On a sleepless night...

That's not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I'm up. I'm full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 

Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that's the kind of mood I'm in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I'm drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I've found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I'm taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It's like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 

Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don't have such complicated dreams. There's a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it's been a brilliant move on my part, but I'll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he'll be a party pooper about it. 

I'm wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It's impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 

Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn't nearly done yet. I'm only at the beginning of it. There's much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.

I hope you're all having a peaceful night too.

Ciao,

Nora

While I'm at it...

Seeing as though I'm up still and completely calmed down by the extra anti-psychotic tablet I took, I'll take advantage of the quiet, peaceful feeling and write another post. My state of mind has improved tremendously since I've taken the tablet and I feel ever so much better and able to express myself in a much more normal way. I felt sort of flighty before and somewhat angst ridden, but that feeling is gone and now I feel tranquil. 

I think I do have to take advantage of every good moment and not spend it sleeping. There's time enough for that, as it is early in the night still and tomorrow is Sunday and nobody will be waiting for me to get up on time. Well, there usually isn't, is there? Not even on weekdays, come to think of it. I do have the luxury of sleeping late very often and I do take advantage of it, but I feel less guilty about it on the weekends. On the weekends, I'm my own mistress and I don't have to keep up appearances. 

I don't know who I'm keeping up appearances for, but I suppose it's for the neighbors, as I feel the social control is very high. I do always feel as though my every move is being watched and that much gossiping is going on. That's why I always dress with care when I go out, while sometimes I really don't want to give a hoot. I'm already the odd woman out, being a Hollander and not speaking the local language. Being a woman on my own is an extra disadvantage. 

Well, that's neither here nor there, you do get used to that and inside you don't notice it. I think that's why I like rainy days and everybody is inside minding their own business. There's a lot of freedom in being the only one out on the street. Of course, I do mind when It's raining cats and dogs. Even I can't handle that and don't venture outside, but an ordinary rainy day with showers is just fine, although I know there's still a lot of peeking through curtains going on. 

Hey, I don't want to discuss this subject at all, but it has to do with the loss of privacy and I guess that's high on my mind. It subconsciously puts pressure on you and causes a constant level of stress. It's what happens when you live in an overcrowded country. I would like to live someplace where there is lots of personal space and not so much social control. I wouldn't have such tight muscles in my neck and shoulders so often. 

I've been playing with my templates and I don't know if I'm done yet. I may experiment some more. I have nothing better to do at the moment. I'm not quite ready to go to bed. 

Sleep tight, all you people.

Ciao,

Nora