Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.

Ciao,

Irene

Post weekend...

I'm sitting here ever so cozily in the middle of the night in my red bathrobe with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. For a while I can pretend there's not a problem in the world. Things did get awfully close this weekend with a collapsed government and a train wreck, but for now I will forget about them and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. 

I just made the dog happy with a rawhide bone. I didn't realize that he had none left to chew on. He was taking apart his little stuffed cow and had just pulled the stuffing out, so it was high time that I gave him that bone to chew on. He's a true dog and likes chewing on things more than anything. The rawhide bones do keep his teeth clean and he has very good breath. He doesn't go for a check up until August and then the vet will look to see what shape his teeth are in and if they need to be cleaned. 

The cat is sitting very indifferently on the fleece blanket that's lying folded up on the armrest of the sofa. She's got her back turned towards us to show she really doesn't care. She can be so aloof at times. It's because the dog was completely ignoring her just now when he was busy with his bone and she was trying to get his attention. I'm sure her feelings were tremendously hurt. She's sulking now and maybe not as indifferent as she pretends to be. 

I had one cup of coffee and that's all I needed to become alert. At times cups of coffee are very important to me and at other times I don't care so much and glasses of milk are more important. They seem to hit the spot better and do the work of waking me up and keeping me mellow at the same time. I never know ahead of time if they are going to agree with my stomach but tonight they are. 

I wish for it to be the weekend another day or so because I liked the days of leisure that I had. Except for the events on the news, not much exciting happened and that was fine with me. I was affected by these events and they did touch me in more ways than one. I was angry about the one and sad about the other. You can't help but have these things bother you and you do spend time thinking about them and pondering the effects of them on a group of people in specific and the country as a whole.

I must go back to bed now and finish sleeping. I'll have to eat something first because I'm hungry. I think I'll have some Greek yoghurt. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hanging in there a while longer...

It's in the middle of the night and, although I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I have the feeling that I'm not really supposed to be up. As a rule, I enjoy being up at this hour and do my clearest thinking, but tonight must be the exception. I'm slightly muddled and will have to do my best to get through writing this post. 

Maybe as I write this, and have another cup of coffee, the cobwebs will clear from my mind. That has been known to happen. The mental exercise and the caffeine seem to do wonders for my thinking capacities and very often I become quite coherent. That is my preferable state of mind. It's nice to be drowsy and almost nod off, but it's ever so much better to be sharp witted and on your toes. 

Either way, I will fall asleep again when I go back to bed. Nothing will prevent that from happening. Especially now that I've got the new, comfortable duvet on the bed and the bedroom window open to let the cold night air in. As long as the dog is not shivering from the cold, I'll be able to do that.

Outside it's below freezing and there will be frost on everything in the morning. That has its own charms as long as I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog out. It does get warmer a bit during the day and it will be sunny, although the sunshine will not be very strong. It will not give you a tan, but at least it will be cheerful with a bright blue sky. Somebody in their heavens does smile kindly upon us still. 

My mood has improved a bit and I do not see the world as darkly shaded as I did yesterday. That may be because it's now the middle of the night and I'm usually in a better mood at this time. Things never seem as dire at this time because I'm safely wrapped in darkness and my warm and comfortable bathrobe. It's easy to feel safe under these circumstances and have a good attitude. It's when daylight comes that I have to be equally well tuned. 

That should be possible if I get enough sleep and am not awakened prematurely. It's a joy to wake up on my own when I'm good and ready to and take my time to come to my senses with a cup of coffee. That first hour of the day can be very nice when I sit in my armchair and get ready to start the day. The dog is patient and merely wants to sit on my lap. He's in no hurry yet to go out. He knows I need a little bit of time. 

I'm going to act like it's going to be a joy to wake up in the morning. As if I have a fantastic day ahead of me. And then I will make the best of it. I will act like I have enormous horizons and huge possibilities. Like I can make all my wishes come true. You never know how far fetched that is.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Should haves...

I was supposed to have gone to bed a while ago, but then got caught up in changing the templates to my blogs. This got me so excited, that I'm wide awake again and now I have to settle down all over again. I'm having another glass of cold milk in the hope that it will work soothingly and make me sleepy like it usually does. 

