The best is yet to come...

I want to wite as normal a post as possible without trying to reflect a state of mind that doesn't exist. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure of my state of mind at the moment because I may be the slightest bit on the loopy side. That is not because of my sleep medication because I'm not under the influence of it anymore. I feel a little giddy all on my own and can't take things quite as serious as I should right now. 

Of course, it's not necessary that I do. I think I'm serious enough most of the time so that it's okay to lighten up a bit. I'd like to lighten up a lot as a matter of fact. That would really reflect my most inner state of mind. The place where my joyful child waits impatiently to be let out. I will set her free and give her the upper hand. 

I had many joyful moments throughout the day that were about nothing important at all. They were joyful because they were free of stress and worry and I could indulge myself simply in enjoying being alive in the moment. Nothingness is a great bliss. You shouldn't strive for the presence of some things, you should strive for the absence of other things. Subtraction is the greatest skill. 

Look at me suddenly taking on a serious tone while I had not planned on that. I think that must be because I've stopped drinking coffee and have switched to cold milk. It does have a tendecy to interfere with the workings of my frontal lobes. I should have poured myself a stiff drink in order to lower my boundaries and let my sense of humor speak better. I don't know how well frozen frontal lobes are going to help me in being giddy. 

I do hope I wake up in all peacefulness in the morning and set the standard for the day. It would be wonderful to have many more joyful moments in which to contemplate my navel and be free of stress and worry. 

I need to take my joyful self back to bed and finish sleeping. I am yawning now and it's because of the gosh darned milk. No, it's really because of the law of nature and people need to be asleep in the middle of the night. I'm no different than anybody else.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Irene

Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

On a cloudy night...

I am happy because in the morning the Exfactor will do the groceries and I will have good things to eat in the apartment again such as Greek yoghurt and vanilla pudding and bananas. I had scrambled eggs for dinner and they weren't very exciting, although they were filling and, I suppose, good for me. I can't wait to have the Greek yoghurt because that's by far my favorite food to eat now because of its concistency, although I still like the vanilla pudding very much because of its creamy goodness.

I feel like there's come some variety in my diet especially since I've also added the drink yoghurt and the buttermilk. The bananas are also a great treat and I may try to find another fruit that I like as much and that is as easy to eat and digest. They are on sale right now so I will keep buying them. The dog also likes them very much but I should really feed him apples and save the bananas for myself. He is very fond of apples and thinks they are a real treat.

I've got to think of fun things to eat to make my diet as interesting as possible because I was down to just a few boring foods and not eating any fruits. It made my meals rather unappetizing and eating was just something I had to do to fill my stomach. Now the excitement is returning back into it. I will go to the supermarket with the Exfactor and see what other things look good. Maybe there are more foods I can add to my diet to put some pizzazz into it.

All that talk about food made me feel hungry and I am having a glass of drink yoghurt now. I think I prefer it to buttermilk. It has the same sort of consistency and sour taste but with a flavor and it's non fat.

Look at me carrying on about food as if there is nothing else to worry about. It is true that it plays a very important role in my life. More often in the very small amounts of it and the restricted variety. Naturally I get a little excited when I find out I may be able to expand on it.

I'm still sleepy enough so I know I'll be able to go back to bed without a problem and go back to sleep. I've got lots of time to do that, though, and no rush to go. The night is young and it is in the wee hours still. My bed is not yet like a siren that calls me.I really have to get some better pillows first before it really will, I think. The kind that your head sinks into yet are supportive enough. The old ones have seen better days. 

I am yawning an awful lot, though, and maybe I will be back in bed sooner than I think. The dog is sound asleep beside me on the floor. He's been out back and is all settled down for the night. He will follow me to the bedroom and get on the bed with me when I get in. Hopefully he will sleep late in the morning and we can have a leisurely time waking up. I do need to drink my cup of coffee peacefully before the Exfactor gets here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Irene

All in the twist of a hand...

I'm having my third cup of coffee this morning because it's making me feel so good. The coffee doesn't really taste good because it's instant but I like the effect. It's making my mind sharp and helping me think straight and those are nice things to have happen to you. I've been afraid to switch to cold milk in case I get an upset stomach which is more likely to happen than when I drink coffee. Coffee is by far the safest beverage I can drink. 

