show up again. Every once in a while she escapes though the outside door, but she just walks around the block end enters the apartment through the cat flap in the back door as if it is no problem. Luckily, she is a bright cat. 

The dog doesn't know what to do with himself when the cat has escaped. He thinks it's weird and misses her because he knows she's gone through the front door. He keeps going there to see if she's not back yet. Then when I let her in, he pretends that he won't let her and tries to push her out again as if he's not happy with her company. God forbid she should not show up one day. He'd miss her badly.

It's with some amount of reluctance that I bring this to an end. I don't want to make this too long and I have to think about going to bed. I am yawning, so maybe I'll be asleep again in no time. There's always the radio to listen to. I'm sure there will be no football games on now. 

We're still expecting some rain today and it will be most welcome, I just hope there will be enough to really make a difference. A really good shower should do. 

Have a good morning. 


Saturday, May 7, 2011

My pesky dog...

It's in the very early hours of Saturday morning and my dog is being a pain in the neck. I don't know what he wants and so far I've given him a milk bone and a rawhide chewy but still he's not happy and keeps pestering me. He's already been out back, but it is possible that he needs to go there again. It will be with great reluctance that I get up and try that again. I never know how quickly I can get him back inside. Maybe I best ignore him. 

That's not at all how I wanted to start of this post. I wanted it to have a serene beginning and not a frustrated one. Now I feel that I have to start all over and get into the proper mood. It's hard when a pup is begging by your side for I know not what. I'll have to figure out a way to find my equilibrium and peacefulness in spite of him and hope he goes to lie down by my feet and falls asleep soon...he has just done that, so there is hope for me yet.

I do have to get up and get myself a cup of coffee because I'm thirsty and in need of some caffeine. I hope I don't upset the careful balance we've achieved. I've already had to make cigarettes and frustrated the dog because I wouldn't let him on the dining table. I didn't want him looking out the window in the middle of the night where he would see imaginary danger and start to bark. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. Yes, my dog comes with an instruction booklet too. It has to be applied on a daily basis. 

Since today is Saturday, it is my day off, but I do have to hang another load of laundry to dry outside. Yesterday's load  was dry in no time at all and I've got very clean smelling sheets and pillowcases. Today I'll be hanging up a load of clothes and it will be nice to have them smelling equally good. I have to take advantage of this weekend's weather to do as much laundry as I can, because on Monday it may rain, so I thought I'd dive into my closet and pull out some clothes to wash. 

We're having a bit of a heatwave this weekend and today the temperature is going to be 28C, which is unheard of for the time of year. I'm not complaining and in the apartment it is still relatively cool, especially the back of it where it will be nice to go lie down for a nap in the afternoon. I'm already looking forward to the day and can't wait for the warm sunshine to walk the dog in. As long as it doesn't get too hot, I'll be alright, if dressed appropriately. I'm sure I'll find something that's just right. 

I'm expecting the Exfactor in the morning who's going to bring me some cat food that I'm almost out of. I had forgotten to put it on the grocery list on Tuesday. The cat does eat a lot, although she doesn't get any fatter. She's a slim cat and dainty. She does beg by her bowl for food every day and will even eat dog food if I don't fill her bowl on time. That is, if the dog lets her because he can be quite moody about that. Some days he cares more than others. 

It's with some amount of relief that I'm going back to bed in a little while because I haven't slept enough yet. I'm yawning and looking forward to going back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. 

I've got to make an appointment with my hairdresser soon. My hair is out of control and I can't do a thing with it. It is too long. I'll call today, but I'm sure I won't be able to get in today. It will probably be sometime next week. You always quite suddenly have desperate hair from one day to the next. With me it happened yesterday. I washed it and it went flat and unmanageable. I look like a hillbilly. 

I'm off. I hope you'll all have a good Saturday no matter what your weather is like, but I wish you lots of sunshine.