Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't it wonderful?

Today is actually Saturday and the first day of the weekend which I love so much. I can't begin to tell you why I do. It would turn into an endlessly boring story, but I do like the two days off from most of my responsibilities, few as they are and mostly imagined. I have 'during the week stress syndrome'. I always feel under a lot of pressure and it disappears over the weekend. 

I always felt that I had to be sick in order to get out from under the stress that I felt and used to get many mysterious cases of the flu. Headaches, sore throats, stomachaches. Now that I know better, I don't get these aches and pains anymore, except on rare occasions. I can honestly say that I'm actually physically a very healthy person when I didn't think I was before. 

I do still get backaches, but I think those have to do with posture and weak spots in my back. Being away from the computer and taking a good walk help take care of them. Having lost all the weight has also helped tremendously. I do very often have a sore spot halfway up my back, but that's due to the mild case of scoliosis. Sitting very upright helps and taking pain medication on occasion is also helpful. 

That goes to show you how mental stress can translate itself into physical ailments. You need to take care of yourself mentally in order to take care of yourself physically. I used to get an inflamed esophagus regularly and I never do now. My stomach used to be literally tied up in knots and make me feel sick to the point of vomiting. 

Anyway, it is Saturday and I can relax and enjoy the day which will end with an episode of 'Wallander' on TV tonight. It will be on late, so hopefully I will not be too sleepy and have the energy to stay up to watch it. It is on past my bedtime and I may be tempted to go to sleep. But then I would miss out on listening to all that wonderful Swedish, so I do really have to give it my best try and stay up.

Yesterday went by fine. A domestic help was here, but it still wasn't my regular one whose whereabouts are a mystery to me. The girl that was here instead was a part time worker who was really a student at the university, so capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. She had coffee with the Exfactor and me when he showed up to do some shopping for me. 

The dog thought the domestic help had come especially for him and spent a lot of time bonding with her and by the time she left he was best friends with her. He does like all this company we get and he especially likes the fact that they're all cuddly women who take the time to pet him. He can't get up close and personal enough. He likes everybody. 

I finally had the courage to open up all my mail and was glad to find out that I could dismiss most of it. A lot of it went straight into the recycling box. Today I have to check the mailbox again because I haven't checked it in a few days not being in the right frame of mind to do it. I don't get mail every day and I have a sticker on my mail slot that prohibits junk mail. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of adverts as well as regular mail.

I checked the TV guide and found out that the daily exercise program is on at 8:45 in the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I'm asleep. I thought I needed the exercise to get rid of some excess fat and to tone some muscles. I have to figure out a way to do this. I know the exercise program is good because I've watched it a few times. 

I suppose I could set the alarm clock, but I don't know if I'm that much of a hero. I would be awfully grouchy if I was woken up by it and I wouldn't have had enough sleep. It's a real dilemma. I would probably shut off the alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. 

I have to stop eating vanilla pudding even though I only eat one bowl of it a day. I've got to switch to another kind of sensible and healthy food. I was thinking of whole meal rusk toast with cheese. As long as I feel that I've eaten something substantial. The vanilla pudding tastes great, but it probably has too many calories in it. It tastes too good to be true. 

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep. I've been drinking cold milk and am sufficiently chilled to want to get back under the warm duvet. The dog's just been out back for a piddle, so he's all set for now. 

I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora 

On a sleepless night...

That's not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I'm up. I'm full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 

Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that's the kind of mood I'm in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I'm drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I've found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I'm taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It's like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 

Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don't have such complicated dreams. There's a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it's been a brilliant move on my part, but I'll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he'll be a party pooper about it. 

I'm wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It's impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 

Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn't nearly done yet. I'm only at the beginning of it. There's much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.

I hope you're all having a peaceful night too.

Ciao,

Nora

Fooling my brain....

I'm up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I've had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I'm in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That's how much I like cold milk. The fact that it's nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.

Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I'm planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It's such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 

I'm to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I'm making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don't quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it's the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 

I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It's pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I'll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That's when it tastes best. There's nothing worse than overheated coffee. I'm already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It's got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 

I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 

It's going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I'm more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I'm all that comfortable with. I'm not all that happy when it's too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don't mind when it's not all that hot. 

The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there's to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it's a big deal when they are canceled.

I'm not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It's for the best because I don't need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It's best when I don't have any around. To me it's just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It's an extra long weekend, that's nice. 

I will mess around with my blog templates next. I'm not quite happy with what I've got now and I have time to do something about them now. I'm full of caffeine, after all. 

I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Let's try that again...

It's late at night and I had started to write another post, but it was such a stressed one, that I deleted it and took an anti-psychotic tablet. I waited until it started to work before attempting to write this one. Hopefully, it will be mellow enough and serene so that I will be happy with it. I do dislike writing fraught and distressed posts. They're not good ways to get your point across, whatever that point may be. 

I've made myself some coffee and am trying to get as relaxed as possible. It's hard after these past days of inner turmoil, but I think I'm getting back on my feet again, although that may be the courage of the medicines speaking. I certainly don't feel 'normal.' I feel as though I've been in an accident and I'm still in full recovery from it. That's what a meeting with an ex-husband will do to you. 

I think it will take me some time to regain my balance and it's made worse by the knowledge that he will be in town again next month. I don't know how to deal with that yet. I have to recuperate from this first and discuss it with my SPN and talk to my psychiatrist about the use of the extra medication. I'm sure I need some good advice and feedback. This is not something that I can handle on my own.

In the meantime, I have to make the most of the night. I'm not as relaxed as I'd like to be and I feel an awful lot of pressure to go to bed, while there is really no rush to and I'm not sleepy yet. I would like to be carefree again, but it seems impossible right now. 

Sleep tight, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Please, don't be...

I'm sitting here early in the morning having my coffee and cigarettes as usual. I've written emails and read blogs and I'm wide awake. It's not nearly time to start the day yet and I'm glad for it, because I don't want the day to start. For all I care, the sun doesn't have to come up for another couple of hours and we delay the day completely. I much prefer sitting here in the dark by the light of my desk lamp indefinitely. There's no pressure on me as long as I sit here under those conditions. 

I'm in a state of avoidance and yesterday I took the whole day off and didn't get out of my bathrobe. I hung out in front of the television and took a long nap. I didn't want to have to do anything that was the least bit complicated and to me everything seemed complicated, even putting away the clean laundry that is sitting in the chair in my bedroom. 

I thought I could pretend to be ill again, but then  I thought, why bother? I just wasn't able to participate in life. That's not so unusual in the weekends and especially not at this time of the year. I do better during the week because there are people here who motivate me to get dressed and do things, but in the weekends I'm a lost case. I imagine that if those people didn't come during the week, I'd be a lost case on those days as well. 

I've especially not been able to write any posts for any of my blogs. I have made several attempts, but ended up deleting everything. I thought, who wants to read this drivel? All it was, was a huge cover up job to make myself look better than I was. To make my life look more interesting than it was. I thought that if I wrote down everything into the tiniest detail, it would look like something, but you can't pull the wool over people's eyes like that. They do catch on to the fact that you're filling up empty holes. 

I've got to try and make something of today while my courage lasts. I have courage early in the morning in the dark before the day starts. When I'm not yet truly challenged. Before I fall into inertia and turn into the cowardly lion. The least thing I can do is admit that I'm hiding and avoiding things. Facing up to your own behavior is always the best thing. 

And dealing with the guilt feelings that come with it. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

At the end of the day...

Somehow I manage not to go to bed too early, though lately I am ready to go at 7:30 pm. I do force myself to stay up, though, and watch television, no matter how silly the program and how little I really care. In between the serious programs that I do care about, like the news, I play with Tyke and cuddle him, while I also pay attention to the consumer programs and the missing persons programs and the really dumb game shows. A person does have to figure out a way to get through the evening in one piece while entertaining her dog. 

After a while Tyke's had enough and goes to sleep and I've watched enough television and shut if off and put on my pajamas. I turn on the computer for a little while to postpone going to bed until it is really the proper time to go and read blogs and comment on them. I realize how precarious life is and how I'm just a silly game show and one silly little dog away from going stark raving mad. 

Then  I pull myself through that moment and get my act together again and am a tough broad and realize I'm lucky for all the support I get to help me not go under like a sinking ship and I get courage again. I know that in a little while I will lie under my comfortable duvet and listen to the radio, while I slowly drift off to sleep and all will be forgotten. I will wake up in the morning with the same eagerness with which I wake up every morning and go about my business as usual. 

I had to take my earrings out tonight because I had a little bit of irritation. I put some ointment on my earlobes and will reapply it before I go to bed. I hope that takes care of it and that I will be able to put the earrings in again in the morning. I've gotten so used to wearing them now that I will feel naked without them, at least not completely dressed. I do like wearing them a lot and I've put an antique saucer on my bookcase in my bedroom to put them all on, so as to not lose track of them. 

I've got 3 pairs on hangers now and 4 pairs that are studs. I prefer wearing the studs as the hangers get caught in my scarves and pull on my earlobes. I don't want to do without my scarves, as I feel naked without them too. It is my trademark to wear scarves. All my necklaces are hanging on their hooks uselessly because I hardly ever wear them anymore, but maybe will again in the summertime. 

I'm not into necklaces right now, but you do go through phases like that when you like some accessories more than the others. I have periods that I'm really into my purses and change them all the time, but right now I just stick with the same one that's the most practical. I also used to like wearing rings and now I don't at all, though I saved all of them, of course, and there may come a day when I may want to wear them again. I also like bracelets, but not all the time, though I have quite a few of them. Right now I only like to wear my watch. 

I don't like much of anything at my wrists and I'm constantly pushing up the sleeves of whatever I wear, making my underarms bare. I feel I have more freedom then. I do pull them down again when I have to go outside and put my jacket on because I don't want to get cold. It's always pleasant enough inside, though, even though I only have the thermometer set at 19.5 Celsius. 

For some reason, it doesn't get cold in here and it is always at least 20C in here. I do have all the windows closed, so much cold air doesn't get in. I don't want to use much gas over the winter, so I want to use the heater frugally. I'll keep it set at the temperature it is now and see if that will suffice.

I have energy sufficient light bulbs in all the lamps now and try to keep as few burning as I can without letting it be dark and somber in here. I turn off unnecessary lights, without being neurotic about it. I don't want to live in a cave. I'm trying to leave a small carbon footprint, but it is economics that motivates me. I think in the end that's what's going to motivate everybody. Make things expensive and rare enough and everybody will do their best to live frugally. 

I think it's late enough to go to bed now. I'm looking forward to it. I'm all set to go and it will only take me a minute to get in it. I just have to take my medicines and brush my teeth. I will be in the land of comfort in no time.

Have a good night!

Ciao,
Nora