I took the dog for a walk and it wasn't too cold out there. The sun was shining and the temperature was agreeable. I did have to wear my winter coat but not my gloves or scarf. My head was warm enough too, funky as it is with my latest hairdo. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a hat over it. That would have ruined the whole effect. 

I was supposed to have had an impromptu appointment this morning, but I decided to call over there on a hunch and find out if the person I wanted to see was actually there. It's a good thing I called because she was not, having fallen ill with a kidney stone. I made an official appointment for next week. Things sounded kind of hectic over there and I'm sure they wouldn't have needed me there today. Sometimes a hunch pays off. 

I'm telling myself that there's nothing wrong with today and that I can spend it as agreeably as I want and that is true. I have no real obligations and no appointments. The day is my oyster, although I hardly know what to do with it. I'm in a contemplative mood and can spend it in much silence and solitude doing nothing important. I have no high goals for the day anyway. Peace of mind is my main concern. 

I suppose that's some kind of higher ideal and I shouldn't take that too lightly. What's better than to seek peacefulness? I hope the dog and the cat are of the same opinion. It would be good if we were all on the same wave length.

I wish the weather would make up its mind because now it's overcast and gray and it looks like it's going to rain. It will be cozy enough if it does. I really don't mind. One of my favorite things to listen to is a YouTube recording of a rainshower in a forest. It lasts an hour and is extremely soothing. Whoever thought of recording these natural sounds is a genius. I also like the ones of birdsong in the early morning. 

I didn't have to take a painkiller this morning for my headache. I did take a tranquilizer. and it has probably relaxed me enough. At least the muscles in my neck aren't tight. I'm wearing my glasses constantly, although I thought for a little while that they were maybe bothering me. It turned out to bother me more to have to do without them. I just don't see well enough if I don't wear them. 

I hope you'll all have a good day whatever kind of weather you're having. 

Ciao,

Irene

No, I'm not a harried housewfie...

It is now day three since I quit smoking and my most successful day so far. I don't nearly feel the frustration today that I felt the first two days. I still want to light up a cigarette all the time, but I'm less disappointed when I realize that I can't. I'm finding my peace with it, I guess. 

I don't nearly have enough things to do during the day now that I don't spend it smoking and frantically try to think of activities. It's difficult to sit and do nothing. I have to keep myself busy and I have the energy for it also. The apartment has never been so organized.

I do take the dog for walks when I'm bored and make the walks a bit longer than they used to be. We both benefit from that. I try to think of interesting routes to follow that we have not gone on before and take all sorts of side streets. The dog thinks it's great and happily follows me.

I've spent time redecorating the livingroom and all I have left to do now is make a curtain shorter and I will do that tomorrow when I have nothing else on the program. The sewing machine isn't working so I will use iron on tape to make the hem with. After the sewing machine is repaired, I will fix the hem properly.

I've got a new chair to sit in with a new cushion and a new pillow in it. I feel like I'm sitting on a throne. The problem is that the cat has decided that this is her chair as well and lies down in it whenever I get up. When I want to sit down in it, I have to disturb her and I feel bad about doing that, even though she gets to lie down on my lap. The dog thinks it's strange when I sit down on the sofa instead and chases the cat out of the chair. I don't want his loyalty to me to go quite that far, but he feels called upon to do this.

I've got to take the dog for a walk. He's sitting beside me begging to go and I can't ignore him any longer. Off we go. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's about time...

I'm sitting here with a much needed cup of coffee pretending that the day is much more entertaining than it really is. I've done my chores and walked the dog and there's nothing left for me to do. I have to try and fill the remaining hours of the afternoon and they seem to stretch endlessly ahead me.

I try very much to live in the moment and to not project myself forward in time too much. I'm trying to stay in the here and now and not worry about what I'm going to do an hour from now. If I stay in the moment, chances are that each moment will bring its own solution and that I will enjoy it as it happens. 

If I learned anything from Mindfulness, it is that. It's not something that comes to me automatically. I do have to make the effort and repeatedly tell myself to not start thinking ahead of time. But if I do make the effort, the peacefulness is very rewarding. 

The problem is that I can't only stay in the moment and write a blog post. That would get awfully boring. I would not have anything to write about but telling you that I was contemplating my navel. My navel does not have that much depth. There are other things to discuss that are more interesting.

The means to hang on to your sanity differ with the circumstances of your life. If the circumstances were different, my coping mechanisms would be different too. Fate has me living this kind of life for now, but it could just as easily be completely the opposite. I would magically make other coping skills appear out of thin air if I had to. I have to prepare myself for my window of opportunity.

Sometimes you have to live your life as if there's a safety net in place and assume that you're going to land safely. That means that you have to be willing to take chances. I've been living my life too carefully and am going to put a stop to that now. I'm going to do more things that I'm uncomfortable with doing. I will tell myself there's a saftey net. 

And now I will go and move to the next moment. 

Ciao,

Nora

Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Dawdling...

I should be out walking the dog now, but I'm drinking a delicious cup of coffee and feeling generally good mooded so I'm loathe to get off my butt. I refuse to accept that it's that time of the evening again and that I have to fulfill my duty. Besides, the dog is sound asleep on the floor beside me and doesn't seem in the least interested in going out. It will wait until later. 

First I'm going to sit here and take advantage of the moment. It is too good to let go to waste. I don't very often get that super peaceful feeling anymore during the day and I do want to hold on to it while I can. I'm afraid that if I get up and start moving around, it will disappear as snow for the sun. I hold it as if it is a precious gift. As if it is something very fragile. I don't want to break it into a hundred fragments. 

Outside it is gray and cool and slightly windy. It's the kind of weather I don't mind at all. Some drops of rain fell even. They were just a few, but even so. At least I get to wear some decent clothes and I don't have to walk around skimpily dressed. The windows are still open and fresh air is coming in through them. I hope that the smoky smell will disappear quickly, although it's not as bad as it has been in the past. It helps if there's a bit of a draft. 

The coffee tastes especially good. I made a strong pot of it having just woken up from a nap a while ago. I wasn't sure what time of day it was when I woke up and was slightly disappointed when I realized that it was only late in the afternoon. For some reason I expected it to be in the middle of the night. I must have been completely discombobulated. I think I was even dreaming. The coffee has wakened me up quite nicely and now I'm back to my full senses. Sometimes I get the proportions of ground coffee and water just right. 

It's nice to be in a peaceful mood. I feel like I'm having a Zen moment and it's lasting a while. It's like being infused with happiness for no good reason at all. It just came out of the blue, although I'd like to know what made it come about so I can have a repeat of the experience. But first I'll enjoy it as much as I can. I do have to stay in the moment. Infusions of peacefulness and happiness are always welcome. It doesn't matter where they came from. It's making them last that counts. 

It's slowly getting dark in the living room. It will be time to turn the lights on shortly. The evenings do start earlier all the time and with it true fall will come. It's already in the air today after all that warm weather. I'm curious to see when I'll have to start wearing my winter coat. I'm glad I bought it when I did. I'm more than ready for any kind of weather and I've got the boots for it too. I won't be caught unawares. 

I've got to take my peaceful mood and go walk the dog with it before it really gets dark. It will be nice to be outside in the cool air for a while. It will cheer me up tremendously, not that I really need any cheering up. I will add another dimension to my mood. The dog will be most happy to go outside and walk through the fallen leaves. We will both benefit from the fresh air. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

For the sake of a cup of coffee...

It was a peaceful Saturday and it went by quickly. It's already evening and it's starting to get dark outside. No doubt that is partially due to the rain clouds that have moved in. 

It's supposed to rain a little during the night, but you won't hear me complain about that. I like a little rain now and then, especially when I'm lying in bed and I can listen to it through the open window. 

The wind has picked up and there's a nice draft blowing through the apartment.  The wind is coming from the west and that's where our weather is coming from. It's from England, so whatever kind of weather they had, we are getting next. In the fall, that usually means rainy and windy weather. 

I just walked the dog and I do have to remember that a brisk walk energizes me.  I felt better when we got back to the apartment than before we left and whatever cobwebs were in my head, were completely blown away. 

