Friday, December 31, 2010

Ain't singing the blues now...

It's too early in the morning to sing the blues. Besides, who sings the blues in the morning? Nobody in their right mind would, would they? The morning is still full of promise of things to come. The day is unfathomable and can't be measured until the end of it.  The possibilities are endless, at least, so I tell myself. But then I'm an optimist and I very much do see the glass half full. Except when it's full of ice cold milk and I've been drinking it, but in that case it's quickly filled again. 

Yesterday morning I was at first grumpy when I got up out of bed and thought the day would be endless and boring, but a cup of coffee helped get me over my initial dislike of the day and the day itself got me over my wariness of it. There were enough diversions to make it a worthwhile day and one that was enjoyable, although nothing very special happened at all. It was just ordinary life taking place, but that was good enough. Ordinary life can be very satisfying if you stop and appreciate the little things and are grateful for them. 

Like walking through the snow that is slowly melting, but that is still deep to the point that I sink into it and that makes Tyke have an awful lot of fun. He's hard to move from one place to the next, because apparently many interesting things hide under the snow and he has to investigate them all and finally pee on them. That outing is a whole adventure by itself. 

It's made better now by the new boots I ordered with a much better profile in the soles and that arrived yesterday. I tried them on immediately and much to my relief they fit. I ordered them one size smaller, because on the website it had said that they were a bit large for their size. When I wore them in the snow and on the ice, I was a lot steadier and didn't slip once. I'm still a bit scared, but I'm sure I'll gain confidence with experience. I'm so used to almost falling over, that I can't believe that now I'm not.

I got a huge pile of mail from the mailbox, but when I sat down and looked through everything, most of it turned out to be unimportant, regardless of the seriousness of the sender. It all looked very official, but turned out to be so many storms in glasses of water and I soon had it reduced to a pile of recyclable paper. There was not one bill in there and that certainly made me feel good. There were a couple of Christmas cards which made me feel even better. I considered all of that a piece of good luck.

I slowly got chores done, although I have some left to do today. I have very clean laundry to hang up and another load to wash. I must do the dishes, but first I have to find some interesting clothes to wear. I hope something magically appears from the closet. If not, I'll have to go in search of it. This will not be a problem, as I'm bound to find something I like. The only thing to worry about is to dress warm enough. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and I will send him to the tobacco shop, although I still have a bit of a supply. It's better to be safe and have extra over the holidays. It's New Year's Eve and tomorrow the stores will be closed. Tonight at midnight the whole town will set off fireworks and there will be no going to sleep until 1 am. That's how long it takes for the whole spectacle to end. It would be impossible to sleep through the noise, much as I'd like to.

I wish you a Happy New Year and all the best wishes for 2011. 


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Early in the morning...

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. It's early in the morning still, but I am wide awake and ready for the day to start. I went to bed on time last night and slept well. I was more than ready to go to sleep, because there was nothing on television that I was interested in after I watched the Dutch speed skating championships. They weren't even that exciting to watch and I was only pretending they were. The commentary was almost more interesting than the races themselves. Sometimes you have to fake an interest and act like it matters. I wasn't for any skater in particular, especially since Sven Kramer didn't participate. He was out because of an injury. 

After that it was really time to shut off the television and call it a day. I postponed going to bed for a while, because it was awfully early, but after some time I went ahead and changed into my pajamas. I listened to an interview with a well known architect on the radio and thought that some of it was bullshit. I think people make themselves and their methods and motivations look better than they are. They are asked for explanations and suddenly have to come up with them when they really do things for reasons even unknown to them and not well thought out and planned at all. They are put on the spot and have to look good.

I fell asleep after a while and slept without remembering my dreams. It was just a long dark night. Tyke woke me up because he had to go out. He gently growled at me. I let him out and made coffee. The coffee was most welcome. The first cup tasted like the elixir of life and gave me a kick. The second cup I drank for good measure. There isn't going to be a third cup this morning. I don't need it. 

The snow is very slowly melting as the temperatures are above freezing. There are supposed to be some rain showers today. I wonder if they will be enough to melt the rest of it? It will probably just turn into a big slush, I think there's too much snow and ice. Actually, at this point I wouldn't mind if all of it was gone, because it's no fun to walk in any more. It's downright dangerous. 

My Wednesday personal helper is coming this morning at 8:30. I have to make sure I'm ready before that time. I want to strip my bed and put clean sheets on and run the washing machine. I'll have two loads to do, but I like doing laundry. 

I have to keep in mind that Saturday will be a holiday and that all the stores will be closed. The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries, but he said he would be here on Friday again in case I needed anything else. My shopping list was so short. I keep thinking I've forgotten something crucial. I may need tobacco before the weekend is over, that's something I always have to calculate in. 

Look, I'm just writing down a bunch of nonsense. It's basically to keep you up to date. I'm not planning on doing anything special with my day. If I'm lucky, I won't need a nap. I've completely stopped taking the tranquilizers during the day, so they're not something that make me tired anymore. All I can think I'm doing now is hibernating, although it's possible that the anti-psychotics make me tired. They do have that side effect. I'll know once I decrease them more. 

Have a nice day, everyone. Don't let the weather get to you too much. 


Sunday, December 26, 2010

Slipping and sliding...

Today it is Second Christmas Day in the Netherlands, which is also an official holiday, so even if it weren't Sunday, all life would have still come to a halt. Luckily, it is Sunday, so I won't notice anything of it. That's the fortunate thing about having the holidays on the weekend. 

Still, it does give you a little bit of a festive feeling and that isn't half bad. It does put you in a special mood, you can't help yourself, and you do feel as if you've got something to celebrate. 

Besides, it's hard not to notice all the Christmas specials on television, although they do get awfully sentimental and people get so carried away by them. I suppose that some of the broadcasting networks feel the need to reassert that we're a Christian nation. It's just an observation I'm making. It's not a judgment. A whole theological and social debate could be held about that. It's not an idea to dismiss so easily. 

My sister and I made the town walk yesterday afternoon with the guide and a small group of people. It was cold outside and very slippery in the streets. I had to hold on tightly to my sister so as to not fall down. My boots were absolutely useless, they gave me no grip whatsoever. She prevented me from falling over quite a few times. She was wearing snow boots which worked quite a bit better.

The walk was interesting and we found out all sorts of little details that we had no idea of. We trekked all through downtown and had a break at a cafe halfway through, where I was even allowed to smoke, because they were officially closed to the public and only open to tour groups. I had a delicious cup of coffee there, that warmed my stomach and gave me the energy for the rest of the walk. There was also an opportunity to eat thick slices of raisin bread, filled with almond paste, with real butter on it, but I decided better not to try that. 

We visited the two oldest basilicas and the crypt of the oldest bishop, but we found out that it was empty, because all of his bones had been taken out to be used as relics. He was considered that holy. The stone threshold to this crypt had been completely worn down into a hollow over the centuries by pilgrims visiting it.

The terraces of the cafes were open, but they were all heated and on each chair there was a blanket to keep the customers warm. Unfortunately, we didn't sit down there. I would have enjoyed that very much. I'm a real terrace visitor. I do enjoy watching the people come by while sipping a beverage. 

My sister and I had taken the car downtown, although none of the streets had been cleaned. I think they're running out of salt. There were tracks in the snow to follow where enough traffic had passed. The car has front wheel drive, so there really was no problem. There was a true winter landscape all around us, though. It really was pretty if you didn't have to walk in it. On that slippery ice downtown. 

I had a nice time the rest of the day with the animals and took it easy. I talked to my daughter in the evening and it was good to hear her happy voice. I went to bed on time, tired as I was from my afternoon out, and I fell asleep quickly. Tyke greeted me this morning with much enthusiasm, but that was because he needed to go out, although it's possible that he loves me a little bit too. 

I don't have any plans for today. I'll just let it unwind and see where it goes. I have some chores to do, so those will keep me occupied for a while. I'm not worried about being bored. There will be enough to occupy me (I've got that book to read).

The first thing I'm going to do is go back to bed. I have more sleep in me. It will be quite cozy there. 

Have a good morning!


Friday, December 24, 2010

Gently falling snow...

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee while outside it is still snowing. It has been since forever, but it is very fine snow now and accumulates slowly. Still, there's quite a bit of it out there and it looks wonderful and white and pristine. No one has walked in it yet and there are no tire tracks. It's too early in the morning for that. Every once in a while, I go to the window and push the shade aside and look outside to take it all in. I seem to especially like this round of snowfall. It fits the upcoming holidays, doesn't it? A white Christmas is something special. 

I woke up very happily with a head of short hair and ran my fingers through it. Every hair was in place and that pleased me very much. I must remember to go to the hairdresser on time, because obviously it makes me very happy. There's nothing better than waking up with a decent hairdo. The only thing that bothers me is the terribly itchy skin that I have on my scalp. I scratch it subconsciously and make it worse. There must be a good solution for it.

Today I have a day off, The domestic help isn't coming, because she is sick and there is no replacement. I didn't want a complete stranger in the apartment and they couldn't tell me who was going to come instead, so I begged off. I don't mind if just for once there isn't anyone here. It gives me a little break. 

The Exfactor is going to try and be here in spite of the weather. He'll probably not make it on his motorcycle, but will take the train instead. The buses aren't driving. All services are canceled and the police are only coming out for emergencies. It's even a question if the trains will run. 

I do hope the Exfactor will make it, because he will bring the spare mobile phone that he's got  to replace the one that Tyke demolished and that's left me incommunicado. I feel very primitive without a phone, but at least I'm able to email when I want to reach someone. It's just a little bit slower if they're not behind their computer at that moment. 

I have to go to the tobacco shop to buy supplies and also buy a new cigarette case, because I'm using old cigarette packages now and they fall apart after a while. Besides, I can never get enough cigarettes in them and I'm always running out. They have nice sturdy cases at the tobacco shop and I will pick one out in a pleasant color. It will be an accessory, so it has to look good. I don't want to go around with ratty looking cigarette packages anymore.  I do have to show more class than that. 

I want to go wash my hair with the blond lightening shampoo. I think the girl at the hairdresser's didn't use it this time. It does make a difference with how well your hair looks and it brightens it up just a bit. It's early in the morning still and I have lots of time to do all sorts of things. I can dawdle for a while before I have to get the show on the road and get serious about anything.

Have a nice day.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Affectionately yours...

It's not so early in the morning for a change, because I actually managed to sleep a little later than usual. How I did this, I don't know. I'm surprised myself, but I do feel well rested now and I won't have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I won't have a chance for that anyway, because my Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be dressed and ready before she gets here. 

I'm having my coffee now and have just about used up the last of the milk. The Exfactor didn't make it over here yesterday to do the groceries because of the weather, but he will be here today instead. The conditions have grown somewhat milder and the snow is even melting a bit. 

I've had to make things last and was down to the last of the milk and out of juice and completely out of rawhide bones for Tyke, which he always gets at night when we go to bed. They keep him occupied and out of trouble. At least, they are supposed to. It doesn't always work. Sometimes he devours them in a hurry and has spare time left to go look for ways to entertain himself. 

Luckily, I had lemonade left, so when I was really thirsty, as I am so often, I could drink tall glasses of that, but I miss drinking cold milk and can't wait to have that in the refrigerator again. I have it set on the coldest temperature so the milk will be extra cold.

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 2 kilos and am now just about the weight I'm supposed to be. I'm one kilo over, but I'm sure I'll lose that too. Especially now that I've cut back on the anti-psychotics, because that's the medication that makes you gain weight, no matter how well you watch what you eat. You can eat like a bird and still gain weight. It's very frustrating. 

I have to call the hairdresser today and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It's gotten completely unruly and only looks good when I've just washed it. It's about time that I go to the hairdresser. It's a treat I enjoy and I haven't been for a while. I've been short of money and had to wait for the right opportunity. It's presented itself now. It will be nice to have my hair cut into a decent style again. Something I can easily manage and that is back into shape in no time after I've washed it. You do have to maintain your short haircut. You can't neglect it. That's the one drawback of having short hair. 

I have to get dressed. It's time to get the day started. Several chores await me. It will be nice to get some things done before my personal helper gets here. I'm terribly thirsty and need to drink several glasses of ice cold lemonade before my thirst is quenched. Off I go. 

Have a nice day.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Don't tell me it's Monday already!

Yes, you can get used to the lazy days of the weekend it seems. Even I, who usually dislikes the weekends, can get used to them. It's nice to hardly have a care in the world, like I did yesterday when I pretended I was snowed in. I had gotten up early and written a post for another blog and gone back to bed. When I got up, it started snowing and it snowed all afternoon, adding a fresh layer to the snow that was already there. I dare not guess how much snow there is now, but it's a lot by our standards.

I must say that I kind of like it. I like the snow, but I don't like the ice that's underneath it, that's the drawback. The snow is lovely and for all I care it keeps snowing, but then I really don't have to be anywhere far away from here. The furthest I have to go this week is the office of my SPN and I can walk there. My poor sister has to fly home from Milan and I hope she will make it, because the weather is bad everywhere in Europe and where will she land? 

If you're not  on the road, the snow is nice. It makes you feel that the world has gotten a lot smaller and it has in reality, because your radius of action becomes more restricted. You really do stick close to home. I did anyway, but I feel that I have a legitimate reason now. Nobody expects me to go anywhere far away and far away could be as close as downtown. I'm happy in my little world. I would have made a good villager if I had lived a long time ago. 

It's early in the morning and I'm having my coffee, but I've just about had enough of it. I'm very thirsty and I need to drink something very cool and refreshing. All the juice is gone, so I'm thinking of a glass of lemonade. The Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. He already sent me an email to tell me that he would be here. He isn't bothered by the weather, but it looks like it isn't going to snow anymore. As a matter of fact, there is rain in the forecast. That's a bummer. The temperatures are going to rise and the snow and ice will melt. Oh well, clean streets are nice too. We had those for a little while before. At least the ice will be gone. 

I'm expecting my personal helper and the domestic help today, so I must do some chores. I never did get around to those yesterday. I had a completely lazy day and didn't do a thing. I truly did have a day of rest. I have lots of time to putter around this morning. The first thing I will do is take a shower and get dressed in a brand new outfit. I will have to look through my closet and see what's there. I'm sure I'll find something of interest that's warm enough. It has to be something at least mildly exciting. Something that I will be happy to wear. 

I'm going to be reading a new book by a blogging friend of mine. Her name is Laurie Hertzel and the name of the book is: News To Me, Adventures of an Accidental Journalist.  It's a book I've been looking forward to reading and I just received it in the mail this weekend. Knowing Laurie's way of writing, I'm sure I'll enjoy it very much. I'm not a literature critic, but I'll let you know what I think of it when I'm done with it. I can only read it during the day. It is too dangerous to take to bed with me at night, because Tyke will get a hold of it and destroy it. I sure as heck don't want that to happen, although Laurie suggested that maybe he could nibble around the edges for Toby's sake. Toby was her first dog and is pictured on the back cover. 

Okay, I'm getting the show on the road. I'm off to pick out an outfit. 

Have a nice day, everyone!


Saturday, December 18, 2010

The weekend.

It's Saturday, the first day of the weekend, but I'm not going to let that bother me. I'm going to act like it's a day like any other day and not give it a different connotation. I will get dressed in a little while and take Tyke for a walk, even though he's already done all of his business out back. It will get me in the proper mood for the rest of the day and I do have to go out this morning and go to the tobacco shop. I will be ready and in the starting blocks.

It hasn't snowed any more, despite the predictions, and even though it snowed a lot in the west of the country, we are left with the couple of inches that we already had. I found out that my boots are snow proof, so that's a relief, and they are warm enough. I just mustn't walk around in wet slush with them. I also found out that if I wear thin socks in my hiking boots, they fit a lot better and I don't get a blister on my toe that turns into a permanent sore spot. Of course, I haven't tried them on long distances yet and will not. I'd rather not tempt fate. 

I think I will watch a lot of cultural programs on television today, because Saturday is the day for it, and there will be the news on. There will be sports later on in the day, but a lot of football matches got canceled because of the snow. The cultural programs are about art and literature and architecture, amongst others. They're usually quite interesting, although not always to my taste, but challenging nonetheless. A person does need to be keeled out of his comfort zone sometimes. It gives you an opportunity to think about certain expressions of art and understand them better, even if you don't take to them or are even repelled by them.

Well, I've just taken my medicines and I have to get the show on the road. It's still dark and quiet outside and it will be a perfect opportunity to walk Tyke. We will have the world to ourselves. 

Have a good day!


Thursday, December 16, 2010

On a cold morning...

Yesterday it snowed all morning, but it only gave us about an inch of snow. All that effort for such a little bit. It's supposed to snow more today and we'll see if anything serious comes out of the sky. A few inches of snow would be right. It's very frustrating to see it snow all morning and to hardly have anything to show for it.

I do have the proper boots now and I want to test them out, although I tested them out on the slippery street last night and they seem to work fine and hold their grip. I do have to wear thicker socks with them, as they are a little bit roomier than my other boots. That's okay, I was wearing thin socks and they may not have been warm enough, although that never bothered me.

Tyke was lucky, as I developed a tiny hole in the toe of one of my socks and I could give it to him last night and he was very happy with it and guarded it with his life when he thought I was going to take it away. I saved the other sock, as I have more just like it and they all match up, so sooner or later it will have a partner again.

My Wednesday personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the snow yesterday morning and very pleasant it was too, as it was not really cold and there was no wind to speak of. Tyke tried to follow a trail, but completely lost his bearings and went in a hundred different directions and plowed through the snow like a vacuum cleaner. I had to shorten the leash to get him to follow me properly, because he was beyond control, but it was nice to walk outside with the snowflakes falling down on us and the world looked very pretty and peaceful.

My SPN called me and told me that there was a place open in the creative therapy class at the SPC (Social Psychiatric Center) and that they had advised her to put in an application for me immediately, so that I would be able to start in January. The SPC has moved from its location downtown to a new building just around the corner from the office of my SPN, so it is a lot closer to me now and considering my agoraphobia, this is only serendipitous. I won't have to go all the way across the river anymore into the complicated downtown area. That is one of the reasons why I didn't go before. Hopefully, I will be more brave this time. 

Today is an empty day, although the Exfactor may come by. I don't know if he'll make it through the snow, though. I have to find enough things to do to entertain myself and I'm not quite sure if I can. I do worry about that a little bit. Maybe I have to get some more sleep first. I'll take my medicines and try that. 

Have a great day!


Monday, December 13, 2010

Read all about it...

Well, the first day of the week lies behind me and a good one it was too. I have a very satisfied feeling and can look forward to the evening with a peaceful mind. I feel like I accomplished something and was useful and engaged and it's done wonders for my self esteem.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and made coffee and sat behind the computer until the early morning. Of course, then I got tired and after I took my medicines, I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and went to sleep. I didn't wake up until 11 am when my personal helper rang the intercom. I was so discombobulated. I had to get into action right away, when what I needed was a cup of coffee and a cigarette. 

I tried to speak coherently and pass for a functioning human being, but I didn't become one until after I had taken a shower and got dressed with a lot of difficulty and made a pot of coffee and had a cup. Then I felt like a human being who could participate in a grown up conversation. It was a great relief when I felt my mind start working normally. After that I started making sense. 

We dressed for the cold and took Tyke for a walk. It was very invigorating outside and the cold felt great because we were dressed warm enough. Tyke was a bundle of joy. He piddled on every twig and sniffed everywhere he had not been for a while. He pulled me along the sidewalk at high speed and then would stop in his tracks to investigate something minutely. It was stop and go and nothing in between. He was a happy puppy beside himself who forgets the world around him.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would not feel bad about how I spend the weekends and just make the best of them and not sit and mope about them, but survive them as well as I could without guilt feelings. If I feel myself perk up on Sunday afternoon, then that's all the better and I can take advantage of that and do whatever I have not gotten around to the rest of the weekend. I'm not to moan and complain about the weekends anymore as long as I find a way to survive them. And I do. In my own convoluted way.

Just as she left, my domestic help showed up and we started off with a cigarette and a talk. Then I had to clean up all the Trivial Pursuit cards that Tyke had pulled out of the box that was sitting on the bookcase in my bedroom. There were hundreds of those cards and they were spread all over the place. He had gotten to them by climbing on the rattan chair. The smartest thing to do, of course, was to move the chair. For some reason, this very obvious thing had not dawned on me before. Now he can't get to the higher shelves of the bookcase anymore.

Then I did the dishes, which I should have done on Sunday, but never got around to, and I cleaned every one of them down to the last teaspoon. Even Tyke has clean bowls. I don't like doing the dishes that much. I find it a frustrating job because the water slowly drains from the sink. It is because of a faulty plug and I have to keep refilling the sink and it's hard to get the water temperature right. I need a different faucet and a different plug. Or a dish pan to do the dishes in.

I turned down the thermostat and opened all the windows to air out the apartment, which is necessary when you smoke. It didn't help much because it didn't get colder than 20.5C in here. The kitchen window was stuck and I couldn't get it open. It would have made a difference. There was no wind, so no draft to speak of, and the little windows at the top of the living room windows don't let in much air. That's really noticeable in the summertime when you want the heat to escape.

I also had not gotten around to hanging up the laundry and got that done. I filled the rack  and am slowly getting the next load ready. I will look in my closet and find clothes to wash. Whatever smells like smoke will go in the laundry. 

The domestic help stayed for awhile after she was done with her work. We talk and bond and get to know each other. She does always try to please me and makes the extra effort and the better we get to know each other, the harder she tries. But I also try to make it as easy on her as possible and try to do things  before she gets here. 

After she left, I moved the very big scratching pole out of the spare bedroom into the living room and put it in the corner where Tyke has his toys. He investigated it for a while and then began to bark at it and coming to me looking very indignant. He didn't want that thing there. I told him it was for Gandhi, but he went over to her and shoved her off the sofa. She was very clearly not interested in the scratching pole and didn't even look at it. Tyke barked at it some more, so I picked it up and put it back in the spare bedroom and then peace returned. That was one failed experiment. It looked very ugly there anyway. 

Tyke and I went for another walk and now we're waiting for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. I never know at what time he'll be here, but I have to be home after 6 pm. 

Well, the story has gotten long enough. I'm quitting now. All that enthusiasm...


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Please, don't be...

I'm sitting here early in the morning having my coffee and cigarettes as usual. I've written emails and read blogs and I'm wide awake. It's not nearly time to start the day yet and I'm glad for it, because I don't want the day to start. For all I care, the sun doesn't have to come up for another couple of hours and we delay the day completely. I much prefer sitting here in the dark by the light of my desk lamp indefinitely. There's no pressure on me as long as I sit here under those conditions. 

I'm in a state of avoidance and yesterday I took the whole day off and didn't get out of my bathrobe. I hung out in front of the television and took a long nap. I didn't want to have to do anything that was the least bit complicated and to me everything seemed complicated, even putting away the clean laundry that is sitting in the chair in my bedroom. 

I thought I could pretend to be ill again, but then  I thought, why bother? I just wasn't able to participate in life. That's not so unusual in the weekends and especially not at this time of the year. I do better during the week because there are people here who motivate me to get dressed and do things, but in the weekends I'm a lost case. I imagine that if those people didn't come during the week, I'd be a lost case on those days as well. 

I've especially not been able to write any posts for any of my blogs. I have made several attempts, but ended up deleting everything. I thought, who wants to read this drivel? All it was, was a huge cover up job to make myself look better than I was. To make my life look more interesting than it was. I thought that if I wrote down everything into the tiniest detail, it would look like something, but you can't pull the wool over people's eyes like that. They do catch on to the fact that you're filling up empty holes. 

I've got to try and make something of today while my courage lasts. I have courage early in the morning in the dark before the day starts. When I'm not yet truly challenged. Before I fall into inertia and turn into the cowardly lion. The least thing I can do is admit that I'm hiding and avoiding things. Facing up to your own behavior is always the best thing. 

And dealing with the guilt feelings that come with it. 

Have a good day!


Friday, December 10, 2010

Forgetful time...

It's early in the morning and I'm brewing a cup of coffee. I just had a glass of cold milk, but now I need some caffeine. The milk has made me feel cold and I have to turn up the thermostat to get warm again. I had it turned down low for the night. 

It is raining outside and it looks like it has been all night because almost all of the snow and the ice are gone. The streets and the sidewalks are just about clear again, which is great. There will be no slipping and sliding when I go outside today. I will be able to walk Tyke again in the usual manner and that will be a great relief to both of us. We've been cooped up inside enough and are getting cabin fever. 

I'm sure I've never appreciated rain as much as I do now. I'll be able to ride my bike to the tobacco shop and that is a lot easier than having to walk there on the slippery sidewalks in this neighborhood. Riding my bike had been an impossibility and I don't know how the Exfactor managed it when he went to get my groceries. I suppose he is more fearless than I am and not afraid to fall and break something. Maybe his male hormones make him more brave or foolhardy. Either way, he got them done. 

Today he is coming over for a cup of coffee and the domestic help will be here as well, which means I have to clean up the apartment a bit. I always have to clean up the apartment before she comes. I have to put some order into it anyway, so it will be easy for her to clean it. 

And much to my surprise it is Friday again, which seems impossible. It means I have to prepare myself for the weekend and not have it be another unstructured waste of time. I can pretend I'm sick again and spend it in my bathrobe. It did have its appeal. It made me feel safe and cloistered, as if I was hibernating in a sheltered place.. 

I can also be more engaged and get dressed and take Tyke for regular walks and fill my days with more interesting activities, but then I do have to pull the wool over my own eyes and pretend I have those. I'll just watch a lot of television and act like that matters. There will be cultural programs on and lots of sports. I'll pretend to be engaged by them. I must care about something, recluse that I am. 

I'll find some comfortable clothes to wear that are also warm and I don't have to wear my hiking boots anymore. That's a relief anyway. I can wear another pair of boots. It will be a sport to stand in front of the closet and pick out the right outfit for the weekend. I'll opt for comfort more than anything. I'm in that kind of mood. 

So okay, the weekend will be about comfort and warmth and it's starting today. A day early, I'm cheating a bit. 

Have a good day.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

C'est la vie...

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing the coffee. I can't wait to have a fresh cup. I am in dire need of one. I just had some milk to quench my thirst, but it didn't wake me up. I did function without coffee and managed to write emails that were quite coherent, but I'm yawning still and definitely need the caffeine to get me started properly. 

I craved Nutella and had a couple of teaspoons of that straight from the jar. It is my energy boost and I figure the hazelnuts in it are good for me. It's my secret passion, though I can't have too much of it all at once. There is a limit to how much of it I can eat, but that is good. A little bit goes a long way and takes care of the craving. When I say teaspoon, I mean one of those little teaspoons that are used with china cups  and saucers and tea glasses. Not what Americans consider teaspoons to be. Those are dessert spoons in my book.  

Yesterday, my SPN and I started discussing my second marriage and that brought us back to the very beginning of it in California where I lived then and I had to tell about my situation then. I talked about that period in my life with a lot of nostalgia and love and quite extensively, but later when I was home, I wondered if in my head all this time, I had not romanticized this period of my life too much and forgotten all the gritty details.

You see, I'm sure I have, and that I've only told a little bit of the story and not the whole truth. I think I walk around for years with the romanticized version of my life in my head and have heartaches about it, but when it comes down to analyzing everything, it turns out not to hold up under close scrutiny and the truth comes to the surface. I have to face all the not so nice things about it and destroy the mythology that I've built up around it.

Luckily, I'm willing and able to do that. I'm not afraid to dismantle the myth if it helps me let go of the pain. If they are just fables I've been believing in, then I'm more than willing to stop believing in them. I can't live my life as if it is a movie set or as if I am a character in an exciting novel. I can't have my memories be stuck in that kind of a format. I'm stripped of any romanticism now. I have no illusions about my life. I only see the naked truth. There's not one poetic bone left in my body.

I'm seeing my SPN again next week and I'll deal with the rest of the story and tell the truth. It will be good to have it all come out. 

The ice in the streets and on the sidewalks is covered with a new layer of snow. It will snow some more today. I'm expecting my other personal helper at 8:30 this morning. I have to get dressed before that time and get the show on the road. I wish she wasn't coming quite this early, but we thought it was a good idea to get me started well in the morning. 

Have a good day, all of you.


Monday, December 6, 2010

The frozen world...

I'm having a jolly good time here by myself early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. It's too early for the day to start and do anything seriously active and I can enjoy these quiet hours for a while to come yet. The whole world is silent and as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person awake on the block. There is no sign of life anywhere yet. 

As a result I feel in a very good mood, because I like feeling that I have the world all to myself. It is like being Robinson Crusoe and finding yourself alone on an island with no one else to worry about but yourself. Maybe I have a secret longing for that. No, I would get awfully lonely after awhile. I do need some human contact. Having animals alone for company is not enough. You can only have a one sided conversation with them. 

Tyke would like to believe differently and think we are having a dialogue, but I very often don't quite understand what he wants and have to guess as to his needs that he demands of me. I have to guess until I get it right. It would be easier if he could be clearer from the start. He wags his tail and gets excited if I guess it right. Otherwise he just looks quite dumbfounded at me.

I suppose I am also in a good mood because the weekend is over, although I spent it quite nicely and didn't go crazy. I nursed my little illness and stayed inside because the weather was so bad. It was nice pretending I was very sick because it meant that I was super kind to myself and only did things that I felt like doing. Which in the end was very little like it is most weekends, except that now I didn't feel guilty about it. I guess I can only have a guilt free time off if I think I'm sick. I'll have to be sick more often.

Today I pick up the regular routine. The personal helper is coming and so is the domestic help, but I already started to get back into the swing of things yesterday evening by putting out the trash and getting the mail from the last few days out of the mailbox. And, of course, cleaning up the god awful mess that Tyke had made in the bedroom when he tore apart the old books, the remains of which are now disposed of.  I have to finish clearing the bookcase of all tempting objects today. At least to a height that Tyke can get to. He is a badly behaved dog sometimes.

It will be good to get back into a regular routine, but I don't look back onto this weekend as a wasted one. It was quite cozy and after a false start Friday night, I did re-establish my regular schedule. Up to a point anyway and I did get enough sleep, which always seems to be so very important, but I suppose it is to anyone. I wish for longer nights, but I'm bound to have short ones. It seems getting up is more important than staying in bed to me. It is the call of the silent hours. 

I have to think of a fun outfit to wear today. I'll have to pull open my closet and have a serious look at everything. I'll have to wear layers, because it's a bit cold outside, but here in the apartment it's nice and warm. I don't have to worry about being cold inside. Going into my closet is always a journey of discovery, because I always forget about the clothes I own. Every time I find something that I'd forgotten about and it will be the same thing today. That's the plus side of being absentminded. 

The trash people will be by soon, unless they get held up by the slippery roads. All the slush that was in the streets yesterday got frozen during the night. The paper delivery person will be here any minute. It will officially be the start of the morning. I will have some time to dawdle yet. I don't need to rush. I will take my medicines and wait for them to work. I've had several glasses of cold milk and will make a new pot of coffee and read blogs. The day is young yet. 

Have a great Monday!


Friday, December 3, 2010

Alone in the evening...

Having established that I have some kind of a bug, and that I am somewhat under the weather, I took an aspirin for my aches and pains and decided to be extra kind for myself. The aspirin is not working. I may as well have not taken anything, but you can't say I didn't try. I still ache all over, but maybe it's old age and I'm just now aware of it.

Maybe this is aches and pains and age awareness day. I'll try to have it made official and have it put on the calender. I really think that achy middle aged people need the recognition and that we should not hide our pain under a rock. Once you start to pay attention to your body, you realize you hurt all over, even down to your feet. It would be a shame not to get a day in the spotlight for that. I think we deserve it. We would be able to bitch and complain all day long.

No, besides having my usual aches and pains, I really do think I'm a bit under the weather, because I have a sore throat and a headache also and the aspirin did help those a bit. They're not as bad as they were, but I don't know if it's worth taking the aspirin for. It doesn't make that much difference. I'm not going: hallelujah, I'm feeling so much better now. 

I already showed these on my other blog, but these are the boots I ordered from Scapino that look like Ugg boots. They have a lining in them and are bound to be warm. They have profiled soles, which I hope will help me walk on the icy streets and sidewalks that may be clear of ice soon, because it's supposed to rain tomorrow and Sunday, which will make these boots unnecessary. Nevertheless, winter isn't over yet and no doubt I will need them later this season.

I am, once again, thrilled that it's the weekend. Will I never learn my lesson? I look forward to the unstructured time, while I know that can be a pitfall for me. I'm going to spend it being sick, or not and I'm going to feel great and enjoy the time in between showers and take Tyke for walks and avoid the slush that will be in the streets. 

The wind will come from the south west, so it will not be too cold. Ha, I'm an optimist. It's going to be 3 degrees Celsius and feel like minus 4. There's going to be a mix of rain and snow. I just looked it up. Well, I don't know what to make of that. Will the rain melt the snow or not? How curious! I can't wait for tomorrow. 

I've just gotten myself another cup of coffee. My attention was starting to wane a little bit. I need to be a bit more alert when I write a post. I can't sit here with a half awake head steeped in other thoughts than what I'm supposed to be paying attention to. It is very crucial to stick to the matters at hand. 

My personal helper did get here yesterday. She took the bus from her home in the hills into town and then walked to where she had to be. She was completely dressed for the snow and the cold and I had her thaw out first with a cup of coffee. She had to peel off layers of clothes and we thawed out her boots on a towel in the hallway by the radiator. She had to see clients in outlying villages after she saw me and had to walk to a bus stop to take the bus there. She had to leave here on time to get there, the poor thing.

I walked to the tobacco shop afterwards and discovered clean streets and fairly clean sidewalks where the city had sprinkled salt on the roads and the people had done the same on their parts of the sidewalk. It wasn't perfect, but nearly so. It did make me feel a lot safer, because although I was wearing my hiking boots, they didn't keep me from slipping the way I had hoped. They were pretty clunky as a matter of fact and I did not feel at all gracious in them. They never did bring me much comfort.

Tyke's finally settled down. He's gone sound asleep beside me. He did keep himself busy with all sorts of activities, including investigating why Gandhi was so fascinated with an empty cardboard box and he thought maybe he ought to be also. He did try to get into it, but was unsuccessful and it fell over, much to his surprise. Young dogs are so clumsy, especially when you compare them to cats.  Tyke's always knocking over things or bumping into them. It's amazing that he hasn't given himself multiple concussions yet when he chases his ball. He never even seems dazed by that. He's got a hard head. 

Gandhi is sound asleep on the sofa. She's tucked in like a hand muff. She's got a compact fluffy shape. She's such a good cat. She doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I hope she lives for a very long time.  I think she is nine years old now. I'll have to check her passport. 

No, she is not going to be nine until April next year. People always think she is a lot younger, though. Tyke is going to be 21 months old tomorrow. I'll buy him a cupcake for his 2nd birthday.

Well, that's it for me. I've got to read some blogs until I get tired enough to go to bed. 

Have a good night!


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thursday morning....

It's early in the morning and outside it is snowing, covering the treacherous ice that is on the streets and the sidewalks. The street looked like an ice skating rink earlier and it was nearly impossible to cross it. When I walked Tyke last, I felt like I was taking my life in my own hands. Maybe this new snow will solve the problem, I certainly hope so. There just has to be enough of it to really form a thick layer to cover the ice well.

Because I didn't have the proper boots to wear and only had the kinds with slick soles, I ordered a new pair with profiled rubber soles on line yesterday. I thought I would have to get hiking boots, but I actually found a pair of attractive boots that are fashionable and functional. They are from Scapino, which is a funky brand of shoes and boots. I'm unable to post the image of them to show you, but hopefully they will do the job and carry me across the streets and down the sidewalks safely.

The reason I'm up so very early, is that I went to bed very early. I was tired and couldn't stand to stay up and longed to go to sleep. It would have been nice if I had slept late, but I have no such luck. I wake up after I've slept the requisite hours. I had taken a nap yesterday afternoon on the sofa, so that took care of some of my sleep requirements. 

I do actually always get enough sleep one way or the other. Sooner or later I catch up on whatever I'm lacking. It was nice to sleep on the sofa. I had an extra thick cardigan on over my regular clothes and I laid under the red fleece blanket. I really should crochet a blanket to lie under for on the sofa. Maybe that is something that I can do in the near future. It would be a fun job.

My personal helper is supposed to be here today, but only if she manages to make it from her home in the hills to the town. She did have some concerns about driving under these kinds of weather conditions. She actually has a phobia about driving on snow and ice and who wouldn't when there are hills? I told her that if she was worried about making it to my apartment, she didn't have to come, so we will see. 

I do somehow have to make it to the tobacco shop and I have to take some mail to the mailbox at the same time. I'll walk Tyke also while I'm at it. I think I'm going to have to wear last years hiking boots and risk getting a sore toe, because I'm too worried about slipping and falling down. It will just be for today. I ought to take that chance. I should get my new boots this evening, so tomorrow I'll be able to wear them. 

I have to take a shower shortly and find some interesting clothes to wear. Fashionable, but warm. Try and pull that one off. It's a challenge, but I'm sure I'm up to it. Already the little gears in my head are spinning. 

Have a good morning!