I got up during the night, although I had vowed not to do that. I wrote a post about that experience, justifying it and making it look like it was not such a bad thing to do at all, and that I could really handle it and that it was unlikely to cause me any problems. That post was, in fact, a load of bullshit and I realized that in the morning and deleted it. I know there were people who read it and I'm sorry that they did, because they must have had their doubts about me and my sensibility.
I did go back to bed after I wrote that post and slept another few hours, but after I had been up for a little while, I rapidly started to cycle downwards into a depression. At first I didn't realize the cause and the effect and I thought I was doomed to have another bad day. I didn't know what to do and thought maybe the medication I was taking was all wrong for me and that all sorts of things about it would have to be changed.
I walked Tyke and then tried to concentrate on watching some cultural programs on TV, but it didn't alter my mood and I thought, "My God, what's the sense in living?" I took my second batch of medicines and laid down on the sofa, not knowing what else to do. I fell asleep there and slept for 4 hours and when I woke up, my depression was gone and I felt fine. Which goes to show you, like I already knew from past experiences, but had forgotten, that when I'm rapidly cycling downwards, I need to go to sleep and seriously sleep for a couple of hours, deeply and undisturbed.
I used to have a sign that said, "You are rapid cycling! Go to sleep!" I don't know what happened to it and I will ask the Exfactor to make me a new one. All I know is, that when I'm rapid cycling, I need a lot of sleep, more than usual, 8 hours isn't going to do it, and a disturbed night's sleep is really bad. I need to sleep at least 10 hours if not more. The depression is cured by sleeping.
So the next time I'm up in the middle of the night and I decide to write a post, and it is a bullshit story justifying my reason to be up, just ignore it. Or better yet, call me on it.
Ciao,
Nora