We had walked quickly because the dog was in a hurry the whole way. Sometimes he gets that way and he acts like he's chasing something. I have a hard time keeping up with him because he hardly dallies anywhere. We just go. He leads and I follow. It's like a slapstick movie. 

But it does energize me and I always feel good afterwards and I think what a lot of good exercise does and that I really should get more of it. Then I remember that I'm physically too lazy and that I like sitting in my armchair. I exercise my arm by drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of milk. 

I changed my bed and celebrated it by taking a nap in it this afternoon. I do need to recharge my batteries regularly. All the mental activity that I engage in wears me out. I live in my head too much. A nap is a break from my own thoughts. 

I'm caught up on all my chores and the apartment is amazingly clean and organized. I've got to hang up a load of laundry to dry in a little while. The washing machine just got done. Hanging up laundry is one of my favorite things to do.

The dog thinks he wants to go out again and maybe for the sake of the exercise I should take him. I think I will wait until it's bedtime and make sure he's all set for the night.

I've got to watch the news and be informed about the world. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbound and untethered...

The great thing about being unburdened of a depression is that you don't dread the day to come. You can go to sleep at night in a fairly restful state of mind and know that the next day is not going to be one in which you will be fighting a battle with yourself and the elements around you. A battle which you are going to lose and which is going to cause you all sorts of stress. 

Relieved of my depression because of the regular use of tranquilizers, I now feel pretty secure at any time of the day and night. I don't worry anymore that I'm not going to be able to cope because I can look forward to a lot of peacefulness and the knowledge that I'll make it through the day fairly unscathed. 

The fact that I will be safe in my own company makes me feel very secure. I no longer have to try and escape from myself and my own thoughts and find my solace in sleep. My thoughts are very benign now and don't harm me. I no longer have them hanging over me like so many dark clouds. 

Speaking of dark clouds, we've had enough of those around lately. Yesterday we had nothing but and it rained every now and then. We don't need the rain, so it is completely superfluous and we could actually do with a week of sunshine and warm temperatures. There seem to be none in the forecast. 

When I visited my sister yesterday afternoon, I wore two layers of clothing and my jacket and a scarf. I had to ride my bike over there. There was a cold wind blowing and I had to ride into it going over there. Luckily, it did stay dry, but the sky looked threatening all afternoon. 

We did sit in the garden for a little while all bundled up and looked at what flowers were blooming now and which ones were all done. Some plants are thriving in all the rain, but others are not doing all that well. They seem to like drier conditions, but the ground is soaked.

The herbs are doing great and my sister uses them for cooking. She cooks Italian a lot and vegetarian and uses the herbs to give the dishes the extra flavor.

It was good to come home again and see the dog and sit in quiet solitude for a while in my armchair before I took him for a walk. I so very much appreciate the time on my own again. I only need a little bit of socializing, though I could not do without. I like it when other people do most of the talking and I do the listening because I don't have that much to say. I should always be around talkers. 

I did the last of my chores in the evening and stayed up as long as I could, although I wanted to go to bed much earlier. I didn't want to upset my schedule, but in a way I do every night. At least I'm steady about it. 

Now it's time to finish sleeping. I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. I only have the domestic help coming here this afternoon. That's more than enough. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

...and other tales of mayhem.

It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that. 

There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.

 

I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.

I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me. 

That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.

At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings. 

I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday. 

I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.

Ciao,

Nora

But for the title of this post....

No matter how malcontented I am during the day, I always feel so much better during the night. I think that maybe I should judge how well I'm doing only by taking my measure at night and not during the day when it could be anything from bad to worse. I'm most definitely not in a position to give a rational answer during the day. Whatever circumstances prevail then influence me for the worse.

I notice that I'm especially influenced by the company of other people and that their presence has a negative effect on me. Other people's company does not do me good, on the contrary. It wears me out and turns me into a pessimist. Usually I can't wait for them to be gone so I can be left in peace with my own simple thoughts. I don't like their intrusive presence and questions and fixated interest in me. I don't like how they try to fit my thoughts into boxes with labels.

Maybe I hang out with the wrong people, there's the distinct possibility of that. My personal helper is going to be two weeks off and I will see how well I do without her presence during that time. I'm looking forward to the emotional freedom. Maybe I'll disconnect from her after that. We are both at a point where we're wondering what her role in my life is anymore. It is possible that she is obsolete and that she's even become an obstacle. She gets too stuck in trying to rescue me when I don't want to be rescued.

I've got to write about something more cheerful than this. Be assured then that I'm enjoying this moment to the best of my ability. I've got my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and the quiet peacefulness of the night. All is not right with the world, but some things are. I can pretend to be in a timeless place where nothing is important and in the end, I will go back to bed to sleep some more, providing the coffee doesn't keep me awake.

Today, the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, which is very good because I'm just about out of milk and you know what a disaster that is. I'm also out of vanilla pudding and have been for some time. I do miss it very much. It's the creamy smoothness that I miss so much. I could eat liters of the stuff. My gastric band prohibits it. 

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon. I don't know if I'll go there with any sort of expectations. A lot of it depends on what mood I'll find myself in. The appointment is at a time when I usually take a nap, so it will be a little rough to stay up. I think I have to work on my attitude and I will discuss that. I need a change of it. I need a positive kick in the pants. I can't wish to become better and wish to be dead at the same time. 

I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm drinking the last of the milk and it's settling me down, I'm even yawning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day today.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost asleep...

I'm about to go to sleep and only stubbornness is keeping me up. I should seriously have my head examined because I'm tired enough to go to bed right now. I just don't want the night to end yet. I want to sit here a little while longer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the very late evening. I made a cup of coffee to keep me from falling asleep behind the computer.

I managed to make it through the day on only two tranquilizers. I thought that was a good sign and I was not a nervous wreck. I would have taken more if I had needed them. It's possible that the increase in the antidepressants is starting to do its job because they also have an anti-anxiety function. I've taken them at this dose for five days now and maybe that is long enough to make some difference.

I know I have to be patient and that this whole process can't be rushed. It's going to take time while the medicines build up in strength in my body. Hopefully, each day will be a better day, but I don't want to be back to the point that I was before I became depressed. I want to be doing much better than that because I think I was not doing all that great when I became depressed.

I think I've been suffering from a low grade depression for a long time and it's no longer acceptable to me to live with it. My life has to improve a great deal. The quality of it has to get a lot better. What I have considered as 'normal' is no longer okay. I've actually lived a very low quality life and I won't do it anymore. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist and my SPN and it's definitely going to be a subject of discussion in future talks. 

It's getting late and I have to think about going to bed. My coffee cup is empty so it's time. I have to take my sleeping pills now and drift off to sleep. 

I hope you are all having a good night and that you'll have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Giving it a try...

I've been in a somewhat bad mood for the past two days, but now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I'm going to take advantage of it and try to write a cheerful post. The somewhat weak, yet potable coffee is helping me be in a more optimistic mood, but maybe it's the hour of the night that's helping me be more cheerful. I do always do better at this time of my 24 hour cycle. 

The coffee is weak because I'm almost out of it and I have just enough left to make a pot in the morning when I get up again. By that time I will be out of milk, but there's the powdered creamer left. I'm counting on the Exfactor being here on time to save me from my dire situation. I will drink rooibos tea if I have to, it does agree with me as opposed to regular tea, which gives me lots of phlegm and coughing fits. 

My daytime moods have been very negative and make me not be productive at all. I sit around like a bump on a log and do a lot of sleeping. I can't get excited about very much at all and only take out the dog because I have to. My level of motivation is very low. 

There's a commercial on TV for a soft drink in which people turn into a splash of water and scatter like many drops of it into the air. I've been wanting the same thing to happen to me. To just dissipate into thin air and to vaporize completely. What a perfect way to stop existing. If only it were that simple.

I guess I'm looking for a painless way out. An easy solution that only exists in fiction.

Now, however, it is nighttime and there is a different set of circumstances. I must look at the glass half full, though the coffeepot and the milk container are empty. I guess it's time to drink tea. 

I don't know what my day is going to look like, except that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. More than anything I would like for my mood to improve. I would like for my sense of peacefulness to return. I must find my inner center of calm and concentrate on that and try to find contentment in the little things. 

There's going to be an episode of Inspector Frost on tonight. That's something to look forward to. There's also mail to open. I look less forward to that. It's a minor miracle that I even got it out of the mailbox yesterday. I prefer no mail at all because whatever it is, it's almost always mail I don't want.

I'm sufficiently tired now to want to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. I may waste this day on nothing important at all. If I regain my equilibrium then that would be an achievement. I think doing some dishes and a load of laundry is called for. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Kindheartedness...

I suppose that's best to describe the benign feelings I have right now about the world  in general, though not about all things in specific, but I'll not let myself be bothered about them right now. I want to have nothing but benign feelings, pushing away the effects of the less happy news items I watched on television last night. If they are all true, they make me feel very jaded indeed and I want none of that right now. 

I do want to enjoy my few hours of peace and quiet in the darkness and silence of the night and believe in the general goodness of mankind, though it is hard to pull the wool over my own eyes. It requires a state of oblivion that even I don't know I'm capable of. I'm going to give it my best try, though. 

The face of one man is etched in my mind right now and that is the face of Dominic Strauss-Kahn and I wonder how he is doing in his single prison cell on Wicker Island. I want the allegations to not be true, but I'm afraid they are and I'm ever so sorry about that. It bothers me to no end that a man in his position would steep so low.  I suppose I feel an enormous amount of disappointment. This isn't about having extra-marital affairs anymore. This is about rape and it's very serious. 

Enough said about that. I have to find something equally true and honest in its place. Something to offset it. Something of beauty and elegance. That's hard to come by in this world. I suppose I'm looking for a hero and I can't find one at this moment. I need a Nelson Mandela.

I suppose that I don't feel as benign as I thought I did, though I wish to. I worry about men in power abusing their privilege. It's been shown that the brain activity of people in power changes and that they take bigger chances and do things ordinary people would not. They are risk takers. This goes for women in power as well as men. Women are more subtle, though. They don't have a penis in their pants with which they have to assert themselves. 

I'll gently return to the night and it's peacefulness. If I sit here so silently, it's hard to imagine that there's a big complicated world out there. I can make my own world as small as I like. I can make it as small as the light of my desk lamp reaches. I can forget about yesterday and the day that is to come. All I have to do in a while is go back to bed and sleep. I don't even have to dream about unpleasant things, at least, I hope not. 

On another subject, the book I'm reading, 'Loot and other stories,' is not fascinating me at all, but then again, not many books are lately and I never seem to be able to finish one. I will have to go in search of another book that will hopefully grab my attention well enough. I do still have enough to choose from on the bookcase. It's a shame to leave all these books unread, but maybe some day in the future I will go back and finish them.

Today actually brings nothing complicated with it. It is a day of no consequence at all. I can make it as simple as I want and I am grateful for that. I will do some simple chores and generally take care of my mental health, which has for the most part been good. I'm not going from one extreme mood to the other, but am mostly positioned somewhere in the middle range. You have no idea what a relief that is. I'm not in the bouncy castle.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning when you get up. We're actually going to have good weather. 

Ciao,

Nora

My pesky dog...

It's in the very early hours of Saturday morning and my dog is being a pain in the neck. I don't know what he wants and so far I've given him a milk bone and a rawhide chewy but still he's not happy and keeps pestering me. He's already been out back, but it is possible that he needs to go there again. It will be with great reluctance that I get up and try that again. I never know how quickly I can get him back inside. Maybe I best ignore him. 

That's not at all how I wanted to start of this post. I wanted it to have a serene beginning and not a frustrated one. Now I feel that I have to start all over and get into the proper mood. It's hard when a pup is begging by your side for I know not what. I'll have to figure out a way to find my equilibrium and peacefulness in spite of him and hope he goes to lie down by my feet and falls asleep soon...he has just done that, so there is hope for me yet.

I do have to get up and get myself a cup of coffee because I'm thirsty and in need of some caffeine. I hope I don't upset the careful balance we've achieved. I've already had to make cigarettes and frustrated the dog because I wouldn't let him on the dining table. I didn't want him looking out the window in the middle of the night where he would see imaginary danger and start to bark. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. Yes, my dog comes with an instruction booklet too. It has to be applied on a daily basis. 

Since today is Saturday, it is my day off, but I do have to hang another load of laundry to dry outside. Yesterday's load  was dry in no time at all and I've got very clean smelling sheets and pillowcases. Today I'll be hanging up a load of clothes and it will be nice to have them smelling equally good. I have to take advantage of this weekend's weather to do as much laundry as I can, because on Monday it may rain, so I thought I'd dive into my closet and pull out some clothes to wash. 

We're having a bit of a heatwave this weekend and today the temperature is going to be 28C, which is unheard of for the time of year. I'm not complaining and in the apartment it is still relatively cool, especially the back of it where it will be nice to go lie down for a nap in the afternoon. I'm already looking forward to the day and can't wait for the warm sunshine to walk the dog in. As long as it doesn't get too hot, I'll be alright, if dressed appropriately. I'm sure I'll find something that's just right. 

I'm expecting the Exfactor in the morning who's going to bring me some cat food that I'm almost out of. I had forgotten to put it on the grocery list on Tuesday. The cat does eat a lot, although she doesn't get any fatter. She's a slim cat and dainty. She does beg by her bowl for food every day and will even eat dog food if I don't fill her bowl on time. That is, if the dog lets her because he can be quite moody about that. Some days he cares more than others. 

It's with some amount of relief that I'm going back to bed in a little while because I haven't slept enough yet. I'm yawning and looking forward to going back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. 

I've got to make an appointment with my hairdresser soon. My hair is out of control and I can't do a thing with it. It is too long. I'll call today, but I'm sure I won't be able to get in today. It will probably be sometime next week. You always quite suddenly have desperate hair from one day to the next. With me it happened yesterday. I washed it and it went flat and unmanageable. I look like a hillbilly. 

I'm off. I hope you'll all have a good Saturday no matter what your weather is like, but I wish you lots of sunshine. 

Ciao,

Nora

On a sleepless night...

That's not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I'm up. I'm full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 

Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that's the kind of mood I'm in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I'm drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I've found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I'm taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It's like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 

Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don't have such complicated dreams. There's a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it's been a brilliant move on my part, but I'll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he'll be a party pooper about it. 

I'm wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It's impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 

Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn't nearly done yet. I'm only at the beginning of it. There's much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.

I hope you're all having a peaceful night too.

Ciao,

Nora

A safely started post...

I always start my posts safely and tell you that I'm sitting here peacefully with a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the middle of the night and that all is well. This is no exception to the rule. This is what I'll tell you. How close it is to the truth is another matter, but that's not something I want to get into at all, so I'll just keep everything very simple and only discuss things on the surface where they appear very tranquil. 

I've not posted for a couple of days because the subjects that have kept me occupied have not been things I've want to write about. They have been things I wanted to think about and ultimately discuss with my SPN, which I have done yesterday. At least it turned out I was on the right track and that I was thinking logically and coming to the right conclusions, so I'm rather proud of myself. It turns out that I can depend on myself to make the right decisions. 

I don't want to be enigmatic, but I also don't want to go into detail about the various subjects that I struggled with. Needless to say. I had a lot on my plate. I still have a lot on my plate, but at least I'm more clear on how to deal with it now. 

I don't know how much sense there is in blogging when you don't go into the details of what keeps you busy, but I suppose there are other things to talk about, although they seem rather frivolous in comparison. I've thought about not blogging at all, but then I thought that was too extreme a decision. I think that maybe I will post less often and not be so open about the things I write about. Some subjects are better left alone and are only for silent contemplation or discussion with the professionals. 

The weather has turned from beautiful to cold and rainy. Yesterday I had to wear double layers of clothing and my jacket and scarf. There was a cold wind blowing from the west. I didn't turn the heater on, however, and still have the bedroom window open on a crack. It's not too chilly inside and if I stay dressed warm enough, it is doable. I do wear extra warm pajamas when I go to bed and Tyke huddles close to me. At least his fur is long and curly enough again to keep him warmer. 

Everything is green and becoming colorful. There is hardly a bare tree to be found. Lots of trees have beautiful blossoms on them, pink and white. The tulips are blooming and so are many other bulb plants. The tulips are the prettiest and very varied. You see them in all sorts and colors. I suppose because I'm Dutch I would have to like tulips best.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora