On a cold spring day...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off. The bedroom window is open and the heater is turned off. I'm airing out the place and stubbornly refuse to change the situation. I should put on more clothes, but I also refuse to do that. I guess I'm being very Calvinistic and must believe in minor suffering. As long as my teeth aren't chattering, I think I can handle it. On top of everything, I had a glass of cold milk and that made me extra cold. I think I will have a cup of hot coffee next. It's the most sensible thing to do.

My personal helper was here this morning and together we walked Tyke and did the dishes. Doing the dishes with another person makes them less of a bothersome chore. I had just received approval by mail to have 4 hours a week of personal help for another 5 years. Isn't that wonderful? Now we won't have to reapply every year, which is a long drawn out process. This comes at a time of major cut backs when many people have their applications turned down, so I got very lucky.

Getting the approval has taken a lot of stress off my shoulders because I was prepared to get turned down and was worried about opening the envelope when it came in the mail. As a matter of fact, I put it off for a whole day before I dared open it. You can imagine what a relief it was when I saw the year 2016 in the extension box. I suppose somebody is watching over me.

It's overcast outside and windy. It's a cold wind and it's supposed to rain later on. It's not pleasant to walk the dog. I do think I liked the sunshine better, but I can never make up my mind about these things. Inside it is cozy and I have some of the lights on. I'm glad that the dishes are done, but I still have to hang up the laundry and wash another load. 

I've closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater and put on a heavy cardigan. I've also had a cup of coffee. Common sense did prevail.

I'm very sleepy and need to take a nap. I slept 8 hours last night, but I guess that still wasn't enough. I have a terrible desire to go to sleep. I think I will go lie down in my bed and get warm and comfortable.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Always in the morning...

I made the mistake of looking at the alarm clock this morning, not realizing that it had stopped because the battery had died. According to it, it wasn't even early in the morning yet. I felt quite frustrated, because I was all done sleeping, but soon after that, I looked at my watch and saw that it was much later. I do have bad luck with batteries for the alarm clock and I hope this one is rechargeable. I'll have to invest in a package of rechargeable batteries. That shouldn't cost an arm and a leg and I do need them for other things as well. I'll put them on the shopping list for next Tuesday along with a bottle of vinegar to clean the coffeemaker. 

The coffeemaker is making a lot of protesting noises when it spits out the last bit of water into the filter and I know it is because of the hard water and the fact that I haven't cleaned it for a while. It's so easy to forget. I do have to take care of it, because it's a good coffeemaker, although I would prefer a Senseo machine, but I can't really afford one of those right now. I want to get a real one and not one of those cheap imitations that you see for sale sometimes. I have no faith in them at all. I think they'll break down in the shortest amount of time. 

Yesterday was a nice day, although it rained nearly all day. I didn't let that bother me and took Tyke for a long walk in the drizzle. I decided we needed some fresh air and some exercise. We both enjoyed it very much, apart from the fact that we got wet. That's not the worst thing that can happen, though. I pretended that I didn't have a sore knee and walked like it didn't bother me. I doesn't seem to have hurt me at all. It's going to be sore anyway, regardless of what I do. At this point, I think it's the cut that hurts me most. 

There was speed skating on television in the afternoon and that did provide some diversion. The Dutch men did well and I can only be proud of them. I do enjoy watching speed skating, as it's almost hypnotic to look at, especially if they skate a longer distance. It's a very relaxing sport to watch, while being exciting enough too. The commentary is always very good and professional and as unbiased as it can get. There's real admiration for the skaters from other countries, not just our own. 

I didn't get a lot of chores done, but then that didn't seem so important. There was not that much to do anyway. I played with Tyke a lot and gave him some of my undivided attention, which he appreciated very much. Gandhi participated as much as possible, unless it got too rough. She stuck as close to us as she could and retrieved Tyke's rubber toy when it got stuck under the chair. That was good, because I didn't have to kneel down and get it. That's kind of hard on my knee.

The Exfactor came by and I gave him some of my strong coffee and that quite perked him up. I saw him come to live. I think he'd only had tea, which proves my point that it's another beverage altogether. 

I went to bed early, despite my intention to stay up. By eight o'clock I was yawning something awful and longing to go to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there was no stopping it. I listened to the radio for a while, but there were football games on and that doesn't interest me all that much. It seems that football season is never over. If so, I must miss the break. I was thinking about putting on a CD when I fell asleep. 

This morning I will go back to bed for a while, because it's Sunday morning and there's no need to rush the day. There will be enough hours to be up to do things in. It's going to be cloudy and chilly today and there may be a shower now and then. It's not very exciting weather. Mostly very dreary. It's really the kind of weather that makes you want to have a hibernating Sunday, but I suppose I will go for another long walk with Tyke. We'll take the same route we did yesterday, because it was such a great success. It was just long enough to not be too exhausting. 

I hope you all have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

It's 2011...

I realized that this time Christmas and New Year's Eve weren't as bad as last year, because they were the second time since my divorce that I lived through them on my own. The first time was much harder. I was very consciously aware that I was on my own and I felt sorry for myself. I had no such problem this time and made it through just fine. I felt very independent and sure of myself and like the solitude was a choice and not something that was forced on me. I was comfortable with my own company and I didn't feel lonely. 

Last night, at the stroke of midnight, I cuddled and kissed Tyke and wished myself a Happy New Year. I couldn't cuddle and kiss Gandhi, because she was hiding from the noise of the fireworks. She didn't show up until an hour later. I petted her then and she followed me to the bedroom where I could finally get into bed along with Tyke very cozily. I was asleep soon after that. It does wear you out to listen to a barrage of fireworks for nearly one hour. 

Tyke did well. He was a little bit scared, but stayed close to me and I petted him the whole time and soothed his sometimes trembling body. He didn't bark or whine and I thought he was very brave. 

I'm very much aware that this is a new year and I do have certain expectations of it. I have not really made any resolutions. I still have the ones I made along the line last year and I'll continue on with those. They are very simple ones. Just some things I have determined to do for myself. Eat healthy, live frugally, be social and look at the bright side of things. Learn lessons from everything that happens. Nothing happens by chance. 

It's late in the morning now and I have been sitting here for a while drinking coffee as if I have a hangover. I drank milk at midnight. No alcohol for me. I would have enjoyed a cold white beer, but I didn't have any in the refrigerator. I survived without it too. It isn't necessary to celebrate every significant event with booze. It's a myth that it puts us in a better mood. Alcohol is a depressant, so who needs that? 

I'm going to see my sister and her friend this afternoon. She will come and get me so I won't have to ride my bike through the sludge that is the thawing snow and ice. That's a relief. I must eat something before I go. To celebrate the new year, I will eat something festive from my care package. The best thing I've been eating from it was the aged cheese. I have a piece of that every day and it's quite good. I'm down to the last piece now and I will have that tonight, providing I have room in my stomach. It depends on what else I've eaten. 

I must get dressed in something festive too. I must enter the new year correctly with the right amount of color. It won't do to look drab. 

Tyke and I will take a walk through what's left of the snow. There's actually quite a bit of it still. It isn't thawing fast enough for me and on Sunday night it is supposed to start freezing again. I hope they got that prediction wrong, because the street isn't nearly clean yet. It will be nice to be out in the fresh air and not break my neck in my new boots. They have proved to be very steady.

Hava Happy New Year all of you! May it be the best year ever. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekend.

It's Saturday, the first day of the weekend, but I'm not going to let that bother me. I'm going to act like it's a day like any other day and not give it a different connotation. I will get dressed in a little while and take Tyke for a walk, even though he's already done all of his business out back. It will get me in the proper mood for the rest of the day and I do have to go out this morning and go to the tobacco shop. I will be ready and in the starting blocks.

It hasn't snowed any more, despite the predictions, and even though it snowed a lot in the west of the country, we are left with the couple of inches that we already had. I found out that my boots are snow proof, so that's a relief, and they are warm enough. I just mustn't walk around in wet slush with them. I also found out that if I wear thin socks in my hiking boots, they fit a lot better and I don't get a blister on my toe that turns into a permanent sore spot. Of course, I haven't tried them on long distances yet and will not. I'd rather not tempt fate. 

I think I will watch a lot of cultural programs on television today, because Saturday is the day for it, and there will be the news on. There will be sports later on in the day, but a lot of football matches got canceled because of the snow. The cultural programs are about art and literature and architecture, amongst others. They're usually quite interesting, although not always to my taste, but challenging nonetheless. A person does need to be keeled out of his comfort zone sometimes. It gives you an opportunity to think about certain expressions of art and understand them better, even if you don't take to them or are even repelled by them.

Well, I've just taken my medicines and I have to get the show on the road. It's still dark and quiet outside and it will be a perfect opportunity to walk Tyke. We will have the world to ourselves. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

On a cold morning...

Yesterday it snowed all morning, but it only gave us about an inch of snow. All that effort for such a little bit. It's supposed to snow more today and we'll see if anything serious comes out of the sky. A few inches of snow would be right. It's very frustrating to see it snow all morning and to hardly have anything to show for it.

I do have the proper boots now and I want to test them out, although I tested them out on the slippery street last night and they seem to work fine and hold their grip. I do have to wear thicker socks with them, as they are a little bit roomier than my other boots. That's okay, I was wearing thin socks and they may not have been warm enough, although that never bothered me.

Tyke was lucky, as I developed a tiny hole in the toe of one of my socks and I could give it to him last night and he was very happy with it and guarded it with his life when he thought I was going to take it away. I saved the other sock, as I have more just like it and they all match up, so sooner or later it will have a partner again.

My Wednesday personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the snow yesterday morning and very pleasant it was too, as it was not really cold and there was no wind to speak of. Tyke tried to follow a trail, but completely lost his bearings and went in a hundred different directions and plowed through the snow like a vacuum cleaner. I had to shorten the leash to get him to follow me properly, because he was beyond control, but it was nice to walk outside with the snowflakes falling down on us and the world looked very pretty and peaceful.

My SPN called me and told me that there was a place open in the creative therapy class at the SPC (Social Psychiatric Center) and that they had advised her to put in an application for me immediately, so that I would be able to start in January. The SPC has moved from its location downtown to a new building just around the corner from the office of my SPN, so it is a lot closer to me now and considering my agoraphobia, this is only serendipitous. I won't have to go all the way across the river anymore into the complicated downtown area. That is one of the reasons why I didn't go before. Hopefully, I will be more brave this time. 

Today is an empty day, although the Exfactor may come by. I don't know if he'll make it through the snow, though. I have to find enough things to do to entertain myself and I'm not quite sure if I can. I do worry about that a little bit. Maybe I have to get some more sleep first. I'll take my medicines and try that. 

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

On a cold Tuesday morning...

According to my weather bar, it is supposed to be snowing right now, but it looks like we haven't had any snow since last night. I think it must get it's information from the airport which is several kilometers away from town, because it very often shows different weather than what we have here. It lies on a higher plateau, so that may make the difference. 

The world is white and lighter and brighter, and so far the snow is pretty. We don't have any treacherous ice yet. I'll have to go out in it in a while to walk Tyke and test the conditions. I'll wear my sturdy cowboy boots, those are the best ones I've got at the moment. I wore my ankle boots yesterday, but snow got in them and my socks got wet. The snow falls on Tyke's outer fur and he easily shakes it off and doesn't really get wet. He's well insulated. 

I've slept well. I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at 6:30 this morning. That's not a heck of a long sleep, but it's enough for me. I feel I've done well if I've slept that many hours. It did take one cup of coffee to wake me up properly and another one to get me started well. I think I could have stayed in bed a while longer, but I was too eager to get up.

As it is I'm dawdling now and the morning is moving along steadily. The parents have already come by and taken their children to school. The kids were making snowballs as they went along. Tyke's looked at them full of curiosity and he's now sitting in front of the window looking at the white world. No doubt he wants to go out in it. It has started snowing lightly.

I wonder if the Exfactor will be able to get through it on his motorcycle. I assume the major thoroughfares are clear. I don't want him to break his neck just to get here, but he always managed it last winter. I think he sees it as a challenge. I do need groceries and my bike does need to get fixed. Unfortunately, he was not able to get that done when he was here yesterday. All for the lack of the proper tools.

I do an awful lot of daydreaming when I write a post. I spend more time daydreaming than I do writing. Whatever subject I write about,  causes a long string of thoughts to unravel in my mind and before you know it, I'm someplace far, far away. It's amazing the amount of stuff I deal with when I do that. It must have some purpose. I assume these things need to be thought about and that they are subjects that I normally would not get around to putting much thought to.

I look outside and see that, for the sake of fashion, some people are hopelessly under dressed for this weather. They wear everything just a bit too tight and too short and too open. You know they must be cold.

I'm going to get dressed myself and walk the dog. We'll get dusted by the snow and it will be nice.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Getting started...

Because it's Sunday, I had a convoluted day. I spent a lot of the night awake and slept all of the morning. I didn't get up until 1 pm and took my time getting my act together. I was very much discombobulated and needed two tranquilizers to settle down. Then I took the dog for a walk in the icy cold. Although the sun was shining, there was frost on everything, but the cold air felt good on my face and I was dressed warm enough. 

The dog doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold at all, but then he does have on his own winter coat. That's why I don't want to get him trimmed right now, but I am going to have to consider it next month when it is going to get too long and some of it is going to have to get cut off. Maybe he can get partially trimmed and not as severely as he was  the last time. I think he's going to be too cold if it is. 

I need to get back to a normal schedule tonight, because tomorrow regular life starts again. It's okay to be careless for a little while, but I can't keep doing it. I do have to have structure and having a normal night's sleep is one of the things that comes with it. I don't actually enjoy being off my normal schedule like I used to. I do appreciate sleeping through the night. I have a better day if I do. Getting up in the middle of the night is not the thrill it used to be, but then again, I may have made that claim before. 

The sun is going down and it is getting cold in here. I've just turned up the thermostat. I'm shivering in my thinner cardigan. I decided to wear it, because the other one was to warm, I thought. I think I'll make myself a cup of hot chocolate to heat up my insides. It would be nice if I had marshmallows to put in it, but that's wishful thinking.  I'd probably finish the bag of marshmallows before I'd finish the package of chocolate mix. It would still be nice, though. 

I'm just now beginning to feel normal. All this time I've felt that I've been in a bad dream that I could not wake up from. I must have finally got back to my senses. It sure took long enough. I feel like I've walked out of a confusing place into a place where everything makes sense. I can think straight again. It happened as quickly as opening a door and walking through it, but it really makes me think of the saying that when God closes a door somewhere, he opens a window some place else. That's what it feels like. 

I've made my cup of hot chocolate and very delicious it is too. Very filling also. I can't drink it too quickly, otherwise I'll start burping, but since I'm here on my own, it doesn't matter too much. The animals don't mind. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Time to write!

 It's early in the morning and I'm completely awake and ready to go and tackle anything that's worth tackling. I've had my second cup of coffee and barely had any cobwebs in my mind when I woke up. I'm just about to pour my third cup and have a good sit down here. My sore upper back is still sore, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was yesterday. At least the sharp pain is gone and it is now a dull ache. I think one more painkiller ought to do the trick.

I've visited Facebook and did the necessary socializing there. I don't do a lot of it, but mainly keep in touch with family and relatives and the friends that are 'real' friends. People who care and keep in touch one way or the other. I do appreciate that, those little tokens of affection. A person needs all the strokes they can get. I think that's what this socializing is all about. Mutual strokes. I must get better at it myself. I do think it teaches you to be less self centered. 

I've got to go see my SPN today and I'm more than ready to. I want to continue the work that I was doing on my first marriage, but I think I made a lot of headway already. I think I can come to a rounding off now, unless I'm very mistaken and there's a lot more beneath the surface. We will see. Whatever I have done so far has helped me tremendously and I can tell that by the nature of my dreams. They are far less sad and frustrating and are taking a far different turn. I'm even starting to dream about the Exfactor now. Maybe that marriage will be next on the program, although I feel less traumatized by it. I think that maybe the Exfactor got traumatized in it more than I did. I must find out about that. 

Since today is Wednesday, my appointment with my SPN is the only one in my agenda. I will not be seeing anyone else. I will have to do some laundry and straighten out my desk. I need to go through the paperwork that's stacked on it and see what can go. There are many odds and ends lying there that need to be organized and looked at and put a way or tossed out. I also have to try and get the speakers to work on my computer, but how I'm going to do that is not clear to me yet. I will have to fiddle around with them. That's all I can do. I'm not a technical wonder. I never was taught anything about electronics and computers. Maybe common sense will apply. I do have that for practical things. 

My head is on awfully straight this morning, but I lack an enormous amount of  imagination. I seem to be all business. I can't stand it when I'm like that. When I'm only efficient and not imaginative at the same time. I suppose I'm going to tackle everything head on today, without any complicated emotions. Well, I will have my moments of clarity, I suppose, when I'm no nonsense and get straight down to business. Maybe I better take advantage of it. I may get things done that have been lying by the wayside. I guess everybody has days like that in their life when they have good sobering thoughts and get their act together. 

I thought I had temporarily misplaced my dog, but he blended in so well with the interior of the living room that I overlooked him and I just discovered him. He was so quietly asleep and not even snoring. He's always so close to me that I worry if I don't see him. He's not like Jesker who would go off on his own and go to sleep in another room. 

I had trouble seeing through my glasses, until I took them off and saw that they were very dirty, so I took a bottle of window cleaner and got them completely clean and suddenly I could see again. What a difference that made. Everything got sharper contours. Leave it to me to be so absentminded as to not have noticed that earlier. I even do amaze myself at times. My right eye is fuzzy, though, and it needs correcting. 

Right, it's time to take my medicines and get dressed. I need to take Tyke for a walk. The early morning calls me. It's cold out there.

Ciao,
Nora

Company...

The day is unfolding little by little. Between each scene I take a time out. I do that with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and some time spent pondering about what's happened and what's coming up next. Mostly I feel very pleased, because the day is unfolding pleasantly, although I am only halfway there yet. I know the rest of it will be fine too. I feel it in my wind swept bones.

Before my personal helper got here this morning, I did the chores and I did them with good humor and not at all frustrated because I had to do them, like I sometimes do. I owe this to the fact that I have stopped taking a tranquilizer in the morning that always made me feel so tired and like going back to bed. Now I have energy and I'm not dragging myself from room to room trying to get things done hopelessly. It really does make a difference. 

I put clean sheets on the bed and put the dirty sheets in the washing machine immediately. They will have to stay in there for a while, though, because I have a load of laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. I can only handle one load at the time, or I would have to get another rack that I could hang over one of the doors and dry more laundry on it. It would work, but it isn't all that necessary that all the laundry gets dried at once. I'm not running an orphanage, after all.  It is just a one person household.

I got the whole apartment straightened out and ready for the domestic help, so she would be able to clean it without there being any stuff lying around  that was useless and in the way.  Cleaning up Tyke's toys is the biggest challenge, because as soon as I do, he drags them all out again and distributes them across the living room floor. He's just like a little kid that way. And to think that I ordered more toys for him.

I made a fresh pot of coffee when my personal helper got here and took a shower and put on a new set of double layered clothes. She had warned me that it was cold outside, but I had already noticed that when I stood by the back door to let Tyke out.

I had to wait for my psychiatrist to call me before we were able to go for a walk and he called promptly at noon. He asked me how the decreasing of the tranquilizers was going and I told him that I had it down to one pill during the day, but that it had not been as easy as I had thought it was going to be. I had missed them. We made an appointment for next week at which time we're going to discuss decreasing my dose of anti-psychotics, which is going to be scary and I'm honestly going to tell him that. I'm a hero on socks, as we say here. The implication should be clear.

We took Tyke for a walk in the cold wind, therefor our walk was not very long, but long enough for Tyke to take care of all of his needs. It's not only time for thick winter coats, but for gloves and hats as well. I worry about my hair and the scrunched up state it gets in from wearing a hat. Vanity does prevent me from doing it yet. I'll have to suffer from a cold head. It's tough trying to be a fashionable woman at my age. I don't look good in hat hair.

The domestic help has been here in the meantime and we had ourselves a good old chat while she did her work. We also drank coffee and smoked cigarettes even though she's not supposed to, but I'm not going to tell. She's got two little boys and she tells me stories about them that bring tears to my eyes from pure emotion, either from laughter or compassion or a mixture of both. I'm easily moved. Of course, I'm in a much better state of mind to be moved too, now that my emotions are not dulled by the tranquilizers.

I've got a lovely clean apartment and I'm going to keep it that way. I do feel incredibly spoiled. The quality of my life has improved so much since these people have come into it.  I never want to go back to how it used to be. I pray to Allah/God/Buddha/Wotan that I will always be this lucky. Everybody deserves a break and I was certainly ready for mine.

I've got to walk Tyke if he's ready to go. I think he's sound asleep, but we'll see. One movement from me can mean the end of that. He does have his alert ears on, even when he's taking a nap.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

At the start of the morning...

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and my umpteenth cigarette. It's not so very early in the morning, because I slept well and didn't go to bed too early last night. I watched an episode of Inspector Frost that I had not seen before and I was totally fascinated by it and had to watch it till the end. It was a very satisfying episode and I'm glad I stayed up for it. Good triumphed over evil in the end, but at what cost? There are always double layers in these British detective series. That's what makes them so good. It makes them better than any Dutch detective series. The British are the best. There are no obvious heroes. Only understated ones. 

This morning one of my personal helpers is coming. The one who usually comes on Mondays, except that she couldn't come this past Monday. So now I will have a personal helper two days in a row, because the one for tomorrow is also going to be here that day. My luck knows no boundaries. What will I do with all that attention? How will I keep them amused? I always feel that I need to pull a rabbit out of a hat. It's not so much what they can do for me, as what I can do for them. 

I suppose I better not worry about it too much ahead of time and let the morning unfold as it comes. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and will be as long as it takes me to write this and do some chores. If I have to greet her in it, then so be it. It's a fact of reality that I'm a slow poke in the morning and can't get started faster than my system allows. I do require a certain amount of starting up time. I can't force myself into overdrive until I'm ready for it, otherwise I'll turn into an unorganized grouch.

I'm drinking my third glass of cold milk due to being extremely thirsty. I have the refrigerator set on high so the milk is extra cold. I would like to drink some cold juice, but due to my recent experience with it, it seems smarter not to. I don't want to get heartburn. That does take the fun out of any kind of food or drink. It isn't until I drink my third glass of milk that I feel that my thirst is getting quenched and that I can slow down drinking.

I'm still waiting for my 'wake up' moment. I feel like I've not properly gotten to my senses yet. Maybe I need to drink another cup of coffee. There's one  left in the pot. I'm totally not in the mood for another cup, though, and I think I'll leave it. I did take my medicines about 45 minutes ago and I'm waiting for them to start working, with whatever result they bring me. That's always a surprise. Some days it is better than other days. I think today it is going to be disappointing. I should get off all of them. 

I've been sitting here in a stupor for the last 20 minutes, unable to write and thinking that I must go to a kick off clinic to get off all of my medication. I must discuss this  with my psychiatrist. I feel like I'm under the influence of drugs now and it's not a pleasant feeling. It's actually making me feel sick.

I think I will go sit down in my armchair for a while until I feel better and then maybe walk Tyke if I have time. 

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee or two or three...

I've been in a stupor all day, unable to function even at the lowest level. I was seriously concerned about myself as I laid down for the umpteenth time on the sofa for a nap. What was wrong with me? Was I getting sick? 

Finally I made myself a pot of coffee, not expecting much, but some improvement anyway. I had my first cup and man, did I get improvement! It was like I had taken the elixir of life. Suddenly I was able to function again and my whole mood perked up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: a metamorphosis took place. I was a pathetic bit of human being before I had the coffee and I'm not anymore now. All it took was one cup of coffee and I'm having my second one now. Hoping for more improvement, no doubt. 

All I have to do now is get out of my bathrobe and into some clothes and not forget that I have to drink coffee in the morning. That it's absolutely crucial that I do. I have to get into some clothes, though, and finally walk Tyke who has only been out back so far. He's been very patient with me and slept while I slept and has not gotten into any sort of trouble.

Both Gandhi and he were very hungry when I woke up the last time. I asked Tyke if he wanted to eat and Gandhi started to meow very pathetically. Tyke got worried and started to shove her out of the way. Gandhi jumped on the kitchen counter and waited for her share of the can of dog food. When she was done eating before Tyke, he defended his bowl very bravely from any advances she made toward it. She finally gave up and went outside, doubtlessly to give herself a good wash. 

It has stopped raining and the sun is barely visible through the clouds. It peeks through every once in a while. It is starting to be the end of the afternoon and the sun is moving towards the horizon, behind the row of houses opposite me. I've wasted a large part of the day sleeping and I now have to make up for it. I have to do a few chores before I call the day quits. I'm kind of late with it, but better late than never. 

I'm not going to worry about which clothes I'm going to put on at this point. I'll just wear whatever is warm. It's 43F outside, so no time to worry about fashion. I do have my cute earrings in, so my face will look nice, although my hair is kind of messed up, but I will comb it into a halfway decent style. If you lay on your hair a lot, it does get squashed down into a funny shape. 

Okay, I have to get going. The coffee was great and so was sitting here for a while. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did with majestic mountains and alpine meadows. Wouldn't we have fun? 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

One more time...

I've just taken Tyke for a walk in the real autumn like November wind that blew yellow leaves all around us and ahead of our feet. It was invigorating and not at all that cold. It made me feel alive and ready to take another walk once we were inside again. We will have to go again before it gets dark and I hope the wind will be blowing as nicely then. 

I do appreciate this weather and I want to take advantage of it before it gets too cold to really enjoy it. As long as the wind is not too cold, it is wonderful how it hits your face and makes your skin feel just a bit chilled and look all rosy. I love the way it comes from unexpected directions and whirls the leaves around in spinning circles and rushing waves of color. 

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I became very sleepy and had to lie down on the sofa where I took quite a nap. I will have to drink some coffee to completely come to my senses again. The coffeemaker is brewing it now. I have to be patient for just a few minutes, though I find that hard to do. 

There, now I have my coffee. I will be a living, breathing human being shortly. Right now I'm just faking it. 

I was waxing so poetically about the wind and the leaves, but I don't think I can do it anymore. All the poetry has left my body, only dull wit has been left behind to fill up the holes. That and a whole lot of sleepiness. I can't hone my writing skills on them. I will have to use different tactics now. 

My plan was to take Tyke for a walk before it got dark, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. The wind has stopped blowing as blustery and the sun is already getting low on the horizon. And I am still yawning. I need another cup of coffee, obviously...

...Well, instead of messing around with coffee, I took Tyke for a walk, because he would not wait any longer. It was still windy outside and not cold yet, so it was still enjoyable. It is a good thing that we went when we did. It is just starting to get dark and the streetlights are on already. 

I must remember that I like blustery wind that's not too cold. I didn't remember that about myself. It's like it is a new discovery that I made today. How interesting. See how you're never too old to learn things? Even about yourself? 

I am having that other cup of coffee now. It is still very welcome. I've turned the lights on in the living room and will close the blinds in a minute. I see people coming home from their work now, many of them on their bicycles. There are still kids playing outside before they have to go in for dinner. It's Wednesday, so it must be meatball day. That's traditional.

When I think of meatballs, I think of the nice little ones you get at Ikea. I haven't had those in a long time. I can't eat them anymore because of my gastric band and the last time I did, I ran into terrible trouble, because I ate more than I could handle. I'll never forget those meatballs. 

But I still like to go to Ikea. You just need to bring a big, full wallet with you when you go, because there's so much to see that you want and you can easily fill up one of those big shopping carts they have. I have no trouble spending money there. That's probably why I avoid the place right now. It's dangerous. 

It's time to watch the news. I have to go and be informed, although I think it will make no difference if I know how things are in the world. I can only do my share to make it a better one in my own limited way and hope everybody else does their share. I feel very frustrated at times. It doesn't seem that enough people care. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

It's cold outside...

Today I was forced to change from my tank top and my pretty red cardigan into a turtleneck sweater and a knitted black cardigan, and when I went out to walk Tyke in the afternoon, I wore my warmer brown leather jacket with my big blue scarf doubled up around my neck. I had been freezing my buns off when I met my friend Lucienne for coffee at a café where there was the only non heated terrace in town with the wind blowing right on it and we sat and shivered at the table because we both smoke and didn't want to go inside.

Neither one of us was dressed warm enough, because this kind of weather was not forecast. We wore fall clothes and what we really needed were winter clothes. We should have worn gloves, that's how cold it was. There had been no sunshine in the morning, so the world had not gotten a chance to heat up. On top of that, we were at a café across the station, which is a notorious place for being windy. It wasn't my choice for having a cup of coffee, but that's the way it worked out. We both had appointments with our therapists at the same time and met afterwards and Lucienne had made arrangements to be picked up at that café.

I had to ride my bike home in the cold and swore at myself for being so thinly dressed when I knew ahead of time from the Exfactor that it was cold outside. He had arrived in the morning on his motorcycle complaining that it was cold and he doesn't complain quickly. He had also needed to wear extra clothing. His long johns for one thing. I'm never going to wear thin clothes again from this point onward. It will be double layers from now on and always my thick blue scarf and I will put my gloves in my pocket and look for new ones to buy to match my scarf so that I will be color co-ordinated. You do have to give consideration to these things even if you are cold.

My appointment with my SPN went alright, except that we talked about me getting up in the middle of the night and my subconscious desire to want be up then and to not want to be asleep, although I expressed my wish to want to sleep all night long. Apparently I so enjoy my time during the night that I have programmed myself to be awake after I go to the toilet. The thing to try to do is to go back to sleep immediately and to not even get up for a cigarette and a glass of milk. I wish I had that desire in me, but I have such a big wish to be awake. I don't know what role my dreams play in it.

Tonight I have to try to sleep through the night because I have an appointment at 10 o'clock in the morning with my psychiatrist. I will not have the opportunity to get up and go back to bed and sleep late. So tonight is a test to see if I can do it and sleep decently until the alarm clock goes off and what dreams I will have. I had very sad and complicated dreams this morning and I have to think about them all day long and wonder what they mean. Maybe I make too much of them.

This morning I only had decaf left to drink and let me tell you, that does not work if you are used to regular coffee. I sat here in a stupor, yawning and trying to get my head to clear up while trying to make conversation with the Exfactor. I was nearly incapable of it. I hardly got a word out. Then he went grocery shopping and I walked Tyke and when he got back, the first thing I did was make a pot of coffee and have a cup immediately. It was as if a miracle took place and I became coherent again and my mood improved by a multitude. Actually, the Exfactor became more talkative too, so it had an effect on him also, so decaf was not working for both of us. Apparently he had not had enough coffee yet either.

The Exfactor accidentally bought Fair Trade coffee. He thought it was priced cheaply and didn't find out it was 2 Euros more expensive per pack until he got to the cash register. I had never bought it, but my sister buys it and I always think her coffee tastes bad, so it was with some amount of trepidation that I made the pot of coffee, thinking that it wasn't going to taste as good as the coffee I normally get. But I have to tell you that it was fine and tasted good, so it is all in how well you make it. Apparently my sister doesn't know how to make a good pot of coffee. I use one rounded tablespoon per cup and I think I possibly make strong coffee, but that's the way I like it. Everybody else seems to think so also. I would love to buy Fair Trade coffee all the time, but it would add 4 Euros a week to my grocery bill and I can't afford that. Poor people can't afford to buy ecologically and biologically sound products. We just have to do without. I just can't do without coffee.

I just took Tyke for his last walk of the day. The wind has stopped blowing as much and now it's just pleasantly cold. That thick scarf sure is a pleasure to wear, but I notice that I really need a warmer winter coat, so I will have to save up my money for it, or wear more layers of clothing. I had forgotten what it feels like to be cold and this is just the beginning. I don't mind as much if the wind doesn't blow, but that's the culprit. I still don't have the heater turned on, because  it's still warm inside. The sun shines through the living room windows in the afternoon and heats it up in here. I have closed the bedroom windows because it was getting too cold with them open at night. I was freezing my butt off when I got undressed in the evening when I went to bed. The back of the apartment is in the shade, so definitely cooler and the windows don't have double glazing.

I'm going to cut the top of my hair in a little while. The rest of it has been cut short, but I didn't have the top cut short enough. I can do it myself easily with sharp enough scissors and save 15 Euros, or look ridiculous, but I don't think so, because I used to cut my own hair all the time. I looked at my friend Lucienne's hair today and realized that mine was too long. Hers was shorter and perkier and made her look younger and was better styled. My hair is unruly and hard to tame and only in good shape when it's just been cut. So, before I put my pajamas on I will do that.

Have a good evening, everyone and tell me about your weather.

Ciao,
Nora

On succesfully being awake and living to tell about it.

Although I had a big mouth this morning about getting dressed and going out early to walk Tyke, I did no such thing, but went to bed instead and slept for 4 hours. The prospect of going out in the cold morning air wasn't all that appealing when I considered my warm and cozy bed and the sleepiness that suddenly started enfolding me. I decided to do the easiest thing first and get a few hours of sleep before I became an active and responsible dog owner. I set the alarm clock so I would not stay in bed too long and fell asleep almost instantly with Tyke by my side. I guess he was okay with the whole plan and he snuggled up quite cozily. 

When I got up, I made myself the obligatory coffee and smoked some cigarettes. Waking up wasn't too hard and I hardly had any cobwebs. I had two cups of coffee and I didn't feel discombobulated at all. Then Tyke and I got ready to walk to the tobacco shop with baggies in my pocket and my wallet in my purse. Tyke likes the walk there, because it allows him to explore some different territory and to pee against different trees and bushes and to hopefully find edible items when we pass the little shops. He is an equal opportunity eater because he eats from the fish monger and the Arab grocer. 

When we got to the tobacco shop, it was closed due to illness, so we had to turn around and go home again, because I could not take Tyke to the supermarket. I took a different route home, thinking that would be exciting for Tyke and I was not mistaken. There were many good trees that needed to be thoroughly sniffed and examined and very regularly there was something minuscule on the sidewalk that needed to be closely looked at and tasted. Tyke lies down and makes himself into a dead weight that refuses to budge and can't be moved without you looking like an animal abuser. So you stand and wait until he's done. I have to have patience. Luckily, I had little kids once and I've been well trained. 

I did chores when I got home, because my domestic help was coming and I do want to look like someone who cares and empties her ashtrays and folds her laundry. It was my very own Monday domestic help that was coming, so I was very happy about that. I picked up the place as much as I could without actually cleaning it and sorted out all the things that needed to be sorted. I even tackled the mail and it was all good mail. I was supposed to have done this yesterday, but I chickened out at the last moment. My excuse was that it was Sunday then and not a day to worry about bills.

I rode my bike to the supermarket in the afternoon, in the bright sunshine, in the somewhat chilly temperatures, and made copies of my passport and birth certificate for my daughter who is applying for a Dutch passport. We are in the preliminaries and many certified copies of documents will have to be sent. I also bought tobacco and filter tubes and managed to retrieve my bike out of the overfull bike rack without damaging it and without pulling a lot of other bikes out with it. It's the handlebars that get caught. It's like when you have a box full of clothes hangers and you want to pull one out and they all get caught in each other and you pull them all out.

I just took Tyke out for another walk and we went to the field. There was a little Yorkshire Terrier puppy running around and it was love at first sight. I've never seen such a thing. That puppy looked like he was attached to a rubber band and hopped up and down around Tyke quicker than a ping pong ball. Tyke was mesmerized. I think he would like a little puppy of his own. Oh, I mustn't even think about it.

I'm getting awfully tired and must think about going to bed. I haven't had that much sleep. It will be nice to lie in bed and read for a while and hopefully remember to hide my book from Tyke. 

Have a good night everyone. 

Ciao,
Nora

For the better part of it...

I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep and was wide awake. I got up immediately and didn't even try to stay in bed and go back to sleep. All I could think was, "Get up, get up, and make the most of it." I didn't want to stay in bed and struggle with sleep and nightmares and tossing and turning, when I could be up and have a good time behind the computer in the quiet time of the middle of the night. I realize that now I have to catch up on my sleep during the day or otherwise pay a terrible price in the form of a depression, but I've got the whole morning to sleep and I assume I will get tired toward the dawn. 

I now realize why I don't like sleeping during the night. It's those nightmares and the tossing and turning and the feeling that the night seems to last forever and be a matter of hard labor that turns me off. That headache I woke up with in the morning, and that I thought had disappeared with the first cup of coffee, returned in full force and lasted all day until I took a paracetamol with codeine. I'm sure it is a stress headache and not a migraine, and several times my neck cracked when I turned it, but I don't think you're supposed to get stress from sleeping. The nightmares bothered me very much and I didn't want a repeat of that.

I did last well all day, though, and didn't feel the need for a nap and my mood was good all day long. I even changed my clothes and got properly dressed and put earrings in. It does feel good to look nice and feel as if you've pulled yourself together, even if it is only for your own benefit and to walk the dog in. At least I enjoyed walking the dog several times, regardless of the never ending sameness of the scenery and it wasn't a chore like it sometimes is. Walking a dog in the suburbs can be very non-challenging and boring. I'm sure it isn't that much fun for the dog either, although he seems to make a big deal out of it and is always tracking something. Maybe he gets a bigger kick out of it than I do and I'm projecting my feelings onto him. 

I have to set the alarm clock for 10 am, because the tobacco shop is only open in the morning on Mondays. I must get my own brand of tobacco, because anything else doesn't taste as good and is thrown away money. The stuff they sell at the supermarket isn't half as nice and comes in inferior containers that have a lot of crumb in them. I guess you could say that when it comes to tobacco, I am a connoisseur and that's why I have it specially ordered. 

I have just taken my morning medication and am waiting for that to work. I should be more relaxed in just a while. Subconsciously a lot of tension creeps in as the day grows nearer. I start to worry about how the day will go and about the things I'm supposed to do and I always feel like I'm not up to doing them. They overwhelm me, simple as they are. I'm starting to get a headache and I guess that's the new way the stress is going to manifest itself.

I'm waiting to get tired now. I expect I'll get sleepy soon, but I don't feel it yet. I think I will wait until it's time to take Tyke for a walk and then maybe go to bed. It's cold outside and the cool air should do wonders for my headache. It will shock it right back to where it came from. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Rapid Cycling...

I got up during the night, although I had vowed not to do that. I wrote a post about that experience, justifying it and making it look like it was not such a bad thing to do at all, and that I could really handle it and that it was unlikely to cause me any problems. That post was, in fact, a load of bullshit and I realized that in the morning and deleted it. I know there were people who read it and I'm sorry that they did, because they must have had their doubts about me and my sensibility. 

I did go back to bed after I wrote that post and slept another few hours, but after I had been up for a little while, I rapidly started to cycle downwards into a depression. At first I didn't realize the cause and the effect and I thought I was doomed to have another bad day. I didn't know what to do and thought maybe the medication I was taking was all wrong for me and that all sorts of things about it would have to be changed. 

I walked Tyke and then tried to concentrate on watching some cultural programs on TV, but it didn't alter my mood and I thought, "My God, what's the sense in living?" I took my second batch of medicines and laid down on the sofa, not knowing what else to do. I fell asleep there and slept for 4 hours and when I woke up, my depression was gone and I felt fine. Which goes to show you, like I already knew from past experiences, but had forgotten, that when I'm rapidly cycling downwards, I need to go to sleep and seriously sleep for a couple of hours, deeply and undisturbed. 

I used to have a sign that said, "You are rapid cycling! Go to sleep!" I don't know what happened to it and I will ask the Exfactor to make me a new one. All I know is, that when I'm rapid cycling, I need a lot of sleep, more than usual, 8 hours isn't going to do it, and a disturbed night's sleep is really bad. I need to sleep at least 10 hours if not more. The depression is cured by sleeping. 

So the next time I'm up in the middle of the night and I decide to write a post, and it is a bullshit story justifying my reason to be up, just ignore it. Or better yet, call me on it.

Ciao,
Nora

Whatever it brings...

It's early in the morning and I'm sort of ready for whatever the day will bring me. I'm almost in that kind of mood. I only have the tiniest bit of apprehension and am trying to get over that by drinking my second cup of coffee. I figure it will give me the courage to face the day that's ahead. Not that I'm planning any sort of a special day, oh no. It's just going to be a very ordinary day in which a temporary domestic help will show up and do a slap dash job of cleaning my apartment under my misguided direction and together we will make a mess of it. That's just the kind of a day it's going to be.

Actually, it sounds like a good day to pull myself together and find out what the hell I've been doing these past weeks while I have been bouncing off the walls. It's time to regroup and get a hold of myself. This shouldn't fill me with apprehension, because, after all, I'm a grown up woman and I'm still in charge of myself, although it hasn't looked like that lately. I've let events take a hold of me and have a run with me while I helplessly stood by and watched on in dismay. It's time to take the reigns into my own hands again and regain control over the situation.

If I were a tough broad, I'd say it's time to put on my shit kicking boots, but I'm going to be a little more delicate about it and work with finesse. I think the gentle and insightful approach is called for and that's the one I'm going to apply. I have to use the psychological approach. Catching flies with honey and soothing the mildly savage beast that lurks inside me. I will sing it lullabies and stroke its fevered brow.

It does mean that I mustn't let the little things upset me and not let the little nuances in my mood throw me off guard. I have to be steadfast and think of the bigger picture. It means getting me through the day with the least amount of emotional bruising and mishaps. That shouldn't be too difficult now, should it? All I have to do is take care of things in the proper order of importance and not let myself get bogged down in unnecessary details, and by all means do no screwing of the mind.

Actually, that's a tall order and I hope I'm up to the task, but I will tackle it one little bit at the time, starting with this early morning ritual of having my coffee and writing this well thought out post in which I have to appear totally sane and rational and on top of things. In outsmarting myself, I may even outsmart you.

Shortly what I will do is take the dog for a vigorous walk and breathe in the early morning air. That ought to clear the remaining cobwebs from my mind, because believe me, there are still a few there. I'm not all bright and perky yet. I may pretend that I am, but part of me is longing to return to bed and crawl under the duvet. I know there are people all over the world having the same wish, so I only can join their ranks and commiserate. Life is tough that way. I need to get used to it.

I mustn't think I'm in a privileged position because of the rarefied atmosphere my mind confines itself in. It's a mind like any other and I need to cope with it the way anybody else does with theirs, although I'd like to think there are simpler minds for less complicated people and I'd like to be one of them.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Keeping up appearances...

I just woke up from a nap on the sofa and it is dark in the living room. I need to turn on some lights, but haven't done so yet, except for my desk lamp. Gandhi and Tyke are sleeping on the sofa. 

I feel very sad and lonely, as if I've been forsaken by everyone I care about. I know I will feel better soon because I have just taken my medicines and the tranquilizers will put me in a better mood. I know that if I were to make coffee now, I would start to feel better also, but I don't want to drink coffee at this time of the day, so I'm drinking lemonade instead, which is not a mood altering beverage. 

I'm yawning a lot, but I need to stay up now because I have to walk Tyke later and I don't want to go to bed too early. I do need to get on some sort of a normal schedule. I think I've been messing around enough now. This past week seems like a bad dream that I've had and I don't know why I've done half the things I've done. I need to do some damage control and the best way I can do that is by taking better care of myself. 

I'm starting to feel better now and I don't feel so sad and lonely anymore. It's been 45 minutes since I've taken my medicines. Yes, I'm writing this awfully slowly. I'm doing a lot of thinking while I write this and I'm contemplating my navel a lot. I've got a lot on my conscience and I feel like I've been the cause of an accident. I'm leaving behind flotsam in my wake and I've got to clear up the wreckage. 

At least I seem to be coming to my senses. I'm having a temporary attack of awareness anyway. I hope it will turn into a longer period of awareness. You never know with these things. It may be a moment of wisdom and it may be as fleeting as a puff of air. I can be very insightful and forget about it in another mood. That's why it's good to reread my own posts now and then. 

Have a good evening. 

Ciao,
Nora

It´s me again...

Although I´ve just written a post, I don´t feel any urge to go to bed yet. As a matter of fact, I feel quite mellow and am enjoying the late hour of the night when I have no more obligations. I´ve just walked Tyke and am sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I think that all is well with the world. I feel like I´ve taken a wellness drug that´s made me feel very good and that has emptied my head of bad thoughts and bad vibrations. Not that I had that many there to begin with, but now I don´t have any. I´m completely at ease.

I´m drinking a glass of cold milk and am enjoying a cigarette, The cold milk is very good, as I´ve been very thirsty lately and can´t seem to get enough to drink. I´m all done drinking coffee, of course, and have to drink milk and lemonade now, which are no great hardships, they just don´t alter my mood the way coffee does. The milk makes me feel cold all over and I feel like turning on the heater, though it isn´t really that cold inside here. I really should have a cup of hot chocolate, but I´m afraid I´m all out of that and haven´t thought to replace it. That should go on the next shopping list. It isn´t that much of a luxury. Despite my skimping on the grocery list, I do want to have something nice in the cupboards that will give me some joy. There´s always a fine line between being frugal and being kind to yourself and I walk that line all the time. 

It´s a very peaceful and quiet time of the night. I know I can sleep late in the morning and if I use a bit of willpower, I will most likely sleep through the night. It is my intention anyway. I will just be very hungover when I get up in the morning and need several cups of coffee to get to my senses. That´s the drawback of sleeping late. I´ll sit in my armchair and try to put my head in order and organize my thoughts for the day, but the coffee will work quickly and I will be alright after about half an hour. It´s like the rebirth of a human being. My dog doesn´t seem to have that problem. Of course, he´s not burdened by many thoughts and responsibilities. He doesn´t have the human capacity to worry. 

I don´t have the capacity to worry late at night, that´s why I enjoy this time so much. I´m in a zone of no concerns. Nothing can touch me now and I am perfectly safe. I feel that I am out of harm´s way and that whatever awaits me during the day is many hours away and not even within easy reach. There´s a real buffer between now and then. A whole night´s sleep and many dark hours in which nothing will happen, even if I were to wake up in the middle of the night. I can postpone the start of the day as long as possible, because as long as I sleep, there´s no tomorrow. It doesn´t start until I wake up in the morning.

Nothing really horrible awaits me tomorrow. I give the impression that something really bad is going to happen. It will just be an ordinary Friday with the domestic help coming and me having to go to the tobacconist. I have to make some copies of some important papers and I have to do that at the grocery store, but that´s the most complicated thing I have to do, and really, how hard is that in a lifetime? I´ve done more difficult things than that. I mustn´t act like anything out of the ordinary is a complication. I´m not handicapped or otherwise challenged, after all. I´m a capable human being and I have to stop thinking of myself as someone who is less able and more vulnerable. 

I suppose somewhere along the line you have to embrace your individualism and except the fact that you don´t have to always be a conformist. As a matter of fact, that it is a thing that is not at all desirable. When it has been your training and ambition to always belong to a group and to fit in, it is difficult to give up that ambition and to strike out on your own with your own well thought out ideas and conclusions about life and the main social and political issues. Some people come to this point quicker than others and I admire them for it. Some people do life ass backwards and conform before they rebel. Early in life they have a desire to belong to the highest possible status quo they can attain and only later on do they realize the emptiness of it and the false promises. They live lives of quiet desperation and escape when the dream falls apart. It was only a big soap bubble that had alluring colors, but burst when the conditions weren´t optimal. Being non conformist gives a much healthier state of mind and allows you much more freedom and exposure to real life. You´re not in a straight jacket any longer. 

Well, I do get philosophical late at night, don´t I? It´s a case of random thoughts connecting in my mind. It all makes sense to me. I´m very brave late at night and can say heroic things. It´s during the daytime that I have to put them to the test. That´s when my bravery will be put under scrutiny. My deeds are small then and my victories little, but they amount to a lot for me. I will get braver as I grow bolder. It will grow with my sense of security and my believe in myself. I have to be damned stubborn and pretend that I´ve got that. If I were a man I would say that I have to act like I´ve got balls.

It´s time to go to bed. I do have to get some sleep. Cozy as it is to sit here and exchange thoughts with you, though I´m not knowing yours really. No doubt I´ll read them later. It´s been a rambling post and one I needed to write. Sometimes I need to get all these loose thoughts out of my head. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Amazing grace...

Much to my amazement, I managed to sleep for eight hours when I went to bed after writing my post last night. It was an incredible thing and when I did wake up, I did so because I had to and not because I was really done sleeping. I could have stayed in bed longer and slept some more. My personal helper could not make it on Friday and her regular replacement was going to be here this morning instead. I got up just in time to have two cups of coffee and several cigarettes and welcomed her in my bathrobe. See, I seem to be making a habit out of that. I know no shame.

That was alright, though, because one of the deals is that she sees to it that I take care of myself well personally and taking a shower regularly is one of those things. I´m more motivated when I know somebody is keeping track if I do that with any regularity, though I´m a very clean and good smelling person and am never actually dirty. I don´t perspire a lot and use a good deodorant. I´ve told you about the ordeal it is to take a shower in my apartment with the gaping shower curtain and the wet bathroom floor and all the wet towels.

So we had a cup of coffee together and I took a shower and washed my hair, which was sticking up despite the good haircut, and I had such nice and squeaky clean hair afterwards, it was a joy. It fell into place all by itself and hardly needed any combing and was dry in no time. I put on some very nice and comfortable clothes and applied no make up, because I´ve decided that it makes no difference whatsoever and that it´s all nonsense and that I don´t have the patience for it. I did put in my earrings and thought I looked good enough. I was a reborn woman and had on a new deodorant that smelled fantastic.

We took Tyke for a walk and he was his normal enthusiastic self, running from one end of the sidewalk to the other and having to lift his leg on every bush and hedge. He´s not very well disciplined on the leash and I give him all the space he needs. I figure it´s his outing and he has to enjoy it. He´s like a little kid completely lost in his own thoughts and activities. If I lived out in the countryside, I would let him off the leash. I would have him neutered first, though. He´s a little bit macho.

After my personal helper left, the Exfactor arrived and had a few cups of coffee with me and made a big deal out of a tiny little cold that he might be getting. Lots of people are walking around with colds right now and I´ve had several in my apartment and haven´t gotten sick yet. The Exfactor likes to be made a big deal of when he is a little bit stuffed up and goes into great detail about his symptoms and his inability to do things. Maybe he´s just a typical man. They do like to be fussed over. I had a huge amount of snot in my nose this morning, but just got a tissue and got rid of it.

After he left, I was enormously tired and laid down on the sofa and took a huge nap. It could have been emotional tiredness in reaction to the Exfactor. Maybe he has that effect on me. When I woke up, I had a cup of coffee and felt halfway normal soon enough again. I took Tyke for a walk and he got on the scent of something and dragged me through the neighborhood at high speed. We were done quickly with our walk. He´s a strong dog for an American cocker spaniel. He looks little but he´s got a lot of muscle power.

Overall it´s been a good day. I do have my low moments, but I make myself a cup of coffee and get over them. My moods are always precarious things and can be very momentary and change quickly, so I know very often I just have to out wait them and not panic and despair. The only things I don´t seem to be able to do right now is read and I miss that. I can´t concentrate on a book and I´m right in the middle of one. I´m too distracted to pay attention. My mind wanders.

I have to take Tyke for his last walk. He´s waiting impatiently. I wonder if it will be another high speed chase. I hope we can do it leisurely this time.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora