Post weekend...

I'm sitting here ever so cozily in the middle of the night in my red bathrobe with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. For a while I can pretend there's not a problem in the world. Things did get awfully close this weekend with a collapsed government and a train wreck, but for now I will forget about them and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. 

I just made the dog happy with a rawhide bone. I didn't realize that he had none left to chew on. He was taking apart his little stuffed cow and had just pulled the stuffing out, so it was high time that I gave him that bone to chew on. He's a true dog and likes chewing on things more than anything. The rawhide bones do keep his teeth clean and he has very good breath. He doesn't go for a check up until August and then the vet will look to see what shape his teeth are in and if they need to be cleaned. 

The cat is sitting very indifferently on the fleece blanket that's lying folded up on the armrest of the sofa. She's got her back turned towards us to show she really doesn't care. She can be so aloof at times. It's because the dog was completely ignoring her just now when he was busy with his bone and she was trying to get his attention. I'm sure her feelings were tremendously hurt. She's sulking now and maybe not as indifferent as she pretends to be. 

I had one cup of coffee and that's all I needed to become alert. At times cups of coffee are very important to me and at other times I don't care so much and glasses of milk are more important. They seem to hit the spot better and do the work of waking me up and keeping me mellow at the same time. I never know ahead of time if they are going to agree with my stomach but tonight they are. 

I wish for it to be the weekend another day or so because I liked the days of leisure that I had. Except for the events on the news, not much exciting happened and that was fine with me. I was affected by these events and they did touch me in more ways than one. I was angry about the one and sad about the other. You can't help but have these things bother you and you do spend time thinking about them and pondering the effects of them on a group of people in specific and the country as a whole.

I must go back to bed now and finish sleeping. I'll have to eat something first because I'm hungry. I think I'll have some Greek yoghurt. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

The weekend...

Having established that I'm slightly depressed, I don't feel that I have to keep up appearances and put on a cheerful face. The timing of it is actually good because I can spend this weekend nurturing it and taking care of myself in the best possible way. That means not taking on anything that requires a lot of effort or that can cause any stress. It's my intention to indulge myself and only do things that make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Although I said before that I was maybe not in need of a lot of sleep, it's something that I do want to do my share of and I think it may be one of the ways to spend my time pleasantly. I'll have to see how that develops. It's possible that the naps I imagine I'm going to take are actually not going to happen at all. Then I'll have to find other ways to pass the time as pleasantly as possible. It's pretty much up to me, whatever I think works. 

It's fairly early in the morning and I'm planning on going back to bed shortly. It is Saturday after all and I have no obligations other than taking care of the animals. I like the unstructured way I'll be able to spend the day. I don't know why I only have that feeling on the weekends because nothing prevents me from having it during the week. I suppose it being the weekend makes it more official and allowable. It's as if it is sanctioned by law. 

It was raining earlier and that made it very cozy to be inside. For a minute there was a bit of a deluge but it soon eased up again. It's supposed to rain off and on for the rest of the day so it's perfect to stay home. There's not going to be any better weather ahead until the end of next week. That's a long time to deal with rain and low temperartures.

I must not fall into the trap of thinking I have to fullfill some special duty today. Already I'm trying to justify my existence. All I have to do is just be and get through the day in one piece.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

The next day...

It just turned into the next day and I can forget about yesterday which was a boring day as Thursdays usually are. They are because I normally don't have anything planned on Thursday. That is silly of me and unforgiveable and there is no real reason for it. Why should Thursday be an empty day, for god's sake? There is the weekend ahead of me with enough spare time to do as I wish and I don't need an empty day during the week.

I was trying to change this by signing up for a creative therapy class for psychiatric patients. I had an appointment there earlier in the week. I checked it out but it was a dismall place and not something I want to go to once a week. It looked like the place you go to when there's nowhere else left to go. Because of budget cuts, the best part time therapy facilities have become beyond my reach. We have this government a lot to thank for. 

Not to get stuck on a downward note, let's talk about something completely different. And what would that be? I don't know yet but I'll come up with something. 

I'm sitting here in my red bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee from the most excellent coffeemaker. I'm more than wide awake enough and really should switch to a glass of cold milk now because I'm very thirsty. The cold milk will give me an alternative mood that will be completely different from the one that is caused by the coffee. That's the way it is. Different beverages cause different realities. I need the caffeine to make me alert and I need the cold milk to make me mellow.

It's amazing what a beverage can do, isn't it?

I'm relieved that today is Friday. It means that I've nearly completed another week and that I'm ready for the weekend. I would like to spend it sleeping, although I think that's not going to be possible. I don't think I have that much sleep in me now, not like I did earlier in the week. 

The Exfactor and the domestic help will be here today so I will have some company of the agreeable kind. Well, I usually do anyway. There's no disagreeable company here ever. 

I'm getting awfully sleepy and am going to have to go back to bed. The cold milk has made me very mellow and there are some hours left to sleep before it's morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Taking naps...

Since I've quit smoking, my life consists of taking many naps. I nap all the time, during the daytime as well as during the nighttime. Whenever I am bored and I think I may be sitting in my armchair with too much time on my hands, I decide to take a nap. This takes away the chance to feel the desire to smoke. 

I very cozily get under the duvet and fall asleep and have my very intricate and lively dreams for about an hour or two. Very often the dog wakes me up because he's bored and I very happily get up again. I'm never in a bad mood when I do. I know that whenever I want to, I can go back to bed. As long as I take care of my responsibilities in between naps there's no problem.

I like this way of life and it's a greeing with me very well. I know it's just a temporary life style and that it's not going to last forever. It's a solution to a minor problem and that problem will disappear as I get used to be a non smoker and I'm getting used to that more and more each day. The trick is to keep myself occupied and that I'm not always able to do, especially not on the weekends like now. 

I have started to eat more, but I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had actually lost a kilo. Apparently I'm not eating the wrong foods. I do have a hunkering for fried eggs and eat those a lot, but I don't eat any bread with them. I eat them plain without anything else. I fry them in sunflower oil, not in butter. I thought that might be healthtier, although butter tastes better. 

I also like slices of dense breakfast cake which is nourishing and filling but low in calories. I slather diet margarine on them. I can eat two slices of them at the time which is quite an improvement to how many I used to be able to eat. My stomach is treating me better. I can eat more with less problems. I think the medication is working well. 

Tomorrow ordinary life resumes when my personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I won't be able to take as many naps then. They haven't seen the latest changes in the apartment and I'm curious how they will react to them. Actually, I wish I could do more. I would like to redecorate all the time. I think it's my natural calling. 

As I sit here, I'm looking at a very nice framed glicee print that I got from an English artist that has all the colors of my decor in it. That turned out to be purely by accident and I just got lucky. I have it standing on my desk instead of the printer that I didn't have installed and that I never used. I figured that I'd rather look at a piece of art than at an ugly printer.The eye wants something too.

The image that is at the top of this post is not the one I have but is one of hers anyway. Her name was Tessa Edwards and she passed away last year.I'm sure if you google her you will be able to find more information about her and maybe even find out if you can still buy her art. 

I've got to get something to eat. They will be eggs no doubt, if there are any left. Maybe I will eat Parmesan noodles. That's a novel idea. Hmmm...

Ciao,

Nora

Good moods...

The day is early and I'm enjoying my cups of coffee. I've even already had some breakfast because I've discovered that coffee agrees better with me if it lands on a layer of food. It's a good idea to eat anyway because I think I'm a much happier camper for it, although I'm usually in a good mood in the morning. I don't sit here in short supply of good spirits. Even if the weather is bad like it is now, I still feel cheerful enough. 

Maybe that is because the dog is sound asleep and apparently not in need of a walk yet. I don't have to worry about getting dressed and going out there. I can sit here and take my sweet old time. The coffee tastes all the better for it and so do my cigarettes and while I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, I do want to enjoy the small pleasures in life. 

I want to say, thenk goodness that it's Friday and that the weekend is coming up, but I didn't enjoy the last weekend at all and I don't know why I should be happy about it. It must be an old habit that is hard to break. 

I am in a way looking forward to the laziness of the weekend and to the TV programs that I'll watch which are always more interesting than they are during the week. I always get some chores done too, so the weekends do have some function and depth. It's not as if they are complete wastes of time. 

Today the Exfactor will be here if the weather does not prevent him from riding his bike over. He will have to take his chance between showers. He does have proper rain gear and he's a pretty tough customer who's not afraid of getting a little wet. Still, I would not wish for him to get drenched in one of the heavy showers that sometimes come down.

The domestic help will be here too, cleaning the apartment well enough so that I will only have some other chores left to do such as laundry and changing the bed and doing the dishes. It's great when somebody else does the tough jobs that can cause so much frustration. This domestic help is very cheerful and often sings while she works. It does set the proper tone. 

I've got to hop in the shower and get ready. It has stopped raining and the weather looks better right now. I've got to take my chance and walk the dog. 

Have a nice day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

In from the cold...

I'm sitting here warming myself with a cup of hot coffee after having just walked the dog in the cool evening air. It wasn't actually all that cold and all I had on was my short leather jacket and a scarf. That's pushing my luck just a little bit, but I refuse to put on my winter coat unless I absolutely have to. I'll put it off until the last possible minute. Call me stubborn if you have to. I refuse to own up to the fact that it's almost winter. As long as there's no snow, I'll pretend it isn't. I'm in fact in total denial. 

The sun was shining this afternoon after the day started of dreary and drizly. As long as the sun shines, I'm full of hope. All around the bits of clouds I saw lots of blue sky. It hasn't actually rained all that much either. Not as much as was predicted, so we got off easy. The farmers needed the rain and nature did too, but for us ordinary human beings it was nice. It's especially nice not to get rained on when you're out on your bike. It's tough to dress for the rain and the cold.

My hairdo appreciates no rain also because I've got it just right now. I don't have to use an overabundance of hairspray on it and it stays in place real well all day even if there's wind outside. I know, I'm so self centered to think of it. It's true, I'm a very self absorbed woman.

My carefully applied nail polish has already chipped on three nails and I thought that nail polish was much tougher than that. There must be some that can withstand the test of time or how else is a woman supposed to look decent for any length of time? I'll have to fix them tonight because now I look ridiculous. It does take an effort to look beautiful. Nobody ever said it was easy. You do have to have the odd spare hour to put into it. 

Sometimes, when my mind gets into that space, I get very preoccupied with my looks and I can get very absorbed with my clothes and make up. They take on very important roles in my life. Luckily, I do have the time and energy, as a rule, to spend on them. I don't mind giving them the extra mental energy that they require. It's fun to think about fixing myself up to look pretty for even the least amount of audience. Because, really, how many people see me? I mostly have to do it for my own sake. 

The coffee tastes excellent and is putting me in a good frame of mind. I don't know if it's just the coffee or the fact that it's Friday evening and that it's the weekend. I must say, that despite everything I claim, I still like the weekends the best, although why this is so is a mystery to me. I'll leave that unanalyzed and unexplained. Not everything in life needs to be figured out. 

I'm going to put clean sheets on my bed in a little while so I can look forward to going to sleep tonight. That sounds as if I ever have a problem with that. Of course, I don't. Going to bed and sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and I never think that I will not sleep when I go to lie down under the duvet. It's staying asleep that I have a problem with, but then I do amuse myself when I'm up. In my own convoluted way I do end up getting enough sleep. That's the main concern. I haven't turned into a zombie yet. 

I better get the show on the road. I've got a few things to do and the news to watch also. I must be well informed because we face turbulent times in Europe.

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Thunder and lightning...

I woke up because the dog was trying to get my attention by gently growling into my right ear. I pulled him up on the bed and had a wrestling match with him which I won. Then we got up and went to the kitchen where he ate his kibbles and I made coffee. Now he's asleep on the sofa and I'm very cozily sitting here behind the computer in the middle of the night as is usual. All is well with the world. 

Last night, clouds moved in and the wind started to blow very hard. It started to thunder and rain something awful. It was an enormous storm and a lot of water fell out of the sky. The thunder moved right overhead and the lightning strikes came one right after another. 

In Belgium, right across the border, there was a music festival and trees and big tents got blown over and apart and several people got killed and seventy got wounded. It was quite a drama. The festival was in a chaos and had to be canceled. There were thousands of young people there who somehow all had to leave the festival grounds safely. Many of them had to be picked up by their parents. 

So for a while all was not right with the world. At least not in our little corner of it. The night is very silent now and there is no more storm or rain. I'm glad of it because it was very disquieting. I felt like I had to go and build an ark to put the animals in. 

The dog wanted to go outside as quickly as possible and trudge through the puddles after the storm was over. He did get very wet and the fur on his head got very curly so he looked like a poodle. The cat very wisely stayed inside and sat in front of the living room window and contemplated the wet world from there. She watched the whole storm from that spot and was very intrigued by it.

I thought I was going to be more tired than I am because I didn't take an afternoon nap yesterday. I'm surprisingly awake. I've only slept for a few hours, but I feel like I'm ready to stay up. No doubt I'll come to my senses once I start drinking cold milk instead of this coffee and feel the need to go back to bed. I must do the things that ordinary people do and stick to the schedule. 

I slept between clean sheets, but it was so warm and muggy in the bedroom that it was almost too warm to sleep under the duvet. I had it only covering my legs and that sufficed. It still hasn't cooled off a lot in the apartment, although today is going to be a not so warm day, but I prefer that. I'd rather wear more clothes than less clothes. 

Thank god it's Friday again. It's time to get ready to enjoy the weekend. This is the first weekend in a long time that I'll actually just plain feel good. It won't be an escape from the real world. It will just be two enjoyable days with time off for good behavior, but I won't dread the coming of Monday when it's over.

I suppose I must start thinking now about going back to bed. I'm not tired, but I should try to get some more sleep. It will be the sensible thing to do. Even if I only rest with my eyes open it will be good. At least I will have had a time out. I've got to take advantage of those clean sheets. 

I hope you'll all have a good Friday with the kind of weather you hope for. 

Ciao,

Nora

Wishful thinking...

It's in the middle of the night and I think things should always be as relaxed as they are now. I could almost forget that I'm suffering from a depression. My head is on pretty straight and I feel in a fairly good mood. This is as close to normal as I can get. 

Of course, I don't want to jinx myself by saying too much and I will leave it at that, save to say that I wish to wake up in the morning like this also. I guess that would be too much to ask for, but it's just a tiny little wish in the larger scope of things.

My psychiatrist did inform me yesterday that I can expect to see improvement one week after I've increased the antidepressants, so that will be early next week and that gives me something to look forward to. It's a straw I will be grasping at. 

I've not wanted to write anything here because whatever I wrote was all so depressing. I wanted to be more lighthearted than that, but I didn't know if I could be. I don't feel so morose now and I think I can write about something more normal, although I have to scratch my head and think of what that can be.

I haven't done much out of the ordinary these past days but sit around in my bathrobe and take many naps. The naps have been the most pleasant because I took them in a clean bed. I did make enough effort to change the sheets. I had to talk myself into doing that and convince myself that it wasn't really that much of a job. Depressed people easily get intimidated by the most simple things. 

At least I'm not hypo-manic tonight, which is a big relief. That frantically being happy is no good either and I don't know if it's even happiness but just a sort of madness that comes over you. 

I've entertained the dog to the best of my abilities, although I think he's a bit bored with me. The Exfactor has been by every day to take him for a walk. That's relieved me of a large sense of guilt. 

I've just started drinking ice cold milk and any minute now my thinking processes are going to freeze up. I will start to slow down and have a hard time coming up with things to write about, if I weren't already.

There's been no attempt to get dressed. I live in my pajamas and bathrobe. I suppose that one of these days I will put my clothes on again. I have to by Monday anyway when life will start to continue. 

First I have to get through the weekend which is a blessing because it is a minor time out, except that I don't know how well I will get through it in a depressed state. It may not be as easy as usual. The days alone may be tougher than they usually are. That's why taking naps is so important. They take up a lot of time. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm sufficiently tired again thanks to the milk. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't it wonderful?

Today is actually Saturday and the first day of the weekend which I love so much. I can't begin to tell you why I do. It would turn into an endlessly boring story, but I do like the two days off from most of my responsibilities, few as they are and mostly imagined. I have 'during the week stress syndrome'. I always feel under a lot of pressure and it disappears over the weekend. 

I always felt that I had to be sick in order to get out from under the stress that I felt and used to get many mysterious cases of the flu. Headaches, sore throats, stomachaches. Now that I know better, I don't get these aches and pains anymore, except on rare occasions. I can honestly say that I'm actually physically a very healthy person when I didn't think I was before. 

I do still get backaches, but I think those have to do with posture and weak spots in my back. Being away from the computer and taking a good walk help take care of them. Having lost all the weight has also helped tremendously. I do very often have a sore spot halfway up my back, but that's due to the mild case of scoliosis. Sitting very upright helps and taking pain medication on occasion is also helpful. 

That goes to show you how mental stress can translate itself into physical ailments. You need to take care of yourself mentally in order to take care of yourself physically. I used to get an inflamed esophagus regularly and I never do now. My stomach used to be literally tied up in knots and make me feel sick to the point of vomiting. 

Anyway, it is Saturday and I can relax and enjoy the day which will end with an episode of 'Wallander' on TV tonight. It will be on late, so hopefully I will not be too sleepy and have the energy to stay up to watch it. It is on past my bedtime and I may be tempted to go to sleep. But then I would miss out on listening to all that wonderful Swedish, so I do really have to give it my best try and stay up.

Yesterday went by fine. A domestic help was here, but it still wasn't my regular one whose whereabouts are a mystery to me. The girl that was here instead was a part time worker who was really a student at the university, so capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. She had coffee with the Exfactor and me when he showed up to do some shopping for me. 

The dog thought the domestic help had come especially for him and spent a lot of time bonding with her and by the time she left he was best friends with her. He does like all this company we get and he especially likes the fact that they're all cuddly women who take the time to pet him. He can't get up close and personal enough. He likes everybody. 

I finally had the courage to open up all my mail and was glad to find out that I could dismiss most of it. A lot of it went straight into the recycling box. Today I have to check the mailbox again because I haven't checked it in a few days not being in the right frame of mind to do it. I don't get mail every day and I have a sticker on my mail slot that prohibits junk mail. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of adverts as well as regular mail.

I checked the TV guide and found out that the daily exercise program is on at 8:45 in the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I'm asleep. I thought I needed the exercise to get rid of some excess fat and to tone some muscles. I have to figure out a way to do this. I know the exercise program is good because I've watched it a few times. 

I suppose I could set the alarm clock, but I don't know if I'm that much of a hero. I would be awfully grouchy if I was woken up by it and I wouldn't have had enough sleep. It's a real dilemma. I would probably shut off the alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. 

I have to stop eating vanilla pudding even though I only eat one bowl of it a day. I've got to switch to another kind of sensible and healthy food. I was thinking of whole meal rusk toast with cheese. As long as I feel that I've eaten something substantial. The vanilla pudding tastes great, but it probably has too many calories in it. It tastes too good to be true. 

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep. I've been drinking cold milk and am sufficiently chilled to want to get back under the warm duvet. The dog's just been out back for a piddle, so he's all set for now. 

I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Sunday morning...

Well, it may already be morning and the birds may already have greeted the day, but that does not mean that I'm awake yet. I'm in an upright position and I'm writing this, but that's about where my alertness ends. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and I hope to come to my senses soon. I'll try to make sense in the best possible way and write something coherent until the coffee kicks in. 

I went to bed after midnight because I stayed up and watched an episode of 'Wallander.' It intrigued me enough to want to stay up and finish watching it, although it was way past my bedtime. Besides, it was the Swedish one and I do love watching anything done in Swedish. It's the linguist in me that enjoys it so much. I always try to understand as much of it as I can. 

I watched this after I came home from the film I watched in the film house with my sister. That was only a partial success. It wasn't a very good film, but we had a nice outing. We had cappuccinos in the bar before and after the film and it was very cozy. The film house itself is a very nice place to be and fun to linger in. We got a schedule of the films coming up for the next couple of months and are going to pick out the other ones we want to go see together. There's lots of choice. 

We rode our bikes over there and the film house is downtown. I had not been there in forever, so it was about time that I made the trip, although nothing had changed, of course. Making the bike ride over there wasn't nearly as gruesome as I thought it was going to be and we were there in the shortest amount of time. I'm in good shape and can do it easily. It wasn't very warm out, but that was good weather for riding our bikes in. 

The coffee has kicked in and I am fully awake, much to my relief. I can think absolutely straight. I've got to think about what I'm going to do today besides watch the Tour de France. It will be on all afternoon and I do like to watch it for the scenery and to listen to the casual commentary. It's a nice way to spend the time. It's the tour of tours, after all.

Tonight the thriller 'Sebastian Bergman' will be on. It is another Swedish one. I will be able to practice the language more. At least it will be on at a decent enough time so I won't end up in bed too late. 

I do have to keep in mind that this is that last day of the weekend which is flying by quickly. I have to make the most of the day and spend it as pleasurable as I can. I do think that's what Sundays are for. Sundays are 'treat yourself well days.' 

Of course, I always treat myself well and there's not a day that goes by that I don't. I always try to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. For the most part I succeed, bar the things I don't have any control over. I count my blessings all the time and knock on wood regularly. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Blogging for insomniacs...

I've just started a pot of freshly brewed coffee and it will be done in just a few minutes. I drank a cup of heated up coffee first, but it was very unsatisfactory. I don't think it really woke me up well enough either. I think it had lost those qualities by sitting in the pot too long, if that is possible. I will be right as rain as soon as I have a cup of the freshly brewed stuff. I'm sure my brain will start functioning much better.

I woke up because he dog barked once. That was enough to get me up out of bed. I'm always immediately alert when he barks because I'm afraid that he'll do it again. It was a false alarm because there was nothing the matter and he curled up on the living room chair as soon as I turned on the computer. I think he just likes for me to be up in the middle of the night. I guess he doesn't like to be on his own when it's dark.

I've got my cup of freshly brewed coffee now and very nice it tastes too. It tastes like it will wake me up properly. I'm very eagerly drinking it anyway. I drink it like it's the elixir of life and for my mind it is. I'm sure a study has been done that shows that a certain amount of caffeine is good for a body. I think I remember hearing about it. As long as you don't overdo it. The same as a certain amount of chocolate is and red wine.

I watched a Swedish thriller last night. It was about a forensic profiler and it was the first episode in the series. It was the introduction to the character who was not immediately a likable man. You didn't feel a lot of sympathy for him, but it turned out that he had a lot of skeletons in his closet. He was very good in his job, if not unorthodox, but still it was a bit of a problem to really like him. It is not a clearcut case of him being a good guy. He is multi faceted.

It was fun to listen to the Swedish language because it had elements of English, German and Dutch in it, so some of it was very understandable. It helped to have the subtitles so I could make sense of it, but I paid close attention to what was being said. I've always liked to listen to people speak Swedish. This series is very well done, by the way. It was very believable. It's called 'Stefan Bergman.'

Yesterday went by without a hitch. It was a very low key day. I washed both my skinny jeans in very hot water and hung them outside to dry in the sun. I hope it has shrunk them. I will try them on today, but I won't wear them because it's going to be a hot day and I will have to wear skimpy clothes like I did yesterday.

I started to read a new novel, but found it absolutely uninteresting and I will have to find a new one on the bookcase. Some titles are so intriguing that you imagine the book to be also, but it can be a real let down. Or maybe it's the particular mood you're in that's just not right for that kind of book. 'Running With Scissors' sounded like a good title, but when I started reading the book, I realized I was not interested in the subject matter.

I do better reading a novel that I've already read and liked. I've got enough sorts of books to choose from and I should be able to find one that's to my liking. I may make some false starts, but eventually I will find the right one or I'll end up rereading the same one over and over again and that can't be the purpose of my reading.

The weekend went by quickly and I feel that I didn't do much with it. I took care of some chores, but time seemed to fly by. I think I had gotten used to three day weekends and these short ones go by too quickly. I need a Monday off also. Maybe some day in the future we'll always have three day weekends. I remember my father having to work on Saturdays. That was the norm back then. I do date myself, don't I?

As long as I don't have a 'sell by date' there's no problem. I see no numbers printed on my body. I don't know how to read the life line on the palm of my hand and I'm not about to go to a palm reader to find out how long my life is going to be. In my mind, I'm going to become very old. As long as I can live independently, I have no problem with that. I would always wish to be able to take care of myself. The women on both sides of my family live long and independent lives, so I have good genes.

I bonded well with the dog this weekend. We played endlessly with the tennis ball and he sat on my lap and I got my face slobbered. I do appreciate these tokens of affection. I've gotten completely used to the way he looks now, so naked in his very short fur. He does have the cutest face and his eyes are full of expression.

I think I've made this post long enough and instead of rambling on any longer, I'll knit an end to it. I don't want to bore you with my every day observations of life. A person does have to know when to stop writing.

I blame it on the very good coffee that I've written as much as I have. It's quite perked me up. It will be a real job going back to sleep. I don't think I'm going to be ready for it for a while. I'll have to find some other ways to keep me occupied.

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Waiting for the rain...

As is usual, I'm up in the middle of the night with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. The dog is asleep on the coffee table and the cat is asleep on the sofa, which is a more normal place to be asleep on. It's a good thing that the coffee table is so sturdy. In fact, it is just about indestructible and can carry the weight of the dog easily. He must know that as he's sound asleep and totally oblivious of everything. 

He's been on two wild goose chases out on the patio looking for I know not what. He was on the trail of something, possibly a hedgehog. He didn't find anything, but wouldn't come in until I threatened to lock him out. He nearly got stuck in the jasmine bush and it served him right. He's way too curious for his own good. He pretends he badly has to go out and do a piddle, only to go sniffing all over the place and ignoring me when I try to get him to come in. 

The cat's a much simpler creature and takes care of herself. She's so uncomplicated. Except for the occasional mouse she brings in, she's not much trouble. There's a huge difference in the instruction booklets of both animals. You need a bookwork for the dog and a pamphlet for the cat. Cats are self explanatory. They are completely fool proof, excuse the unintentional pun.

Yesterday I put together a new outfit of two unrelated pieces of clothing. It looked good and I was much pleased. It seems I always get lucky with my clothes and am able to mix and match a lot. Maybe it's because I stick to the same basic colors and that the main one is black with which I combine others. I seem to pick autumn colors a lot while originally I'm supposed to be a summer colors person. I think maybe I've changed over the years. 

Purging my closet has made it easier to pick out outfits. I have a much better view of the clothes I have available now. I've put things that were folded on shelves on hangers to give me a better idea of what's there. I have more room to do that now. It helps to get dressed if your closet is organized. There's no hopeless searching through clothes that don't fit or are otherwise obsolete.

It helps that the weather has been cooler because this gives me more chance to wear the clothes that I like best. Skimpy clothes are okay, but not necessarily the ones that I most want to wear. I do like dressing up a bit and I like wearing layers.

Today is Friday and one of the days I enjoy the most. I intend to make the most of it. The domestic help will be here and I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee, but it's really the run up to the weekend and the time I like most. The unstructured time. 

I will be watching a lot of tennis on television at Roland Garros. The weather won't be all that great, so I won't be outside all that much. The temperatures will be low and we're still supposed to get that promised rain that hasn't materialized, but maybe it will today.

I hope you're all having a good night and sweet dreams. 

Ciao,

Nora

A repeat performance...

It's in the middle of the night of Thursday going on Friday. Actually, it's officially Friday already, so I will stick to that. It's a much more optimistic point of view. The fact is that I like it being Friday instead of Thursday because it's almost the weekend. I will do a few chores in the morning before the domestic help gets here and then I will be home free. And then, ha ha (laughing wickedly), I will have the weekend all to myself to do with as I please. 

No doubt I'll fill it with all sorts of interesting things to do such as take naps and watch TV and walk the dog and sit and meditate in my armchair. That is if everything goes well. If I can sustain the mood I'm in. That's the crucial ingredient. I must be well tempered. That means keeping my mood as balanced as I can get.

At least I can treat myself to a pleasant night sat behind the computer with a nice cup of coffee. That's one way to get into a good mood. Nobody can take that away from me. I will have the agreeable experience of it and I'm enjoying that a lot. 

There's no real reason why I should enjoy it this night more than others, because I do enjoy them regularly anyway. Except last night when I was in a minor mood and nothing came of writing a post, but there have to be exceptions to the rule.

There's no need to over analyze this. Everybody has their ups and downs and I'm no different. Some nights you are full of goodwill and some nights you had better go back to bed, even if it means having a somewhat sleepless night until the morning when you properly fall asleep. 

It's with some amount of contentment that I sit here now and write down whatever enters my head, although I do try to make rhyme and reason of it. I don't want to sound completely like a ship set adrift. I do want to make some sense. 

No doubt the coffee is keeping me on the straight and narrow. It does have the tendency to keep my mind focused. At least it prevents me from drifting away from the subject at hand too much. 

But what was the subject at hand? It seems to me that I had not quite chosen one. I think I was just rambling on in a general sort of way and was not really focused on anything in specific. Maybe it's impossible for me to do that right now. There's nothing really pressing on my mind.

All I know is that I have to do the dishes this morning and do a load of laundry and dry it outside on the clothes lines. That will give me a good reason to change the bed again tonight and I can't do that often enough for my taste. The weather is going to be beautiful today and there will be no excuse not to hang the laundry outside. It should be dry in no time because it will be most pleasant out there.

Those are the calls of duty which I'm at liberty to ignore right now because it's not the right time to give heed to them. I've got some sleeping left to do first. It's with some reluctance that I'm going to go back to bed because I'm not nearly ready to. 

It's too bad that reality always creeps into your middle of the night musings. It's that sense of responsibility that calls you back to order. It's too bad that it's so exaggerated. I wish I had a little less of it. 

If you're still up, I hope you're having a good evening. If you're asleep, I hope you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

While I'm at it...

Seeing as though I'm up still and completely calmed down by the extra anti-psychotic tablet I took, I'll take advantage of the quiet, peaceful feeling and write another post. My state of mind has improved tremendously since I've taken the tablet and I feel ever so much better and able to express myself in a much more normal way. I felt sort of flighty before and somewhat angst ridden, but that feeling is gone and now I feel tranquil. 

I think I do have to take advantage of every good moment and not spend it sleeping. There's time enough for that, as it is early in the night still and tomorrow is Sunday and nobody will be waiting for me to get up on time. Well, there usually isn't, is there? Not even on weekdays, come to think of it. I do have the luxury of sleeping late very often and I do take advantage of it, but I feel less guilty about it on the weekends. On the weekends, I'm my own mistress and I don't have to keep up appearances. 

I don't know who I'm keeping up appearances for, but I suppose it's for the neighbors, as I feel the social control is very high. I do always feel as though my every move is being watched and that much gossiping is going on. That's why I always dress with care when I go out, while sometimes I really don't want to give a hoot. I'm already the odd woman out, being a Hollander and not speaking the local language. Being a woman on my own is an extra disadvantage. 

Well, that's neither here nor there, you do get used to that and inside you don't notice it. I think that's why I like rainy days and everybody is inside minding their own business. There's a lot of freedom in being the only one out on the street. Of course, I do mind when It's raining cats and dogs. Even I can't handle that and don't venture outside, but an ordinary rainy day with showers is just fine, although I know there's still a lot of peeking through curtains going on. 

Hey, I don't want to discuss this subject at all, but it has to do with the loss of privacy and I guess that's high on my mind. It subconsciously puts pressure on you and causes a constant level of stress. It's what happens when you live in an overcrowded country. I would like to live someplace where there is lots of personal space and not so much social control. I wouldn't have such tight muscles in my neck and shoulders so often. 

I've been playing with my templates and I don't know if I'm done yet. I may experiment some more. I have nothing better to do at the moment. I'm not quite ready to go to bed. 

Sleep tight, all you people.

Ciao,

Nora

The silence of midnight...

I've already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can't go back to sleep afterwards because I'm wide awake by the time I've done that and let the dog out back. There's no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I'm as alert as if I've slept for hours and I'm ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 

Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I've been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don't make empty noises. 

Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn't exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I'm trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.

Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That's worthy of a whole study in itself. It's a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I'm always pleasantly surprised when there's at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 

I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I'm all caught up. I don't know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog's eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 

I appreciate the fact that I don't have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 

It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don't happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won't yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn't going to mention it at all, but it's bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 

I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora

Refreshing my mind in the middle of the night...

I'm just the least bit sleepy, but that doesn't keep me from sitting here and merrily carrying on with my nighttime activities because I am enjoying myself. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now but planted on this chair behind the computer. The call of my bed is not alluring enough to take me there yet. It can wait for a couple more hours. I'd rather not spend my time sleeping now. That would be a terrible waste of time. I'd have to be toppling out of my chair before I did that. 

Toppling out of my chair is hard to do because it has armrests. Most likely I would fall forward with my head on the keyboard and get funny indentations on my forehead. I've also been known to end up with my head on the edge of the desk and have a ridge on my forehead that was very painful and visible and hard to explain. It's a funny way to fall asleep and I hope I don't do it tonight. Hopefully I'll crawl to my bed before that time. 

I've had three cups of coffee and am not about to fall asleep, regardless of my slight tiredness. I have enough willpower to stay up because I want to. I like sleeping in the morning ever so much better. I like being up in the middle of the night and being a night owl. It suits me to sit here in my bathrobe and to know that the world around me is asleep. I'm not the least bit scared of the bogeyman. There are no ghosts in my world. There's only the friendliness of the darkness of the night. 

I do get a sore bum from sitting in this chair, although it is a comfortable one. A soft pillow doesn't help, I've tried that. I've broken my tail bone once and it will always be a sore spot. I have to sit in a particular way to make it as easy as possible. I would like a big old executive chair to sit in and will one day acquire one. Like I am the CEO of a large company and can lord it over everybody and give myself a big bonus once a year. I can dream, can't I?

The good thing about being up in the middle of the night is that the animals are asleep the whole time and don't badger me. Nor is Tyke badgering Gandhi and she has peace and quiet. I don't have to continually rescue her from his loving embrace. He does still think that he has to show his dominance over her. Especially when he wants attention or when she gets too close to me. He can really be a pain in the neck. I've thought about getting him fixed, but the cost is prohibitive right now. Maybe this summer  when I get my vacation allowance. 

Oh, I totally forgot that today is Saturday. That's nice. All I have to do is go to the tobacco shop and hang up a load of laundry to dry. It's good that it's the weekend, although why it is I couldn't really tell you. I have no good reason for it. I have enough days during the week that feel like days off also. It's just the general idea that it's the weekend that makes it feel more festive. The weather isn't going to be all that great, although the sun is going to shine. It won't be very warm. 

One thing I have to do today is finish reading my book. That's one goal I have to set for myself. I'm halfway through it and since it's not such a big book, I ought to be able to finish it in one day. I really want to move on to the next one and I can't wait to look on my bookcase to find it. I've got two cubbyholes empty to fill up with books and when I'm done reading the ones I still have, I can start ordering new ones. I have to check out Wise Web Woman's reading list and see what interesting novels she's got on hers. She's a connoisseur of good novels.

I think I'll knit an end to this post and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. Every night I go looking for it. Frustratingly so, usually. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the moonshine...

Frankly, I don't know if the moon is shining, but I thought I would title this post like that anyway. There's a fun Dutch nonsense song that starts of that way and it was playing through my head. It's, amongst other things, about a centipede who has to shine his shoes.

I'm up drinking coffee, but this time there's no strange dog barking and all is quiet. I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to watch the news. I saw that Qaddafi's troops were defeating the rebels and became so disgusted with that, that I very angrily shut off the television. He is bombing them into submission with his airplanes, and there is not yet a no fly zone. It p*sses me off. This came after the very bad news of the nuclear reactors in Japan and my evening of bad news was complete. I had to go to bed after that and pretend to not care anymore. 

I listened on the radio to the outcomes of the different sporting events of the weekend and the interviews with the athletes and the highlights of the games that had been played. Those are something to get lost in and to forget everything else. If nothing else, there's always sport to fall back onto and it is a world of its own. There were all round speed skating championships this weekend and the Dutch did well.

It's been a strange weekend. I didn't have the energy that I had anticipated and that I showed during the night when I was so upbeat. During the day I slept a lot and didn't get a lot done. I walked Tyke, but other than that I didn't do very much. I hardly got my chores done and took many naps. My mood wasn't all that great during the day and I had to fight off somberness and gloom. Things got better toward the evening, but then it was time to go to bed and I normally feel better at that point. 

Except during the night, I'm suffering from a mild depression. The extra medication is not doing its job yet, but then it normally takes a while before it does. It's not a matter of a few days. It slowly has to build up in your system. It's nice to pretend that you feel better, but it's not the reality and you won't be able to live up to it. 

Today the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. For some reason I'm looking forward to it. I suppose I'm looking forward to the company. I also need help doing the dishes because I've not been able to do them. They've been too much of a big job to do by myself. I kept putting them off. 

I did get dressed nicely in a cheerful outfit for all the good that did me. At least I looked presentable when I walked Tyke. It didn't cheer me up as much as I had hoped it would. I'm wearing it today and maybe I will have better results. Right now, it's the nicest outfit I've got. 

I think I will go back to bed now. I've got some sleep left in me yet. It will be nice to lie there and listen to the radio. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. 

Have a good morning when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora