Tuesday, November 30, 2010

On a cold Tuesday morning...

According to my weather bar, it is supposed to be snowing right now, but it looks like we haven't had any snow since last night. I think it must get it's information from the airport which is several kilometers away from town, because it very often shows different weather than what we have here. It lies on a higher plateau, so that may make the difference. 

The world is white and lighter and brighter, and so far the snow is pretty. We don't have any treacherous ice yet. I'll have to go out in it in a while to walk Tyke and test the conditions. I'll wear my sturdy cowboy boots, those are the best ones I've got at the moment. I wore my ankle boots yesterday, but snow got in them and my socks got wet. The snow falls on Tyke's outer fur and he easily shakes it off and doesn't really get wet. He's well insulated. 

I've slept well. I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at 6:30 this morning. That's not a heck of a long sleep, but it's enough for me. I feel I've done well if I've slept that many hours. It did take one cup of coffee to wake me up properly and another one to get me started well. I think I could have stayed in bed a while longer, but I was too eager to get up.

As it is I'm dawdling now and the morning is moving along steadily. The parents have already come by and taken their children to school. The kids were making snowballs as they went along. Tyke's looked at them full of curiosity and he's now sitting in front of the window looking at the white world. No doubt he wants to go out in it. It has started snowing lightly.

I wonder if the Exfactor will be able to get through it on his motorcycle. I assume the major thoroughfares are clear. I don't want him to break his neck just to get here, but he always managed it last winter. I think he sees it as a challenge. I do need groceries and my bike does need to get fixed. Unfortunately, he was not able to get that done when he was here yesterday. All for the lack of the proper tools.

I do an awful lot of daydreaming when I write a post. I spend more time daydreaming than I do writing. Whatever subject I write about,  causes a long string of thoughts to unravel in my mind and before you know it, I'm someplace far, far away. It's amazing the amount of stuff I deal with when I do that. It must have some purpose. I assume these things need to be thought about and that they are subjects that I normally would not get around to putting much thought to.

I look outside and see that, for the sake of fashion, some people are hopelessly under dressed for this weather. They wear everything just a bit too tight and too short and too open. You know they must be cold.

I'm going to get dressed myself and walk the dog. We'll get dusted by the snow and it will be nice.

Have a nice day!


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Getting started...

Because it's Sunday, I had a convoluted day. I spent a lot of the night awake and slept all of the morning. I didn't get up until 1 pm and took my time getting my act together. I was very much discombobulated and needed two tranquilizers to settle down. Then I took the dog for a walk in the icy cold. Although the sun was shining, there was frost on everything, but the cold air felt good on my face and I was dressed warm enough. 

The dog doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold at all, but then he does have on his own winter coat. That's why I don't want to get him trimmed right now, but I am going to have to consider it next month when it is going to get too long and some of it is going to have to get cut off. Maybe he can get partially trimmed and not as severely as he was  the last time. I think he's going to be too cold if it is. 

I need to get back to a normal schedule tonight, because tomorrow regular life starts again. It's okay to be careless for a little while, but I can't keep doing it. I do have to have structure and having a normal night's sleep is one of the things that comes with it. I don't actually enjoy being off my normal schedule like I used to. I do appreciate sleeping through the night. I have a better day if I do. Getting up in the middle of the night is not the thrill it used to be, but then again, I may have made that claim before. 

The sun is going down and it is getting cold in here. I've just turned up the thermostat. I'm shivering in my thinner cardigan. I decided to wear it, because the other one was to warm, I thought. I think I'll make myself a cup of hot chocolate to heat up my insides. It would be nice if I had marshmallows to put in it, but that's wishful thinking.  I'd probably finish the bag of marshmallows before I'd finish the package of chocolate mix. It would still be nice, though. 

I'm just now beginning to feel normal. All this time I've felt that I've been in a bad dream that I could not wake up from. I must have finally got back to my senses. It sure took long enough. I feel like I've walked out of a confusing place into a place where everything makes sense. I can think straight again. It happened as quickly as opening a door and walking through it, but it really makes me think of the saying that when God closes a door somewhere, he opens a window some place else. That's what it feels like. 

I've made my cup of hot chocolate and very delicious it is too. Very filling also. I can't drink it too quickly, otherwise I'll start burping, but since I'm here on my own, it doesn't matter too much. The animals don't mind. 

Have a great evening.


Friday, November 26, 2010

Around the bend...

The day has gone by quickly and already it is the end of the afternoon.The day has been overcast almost all day and it didn't get warmer than 34F degrees. Still, I did not experience that as cold and I think I'm just getting used to it, although it may be the absence of any wind that may have something to do with it too. The sun is about to set and I will have to turn the lights on in the living room.

The domestic help has been here and left me with a clean apartment. She folded the dry laundry and did the dishes, unasked for. She's a bundle of efficiency. She cuddles Tyke and plays with him and Tyke is crazy about her. He eagerly waits behind the front door when she's rung the intercom and nearly jumps in her arms. Then he runs and gets one of his favorite toys and shows it to her proudly.

The first thing Tyke does, after she's vacuumed and mopped the living room floor, is get all his toys that have been gathered in one spot and distribute them all over the clean floor. It's hilarious and we always end up laughing about it. He doesn't like all his toys neatly in one place. We're supposed to trip over them and pretend it's an obstacle course. 

The dog gets spoiled by every woman who enters this apartment and he loves all of them.  He likes their good smells and their happy, light voices and their soft hands. He thinks they all come here especially for him and can't wait to bond with them. What he wants more then anything is a belly rub, but any kind of attention will do. Just being talked to makes him happy, but he loves a good perfume.  He's crazy about any woman who smells good.  One of my personal helpers always wears very good perfumes and Tyke very much would like to lie in her lap and never move from there.

Gandhi is just happy if she didn't get locked up in the same room with the vacuum cleaner, because she is scared of it. She does return as soon as it's turned off, because she is a member of the tribe and doesn't want to feel left out. She is very much a people cat and likes to be in the presence of company. As long as the vacuum cleaner stands silent and doesn't move around, she can stand walking past it. She does want to sit on everyone's lap, but people are funny about cats and are less tolerant of cat hair and the sharp nails that they imagine every cat has. People either love cats or dislike them a lot. It's not like with dogs. I've not had a lot of cat lovers here yet. Poor Gandhi. 

Tyke is telling me that it's time to go for a walk. Unfortunately, we have to wait for the delivery boy from the pharmacy to get here first. I hope he can be patient enough until that time. I'm going to have to distract him. 
I hope you all have a good evening. 


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Drinking coffee early in the morning...

I got up early, though I had not gone to sleep until 10 pm, and doubtlessly that means I will have to take a nap later today. I may try to stay up and save any tiredness that I feel for the nighttime and try and sleep really well then. I'll have to wait and see how well I do today. 

Someone mentioned, on an other blog, that your need for sleep changes as you get older and that you need less of it at night. It would be nice if I could blame my short nights on that. I remember my parents always needing a nap in the afternoon as they got older. Maybe that applies to me. Maybe I am an older person now, though I would hate to think of myself that way. 

Maybe it is all a very personal matter and it depends on your individual internal clock and how it is set. Mine seems to be set for shorter nights, with an occasional exception, and naps in the afternoon. I'm sure there is no good or bad or right or wrong, but just a system that works well for each person. You have to accept what works for you and live with that, as long as you get enough sleep in the end and you don't do all of it during the day, like I was doing for a while because of the tranquilizers. 

I had a very satisfying session with my SPN yesterday morning in which I closed the chapter of my first marriage, because I think I'm done with it.  I've gained a lot of understanding about it and about my own role in it.  I can look back and see how events unfolded and why things happened the way they did and why it ended the way it did. I've been relieved of a huge burden that I carried with me for a lot of years and that really weighed me down. 

I'll be moving on to the next chapter and that is my marriage to the Exfactor, which needs to be discussed, though it is not nearly as pressing as my first marriage was. Having said that, I wonder what's going to come to the surface in those talks, because a lot of things happened in our marriage that are not so admirable from the side of either party. There's not going to be a blaming game going on. Just an attempt at understanding. 

I've had my coffee in the meantime and I have switched to cold milk. It's making me burp something awful and I'm a regular orchestra all by myself. Tyke and Gandhi are the only audience members, so I don't have to be embarrassed. 

My head's still on awfully straight. I haven't stopped being sensible yet. I don't know what's come over me. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I better take advantage of it and do sensible things.  One sensible thing I'm going to do now is get dressed and walk the dog. At least I will get that out of the way.

Have a nice day!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Time to write!

 It's early in the morning and I'm completely awake and ready to go and tackle anything that's worth tackling. I've had my second cup of coffee and barely had any cobwebs in my mind when I woke up. I'm just about to pour my third cup and have a good sit down here. My sore upper back is still sore, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was yesterday. At least the sharp pain is gone and it is now a dull ache. I think one more painkiller ought to do the trick.

I've visited Facebook and did the necessary socializing there. I don't do a lot of it, but mainly keep in touch with family and relatives and the friends that are 'real' friends. People who care and keep in touch one way or the other. I do appreciate that, those little tokens of affection. A person needs all the strokes they can get. I think that's what this socializing is all about. Mutual strokes. I must get better at it myself. I do think it teaches you to be less self centered. 

I've got to go see my SPN today and I'm more than ready to. I want to continue the work that I was doing on my first marriage, but I think I made a lot of headway already. I think I can come to a rounding off now, unless I'm very mistaken and there's a lot more beneath the surface. We will see. Whatever I have done so far has helped me tremendously and I can tell that by the nature of my dreams. They are far less sad and frustrating and are taking a far different turn. I'm even starting to dream about the Exfactor now. Maybe that marriage will be next on the program, although I feel less traumatized by it. I think that maybe the Exfactor got traumatized in it more than I did. I must find out about that. 

Since today is Wednesday, my appointment with my SPN is the only one in my agenda. I will not be seeing anyone else. I will have to do some laundry and straighten out my desk. I need to go through the paperwork that's stacked on it and see what can go. There are many odds and ends lying there that need to be organized and looked at and put a way or tossed out. I also have to try and get the speakers to work on my computer, but how I'm going to do that is not clear to me yet. I will have to fiddle around with them. That's all I can do. I'm not a technical wonder. I never was taught anything about electronics and computers. Maybe common sense will apply. I do have that for practical things. 

My head is on awfully straight this morning, but I lack an enormous amount of  imagination. I seem to be all business. I can't stand it when I'm like that. When I'm only efficient and not imaginative at the same time. I suppose I'm going to tackle everything head on today, without any complicated emotions. Well, I will have my moments of clarity, I suppose, when I'm no nonsense and get straight down to business. Maybe I better take advantage of it. I may get things done that have been lying by the wayside. I guess everybody has days like that in their life when they have good sobering thoughts and get their act together. 

I thought I had temporarily misplaced my dog, but he blended in so well with the interior of the living room that I overlooked him and I just discovered him. He was so quietly asleep and not even snoring. He's always so close to me that I worry if I don't see him. He's not like Jesker who would go off on his own and go to sleep in another room. 

I had trouble seeing through my glasses, until I took them off and saw that they were very dirty, so I took a bottle of window cleaner and got them completely clean and suddenly I could see again. What a difference that made. Everything got sharper contours. Leave it to me to be so absentminded as to not have noticed that earlier. I even do amaze myself at times. My right eye is fuzzy, though, and it needs correcting. 

Right, it's time to take my medicines and get dressed. I need to take Tyke for a walk. The early morning calls me. It's cold out there.


Monday, November 22, 2010


The day is unfolding little by little. Between each scene I take a time out. I do that with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and some time spent pondering about what's happened and what's coming up next. Mostly I feel very pleased, because the day is unfolding pleasantly, although I am only halfway there yet. I know the rest of it will be fine too. I feel it in my wind swept bones.

Before my personal helper got here this morning, I did the chores and I did them with good humor and not at all frustrated because I had to do them, like I sometimes do. I owe this to the fact that I have stopped taking a tranquilizer in the morning that always made me feel so tired and like going back to bed. Now I have energy and I'm not dragging myself from room to room trying to get things done hopelessly. It really does make a difference. 

I put clean sheets on the bed and put the dirty sheets in the washing machine immediately. They will have to stay in there for a while, though, because I have a load of laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. I can only handle one load at the time, or I would have to get another rack that I could hang over one of the doors and dry more laundry on it. It would work, but it isn't all that necessary that all the laundry gets dried at once. I'm not running an orphanage, after all.  It is just a one person household.

I got the whole apartment straightened out and ready for the domestic help, so she would be able to clean it without there being any stuff lying around  that was useless and in the way.  Cleaning up Tyke's toys is the biggest challenge, because as soon as I do, he drags them all out again and distributes them across the living room floor. He's just like a little kid that way. And to think that I ordered more toys for him.

I made a fresh pot of coffee when my personal helper got here and took a shower and put on a new set of double layered clothes. She had warned me that it was cold outside, but I had already noticed that when I stood by the back door to let Tyke out.

I had to wait for my psychiatrist to call me before we were able to go for a walk and he called promptly at noon. He asked me how the decreasing of the tranquilizers was going and I told him that I had it down to one pill during the day, but that it had not been as easy as I had thought it was going to be. I had missed them. We made an appointment for next week at which time we're going to discuss decreasing my dose of anti-psychotics, which is going to be scary and I'm honestly going to tell him that. I'm a hero on socks, as we say here. The implication should be clear.

We took Tyke for a walk in the cold wind, therefor our walk was not very long, but long enough for Tyke to take care of all of his needs. It's not only time for thick winter coats, but for gloves and hats as well. I worry about my hair and the scrunched up state it gets in from wearing a hat. Vanity does prevent me from doing it yet. I'll have to suffer from a cold head. It's tough trying to be a fashionable woman at my age. I don't look good in hat hair.

The domestic help has been here in the meantime and we had ourselves a good old chat while she did her work. We also drank coffee and smoked cigarettes even though she's not supposed to, but I'm not going to tell. She's got two little boys and she tells me stories about them that bring tears to my eyes from pure emotion, either from laughter or compassion or a mixture of both. I'm easily moved. Of course, I'm in a much better state of mind to be moved too, now that my emotions are not dulled by the tranquilizers.

I've got a lovely clean apartment and I'm going to keep it that way. I do feel incredibly spoiled. The quality of my life has improved so much since these people have come into it.  I never want to go back to how it used to be. I pray to Allah/God/Buddha/Wotan that I will always be this lucky. Everybody deserves a break and I was certainly ready for mine.

I've got to walk Tyke if he's ready to go. I think he's sound asleep, but we'll see. One movement from me can mean the end of that. He does have his alert ears on, even when he's taking a nap.

Have a good evening, everyone.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

We all fall down...

It's early on a Sunday morning and I'm having my second cup of very delicious coffee. For some reason it turned out really well today, so I must have had the magic touch when I put the ground coffee into the filter. Maybe slightly carelessly scooping is the best way to do it, instead of carefully measuring each spoonful. I was in a hurry when I made the coffee, because I was impatient for a cup and I couldn't make it quick enough. 

Luckily, the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my nice hot cup of coffee in no time at all. It just seems to take a while when you're waiting, but that's when you have to find a way to amuse yourself instead. I did that by answering emails. That's usually the first thing I do in the morning, though I'm barely capable of it at first because of the cobwebs. I do manage to fake it until I make it, I think, because I go about it very slowly, unless the answers are very simple. 

I went to bed very early last night. I realized that I was grumpy because I was tired and in need of sleep. I had no patience left for anything or anybody. I made myself a glass of black berry milk and took that to bed with me and listened to the radio. I made sure that Tyke and I had some quality bonding time, which he was in need of, and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep. Gandhi was sleeping beside my pillows.

I suppose that yesterday was a perfectly uneventful day. I paid bills and got my paperwork in order and found out how poor I was. That's always good to know for the rest of the pay period. Then you know how much you have left to spend on groceries. God forbid that you should eat too much. 

I had planned to take a nap in the afternoon, but I never did get around to that. I suppose I wasn't sleepy enough and wanted to save whatever there was for the nighttime. I walked Tyke when he needed to get walked and sat behind the computer. I did some chores, but there weren't that many to do that were urgent and I will finish today what I didn't do yesterday. I have to put clean sheets on my bed and I do want to do that today to make going to bed tonight as pleasant as possible. 

Since today is Sunday, it's going to be another quiet day. There will be speed skating and other sports on television and I will watch them most likely. I also have to make sure I watch the news this morning. There were manifestations all over the country yesterday against the cultural budget cuts that the new government is planning against the will of many. I think the attempts to call a halt to it, though, are useless, because this government is ruthless.

It's going to be a cold day today. I just let Tyke out back and there was a cold wind blowing from the east. I was shivering in my bathrobe. Even Tyke thought it was cold and came back in in a hurry. It's only going to be 44F, but because of the wind, it's going to feel colder. It will be no fun to take Tyke out for walks today. I'm not looking forward to that. I do so dislike being in the cold wind. I will have to wear my North Pole coat. My leather jacket is not going to be warm enough. 

I've had enough coffee for this morning and have switched to milk with blackberry syrup. It's very delicious and filling too. It takes care of my sweet tooth at the same time. It does give me that little sugar high and it makes the milk more interesting to drink. It makes it last twice as long, because I don't gobble it down all at once. I take delicate sips, if you can imagine that. It's an excellent discovery and for that kind of milk you pay a relative fortune in the supermarket. 

I've got to take my medicines. It's that time of the morning again. I've had to play ball with Tyke while I wrote this. That involves a lot of wrestling to get it away from him. 
Have a good Sunday!


Friday, November 19, 2010

Leather boots?

It is early in the evening and I woke up a while ago from a long nap in my bed. I took my one and only tranquilizer that I now take during the day this afternoon, and as a result I got very sleepy and couldn't stay awake. So this is the amount of sleepiness that I had been fighting three times a day, every day. 

It's a good thing that I finally started to question that and that I no longer blamed it on the amount of sleep that I got at night. I was putting things in the wrong order. It wasn't because I didn't get enough sleep during the night that I was sleepy during the day. It was because I was so sleepy during the day that I didn't get enough sleep during the night. I hope that makes sense, because it does to me. It was like putting the wagon in front of the horse.

Anyway, I am doing this with the blessing of my psychiatrist, so that is good. I've learned not to do anything with my medicines without first consulting my psychiatrist. I do have to trust him in this area of expertise and not think I know it all. I've had the tendency to think that I know it better, but I really do have to learn to trust somebody else when it comes to these things. 

I have this stubborn streak in me that makes me want to figure out things on my own and it just isn't necessary. I have to learn to trust other people and their knowledge. I guess I didn't learn that when I was a kid or in another period of my life. It is possible that I have been around a lot of incompetent people. Or people that weren't trustworthy. I suppose I haven't felt safe enough before.

Well, after that statement I hardly know what to write, because it put me on a whole different train of thought far, far away. I will try and come back to the reality of today and rejoin the present human race. 

I always think of all these humans racing around doing their jobs and chores and activities, trying to keep up with themselves and each other, one even crazier than the other, all in the human race for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that's as elusive as the rainbow itself.

But that's just an aside, I don't have all the answers either. I used to reach for the rainbow myself. I was chasing that pot of gold as fervently as the next person.

Enough already with the memories! This is not the time or place for them. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's a better place to be. It must be possible to write a post without daydreaming and sinking away into memories of a long ago life. Why do they hit me so much when I write a post? Is it because I refer to something? Is it that simple? 

It's a long time ago since I've done as much daydreaming as I do now. I used to do it all the time and think of it as a normal part of me, but I've very much rejected it as an unhealthy exercise. Now it seems to happen constantly, even when I'm preoccupied with something else. 

I started reading again today and I do notice that if I pay attention well enough to what I read, I don't daydream, but the book really has to capture my imagination. I'm reading a novel by Doris Lessing and her writing is so good that it does. 

It seems that I can drink fruit juice again. I had some this morning and it agreed with me and I'm having some right now without any problems really. I'll have to wait and see what happens during the night, but it would be nice if I could drink it again instead of all the milk that I drink. I do need some other vitamins too and it is thirst quenching.

It's not early in the evening anymore. I've wasted a lot of time. I'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe. I can stay up late, though, because it's the weekend.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

At the start of the morning...

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and my umpteenth cigarette. It's not so very early in the morning, because I slept well and didn't go to bed too early last night. I watched an episode of Inspector Frost that I had not seen before and I was totally fascinated by it and had to watch it till the end. It was a very satisfying episode and I'm glad I stayed up for it. Good triumphed over evil in the end, but at what cost? There are always double layers in these British detective series. That's what makes them so good. It makes them better than any Dutch detective series. The British are the best. There are no obvious heroes. Only understated ones. 

This morning one of my personal helpers is coming. The one who usually comes on Mondays, except that she couldn't come this past Monday. So now I will have a personal helper two days in a row, because the one for tomorrow is also going to be here that day. My luck knows no boundaries. What will I do with all that attention? How will I keep them amused? I always feel that I need to pull a rabbit out of a hat. It's not so much what they can do for me, as what I can do for them. 

I suppose I better not worry about it too much ahead of time and let the morning unfold as it comes. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and will be as long as it takes me to write this and do some chores. If I have to greet her in it, then so be it. It's a fact of reality that I'm a slow poke in the morning and can't get started faster than my system allows. I do require a certain amount of starting up time. I can't force myself into overdrive until I'm ready for it, otherwise I'll turn into an unorganized grouch.

I'm drinking my third glass of cold milk due to being extremely thirsty. I have the refrigerator set on high so the milk is extra cold. I would like to drink some cold juice, but due to my recent experience with it, it seems smarter not to. I don't want to get heartburn. That does take the fun out of any kind of food or drink. It isn't until I drink my third glass of milk that I feel that my thirst is getting quenched and that I can slow down drinking.

I'm still waiting for my 'wake up' moment. I feel like I've not properly gotten to my senses yet. Maybe I need to drink another cup of coffee. There's one  left in the pot. I'm totally not in the mood for another cup, though, and I think I'll leave it. I did take my medicines about 45 minutes ago and I'm waiting for them to start working, with whatever result they bring me. That's always a surprise. Some days it is better than other days. I think today it is going to be disappointing. I should get off all of them. 

I've been sitting here in a stupor for the last 20 minutes, unable to write and thinking that I must go to a kick off clinic to get off all of my medication. I must discuss this  with my psychiatrist. I feel like I'm under the influence of drugs now and it's not a pleasant feeling. It's actually making me feel sick.

I think I will go sit down in my armchair for a while until I feel better and then maybe walk Tyke if I have time. 


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Doo Wah Diddy...

I'm not quite awake yet, but pretending to be. I'm waiting for the coffee to get done and in the meantime, I'm having some milk. I tried to drink some juice, but my stomach violently protested and didn't want it. It was too acid, even the mild kind. I will not make that mistake again. 

I'm sure it has been the cause of the acid reflux I have been having at night. I had not put one and one together, but now I see the link. As a reaction to that, I have been sleeping on my back and not on my side anymore, because that seems to make it worse. It's as though things get squashed and my esophagus doesn't seem to like that.

I'm having my coffee now and a pleasure it is indeed. I expect to be fully functioning any minute. The coffee is mild too, because I don't make it as strong anymore, and I drink it with plenty of milk. It's not a cafe au lait, but it's getting close to it. It does make me burp, but nearly anything does nowadays, so that's nothing unusual. I think I have to invest in a bottle of Maalox. The pharmaceutical industry must be doing alright. It may be something to invest my precious money in. 

It was cold during the night, but I had the thermostat set low and the heater did not go on. It's still warm enough in the apartment, despite the cold outside. As a matter of fact, I was very warm under my duvet and woke up sweating, and on top of that, Tyke climbed  on my chest so I could hardly breath, but he saw it as a moment of complete togetherness. That's when I thought I had better get up. Gandhi was lying beside my head and things were getting a little bit too cozy. The animals do pick their opportune moments to show their love and affection. I've never had it so good.

When I got up, Tyke wanted to go outside, but I know he only wants to go hang out there and sniff around and not come back in for a long time, so I completely ignored him and he laid down on the sofa, slightly miffed. He and Gandhi are curled up together being peaceful now. I don't know how long my peace and quiet are going to last. 

Today is actually the day I'm going to see my SPN, it was not yesterday like I thought. I had the day wrong in my memory and had to check my agenda to find out. Probably it is better that I see her today, because yesterday was not such a successful day and I wasted a lot of it doing absolutely nothing but feel low and uneasy. It was one of those days in which I very much doubted my own capacity to make it through life successfully and when my belief in myself was very low. 

I suppose that everybody has days like that and that you just have to get through them in the best possible way and go to sleep and hope that the following day will be better. It proved to be right and I do feel better this morning and it is only with uneasiness that I look back at yesterday. It's such an awful thing to doubt your own mind and your capacity to think straight. 

All you have to do really is take the day off and not do anything important. Take a mental health day, like I would allow my kids to have when they were young and had a not so great day. That was a day to be relieved of your responsibilities and to get treated extra special. It's something you can do for yourself without feeling all sorts of guilt and remorse. I seem to have a problem with that, as if I need someone's permission to do it. Everybody needs a mental health day now and then. You do recuperate from them. 

I have more zest in life today and look forward to it. That means Tyke will get more of his regular walks and I will get out of my bathrobe quicker. All the things I worried about yesterday, I will not worry about today. Those were spooks in my head. 

The fact that I have very clean hair helps a lot too. And the fact that it is so very blond is another pleasant addition. It's probably getting more gray, but it seems like it is very blond. The gray hair is very finely sprinkled throughout and doesn't really show up. I don't have a thing to worry about yet and I'm going to let it all happen naturally. I'm not going to reach for the hair dye.

I have to get dressed now and walk Tyke in the cold morning air. It's 37F outside and foggy. Time for warm clothes. 

Have a good day!


Monday, November 15, 2010

The awakening...

I've just had 2 cups of coffee, but because of my gastric band I'm awfully full and I'll have to wait with my third cup for a while. I can't drink it now, because I feel a lot of pressure on my esophagus. Sometimes that's the way things go and I'll have to wait for everything to drain down to my stomach.

Anyway, it's early in the morning and for a change I didn't get up in the middle of the night. Well, I did to go to the toilet, but I had enough sense to go back to bed so as to not upset my natural rhythm. At least, what is supposed to be my natural rhythm. If I can just have the sense to keep doing this, I will be in much better shape during the day and not have to sleep so much. 

I will be able to to do this as long as I don't get a hypo-manic mood and upset the applecart. That's what it all revolves around. I had a few moments last night when I was lying in bed, when I felt like getting up and not going to sleep, but I talked myself out of it and stayed in bed. I can make myself hypo-manic by doing something like that, by giving in to the feeling. So, a lot of it depends on my attitude too and if I can resist the urge for a heightened mood. 

Yesterday went by very quickly for a Sunday. Of course, I spent a large part of it asleep, after I went back to bed early in the morning. I slept until noontime and woke myself up slowly with a cup of coffee in my armchair. Tyke was sitting on my lap, because he thinks he's a lap dog. He's a little bit too large to actually be one, but I don't let him know this.

I took about an hour to come to my senses and then turned on the computer and got dressed. Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Even Tyke didn't want to go outside. He did a piddle by the back door, against the tree closest to the apartment, and scooted back inside. 

I spent time answering emails and reading blogs. I drank milk and juice because I was so thirsty. I knew I was going to have coffee with my sister and didn't want to have any at home. During the day, a little bit of coffee goes a long way, even though I make it less strong now. I've been drinking less coffee and making the ground coffee last a lot longer. 

At three o'clock my sister came and got me and we drove to her house where her dog greeted me enthusiastically. I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if he's the most important person there. He gets his ball and I have to try and get it from him. He's just like Tyke. Different dog, same behavior. 

My sister and I got up to date with each other because, although we had talked on the phone, there's always a lot we have to discuss face to face. We never run out of material to talk about. Of course, just by being females we share a lot. More than anything, that's what we have in common. Being ex-wives and mothers and modern women in today's society and being politically aware, all those sort of things bind us. 

No, I promised myself I wouldn't get into deeper discussions than this on my blogs. I have many opinions, but I'm not going to air them. I will keep those to myself. This is not that kind of a forum. I will keep this shallow and self centered. 

My sister made me cafe au lait, which was delicious and very kind to my stomach. She had chocolate and little cakes, both of which I resisted and I was proud of myself. If I'm going to stick to a sensible diet, I'm not going to blow it at the first opportunity I get. My system likes me a lot better if I don't eat those things. I do have to keep that in mind. 

It had stopped raining just before three o'clock, so when I got home I immediately walked Tyke, who took full advantage of the opportunity and I walked him again later on in the evening, although that was a less rewarding trip. It was cold out too, because the layer of clouds was gone, causing what little warmth there was to disappear.  It's time for warmer clothes again. I'm all set in that department. I have no shortage of them. 

I watched the 5km speed skating and saw a Dutchman win, which was gratifying and he was a nice guy too, which makes it even better. I'll cheer for anybody who has a sympathetic character, especially if he's Dutch, but really anybody if he's a good sportsman. Or she, of course. I do like to watch speed skating, as I think it's such a graceful and powerful sport at the same time.  

It's time to get dressed and walk Tyke. It 43F out there, so I must dress warm. It will be nice to get some fresh air, but I'm not looking forward to the cold. 

I hope you all have a nice day.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Several cups of coffee later...

I'm all done drinking coffee for this morning. I've had almost three cups and that is about my limit. That's all I can handle. I have to switch to milk or juice next. I'm awfully thirsty, so whatever it's going to be, it is going to be a tall glassful. 

I've been sitting here for a while, completely wasting my time. I haven't got anything to show for it. But then again, I am allowed to have completely wasteful times too. I can't always be productive. Sometimes I sit behind the computer and I'm sunk deep in thought instead of writing or reading. A thought will hit me and I can spend some time turning it this way and that in my mind, until I'm done with it and lock it up some place safe. 

It's completely quiet outside. It's not storming nor raining, although I know it is going to again later today. At least it's not going to be so awfully cold. We won't have to worry about the rain turning into snow the way it did in Scandinavia. Thank goodness for that. The rain doesn't actually come down in a deluge and sometimes it's blown horizontally by the wind. I noticed that last night when I was riding my bike home from the gas station. I got it straight in my face. It would have been pleasant had it been summertime. 

I'm drinking a glass of juice, but it's making me burp something awful. It sounds like a regular factory at work. When you have a gastric band, you can never consume anything noiselessly. There are always sound effects. You constantly have to say: "Oh, excuse me." But to you it is the most normal thing in the world. I've gotten so used to making noise when I eat and drink, that I almost forget to apologize. I could never have tea and cakes with the queen, because I would constantly be burping. Not that I'm expecting an invitation. 

I've got my bathrobe on, because it did cool off in here a bit and I didn't want to turn on the heater. I'm going back to bed in a little while to sleep some more. I had a short night and woke up in a sweat again. I must talk to my doctor about that. 

I've let Tyke outside in the pitch dark and he wouldn't come back inside. I had to go get him on my bare feet on the wet patio that's strewn with leaves. I don't know what he found out there, but he was very interested in something. He still wants to go outside now, but I won't let him until it gets light. I want to see what he found. Maybe it is a hedgehog. 

Alright, I've just taken my medicines and I'm going back to bed. I am sleepy now. It will be nice to get under the clean covers and spend a few more hours sleeping. 

I wish you all a good morning. 


Friday, November 12, 2010

The first cup...

I'm sitting here with my first cup of coffee, soon to become my second cup, because I've almost finished it, greedily as I'm drinking it. I do want to get the cobwebs out as quickly as I can this morning, because I figure that every minute counts. Oh sure, I have hours of time before my personal helper gets here, but that time goes by quickly when you're having fun, as I'm about to have. 

I'm thoroughly going to enjoy every minute of those hours doing nothing but blog and answer emails, and yes, also do some chores. But if that is true, why am I sitting here on the edge of my seat as if I am about to take off into the 'I don't know where?'  I do have to relax in order to be able to enjoy myself. I can't sit here with a tightly folded into itself body that's about to be triggered into an explosion of uncontrolled movement. 

I've just taken my medicines and readjusted the way I sit in this chair. I have everything loose now and am very consciously trying to stay that way. I'm trying to stay grounded. I'm paying attention to the relaxation of all my muscles and my breathing. I'm becoming aware of all the little aches and pains and know that I have to pay attention to them and not ignore them. I stop sitting hunched over and straighten my back. There's so much to remember. 

At least I'm not about to take off from my chair anymore. I'm going to have a tall glass of cold milk next. 

That does necessitate putting on my bathrobe, because that cools your body off quite a bit, a glass of cold milk does. But I'm much more relaxed now and I feel a lot better. I can better enjoy writing the rest of this post now. 

I went to bed late last night, I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. At least I had enough sense to go to bed, because I really had to force myself to. I wasn't sleepy when I went and could have stayed up longer. I wanted to be sensible, though, and get some amount of normal sleep anyway. I did want to be in halfway decent shape this morning. 

When my personal helper gets here, I want to be ready to get things done. That really means that I have to take a shower before she gets here, but I do so hate taking showers and really need to be motivated for them. Somebody needs to make me take them. It's the antiquated shower system that makes me hate taking showers so much. Some things in 'cheap' apartments in the Netherlands are simply abysmal. 

Well, I've told you enough trivial things now, I think. I must move on to other things. There are other blogs not to neglect and to write trivial things in.

Have a good day. 


Thursday, November 11, 2010

New theme, new name...

But need I even mention it? I should get away with this without even discussing it. What's there to say? If you have me on your blog list, just refer to me as Nora and not by the name of my blog, because it changes too often. God only knows what I started out as. I don't even remember it myself, it is so many incarnations ago. 

I've been up all night, and when I'm up all night, I'm generally in the mood to change things, because I'm more adventurous then. I should always function at night, or otherwise always be under the influence of a sleeping pill, but wide awake. I seem to have my most brilliant ideas then. At least, they seem brilliant to me. Of course, they may be drug induced illusions and I won't know that until the next day after I've slept.

That reminds me that I'm not looking forward to the day and I don't want it to become dawn. I like sitting here in the dark having my little adventures and taking looks at what I have done. I don't want to go to bed either. I want to stay up and reap the rewards of my deeds and indulge in them. I want to snicker and smile and be happy.  I would rather not sleep and stay in this state of mind forever. 

I haven't had any coffee for a while and have been drinking cold milk. I never did get around to drinking a glass of warm milk to make me sleepy. I decided against that when I realized that I was having a good time. I didn't want to curtail my activities. 

From one good idea comes another and before you know it, hours have passed and it is approaching morning and it is time for another batch of medicines. The ones I am going to take are going to dampen my spirits a bit and it's a darn shame. I wish I could skip them, but I will be sensible and take them. I'm a co-operative patient who doesn't sleep at night, but does everything else right. 

I am going to make a pot of coffee in a little while to get ready for the arrival of morning. I do want to greet it with a clear mind. I don't know what I'm going to do about sleeping yet. I suppose I will wait and see what happens and when the need hits me, I will go and lie down. 

It is possible that the Exfactor is going to come by this morning and I do want to be dressed when he gets here and not greet him in my usual attire of bathrobe with my hair sticking up. I do still want to make a good impression, although I have no ulterior motives. If I did have those, I would dismiss them immediately. 

The coffee is brewing and before long I will have a nice fresh cup of it. I'm trying to not make it too strong, because I realized that I do go through my ground coffee awfully quickly. I probably make it too potent. I don't want it to put hair on my chest. I think a little bit less strong is okay too and very drinkable, as long as the flavor of the coffee is right and is not the weak brew that the Exfactor makes. 

No, the coffee is good and very welcome. It warms up my stomach. I will now go and see to the other blog, so the surprise will not be too big there. 

Have a good morning!


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A cup of coffee or two or three...

I've been in a stupor all day, unable to function even at the lowest level. I was seriously concerned about myself as I laid down for the umpteenth time on the sofa for a nap. What was wrong with me? Was I getting sick? 

Finally I made myself a pot of coffee, not expecting much, but some improvement anyway. I had my first cup and man, did I get improvement! It was like I had taken the elixir of life. Suddenly I was able to function again and my whole mood perked up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: a metamorphosis took place. I was a pathetic bit of human being before I had the coffee and I'm not anymore now. All it took was one cup of coffee and I'm having my second one now. Hoping for more improvement, no doubt. 

All I have to do now is get out of my bathrobe and into some clothes and not forget that I have to drink coffee in the morning. That it's absolutely crucial that I do. I have to get into some clothes, though, and finally walk Tyke who has only been out back so far. He's been very patient with me and slept while I slept and has not gotten into any sort of trouble.

Both Gandhi and he were very hungry when I woke up the last time. I asked Tyke if he wanted to eat and Gandhi started to meow very pathetically. Tyke got worried and started to shove her out of the way. Gandhi jumped on the kitchen counter and waited for her share of the can of dog food. When she was done eating before Tyke, he defended his bowl very bravely from any advances she made toward it. She finally gave up and went outside, doubtlessly to give herself a good wash. 

It has stopped raining and the sun is barely visible through the clouds. It peeks through every once in a while. It is starting to be the end of the afternoon and the sun is moving towards the horizon, behind the row of houses opposite me. I've wasted a large part of the day sleeping and I now have to make up for it. I have to do a few chores before I call the day quits. I'm kind of late with it, but better late than never. 

I'm not going to worry about which clothes I'm going to put on at this point. I'll just wear whatever is warm. It's 43F outside, so no time to worry about fashion. I do have my cute earrings in, so my face will look nice, although my hair is kind of messed up, but I will comb it into a halfway decent style. If you lay on your hair a lot, it does get squashed down into a funny shape. 

Okay, I have to get going. The coffee was great and so was sitting here for a while. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did with majestic mountains and alpine meadows. Wouldn't we have fun? 

Have a good evening.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

And all the kings's men...

It's, as usual, in the middle of the night again, or to put it optimistically, very early in the morning. Let's just say it is the latter, that sounds a lot better. It doesn't sound so desperately lonely and desolate as in the middle of the night, though that doesn't bother me at all. Well, I say that, but that may not be the complete truth. Maybe I do feel just a bit lonely and desolate in the middle of the night after all.

So, let's just say it is early in the morning. The time you would get up to catch an early intercontinental flight leaving from Amsterdam. That's a few hours drive from here, so you have to calculate that into your travel time. You drink lots of coffee to get your head on straight an to wake up properly, like I am doing right now. I'm only working on my first cup, though, having downed some glasses of milk first. 

The coffee tastes good as usual, I made it strong. I need for it to be strong because I'm yawning. I'm not quite awake yet, though I could have sworn that I was when I got up. I was fooled by Mother Nature. She led me to believe I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when in fact I was not. That was just a first impression. It's too late to go back to bed now, because I am in my waking up mode and not at all in the mood to go back to bed. It's not calling my name at the moment. It may in a while from now. 

I'm so tired still, that the feeling of free floating anxiety hasn't even attached itself to me yet as it has for the last couple of days. So this is the solution to it then. Make sure you're tired and nothing can hurt you. I think I had already figured that one out and that's why I was sleeping so much. Sleep is a defense mechanism too. It prevents overload. 

I just dislocated my jaw on both sides, but by staying calm, I managed to get it back in. I was yawning, that's how it happened. It's painful now, but everything is back in place. I'll have to be careful from this point forward, because this has happened in the past when I couldn't get it back in place. It was a little bit scary. 

Well, that certainly woke me up. The sheer shock of it. I've taken a paracetamol with codeine for the pain. I better yawn very carefully now. 

I think I had better go back to bed now before I start yawning anymore. It's probably time to go back to sleep. I'll take my medicines and set the alarm clock for late this morning. 
Have a good morning.


Monday, November 8, 2010


I've just cleaned up the kitchen and the living room and I did that quickly. Next, I have to hang up the laundry and make a shopping list. I'm really waiting for my medicines to start working and they should shortly, because I've taken them about an hour ago. I must say that I feel calmer than I did a while ago, so there is progress already without me realizing that there was. 

I'm drinking a glass of cold milk, because I'm all done drinking coffee. I made enough for three cups and I think that is more  than enough to start the day with. Actually, I don't finish the third cup, because it's too much to drink for me, so I could actually make less coffee. It's just habit that keeps me making the same amount every morning. That, and the concern that I might actually want more coffee one of these mornings. It's silly, though, because I never do. 

Tyke had wagged the ivy on the coffee table with his tail and leaves had flown all over the area rug. I just finished picking them all up. It's a neat trick that he did when he jumped on top of it. He does still do that every once in a while, but it is mostly a thing of the past. He does realize that the coffee table is out of bounds now. Sometimes his exuberant puppy brain takes over and he forgets and I have to get him off of it as quickly as I can. 

Gandhi is quite innocent of these shenanigans and hardly ever does anything bad, except for use the furniture as scratching posts sometimes, while she has three of those at her disposal. Cats are great at ignoring the obvious and using something  else instead. Jesker used to shove her out of the way when she did that and I'm trying to teach Tyke to do the same thing, but he hasn't quite caught on yet.

I've just cleaned up the bedroom of a shredded cigarette pack and made the bed. I will hang up the laundry next. Little by little I will get everything done. There will be too much laundry to fit on the drying rack and I will have to get creative with hangers on the shower curtain rail. The bathroom will be filled with laundry. It is too cold to hang it outside to dry. 

There, I've hung up the laundry and got almost everything on the drying rack. Now I have to take a breather. It was a lot of bending and stretching. I did my morning gymnastics. I suppose that now I'll get the washing machine filled up with the next load.

I have to get dressed next and make a shopping list and go to the store. I'm thrilled to pieces about this, but it can't be helped. I have to go or do without a lot of things and that is not possible. The fact alone that I have to get some cigarette lighters is enough to make me go there.

It was fun spending time with you while I did my chores. 


Sunday, November 7, 2010

According to the polls...

The polls are closed and when I let myself be guided by the results, I have to conclude that the overwhelming majority of you want me to keep writing all my blogs. I think that is okay with me, though I don't know if I will write in all of them every day, because not all of them are equal favorites of mine. Some of them are stepchildren and some of them are visited by very few people. 

Some of them aren't commented on because they are read in readers, which I tried this afternoon in the Google Reader and which is a very impersonal way to read blogs, I think. It doesn't allow you to comment and I don't think you show up in the statistics. It takes the interaction out of blog reading. 

So, I will remove the polls from the blogs shortly, after you've all had a look at them and maybe make up a new poll. I have to think about that. I have to think of one that's inoffensive to everyone, yet controversial enough for people to want to vote in. 

It's starting to be late in the afternoon and pretty dark in here. The rain has stopped falling for now, but there are still lots of rain clouds up there in the sky. I like how cozy it is right now and for a change am not bothered at all by the time of day. I used to think this was such an undetermined time in which the day couldn't make up its mind as to what it was, afternoon or evening. It was a toss up. Right now it seems like it doesn't matter and the darkness closing in is welcome. It will bring peace and quiet. 

I am determined to enjoy the evening as much as possible. It is Sunday, after all, and I want to make the most of what is left of the weekend. These are my last free hours. My God, that sounds as if I have a tough job to go to tomorrow. I guess that's how I look at the weekdays, as tough days that need to get lived through, when it is really the weekends that are the hardest. I do have to get that straight for myself and not live under illusions. I can't keep fooling myself about that. 

Nevertheless, I will enjoy the evening, but it is a fact, of course, that I should enjoy every evening, no matter which day it is and not just relegate that feeling to the weekends. There's no rule that says that you can't enjoy the weekdays. It seems to me that those are not bad days at all. It's some kind of myth I'm living with that the weekends are better days, when in fact I don't experience them that way at all. Let's do some myth busting here right away. If you catch me saying, "Thank God it's the weekend!" again, you can call me on it and tell me I'm very confused. 

Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock my personal helper is going to be here for an hour. That will be just enough time for a shower and a chat and to walk the dog if we do everything in a hurry. That's all the time she's got. I hope the Exfactor can come, because I'm out of a lot of things and was not able to go to the supermarket on Saturday. He said he would be here on Tuesday, but I hope I can change his mind. I've sent him an email and will keep my fingers crossed. 

My coffee has grown cold and old and I can't drink it anymore. It's time to switch to drinking juice. I've just taken my medicines and need to walk the dog again. The weather forecast is so confused, that it shows sun with partial cloudiness while it is pitch dark outside. That gives you a lot of confidence, doesn't it? 

Have a good evening!


Saturday, November 6, 2010

An especially slow start.

I can't seem to wake up today. I've tried it several times now and each time I have to go back to sleep. I don't know how much the rainy weather plays a role in this. It did make me feel like I was held captive in the apartment. Not that I minded that very much. It was quite cozy inside. At one point I slept on the sofa, in my bathrobe with my slippers on, in the company of Tyke and Gandhi. All of us just fit. We were all scrunched together.

A great tiredness lies over me. All I want to do is lie down places in my bathrobe and not move from there. I think it is a way of avoiding things I do not want to do. Instead of going out there in the big bad world, I hole up in here and play it safe. It's a survival tactic that I have when things get too scary for me. I better cancel today and pretend I don't have to do anything, otherwise I'm going to have a panic attack and I'll be in real trouble. Maybe I'll be able to get dressed. That will be something anyway.

Now that I've admitted to that, I'm having a panic attack, of course, and I've had to sit here for a while and try to suppress it. I've taken my tranquilizers in the hope that they will work soon.

My daughter sent me images just a while ago of our old house that we were most happy in through Google maps. It showed the house and the street. I think this got to me more than I realized, because I dream about that house several times a month. I have a horrible ache in my chest and a lump in my throat. I didn't want to move from that house, but was practically forced to, because my husband at the time wanted to make a promotion far away. 

I'm calming down now. The tranquilizers are working. It's hard to be confronted with your past. Especially when you think you've closed the book on it. Well, except for in your dreams. I suppose it's always there in my subconscious. Living and breathing its own life. There's a lot of grief there and it is all unresolved. 

I'm going to lie down now. I feel worn out. Like I've been put through the wringer. I must find some peace and quiet. 


Thursday, November 4, 2010


I've just made a fresh pot of coffee and it is very good. As a matter of fact, it is delicious, even if I do say so myself. This makes me more determined to always make a pot of coffee myself and to not leave it in the less competent hands of someone else. 

If you want things done right, you have to do them your own way and not assume someone else will do them like you want them done, because you will be disappointed. If you're going to stand there and give exact instructions, you may as well do them yourself. 

If you know how to do something well, like take care of yourself, then do it and don't expect the other person to. Not if you have to tell them how. They will be incompetent and you will get a second rate job and nobody will be happy, because you will let your displeasure show and they will feel bad. 

The tip about grinding the coffee fine was lesson number one, this was lesson number two. 

So, I'm enjoying my coffee very much. Actually, I'm enjoying my evening very much and I'm already looking forward to bedtime. I'm postponing it as long as possible, but the idea that I'm going in the foreseeable future is making me happy. I think that very shortly I will put on my pajamas and be ready up to that point at least. 

It is possible for me to sleep late in the morning and if I'm lucky, I will do just that, although it is just as possible that I will wake up in the middle of the night and sit behind this computer. I always imagine that I need a large princess bed with a thick downy mattress and a thick downy duvet and very many big downy pillows and very expensive sheets to sleep well. A bed which you sink into and hardly are able to get out of. A bed that imprisons you with luxury and sleep. 

Instead I sleep on my single bed with the relatively hard mattress and the not so thick duvet and the inexpensive sheets on the not so fluffy pillows with the dog nearly on top of me. So you see what the problem is, don't you? I need a softer dog. 

Tyke ate an extra helping of food tonight. He was begging by his bowl, the poor thing. Now he's very happily lying on the ground by my feet digesting his food. I think he will be comatose for a while. I guess he wants to fatten up for winter too. Maybe he's getting ready to go into a hibernation mode. It would get a lot more quiet around here if he did. I don't think I would like it very much. I would miss his shenanigans and his noisy little growls. 

I think I will put on my pajamas and the television and relax and be an armchair potato for a while. It will be a pleasure to sit and do nothing and have my mind distracted.

I hope you all have a terrific evening!


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

One more time...

I've just taken Tyke for a walk in the real autumn like November wind that blew yellow leaves all around us and ahead of our feet. It was invigorating and not at all that cold. It made me feel alive and ready to take another walk once we were inside again. We will have to go again before it gets dark and I hope the wind will be blowing as nicely then. 

I do appreciate this weather and I want to take advantage of it before it gets too cold to really enjoy it. As long as the wind is not too cold, it is wonderful how it hits your face and makes your skin feel just a bit chilled and look all rosy. I love the way it comes from unexpected directions and whirls the leaves around in spinning circles and rushing waves of color. 


I became very sleepy and had to lie down on the sofa where I took quite a nap. I will have to drink some coffee to completely come to my senses again. The coffeemaker is brewing it now. I have to be patient for just a few minutes, though I find that hard to do. 

There, now I have my coffee. I will be a living, breathing human being shortly. Right now I'm just faking it. 

I was waxing so poetically about the wind and the leaves, but I don't think I can do it anymore. All the poetry has left my body, only dull wit has been left behind to fill up the holes. That and a whole lot of sleepiness. I can't hone my writing skills on them. I will have to use different tactics now. 

My plan was to take Tyke for a walk before it got dark, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. The wind has stopped blowing as blustery and the sun is already getting low on the horizon. And I am still yawning. I need another cup of coffee, obviously...

...Well, instead of messing around with coffee, I took Tyke for a walk, because he would not wait any longer. It was still windy outside and not cold yet, so it was still enjoyable. It is a good thing that we went when we did. It is just starting to get dark and the streetlights are on already. 

I must remember that I like blustery wind that's not too cold. I didn't remember that about myself. It's like it is a new discovery that I made today. How interesting. See how you're never too old to learn things? Even about yourself? 

I am having that other cup of coffee now. It is still very welcome. I've turned the lights on in the living room and will close the blinds in a minute. I see people coming home from their work now, many of them on their bicycles. There are still kids playing outside before they have to go in for dinner. It's Wednesday, so it must be meatball day. That's traditional.

When I think of meatballs, I think of the nice little ones you get at Ikea. I haven't had those in a long time. I can't eat them anymore because of my gastric band and the last time I did, I ran into terrible trouble, because I ate more than I could handle. I'll never forget those meatballs. 

But I still like to go to Ikea. You just need to bring a big, full wallet with you when you go, because there's so much to see that you want and you can easily fill up one of those big shopping carts they have. I have no trouble spending money there. That's probably why I avoid the place right now. It's dangerous. 

It's time to watch the news. I have to go and be informed, although I think it will make no difference if I know how things are in the world. I can only do my share to make it a better one in my own limited way and hope everybody else does their share. I feel very frustrated at times. It doesn't seem that enough people care. 

Have a good evening!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The afternoon's ending.

After spending a long night up, and being too stubborn to go to bed early in the morning, I did manage to get dressed in a nice set of clothes and take the dog for a walk. My nice set of clothes jumped out of the closet at me. I knew what I wanted and it was right there within hand's reach on top of each stack and on the first hanger. They couldn't have been more convenient and they were meant to be. 

After having gotten dressed, I fiddled with my earrings and almost couldn't get the little backings on and felt like my fingers were too big, but I had just used the ointment and that made them slippery. I finally got them on without dropping them down the bathroom sink and took Tyke for a walk. He was much pleased and barked rather ferociously at a large truck that drove by. 

He doesn't like noisy trucks or other noisy machinery such a lawnmowers or leaf blowers and always feels the need to bark at them, even when he is inside and they are at a distance. He thinks he has to chase them away from the neighborhood. He also doesn't like fast boys in souped up cars with loud stereos. He barks at them especially hard.

He pulled me through the neighborhood at breakneck speed and piddled against every tree and bush and lamppost. I do get little breaks that way. Little breathing pauses. When we got home, I was so tired, that I slept on the sofa for an hour and a half. I did feel a lot better when I woke up and no longer like I had jet lag. 

Not feeling like you've been on an intercontinental flight does improve your outlook on life and this allowed me to finally get the mail out of the mailbox that I had been avoiding for a long time. I had suddenly developed a mail phobia and had been scared to get it out. I don't know why this happened. It just overtook me. 

The good news was that I did not owe any taxes over 2009. Hooray. I don't know where I would have gotten the money to pay them anyway. The other good news is that I am done paying my own portion of my medical expenses for this year, as far as that concerned my medications, which are very expensive. I had been paying that off in monthly installments and I'm done. There was no other really bad news. Just a form I have to fill out correctly and send back and a bill and a bank statement. And a book from Bookmooch. 

I had been worried for nothing and the next time I'm getting the mail out of the mailbox right away. I'll just develop some other kind of phobia that's not as inconvenient. The fear of dishes, for example. I always only have a few and they don't stack up too badly and the domestic help will often do them when she has time. That's a much better phobia to have. 

I saw my SPN this afternoon and we talked about the roller coaster of moods that I'm on and how dangerous that really is because I seek the extreme of the high purposely. I create the best possible circumstances for it and make sure it can happen, so everything after that is a let down and I have to go and seek the next high. I'm always in search of the highs.

The re-evaluation of my treatment is tomorrow morning, but I was mistaken and I don't have to be present. I don't know if I feel relieved about that or not. I kind of was looking forward to it, I think. Now I have to wait until next week to hear about the outcome. It's not something we want to discuss over the telephone and I agree with that. 

I have to get my flu shot on Saturday. I just got notice of it in the mail today. I'm so thrilled about it. I have to go between 9 and 10 am. I hope I don't get a sore arm from it and I hope I don't get any flu symptoms. I am mistakingly in the system because I used to be a diabetic. I told them about this last year, but if they want to give me a flu shot again this year, they're welcome to. I won't turn it down. I will start getting one anyway when I turn 60, so a few years earlier won't make a difference. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's that time of the day again. The poor critter needs his outing. 

Have a good evening!


Monday, November 1, 2010

At the end of the day...

Somehow I manage not to go to bed too early, though lately I am ready to go at 7:30 pm. I do force myself to stay up, though, and watch television, no matter how silly the program and how little I really care. In between the serious programs that I do care about, like the news, I play with Tyke and cuddle him, while I also pay attention to the consumer programs and the missing persons programs and the really dumb game shows. A person does have to figure out a way to get through the evening in one piece while entertaining her dog. 

After a while Tyke's had enough and goes to sleep and I've watched enough television and shut if off and put on my pajamas. I turn on the computer for a little while to postpone going to bed until it is really the proper time to go and read blogs and comment on them. I realize how precarious life is and how I'm just a silly game show and one silly little dog away from going stark raving mad. 

Then  I pull myself through that moment and get my act together again and am a tough broad and realize I'm lucky for all the support I get to help me not go under like a sinking ship and I get courage again. I know that in a little while I will lie under my comfortable duvet and listen to the radio, while I slowly drift off to sleep and all will be forgotten. I will wake up in the morning with the same eagerness with which I wake up every morning and go about my business as usual. 

I had to take my earrings out tonight because I had a little bit of irritation. I put some ointment on my earlobes and will reapply it before I go to bed. I hope that takes care of it and that I will be able to put the earrings in again in the morning. I've gotten so used to wearing them now that I will feel naked without them, at least not completely dressed. I do like wearing them a lot and I've put an antique saucer on my bookcase in my bedroom to put them all on, so as to not lose track of them. 

I've got 3 pairs on hangers now and 4 pairs that are studs. I prefer wearing the studs as the hangers get caught in my scarves and pull on my earlobes. I don't want to do without my scarves, as I feel naked without them too. It is my trademark to wear scarves. All my necklaces are hanging on their hooks uselessly because I hardly ever wear them anymore, but maybe will again in the summertime. 

I'm not into necklaces right now, but you do go through phases like that when you like some accessories more than the others. I have periods that I'm really into my purses and change them all the time, but right now I just stick with the same one that's the most practical. I also used to like wearing rings and now I don't at all, though I saved all of them, of course, and there may come a day when I may want to wear them again. I also like bracelets, but not all the time, though I have quite a few of them. Right now I only like to wear my watch. 

I don't like much of anything at my wrists and I'm constantly pushing up the sleeves of whatever I wear, making my underarms bare. I feel I have more freedom then. I do pull them down again when I have to go outside and put my jacket on because I don't want to get cold. It's always pleasant enough inside, though, even though I only have the thermometer set at 19.5 Celsius. 

For some reason, it doesn't get cold in here and it is always at least 20C in here. I do have all the windows closed, so much cold air doesn't get in. I don't want to use much gas over the winter, so I want to use the heater frugally. I'll keep it set at the temperature it is now and see if that will suffice.

I have energy sufficient light bulbs in all the lamps now and try to keep as few burning as I can without letting it be dark and somber in here. I turn off unnecessary lights, without being neurotic about it. I don't want to live in a cave. I'm trying to leave a small carbon footprint, but it is economics that motivates me. I think in the end that's what's going to motivate everybody. Make things expensive and rare enough and everybody will do their best to live frugally. 

I think it's late enough to go to bed now. I'm looking forward to it. I'm all set to go and it will only take me a minute to get in it. I just have to take my medicines and brush my teeth. I will be in the land of comfort in no time.

Have a good night!