Monday, April 25, 2011

On a sleepless night...


That's not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I'm up. I'm full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 

Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that's the kind of mood I'm in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I'm drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I've found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I'm taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It's like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 

Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don't have such complicated dreams. There's a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it's been a brilliant move on my part, but I'll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he'll be a party pooper about it. 

I'm wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It's impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 

Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn't nearly done yet. I'm only at the beginning of it. There's much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.

I hope you're all having a peaceful night too.

Ciao,
Nora



2 comments:

Connie Rose said...

Glad your night is being its usual good time for you. I'm kind of surprised you haven't gotten back into any art since creative therapy ended. Perhaps you could channel some of your positive nighttime energy into art. Hope tomorrow is a good day for you. xox

Wisewebwoman said...

I have to say I'm a bit of a party pooper as I am a little worried about you. A bit of suspended animation, not sure.
You sound just a wee bit "off" and I've been on this journey with you before.
Please talk to the support team.
Special hugs.
XO
WWW