Changing the templates was really a spur of the moment thing. I think I really didn't want to go back to bed and was looking for an excuse to stay up. I sometimes like a little bit of excitement in the middle of the night. I don't get very much of it anymore now that I've quit my tranquilizers, so I have to create some when I can. I do need my little highs every now and then. 

I'm starting to yawn, so there's hope yet. I will be able to sleep for a couple of hours before I have to get up. The fun and excitement will start at 9 am. 

Bed is never so enticing as when you've been up half the night and oh so difficult to get out of in the morning. I will have to set the alarm clock. It's got an irritating enough sound so I won't sleep through it, though I seem to remember that one time I was so stupefied that I did. It must have been because of the drugs. I'll blame everything on them. 

The cat and the dog have been very well behaved since I've been up, while they were so very irritating before that. I guess they don't like for me to sleep and prefer it if I keep watch over them. The dog's been spread out on the sofa and the cat's been sound asleep on the bed. Before that time they were bickering and keeping me awake. They are just like two ornery little kids. 

Since today is Monday, it's going to be one of those long days in which my time is not my own. I will be surrounded by other people. I only enjoy that up to a point. There's a limit to how much I can stand that. I do look forward already to the end of the afternoon when I will be on my own again. 

First I have to go back to bed. I'm not quite ready to, but I'm going to have to make the effort. I'll just force myself to go to bed and fall asleep. It will be a matter of willpower. It may possibly just be nice to get under the duvet and get warm and cozy.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal once again....

I think I'm in a good enough frame of mind now to take a good look back at the past several days and see that I was probably in a hypo-manic state which I didn't come out of until yesterday afternoon after I finally slept for about five hours. I had been sleep deprived until that time and not in a position to think clearly. 

I looked back on it with some horror, but realized that I had not done anything too stupid and that all of my actions were easily able to be set straight. I had not made any really big guffaws that involved other people and would require a lot of explanation. Nor had I spent a lot of money. I was saved by the bell again. 

I remember feeling very good at the beginning of this period of madness, but becoming quite agitated as it continued and feeling very uncomfortable with it. Exhaustion was starting to show through and I could hardly keep up with myself, but felt compelled to nevertheless until I literally collapsed in my bed.

I built in a day of rest yesterday and took it very easy. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, so I added a lot of rest periods and periods of silence and patience. I avoided anything that was too stimulating and avoided the computer most of all because that's where I had spent all my time. 

I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel now and to not let things get out of hand again. I know what the pitfalls are and am going to avoid them.

My psychiatrist had warned me that I would have mood swings, but I had not expected them to be so severe. I really had not been properly prepared for this and was taken by surprise. I thought I was merely starting to feel better. Not that I was going to shoot into the sky like a rocket. 

Now I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee trying to be as mellow and calm as I can be. I'm accepting this period in the night for what it is and that is a time out before I go to bed again to finish sleeping, which I will hopefully have the sense to do. I don't want to become so cocky that I will stay up again until morning and decide that I don't need to sleep. I'm not home free yet.

Ultra rapid cycling is an unpredictable monster that you don't want hiding in your closet. I hope I'm done with it quickly and I assume I'm bothered by it now because of the increase in my antidepressants. It must be my body's way of adjusting to the new dose. Hopefully I've seen the worst of it now and a warned woman counts for two. 

The night is very quiet and serene. Thunderstorms and rain with winds were predicted, but none has come of it. It's just as well. I doubt that anyone was ready for another deluge. The last time, roads and cellars were flooded and trees were blown over. So I don't mind a clear, quiet night at all. I'm sure lots of sighs of relief are being breathed. 

It's very pleasant to be up. I'm enjoying my time of feeling well very much. It's no wonder that I always want this to last as long as possible. These are the most pleasurable hours of the day and night.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Thunder and lightning...

I woke up because the dog was trying to get my attention by gently growling into my right ear. I pulled him up on the bed and had a wrestling match with him which I won. Then we got up and went to the kitchen where he ate his kibbles and I made coffee. Now he's asleep on the sofa and I'm very cozily sitting here behind the computer in the middle of the night as is usual. All is well with the world. 

Last night, clouds moved in and the wind started to blow very hard. It started to thunder and rain something awful. It was an enormous storm and a lot of water fell out of the sky. The thunder moved right overhead and the lightning strikes came one right after another. 

In Belgium, right across the border, there was a music festival and trees and big tents got blown over and apart and several people got killed and seventy got wounded. It was quite a drama. The festival was in a chaos and had to be canceled. There were thousands of young people there who somehow all had to leave the festival grounds safely. Many of them had to be picked up by their parents. 

So for a while all was not right with the world. At least not in our little corner of it. The night is very silent now and there is no more storm or rain. I'm glad of it because it was very disquieting. I felt like I had to go and build an ark to put the animals in. 

The dog wanted to go outside as quickly as possible and trudge through the puddles after the storm was over. He did get very wet and the fur on his head got very curly so he looked like a poodle. The cat very wisely stayed inside and sat in front of the living room window and contemplated the wet world from there. She watched the whole storm from that spot and was very intrigued by it.

I thought I was going to be more tired than I am because I didn't take an afternoon nap yesterday. I'm surprisingly awake. I've only slept for a few hours, but I feel like I'm ready to stay up. No doubt I'll come to my senses once I start drinking cold milk instead of this coffee and feel the need to go back to bed. I must do the things that ordinary people do and stick to the schedule. 

I slept between clean sheets, but it was so warm and muggy in the bedroom that it was almost too warm to sleep under the duvet. I had it only covering my legs and that sufficed. It still hasn't cooled off a lot in the apartment, although today is going to be a not so warm day, but I prefer that. I'd rather wear more clothes than less clothes. 

Thank god it's Friday again. It's time to get ready to enjoy the weekend. This is the first weekend in a long time that I'll actually just plain feel good. It won't be an escape from the real world. It will just be two enjoyable days with time off for good behavior, but I won't dread the coming of Monday when it's over.

I suppose I must start thinking now about going back to bed. I'm not tired, but I should try to get some more sleep. It will be the sensible thing to do. Even if I only rest with my eyes open it will be good. At least I will have had a time out. I've got to take advantage of those clean sheets. 

I hope you'll all have a good Friday with the kind of weather you hope for. 

Ciao,

Nora

Green tea with lemon...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm drinking green tea with lemon. The reason that I am is because I'm almost out of coffee and I want to save the little bit that I do have for in the morning when I'm really going to need it. For when my brain will be screaming for the caffeine.

The tea is actually working out quite nicely and making me feel very good. I have no complaints about it at all. Of course, I take it with sugar to make it more potable and I realize that's cheating a little bit. True tea lovers would not take sugar in their tea. They would want to drink theirs unadulterated. They probably have purer souls that I do or more rarefied taste buds.

Whatever...the tea is making me feel good enough to be able to write a post, although it may turn into a silly post. If it does, I will drink tea in the middle of the night more often. Besides, I have no reason to write a serious post and I'm not in the mood for it either. I've done enough of that lately. It's time to lighten up.

Having written that, I'm momentarily stuck for words and I think I'm having writer's block. I must ignore that and pretend that I have something to say anyway.

I will tell you about the weather yesterday which, after a bad start, was good for the second half of the day. It was actually warm enough to go out in it without a jacket and the sun was shining. That is such a rarity these days that it is worth mentioning.

I had to go out in it to see my SPN with whom I had an appointment for 45 minutes. I took up only 25 minutes of her time, because that's all the time I needed to say what I wanted to say. Nothing was very complicated and I came to my conclusion quickly. I didn't feel the need to prolong the session. 

I was home in no time at all and had the good fortune to be able to take a nap with the animals on the bed. We sure all appreciated that. I personally like nothing better than taking naps. I think that's all I do anyway, take longer or shorter naps. That's how I sleep.

I think I will go back to bed now and see if I can sleep some more. I'm most definitely not wide awake from drinking coffee. It does make a difference if you don't. I didn't even have to drink a glass of ice cold milk to get to this state. I'm drowsy all by myself. 

I hope you're having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Wishful thinking...

It's in the middle of the night and I think things should always be as relaxed as they are now. I could almost forget that I'm suffering from a depression. My head is on pretty straight and I feel in a fairly good mood. This is as close to normal as I can get. 

Of course, I don't want to jinx myself by saying too much and I will leave it at that, save to say that I wish to wake up in the morning like this also. I guess that would be too much to ask for, but it's just a tiny little wish in the larger scope of things.

My psychiatrist did inform me yesterday that I can expect to see improvement one week after I've increased the antidepressants, so that will be early next week and that gives me something to look forward to. It's a straw I will be grasping at. 

I've not wanted to write anything here because whatever I wrote was all so depressing. I wanted to be more lighthearted than that, but I didn't know if I could be. I don't feel so morose now and I think I can write about something more normal, although I have to scratch my head and think of what that can be.

I haven't done much out of the ordinary these past days but sit around in my bathrobe and take many naps. The naps have been the most pleasant because I took them in a clean bed. I did make enough effort to change the sheets. I had to talk myself into doing that and convince myself that it wasn't really that much of a job. Depressed people easily get intimidated by the most simple things. 

At least I'm not hypo-manic tonight, which is a big relief. That frantically being happy is no good either and I don't know if it's even happiness but just a sort of madness that comes over you. 

I've entertained the dog to the best of my abilities, although I think he's a bit bored with me. The Exfactor has been by every day to take him for a walk. That's relieved me of a large sense of guilt. 

I've just started drinking ice cold milk and any minute now my thinking processes are going to freeze up. I will start to slow down and have a hard time coming up with things to write about, if I weren't already.

There's been no attempt to get dressed. I live in my pajamas and bathrobe. I suppose that one of these days I will put my clothes on again. I have to by Monday anyway when life will start to continue. 

First I have to get through the weekend which is a blessing because it is a minor time out, except that I don't know how well I will get through it in a depressed state. It may not be as easy as usual. The days alone may be tougher than they usually are. That's why taking naps is so important. They take up a lot of time. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm sufficiently tired again thanks to the milk. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Nora

Quality time...

I had to put on my bathrobe because I was sitting here in my pajamas in the middle of the night getting decidedly cold after having had a glass of ice cold milk. I already had my requisite cups of coffee and, of course, I couldn't go past my limit. 

I didn't need to anyway because I felt good enough and they weren't warming up my stomach all that much. At least I'm not sitting here mindlessly drinking one cup after another until I'm sick of them. I do have enough sense to make just enough coffee for two cups and that's it.

I'm ever so much more comfortable in my bathrobe now. It envelops me like a warm blanket and I'm so cozy in it. It really isn't that cold in here, even though the bedroom windows are still open. It never does cool off in the apartment that quickly. That's a blessing in the wintertime and it hasn't been hot enough this summer for it to be a problem. 

Yesterday went by so quickly. It hardly felt like a full day at all. Of course, I slept for half of it because I didn't get up until past noontime and when I woke up, I thought it was still early because everything was so quiet. I was surprised to see what time it was on the alarm clock.

I had to sit and drink my two cups of coffee in peace and quiet and then slowly get ready to go see my sister and her friend, but I dawdled too long and had to rush in the end. I picked out my outfit in a hurry, but it was a good one and I felt comfortable in it. Pretty enough, anyway. 

The weather wasn't bad. There were clouds, but there also was enough sunshine and the temperatures weren't bad. We were able to sit in the garden and have a long conversation with cappuccinos. 

My sister's friend, who's a chemist, had made me a night creme based on honey. I had casually mentioned to him that I needed one for fine, dry skin and he had made it especially for me. It's very nice and it smells delicious. See how easily such a special wish can come true? You just have to know the right people.

When I got home, I walked the dog and watched sports on TV. Football season has started, so there were a lot of rundowns on the games that had been played. Everybody wants to win whatever league championship is coming up first and they are already calculating their chances. A little prematurely, I think. 

The news that I watched was all dire. There is no good news nowadays. You have to have a brave heart to watch it or be steeped in ignorance. Economic crises are being politicized. The financial markets are full of emotions. There's an undercurrent of panic. People are losing their heads. 

I try to stay calm because I'm nobody and don't count. I'm at the bottom of the ladder. A tiny little fish in the very big sea. A sardine. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

No dull people here...

As usual, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, enjoying the peace and quiet of the middle of the night. I don't have to tell you anything new. It's the same old story, but I think that does not make me a dull person. I'd like to think that it makes me predictable, but still still exciting enough to get to know better. I may be an open book by now, but maybe we haven't read all the chapters yet. 

I made just enough coffee for two cups. That's my limit and how much coffee I make every time I do. In 24 hours, I have six cups of coffee and I think that's not much compared to how many I used to drink. I'm severely limiting myself. It's a little bit tough, but doable. 

As long as I get some caffeine when I wake up from whenever I've been asleep, I'm okay. If I don't have any, I'm likely to be a grouchy person and sit here like a bump on a log and achieve very little. 

I feel that way especially when I wake up from my afternoon nap. I would be very devastated if I could not have any caffeine then. I always feel like I'm in a state of depression and feel like crying when I first get up. 

Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I really do need the caffeine to function better. I think it's like a medicine that makes the chemicals in my brain work better. Two cups are just enough, although I'd like to cut it down to one, but I think that's stretching it and probably an over ambitious plan. 

I must have just turned thirteen when I started drinking coffee regularly. I remember that I had my own cup and saucer that nobody else used. Everybody did. We all had our own individual little teaspoon too to stir the sugar with. I took both sugar and cream in my coffee then. To make it potable, I'm sure. 

We drank coffee every evening at 8 o'clock and in the weekends also at 10:30 in the morning. We all had two cups, it was a ritual. It was a little impolite to turn down the second cup. In the Netherlands, it's impolite to turn down anything that's offered to you, even if it's by your own mother.

I got my own hand cut crystal wineglass when I was not quite sixteen. It was assumed that you learned how to handle alcohol and drink it socially along with the adults at the proper time of the evening. I never did become a drinker, except for the occasional lapse when I have three or four drinks and become drunk.

But the love for coffee never left me and I'm addicted to it to this day. That's why I think it has medicinal qualities. My son was the same way and was not approachable until he'd had his morning coffee. We had a lot in common. Talk about the apple not falling far from the tree. 

There may have been a dull person here after all. What do you think? It's not a very exciting post, is it? Apparently I'm not that inspired this night. I must not have had enough coffee. I'm probably too sane to be very interesting. 

Well, you can't win them all.

Have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Never mind the foolishness...

I've been up for a couple of hours and had two cups of coffee. I had gone to bed on time, but once I was lying there, I realized that I was not at all sleepy, although it took me an hour to figure that out. That's how long I stayed in bed anyway. 

I figured it was pretty futile to continue lying there and got up again and made some coffee and turned on the computer. There were emails to answer and comments to read. Those were good enough pastimes for me. 

After that, I finished reading all the blog posts of 'The Gaff Giraffe' which had taken me a couple of days to do. It was very educational and showed me again how neurotic I can get sometimes and how completely like an unguided missile, and how very boring I can get at other times. Like a true bipolar person, I guess. From one extreme to the other.

I'm starting to yawn now and am going to have to find my bed soon. In the meantime, I'm drinking cold milk which is bound to make me sleepy. As soon as I stop drinking coffee, I start going downhill. It almost makes me want to make more coffee again so I will have more energy. I'm not quite ready to go back to bed. 

Since it is officially Saturday now, I feel I have the privilege to stay up as long as I want because I can sleep late. I suppose I'm having another one of my celebratory moments in the middle of the night when I feel on top of the world and want to make it last as long as possible. 

Being slightly in a stupor only adds to the attraction. I feel a little stoned and it's rather pleasant. I'm dopey with the need for sleep, but I have the will and the desire to stay up, so I'm on the edge. Don't I like to live dangerously? It's my middle name. Yeah, right. 

I have the smell of Chinese food on my brain tonight and I have such a hunger for it that I'm ready to go to the Chinese restaurant and order them to open up and fix me a meal of Nasi Goreng, which is really an Indonesian dish but the cultures get mixed up. I would love to have a portion of satay with that. Of course, my eyes would be bigger than my stomach and I would never be able to finish it, but I'd enjoy trying it. 

I guess I'm bound to get these olfactory fantasies every night because they are secret desires for foods I long for but can not eat. Or only eat in very little portions. Sometimes I think I smell a Hema smoked sausage which are the best in the country. No such luck for me. It's terrible, the things I have to do without. 

But I do get to lose weight, albeit agonizingly slowly because of the medicines I'm on. It would go a lot faster if it weren't for them. They do hinder me in my weight loss. Especially when they are increased and I don't even know if that is helping me, as is the case now. 

I know one thing, I mustn't give up coffee completely because it keeps 'the black dog' at bay. Trying to only drink tea is not such a success. Drinking coffee puts me in a much better mood. I just have to not overdo it. There's to be moderation in it as in everything. I'm certainly not going to quit cold turkey like I had planned to. That was a very unrealistic idea. It was a shock to my system and not a very pleasant one at that. 

I got my second wind and am feeling good now. I'm over my sleepiness. Speaking of food must have done me some good. I almost feel like I had some. I get the same sort of satisfaction from reading food recipes down to the minutest details. I feel like I've partaken of the meal. I've had this habit since I was a kid. Reading my mother's cookbook and looking at the pictures of the dishes.

Have a good Saturday you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Forget what I said...

Forget what I said about 'the black dog' being gone and about me feeling better because it's not true. I don't feel better at all. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty darn awful and I don't know what to do about it. 

I was lying in bed just now, unable to sleep, and I thought I was going a little bit mad with worry about my state of mind. It seems to be so negative even though I try to keep seeing the glass half full. I'm trying to fool myself into being in better shape than I am, but I can't keep it up any longer.

Enough said about that. I don't want this to turn into a whining post. I do have to keep seeing the glass half full. It's for the sake of my own survival that I do. Otherwise I may as well take an overdoses of pills and be done with it.

Needless to say, I'm having a cup of coffee to try to get me out of this state of mind. Maybe it will work soon. It will be a relief if it does. It will be a respite until I go to sleep and wake up again in the morning. Then there will be another battle to face which I will fight with other cups of coffee. 

I will try to stay upbeat and write about something cheerful... It was raining softly earlier in the evening and it was very pleasant. The rain released a good smell in the air and refreshed everything after a warm day. It was nice to stand by the open back door and the dog came in damp from the wet bushes in the flowerbeds. He does insist on walking through them. 

I watched the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' and was satisfied with the ending as usual. I've seen it so many times now that I can dream it in my sleep. I think I've got to read the book again and I have to see if it's still on my bookcase. It will be a pleasant, predictable book to read. The language will be wonderful and all the characters in the book will look like the characters in the series. Especially Mr Darcy.

Because of 'the black dog,' I've not been reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys.' I'm having a hard time concentrating and keeping my mind on it. That's why I think I need a book that I'm familiar with. One that I can easily read through and that's predictable. How well I read a book is definitely a reflection of my state of mind. By all rights I should read in the middle of the night when I'm most alert, but I do try to go back to sleep after I've written a post. 

I'll try to read in bed tonight and guard my book from the pesky dog. If I don't fall asleep with it and put it away on time there should be no problem. The wellbeing of the book depends on it. It could be shredded to pieces. I don't know how bad the dog is now that he's older. I don't quite trust him yet. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Olfactory sensations.

I have the smell of spaghetti with bolognese sauce in my head, topped with a good helping of Italian cheese. I could swear there was a plate full of it in the kitchen and just to make sure, I even went to look, but I was disappointed. I checked the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator to see if I could make it myself, but of course, I didn't have the ingredients.

That's the olfactory sensation I woke up with in the middle of the night and wasn't it a frustrating one, because I can taste that spaghetti as if it's standing in front of me. I must have a terrible longing for a good helping of it. I'll have to get that out of my head as quickly as possible and maybe I can do it by having a cup of tomato soup. That may be the cure for it, though I would still like some cheese on top of that. 

Maybe just having a tall glass of ice cold milk will take care of it, as it takes care of all my cravings as a rule. It seems to be a cure all for everything. Even for the longing for Belgian chocolates. First I've got to have another cup of coffee. I have to be able to think straight and only the caffeine can achieve that, or so I think. 

It's actually not a cold night. It's 72F outside and inside it is very pleasant also. I'm sitting here in only my pajamas with bare feet. My feet are hot for some reason and I long to put them in a basin with cold water, but it would get messy here and I don't want to electrocute myself. I will put lotion on them in a little while and find refreshment that way. 

The dog always wants to lick the lotion when I apply it, so I have to rub it in quickly. I'm sure it's not good for him. He has strange tastes. The other day, he ate a raw zucchini with the greatest of appetites. It was like he had longed for it his whole life. Next, he's going to be eating Brussels sprouts. He also likes Mandarin oranges.

It's going to be a quiet day today and I'm going to enjoy it. Remember what I said about having that weekend feeling during the week? I'm going to apply it now. That means I'm not going to have that during the week stressful feeling. I will try to be as relaxed as I can get while still taking care of my chores and responsibilities. 

I also think that the increase in my anti-depressives is working now because I feel a lot better. That gloomy black dog is not following me around any more and I feel a lot more upbeat. Things weigh a lot less heavy anyway. I do them with much less anxiety and neuroses. Neuroses are a great thing to drop by the wayside. They are totally useless barbed things that leave you exhausted and hurt.

It's time to drink cold milk and that will leave me at a loss for words. It always seems to stop my flow of words, so I feel called upon to prove otherwise. I must write something down that makes sense. It also makes me instantly cold and I have to put on my bathrobe. Apparently, I will not have hot feet for much longer.

At least I've gotten over my longing for spaghetti with bolognese sauce. That's just a faint memory now. It's a good thing that you can't give into every craving that you have or you would get enormously fat. It's best to keep the cupboards and refrigerator as bare as possible. At least down to the most basic items so you don't fall into temptation.

I've got to go back to bed now. My brain isn't functioning anymore. Not well enough to finish writing this post anyway. I will hopefully sleep for a long time in the morning and then leisurely wake up with a cup of coffee and the news. 

Have a good day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight thoughts...

I was sound asleep lying on my back, but I got a major wet burp all the way up into my nose and it tasted very bad. It nearly choked me and woke me up very quickly. I don't know why I have these weird things happening to me, but I blame it on my gastric band and the glass of milk I had before I went to sleep. It tasted good going down, but I can't say the same thing about it coming up. 

Needless to say, I was wide awake after that and ready to get up. Any excuse will do, really. I don't need much convincing to get up out of bed in the middle of the night. It's my pleasure completely. Luckily, it's not cold in the apartment and I'm wearing warm enough pajamas and socks, so I'm very comfortable.

The reason I was wearing socks to bed was because I had rubbed that good smelling lotion on my feet again after not having done so for a while. I had not quite made it a habit yet and as a result had gotten rough feet again. The lotion softens your feet very quickly and does your hands at the same time. It has a delicious scent that lasts for a long time and I can still smell it on my hands now.

I put clean sheets on the bed and had looked forward to going to sleep very much. I think I must not have been tired enough to have woken up so easily, though I didn't take a nap in the afternoon because I spent it with my sister and her friend. I slept late in the morning and only reluctantly got up. I had to double check to make sure I was really done sleeping so I would not be in a bad mood. 

I immediately made coffee and turned on the TV for some cultural programming. Luckily, I was still on time for that, though I watched some very boring avant garde music being played. I know you're supposed to like that, but I didn't. The musicians put in a lot of effort for some very uninteresting music. The body language was there and so were the facial expressions, but the product was a flop. You can't win them all. 

I put on my harem pants, but realized later on in the day that they don't show at all how skinny I am now, so I'm not going to wear them any more. I'm only going to wear my skinny jeans from now on and I have three pairs of them. There's always at least one clean pair. The harem pants have gotten way to big on me, although they are very comfortable to wear. I do have other choices of things to wear. The harem pants are going on the stack of obsolete clothes. The steadily growing stack. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk now and any moment my frontal lobe is going to freeze up and I won't be able to think straight. At least I'm not quite getting an ice cream headache. It does make me quite giddy, all that cold milk. I can never get enough of it. The first glass is empty in no time at all, but you must think of all the nighttime snacks I don't eat because of it. I would have to eat chocolates or something to get the same amount of satisfaction. Belgian bonbons would taste real good now. Instead I'll have another glass of milk. 

I'm not at all going to worry about tomorrow when the personal helper and the domestic help are going to be here. Or when my SPN is going to call me at 9 o'clock in the morning and I have to be coherent. I'll have to set the alarm clock for that so I'll at least have had a cup of coffee. It may be difficult to get up, but I'll have to manage it somehow. I hope I won't be grumpy. 

I was quite organized and even remembered to put out the trash. I've also got all the laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. If I do another load tomorrow, I will be able to hang it outside. That is, if I'm that ambitious and go looking for laundry. 

I think I'll go back to bed now. I've rattled on long enough about nothing important at all. There are enough hours left to get some sleep. Bed is still an inviting place to go to. I just hope the milk doesn't back up into my nose again. 

Have a good morning when you get up. I hope you'll have good weather and I leave that open to your interpretation, 

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora