Friday, April 27, 2012

On the success of not smoking...

I've had to keep myself entertained yesterday because I couldn't waste my time sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and numerous cigaerettes. That was onne of the methods I used to sit and contemplate my navel, but it is no longer possible since I quit smoking. I do still sit in my armchair on occasion but I don't contamplate my navel too much. I'm really not lost in thought as I dreamily peak through the clouds of smoke I exhale. 

I have to find other ways to fill my time now and it can be a bit of a problem because I'm an organized person and there really isn't that much to do. Yes, if I really think about it long and hard, I can think of chores to do that I've been putting off and that need my attention but they are not pressing matters. They are not shouting out at me to be done. 

I think what I'll do is take a trash bag and make a round through the apartment and just start filling the bag with obsolete items, be they big or small. I'll get rid of anything I'm doubtfull about and that includes the items that are in drawers and baskets that are sitting around. These are the catch all places in which things dispappear and then never see daylight again. 

It's almost 24 hours since I've quit smoking and it hasn't been difficult. Of course this is the third time I've quit and it is all so familiar to me. I really don't have much of a problem not lighting up a cigarette and very seldom feel that I have to. Sometimes I have a longing for one but the feeling is short lived. I just imagine myself inhaling smoke and how awful that really is and that helps me get over it. 

I aired out the apartment very well yesterday. I opened all the windows, and because it was windy outside, a good draft blew through. I don't smell the difference because no doubt my sense of smell is still impaired but I'll repeat the process today until I can be fairly sure that it smells good in here. I do have to spray the furniture with Febreze to get the smoky sell out of it.

It threatened to rain all day yesterday so I didn't hang any of my clothes outside to air on the clothes line. As it was, it didn't rain at all. I think I will just wash most of them in that good smelling washing powder and have that be good enough. There's still rain forecast for the next few days so I will dry them on the clothes rack in the bathroom. . 

I had an opportunity to smoke yesterday when I was at the hairdresser. I was offered a cup of coffee and a cigarette but I turned both down. I can't start making exceptions and I simply don't want to smoke anymore. I'm doing very well without it. 

I did get a good haircut and I'm happy with it. It's very easy to take care of hair and I should have gone in sooner. I thought it was barely time to have it cut but I was wrong. I could have gone a week ago or sooner. I was using way too much hairspray to keep my hairdo in place. 

Middle aged women do look better if they have decent haircuts. 


Thursday, April 26, 2012

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.


Monday, April 23, 2012

Post weekend...

I'm sitting here ever so cozily in the middle of the night in my red bathrobe with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. For a while I can pretend there's not a problem in the world. Things did get awfully close this weekend with a collapsed government and a train wreck, but for now I will forget about them and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. 

I just made the dog happy with a rawhide bone. I didn't realize that he had none left to chew on. He was taking apart his little stuffed cow and had just pulled the stuffing out, so it was high time that I gave him that bone to chew on. He's a true dog and likes chewing on things more than anything. The rawhide bones do keep his teeth clean and he has very good breath. He doesn't go for a check up until August and then the vet will look to see what shape his teeth are in and if they need to be cleaned. 

The cat is sitting very indifferently on the fleece blanket that's lying folded up on the armrest of the sofa. She's got her back turned towards us to show she really doesn't care. She can be so aloof at times. It's because the dog was completely ignoring her just now when he was busy with his bone and she was trying to get his attention. I'm sure her feelings were tremendously hurt. She's sulking now and maybe not as indifferent as she pretends to be. 

I had one cup of coffee and that's all I needed to become alert. At times cups of coffee are very important to me and at other times I don't care so much and glasses of milk are more important. They seem to hit the spot better and do the work of waking me up and keeping me mellow at the same time. I never know ahead of time if they are going to agree with my stomach but tonight they are. 

I wish for it to be the weekend another day or so because I liked the days of leisure that I had. Except for the events on the news, not much exciting happened and that was fine with me. I was affected by these events and they did touch me in more ways than one. I was angry about the one and sad about the other. You can't help but have these things bother you and you do spend time thinking about them and pondering the effects of them on a group of people in specific and the country as a whole.

I must go back to bed now and finish sleeping. I'll have to eat something first because I'm hungry. I think I'll have some Greek yoghurt. 

I hope you're all having a good night.


Saturday, April 21, 2012

The weekend...

Having established that I'm slightly depressed, I don't feel that I have to keep up appearances and put on a cheerful face. The timing of it is actually good because I can spend this weekend nurturing it and taking care of myself in the best possible way. That means not taking on anything that requires a lot of effort or that can cause any stress. It's my intention to indulge myself and only do things that make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Although I said before that I was maybe not in need of a lot of sleep, it's something that I do want to do my share of and I think it may be one of the ways to spend my time pleasantly. I'll have to see how that develops. It's possible that the naps I imagine I'm going to take are actually not going to happen at all. Then I'll have to find other ways to pass the time as pleasantly as possible. It's pretty much up to me, whatever I think works. 

It's fairly early in the morning and I'm planning on going back to bed shortly. It is Saturday after all and I have no obligations other than taking care of the animals. I like the unstructured way I'll be able to spend the day. I don't know why I only have that feeling on the weekends because nothing prevents me from having it during the week. I suppose it being the weekend makes it more official and allowable. It's as if it is sanctioned by law. 

It was raining earlier and that made it very cozy to be inside. For a minute there was a bit of a deluge but it soon eased up again. It's supposed to rain off and on for the rest of the day so it's perfect to stay home. There's not going to be any better weather ahead until the end of next week. That's a long time to deal with rain and low temperartures.

I must not fall into the trap of thinking I have to fullfill some special duty today. Already I'm trying to justify my existence. All I have to do is just be and get through the day in one piece.

I hope you'll all have a great day.


Friday, April 20, 2012

The next day...

It just turned into the next day and I can forget about yesterday which was a boring day as Thursdays usually are. They are because I normally don't have anything planned on Thursday. That is silly of me and unforgiveable and there is no real reason for it. Why should Thursday be an empty day, for god's sake? There is the weekend ahead of me with enough spare time to do as I wish and I don't need an empty day during the week.

I was trying to change this by signing up for a creative therapy class for psychiatric patients. I had an appointment there earlier in the week. I checked it out but it was a dismall place and not something I want to go to once a week. It looked like the place you go to when there's nowhere else left to go. Because of budget cuts, the best part time therapy facilities have become beyond my reach. We have this government a lot to thank for. 

Not to get stuck on a downward note, let's talk about something completely different. And what would that be? I don't know yet but I'll come up with something. 

I'm sitting here in my red bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee from the most excellent coffeemaker. I'm more than wide awake enough and really should switch to a glass of cold milk now because I'm very thirsty. The cold milk will give me an alternative mood that will be completely different from the one that is caused by the coffee. That's the way it is. Different beverages cause different realities. I need the caffeine to make me alert and I need the cold milk to make me mellow.

It's amazing what a beverage can do, isn't it?

I'm relieved that today is Friday. It means that I've nearly completed another week and that I'm ready for the weekend. I would like to spend it sleeping, although I think that's not going to be possible. I don't think I have that much sleep in me now, not like I did earlier in the week. 

The Exfactor and the domestic help will be here today so I will have some company of the agreeable kind. Well, I usually do anyway. There's no disagreeable company here ever. 

I'm getting awfully sleepy and am going to have to go back to bed. The cold milk has made me very mellow and there are some hours left to sleep before it's morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.


Wednesday, April 18, 2012


This morning I had to take the dog for a half hour walk to the trim salon. Some of that walk was a bit uphill. I had mentally prepared myself to make it knowing that it was going to wear me out because I try to walk at a steady pace. The sun was shining and there was again a blustery wind. Even though the dog tried to dawdle along the way, we made it in half an hour and I only had to rest for a few minutes before I was ready to make the walk home again. 

Once I got home, I was a little bit sore in some areas of my body and I took a painkiller to prevent worse. Then I drank a couple of glasses of milk while I rested up in my armchair. I made sure I didn't slouch but that my back was supported well because that's where my problems seem to start when I walk a distance. An hour later I got myself together and walked the half hour back to the trim salon. 

When I got there, the dog saw me through the glass front door and went nuts. He tried to dig a hole through it to get to me. Needless to say, I got quite an emotional welcome once I was inside. The dog was quite beside himself with joy and he was more than ready to go home which we did leisurely and it took us forty minutes.

The cat was waiting for us behind the front door and was seemingly very happy to see the dog. The dog was happy to be home. He was quite wound up from his adventure and I had to settle him down by petting him for a long time and speaking to him gently. He's now sound asleep in the armchair but ever so alert to my every move. I can't do anything without him waking up and coming over to investigate. 

He does look very good with his short fur and when he walks, his short trimmed nails make a tip tap sound on the linoleum. It sounds very funny, as if he is a little lady walking on her high heels.

The Exfactor had brought me the new coffeemaker on his way to work, which was really out of the way and very kind of him, so I could finally make some decent coffee. Let me tell you something, it tastes great. I didn't know what I'd been missing. I've seldom enjoyed a cup of coffee as much as I enjoyed that first cup and I need not have worried about my coffee making skills, they are intact.

Now I've got to take a nap. I'm slightly tired and my feet hurt. I really don't have the proper footwear to go for longer walks in, at least not at a steady pace. I must investigate how much a pair of good sport shoes cost. My feet need more support. 

Have a good day.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Before I take a nap...

I don't even know if I'm going to take a nap yet. It may be one way to get through a seemingly long and boring afternoon. I've already had a busy morning and there's nothing on the program for the rest of the day. I did get up early this morning before the sun had even gotten up properly. It was good to get an early start and walk the dog first thing once I was awake good and well. 

It was very cold this morning having gotten down to freezing during the night. Even in my winter coat I was not warm enough. There's a blustery wind blowing from the south, which is at least warmer than one blowing from the north. As usual, I can't get warm enough and am chilled down to my bones. I'm drinking hot coffee to get a little warmer but it hardly seems to help. I'm probably not carrying enough fat.

The Exfactor showed up first and was a welcome sight. I actually didn't need that many groceries but it was good to see his friendly face. He told me all about his long and cold weekend and his adventures on his motorcycle and all I could think was that I was glad that I wasn't on the back of it. I prefer comfort and warmth. Like sitting in a cozy car with the heater turned on. 

I made a short shopping list and asked him to be on the look out for a coffeemaker because I'm starting to long for real cups of coffee now. The Exfactor is usually in and out so many stores during the week that he is bound to run into one. The groceries were quickly done but I do have to eat one of the Greek yoghurts soon because the Exfactor accidentally poked his finger through the lid of one of them. That will be my mission for today then. 

My personal helper showed up next and we had a good time chatting about everything under the sun. She tells me many things she's not supposed to tell me and I have a good time listening to all her stories. Sometimes I fall out of my chair in amazement. I laugh at the ridiculousness of management and the silliness of bureaucracy. You wouldn't believe how bad it gets. I tell her that sometimes it sounds like she's in a very badly directed film. 

I've walked the dog for the second time and picked up the apartment. I have no laundry to do and no dishes to wash. I can't think of a thing to do. I've washed my hair and got it to look properly tousled again which was a bit of a job because it was so squeaky clean. I did have to put a lot of hairspray on it but now even this blustery wind can't destroy it. The only thing that would is a hurricane and I don't think we're about to have one. 

I've changed my clothes because I was too cold and because what I was wearing was tight and made my stomach stick out too much. I looked like I was several months pregnant and I'm too old for that. I can't get away with it. I'm wearing something a little more forgiving now. I have to remember to get more tops like this. I can't go around constantly holding in my stomach. I'm bound to forget and look silly. 

I've got to look for something to keep me occupied. How does a middle aged woman stay out of trouble? I can think of ways to get into trouble but they may not all be socially acceptable. 


Monday, April 16, 2012

There's more than meets the eye...

The darn dog woke me up not too long after I fell asleep and now, of course, I'm sitting here trying to be wide awake with the aid of a cup of coffee. I'm actually in a pleasant sort of state of mind, slightly drowsy but awake enough to function. My head is a little bit fuzzy but I think I can make sense, although I feel the slightest bit stoned. No doubt the coffee will sober me up in no time. Caffeine has been known to do that to me. 

I do want to take advantage of this pleasant state of mind and write something agreeable. Maybe I am so soft of heart now that I will only write nice things, although I'm sure you're going to accuse me of always doing that. Maybe I only think less agreeable things and don't actually write them down. If not, I must get more brave and stick my neck out more often. It's not my job to only be nice after all. 

Tonight I am more than willing to be nothing but entertaining and kind but I must stay in this state of mind. Maybe I should stop drinking coffee. I don't want to make any spelling and grammar mistakes however so I do have to be on my toes. My spell check only works for the Dutch language and marks just about every word I write wrong. Everything is underlined in red. This makes things very confusing and I really have to be very alert. 

I would like to be full of piss and vinegar but I have to take on a different role for that. I do have someone to take as an example for that and her way of blogging is a great inspiration to me. She tells it like it is and then some. I'll keep her under wraps and not reveal who she is. I'll try to be more like her and she can be my mentor. I'll keep her in mind as I make my own feeble attempts at being astute and profound. I do  think the caffeine is starting to take affect now. 

So you see, I've gone from wanting to be entertaining and kind to wanting to be full of piss and vinegar. So what will it be? It's a toss up. I think I'm as yet sitting on top of the fence but I must choose sides. 

I shouldn't have had the coffee and then at least out of my muddled mind something controversial would have come to the surface. That's the problem when you drink mind altering beverages. They also alter your ideas. The caffeine evened out my thought processes and now I have nothing interesting left to talk about. The next time I'm having a drink. That's a mind altering beverage too but maybe it will work less inhibiting. I may actually say something astounding.

At least I'm still yawning so I'm not completely lost. There are some vestiges of sleep left in me yet. Let that be of some comfort to me. Maybe out of this last bit of drowsiness something profound will arise.

Well, don't hold your breath waiting for it. It will have to wait until the next post.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't it wonderful to reward yourself regularly just for being a human being and for doing the best that you can? You don't have to perform any special deed to deserve the reward. Just living well is enough. We shouldn't feel that we always have to jump through hoops to get a pat on the head. Sometimes just making it through the day should be more than enough. 

In my case I reward myself with something nice to eat. Not something decadent and fattening but something that will agree with my stomach well and that's for the most part nutritious. But it will be a food I enjoy eating. I can find great delight in eating a banana for example and I make sure I enjoy the experience completely. 

Of course, one of the really nice things I eat is Greek yogurt with brown sugar. I really sit down well in my armchair for a bowl of that and savor every bite of it. It's one of the kindest things I can do for myself and I think I deserve the whole bowl just for being your average, every day person. Someone who does the best that she can and makes it through the day intact. 

And that's not because my life is such a battle, though you could say that it consists of many small battles, but because life in general is not a bed of roses for anyone. And, after all, roses do have their thorns, don't they?  Actually, I lie about life not being a battle, it has been a great big ugly battle at times. It's even been all out war.

All the more reason to reward myself on a regular basis. I don't mean that you should indulge yourself in every whim because that would defeat the purpose. But you should defintely create special moments for yourself that make your feel good and warm all over by whatever method that happens to be as long as it's legal. I do want to emphasize that point. If you get a kick out of shoplifting, I don't suggest you do that. 

That's the thought I woke up with this night and I realize it's armchair psychology. Anyone can come up with this philosophy and I'm sure many people have. I'm sure I'm not a lone voice calling in the desert but maybe I planted a seed. 

In the meantime I'm sitting here having a halfway decent cup of coffee and my cigarettes. That's another way of rewarding myself. They're kind deeds I do for myself but they're such ordinary, often in a day things that I almost take them for granted. I do say almost, I never take them for granted completely and I do appreciate them every time. I'm fully aware of their effect on me and I would not be the same person without them.

I've got to indulge in some other activity now and then go back to bed. I hope you're all having a good night. 


Saturday, April 14, 2012

On a cloudy night...

I am happy because in the morning the Exfactor will do the groceries and I will have good things to eat in the apartment again such as Greek yoghurt and vanilla pudding and bananas. I had scrambled eggs for dinner and they weren't very exciting, although they were filling and, I suppose, good for me. I can't wait to have the Greek yoghurt because that's by far my favorite food to eat now because of its concistency, although I still like the vanilla pudding very much because of its creamy goodness.

I feel like there's come some variety in my diet especially since I've also added the drink yoghurt and the buttermilk. The bananas are also a great treat and I may try to find another fruit that I like as much and that is as easy to eat and digest. They are on sale right now so I will keep buying them. The dog also likes them very much but I should really feed him apples and save the bananas for myself. He is very fond of apples and thinks they are a real treat.

I've got to think of fun things to eat to make my diet as interesting as possible because I was down to just a few boring foods and not eating any fruits. It made my meals rather unappetizing and eating was just something I had to do to fill my stomach. Now the excitement is returning back into it. I will go to the supermarket with the Exfactor and see what other things look good. Maybe there are more foods I can add to my diet to put some pizzazz into it.

All that talk about food made me feel hungry and I am having a glass of drink yoghurt now. I think I prefer it to buttermilk. It has the same sort of consistency and sour taste but with a flavor and it's non fat.

Look at me carrying on about food as if there is nothing else to worry about. It is true that it plays a very important role in my life. More often in the very small amounts of it and the restricted variety. Naturally I get a little excited when I find out I may be able to expand on it.

I'm still sleepy enough so I know I'll be able to go back to bed without a problem and go back to sleep. I've got lots of time to do that, though, and no rush to go. The night is young and it is in the wee hours still. My bed is not yet like a siren that calls me.I really have to get some better pillows first before it really will, I think. The kind that your head sinks into yet are supportive enough. The old ones have seen better days. 

I am yawning an awful lot, though, and maybe I will be back in bed sooner than I think. The dog is sound asleep beside me on the floor. He's been out back and is all settled down for the night. He will follow me to the bedroom and get on the bed with me when I get in. Hopefully he will sleep late in the morning and we can have a leisurely time waking up. I do need to drink my cup of coffee peacefully before the Exfactor gets here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 


Friday, April 13, 2012


It's clear that I feel the need to write a post and you may ask yourself why when I have written one not such a long time ago. It's obvious, of course, I like to see my thoughts reflected back to me in black and white. It makes me feel that I really exist. Without the act of putting down my thoughts in a structured form, they would not take on any real meaning and would not become as clear to me. 

This is really a way of thinking out loud and giving shape to what is yet unformed in my head. The best thing about writing them down is rereading them and gaining understanding. I reread them immediately and some time later down the line when I have forgotten them and can be pleasantly surprised again. They usually offer some insight into the way I rationalize my behavior and think things through. It's a way of analyzing myself. 

I read between the lines and remember whatever was important to me at the time and what sort of mood I was in and what I didn't put down. My memory does not forsake me yet. I'm carried back instantly to the time I wrote it. Whole scenarios play themselves out in front of my eyes. Luckily, lately there's not been a lot of drama. 

The end of drama came with the end of my marriage so there has been no drama for almost four years, except for the occasianl bout. Those occur less and less frequently as I slowly normalize. If the word exists, it is possible to become it so I want no arguments about that. 

Speaking of exes, the Exfactor will not be able to go grocery shopping today so I will have to go without Greek yoghurt and bananas and vanilla pudding. That is a hardship that I had not counted on. I had planned everything down to this very day. I will have to eat different foods today and those are whatever is left in the cupboards and the refrigerator. I'm sure I'll manage but it won't be as exciting. I've got enough milk anyway and enough instant coffee. 

I haven't gotten my new telephone number in the mail yet so officially I can't make any phone calls. Of course I've got my mobile phone so I'm not cut off from the world conpletely. I had memorized my other number really well and hope the new one is equally easy to remember. I'm going to be very careful about who I give it to. Few people will have it. If I had known it was going to be such a problem having a land line, I wouldn't have done it. Now I'm stuck with the consequences. 

It's time for me to drink some buttermilk. It's the first glass I'm going to have. I look forward to it very much and I hope it's a s good as I remember it. It's been in the refrigerator for a couple of days and so far I've been able to resist it. It should be very thirst quenching anyway. Hmmm...that reminds me of buttermilk pancakes!

I hope you all had a good night.


Thursday, April 12, 2012

All in the twist of a hand...

I'm having my third cup of coffee this morning because it's making me feel so good. The coffee doesn't really taste good because it's instant but I like the effect. It's making my mind sharp and helping me think straight and those are nice things to have happen to you. I've been afraid to switch to cold milk in case I get an upset stomach which is more likely to happen than when I drink coffee. Coffee is by far the safest beverage I can drink. 

I took the dog for a walk and it wasn't too cold out there. The sun was shining and the temperature was agreeable. I did have to wear my winter coat but not my gloves or scarf. My head was warm enough too, funky as it is with my latest hairdo. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a hat over it. That would have ruined the whole effect. 

I was supposed to have had an impromptu appointment this morning, but I decided to call over there on a hunch and find out if the person I wanted to see was actually there. It's a good thing I called because she was not, having fallen ill with a kidney stone. I made an official appointment for next week. Things sounded kind of hectic over there and I'm sure they wouldn't have needed me there today. Sometimes a hunch pays off. 

I'm telling myself that there's nothing wrong with today and that I can spend it as agreeably as I want and that is true. I have no real obligations and no appointments. The day is my oyster, although I hardly know what to do with it. I'm in a contemplative mood and can spend it in much silence and solitude doing nothing important. I have no high goals for the day anyway. Peace of mind is my main concern. 

I suppose that's some kind of higher ideal and I shouldn't take that too lightly. What's better than to seek peacefulness? I hope the dog and the cat are of the same opinion. It would be good if we were all on the same wave length.

I wish the weather would make up its mind because now it's overcast and gray and it looks like it's going to rain. It will be cozy enough if it does. I really don't mind. One of my favorite things to listen to is a YouTube recording of a rainshower in a forest. It lasts an hour and is extremely soothing. Whoever thought of recording these natural sounds is a genius. I also like the ones of birdsong in the early morning. 

I didn't have to take a painkiller this morning for my headache. I did take a tranquilizer. and it has probably relaxed me enough. At least the muscles in my neck aren't tight. I'm wearing my glasses constantly, although I thought for a little while that they were maybe bothering me. It turned out to bother me more to have to do without them. I just don't see well enough if I don't wear them. 

I hope you'll all have a good day whatever kind of weather you're having. 


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Aches and pains...

The muscles in my stomach ache from being unwell, but I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee successfully and I've also been able to drink a glass of milk and that is great news. I had to forego drinking the two for quite a while. This means that my stomach is slowly getting back to normal and my nerves are maybe slowly too. I do have to take a tranquilizer every now and then to steady myself, but I think that's a small price to pay for a stressless situation. Besides, I am worth it. 

Because I had hardly been able to eat anything, it was a relief to be able to drink the tall glass of milk. It was filling and nutritious and it did perk me up quite a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards and not so hungry. It was as good as having a small meal. The coldness of it was very pleasant and it also quenched my thirst.

The stress was coming from having too many things to do before my older sister gets here and me worrying about her health and her having a good enough time here. Now that I know this, because these feelings were creeping up on me subconsciously, I feel a bit better and more aware of what the problem is and able to deal with it. In the morning I will take care of everything that needs to get done and not worry about anything else. 

At least I feel well enough physically to be able to take care of things and no longer so ill. That is quite a relief. 

It's tough when your mental problem translates itself into a physical ailment, but once you are aware of it, there is a way to deal with it. I suppose that instead of taking a tranquilizer I could do some meditative exercises, but I'm not really the type to do them correctly to last for a long enough time. I find that taking a tranquilizer works quicker and better. I do rely on medication to get me out of the tough situations, but I am able to get off them when the time is right. 

It is with some amount of anticipation that I sit and think about the coming weekend. It is also Easter after all and my younger sister is giving a brunch for us all. I'm looking forward to that because I hope she is serving fresh croissants. I have been having a hunkering for them. I'm sure there will be something delicious to eat, although there's some question if my older sister and I will be able to partake much having the stomach problems that we do. There will be other people there to do the meal justice, though.

I suppose that I will go back t bed now and get some more sleep, although I'm not tired. Common sense tells me that I need to go back to bed. I can do the dishes instead. That may be a good idea also. 

Have a great day.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Nice and mellow...

It's how I feel right now because I've managed to take a five hour long nap on the sofa. I must have needed it badly for me to sleep for such a long time. Now that I'm awake again, I don't feel the need for a cup of coffee. I want stay in this mellow mood that I've got for a while longer. I'm still yawning and somewhat muddleheaded, but that's okay with me right now. 

I've managed to drink a whole glass of milk without getting too much of an upset stomach so that is world news. My stomach is unpredictable territory and I never know what is going to agree with it. It differs from one day to the next, but I have to say that I am happy when I get to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That's a treat I hate to do without. 

It has rained while I was asleep and the water is still dripping from the gutter out back. I let the dog out there and he got wet from plowing through the bushes. The cat very gently walked around them. The dog has no such sensibilities. Of course he's protected by a thick coat of fur and the drops of water don't bother him. He still does need to get a proper trim. 

I've changed my mind about the cup of coffee because I was a bit too mellow and could not gather my thoughts at all. I've made a pot of coffee in the meanwhile and am drinking a cup now. It has, as if by a miracle, cleared the cobwebs from my head. I can now think properly and make some sense. I was thinking in slow motion before. It was as if I was moving through molasses. 

Now that I've got a second lease on life, I can tell you that I'm in a good mood and that I'm looking forward to the rest of the day, short as it is since I spent most of it asleep. That was really wonderful and I must make sure that I spend more time sleeping and get all of it done before my older sister gets here. I have to catch up on whatever I'm short on. There will be less time to do that when she is here.

There's nothing as indestructible as a mood created by a cup of coffee, especially not if it is a good cup of coffee. I just happened to have made one of those. My measuring skills must have improved over time or I just got lucky and eyeballed everything right. I think the latter is probably more true. That's why a good cup of coffee is always up to chance. It's not a guaranteed thing. 

The sun is coming out again and I need to take the dog for a walk. The fresh air will do us both good. I'll go see what the rain washed away.

I hope you're all having a good day.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cherchez de la caffeine...

I'm having a cup of coffee after I took this afternoon's nap and was so rudely awakened by the ringing of the telephone. I was really done sleeping anyway because I had to make a phone call myself before the afternoon was over. The timing couldn't have been better. 

Usually these kinds of things work out well. As a rule to my advantage. I am lucky that way. Or I just see the positive side of everything, that's possible too. There are always more ways to look at everything. Well, not at everything. There are limits. 

The coffee tastes good but the caffeine is not starting to do its work. I'm not nearly coherent. I expected to be completely so shortly. The coffee was leftover and I just made a new pot. I'll see if that works better. It seems to me that leftover coffee doesn't deliver the punch I require to get me going. I think I've made that observation before.

I've already taken my evening's dose of medicines because I wanted to get a kick start. I tell myself this works, but I don't know if it actually does. 

I've been unable to drink milk today and every glass I've tried has upset my stomach. Needless to say this has caused me some grief because I do like my glasses of ice cold milk to quench my thirst with. It was not meant to be. I'm afraid to try it again now, but sooner or later I will be tempted by the icy coldness again. Hopefully things will go better then. 

The Exfactor put together the six drawers of the dresser and then he ran out of time. He will put together the rest of it later. I was somewhat tempted to do it myself, but then I came to my senses. There are mostly larger pieces left over and those would be hard to manhandle on my own. I'd hate to struggle with them and hurt my neck. 

I'm still using the anti-inflammatory medication for it and I'm going to use it all up, not wanting to take any chances. I'm hardly in any pain as long as I take it and I want to keep it like that.  I have the occasional ache, but I ignore it as much as possible. Mostly I try to stay relaxed and, of course, that's hard to do when you put together furniture. 

I'd hate to have to call the doctor's office to get a renewal for my perscription and tell them that I've not done the exercises. I'm notorious for not doing exercises when I have aches in my body. I'm a firm believer in painkillers. I always get over aches with their help and relaxation techniques. 

I have to end this post and walk the dog. It's that time of the day again. Luckily, it's beautiful weather outside. I don't have to wear a winter coat. 

Have a nice evening all of you.